Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E04 — Time's Up for the Gang

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 4 — Time's Up for the Gang

Charlie, this is a sexual harassment seminar.

#3

⇓

There are no "good seats." Where are you going?

#4

⇓

I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't happen to, like,

#6

⇓

loads of women all the time,

#7

⇓

but I don't harass anybody, so why am I here?

#8

⇓

Because some Internet warrior put Paddy's on a list

#9

⇓

of unsafe places for women. And we can't have that, okay?

#10

⇓

- Not in this climate. - Right.

#11

⇓

Ugh! You kids and your climates.

#12

⇓

Back in the day, I banged all my secretaries.

#13

⇓

- Frank. - That's the way you did it.

#14

⇓

You hire some girl with no experience,

#15

⇓

you bang her, you promote her.

#16

⇓

It's a win-win situation for everybody,

#17

⇓

except for the wives.

#18

⇓

Frank, modulate your volume, okay? This is serious, okay?

#19

⇓

You guys should be really worried.

#21

⇓

I'm not worried about anything, man.

#22

⇓

If anyone should be worried about weird shit with women, it's you, bro.

#23

⇓

The only reason we're here

#24

⇓

is because you DENNIS'd someone, probably,

#25

⇓

and she put us on the list. We're only here 'cause of you.

#26

⇓

- You happy? - Happy?

#28

⇓

You guys, this isn't about me. I don't know if you noticed,

#29

⇓

but women are on a little bit of a rampage right now

#30

⇓

and anyone could be taken down at any moment,

#31

⇓

so, you know, no, I'm not happy right now.

#32

⇓

Who could possibly be happy right now?

#33

⇓

Hey-o! Who's ready to party?!

#34

⇓

♪ Time's up, time's up, time's up. ♪

#36

⇓

Hello. I'm Kate.

#37

⇓

And I want to begin today by addressing the reason

#38

⇓

that we're all here, the so-called

#39

⇓

Ah, yes. Uh, just a quick question.

#41

⇓

How many points do we need?

#42

⇓

I'm sorry, points?

#43

⇓

Yeah, how many points do we need to score

#44

⇓

to get our name taken off the list?

#45

⇓

Oh. No, there's no points.

#46

⇓

Everything is graded by points, right?

#47

⇓

I mean, otherwise, how could the Eagles have won the Super Bowl, right?

#48

⇓

All you have to do is complete the seminar

#49

⇓

and then your bar will have its name removed from the list.

#50

⇓

- There you go. Simple. - Yeah, but our-our name

#51

⇓

shouldn't even be on that list 'cause, like,

#52

⇓

we don't really have any history of misbehavior at Paddy's Pub.

#53

⇓

Well, I'm sure a lot of people here today feel that way,

#54

⇓

And your dicks in your pants.

#56

⇓

Ma'am, that kind of language is inappropriate in a professional setting.

#57

⇓

That's one of the things that you'll learn in the seminar.

#58

⇓

Uh, yes? Do you have a question?

#59

⇓

Statute of limitations.

#60

⇓

but since you asked, the federal law is 300 days

#62

⇓

from the last act, depending on the state and...

#63

⇓

- Frank! - What?

#65

⇓

Hold on a second there.

#67

⇓

Uh, pardon me, Kate, but, um, aren't some states considering

#68

⇓

Some states like, uh, Nevada?

#70

⇓

Yes, that's right.

#71

⇓

Can they do that?

#72

⇓

Nevada, huh?

#74

⇓

Ah, it's getting warm in here.

#75

⇓

You can continue now.

#77

⇓

I promise you there will be no further interruptions.

#78

⇓

Right. We're gonna jump right into the group work.

#79

⇓

Half of you are gonna go with me

#80

⇓

and the rest will be led by my associate Alan.

#81

⇓

Oh! Here comes the boss man.

#83

⇓

- Finally, a dude. - Yeah.

#84

⇓

Yeah, okay, cool. He's in charge.

#85

⇓

That's, uh, that's gonna be a lot harder for me

#88

⇓

I'm gonna make you so proud.

#90

⇓

I'm gonna work really hard and get all the points and...

#91

⇓

Well, that's how the Eagles won the Super Bowl.

#93

⇓

I know that's how the Eagles won the... but this isn't the Eagles. Okay?

#94

⇓

- Oh, go Birds, go Birds. - All right, fine, go Birds. Yes.

#96

⇓

I know. Go Birds. Get your hand off my knee.

#97

⇓

Look, just sit here and do nothing.

#98

⇓

So, in this room

#99

⇓

we're going to be talking about harassment

#100

⇓

in the workplace.

#101

⇓

I'll just need another volunteer from the group.

#103

⇓

- Oh! Oh! Alan! - Alan! Alan! Alan!

#104

⇓

- Uh, so, uh... - Alan! Alan!

#105

⇓

Sir, would you mind just jumping in for me?

#106

⇓

Thank you.

#107

⇓

Um, great. So just read from the script and I'll jump in as and when.

#108

⇓

"Good morning, boss."

#109

⇓

"Hello, Johnson. Have that report on my desk by 5:00.

#110

⇓

And stop.

#112

⇓

Now, can anyone tell me what the boss did wrong there?

#113

⇓

Yeah. He mumbled his lines. I didn't believe a word out of his mouth.

#114

⇓

Uh, no, sorry. I mean in the scenario.

#115

⇓

B-But she didn't hear it.

#117

⇓

This is just locker room talk between guys.

#118

⇓

Now, that's actually a common misconception, okay?

#119

⇓

Lewd comments can be a form of harassment

#120

⇓

even if directed to a third party.

#121

⇓

- But it's not for her. It's about her. - No, sorry. It's-it's actually,

#122

⇓

it's the employee who's talking to the boss

#123

⇓

that is the one that was offended.

#124

⇓

- What? Why? - No, no, no, the employee

#125

⇓

- would find it hilarious. - Yeah.

#126

⇓

I mean, not this guy 'cause the boss sucks at telling jokes.

#127

⇓

Well, also, we really don't know how funny the joke is yet

#129

⇓

'cause we haven't seen the girl's boobs. Can we see them?

#130

⇓

Maybe try a different scenario. Thanks, gents.

#132

⇓

Just, uh, uh, take a seat.

#133

⇓

- I am the head of security at Paddy's Pub. - He's our doorman.

#135

⇓

Great. So, you check IDs. That-that sort of thing.

#137

⇓

- He should. - Not once has he ever checked an ID.

#138

⇓

- It's one aspect of the job. - Yeah, he should.

#139

⇓

Why don't you, why don't you hop up here and we'll do a little

#140

⇓

scenario that-that might be a little more familiar to you.

#141

⇓

- You are very tall. - Yes, I am.

#142

⇓

Now, should I take my shirt off for the scenario?

#143

⇓

Because I feel like standing next to you,

#144

⇓

but if I were to take my shirt off, they would be intimidated.

#146

⇓

I'm not in the scenario.

#147

⇓

- We're good. We're good. - Yeah, we're okay.

#148

⇓

- We get it. We get it. - That's him doing his gay guy thing.

#149

⇓

So, uh, can we also get a female customer?

#150

⇓

- Ooh, yeah. - A volunteer?

#151

⇓

I will be the young female customer.

#152

⇓

Young female customer. Great, good. Yes.

#153

⇓

Okay. Well, um, just, uh, do your job as you would normally

#154

⇓

and I will, um, you know, jump in if you cross over into any gray areas.

#155

⇓

Okay. So what's my character?

#156

⇓

Uh, you're just trying to get into the bar.

#157

⇓

Yeah, but why?

#158

⇓

To get a drink, I suppose.

#159

⇓

Why? I just drank three beers on the way over.

#160

⇓

You don't show up at a bar sober.

#161

⇓

What a waste of money. What are you gonna...

#162

⇓

Just you're trying to get into the bar.

#163

⇓

- I'm here for revenge. - Okay. Sure.

#164

⇓

Alan, what's my character again?

#165

⇓

- You're the doorman. - Right.

#166

⇓

And how many drinks have I had at this point?

#167

⇓

You are... you're not in the scenario.

#168

⇓

- I've had five. - Okay. Marvelous.

#169

⇓

Let's, uh, let's begin whenever you're ready.

#170

⇓

Excuse me, sir, have you...

#171

⇓

I got your cargo!

#172

⇓

- Whoa! - Wow.

#173

⇓

Jesus Christ.

#174

⇓

Why did you do that?

#175

⇓

Oh, well, well, she came at me,

#176

⇓

- and it was sort of my instinct. - That was amazing.

#177

⇓

- That was great, right? - You got me, like, a foot off the ground.

#178

⇓

- A-Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. No, it doesn't hurt.

#179

⇓

Did it-did it make you feel humiliated?

#180

⇓

Did it make you-make you feel small?

#181

⇓

That's what it is, it made me feel teeny-tiny.

#182

⇓

- Like Thumbelina. - That's what I was going for. Thumbelina!

#183

⇓

That's the highest I've ever gotten.

#184

⇓

He's never gotten me that high before.

#185

⇓

You're lucky I haven't called the police.

#186

⇓

Why-why would you call the police?

#187

⇓

Oh, wait. H-Hold on. Is that sexual harassment?

#188

⇓

No, that is sexual assault.

#189

⇓

- Really? - Assault?

#190

⇓

No. Dee, Dee. I did not assault you.

#191

⇓

Please tell Alan that I did not assault you.

#192

⇓

Well, now that I've gotten a little distance from the event...

#193

⇓

Wha... No, Alan, we do this kind of stuff all the time.

#194

⇓

W... Charlie, would you tell him?

#195

⇓

- He's gone. - If you do this all the time,

#196

⇓

you-you've got a big problem, all right? She could press charges.

#197

⇓

- Could I? - No.

#198

⇓

No! Dee. No.

#199

⇓

- He just said I could, so... - Oh, God.

#200

⇓

It just, i-it... did somebody turn up the heat?

#201

⇓

Yeah, you sweating? You sweating a little bit, Ronald?

#202

⇓

- Yeah? - No, it's just the climate is...

#203

⇓

But the term "sexual harassment"

#204

⇓

wasn't coined until 1975,

#205

⇓

- by a woman named Carmita Wood. - Carmita Wood. Oh. I'm sorry.

#206

⇓

- Sorry. - You really know your history.

#207

⇓

- Well, this is important stuff. - Oh, please.

#208

⇓

- God, get lost, Dee. - No way, I'm on a roll.

#209

⇓

So who could tell me... Hey.

#210

⇓

Is it sexual harassment when a man

#211

⇓

constantly calls his female coworker a bird?

#212

⇓

That depends. Is that a sexual innuendo of some kind?

#213

⇓

Just a big dumb flightless bird.

#214

⇓

Well, it's not very nice, but it's not sexual harassment.

#215

⇓

Nice try, you dumb bitch.

#216

⇓

Um, Kate, if I may, yeah.

#217

⇓

Um, federal law really only recognizes

#218

⇓

two types of sexual harassment:

#219

⇓

quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

#220

⇓

That is very good, Dennis.

#221

⇓

- Thank you. - No, no, don't do that.

#222

⇓

This man is a monster. Believe you me.

#223

⇓

- What? - He is the worst person I know.

#224

⇓

You got to protect me on this, Larry.

#225

⇓

I... Start with the secretaries.

#226

⇓

Oh, Jesus Christ, Frank. Pants.

#227

⇓

I was sweating through my clothes.

#228

⇓

It's this damn climate.

#229

⇓

Sir, that robe is inappropriate.

#230

⇓

- And I don't think... - Hon, I'm on the phone, you see?

#231

⇓

I don't know. I bought her a Camaro. No,

#232

⇓

you know I don't go Chinese.

#233

⇓

I don't know why, I just don't.

#234

⇓

Korean?

#235

⇓

Oh, put her on the list. I really did a number on her.

#236

⇓

Yeah...

#237

⇓

Why don't we take a break?

#238

⇓

Got to get your shit together, Frank.

#239

⇓

- You... - Oh, I wish I was dead.

#240

⇓

These vultures are picking my carcass clean.

#241

⇓

Whoa, Frank. Hey, stop talking.

#242

⇓

- Where'd you get that robe? - Upstairs.

#243

⇓

I got to get one of them, man. Nice.

#244

⇓

Whoa. Wait, Jesus, Mac. What the hell happened to you?

#245

⇓

I'm gonna be honest. The first half has not gone well.

#246

⇓

- You got exposed, too? - Oh, yeah, he did. Big time.

#247

⇓

He did a role-play thing, it went bad.

#248

⇓

Wait, role-playing thing? Y-You were supposed to do nothing.

#249

⇓

I mean, n-now you're all sweaty and twitchy?

#250

⇓

Well, it's-it's so hot in here.

#251

⇓

I mean, I feel like they crank up the heat.

#252

⇓

Oh, they cranked it up. I'm roasting.

#253

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Which one of you just grabbed my ass?

#254

⇓

Did you see that? Did you see...

#255

⇓

Th-That is a problem for us.

#256

⇓

Their powers are growing. Okay?

#257

⇓

Now, we got to start taking this more seriously, okay?

#258

⇓

Can you guys just go back in there and do nothing, okay?

#259

⇓

Just don't say or do anything.

#260

⇓

Can anyone tell me

#261

⇓

the two types of sexual harassment?

#262

⇓

Oh. Oh, oh. Uh, uh, flirting and groping.

#263

⇓

No! Uh, groping and-and dick pics.

#264

⇓

Yeah, I-I know that sending dick pics is one of them.

#265

⇓

You're kidding. Christ.

#266

⇓

- I got to shoot some texts. - Actually,

#267

⇓

it's quid pro quo and hostile work environment.

#268

⇓

Would you please stop interrupting me? Because...

#269

⇓

- Ooh, ooh, burn. - And you.

#270

⇓

Could you please sit down?

#271

⇓

- No, it's cool. I'm on your side. - There are no sides.

#272

⇓

Shit, I just looked at her tits.

#273

⇓

- Frank! Don't tell her that. - Okay, don't panic.

#274

⇓

A passing glance is not sexual harassment.

#275

⇓

Oh. I like your tactic here. Get them all horny with your titties.

#276

⇓

That's when they make their mistakes.

#277

⇓

Ma'am, that's victim blaming.

#278

⇓

No, I'm blaming Frank. He's been staring at your boobs

#279

⇓

this whole time. Still doing it.

#280

⇓

Frank!

#281

⇓

What? I'm not allowed to like things anymore?

#282

⇓

- It's a compliment. - How is that a compliment?

#283

⇓

Well, they're not that great.

#284

⇓

Make her feel good.

#285

⇓

- Hey, hey, hey. Don't let them get to you. - Okay...

#286

⇓

Okay? Your tits are fine.

#287

⇓

Okay, everybody,

#288

⇓

if, uh, you could take a seat, please.

#289

⇓

So, now what we're gonna do is, uh,

#290

⇓

imagine a-a hypothetical scenario,

#291

⇓

uh, based right here in Philadelphia.

#292

⇓

So, uh, imagine a-a woman, we'll call her "the waitress,"

#293

⇓

who works at a local coffee shop.

#294

⇓

Now, i-in this particular instance, this waitress

#295

⇓

is being harassed by one of her customers.

#296

⇓

He's following her home from work, uh,

#297

⇓

digging through her trash and calling her repeatedly,

#298

⇓

until she complains to her boss about it.

#299

⇓

Now, the boss does nothing.

#300

⇓

Can anyone tell me who's legally at fault here?

#301

⇓

- Ooh. Wow, what do you think, Charlie? - Yeah.

#302

⇓

I-I think the waitress is.

#303

⇓

Y-You know, 'cause, for... She doesn't realize

#304

⇓

that, like, true love is in front of her stupid face.

#305

⇓

- Well... - Why would she say that's an assault?

#306

⇓

Hold on a second. Now, this is just a-this is just

#307

⇓

a hypothetical, uh, scenario that he's painting.

#308

⇓

He's not getting the whole big picture, right?

#309

⇓

- Well, of course, it's a hypothetical. - I know, but maybe

#310

⇓

she, like, only thought, like,

#311

⇓

she wasn't into him, but then, like,

#312

⇓

15 years later, when she needed a baby, like,

#313

⇓

really bad, and she'd been in and out of, like,

#314

⇓

- a women's shelter, he banged her. - Sorry.

#315

⇓

That-that doesn't mean that the customer didn't harass.

#316

⇓

All right, well then, I think all of the customers' friends

#317

⇓

harassed her, too, because they all banged her.

#318

⇓

- I mean, he did. - That's true.

#319

⇓

Oh, well, don't bring me into th...

#320

⇓

This is a hypothetical scenario. I'm not involved.

#321

⇓

- Neither are you. - She also did hand stuff to Mac.

#322

⇓

She did. I-It wasn't very good, though.

#323

⇓

All right, look, are you trying to tell me that no matter what,

#324

⇓

it's always just gonna be the customer's fault?

#325

⇓

It is, in fact, the boss's fault.

#326

⇓

The boss.

#327

⇓

Well, that makes sense. I always hated Seth.

#328

⇓

- He's a real creep. - Well, you don't know his name

#329

⇓

because this is hypothetical, and he didn't say t-that...

#330

⇓

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, 'cause she just said

#331

⇓

what I-what I did to her wasn't harassment

#332

⇓

because Seth did it to her.

#333

⇓

Sorry. I... Can I just make this very clear, okay?

#334

⇓

What the customer did was harassment.

#335

⇓

- Right. - Yes. If it were you.

#336

⇓

And so, take in the information, but don't take it personally.

#337

⇓

Uh, yeah, technically, don't, like, I get, like, a free pass

#338

⇓

and stuff? 'Cause I mean, I was molested.

#339

⇓

Ah... W-Well, now, actually, that is true.

#340

⇓

He did get molested by his Uncle Jack.

#341

⇓

His-his Uncle Jack got to him pretty good.

#342

⇓

- No, Uncle Jack never molested me. - Oh.

#343

⇓

- I dodged him. - Oh, no, he got you. He got you.

#344

⇓

- He got you big time. - You weren't there.

#345

⇓

- You wrote a whole play about it. - Yeah, you did write a play.

#346

⇓

- I got molested by Dee. - What?!

#347

⇓

What? Oh, c... That's ludicrous.

#348

⇓

No, it's true. Like, a couple years ago,

#349

⇓

she banged me, and I didn't want to do it.

#350

⇓

- There you go. - Wait, wait. You had sex with Charlie?

#351

⇓

- Oh, God. - You had sex with Dee?

#352

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

#353

⇓

We, okay, it was a mistake.

#354

⇓

- Yeah, I'll say. - I-It... I re-I regret every second of it,

#355

⇓

- but it was consensual. - It was not!

#356

⇓

I totally wanted her to stop, and, like,

#357

⇓

I was very intimidated by her larger frame.

#358

⇓

- Oh, yeah, I can see that. Yeah. - So, you know.

#359

⇓

I have a petite frame. I... I-It's a Thumbelina frame.

#360

⇓

- I don't... Not to me. - Y-You didn't tell me to stop.

#361

⇓

Yeah, and I kept saying...

#362

⇓

And you're like, "Shut up! Stop talking! Be still.

#363

⇓

"Let me do my thing. I can't, I can't get off

#364

⇓

with you moving and talking and shit."

#365

⇓

Oh, shit. Yup. That's ringing a bell.

#366

⇓

Jesus, Dee. Ugh, God.

#367

⇓

All right, but, yeah...

#368

⇓

Either way, It does... I can't molest you, you know?

#369

⇓

It doesn't work that way, 'cause I'm a woman and you're the man.

#370

⇓

Right, right? Back me up, girlfriend.

#371

⇓

Actually, a woman can sexually harass and even rape a man.

#372

⇓

Is that what happened here?

#373

⇓

Gosh, I mean, maybe.

#374

⇓

No, no, no, no. You don't, you don't just throw around

#375

⇓

the-the "R" word, Kate. It's hot, right?

#376

⇓

Yello?

#377

⇓

What? Wha... Well, find her through the abortion records.

#378

⇓

Can the group from Paddy's Pub please focus up.

#379

⇓

You guys have been very disruptive.

#380

⇓

Well, maybe you should explain it more better,

#381

⇓

because I'm totally confused about...

#382

⇓

Maybe if you stopped interrupting.

#383

⇓

Maybe if you two stopped sucking a fat dick.

#384

⇓

You do suck a fat dick.

#385

⇓

You've sucked a dick through this process.

#386

⇓

What? Are you kidding me? After all of this,

#387

⇓

I ended up firing her?

#388

⇓

Oh, my God.

#389

⇓

Hey, Larry? How soon can you get to the Hyatt?

#390

⇓

My dong fell out. Some woman saw it.

#391

⇓

Well, goddamn it.

#392

⇓

All right, calm down, calm down.

#393

⇓

It's o... Everybody take it easy, everybody take a deep breath.

#394

⇓

You know, we're gonna get through this, I-I think.

#395

⇓

Look, Kate, uh, you two are clearly

#396

⇓

a little in over your heads, here.

#397

⇓

Right? Yeah. You're never gonna be able to rein in

#398

⇓

this particular group, so I tell you what--

#399

⇓

I have some experience running, uh,

#400

⇓

little educational seminars like this,

#401

⇓

so why don't I take over for a little bit?

#402

⇓

You guys, scoot. All right? On your bikes.

#403

⇓

Here's a statistic for you:

#404

⇓

100% of men are capable of being sexual harassers.

#405

⇓

And 100% of women

#406

⇓

are capable of being sexually harassed.

#407

⇓

Now, am I saying that all men

#408

⇓

are sexual harassers? No, no, no, no. No, no.

#409

⇓

Of course not. No. Absolutely not. No.

#410

⇓

Yes, some men are, uh, well,

#411

⇓

they're-they're sexual harassers,

#412

⇓

but they don't represent all men, you know,

#413

⇓

just like all women aren't represented

#414

⇓

by a few bad ones, you know? Women like, uh...

#415

⇓

You know, and of course...

#416

⇓

And then we got...

#417

⇓

Point is,

#418

⇓

that gender really doesn't have anything to do with it.

#419

⇓

There's really only one thing that determines

#420

⇓

whether a person will be accused of sexual harassment,

#421

⇓

and that is...

#422

⇓

ugliness.

#423

⇓

Let me explain.

#424

⇓

Now, see, here's a, here's a graph of ugliness

#425

⇓

as it relates to time.

#426

⇓

Now, you see how the, how the arrow plunges

#427

⇓

pretty steeply downward as your ugliness increases.

#428

⇓

Now, I want you to imagine a scenario for me.

#429

⇓

This man walks into work one day,

#430

⇓

sees a woman, and says, "I like your dress."

#431

⇓

Oh. Mildly sexual, but innocuous enough, yeah.

#432

⇓

Now imagine the same sentence spoken by this man.

#433

⇓

Yeah.

#434

⇓

Suddenly, you're very uncomfortable.

#435

⇓

We're all uncomfortable just looking at him now.

#436

⇓

Because he's gross, he's ugly, he's a little bit of a monster.

#437

⇓

Now, is it this man's fault that he looks this way?

#438

⇓

No. He was, he was born this way, but the point is,

#439

⇓

I know it's not my fault, you know? Is it your fault? I don't think so.

#440

⇓

It's certainly not the woman's fault, you know?

#441

⇓

Point is, know your place, monster man. Your time's up.

#442

⇓

Now, I know what you're thinking.

#443

⇓

You're thinking, "How do I know if I'm ugly?

#444

⇓

Well, if you're not sure,

#445

⇓

probably best to assume that you are.

#446

⇓

Everyone in this room is. I-I did a scan.

#447

⇓

Now here's the part where you say,

#448

⇓

"But, Dennis, I can't be ugly,

#449

⇓

I'm rich."

#450

⇓

And, yes, money can offset and reduce ugliness,

#451

⇓

but it actually increases your risk.

#452

⇓

You see, a construction worker, he can can catcall women

#453

⇓

all day long, right? And he gets away with it

#454

⇓

'cause nobody gives a shit, but a rich guy...

#455

⇓

A rich guy's fun to take down.

#456

⇓

Time's up.

#457

⇓

"But, Dennis," you're saying,

#458

⇓

"I can't be ugly, and-and it doesn't matter,

#459

⇓

because I'm gay."

#460

⇓

Well, guess what, pal?

#461

⇓

You-you are ugly,

#462

⇓

and it doesn't matter how much you work out.

#463

⇓

It's never gonna change that fact.

#464

⇓

You've also objectified tons of men, including me.

#465

⇓

You know, you got to stop kissing me, man.

#466

⇓

I don't want it. I don't want you touching me at all.

#467

⇓

Okay, it's never gonna happen. All right?

#468

⇓

Not willingly. Your time's up.

#469

⇓

"But Dennis, I can't be ugly. I'm a hopeless romantic."

#470

⇓

But no, you're-you're not.

#471

⇓

Okay, you're-you're a sad, pathetic wretch of a man,

#472

⇓

so desperate to be loved

#473

⇓

that you'll actually go rifling through somebody's garbage.

#474

⇓

And there's nothing--

#475

⇓

nothing-- more unattractive than desperation.

#476

⇓

Yeah, so you te... No, not him.

#477

⇓

No, talking about you. No.

#478

⇓

Not him, either. Yeah, I am talking

#479

⇓

about y... You know what, never mind. Your time's up.

#480

⇓

"But Dennis...

#481

⇓

"I-I... See, I can't be ugly, right?

#482

⇓

I'm a woman."

#483

⇓

Well, no, women can be ugly,

#484

⇓

and you are one of them.

#485

⇓

One of the ugly ones. You're lanky, and your hair's--

#486

⇓

well, it looks like a wig. Yeah. What's going on?

#487

⇓

Is it a wig? Doesn't matter. Your time's up.

#488

⇓

But guys,

#489

⇓

I got some good news for you.

#490

⇓

Okay? It's not a crime to be ugly.

#491

⇓

But you can't be ugly

#492

⇓

and sloppy.

#493

⇓

So, take me, for example.

#494

⇓

I'm neither. Yeah, you see that?

#495

⇓

That is 11% body fat. Now, the only place you're gonna...

#496

⇓

- What year was that photo taken? - No, no, no.

#497

⇓

Not taking questions right now, Mac. So just... Yeah.

#498

⇓

Point is, I keep my body tight.

#499

⇓

But I also keep my life tight.

#500

⇓

I got the tapes. I got the receipts.

#501

⇓

They're all time-stamped and coded.

#502

⇓

After every encounter, I received a text

#503

⇓

confirming each partner's consent and enjoyment.

#504

⇓

Now, you may ask, "Well...

#505

⇓

would a woman really-really text that, Dennis?"

#506

⇓

Their phones did.

#507

⇓

I got the documents to prove it, so don't try coming at me.

#508

⇓

But some of you--

#509

⇓

you just haven't been careful enough.

#510

⇓

So you're asking yourself, "What can I do to save myself now?"

#511

⇓

You got to clean up your act. Otherwise, you're going down,

#512

⇓

and you're gonna take me down with you,

#513

⇓

and I ain't going down.

#514

⇓

You understand? I've been telling you this for years,

#515

⇓

but you refused to listen.

#516

⇓

And so that's why I had to find a way to make you listen,

#517

⇓

which is why I created the Shitty Bar List.

#518

⇓

What?

#519

⇓

That's right.

#520

⇓

I made the spreadsheet, I posted it online,

#521

⇓

and I even hired these two bozos to host the seminar.

#522

⇓

Wait, you hired us?

#523

⇓

You're a monster.

#524

⇓

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

#525

⇓

Oh, wow! I feel like we should clap.

#526

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah.

#527

⇓

- That was pretty good. - That was awesome.

#528

⇓

Yeah. I'm gonna be honest, I didn't follow most of it,

#529

⇓

- but so cool, man. - Yeah.

#530

⇓

Pretty drastic move to publicly expose us,

#531

⇓

but I see why you did it.

#532

⇓

Yeah, but it's true. I mean, women are out to get us.

#533

⇓

Well, well, no, no. Women are right.

#534

⇓

I mean, men are monsters. We're constantly harassing them.

#535

⇓

I'm just saying we need to be more careful

#536

⇓

so we don't get accused.

#537

⇓

And we should probably stop harassing them.

#538

⇓

Uh, well, you know, I don't know. One step at a time.

#539

⇓

We don't want the whole system to collapse,

#540

⇓

- you know what I mean? - Ease-ease into it.

#541

⇓

- It'd be chaotic. Yeah, yeah. - Ease into it.

#542

⇓

Yeah.

#543

⇓

Yeah, yeah. You guys want to go grab some margaritas by the pool?

#544

⇓

- I do. - Booze.

#545

⇓

- I'm ready for some booze. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

#546

⇓

- Let's go. - Yeah.

#547

⇓

Me, too. Oh!

#548

⇓

- Oh, "MeToo." - Very good.

#549

⇓

- That's great. - Very good, and for a woman, a good joke.

#550

⇓

Hey, you guys think that Alan guy's got a big dick?

#551

⇓

- Oh, yeah. - Huge.

#552

⇓

I saw it in the bathroom. I sought it out.

#553

⇓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#554

⇓