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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E04 — Time's Up for the Gang

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 4 — Time's Up for the Gang

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Time's Up for the Gang

Air date: September 26, 2018

Director: Kat Coiro

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Paddy's has been put on a list of bars that are sexually hostile to women, and the gang must attend a sexual harassment seminar to get off the list.

Source: TMDB

↓

Charlie, this is a sexual harassment seminar.

charlie harassment seminar sexual sexual-harassment

↓

There are no "good seats." Where are you going?

seats

↓

I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't happen to, like,

happen

↓

loads of women all the time,

loads women

↓

but I don't harass anybody, so why am I here?

anybody harass

↓

Because some Internet warrior put Paddy's on a list

internet list paddys warrior

↓

of unsafe places for women. And we can't have that, okay?

places unsafe women

↓

- Not in this climate. - Right.

climate

↓

Ugh! You kids and your climates.

kids

↓

Back in the day, I banged all my secretaries.

banged

↓

- Frank. - That's the way you did it.

frank

↓

You hire some girl with no experience,

experience girl hire

↓

you bang her, you promote her.

bang promote

↓

It's a win-win situation for everybody,

everybody situation

↓

except for the wives.

except wives

↓

Frank, modulate your volume, okay? This is serious, okay?

frank serious volume

↓

You guys should be really worried.

worried

↓

I'm not worried about anything, man.

worried

↓

If anyone should be worried about weird shit with women, it's you, bro.

weird women worried

↓

The only reason we're here

reason

↓

is because you DENNIS'd someone, probably,

↓

and she put us on the list. We're only here 'cause of you.

list

↓

- You happy? - Happy?

happy happy-happy

↓

You guys, this isn't about me. I don't know if you noticed,

noticed

↓

but women are on a little bit of a rampage right now

rampage women

↓

and anyone could be taken down at any moment,

moment taken

↓

so, you know, no, I'm not happy right now.

happy

↓

Who could possibly be happy right now?

happy possibly

↓

Hey-o! Who's ready to party?!

party ready

↓

♪ Time's up, time's up, time's up. ♪

times

↓

Hello. I'm Kate.

kate

↓

And I want to begin today by addressing the reason

begin reason today

↓

that we're all here, the so-called

called

↓

Ah, yes. Uh, just a quick question.

question quick quick-question

↓

How many points do we need?

points

↓

I'm sorry, points?

points

↓

Yeah, how many points do we need to score

points score

↓

to get our name taken off the list?

list name taken

↓

Oh. No, there's no points.

points

↓

Everything is graded by points, right?

points

↓

I mean, otherwise, how could the Eagles have won the Super Bowl, right?

bowl eagles otherwise super super-bowl

↓

All you have to do is complete the seminar

complete seminar

↓

and then your bar will have its name removed from the list.

list name removed

↓

- There you go. Simple. - Yeah, but our-our name

name simple

↓

shouldn't even be on that list 'cause, like,

list

↓

we don't really have any history of misbehavior at Paddy's Pub.

history paddys

↓

Well, I'm sure a lot of people here today feel that way,

today

↓

And your dicks in your pants.

dicks pants

↓

Ma'am, that kind of language is inappropriate in a professional setting.

inappropriate language maam professional setting

↓

That's one of the things that you'll learn in the seminar.

learn seminar

↓

Uh, yes? Do you have a question?

question

↓

Statute of limitations.

limitations statute

↓

but since you asked, the federal law is 300 days

asked days federal

↓

from the last act, depending on the state and...

depending state

↓

- Frank! - What?

frank

↓

Hold on a second there.

second

↓

Uh, pardon me, Kate, but, um, aren't some states considering

considering kate pardon states

↓

Some states like, uh, Nevada?

states

↓

Yes, that's right.

↓

Can they do that?

↓

Nevada, huh?

↓

Ah, it's getting warm in here.

warm

↓

You can continue now.

continue

↓

I promise you there will be no further interruptions.

further promise

↓

Right. We're gonna jump right into the group work.

group jump

↓

Half of you are gonna go with me

half

↓

and the rest will be led by my associate Alan.

alan associate rest

↓

Oh! Here comes the boss man.

boss comes

↓

- Finally, a dude. - Yeah.

finally

↓

Yeah, okay, cool. He's in charge.

charge cool

↓

That's, uh, that's gonna be a lot harder for me

harder

↓

I'm gonna make you so proud.

proud

↓

I'm gonna work really hard and get all the points and...

hard points

↓

Well, that's how the Eagles won the Super Bowl.

bowl eagles super super-bowl

↓

I know that's how the Eagles won the... but this isn't the Eagles. Okay?

eagles

↓

- Oh, go Birds, go Birds. - All right, fine, go Birds. Yes.

birds

↓

I know. Go Birds. Get your hand off my knee.

birds hand knee

↓

Look, just sit here and do nothing.

↓

So, in this room

room

↓

we're going to be talking about harassment

harassment

↓

in the workplace.

workplace

↓

I'll just need another volunteer from the group.

another group volunteer

↓

- Oh! Oh! Alan! - Alan! Alan! Alan!

alan

↓

- Uh, so, uh... - Alan! Alan!

alan

↓

Sir, would you mind just jumping in for me?

jumping mind

↓

Thank you.

↓

Um, great. So just read from the script and I'll jump in as and when.

jump read script

↓

"Good morning, boss."

boss morning

↓

"Hello, Johnson. Have that report on my desk by 5:00.

desk johnson report

↓

And stop.

↓

Now, can anyone tell me what the boss did wrong there?

boss

↓

Yeah. He mumbled his lines. I didn't believe a word out of his mouth.

believe lines mouth word

↓

Uh, no, sorry. I mean in the scenario.

scenario

↓

B-But she didn't hear it.

↓

This is just locker room talk between guys.

locker locker-room room

↓

Now, that's actually a common misconception, okay?

common

↓

Lewd comments can be a form of harassment

comments form harassment

↓

even if directed to a third party.

directed party third

↓

- But it's not for her. It's about her. - No, sorry. It's-it's actually,

↓

it's the employee who's talking to the boss

boss employee

↓

that is the one that was offended.

offended

↓

- What? Why? - No, no, no, the employee

employee

↓

- would find it hilarious. - Yeah.

hilarious

↓

I mean, not this guy 'cause the boss sucks at telling jokes.

boss jokes sucks telling

↓

Well, also, we really don't know how funny the joke is yet

funny joke

↓

'cause we haven't seen the girl's boobs. Can we see them?

boobs girls seen

↓

Maybe try a different scenario. Thanks, gents.

gents scenario thanks

↓

Just, uh, uh, take a seat.

seat

↓

- I am the head of security at Paddy's Pub. - He's our doorman.

head paddys security

↓

Great. So, you check IDs. That-that sort of thing.

check

↓

- He should. - Not once has he ever checked an ID.

checked

↓

- It's one aspect of the job. - Yeah, he should.

aspect

↓

Why don't you, why don't you hop up here and we'll do a little

↓

scenario that-that might be a little more familiar to you.

familiar might scenario

↓

- You are very tall. - Yes, I am.

tall

↓

Now, should I take my shirt off for the scenario?

scenario shirt

↓

Because I feel like standing next to you,

standing

↓

but if I were to take my shirt off, they would be intimidated.

intimidated shirt

↓

I'm not in the scenario.

scenario

↓

- We're good. We're good. - Yeah, we're okay.

↓

- We get it. We get it. - That's him doing his gay guy thing.

↓

So, uh, can we also get a female customer?

customer female

↓

- Ooh, yeah. - A volunteer?

volunteer

↓

I will be the young female customer.

customer female young

↓

Young female customer. Great, good. Yes.

customer female young

↓

Okay. Well, um, just, uh, do your job as you would normally

normally

↓

and I will, um, you know, jump in if you cross over into any gray areas.

areas cross gray jump

↓

Okay. So what's my character?

character

↓

Uh, you're just trying to get into the bar.

↓

Yeah, but why?

↓

To get a drink, I suppose.

drink suppose

↓

Why? I just drank three beers on the way over.

beers drank three three-beers

↓

You don't show up at a bar sober.

sober

↓

What a waste of money. What are you gonna...

money waste

↓

Just you're trying to get into the bar.

↓

- I'm here for revenge. - Okay. Sure.

revenge

↓

Alan, what's my character again?

alan character

↓

- You're the doorman. - Right.

↓

And how many drinks have I had at this point?

drinks point

↓

You are... you're not in the scenario.

scenario

↓

- I've had five. - Okay. Marvelous.

five marvelous

↓

Let's, uh, let's begin whenever you're ready.

begin ready

↓

Excuse me, sir, have you...

excuse

↓

I got your cargo!

cargo

↓

- Whoa! - Wow.

whoa

↓

Jesus Christ.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Why did you do that?

↓

Oh, well, well, she came at me,

↓

- and it was sort of my instinct. - That was amazing.

amazing instinct

↓

- That was great, right? - You got me, like, a foot off the ground.

foot ground

↓

- A-Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. No, it doesn't hurt.

hurt

↓

Did it-did it make you feel humiliated?

humiliated

↓

Did it make you-make you feel small?

↓

That's what it is, it made me feel teeny-tiny.

teeny teeny-tiny tiny

↓

- Like Thumbelina. - That's what I was going for. Thumbelina!

↓

That's the highest I've ever gotten.

gotten highest

↓

He's never gotten me that high before.

gotten

↓

You're lucky I haven't called the police.

called lucky police

↓

Why-why would you call the police?

police

↓

Oh, wait. H-Hold on. Is that sexual harassment?

harassment sexual sexual-harassment

↓

No, that is sexual assault.

assault sexual sexual-assault

↓

- Really? - Assault?

assault

↓

No. Dee, Dee. I did not assault you.

assault

↓

Please tell Alan that I did not assault you.

alan assault

↓

Well, now that I've gotten a little distance from the event...

distance event gotten

↓

Wha... No, Alan, we do this kind of stuff all the time.

alan stuff

↓

W... Charlie, would you tell him?

charlie

↓

- He's gone. - If you do this all the time,

gone

↓

you-you've got a big problem, all right? She could press charges.

charges press problem

↓

- Could I? - No.

↓

No! Dee. No.

↓

- He just said I could, so... - Oh, God.

↓

It just, i-it... did somebody turn up the heat?

heat somebody

↓

Yeah, you sweating? You sweating a little bit, Ronald?

ronald sweating

↓

- Yeah? - No, it's just the climate is...

climate

↓

But the term "sexual harassment"

harassment sexual sexual-harassment term

↓

wasn't coined until 1975,

↓

- by a woman named Carmita Wood. - Carmita Wood. Oh. I'm sorry.

named woman woman-named wood

↓

- Sorry. - You really know your history.

history

↓

- Well, this is important stuff. - Oh, please.

stuff

↓

- God, get lost, Dee. - No way, I'm on a roll.

lost roll

↓

So who could tell me... Hey.

↓

Is it sexual harassment when a man

harassment sexual sexual-harassment

↓

constantly calls his female coworker a bird?

bird calls constantly coworker female

↓

That depends. Is that a sexual innuendo of some kind?

depends innuendo sexual sexual-innuendo

↓

Just a big dumb flightless bird.

bird dumb flightless

↓

Well, it's not very nice, but it's not sexual harassment.

harassment sexual sexual-harassment

↓

Nice try, you dumb bitch.

bitch dumb dumb-bitch

↓

Um, Kate, if I may, yeah.

kate

↓

Um, federal law really only recognizes

federal recognizes

↓

two types of sexual harassment:

harassment sexual sexual-harassment types

↓

quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

environment hostile

↓

That is very good, Dennis.

dennis

↓

- Thank you. - No, no, don't do that.

↓

This man is a monster. Believe you me.

believe monster

↓

- What? - He is the worst person I know.

person worst worst-person

↓

You got to protect me on this, Larry.

larry protect

↓

I... Start with the secretaries.

start

↓

Oh, Jesus Christ, Frank. Pants.

christ christ-frank frank jesus jesus-christ jesus-christ-frank pants

↓

I was sweating through my clothes.

clothes sweating

↓

It's this damn climate.

climate

↓

Sir, that robe is inappropriate.

inappropriate robe

↓

- And I don't think... - Hon, I'm on the phone, you see?

phone

↓

I don't know. I bought her a Camaro. No,

bought

↓

you know I don't go Chinese.

chinese

↓

I don't know why, I just don't.

↓

Korean?

korean

↓

Oh, put her on the list. I really did a number on her.

list number

↓

Yeah...

↓

Why don't we take a break?

break

↓

Got to get your shit together, Frank.

frank

↓

- You... - Oh, I wish I was dead.

dead wish

↓

These vultures are picking my carcass clean.

carcass clean picking vultures

↓

Whoa, Frank. Hey, stop talking.

frank whoa whoa-frank

↓

- Where'd you get that robe? - Upstairs.

robe upstairs whered

↓

I got to get one of them, man. Nice.

↓

Whoa. Wait, Jesus, Mac. What the hell happened to you?

happened jesus whoa

↓

I'm gonna be honest. The first half has not gone well.

gone half honest

↓

- You got exposed, too? - Oh, yeah, he did. Big time.

exposed

↓

He did a role-play thing, it went bad.

role

↓

Wait, role-playing thing? Y-You were supposed to do nothing.

playing role role-playing supposed

↓

I mean, n-now you're all sweaty and twitchy?

sweaty

↓

Well, it's-it's so hot in here.

↓

I mean, I feel like they crank up the heat.

crank heat

↓

Oh, they cranked it up. I'm roasting.

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which one of you just grabbed my ass?

grabbed whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Did you see that? Did you see...

↓

Th-That is a problem for us.

problem

↓

Their powers are growing. Okay?

growing powers

↓

Now, we got to start taking this more seriously, okay?

start

↓

Can you guys just go back in there and do nothing, okay?

↓

Just don't say or do anything.

↓

Can anyone tell me

↓

the two types of sexual harassment?

harassment sexual sexual-harassment types

↓

Oh. Oh, oh. Uh, uh, flirting and groping.

flirting groping

↓

No! Uh, groping and-and dick pics.

dick groping pics

↓

Yeah, I-I know that sending dick pics is one of them.

dick pics sending

↓

You're kidding. Christ.

christ kidding

↓

- I got to shoot some texts. - Actually,

shoot texts

↓

it's quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

environment hostile

↓

Would you please stop interrupting me? Because...

interrupting

↓

- Ooh, ooh, burn. - And you.

burn

↓

Could you please sit down?

↓

- No, it's cool. I'm on your side. - There are no sides.

cool side sides

↓

Shit, I just looked at her tits.

looked tits

↓

- Frank! Don't tell her that. - Okay, don't panic.

frank panic

↓

A passing glance is not sexual harassment.

glance harassment passing sexual sexual-harassment

↓

Oh. I like your tactic here. Get them all horny with your titties.

horny tactic titties

↓

That's when they make their mistakes.

mistakes

↓

Ma'am, that's victim blaming.

blaming maam victim

↓

No, I'm blaming Frank. He's been staring at your boobs

blaming boobs frank staring

↓

this whole time. Still doing it.

whole

↓

Frank!

frank

↓

What? I'm not allowed to like things anymore?

allowed anymore

↓

- It's a compliment. - How is that a compliment?

compliment

↓

Well, they're not that great.

↓

Make her feel good.

↓

- Hey, hey, hey. Don't let them get to you. - Okay...

↓

Okay? Your tits are fine.

tits

↓

Okay, everybody,

everybody

↓

if, uh, you could take a seat, please.

seat

↓

So, now what we're gonna do is, uh,

↓

imagine a-a hypothetical scenario,

hypothetical imagine scenario

↓

uh, based right here in Philadelphia.

based philadelphia

↓

So, uh, imagine a-a woman, we'll call her "the waitress,"

imagine waitress woman

↓

who works at a local coffee shop.

coffee coffee-shop local shop works

↓

Now, i-in this particular instance, this waitress

instance particular waitress

↓

is being harassed by one of her customers.

customers harassed

↓

He's following her home from work, uh,

following home

↓

digging through her trash and calling her repeatedly,

calling digging repeatedly trash

↓

until she complains to her boss about it.

boss

↓

Now, the boss does nothing.

boss

↓

Can anyone tell me who's legally at fault here?

fault legally

↓

- Ooh. Wow, what do you think, Charlie? - Yeah.

charlie

↓

I-I think the waitress is.

waitress

↓

Y-You know, 'cause, for... She doesn't realize

realize

↓

that, like, true love is in front of her stupid face.

face front love stupid

↓

- Well... - Why would she say that's an assault?

assault

↓

Hold on a second. Now, this is just a-this is just

second

↓

a hypothetical, uh, scenario that he's painting.

hypothetical painting scenario

↓

He's not getting the whole big picture, right?

picture whole

↓

- Well, of course, it's a hypothetical. - I know, but maybe

course hypothetical

↓

she, like, only thought, like,

↓

she wasn't into him, but then, like,

↓

15 years later, when she needed a baby, like,

baby needed years

↓

really bad, and she'd been in and out of, like,

shed

↓

- a women's shelter, he banged her. - Sorry.

banged shelter womens

↓

That-that doesn't mean that the customer didn't harass.

customer harass

↓

All right, well then, I think all of the customers' friends

customers friends

↓

harassed her, too, because they all banged her.

banged harassed

↓

- I mean, he did. - That's true.

↓

Oh, well, don't bring me into th...

bring

↓

This is a hypothetical scenario. I'm not involved.

hypothetical involved scenario

↓

- Neither are you. - She also did hand stuff to Mac.

hand hand-stuff stuff

↓

She did. I-It wasn't very good, though.

↓

All right, look, are you trying to tell me that no matter what,

matter

↓

it's always just gonna be the customer's fault?

customers fault

↓

It is, in fact, the boss's fault.

bosss fact fault

↓

The boss.

boss

↓

Well, that makes sense. I always hated Seth.

hated makes makes-sense sense seth

↓

- He's a real creep. - Well, you don't know his name

creep name real

↓

because this is hypothetical, and he didn't say t-that...

hypothetical

↓

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, 'cause she just said

matter

↓

what I-what I did to her wasn't harassment

harassment

↓

because Seth did it to her.

seth

↓

Sorry. I... Can I just make this very clear, okay?

clear

↓

What the customer did was harassment.

customer harassment

↓

- Right. - Yes. If it were you.

↓

And so, take in the information, but don't take it personally.

information personally

↓

Uh, yeah, technically, don't, like, I get, like, a free pass

free pass technically

↓

and stuff? 'Cause I mean, I was molested.

molested stuff

↓

Ah... W-Well, now, actually, that is true.

↓

He did get molested by his Uncle Jack.

jack molested uncle uncle-jack

↓

His-his Uncle Jack got to him pretty good.

jack uncle uncle-jack

↓

- No, Uncle Jack never molested me. - Oh.

jack molested uncle uncle-jack

↓

- I dodged him. - Oh, no, he got you. He got you.

dodged

↓

- He got you big time. - You weren't there.

↓

- You wrote a whole play about it. - Yeah, you did write a play.

whole write wrote

↓

- I got molested by Dee. - What?!

molested

↓

What? Oh, c... That's ludicrous.

ludicrous

↓

No, it's true. Like, a couple years ago,

couple couple-years years

↓

she banged me, and I didn't want to do it.

banged

↓

- There you go. - Wait, wait. You had sex with Charlie?

charlie

↓

- Oh, God. - You had sex with Dee?

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

↓

We, okay, it was a mistake.

mistake

↓

- Yeah, I'll say. - I-It... I re-I regret every second of it,

regret second

↓

- but it was consensual. - It was not!

consensual

↓

I totally wanted her to stop, and, like,

wanted

↓

I was very intimidated by her larger frame.

frame intimidated larger

↓

- Oh, yeah, I can see that. Yeah. - So, you know.

↓

I have a petite frame. I... I-It's a Thumbelina frame.

frame

↓

- I don't... Not to me. - Y-You didn't tell me to stop.

↓

Yeah, and I kept saying...

↓

And you're like, "Shut up! Stop talking! Be still.

↓

"Let me do my thing. I can't, I can't get off

↓

with you moving and talking and shit."

moving

↓

Oh, shit. Yup. That's ringing a bell.

bell ringing

↓

Jesus, Dee. Ugh, God.

jesus

↓

All right, but, yeah...

↓

Either way, It does... I can't molest you, you know?

molest

↓

It doesn't work that way, 'cause I'm a woman and you're the man.

woman

↓

Right, right? Back me up, girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

Actually, a woman can sexually harass and even rape a man.

harass rape sexually woman

↓

Is that what happened here?

happened

↓

Gosh, I mean, maybe.

gosh

↓

No, no, no, no. You don't, you don't just throw around

throw

↓

the-the "R" word, Kate. It's hot, right?

kate word

↓

Yello?

yello

↓

What? Wha... Well, find her through the abortion records.

abortion records

↓

Can the group from Paddy's Pub please focus up.

focus group paddys

↓

You guys have been very disruptive.

↓

Well, maybe you should explain it more better,

explain

↓

because I'm totally confused about...

confused

↓

Maybe if you stopped interrupting.

interrupting stopped

↓

Maybe if you two stopped sucking a fat dick.

dick stopped sucking

↓

You do suck a fat dick.

dick suck

↓

You've sucked a dick through this process.

dick process sucked

↓

What? Are you kidding me? After all of this,

kidding

↓

I ended up firing her?

ended firing

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Hey, Larry? How soon can you get to the Hyatt?

larry

↓

My dong fell out. Some woman saw it.

dong fell woman

↓

Well, goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

All right, calm down, calm down.

calm

↓

It's o... Everybody take it easy, everybody take a deep breath.

breath deep deep-breath easy everybody

↓

You know, we're gonna get through this, I-I think.

↓

Look, Kate, uh, you two are clearly

kate

↓

a little in over your heads, here.

heads

↓

Right? Yeah. You're never gonna be able to rein in

able

↓

this particular group, so I tell you what--

group particular

↓

I have some experience running, uh,

experience running

↓

little educational seminars like this,

educational seminars

↓

so why don't I take over for a little bit?

↓

You guys, scoot. All right? On your bikes.

bikes scoot

↓

Here's a statistic for you:

↓

100% of men are capable of being sexual harassers.

capable sexual

↓

And 100% of women

women

↓

are capable of being sexually harassed.

capable harassed sexually

↓

Now, am I saying that all men

↓

are sexual harassers? No, no, no, no. No, no.

sexual

↓

Of course not. No. Absolutely not. No.

absolutely course

↓

Yes, some men are, uh, well,

↓

they're-they're sexual harassers,

sexual

↓

but they don't represent all men, you know,

represent

↓

just like all women aren't represented

represented women

↓

by a few bad ones, you know? Women like, uh...

ones women

↓

You know, and of course...

course

↓

And then we got...

↓

Point is,

point

↓

that gender really doesn't have anything to do with it.

gender

↓

There's really only one thing that determines

↓

whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment,

accused harassment person sexual sexual-harassment whether

↓

and that is...

↓

ugliness.

ugliness

↓

Let me explain.

explain

↓

Now, see, here's a, here's a graph of ugliness

graph ugliness

↓

as it relates to time.

↓

Now, you see how the, how the arrow plunges

arrow

↓

pretty steeply downward as your ugliness increases.

downward increases ugliness

↓

Now, I want you to imagine a scenario for me.

imagine scenario

↓

This man walks into work one day,

walks

↓

sees a woman, and says, "I like your dress."

dress sees woman

↓

Oh. Mildly sexual, but innocuous enough, yeah.

innocuous mildly sexual

↓

Now imagine the same sentence spoken by this man.

imagine sentence spoken

↓

Yeah.

↓

Suddenly, you're very uncomfortable.

suddenly uncomfortable

↓

We're all uncomfortable just looking at him now.

looking uncomfortable

↓

Because he's gross, he's ugly, he's a little bit of a monster.

gross monster ugly

↓

Now, is it this man's fault that he looks this way?

fault mans

↓

No. He was, he was born this way, but the point is,

born point

↓

I know it's not my fault, you know? Is it your fault? I don't think so.

fault

↓

It's certainly not the woman's fault, you know?

certainly fault womans

↓

Point is, know your place, monster man. Your time's up.

monster place point times

↓

Now, I know what you're thinking.

thinking

↓

You're thinking, "How do I know if I'm ugly?

thinking ugly

↓

Well, if you're not sure,

↓

probably best to assume that you are.

assume best

↓

Everyone in this room is. I-I did a scan.

room scan

↓

Now here's the part where you say,

part

↓

"But, Dennis, I can't be ugly,

dennis ugly

↓

I'm rich."

rich

↓

And, yes, money can offset and reduce ugliness,

money reduce ugliness

↓

but it actually increases your risk.

increases risk

↓

You see, a construction worker, he can can catcall women

construction construction-worker women worker

↓

all day long, right? And he gets away with it

↓

'cause nobody gives a shit, but a rich guy...

gives nobody nobody-gives rich

↓

A rich guy's fun to take down.

fun rich

↓

Time's up.

times

↓

"But, Dennis," you're saying,

dennis

↓

"I can't be ugly, and-and it doesn't matter,

matter ugly

↓

because I'm gay."

↓

Well, guess what, pal?

↓

You-you are ugly,

ugly

↓

and it doesn't matter how much you work out.

matter

↓

It's never gonna change that fact.

change fact

↓

You've also objectified tons of men, including me.

including tons

↓

You know, you got to stop kissing me, man.

kissing

↓

I don't want it. I don't want you touching me at all.

touching

↓

Okay, it's never gonna happen. All right?

happen

↓

Not willingly. Your time's up.

times

↓

"But Dennis, I can't be ugly. I'm a hopeless romantic."

dennis hopeless romantic ugly

↓

But no, you're-you're not.

↓

Okay, you're-you're a sad, pathetic wretch of a man,

pathetic

↓

so desperate to be loved

desperate loved

↓

that you'll actually go rifling through somebody's garbage.

garbage somebodys

↓

And there's nothing--

↓

nothing-- more unattractive than desperation.

desperation unattractive

↓

Yeah, so you te... No, not him.

↓

No, talking about you. No.

↓

Not him, either. Yeah, I am talking

↓

about y... You know what, never mind. Your time's up.

mind times

↓

"But Dennis...

dennis

↓

"I-I... See, I can't be ugly, right?

ugly

↓

I'm a woman."

woman

↓

Well, no, women can be ugly,

ugly women

↓

and you are one of them.

↓

One of the ugly ones. You're lanky, and your hair's--

hairs ones ugly

↓

well, it looks like a wig. Yeah. What's going on?

↓

Is it a wig? Doesn't matter. Your time's up.

matter times

↓

But guys,

↓

I got some good news for you.

news

↓

Okay? It's not a crime to be ugly.

crime ugly

↓

But you can't be ugly

ugly

↓

and sloppy.

sloppy

↓

So, take me, for example.

example

↓

I'm neither. Yeah, you see that?

↓

That is 11% body fat. Now, the only place you're gonna...

body place

↓

- What year was that photo taken? - No, no, no.

photo taken

↓

Not taking questions right now, Mac. So just... Yeah.

questions

↓

Point is, I keep my body tight.

body point tight

↓

But I also keep my life tight.

life tight

↓

I got the tapes. I got the receipts.

receipts tapes

↓

They're all time-stamped and coded.

↓

After every encounter, I received a text

encounter received text

↓

confirming each partner's consent and enjoyment.

confirming consent enjoyment partners

↓

Now, you may ask, "Well...

↓

would a woman really-really text that, Dennis?"

dennis text woman

↓

Their phones did.

phones

↓

I got the documents to prove it, so don't try coming at me.

coming documents prove

↓

But some of you--

↓

you just haven't been careful enough.

careful

↓

So you're asking yourself, "What can I do to save myself now?"

asking save

↓

You got to clean up your act. Otherwise, you're going down,

clean otherwise

↓

and you're gonna take me down with you,

↓

and I ain't going down.

aint

↓

You understand? I've been telling you this for years,

telling years

↓

but you refused to listen.

refused

↓

And so that's why I had to find a way to make you listen,

↓

which is why I created the Shitty Bar List.

created list shitty

↓

What?

↓

That's right.

↓

I made the spreadsheet, I posted it online,

online posted

↓

and I even hired these two bozos to host the seminar.

bozos hired host seminar

↓

Wait, you hired us?

hired

↓

You're a monster.

monster

↓

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

prove

↓

Oh, wow! I feel like we should clap.

clap

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

↓

- That was pretty good. - That was awesome.

awesome

↓

Yeah. I'm gonna be honest, I didn't follow most of it,

follow honest

↓

- but so cool, man. - Yeah.

cool

↓

Pretty drastic move to publicly expose us,

drastic expose publicly

↓

but I see why you did it.

↓

Yeah, but it's true. I mean, women are out to get us.

women

↓

Well, well, no, no. Women are right.

women

↓

I mean, men are monsters. We're constantly harassing them.

constantly harassing monsters

↓

I'm just saying we need to be more careful

careful

↓

so we don't get accused.

accused

↓

And we should probably stop harassing them.

harassing

↓

Uh, well, you know, I don't know. One step at a time.

step

↓

We don't want the whole system to collapse,

collapse system whole whole-system

↓

- you know what I mean? - Ease-ease into it.

ease

↓

- It'd be chaotic. Yeah, yeah. - Ease into it.

ease

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah, yeah. You guys want to go grab some margaritas by the pool?

grab margaritas pool

↓

- I do. - Booze.

booze

↓

- I'm ready for some booze. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

booze ready

↓

- Let's go. - Yeah.

↓

Me, too. Oh!

↓

- Oh, "MeToo." - Very good.

↓

- That's great. - Very good, and for a woman, a good joke.

joke woman

↓

Hey, you guys think that Alan guy's got a big dick?

alan dick

↓

- Oh, yeah. - Huge.

huge

↓

I saw it in the bathroom. I sought it out.

bathroom

↓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

access access-group captioned group media media-access media-access-group wgbh