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Home » Rick and Morty » S04E09 — Childrick of Mort

Rick and Morty

Season 4, Episode 9 — Childrick of Mort

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Rick and Morty

Episode title: Childrick of Mort

Air date: May 24, 2020

Director: Kyounghee Lim

Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke

Miracle of life, broh. Whole family in this one, broh.

Source: TMDB

↓

What kind of parents drag their kids away

drag kids parents

↓

for the entire week of spring break?

break entire spring spring-break week

↓

I'm missing Mike Triscuit's drug party.

drug mike missing party

↓

Look at this. He's already watching

watching

↓

"Euphoria" to pregame.

↓

Pregame. Game. Video game.

game video video-game

↓

Yes, yes, drugs and video games. Poor babies.

babies drugs games poor video video-games

↓

What you need is to level up

level

↓

with a bong rip of nature.

bong nature

↓

Trust me, this is good for you.

trust

↓

Can someone just kill me?

kill

↓

Grandpa Rick, you can kill anything.

grandpa kill rick

↓

No, he can't, Summer. We're roughing it.

summer

↓

And that means no sci-fi bull-shit

bull

↓

- Isn't that right, Rick? - Uh-huh.

rick

↓

- Rick, was that a sci-fi phone call? - Shut up, Jerry.

jerry phone rick

↓

Damn it, I didn't think she had this number.

number

↓

Why are you building a Faraday box to block out the signal?

block building signal

↓

Oh, my God, Grandpa's ghosting someone.

grandpas

↓

I'm not ghosting. Hey! Give it back,

↓

- Summer! - "Rick. Please answer me.

answer rick summer

↓

I'm pregnant"?! Oh, my God,

pregnant

↓

Grandpa, you fuck boi.

fuck grandpa

↓

I'm not a fuck boi Summer!

fuck summer

↓

There's no way those kids are mine.

kids

↓

Wow. At least we know why Rick actually came on the trip...

least rick trip

↓

to avoid his fuck-guy problems.

avoid fuck problems

↓

- Why would this person lie? - I don't know, honey.

honey person

↓

She's addicted to what the Rick did.

addicted rick

↓

You know, it's... it's... it's a tale as old

tale

↓

as my huge dynamite penis.

dynamite huge penis

↓

Can we turn the radio on?

radio

↓

I am not letting you abandon those kids

abandon kids letting

↓

- like you abandoned me. - Oh, my God!

abandoned

↓

We're going to see this baby mama right now!

baby mama

↓

What, like, literally now?

↓

Yes, now! That's an order.

order

↓

Aah!

↓

No!

↓

This is exactly what I was talking about!

↓

Rick, I hope you realize the tubing permit

hope permit realize rick

↓

- was non-refundable! - Relax, Jerry,

jerry relax

↓

we'll be in and out in a minute, and then you can get right back

minute

↓

to your dumb vacation

dumb vacation

↓

with a family that doesn't need you.

family

↓

Kind of expected someone to defend me,

defend expected

↓

but, sure, okay.

↓

Hello, Gaia. Hold on.

↓

Let me just adjust my Seismic-to-English translator.

adjust english

↓

Rick. You came.

rick

↓

- W-Where is she? - You're looking at her.

looking

↓

I-I-I-I don't understand.

↓

Isn't it obvious, Morty?

morty obvious

↓

I fuck a planet.

fuck planet

↓

Episode Title: "Childrick of Mort" Aired on: May 24 2020

aired episode mort title

↓

So, what, you just go around

↓

knocking up planets now?

knocking planets

↓

I-I-Is that what you do when I'm at school?

school

↓

I'm a scientist, Morty. I try things.

morty scientist

↓

Sex with a living planet? Big step for mankind.

living mankind planet step

↓

Yeah, we finally broke the deadbeat dad barrier.

broke deadbeat finally

↓

- Ah, where the magic happened. - Gross.

gross happened magic

↓

Hey, uh, Gaia, baby, Big Daddy Rick is here.

baby daddy rick

↓

- What's the problem? - Children.

children problem

↓

Birth cycle. Now.

birth cycle

↓

Okay, gettin' right into it.

gettin

↓

- I am! I am! - Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

- I am! - I am! - I am!

↓

- Dad, do something! Make it stop! - You think I know how to stop this?

↓

I thought she was gonna shit an egg.

↓

Cool vacation, guys.

cool vacation

↓

So happy I got to see the human geyser

happy human

↓

instead of micro-dosing with my friends.

friends micro

↓

More coming. Kids. Need father.

coming father kids

↓

Yeah, um, Baby Quakes, how big is your orbit again?

baby orbit

↓

I mean, not to say you get around, but, um...

↓

Are you kidding me? Look at them!

kidding

↓

They look just like you.

↓

Yeah, and snakes look like dildos, Beth.

beth snakes

↓

- What's your point? - They do?

point

↓

The fact is even if they were mine,

fact

↓

which they're not, the best parent is evolution.

best evolution parent

↓

They'll probably develop harder skin or maybe even webbed arms.

arms develop harder skin

↓

Man, that'd be cool, huh? Flying squirrel people?

cool flying squirrel thatd

↓

Yeah, Dad, that approach worked out great for me.

approach worked

↓

Beth, I know it looks bad, but trust me.

beth trust

↓

This is life in the galaxy, okay?

galaxy life

↓

It's totally normal.

normal

↓

Fine. You won't do something, I will.

↓

Welp, there goes the surprise!

surprise

↓

I was gonna have us jump on the trampoline

jump trampoline

↓

- after we caught our first fish. - I am!

caught fish

↓

- What? You're stupid. - I am!

stupid

↓

- I am! I am! - Beth, that's not gonna help.

beth

↓

Uh, I hate to agree with Rick,

agree hate rick

↓

but shouldn't we just let this be?

↓

We're supposed to be on vacation.

supposed vacation

↓

You're unemployed, Jerry!

jerry unemployed

↓

Every day is a vacation for you.

vacation

↓

- Okay, ouch. - You guys do whatever you want.

ouch

↓

I'm staying here and fixing this.

fixing staying

↓

- I am! - I am! - I am!

↓

Goddamn it, Beth, if you're gonna do it,

beth goddamn goddamn-it

↓

at least do it right.

least

↓

Gaia, baby, gonna need a little raw iron and steam.

baby iron steam

↓

Whatever you need, baby.

baby

↓

- So much for camping. - Nope.

camping nope

↓

We are going camping.

camping

↓

There's trees over there. We're on solid ground.

ground solid trees

↓

- Mom! - Summer, Morty,

morty summer

↓

go camp with your father.

camp father

↓

- Ohh, son of a bitch. - Son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

- I am! - I am! - I am! - I am!

↓

Welp, welcome to lack of abandonment.

lack welcome

↓

Dad, can we please go back

↓

and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?

clay grandpas hang

↓

Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast?

might

↓

Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?

hard nature

↓

Because this sucks ass. Camping is just

camping sucks

↓

being homeless without the change.

change homeless

↓

Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here.

attitude

↓

You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own.

seconds

↓

You're only happy when you're penned in

happy

↓

and drugged up like some kind of chicken or lemur.

chicken drugged

↓

Hey! I told you kids no phones!

kids phones

↓

There's not even any service.

service

↓

Just... Just let us be happy for a minute.

happy minute

↓

You know, maybe if you two stopped whining

stopped whining

↓

and let your old man take the reins,

↓

you might actually learn something.

learn might

↓

Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.

bite tasty treat

↓

Oh, you think this s'more makes you special?

makes smore special

↓

What? Because someone said, "good job,"

↓

to you once when you were 10?

↓

- That's actually really sad, dad. - Let's be real.

real

↓

You've been high-roading us non-stop,

↓

forcing us to do nothing in the middle of fucking]

forcing fucking middle

↓

nowhere because it's the only way

↓

you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it?

field level playing playing-field

↓

Because if you move the bar so low,

↓

you might actually seem like you're worth a fuck

fuck might worth

↓

Huh.

↓

I'm gonna go take a walk.

walk

↓

Jesus Christ. You really need to stop

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

hanging out with Rick.

hanging rick

↓

Okay, so, if we divert the Lawyer Pipeline here,

divert lawyer pipeline

↓

they should avoid the Ethics Tube

avoid ethics tube

↓

and come out spineless enough to do their job.

↓

Right. Wait, why are the athletes

athletes

↓

going through the introvert sector?

sector

↓

Obviously so they can bully the mathematicians

bully obviously

↓

- and give us astronomers. - God, you are such a space nerd.

nerd space

↓

I'm not a nerd. We're raising a society here, Beth.

beth nerd raising society

↓

If we want them to be self-sufficient,

self

↓

they need to get out into space.

space

↓

Birth cycle. Coming.

birth coming cycle

↓

We got you, Gai-Gai! Shoot 'em hard and up the middle!

hard middle shoot

↓

We got an oversupply of teachers

teachers

↓

putting a strain on the literary drive.

drive literary putting strain

↓

Activating playwright converter!

↓

Aah!

↓

Nice work, honey. Okay, the therapists

honey therapists

↓

are getting bored. We need to increase

bored increase

↓

- their supply of incest porn. - 20% wasn't enough?

porn supply

↓

What the hell is that?

↓

The unproductives. Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- How are there so many of them? - Unproductives?

↓

Yeah, deejays, foodies, influencers.

↓

I just re-circulate them through until...

↓

Shit, they blew a hole in the human resources department!

blew department hole human resources

↓

You're fired! I'm putting this in your file! - Downsizing already?

file fired putting

↓

We gotta fix this, Dad.

↓

We can't keep recycling them through.

recycling

↓

I could add an online college workaround.

college online

↓

Or just push them out through a pipe in the back.

pipe push

↓

- Same thing. - Same thing.

↓

These kids may not be mine, but you definitely are.

kids

↓

Look at you. My little steampunk overlord.

overlord

↓

Eeee!

eeee

↓

I don't think he's coming back.

coming

↓

You know, you... you really messed him up, Summer.

messed summer

↓

Yeah, well, he called me a lemur.

called

↓

Let's just go find grandpa.

grandpa

↓

Maybe he can portal us home or something.

home portal

↓

- Should we leave a note? - Dad is fine.

note

↓

He's probably sucking off a tree

sucking tree

↓

and having the time of his life right now.

having life

↓

Guess you don't want to learn how to skip rocks, either.

learn rocks skip

↓

Aah!

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

Whoa! Whoa!

whoa

↓

Aah! Aaaaaah!

↓

Ohh!

↓

Aaaaaah!

↓

Gah!

↓

Ohhhh!

ohhhh

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

Aah!

↓

Aah!

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

Ow! Hey!

↓

Aah!

↓

Aaaaah!

aaaaah

↓

Aaaaaaaah!

↓

Ohh!

↓

Who are you guys?

↓

We are... unproductives.

↓

Ahh, I get it.

↓

Bunch of bull-shit

bull bunch

↓

What is that?

↓

This? This is camping.

camping

↓

Camping? Ooh!

camping

↓

Camping!

camping

↓

Camping! Camping!

camping

↓

♪♪ Well there's a new thing going round ♪♪

round

↓

♪♪ People sleepin' on the ground ♪♪

ground

↓

♪♪ And if it's fun to do then we're not doing it ♪♪

fun

↓

♪♪ And that's called camping ♪♪

called camping

↓

♪♪ Let's go camping ♪♪

camping

↓

♪♪ Do you wanna go camping? ♪♪

camping

↓

♪♪ Can't wait to go camping ♪♪

camping

↓

♪♪ Even if you hate camping ♪♪

camping hate

↓

♪♪ You still gotta go CA-AM-PING ♪♪

ping

↓

♪♪ EEK MOK MO MIR ♪♪

↓

Good work there, TickTock.

ticktock

↓

Keep whittling. Incredible.

incredible

↓

You've almost got smoke over there, Florflock.

smoke

↓

There you go, guys!

↓

Pump those cheeks.

cheeks pump

↓

That's the camping spirit.

camping spirit

↓

What the... Squeeb!

↓

This is not a tent.

tent

↓

It is a new kind of tent,

tent

↓

with special gutters to funnel the rain, and a door.

door funnel gutters rain special

↓

It's a house! No houses!

house houses

↓

No doors! Once you have doors, you have indoors.

doors indoors

↓

Once you have indoors, you won't want to camp anymore.

anymore camp indoors

↓

Then why do they not camp?

camp

↓

Because they're bad.

↓

Bad. Bad. Bad.

↓

Bad! Bad! Bad!

↓

Oh, my God. Maybe Dad was right.

↓

Maybe we have no life skills.

life skills

↓

I've definitely drank more pee than I care to remember.

care drank remember

↓

I'm just gonna sit down.

↓

If I die, don't eat my ass. That'd be weird.

thatd weird

↓

Uh, Summer?

summer

↓

Damn, you think they got infected

infected

↓

by a mind slug or something?

mind slug

↓

Probably drove through a nebula that made them

drove

↓

see their own fears.

fears

↓

Whoa! These controls.

controls whoa

↓

It's just like my video game controllers.

game video video-game

↓

I just wish I could read these symbols.

read wish

↓

This looks just like Tricia's bong.

bong

↓

Morty, I think these tubes might contain

might morty tubes

↓

all of their collective knowledge.

collective knowledge

↓

- Mm! - Well?

↓

I think we got this, bro.

↓

Beth, you wanna do the honors?

beth honors

↓

What? Really? Wow.

↓

Okay. Here we go.

↓

If you told me six days ago I'd be christening

days

↓

a generation ship for my half-rock children,

children generation half rock ship

↓

I would've called you crazy.

called crazy wouldve

↓

But I guess that's the lesson... crazy things happen

crazy happen lesson

↓

when you put in the work. Salud!

salud

↓

Fucking Doopnar! Sing something!

fucking sing

↓

Great toast, Dad.

toast

↓

- Thanks, sweetie. - Damn, listen to those pipes.

pipes sweetie thanks

↓

You sure these kids are yours?

kids

↓

What, you've never heard me sing karaoke?

heard karaoke sing

↓

I'm... I'm pretty good when someone's in my register,

register someones

↓

like the guy that sings "Circle of Life."

circle life sings

↓

Can't remember his name. Dresses up weird.

dresses name remember weird

↓

Look at this. Everyone's happy.

everyones happy

↓

They're about to go into space.

space

↓

I know things haven't always been great with us,

↓

but we do make a pretty good team.

team

↓

Uh, Rick? Can we talk?

rick

↓

Kinda in the middle of a breakthrough with my daughter.

breakthrough daughter kinda middle

↓

Go ahead, Dad. Gaia deserves some time, too.

ahead deserves go-ahead

↓

- They're your kids. - Yes, about that.

kids

↓

Pam! It's good to see you, baby!

baby

↓

Um, Gaia? You know this guy?

↓

Ha! You call her Gaia?

↓

- So lame. - Is that...

lame

↓

- God? - Rick. The kids.

kids rick

↓

I messed up. You're not their father.

father messed

↓

Little ones! Daddy's here!

daddys ones

↓

I'm sending some fog down.

sending

↓

Feel my presence through the fog!

presence

↓

- Ooh! - Beth! What the fuck. Don't touch it!

beth fuck touch

↓

You gotta be kidding me. God is the father?

father kidding

↓

No hard feelings, okay?

feelings hard hard-feelings

↓

We thought they were yours, you know,

↓

because they're so small.

↓

Oh, wow. No hard feelings. Y-You hear that, Beth?

beth feelings hard hard-feelings

↓

Guy swoops in after we raised his whole civilization

civilization raised whole

↓

and tells us he forgives us. What a fucking mooch!

fucking tells

↓

Don't push me, asshole!

asshole push

↓

Rick, I think you should go.

rick

↓

Seriously? You really want this pile of dry ice

pile

↓

- to raise your kids? - Stop acting like you did a good job.

acting kids raise

↓

You made my kids soft and empty inside.

empty kids soft

↓

This city is a monument to nothing!

city monument

↓

Where is their faith?

faith

↓

Reggie is right.

reggie

↓

The children are not ready to leave.

children ready

↓

He can give them more.

↓

I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.

bail

↓

At least this guy is immortal and can stick around.

immortal least stick

↓

Bull-shit They're my kids! We're staying!

bull kids staying

↓

Bad! Bad! Bad!

↓

See? Now, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about.

↓

Jerry! Oh, my God!

jerry

↓

- Is that you? - What the hell are you doing?

↓

- Camping. - Oh, look, Jerry finally found his people.

camping finally finally-found found jerry

↓

All it took was a deep enough drip pan.

deep drip

↓

You labeled these creatures "unproductive,"

creatures

↓

but I have given them more purpose than ever.

given purpose

↓

Oh, yeah? They filing your unemployment forms?

filing forms unemployment

↓

His tongue is sharp, but it cannot whittle.

cannot sharp tongue

↓

The Great Roughing of It is at hand.

hand

↓

You will now join the One Family on its Eternal Getaway.

eternal family join

↓

Or join the embers over which we hold marshmallows

join

↓

at just the right distance.

distance

↓

Six inches! Until it gets golden brown!

brown golden inches

↓

Don't let it start on fire!

fire start

↓

The carbon is bad for you!

carbon

↓

What's happening?

↓

My children, I give you my power.

children power

↓

Use it to take what is yours.

↓

Oh, this mother-fucker Raise the walls!

fucker mother raise walls

↓

Walls can't stop us, Rick. We are chosen.

chosen rick walls

↓

Sha-boom-boom!

boom

↓

Sorry! Sorry!

↓

Just trying to get the hang of this thing.

hang

↓

Nice choice of chosen people, G-diddles.

choice chosen

↓

I guess you'll be playing the "mysterious ways" card

card mysterious playing ways

↓

- on that one. - You wanna go, bro?

↓

- I'll kick your ass myself. - Oh, dude, don't tempt me.

kick

↓

When I'm done with you, you'll need a staff

staff

↓

to un-part your fucking face.

face fucking fucking-face part

↓

Guys. Please. Not in front of the kids.

front kids

↓

Did you for real just try to smite me?

real smite

↓

Siri, triangulate source of power.

power siri source

↓

Got you now, you son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

Sweetie, you handle the hippies.

handle hippies sweetie

↓

I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh.

brand handle

↓

- Kick his ass, Dad! - Bear witness.

bear kick witness

↓

Now you see my true form.

form

↓

The clouds were simply a shape more appealing to Gaia's mind.

appealing clouds mind shape simply

↓

No shit. Any form is more appealing than this.

appealing form

↓

You look like Kid Rock fuck Zeus.

fuck rock zeus

↓

Oh, seriously, you expect me to fight you like this?

expect fight

↓

You're the size of four Empire State Buildings.

buildings empire four size state

↓

Alright, mother-fucker

alright fucker mother

↓

Let's go.

↓

Aaah! Aah!

aaah

↓

Ha-ha! You like that?

↓

- Ohh! - Here comes some pain!

comes pain

↓

Ohh!

↓

Ow!

↓

Ow!

↓

And... that last one should be...

↓

the start button.

button start

↓

Perfect. I guess we're ready.

perfect ready

↓

Let's show Mom and Dad what video games

games video video-games

↓

and partying are all about.

partying

↓

Jesus Christ, was that the wings?

christ jesus jesus-christ wings

↓

This is not like a video game!

game video video-game

↓

- Oh, my God, make it stop! - Make it stop!

↓

How do I make it stop?! I don't know. I'm fucking high!

fucking

↓

Aah!

↓

Oh, God, now I'm high, too!

↓

Jerry, that's enough. Oh, hey, babe.

babe jerry

↓

You like these plagues I'm unleashing on your asses?

asses

↓

No, they're lame. It's not a great sign

lame sign

↓

that your army's on the same side as disease.

disease side

↓

Sorry we aren't modern enough to sort people by value

modern value

↓

and shit the losers through a mean butt tube!

butt losers tube

↓

Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!

admit needed wanting

↓

Says the woman who sold out her family

family sold woman

↓

for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!

approval drunk father ounce

↓

Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy

drinks easy

↓

- to be more powerful than God. - Well, if it's god power

power powerful

↓

that gets you going, light some candles

candles light

↓

and put on the Billy Ocean because Moses is home

billy home moses ocean

↓

and he's ready to burn some bush!

burn bush ready

↓

Sha-boom-boom!

boom

↓

Ohh! Fuck. Ow!

fuck

↓

Alright, alright, stop.

alright

↓

- Come on, bitch! - Look, you win, okay?

bitch

↓

Ju... I don't care about the kids.

care kids

↓

Smite them, raise them to fuck sheep.

fuck raise sheep smite

↓

Just keep the city, okay?

city

↓

My daughter and I built that thing.

built daughter

↓

- It's important to her. - No, bro. I'm a Zeus.

zeus

↓

I can literally do anything.

↓

Think I'm gonna hang around and raise kids?

hang kids raise

↓

The only lesson they need is right here... fear.

fear lesson

↓

And it looks like school's out, bitch.

bitch schools

↓

- I-I think you mean school's in. - What are...

schools

↓

- What are you talking about? - I-If you're teaching fear,

fear teaching

↓

- then choking me... school would be in. - Fine.

choking school

↓

School's in, bitch.

bitch schools

↓

Oh.

↓

What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Ohh! Are we dead? D-Did we die?

dead

↓

I don't ever want to be high again.

↓

I-I got scared straight.

scared straight

↓

Oh, my God, I got scared straight.

scared straight

↓

Fuck. Dad was right.

fuck

↓

We... We think we know everything,

↓

but maybe we're the ones who suck.

ones suck

↓

You kids are my fucking heroes!

fucking heroes kids

↓

You saved Grandpa's life! I fucking love you

fucking fucking-love grandpas life love saved

↓

- so much! - Papa! - Papa!

papa

↓

We played video games and got high! We did wrong!

games played video video-games

↓

- We did wrong! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa

↓

little boopas. Come on, now.

↓

You kids, you did real good here.

kids real

↓

You did good. Getting high

↓

and playing video games is the best,

best games playing video video-games

↓

- I swear to fucking God. - But mom and dad

fucking swear

↓

- are gonna be mad. - No, hey, hey, look, no.

↓

Fuck your mom and dad. Your parents are a bag of dicks.

dicks fuck parents

↓

Getting high and playing video games is the best,

best games playing video video-games

↓

and I will never sell you out, ever.

sell

↓

Now, we got to get out of here before this guy

↓

falls out of the sky. He's generating an ionic cloud

cloud falls

↓

from his own belief system. Holy shit Summer,

belief holy summer system

↓

were you smoking this? You were basically

smoking

↓

inhaling brake fluid. Jesus!

brake fluid jesus

↓

Mm, yeah.

↓

It's over, Beth. Tell your people to lower the gates

beth gates lower

↓

and pack their moisturewicking shirts.

pack shirts

↓

Incoming!

incoming

↓

Jerry!

jerry

↓

Beth! Just hold on!

beth

↓

I'm losing my grip!

grip losing

↓

- Jerry. - Squeeb?

jerry

↓

Use the s'more, Jerry.

jerry smore

↓

Ow! You stabbed my hand!

hand stabbed

↓

Sorry! Sorry!

↓

Should... Should we make love?

love

↓

Jerry, I love you, but I can literally

jerry love

↓

- smell your balls from here. - Oh, wow.

balls smell

↓

Ask God for a flood next time. It'll come with a shower.

flood itll shower

↓

Noted.

noted

↓

Aw, geez, that... that poor guy.

geez poor

↓

Can you maybe not tell Mom and Dad?

↓

Relax, it's just a Zeus. If this was the real God, it...

real relax zeus

↓

it'd be a completely different story.

completely story

↓

Rick! What did you do?!

rick

↓

I mean, gravity did most of it.

gravity

↓

- So, you, technically. - I told you to leave!

technically

↓

Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids.

asked kids raise

↓

Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane,"

heard lane phrase pick

↓

- but... - You killed their father!

father killed

↓

Father or not, he was a lying piece of shit.

father lying piece

↓

I don't care who else stuffed your crust,

care crust stuffed

↓

but I'm the guy that showed up.

showed

↓

But I mean, if you want, I can still power-wash his guts

guts power wash

↓

- off the tower and maybe... - Get oooout!

tower

↓

Okay, yeah, she's pissed.

pissed

↓

I mean, you killed her slam piece, Grandpa.

grandpa killed piece slam

↓

I don't blame her.

blame

↓

See? you put the fire stick to the wood, and, voila!

fire stick wood

↓

- Campfire. - You have known about this the whole time?

campfire known whole

↓

I'm not gonna waste my time building you an ark,

building waste

↓

but if your mom gets clingy, you can use this to get some space.

space

↓

Is that all you want to say to your children before you leave?

children

↓

Oh, yeah, uh, don't ask me for money.

money

↓

I mean, Gaia's not gonna raise those guys

raise

↓

to hunt us down, right?

hunt

↓

Oh, most definitely. I put a tracker on their ship.

ship

↓

I'll blow it up if they come anywhere near me.

blow near

↓

Well, kids, never thought I'd say this, but,

kids

↓

- Summer, you were right. - Wait, what?

summer

↓

I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents,

teach wanted

↓

but really, I just wanted to feel important.

wanted

↓

I guess sometimes teenagers do know

sometimes teenagers

↓

what they're talking about, even if it's mean.

↓

Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight mom?

fight mode

↓

Love is the only power that matters, Morty.

love matters morty power

↓

No, you had actual power, and you did jack shit.

actual jack power

↓

That was a divine staff.

divine staff

↓

You could've cured cancer or raised the dead.

cancer couldve cured dead raised

↓

- Instead you made bugs. - Well, I was impressed, Dad.

bugs impressed

↓

He saved my life, no thanks to you.

life saved thanks

↓

Your kids got high on alien mist

alien kids

↓

and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head.

drove head ship zeus

↓

- Basically murdered him. - Grandpa!

grandpa murdered

↓

- What the hell?! - Come on! What? - You did.

↓

I mean, not to cast the first stone,

cast stone

↓

but, Beth and Jerry, pretty terrible parenting on your part.

beth jerry parenting part

↓

Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array?

summer

↓

She basically smoked "The Ring."

ring smoked

↓

Most pilots die after three days.

days pilots three three-days

↓

And Morty, the fucking moron, he thought

fucking moron morty

↓

the ship worked like a game controller.

controller game ship worked

↓

What in the Disney Channel fuck is that?

channel disney fuck

↓

Maybe help him with homework next time.

homework

↓

He's clearly crying for help.

crying

↓

Sync corrections by srjanapala

corrections sync sync-corrections

↓

Planets Only. Planets Only. Planets Only.

planets

↓

Entire systems of steamy, lush globes

entire steamy systems

↓

and barely habitable celestial objects

barely objects

↓

are drifting through the void just for you.

drifting void

↓

- Planets Only. - Let's terraform.

planets

↓

- Or colonize me as I am. - Planets Only.

planets

↓

Oops, there's a hole in my ozone.

hole oops ozone

↓

I didn't put it there. Did you?

↓

I can't fill it by myself. I'm not smart enough.

fill smart

↓

Young, dumb, and orbiting the sun.

dumb young

↓

The greenhouse is in full effect at Planets Only.

effect full planets

↓

Oh, I want you to split my Pangea into distinct continents.

split

↓

I don't have hydrostatic equilibrium yet.

↓

Is that something you can learn?

learn

↓

You get the idea.

idea

↓

Phew!

phew

↓

I was watching over your shoulder for a full minute.

full minute shoulder watching

↓

So? I was watching because it's funny.

funny watching

↓

It's... It's... They... They... They're planets,

planets

↓

but they're sexy. It's a comedic premise.

comedic premise sexy

↓

- Yeah. - Planets Only.

planets

↓

Planets Only.

planets