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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S12E09 — A Cricket's Tale
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Season 12, Episode 9 — A Cricket's Tale
Come back here!
#2
⇓
Come back here!
#3
⇓
What the hell?
#4
⇓
Shit.
#5
⇓
You're nothing but a street rat!
#6
⇓
I may be a street rat, but I still got your bread, bitch.
#7
⇓
Excuse me, excuse me, are you, um...
#8
⇓
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the suck boy you're looking for.
#9
⇓
You want my time, you got to pay to spray.
#10
⇓
That's my motto. That and you cannot finish inside me.
#11
⇓
Dad?
#13
⇓
You want me to come work for you?
#15
⇓
I'm not getting any younger.
#17
⇓
It's time for me to pass the torch.
#18
⇓
- You're dying. - What?
#20
⇓
I-I figured. You look like hell.
#21
⇓
Hey, has anyone claimed your organs?
#22
⇓
I'm not dying, you idiot.
#23
⇓
I'm retiring.
#24
⇓
Oh. My bad.
#25
⇓
It's a seller's market right now.
#27
⇓
Look what you've become.
#28
⇓
smoking PCP or whatever it is you smoke.
#31
⇓
Oh, come on.
#32
⇓
Do I look like a dusthead to you?
#33
⇓
You certainly don't look like my son.
#34
⇓
Matthew Mara. You remember him?
#35
⇓
Come on.
#36
⇓
I'll think about it.
#38
⇓
I'm just gonna clean myself up.
#41
⇓
Have a little faith.
#42
⇓
My friends have a very nice setup
#43
⇓
In fact, I'm the type of gal who makes men's lives better.
#45
⇓
Hey-o! You guys mind if I shower
#46
⇓
Well, that... don't count that.
#48
⇓
That's not a good example.
#49
⇓
Ah!
#50
⇓
Eh. While I'm here, I might as well...
#51
⇓
Do a little P to the C to the P.
#52
⇓
Take me to the angels, baby.
#53
⇓
It's time to come home, son.
#54
⇓
Maybe it's time to make a change.
#55
⇓
All right, uh, this is the loading dock
#56
⇓
where we, uh, ship our supplies from.
#57
⇓
this is you.
#59
⇓
- Whoa! - What are you doing?
#60
⇓
This is nice.
#61
⇓
I'm gonna sleep well tonight.
#62
⇓
You're gonna sleep at home in a bed.
#65
⇓
- Oh. Eh, too exposed. - Yeah.
#66
⇓
No. I-I'll sleep in, uh, maybe the crawlspace
#67
⇓
- or a cupboard. - This is bullshit.
#68
⇓
Hey, hey, hey, Davy, Davy.
#69
⇓
- Calm down, Davy. - He's a homeless junkie, Dad.
#70
⇓
I don't even understand why we're doing this.
#71
⇓
- When did I ever burn Dad? - You stole his identity.
#73
⇓
I didn't wet the bed till I was in high school.
#75
⇓
Shut your mouth about that.
#76
⇓
- Try it. - Hey, hey, hey, hey!
#78
⇓
Come on! Take it back!
#79
⇓
You want another noogie?
#80
⇓
All right, all right, boys.
#81
⇓
Boys! Stop it!
#82
⇓
Now look here, guys.
#85
⇓
We have an important meeting coming up.
#86
⇓
And I'm gonna tell them that my boys
#88
⇓
Both of them.
#90
⇓
- Yes, sir. - Yes. Yes.
#93
⇓
All right.
#94
⇓
I got my eye on you, loser.
#95
⇓
And you stink like piss, by the way.
#96
⇓
It's freakin' bullcrap.
#97
⇓
What a jerk.
#98
⇓
Huh?
#99
⇓
Oh. Yeah.
#100
⇓
He's always been a hard-on.
#101
⇓
He's the one who stinks, by the way.
#102
⇓
His shoes smell like rotten eggs.
#103
⇓
Sorry. I didn't get your name.
#108
⇓
Oh. I'm Belle.
#109
⇓
Thus the necklace my mother gave me
#110
⇓
that I'm currently guilt-wearing.
#111
⇓
Belle.
#112
⇓
That's a nice name.
#113
⇓
I'm Cricket, uh, Matthew.
#114
⇓
It's nice to meet you, Matthew.
#115
⇓
Hey, date!
#116
⇓
Um, I'm sorry. What?
#117
⇓
Shit. Sorry. Um,
#118
⇓
haven't done this in a long time. Uh...
#119
⇓
would you like to go on a date with me some time?
#120
⇓
Yeah. Yeah, I... I'd like that.
#121
⇓
- Yeah? - Mmm-hmm.
#122
⇓
Okay.
#123
⇓
Okay. Bye.
#124
⇓
Okay.
#125
⇓
Hey, boss?
#126
⇓
- You go by Cricket? - I do.
#127
⇓
Phone's for you. Line two.
#128
⇓
Oh, really?
#129
⇓
- Mmm. Hello. - Cricket!
#130
⇓
Oh. Cricket.
#131
⇓
Damn it! How the hell did you guys find me?
#132
⇓
A magician never reveals his tricks, Cricks.
#133
⇓
Yeah. We did put that pet-tracking device in him.
#134
⇓
Well, wait. Don't tell him that.
#135
⇓
Wait. You did what? Wait. Did you put a chip in...
#136
⇓
Did you put a chip in me?
#137
⇓
Nothing, Cricket. Hey, listen, um, we got a job for you, buddy.
#138
⇓
Oh, do you? Well, uh, I'm not doing it.
#139
⇓
- Well, you don't even know what it is. - Hey! Yeah. Come on, man.
#140
⇓
- You don't know what the job is, Cricket. - You don't know the job.
#141
⇓
Doesn't matter. I know it probably involves hurting me,
#142
⇓
degrading me or generally treating me like shit.
#143
⇓
- You're not totally wrong. - Yeah. Yeah.
#144
⇓
Cricket, uh, we'll give you five bucks, huh?
#145
⇓
Yeah, five dollars, Cricket.
#146
⇓
The answer is no.
#147
⇓
All right. Fine. Three dollars.
#148
⇓
Well, you don't go down in negotiation.
#149
⇓
- You go up. - With Cricket, you do.
#150
⇓
Well, now it's $2.50, Crick, so you want the job or not?
#151
⇓
You know, ticktock.
#152
⇓
Uh, look, guys, um,
#153
⇓
I got a new life, so I don't need anything from you.
#154
⇓
Well, Cricket, everybody needs a little extra cash.
#155
⇓
Yeah. It's money, Cricket!
#156
⇓
Well, uh, actually, that is true,
#157
⇓
because I... I do have a date.
#158
⇓
Ah. Well, don't make up a story.
#159
⇓
I mean, yeah, we don't care what you're doing with the money.
#160
⇓
Hey, dipshit!
#161
⇓
We're not paying you to talk on the phone.
#162
⇓
Speaking of, I need some cash. When do we get paid?
#163
⇓
Paychecks come at the end of the month. Who you talking to, huh?
#164
⇓
Your drug dealer?
#165
⇓
Your skeezy little arrogant douche bag friends
#166
⇓
down at the bar?
#167
⇓
- Those guys are my friends! - Whatever!
#168
⇓
I am so onto you.
#169
⇓
And I bet you're gonna be high by the end of the night.
#170
⇓
Ooh!
#171
⇓
Freakin' bullcrap!
#172
⇓
He's getting yelled at.
#173
⇓
Well, don't piss off your trick there, Cricket.
#174
⇓
- He might cut you up. - Yeah, just
#175
⇓
finish the guy off, and then come do the job for us.
#176
⇓
All right, what's it gonna be?
#177
⇓
We need a decision, Cricket.
#178
⇓
Mmm...
#179
⇓
Are we ready to party tonight?
#180
⇓
So am I!
#181
⇓
Got 'em, everybody got 'em.
#182
⇓
- Dad? - Oh! Janie? Oh!
#183
⇓
Let's just have a good time and get drunk, huh?
#184
⇓
Stuff it down with some brown.
#185
⇓
Stuff it down with brown.
#186
⇓
- Can always stuff it down. - Hey, good job, fellas.
#187
⇓
I loved how you ruined that dad.
#188
⇓
Ah. I got to say, it's kind of fun
#189
⇓
being on the other end of it sometimes, huh?
#190
⇓
Okay, time to pay the piper. Who's got the money?
#191
⇓
- Yes. - Oh, uh, Frank.
#192
⇓
Lemons.
#193
⇓
What? No. N-No, okay? No, you're not paying me in lemons again.
#194
⇓
Okay? Hey, we had an agreement.
#195
⇓
You want to get paid in PCP, Cricket? 'Cause you're just
#196
⇓
- gonna spend it on drugs anyway, right? - Oh, yeah, skip the middleman.
#197
⇓
Uh, yeah. You want some dust?
#198
⇓
No. Okay, normally, okay?
#199
⇓
But now I'm off drugs, and I actually have a date,
#200
⇓
so I need the money, I really need the money.
#201
⇓
Look, Cricket, I'm sure whatever street mongrel you're dating,
#202
⇓
she's into lemons, too, so you're good.
#203
⇓
God damn it. God damn you, you are the worst person ever.
#204
⇓
And by the way, my name is not Cricket, okay?
#205
⇓
My name is Matthew Mara.
#206
⇓
I'm a person. A person, by the way, who has a job now.
#207
⇓
Yeah. I am going to be running a company soon.
#208
⇓
- Crick, I love you, but this is so boring. - You're losing me.
#209
⇓
God damn it! All right, you know what? Screw you guys.
#210
⇓
Hey, Cricket? Cricket? Cricket! Come on.
#211
⇓
Cricket, Cricket, calm down, man. Hey, look.
#212
⇓
What?
#213
⇓
- You want the lemons or not? - Unbelievable.
#214
⇓
Yes, I'm gonna take the lemons. God damn it.
#215
⇓
- You guys are the worst. - He wants the lemons.
#216
⇓
- He needs the lemons. - The guy loves lemons.
#217
⇓
He needs the lemons for the scurvy.
#218
⇓
Yeah, yeah. He'll be back.
#219
⇓
After everything I've done, you know?
#220
⇓
After everything they've done to me.
#221
⇓
Belle?
#222
⇓
What are you doing here?
#223
⇓
Promise I'm not stalking you.
#224
⇓
I'm just out for a walk.
#225
⇓
My dad'll be so worried about me,
#226
⇓
but I just had to get out of the house.
#227
⇓
Ah.
#228
⇓
Ever since my mom died, I'm kind of all he's got,
#229
⇓
so he's become a little overbearing.
#230
⇓
Yeah, I get that. I got an overbearing dad, too.
#231
⇓
- Yeah. - My life's the worst.
#232
⇓
Um. Ah.
#233
⇓
You're so funny.
#234
⇓
Okay.
#235
⇓
And cute.
#236
⇓
Oh, son of a bitch. Did someone put you up to this?
#237
⇓
No. Why?
#238
⇓
Look, I am not funny, and I'm sure as shit not cute.
#239
⇓
Nobody put me up to this, okay?
#240
⇓
I like you. I do, and
#241
⇓
I feel like we have more in common than you think.
#242
⇓
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
#243
⇓
Go behind some Dumpster and bang?
#244
⇓
I was kind of talking about that date.
#245
⇓
Oh. I'm into that.
#246
⇓
There they are!
#247
⇓
Davy, Pops.
#248
⇓
I met the most amazing girl.
#249
⇓
I'm in love. I'm in love!
#250
⇓
And I owe it all to you, Dad,
#251
⇓
for giving me a second chance.
#252
⇓
Thank you. Now,
#253
⇓
let's go in this meeting and show this guy
#254
⇓
that he is making the right choice
#255
⇓
investing in the Mara brothers!
#256
⇓
You missed it, asshole.
#257
⇓
Huh?
#258
⇓
You missed it. The meeting. We lost the account.
#259
⇓
Dad, I told you we couldn't trust him.
#260
⇓
God damn it, Matt. This was your chance.
#261
⇓
Shit. Okay. Um, I'll talk to the guy.
#262
⇓
I will make this right, okay?
#263
⇓
He's probably down by his car right now.
#264
⇓
Carl Lewis couldn't catch him!
#265
⇓
I can.
#266
⇓
Mr. Sanderson!
#267
⇓
Mr. Sanderson!
#268
⇓
Matthew Mara.
#269
⇓
Did you just do a flip off that truck?
#270
⇓
Yes, sir. That is how dedicated I am
#271
⇓
to keeping your business. Now, look,
#272
⇓
I know you have your reservations,
#273
⇓
but I'm asking you, give us a second chance.
#274
⇓
I'm not giving you a second chance. I made my decision. It's final.
#275
⇓
Okay. Well, guess I'm gonna have to cut your heart out then.
#276
⇓
What did you just say?
#277
⇓
I said I guess I'm gonna have to cut...
#278
⇓
your heart... out of your body.
#279
⇓
You see, uh,
#280
⇓
I'm from the streets.
#281
⇓
And I'm about to poke you full of holes.
#282
⇓
He'll do it!
#283
⇓
What? Well, th-that's great!
#284
⇓
What changed your mind, Tom?
#285
⇓
Uh, your son here made a compelling argument.
#286
⇓
What? Oh. Well, see, he's my boy.
#287
⇓
We will not let you down,
#288
⇓
- Mr. Sanderson. - Uh, D-Davy,
#289
⇓
- don't push. Uh... - Yes, sir.
#290
⇓
Tom, let's discuss this.
#291
⇓
Hey.
#292
⇓
What?
#293
⇓
Maybe I misjudged you.
#294
⇓
Maybe you're not...
#295
⇓
just some homeless junkie.
#296
⇓
Maybe you're my brother.
#297
⇓
Sorry I said that about Carl Lewis.
#298
⇓
- Belle. - Heard me comin', I guess.
#299
⇓
I think I just saved the company.
#300
⇓
Wow. That's great news for you.
#301
⇓
And probably bad news for me.
#302
⇓
I'm running away.
#303
⇓
I got to see the world.
#304
⇓
I was wondering if you might want to come away with me.
#305
⇓
I-I can't.
#306
⇓
I mean, this is my life now.
#307
⇓
Yeah. I understand.
#308
⇓
Well, I should go.
#309
⇓
Hey, um...
#310
⇓
could you just help me with my necklace?
#311
⇓
I can never seem to get it off.
#312
⇓
Sure.
#313
⇓
Here.
#314
⇓
No, I... I want you to keep it.
#315
⇓
Something to remember me by.
#316
⇓
Well, good-bye, Matthew.
#317
⇓
Well, here's something to remember me by.
#318
⇓
Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what are you doing?
#319
⇓
- What the hell are you doing? - I'm making out with the woman I love.
#320
⇓
What the hell are you talking about? That's Dad's dog.
#321
⇓
You're making out with my dog!
#322
⇓
Dog?
#323
⇓
Oh, shit!
#324
⇓
Oh, no.
#325
⇓
Maybe it's time to make a change.
#326
⇓
Nah, I'm gonna smoke it.
#327
⇓
- I'm Cricket. - I'm Belle.
#328
⇓
That's a nice name. His shoes
#329
⇓
- smell like rotten eggs. - Lemons.
#330
⇓
- Screw you guys! - You smell his shoes?
#331
⇓
Beauty and the...
#332
⇓
Beauty
#333
⇓
And the beast...
#334
⇓
Huh.
#335
⇓
He's gone.
#336
⇓
Way to go, Rickety Cricket.
#337
⇓
So, you did exactly what I thought you'd do,
#338
⇓
you goddamn street rat!
#339
⇓
Matt, Matt, God damn it.
#340
⇓
I gave you a shot.
#341
⇓
You can't go around
#342
⇓
doing insane shit like kissing dogs.
#343
⇓
You got to put all that
#344
⇓
nonsense behind you once and for all.
#345
⇓
Now, this is my last and final offer.
#346
⇓
You cut that bullshit out and come work with me,
#347
⇓
or you go back on the street
#348
⇓
and crawl back into that manure pile
#349
⇓
I found you in.
#350
⇓
So, which is it?
#351
⇓
Huh?
#352
⇓
- Hey-o! - Oh, Cricket!
#353
⇓
- Cricket! - Hey, hey!
#354
⇓
Hey, you guys mind if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?
#355
⇓
- Smoke up, bud. - Yeah, absolutely, dude.
#356
⇓
Do what you got to do, man. You do you, bud. You do you!
#357
⇓
We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.
#358
⇓
Have fun, buddy. Go, Cricket.
#359
⇓
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