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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S12E08 — The Gang Tends Bar

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 12, Episode 8 — The Gang Tends Bar

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Tends Bar

Air date: February 22, 2017

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

It’s Valentine’s Day and Paddy’s is packed with customers. Dennis implores the gang to do one day of actual work but everyone else is distracted by a mystery crate Cricket spotted in the alley. Eventually, the gang becomes convinced Dennis really wants them to work on their relationships and everyone shares their grievances without much resolution.

Source: TMDB

↓

Oh, that's fresh, dude. Yeah, that's real nice.

fresh real

↓

Seriously, you're gonna bring that up again? Jerry, Jerry,

bring jerry

↓

Jerry... I'm so sick of hearing about Jerry, man.

hearing jerry sick

↓

- Everything is "Jerry" out of your mouth. - Hey, hey, hey, uh,

jerry mouth

↓

Charlie, I need a new keg. This one's tapped, buddy.

buddy charlie ones tapped

↓

Yeah, give me a second. Like, if Jerry jumped off a bridge

bridge jerry jumped second

↓

would you jump off it, too?

jump

↓

- Which bridge? - Guys, guys...

bridge

↓

- Which bridge, really? - Yeah, yeah.

bridge

↓

Guys, guys, please stop arguing, okay? Can you just...

arguing

↓

can you do your jobs today? We got a bunch of customers

bunch customers jobs today

↓

in here. I want to take advantage of it.

advantage

↓

Look, can you just tell him to get rid of Jerry first?

jerry

↓

I'm sorry, I don't even know who that is.

↓

- My tapeworm. - You have a tapeworm?

↓

And you named it?

named

↓

- Jerry. - Jerry.

jerry

↓

Yeah, okay, great. Look, guys, can we not do this?

↓

Can we not talk about worms

worms

↓

or sewers or rats today, with all these people in here? We got a good thing going.

rats sewers today

↓

Charlie, new keg.

charlie

↓

Well, I just think maybe I'm a little sensitive

sensitive

↓

because it's Valentine's Day and I don't really

valentines

↓

want to hear about Jerry all day long.

jerry

↓

But, yeah, fine, what do you want, you want me

↓

to put pink ink in the beer or something,

beer pink

↓

- make it all inky and pink? - I... No, no, no, no.

inky pink

↓

are in here today because they don't have people who love them

love today

↓

and get them shit on Valentine's Day. All right?

valentines

↓

So, can we not remind them of that with inky beer?

beer inky remind

↓

All right, fine. Can you just tell him to get lost, then?

lost

↓

And then we'll go back to the way things were.

↓

- Who? - Jerry.

jerry

↓

- The worm? - Yeah.

worm

↓

You just described my ex-husband.

described husband

↓

- Oh... - Oh...

↓

- Yeah, he's a... He can't think, yeah. - That's pretty funny.

funny

↓

Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee! Dee!

↓

Dee is in the house, uh, Dee is in the house,

house

↓

uh, Dee is in the house. Oh... Oh...

house

↓

Thanks for the chant, guys. What's up?

thanks

↓

Yeah, no, we were talking about the new Dee, the funny one.

funny

↓

- Her? Why are you calling her Dee? - Yeah.

calling

↓

Oh, well, she's like a new regular. She's been coming in here.

coming regular

↓

You know, trying to make her feel more at home.

home

↓

- It's a nickname, short for Dottie. - Then call her Dot.

nickname short

↓

Nah, we already started calling her Dee and it kind of stuck.

calling started started-calling stuck

↓

You know, can't really change it now. It's locked in.

change locked

↓

That's my nickname, bitch. Don't you take my nickname.

bitch nickname

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- You bitch! Get out of here! - What are you...

bitch

↓

Don't yell at the customers, okay? Look, we got a good thing going here, all right?

customers yell

↓

We got a bunch of new customers in here.

bunch customers

↓

We got a regular, we might get more regulars.

might regular

↓

- Let's not screw this up. - Guys, guys.

screw

↓

- I've got news, I've got glorious news. - Oh!

glorious news

↓

Mac! Mac! Mac! Mac!

↓

Mac is in the house, Mac is in the house.

house

↓

Thanks for the chant, guys. Listen, I need everybody

everybody thanks

↓

to drop everything and come out to the back alley.

alley drop

↓

There is an unopened crate out there.

crate unopened

↓

- An un... an unopened crate? - Crate? Oh! Crate?

crate unopened

↓

- Hey, there's a crate! - Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

crate whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- We got a crate. Let's go! - No.

crate

↓

- What, what? - Stop, hey, stop!

↓

- What? What? - Stop! Stop.

↓

We got a bar full of customers here.

customers full

↓

So what? Oh! Oh, shit, okay, okay, you know what I'll do?

↓

Um, I can put a fan next to the yuck puddle,

puddle yuck

↓

and the smell's gonna clear everybody out.

clear everybody smells

↓

I don't want to clear everybody out.

clear everybody

↓

I'm saying why are we running out of the bar to look

running

↓

It's about the mystery of what's inside the crate

crate mystery

↓

- that gets us. - Yeah, the straw.

straw

↓

Yeah. Well, not the straw, though. No.

straw

↓

No, not the straw. Whatever's in the crate, like...

crate straw whatevers

↓

- Yeah, it's worth a look. - It's not worth a look.

worth

↓

It's trash. There's nothing in there. There never is.

trash

↓

This is what I'm saying. Why...

↓

out into the world, looking for riches and treasures

looking world

↓

when we've got everything we need right here.

↓

Oh, you're saying we do, like, a booze for money type scheme.

booze money scheme type

↓

- That's good. Who came up with that? - Was it me?

↓

Whoever invented the idea of a bar?

idea invented

↓

Which is what we decided to do years ago

decided years

↓

when we bought this goddamn place. So, can we please,

bought goddamn goddamn-place place

↓

for once in our lives, not go chasing after crates?

chasing lives

↓

You know, and talk about worms?

worms

↓

Right? Yelling at the customers and shit?

customers yelling

↓

Can we just do the one thing we've never tried?

tried

↓

Can we just do our jobs?

jobs

↓

'89, good.

↓

Damn drunks.

↓

Rum and Coke, tequila soda.

coke soda tequila

↓

Pay me.

↓

All right, that's gonna be five.

five

↓

Out of 20.

↓

Yup.

↓

Aw, she wants another mojito.

another mojito wants

↓

Looks like our regular's got herself a usual.

usual

↓

You bet.

↓

Yo. I am all done with my work.

↓

Can we go check out that crate now?

check crate

↓

What? You're not done.

↓

Shit, how'd you know?

howd

↓

Because the bar's still open.

bars open

↓

You're not done till we close.

close till

↓

and check out that crate. Just the two of us,

check crate

↓

no one else has to know. Just to get it off our minds.

minds

↓

It's not on my mind, okay? Let it go. Christ, five people

christ five mind

↓

have walked in here since we started this conversation.

conversation started walked

↓

Can you go check their IDs so we don't get another

another check

↓

underage drinking situation on our hands?

drinking hands situation underage

↓

- Just got my mind on that crate. - Right, well,

crate mind

↓

- get your mind on your job. - Done, done, done.

mind

↓

Done with my work.

↓

Oh, Christ, they're like dominoes. Frank, you're not done

christ dominoes frank

↓

- until the end of the day. - I already cooked the books.

books cooked

↓

How about you don't cook the books so we can actually tell

books cook

↓

- how the business is doing? - Oh, well...

business

↓

It's crazy. How are we ever gonna...

crazy

↓

Oh, the soda gun's clogged.

clogged guns soda

↓

Dude, can you go clear the lines for me?

clear lines

↓

Trick Charlie into doing it.

charlie trick

↓

Well, I want you to do it.

↓

I can't trick Charlie.

charlie trick

↓

Charlie's pretending to ignore me because he's jealous of Jerry.

charlies ignore jealous jerry pretending

↓

I-I don't want you to trick Charlie.

charlie trick

↓

- I want you to clear the lines. - Speaking of Jerry,

clear jerry lines speaking

↓

- break time. - What do you mean?

break

↓

Lunch.

lunch

↓

I'm craving salty,

craving salty

↓

but Jerry likes sweet.

jerry likes sweet

↓

What are you doing? Don't-don't

↓

reach your hands directly in the...

directly hands reach

↓

- This is sweet. - Oh, Jesus Christ, get out of here,

christ jesus jesus-christ sweet

↓

Frank, you're an animal.

animal frank

↓

He won't stop eating,

eating

↓

- yet he's just wasting away. - Yeah.

wasting

↓

I mean, can you believe them?

believe

↓

You know, I can't even play Night Crawlers with him anymore

anymore crawlers night night-crawlers

↓

'cause he doesn't want to offend Jerry.

jerry offend

↓

I'm gonna stop you there, Charlie, because

charlie

↓

I've exhausted my daily quota of worm talk

daily exhausted quota worm

↓

and worm-related issues. What are you doing?

issues related related-issues worm

↓

- Don't reach your hands in there! - Why not?

hands reach

↓

Jesus Christ... Oh, God. Look,

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

can you just... can you please go clear the lines for me?

clear lines

↓

Are they clogged?

clogged

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Just trick Dee into it. - It's not a tri...

trick

↓

See, this is the problem. You guys all think that work

problem

↓

is tricking people. It's not. It's just your job.

tricking

↓

So, can you please go do it? In all the time

↓

that we've talked about tricking each other into doing our jobs

jobs talked tricking

↓

we could've made 1,000 drinks.

couldve drinks

↓

Yeah, maybe. All right,

↓

let me see if I can trick Mac into it first.

trick

↓

Don't trick anybody, just do it... Oh, goddamn.

anybody goddamn trick

↓

I need two shots of whiskey.

shots whiskey

↓

More shots of whiskey. Okay, yes, nice.

shots whiskey

↓

Finally, somebody's actually working.

finally somebodys working

↓

You know what, I appreciate that, Dee.

appreciate

↓

- I appreciate you. - All right, what are you doing?

appreciate

↓

No, no, no, no, no.

↓

- That was a big one. Thank you. - The other one, too.

↓

Yeah, that's what this is. Okay, so,

↓

clearly, you're not busy, so, I need somebody

busy somebody

↓

to clear the lines. The soda gun's clogged.

clear clogged guns lines soda

↓

Did Charlie ask you to trick me?

charlie trick

↓

Trick you? No, the... It's not a trick.

trick

↓

The soda gun is clogged, I cannot make drinks.

cannot clogged drinks soda

↓

I don't know. I don't trust Charlie today.

charlie today trust

↓

You know, I made him a valentine.

valentine

↓

He hasn't given me shit yet in return.

given return

↓

Why the hell did you do that? We don't do valentines anymore.

anymore valentines

↓

I know, but we used to, and it was fun,

fun used

↓

you know? It was a goof.

goof

↓

It wasn't a goof. You guys were supposed to give valentine's

goof supposed valentines

↓

cards to each other, but instead you were just sticking hate mail

cards hate mail sticking

↓

in a suggestion box covered in hearts.

covered hearts suggestion

↓

I'll give it to you, though, it got a little nasty at the end.

nasty

↓

A little bit nasty?

nasty

↓

One of you put anthrax in the box.

anthrax

↓

Or do you not remember the anthrax scare?

anthrax remember scare

↓

Oh, ho, I remember the anthrax scare.

anthrax remember scare

↓

To many, 9/18 was the delivery world's 9/11.

delivery worlds

↓

That's a good point. No, I'm talking about

point

↓

a different anthrax scare, but it shouldn't concern you.

anthrax concern scare

↓

- Stop it! - She just talks too much.

talks

↓

- Hey-oh! - Oh!

↓

- Cricket! - Cricket!

cricket cricket-cricket

↓

- Cricket! - Hey, you guys mind

cricket mind

↓

if I go in the bathroom and smoke some PCP?

bathroom smoke

↓

No, dude, you do you! Go for it.

↓

You do you!

↓

You do you! You do you!

↓

We don't judge, Cricket, we don't judge.

cricket judge

↓

What are you doing? Guys, guys, guys, what

↓

- in the hell are you doing? - Yeah, Cricket.

cricket

↓

Cricket. This has got to stop, you guys. This is nuts.

cricket nuts

↓

We can't go around encouraging homeless men

encouraging homeless

↓

to smoke PCP in our restrooms,

smoke

↓

you know, trying to trick each other into doing our jobs

jobs trick

↓

and getting fired up at the mere mention of a crate.

crate fired mention mere

↓

Oh, but it's just such a mystery, isn't it?

mystery

↓

- Cool crate. - Can't stop thinking about it.

cool crate thinking

↓

It really isn't though. It's just trash.

trash

↓

It's trash that somebody left behind.

behind left left-behind somebody somebody-left trash

↓

Hey, but if it's mystery you want,

mystery

↓

you know, what about the mystery of the yuck puddle?

mystery puddle yuck

↓

What the hell is that thing, you know? Why won't it dry up?

↓

Why won't it harden?

↓

It shifts. I've seen it shift.

seen shift shifts

↓

He's seen it shift. You see, we shouldn't have

seen shift

↓

an amorphous shifting blob in the bar, you know?

shifting

↓

So why don't you and Mac go solve

solve

↓

that goddamn mystery by cleaning it up, you know?

cleaning goddamn mystery

↓

And, oh, what about the mystery of the clogged soda gun,

clogged mystery soda

↓

you know? Dee, why don't you and Frank go solve

frank solve

↓

that mystery by clearing the lines?

clearing lines mystery

↓

Well, that's not such a mystery.

mystery

↓

And we could probably trick Cricket into doing it.

cricket trick

↓

Oh, why don't we just trick...

trick

↓

Cricket doesn't work here though.

cricket

↓

- But that's free labor. - Yeah, yeah.

free labor

↓

- That's kind of better. - Getting him for free.

free

↓

You're not... you're not getting...

↓

Hey, just do your jobs!

jobs

↓

Just do your jobs.

jobs

↓

Why isn't it getting any smaller?

smaller

↓

Can I be honest, dude? I think this thing's alive.

alive honest

↓

Oh, that must be what all the bubbling's about,

must

↓

'cause it's, like, trying to communicate.

communicate

↓

It definitely feeds. I've found bones in it, man.

bones feeds found

↓

- So it wants to live. - Yeah, dude, I don't know

live wants

↓

what I'm gonna do during the next inspection,

inspection

↓

'cause I can't get rid of this thing.

↓

So Dennis has sent us in here to do the impossible.

dennis impossible sent

↓

Absolutely. Dude, what is going on with him, right?

absolutely

↓

Like, there's got to be something in this whole "do your job" angle.

angle whole

↓

'Cause that doesn't sound like Dennis to me, you know what I mean?

dennis sound

↓

I know, dude. He's acting, like, so weird, especially towards me.

acting especially weird

↓

I think it's because I'm gay and he's, like, totally uncomfortable with it.

uncomfortable

↓

Well, no, 'cause he's known that forever, so it's, you know...

forever known

↓

Well, he may have suspected it before, but there's no way

suspected

↓

he could have known for sure. 'Cause I show no outward signs

known signs

↓

of being gay, and that's just the end of the story, all right?

story

↓

But, look, either way, he's been acting very distant towards me,

acting distant

↓

and I feel like he sent me in here to punish me or something,

punish sent

↓

because, I agree, the whole, like, "do your job" angle

agree angle whole

↓

just seems, like, totally out of the blue, and, like...

blue seems

↓

It's, like, a bullshit thing, right?

bullshit

↓

- Like... - Unless... Oh, my God.

↓

What?

↓

Charlie, he doesn't want us to work at all.

charlie

↓

- He doesn't? - No.

↓

He doesn't want us to mop up the yuck puddle.

puddle yuck

↓

- He wants us to "mop up the yuck puddle." - Oh!

puddle wants yuck

↓

Of emotions.

emotions

↓

What?

↓

- It's a metaphor. - For what?

metaphor

↓

He wants us to talk through our personal issues and be more open

issues open personal wants

↓

with our feelings because it's Valentine's Day.

feelings valentines

↓

Oh! Weird. That doesn't sound like Dennis, but, uh...

dennis sound weird

↓

Go with me here, dude. Valentine's Day is an entire day

entire valentines

↓

dedicated to feelings, something that Dennis doesn't have.

dedicated dennis feelings

↓

Right, that's true.

↓

And so that's why he hates Valentine's Day so much.

hates valentines

↓

But he's entrusted me, because I'm a gay man

↓

and clearly more sensitive than the rest of you,

rest sensitive

↓

- to break down those walls. - Well, no, but okay. All right.

break walls

↓

- All right, cool. Yeah, yeah. - Yes, okay, so I'll share first.

cool share

↓

- Okay. - Okay. I have a huge surprise

huge surprise

↓

for Dennis, but I feel like he's not emotionally available to...

available dennis emotionally emotionally-available

↓

Frank's gonna leave me for Jerry, man.

franks jerry

↓

Oh, uh, I was talking. But, uh,

↓

I guess we'll, um... we'll do your thing first.

↓

You know he's only doing this to get a rise out of you, right?

rise

↓

Oh, that's so Jerry.

jerry

↓

No, not Jerry. Not the worm. Never the worm.

jerry worm

↓

We're talking about Frank, okay?

frank

↓

If you just pretend to like the worm,

pretend worm

↓

then he'll probably just get rid of it.

↓

Oh, shit. You think so?

↓

I know so, buddy.

buddy

↓

- Nice, man. All right. - Yeah. Okay, now back to my thing.

↓

Yeah, that just gave me a great idea. Thanks, Mac.

idea thanks

↓

Charlie, if you just... You're not gonna let me talk?

charlie

↓

So, uh, you're gay, huh?

↓

For pay or for free?

free

↓

Uh, for free, I guess.

free

↓

Chump.

chump

↓

It's taking forever.

forever

↓

- Ugh. - Try sucking on the other end, maybe.

sucking

↓

I'm not sucking on the other end. Get that shit in my mouth?

mouth sucking

↓

No, thanks. And what the hell's going on with Dennis?

dennis hells thanks

↓

Since when does he care how the bar does?

care

↓

I don't know. It doesn't add up.

↓

I can't get a read on him these days. He's just always cranky

cranky days read

↓

and irritated.

irritated

↓

Rage-filled, rape-y.

filled rage rape

↓

It's like, as the years go by, he just gets more and more irrational.

irrational years

↓

Yeah, yeah.

↓

Especially with this whole "work the bar" angle.

angle especially whole

↓

I mean, what is that?

↓

Unless...

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Dennis doesn't want us to work the bar.

dennis

↓

- He doesn't? - No! He wants us to work on ourselves.

wants

↓

What the shit are you talking about?

↓

Just go with me here. It's Valentine's Day, right,

valentines

↓

a day we all used to love and enjoy until we turned

enjoy love turned used

↓

on each other with the hate mail.

hate mail

↓

Dennis wants us to work through our personal issues

dennis issues personal wants

↓

so we can enjoy Valentine's Day again.

enjoy valentines

↓

- I got it. - Yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna go first.

↓

I'm so mad at Charlie, because I made him a valentine,

charlie valentine

↓

and, you know what, he didn't even really...

↓

I gave myself Jerry on purpose.

jerry purpose

↓

Well, I was right in the middle of a sentence, but... what?

middle sentence

↓

I gave myself the tapeworm.

↓

Well, that is the most disgusting thing I've... How,

disgusting

↓

- you're wondering. - No, I don't. No, thanks.

thanks wondering

↓

I bought poop on the dark Web

bought dark poop

↓

and stuffed it up my butt to lose weight.

butt lose lose-weight stuffed weight

↓

Jesus Christ. Uh, that's enough.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Well, it took about four ounces of it.

four

↓

- That's enough! I don't want to know! - With the tip of a teaspoon.

↓

- Okay... Frank! - How else?

frank

↓

Stop answering questions I'm not asking, okay?

answering asking questions

↓

I'm done, I'm done.

↓

I had to hold my knees above my head for a half hour

half half-hour head hour knees

↓

- and clench my sphincter. - Stop! Stop!

clench

↓

Charlie, I'm mad, and I think we need to clear the lines.

charlie clear lines

↓

Huh? Uh, just-just trick somebody else into it.

somebody trick

↓

No, that's not what I'm...

↓

Wh-What are you doing?

↓

I'm trying to write a valentine. I just...

valentine write

↓

Oh. Okay.

↓

Uh, okay. Well, I'll just, uh, let you finish.

finish

↓

- Didn't mean to interrupt. - Okay.

interrupt

↓

I also got you a box of chocolates, so...

chocolates

↓

Right.

↓

Oh, oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait! Dee, Dee, Dee.

↓

- Yeah. - Um, can you think

↓

of a word that rhymes with "Jerry"?

jerry rhymes word

↓

- What? - I can't think of one.

↓

Are you making a valentine for Frank's tapeworm?

franks valentine

↓

Well, not if I can't think of a word that rhymes with "Jerry."

jerry rhymes word

↓

- You son of a bitch. - What?

bitch

↓

- I can't believe you don't know! - I have no idea!

believe idea

↓

Oh, and literally everything rhymes with "Jerry," okay?

jerry rhymes

↓

- Scary, hairy, Mother Mary quite contrary. - Oh, oh, shit, yeah, okay, good.

contrary hairy mary mother scary

↓

Woozy, woozy. Woozy from sucking lines.

lines sucking woozy

↓

Ho.

↓

All right, Frank, Frank, Frank, before you do another thing,

another frank frank-frank frank-frank-frank

↓

- I wanted to give you a valentine. - Unbelievable! Right in front of me?

front unbelievable valentine wanted

↓

- You did? - Yeah-huh.

↓

Well, it's for both of you guys, but these, these are just for Jerry.

jerry

↓

- No. - Charlie. Oh.

charlie

↓

- Oh, that's so sweet. Thank... - You dick.

dick sweet

↓

- You shouldn't have. Mmm. - No! No, he didn't.

↓

Listen to me, I got these for him, all right? So no.

↓

- I got these. - Our blood sugar's low.

blood

↓

Oh, guess what, I bought these for him.

bought

↓

You fool!

fool

↓

- It's so good, Charlie. - Those chocolates

charlie chocolates

↓

that you're so gleefully devouring

↓

are chock-full of Bye-Bye Jerry pills.

chock chock-full full jerry pills

↓

You wouldn't.

↓

Oh, but I would, Frank.

frank

↓

You see, I knew you'd never take the pills willingly.

pills

↓

But Jerry...

jerry

↓

Jerry likes sweet, doesn't he?

jerry likes sweet

↓

You poisoned me.

poisoned

↓

No. No, he poisoned me.

poisoned

↓

At worst, you're properly medicated.

medicated properly worst

↓

You son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

- Charlie. - Bye-bye...

charlie

↓

Jerry!

jerry

↓

I'm poisoned. Poisoned!

poisoned

↓

I'm poisoned.

poisoned

↓

What are you doing?

↓

- We've been poisoned. - No, No.

poisoned

↓

No, no, no, nobody's been poisoned.

nobodys poisoned

↓

- They're just... - And there's plenty more poison

plenty poison

↓

where that came from!

↓

- Uh, there is no... - So, don't even think

↓

about trying to get another worm, Frank.

another frank worm

↓

And there are no-no worms.

worms

↓

- Nobody has worms. - Well, not anymore

anymore nobody worms

↓

they don't.

↓

Don't leave. Please, don't leave.

↓

Guys, what are you doing?

↓

Take this discussion someplace else.

discussion someplace

↓

No, I'm good because I've had a great Valentine's Day.

valentines

↓

Bye-bye, Jerry.

jerry

↓

Are you serious?

serious

↓

You son of a bitch, Charlie.

bitch charlie

↓

You screwed me, okay?

screwed

↓

- What are you talking about? - You know what? Screw you, Charlie!

charlie screw

↓

I'm not gonna let some worm beat me on Valentine's Day.

beat valentines worm

↓

- Don't talk about... - Why are you going on and on about it?

↓

I did this for you, Charlie.

charlie

↓

What?

↓

I gave myself Jerry on purpose.

jerry purpose

↓

Why would you do that?

↓

To slim down for you.

slim

↓

Why would you... why would you slim down for me? What?

slim

↓

Because I overheard you on the phone saying,

overheard phone

↓

"He got flabby."

↓

No, no, no, buddy.

buddy

↓

I never said that.

↓

I sa... I-I-I said you were crabby

↓

because you smelled crabby...

smelled

↓

'cause you've been eating

eating

↓

all those sewer crabs, man, but...

crabs sewer

↓

- Take it outside. - It was a compliment. I love when you

compliment love

↓

smell like crab, Frank.

crab frank smell

↓

Take the conversation someplace else.

conversation someplace

↓

Okay? Don't do it here.

↓

You didn't think I was too fat?

↓

Well, no, you were fat as shit, pal,

↓

but I loved you that way, Frank.

frank loved

↓

Fat and crabby.

↓

So, you want to try and get this

↓

dead worm out of me?

dead worm

↓

I would love to pull that dead worm out of you.

dead love pull worm

↓

Yeah? Come on. Come on, now oh...

↓

Stop, stop! Goddamn it, stop. What are you guys doing?

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- Huh? - What are you talking about?

↓

Getting the worm.

worm

↓

You're gonna talk about pulling a dead worm out of his ass?

dead pulling worm

↓

Don't do that. Please, don't talk about these things.

↓

Now, by the grace of God,

grace

↓

we somehow still have Dottie here

↓

so, please, don't scare her away.

scare

↓

Sorry, Dottie.

↓

- Who's ready to die, bitches? - Dee...

bitches ready

↓

No. What are you doing with the Valentine's box?

valentines

↓

- Put that down. - All right, just think

↓

about what you're doing, Dee.

↓

I know exactly what I'm doing.

↓

Okay, okay, fine. Dee, just don't mention...

mention

↓

- I am busting out the anthrax. - No!

anthrax busting

↓

- And I'm out. - Dottie, no.

↓

No, you don't have to go.

↓

- Oh, God damn it! - Charlie.

charlie

↓

I'm getting a goddamn valentine

goddamn valentine

↓

right goddamn now, or so help me God...

goddamn

↓

I will end us all.

↓

No, don't. Give the bitch what she wants.

bitch wants

↓

I'm so frustrated right now.

frustrated

↓

Okay, fine, Dee. You know what I'm gonna do?

↓

I'm gonna sing you a song.

sing song

↓

Okay? A Valentine's Day song?

song valentines

↓

All right? Is that... will that work?

↓

- Fine. Sing a song. - Okay.

sing song

↓

Uh... a Dee song.

song

↓

- Nothing rhymes with Dee. - Every...

rhymes

↓

Everything rhymes with Dee.

rhymes

↓

I mean, literally, everything rhymes...

rhymes

↓

Okay, fine. I'll-I'll think of things.

↓

Okay, j-j-just relax. Uh, uh...

relax

↓

Dee...

↓

You're sweeter than a bee... tle

sweeter

↓

- Just say bee. - Uh, bee.

↓

Right? I didn't think of that. Uh...

↓

You're the honey that the bee... makes

honey makes

↓

You're the...

↓

Sugar on the pound... carrot

carrot pound sugar

↓

What's a pound carrot?

carrot pound

↓

Go with pound cake.

cake pound

↓

Cake! Right, good. Uh...

cake

↓

You make life sweet, Dee

life sweet

↓

You make

↓

Life sweet for... I

life sweet

↓

A-and I...

↓

Love... you.

love

↓

Thanks, Charlie.

charlie thanks thanks-charlie

↓

You can't rhyme very well, but...

rhyme

↓

That was...

↓

that was really...

↓

Really pathetic.

pathetic

↓

What?

↓

I wrote a couple words on a construction paper,

construction couple paper words wrote

↓

pink and red, and you sing a heart song

heart pink sing song

↓

for me?

↓

You made me do it!

↓

Yeah! And you said you loved me!

loved

↓

- Ew! - You bitch!

bitch

↓

Look, that song was derivative of a song I wrote

song wrote

↓

- for the waitress, anyway, then. - Yeah, but guess what?

waitress

↓

Frank, grab that anthrax!

anthrax frank grab

↓

Grab it! Grab it!

grab

↓

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Stop! Stop! Stop.

↓

What are you... what are you guys doing?

↓

All right, this is nuts! This is crazy!

crazy nuts

↓

I mean, I-I-I can't believe we blew another opportunity

another believe blew opportunity

↓

to have a working bar.

working

↓

To have a successful business together!

business successful

↓

Because you assholes get so worked up over Valentine's Day,

assholes valentines worked

↓

the dumbest holiday that ever existed!

dumbest existed holiday

↓

But I thought you were trying to get us to focus

focus

↓

on ourselves and focus on Valentine's Day.

focus valentines

↓

What?

↓

Are-are you insane?

insane

↓

I... All I've been saying is to please focus on the bar!

focus

↓

But you just couldn't do it!

↓

Dennis, I got to say, I feel like this is

dennis

↓

just about something else.

↓

It's not about something else, it's...

↓

- The bar is fine. - Yup.

↓

- This is... something else is up. - It's always fine, yeah.

↓

You know what it is?

↓

This is 'cause you hate Valentine's Day.

hate hate-valentines valentines

↓

It's not because I hate Valentine's Day.

hate hate-valentines valentines

↓

- It's because I-I just want... - No, that's what it is.

↓

He's trying to distract us from Valentine's Day.

distract valentines

↓

I'm not trying to distract anybody from Valen...

anybody distract

↓

Yeah, you know why, though, you guys?

↓

It's because he doesn't have any feelings and we do.

feelings

↓

Yeah, because we have feelings and you don't,

feelings

↓

and that's why you hate Valentine's Day.

hate hate-valentines valentines

↓

Oh, stop! God damn it!

↓

I hate Valentine's Day because

hate hate-valentines valentines

↓

you assholes never got me anything!

assholes

↓

Okay, and I have feelings!

feelings

↓

Of course I have feelings!

course feelings

↓

I have big feelings, okay?

feelings

↓

A-and it hurts.

hurts

↓

Okay, so...

↓

so... that's why I hate Valentine's Day,

hate hate-valentines valentines

↓

and that's why I put anthrax in the box.

anthrax

↓

That was you?

↓

Yes, it was me.

↓

I just...

↓

I just wanted it to stop.

wanted

↓

Okay? And it's powdered sugar, by the way.

sugar

↓

- Oh, he's already eating it. - I knew that.

eating

↓

Dennis.

dennis

↓

What?

↓

I got the crate.

crate

↓

- So what? - Open it.

open

↓

I'm not gonna open a goddamn crate, Mac!

crate goddamn open

↓

There's nothing in it!

↓

Just open it.

open

↓

You want me to open the crate? I'll open the goddamn crate.

crate goddamn open

↓

If it'll get you to stop focusing on it and get you

focusing itll

↓

to stop focusing on this goddamn

focusing goddamn

↓

Valentine's Day bullshit.

bullshit valentines

↓

I don't know why

↓

you're so excited about this goddamn thing.

excited goddamn

↓

There's never anything insi...

↓

- What is this? - It's a gift. I got it for you.

gift

↓

For me?

↓

Yeah.

↓

You, uh...

↓

You got this for me?

↓

I ordered it off the dark Web.

dark ordered

↓

I wanted it to be a surprise.

surprise wanted

↓

Yeah.

↓

And how did you, um...

↓

How did you know that I wanted an RPG?

wanted

↓

'Cause I know you, man.

↓

Also, you casually mention RPGs, like, a weird amount.

amount casually mention weird

↓

- Is this true? - Yeah.

↓

You were talking about rocket launchers today,

rocket today

↓

- I think, yeah. - That was today.

today

↓

This is, uh...

↓

This is cool.

cool

↓

I still think Valentine's Day is

valentines

↓

a bullshit holiday, but, um...

bullshit holiday

↓

...this is nice.

↓

Want to shoot it?

shoot

↓

Yes.

↓

Where's the rocket?

rocket

↓

Yeah, that should be,

↓

uh... shit, I... there's no rocket.

rocket

↓

- No rocket in there? - There's no rocket?

rocket

↓

Ah, there's no rocket!

rocket

↓

They forgot to put the rocket in there!

forgot rocket

↓

Dude, I'm so sorry!

↓

Mac, I don't care.

care

↓

I love it.

love

↓

You figured out the one thing I wanted more than anything else

figured wanted

↓

in the entire world and you got it for me.

entire entire-world world

↓

And...

↓

...it's perfect.

perfect

↓

Happy Valentine's Day.

happy valentines

↓

Yeah.

↓

Charlie, let's go get this worm out of my ass.

charlie worm

↓

- Let's do it, man. All right. - Okay.