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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E02 — Frank Falls Out the Window

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 2 — Frank Falls Out the Window

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Frank Falls Out the Window

Air date: January 13, 2016

Director: Heath Cullens

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Frank falls out the window causing him to think it's 2006, the gang approaches it as a do-over and attempts to fix their past mistakes.

Source: TMDB

↓

Charlie, can I come in already?

charlie

↓

Well, that depends, Frank.

depends frank

↓

- Are you done farting? - No.

farting

↓

Well, then you're gonna keep hanging your ass out the window

hanging window

↓

till you're done, all right?

till

↓

Look, I... I warned you.

warned

↓

You want to put slices of rum ham on a Grilled Charlie?

charlie grilled slices

↓

That's a stomach bomb.

bomb stomach

↓

It's too much for your system.

system

↓

Then make me another one.

another

↓

If I'm gonna stick my ass out the window, I'm gonna eat.

stick window

↓

Unbelievable. All right, here we go.

unbelievable

↓

I feel like it's gonna be a week

week

↓

before your system gets back to normal.

normal system

↓

Y... You can't just eat

↓

- whatever you... - Charlie...

charlie

↓

Holy shit!

holy

↓

Are you okay?

↓

Frank?

frank

↓

Hey, are you all right?

↓

Hey! Are you okay?

↓

Are you all right, man?

↓

Frank!

frank

↓

Where are you going?

↓

I'm the one that came up with the chickens

chickens

↓

to contaminate the steaks.

contaminate steaks

↓

Yeah, get out of here, Frank.

frank

↓

We're right in the middle of something very important.

middle

↓

I was on the phone, I came up with it.

phone

↓

What are you talking about? That never happened...

happened

↓

Your mother's dead.

dead mothers

↓

- I thought I was the one that... - Yeah, we know she's dead.

dead

↓

I think I was the one that told you to make that call.

↓

I... I was just kidding.

kidding

↓

Uh, your mother's not really dead.

dead mothers

↓

Uh, I dropped that bomb to soften the blow.

blow bomb dropped soften

↓

We're getting divorced.

divorced

↓

Wh... What's happening?

↓

Are you doing a bit, Frank?

frank

↓

It's not funny.

funny

↓

Hey! Hey!

↓

Oh, shit, man, are you okay?

↓

And who might you be?

might

↓

Wh... What?

↓

Uh-oh, he's finally lost it.

finally lost

↓

Should we toss him in a home?

home toss

↓

- Yep. - I... I'll get the car.

↓

N... N... No, guys, guys.

↓

Frank fell out my window.

fell frank window

↓

We had our, like, fire escape taken off,

escape fire taken

↓

and, dude, you, like, must have hit your head real hard.

hard head must real real-hard

↓

Look, you seem like a really nice kid.

↓

But my head is fine.

head

↓

- Oh, my God. - Oh, shit.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Oh, it's his skull!

skull

↓

Uh, okay, Frank.

frank

↓

- Um, what day is it? - Wednesday.

wednesday

↓

- Yes. - Wrong, it's Tuesday.

tuesday

↓

- Is it? - Actually, no, it's... It's Wednesday.

wednesday

↓

- He's right. - I... Did I lose a day?

lose

↓

- Yeah. - Okay, you know what? I got one.

↓

- Um, what is the capital of Pennsylvania? - Philadelphia.

capital pennsylvania philadelphia

↓

- Yes. No. - I don't think that's right.

↓

Uh, is it Pittsburgh?

pittsburgh

↓

Uh, at one point, it was Philly.

philly point

↓

- I'm pretty sure. - I don't think they change it.

change

↓

All right, let's just, let's ask something easier.

easier

↓

Who's the president of the United States?

president states united united-states

↓

George Bush.

bush george

↓

Nah, I was just kidding.

kidding

↓

The real president of the United States is Dick Cheney.

dick president real states united united-states

↓

He's pulling all the strings.

pulling strings

↓

Ah, shit, Frank, what year do you think it is?

frank

↓

2006.

↓

- Oh, man. - Whoa.

whoa

↓

Well, okay, so something clearly happened to Frank

frank happened

↓

when he fell out of that window.

fell window

↓

I think what happened is he went through the window,

happened window

↓

and the window seemed to be some sort of portal to the year 2006.

portal seemed window

↓

He has a concussion.

concussion

↓

It's not 2006.

↓

It's crazy, but stranger things have happened.

crazy happened stranger

↓

- No, they haven't. No, they haven't. - A... A... All right.

↓

Guys, guys, guys.

↓

You remember ten years ago when Frank first came back,

frank remember years

↓

and he wanted to, like, give all his money away to charity

charity money wanted

↓

and reconnect with his kids and shit?

kids reconnect

↓

Right, then he started hanging out with Mac and Charlie,

charlie hanging started

↓

got a taste of the bar lifestyle

lifestyle taste

↓

and decided he'd rather live in squalor.

decided live squalor

↓

Guys, we have an opportunity to change history.

change history opportunity

↓

Are you talking about taking all his money and kicking him out?

kicking money

↓

- Of course that's what I'm talking about. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to do that.

course

↓

- I... I want to do that. I'm in. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

↓

We got to come up with a plan here.

plan

↓

What if Charlie and I take Frank

charlie frank

↓

to the strip club like before,

club strip strip-club

↓

so he keeps thinking it's 2006?

keeps thinking

↓

We can't repeat the same mistakes of the past.

mistakes past repeat

↓

'Cause that might trigger his memories.

memories might trigger

↓

In fact, keep Charlie away from Frank.

charlie fact frank

↓

I mean, he's drawn to him

drawn

↓

for some inexplicable reason.

reason

↓

Dee, here's what we'll do.

↓

You and I will actually reconnect

reconnect

↓

with Frank this time instead of rejecting him.

frank

↓

Okay, we just got to figure out a way to get him

figure

↓

to write us a check for that money.

check money write

↓

You know what we could do is

↓

we could do like a Wyclef Jean thing

jean

↓

and create a charity for Haiti

charity create haiti

↓

and then allegedly keep all the money for ourselves.

allegedly money

↓

By the time he figures out what the hell's going on...

figures hells

↓

We'll be gone till November We'll be gone till November

gone november till till-november

↓

And tell my baby I'll be gone till November

baby gone november till till-november

↓

DEE, DENNIS AND MAC: February, March, April, May

april dennis february march

↓

June, July, August September...

august july june september

↓

You don't know the song. You don't know the song.

song

↓

There was a good bounce to it.

bounce

↓

All right, well, either way, let's do that.

↓

Guigino's.

guiginos

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

That's a nice place.

place

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

↓

Fresh fish daily.

daily fish fresh

↓

How do you not have fish?

fish

↓

Two can play at that game.

game

↓

Banging your sister is perverted.

banging perverted sister

↓

We ever been here before?

↓

No.

↓

No, no...

↓

So, so, so...

↓

Catch me up.

catch

↓

How's life?

life

↓

Uh, life's good, man.

lifes

↓

Things have been, uh, pretty good.

↓

I'm still working towards becoming a veterinarian.

becoming veterinarian working

↓

- Of course. - Mm-hmm.

course

↓

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, yeah.

↓

And I'm still working toward my dreams

dreams working

↓

of becoming a Broadway star.

becoming broadway star

↓

Getting close but just haven't quite found my traction.

close found

↓

- Right. - Mmm, that's okay.

↓

- You got time. - Yeah.

↓

Youse are young.

young youse

↓

You're what, 25, 26?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Eh, give it a few more years.

years

↓

If it doesn't work out, you move on.

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

I mean, y... You don't want to be almost 40 working at a bar.

working

↓

- Right. - Nope.

nope

↓

No way.

↓

I know that I've been a lousy dad,

lousy

↓

but there's only one person to blame for that,

blame person

↓

your whore mother.

mother whore

↓

- Mmm. - I don't like who she turned me into.

turned

↓

The big house, the big car.

house

↓

I'm giving it all away.

giving

↓

To charity.

charity

↓

Well, that is a great idea.

idea

↓

I thought you'd give me a lot of shit for that.

↓

- Oh, no. - Man, who do you think we are?

↓

Oh, my gosh.

gosh

↓

No, we are super into helping people in need

helping super

↓

- and poor people and... - Yeah. Y... Y... Yeah, y... Yeah.

poor

↓

Dennis and I, we work very closely

closely dennis

↓

with a charity that, uh, that offers relief

charity offers relief

↓

for the Haiti disaster.

disaster haiti

↓

There was a disaster in Haiti?

disaster haiti

↓

Oh, oh, had that not, had that had not...

↓

To d... Was it...

↓

Yeah, I... I just got to look a quick thing up on my phone if...

phone quick

↓

Um, s... Dad, uh...

↓

Whoa, wh... Wh... Whoa.

whoa

↓

What's that?

↓

- What is that? - My phone?

phone

↓

That's a phone?

phone

↓

I've never seen anything like it in my life.

life seen

↓

That's because... I invented it.

invented

↓

You invented that?

invented

↓

Yep.

↓

That is genius.

genius

↓

Yeah, isn't it?

↓

Dennis, I always thought you'd be the one to move out in front.

dennis front

↓

No, it was her, but it was her after me,

↓

because, um, she actually came up with that

↓

after I had already invented this.

invented

↓

You invented that?

invented

↓

Yeah, I invented this first, and then she copied me.

invented

↓

Well, you know what I did? I upgraded it.

upgraded

↓

- I made it better. - Oh.

↓

And I was worried that you were gonna

worried

↓

spend the rest of your lives in that crap bar.

lives rest spend

↓

No, we're killing it.

killing

↓

Well, here's to your futures.

futures

↓

Hey, all right.

↓

Oh, Dee, you bitch.

bitch

↓

This is great, Charlie.

charlie

↓

I am going to show you what life could be like without Frank.

frank life

↓

Yeah, except the first time we came here with Frank,

except frank

↓

we brought home two strippers, so...

brought home strippers

↓

Yeah, but he banged both of them.

banged

↓

Uh, true, yeah.

↓

This time, you and I are gonna be

↓

the ones that bang the strippers.

bang ones strippers

↓

Right. Well, why do you want to bang them?

bang

↓

Oh.

↓

'Cause it's 2006, and you're still into women.

women

↓

Crazy.

crazy

↓

- Huh? - You're not...

↓

- You haven't become... - Just drop it, just drop it, just drop it.

become drop

↓

- Yeah, I... I'll drop it. - Hey!

drop

↓

- Frankie, what's up, man? - Wait, wait. What are you doing here?

frankie

↓

I thought you were out with your kids.

kids

↓

- You mind if I sit down? - Yeah, absolutely not.

absolutely mind

↓

Pop a squat, Frankie.

frankie squat

↓

Goddamn it, I... I...

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

You poor baby.

baby poor poor-baby

↓

What happened to your head?

happened head

↓

Ooh.

↓

Eh, it's nothing... Just a little scratch.

scratch

↓

No, it looks infected.

infected

↓

It does?

↓

Maybe give you a lap dance?

dance

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

Make yourself at home... Welcome to mi casa.

home welcome

↓

You got any booze?

booze

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... In the bed, under the pillow.

pillow

↓

- Oh, oh. - Oh, gosh.

gosh

↓

I love it, it's so spacious.

love

↓

It's one goddamn room.

goddamn room

↓

You have a steak knife in your bed.

knife steak

↓

Oh, well, that's Frank's, uh...

franks

↓

Um, that is my toe knife.

knife

↓

It's your what?

↓

Uh, that's my t... Toe knife.

knife

↓

For, you know, digging the scum out of my toes...

digging scum toes

↓

- It's disgusting, disgusting. - ...and cutting my nails off.

cutting disgusting nails

↓

Y... You cut your toenails with a knife?

knife toenails

↓

- Yeah. Well, yeah. - He does.

↓

- I mean, it's, uh... - Gross.

gross

↓

A cleaner cut, really.

cleaner

↓

...scum out of my toenail.

scum

↓

Oh, botched toe.

botched

↓

That is disgusting.

disgusting

↓

Toe knife.

knife

↓

Maybe I ought to try that.

ought

↓

I don't think you should, can I talk to you outside

↓

- for a second? Just one second. Thank you. - All right, all right. Man.

second

↓

Dude, we have to stop what's going on in there.

↓

Why? We're about to bang a couple strippers.

bang couple strippers

↓

Don't you see? We're making the same mistakes

mistakes

↓

that we made with Frank years ago.

frank years

↓

Don't you understand?

↓

He is on a bang path straight to the waitress.

bang path straight waitress

↓

Oh, shit. All right, definitely want to avoid that.

avoid

↓

All right, let's pull him.

pull

↓

- Okay, yeah. - Let's pull him out.

pull

↓

He locked us out.

locked

↓

- He did? - Yes.

↓

So it is 2006.

↓

I'll be gone till November

gone november till till-november

↓

I'll be gone till November

gone november till till-november

↓

Yo, tell my girl I'll be gone till November

girl gone november till till-november

↓

You know what, say what you want about Wyclef,

↓

he may have stolen money from his own people,

money stolen stolen-money

↓

- but that man can write a goddamn song. - Oh, nice.

goddamn song write

↓

- Right? - He's an excellent songwriter.

excellent songwriter

↓

And that is an excellent song.

excellent song

↓

- Mm-hmm. - But, Dee, Dee, look.

↓

I want to talk to you about something, okay?

↓

We have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity here.

lifetime opportunity

↓

- We have a real second chance. - I know.

chance real second second-chance

↓

S... So I want to talk to you about our future.

future

↓

- Should we get into it? - Yes. Yes.

↓

- All right, here, sit down for a second. - Okay.

second

↓

'Cause in order to do that,

order

↓

- I think we're gonna have to get real. - Okay.

real

↓

And I want to get very real with you right now.

real

↓

Yeah, go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Can I do that? Because I feel like I'm almost coddling you.

↓

- Interesting. - But that's neither here nor there.

interesting

↓

I just want to get real with you f... For a second, okay?

real second

↓

- Yeah, go ahead. - So the acting thing.

acting ahead go-ahead

↓

- Mm-hmm. - It's done.

↓

But it's been done for a long time.

↓

I mean, you were too old in 2006.

↓

You're way too old now.

↓

And you're bad at it.

↓

Thank you.

↓

- For your honesty. - Yeah, is it... Are you cool?

cool honesty

↓

- Oh, so much do I appreciate you for that. - Thank you.

appreciate

↓

- Okay, good. - That must have been hard for you.

hard must

↓

- It was. - To say.

↓

- Can I be honest with you? - I... I need you to.

honest

↓

- Right? - Right.

↓

- Okay, so the veterinarian thing. - Yeah.

veterinarian

↓

I feel like the only reason you wanted to be a vet

reason wanted

↓

was to keep the skins.

skins

↓

What?

↓

You want to keep the skins, don't you?

skins

↓

There's no denying the skins are fascinating.

denying fascinating skins

↓

It's the most fascinating part of the animal.

animal fascinating part

↓

The skin of any animal is the most fascinating part.

animal fascinating part skin

↓

- Mmm... - But that's not why I wanted to become...

become wanted

↓

- Also you're going bald. - I'm going bald?

bald

↓

- What are you talking about? - Just in... In the interest of being real.

interest real

↓

Where in the hell am I possibly going bald?

bald possibly

↓

In the back of your head...

head

↓

- There's no evidence of that. - There's quite a bit of ev...

evidence

↓

I'll get two mirrors, I'll show it to you.

mirrors

↓

Don't get mirrors, because... You're not gonna find anything.

mirrors

↓

I see fat spilling over the back of your pants

pants spilling

↓

on a pretty regular basis.

basis regular

↓

What the hell are you talking about?

↓

I'm just trying to let you know.

↓

And by the way, there's no reason

reason

↓

why a bald man who enjoys skins

bald enjoys skins

↓

who has a little bit of extra something-something

extra

↓

around his belly can't be a goddamn veterinarian!

belly goddamn veterinarian

↓

- Okay, you know what, I can act! - You are a wrinkled bitch!

bitch wrinkled

↓

I'm gonna tell you something, my characters are good.

characters

↓

Okay, let's stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

↓

I... I don't want to do this with you, okay?

↓

Do you see what's happening? We're...

↓

We just jumped right back in, we just leapt right back in.

jumped

↓

- Into our old routines. - Same old place.

place routines

↓

And I-I don't want to do that, okay?

↓

'Cause... Let's just focus here.

focus

↓

Here's what we're gonna do.

↓

- We're gonna polish off this wine. - Yeah.

polish wine

↓

And then we're gonna open up a new bottle of vino.

bottle open

↓

Ooh.

↓

And let's talk about our real futures.

futures real

↓

I'll be gone till November...

gone november till till-november

↓

To new beginnings.

↓

And tell my girl, yo, I'll be gone till...

girl gone till

↓

Dennis.

dennis

↓

Dennis, wake up.

dennis wake

↓

Aah.

↓

I'm up, I'm up, I'm up.

↓

Look what we did.

↓

Is that a crack pipe?

crack pipe

↓

Yes.

↓

- No, no. - No.

↓

No, no, no.

↓

How'd this happen again?

happen howd

↓

Well, it looks like we drank everything in the entire world,

drank entire entire-world world

↓

and then we went out and bought some crack,

bought crack

↓

and we smoked it.

smoked

↓

Yeah, a... All right, that's fine.

↓

No, n... No, we just, we... We slipped up.

slipped

↓

It's... It's not a big deal.

deal

↓

Like, we'll... You know,

↓

we'll... Pull ourselves together,

pull

↓

and we'll, you know, we'll get back on crack.

crack

↓

I mean, on track.

track

↓

Unless, um, you have more crack.

crack

↓

No, Dennis, I don't have more crack.

crack dennis

↓

No one in the history of crack

crack history

↓

has ever woken up in the morning with more crack.

crack morning woken

↓

Okay, but if I'm being honest with you,

honest

↓

if I'm being very, very real,

real

↓

I need to be high on crack cocaine right now.

cocaine crack

↓

You know what we can do? I've got a great idea.

idea

↓

Once we get Frank's money,

franks money

↓

we'll just take all of that money

money

↓

and put ourselves in rehab,

rehab

↓

'cause we're not gonna stop smoking crack.

crack smoking smoking-crack

↓

It's all I'm thinking about.

thinking

↓

All right, so we just got to figure out

figure

↓

another way to get some money.

another money

↓

I have a idea.

idea

↓

Hi.

↓

I'm a recovering crackhead,

crackhead recovering

↓

and this is my donkey-brained sister that I take care of.

brained care donkey donkey-brained sister

↓

I'd like some welfare, please.

welfare

↓

You're a recovering crack addict,

addict crack crack-addict recovering

↓

and your sister has...

sister

↓

The brains of a donkey?

brains donkey

↓

Mmm.

↓

We thought that you might be a little bit skeptical,

might skeptical

↓

so we brought proof.

brought proof

↓

Dee?

↓

Well, you clearly replaced the name Frank with the name Dee,

frank name replaced

↓

and you crossed out the word "not" on this document.

crossed document word

↓

Nevertheless, I do not know what the hell this document is.

document

↓

Well, that's... That's an official State's, uh...

official states

↓

I'm gonna go ahead and stop you.

ahead go-ahead

↓

None of this matters to me.

matters

↓

So I don't need the whole song and dance.

dance song whole

↓

If you want welfare...

welfare

↓

You'll just have to fill out a bunch of this paperwork,

bunch fill paperwork

↓

'cause I'm done with this bullshit.

bullshit

↓

This is good news.

news

↓

- This is great, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.

↓

- I mean, times have really changed. - They have, I know.

changed times

↓

You just fill out the paperwork now.

fill paperwork

↓

You don't have to prove anything, you know what I mean?

prove

↓

- You just get the money now. - Obama just gives you the money.

gives money obama

↓

- There's a lot of paperwork to fill out. - Yeah, could you write faster?

faster fill paperwork write

↓

I need some more crack.

crack

↓

I'm starting to come down pretty hard.

hard starting

↓

Okay, listen, Dee,

↓

I'm writing as fast as I can, okay?

fast writing

↓

I... I also want crack. Sorry.

crack

↓

I don't get why we're coming here to find a roommate.

coming roommate

↓

You know, what about living with the waitress, too?

living waitress

↓

The waitress is not going to live with you.

live waitress

↓

This is our only option, okay?

option

↓

People in the welfare store are in a pinch, so are you.

pinch store welfare

↓

Yeah, that's a good point.

point

↓

Uh...

↓

Wait.

↓

Is that Dennis and Dee?

dennis

↓

Hi.

↓

Hey, guys.

↓

Wh... What are you doing here?

↓

Yeah, did you get Frank to write the check?

check frank write

↓

Dude, we're well on our way.

↓

Yeah, but in the meantime,

meantime

↓

we came here because we need some money to buy crack.

crack money

↓

You guys are smoking crack again?

crack smoking smoking-crack

↓

It's not a big deal, because, uh,

deal

↓

as soon as we get that check from Frank,

check frank

↓

we're just gonna zip right off to a... A rehab program.

program rehab

↓

Yeah, we'll get in rehab.

rehab

↓

You guys are back on crack,

crack

↓

Frank brought strippers back to my place,

brought frank place strippers

↓

we're all bumping into each other at the welfare store,

bumping store welfare

↓

and yet I'm the only person who thinks it's 2006.

person thinks

↓

You, you got what I need...

↓

- Oh... - What?

↓

It's him! It's him, everyone, shut up.

↓

- Oh, it's Frank, shut up! - Okay? Shh.

frank

↓

Hey, Frank. Daddy.

daddy frank

↓

- Daddy. - Yeah. Hi, how are you?

daddy

↓

What's up?

↓

No shit.

↓

No shit!

↓

Yes, we will be there in just a few minutes.

minutes

↓

- Okay, bye! - What is it, what do you...

↓

Oh, shit, great news, guys.

news

↓

Great news. No problem with the check.

check news problem

↓

We just gotta meet with his money man

meet money

↓

and he's just gonna write it to us.

write

↓

- Big fat check for us. - Oh, my God, yes.

check

↓

- We're going to see money man. - Get rid of that!

money

↓

All right. Let's go get some crack.

crack

↓

- Yeah. - I mean the check. We're gonna...

check

↓

- Right, yeah. - Get some crack.

crack

↓

Still need a roommate, right?

roommate

↓

Yeah, what about this guy?

↓

Oh, come on, man.

↓

Don't just do that, you know?

↓

Knew you were gonna do that.

↓

Anyone else. Look at him.

↓

Mr. Reynolds.

reynolds

↓

Lauren Kerwin. We spoke earlier.

lauren spoke

↓

Hello, toots.

toots

↓

Hello.

↓

Yeah, so where's Jer-Bear?

bear

↓

Mr. Doran?

↓

Oh, um...

↓

He... He passed away.

passed

↓

He passed...

passed

↓

Jerry!

jerry

↓

Jerry, come on in here, don't give me that.

jerry

↓

Don't make your secretary pull that bit on us.

pull secretary

↓

Come on, Jerry.

jerry

↓

Um, I'm not his secretary

secretary

↓

and he's been dead for years.

dead years

↓

Really. So...

↓

Uh... Well, anyway,

↓

my kids turned me on to an idea last night.

idea kids night turned

↓

- Yeah. - All right, tell 'em about your invention.

invention

↓

Well, the charity that... Huh?

charity

↓

Not the, not the charity. The phone.

charity phone

↓

The phone... They're being modest.

modest phone

↓

Tell her, show her about the phone.

phone

↓

Show the broad the phone.

broad phone

↓

You goddamn bitch!

bitch goddamn goddamn-bitch

↓

You wouldn't know a good idea if it smacked you in a tit.

idea

↓

She's gonna be gone by 2007, you mark my words.

gone mark words

↓

She's a stupid...

stupid

↓

- Stupid idiot. - Yes, she's a dumb...

dumb idiot stupid stupid-idiot

↓

- Dumb bitch. - A stupid moron.

bitch dumb dumb-bitch moron stupid

↓

So, those people on Haiti.

haiti

↓

Now we can help them with the mon... Your money.

money

↓

No, no... Haiti? Haiti's a lost cause.

haiti lost

↓

You might as well sink that goddamn island

goddamn island might sink

↓

What are you talking about? No, not a lost cause,

lost

↓

no, you said you wanted to help poor people.

poor wanted

↓

I am going to help the poor people.

poor

↓

I'm gonna help you, because you are my children

children

↓

and I gotta think of your future.

future

↓

W... What?

↓

This is for you.

↓

There you go.

↓

Oh!

↓

- Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! - Oh, Dee...

↓

Yeah, that's a lot of zeroes.

↓

- Yeah. We will. - Oh, Daddy, we're gonna do

daddy

↓

- such good things with this money. - Yes.

money

↓

We're gonna help people, we're gonna invent.

invent

↓

Let's do it now, though. Let's move.

↓

- Yeah, we'll go deposit it. - Invent, invent, invent, invent, right.

deposit invent

↓

That was a very good decision... Thank you!

decision

↓

Do it right away, do it right away.

↓

You're a great dad.

↓

- Oh, Daddy! - You're a great dad.

daddy

↓

You're right.

↓

You are crackheads, children.

children

↓

I want to thank you, gentlemen, for your interest

gentlemen interest

↓

in the roommate position.

position roommate

↓

You're both excellent candidates.

candidates excellent

↓

We have Edgar

edgar

↓

and Trevor,

trevor

↓

who is an aspiring jazz musician.

jazz musician

↓

That's interesting,

interesting

↓

because Charlie is actually a musician himself.

charlie musician

↓

Mmm, don't really care for jazz, though.

care jazz

↓

A lot of unnecessary notes.

notes unnecessary

↓

Hey!

↓

Got room for one more?

room

↓

Frank, what are you doing here?

frank

↓

Charlie, the other night

charlie night

↓

was the greatest night of my life.

greatest life night

↓

I used to live like that,

live used

↓

in filth and squalor.

filth squalor

↓

I want to do it again.

↓

Absolutely not. We are not doing this again.

absolutely

↓

You know what? I'm gonna consider it.

consider

↓

- Gah... - Frank, have a seat.

frank seat

↓

- Oh, Charlie. - Yeah, yeah,

charlie

↓

- have a seat, all right. - Yeah, yeah.

seat

↓

All right, let's begin.

begin

↓

Okay, uh, first topic is cat food.

food topic

↓

- You want to lead with that? - Mm-hmm.

lead

↓

- Cat food. Okay. - Yeah.

food

↓

You find a can of cat food in the apartment.

apartment food

↓

What do you do with it?

↓

I don't do nothing with it.

↓

Don't touch my shit,

touch

↓

I don't touch your shit.

touch

↓

- Great. - Okay.

↓

- He... He doesn't touch your shit... - Yeah.

touch

↓

- That was very clear. - ...and then you don't...

clear

↓

- So eloquent. Very clear. - What are you writing?

clear writing

↓

I filled in half the can of cat food.

filled food half

↓

- It's sort of a half-full answer. - Great.

answer full half

↓

Trevor, your position on the matter?

matter position trevor

↓

I'd ask if the can is yours,

↓

and, uh, if so,

↓

would you like me to feed the cat?

feed

↓

Oh... Oh, see, now he assumes

assumes

↓

- that you have a cat. - Right.

↓

Smart. He doesn't have a cat.

smart

↓

- Yeah, so... - Oh.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Kind of a waste to... To feed a cat

feed waste

↓

that's not mine.

↓

For me, it depends on how hungry I was.

depends hungry

↓

Or sleepy.

sleepy

↓

Oh, very interesting.

interesting

↓

Couple of points for Frank right there.

couple frank points

↓

W... Why? Well, I don't understand.

↓

He gets points for...

points

↓

- Yeah, eating it and then... - Well, if I was hungry

eating hungry

↓

- and the cat food was there, I'd eat it. - And if you were sleepy...

food sleepy

↓

- If I couldn't go to sleep... - You would...

sleep

↓

I would eat the cat food and go to sleep.

food sleep

↓

'Cause it might make you go to sleep!

might sleep

↓

- All right. - In what scenario

scenario

↓

do you not eat the cat food?

food

↓

- I would always eat the cat food. - Yeah, no.

food

↓

Exactly right. See, now there's a man

↓

who's... Who's thinking on his feet.

feet thinking

↓

Trevor is a great roommate.

roommate trevor

↓

He's a nice guy, he doesn't have

↓

- the experience, though. - Experience? In what?

experience

↓

Well, all these good things. Let's keep talking.

↓

- Hey, I'm sorry, am I... Too late? - Oh.

late

↓

Wow, hi.

↓

What... What are you doing here?

↓

I called her, actually. I left her a message

called left message

↓

'cause I thought she might need a place to live.

live might place

↓

The last couple of years have been pretty rough on me,

couple rough years

↓

and now I'm living in a women's shelter, so...

living shelter womens

↓

Yeah, I figured that. 'Cause she's the worst.

figured worst

↓

Is the apartment still available or not?

apartment available

↓

Well, yeah, it's definitely available.

available

↓

- Great. - Yes!

↓

Oh, I've brokered a deal!

deal

↓

Oh, no, come on, Charlie.

charlie

↓

I... I'm sorry, Frank,

frank

↓

but you know I'm not gonna give up an opportunity

opportunity

↓

to have The Waitress as a roommate.

roommate waitress

↓

A roommate? N... N... N... No, no.

roommate

↓

No, no, you did not say that. You did not say

↓

he would still be living here.

living

↓

That's true, I did not say that,

↓

because I didn't think you would come if I did.

↓

Yeah, well, you're goddamn right I wouldn't have come.

goddamn

↓

I am not living with Charlie. Are you kidding?

charlie kidding living

↓

I would rather live on the streets.

live streets

↓

- You'd rather live on the streets? - Yeah.

live streets

↓

What? Ow!

↓

Ow, my God! What are you doing?

↓

- Put me down! - What the hell are you doing?

↓

- Charlie, what are you doing? - Ow!

charlie

↓

I was gonna throw her out the window

throw window

↓

and send her back to 2006!

send

↓

You were going to throw me out the window?

throw window

↓

- What the hell is wrong with you? - It's a time portal!

portal

↓

Back in time! We could start over again!

start

↓

This is really good.

↓

This is ham soaked in rum.

soaked

↓

Rum ham, rum ham.

↓

...and make me another.

another

↓

Rum ham!

↓

Who wants rum ham?

wants

↓

Rum ham.

↓

- You are such a psycho. - The window is a time portal

portal psycho window

↓

- to 2006. - What is he talking about?

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

What the hell's everybody doing in my apartment?

apartment everybody hells

↓

We having a gang bang?

bang gang having

↓

Oh, my God. Get...

↓

Get the hell out of my way.

↓

Welcome back, Frankie!

frankie welcome

↓

Oh, the farts, man.

farts

↓

- That's good. - Oh. Oh, the fart.

fart

↓

I'm sorry,

↓

I can't cash this check.

cash check

↓

Why? I mean, I know the number's really,

numbers

↓

- really big, but the check is real. - Are you sure you...

check real

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a real check.

check real

↓

No, it's outdated.

outdated

↓

No, he just wrote it yesterday.

wrote yesterday

↓

- Goddamn it. - Son of a bitch.

bitch goddamn goddamn-it

↓

But you say he's just a friend

friend

↓

But you say he's just a friend

friend

↓

Oh, baby, you

baby

↓

Got what I need

↓

But you say he's just a friend

friend

↓

But you say he's just a friend

friend

↓

So I took Blah Blah's word For it at this time

blah word

↓

I said just havin' a friend Couldn't be no crime

crime friend havin

↓

'Cause I have friends And that's a fact

fact friends

↓

Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jack

agnes jack

↓

Forget about that, Let's go into the story

forget story

↓

About a girl named Blah Blah Blah that adored me...

blah blah-blah blah-blah-blah girl girl-named named