Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S13E03 — The Gang Beats Boggs - Ladies Reboot

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 13, Episode 3 — The Gang Beats Boggs - Ladies Reboot

I'm confused. Wade who?

#1

⇓

Wade Boggs. He's a Hall of Fame baseball guy

#2

⇓

who drank 70 beers on a cross-country flight.

#3

⇓

We're gonna beat that record.

#4

⇓

That's why I booked us these tickets.

#5

⇓

Uh, I thought we were flying to Los Angeles

#6

⇓

for the Women's March.

#7

⇓

Mm-hmm. You are correct that this is an all-female flight

#8

⇓

on the way to the Women's March...

#9

⇓

It's about the Boggs thing.

#11

⇓

I didn't know it was an all-female flight.

#12

⇓

That feels dangerous.

#13

⇓

What are you... no, hey! Come on!

#14

⇓

- Oh! - Can't smoke on an airplane.

#15

⇓

Goddamn, when's the last time you flew?

#16

⇓

Yeah, I don't get it. You already did this.

#17

⇓

Shouldn't we do our own thing? Why are we copying the guys?

#18

⇓

No, that's the whole point.

#19

⇓

It's the same exact thing, but it's with women.

#20

⇓

Right? So it's a new idea.

#21

⇓

Okay, I just feel that if it's all with women,

#22

⇓

- then it should be better. - Why can't we just do the same thing?

#23

⇓

Because if we do the same thing then why are we doing it at all?

#24

⇓

Yeah, I got to say I agree with that.

#25

⇓

I mean, why can't we just come up with our own record to break?

#26

⇓

Like some badass woman who could really throw them back?

#27

⇓

You know, Judy Garland, Liz Taylor...

#28

⇓

Joan Crawford...

#29

⇓

Betty Ford!

#30

⇓

No.

#31

⇓

Those are all sad examples of alcohol abuse.

#32

⇓

The Boggs thing just feels more fun, you know?

#33

⇓

When women do it, it just feels sad.

#34

⇓

but I figured I could do that and participate

#36

⇓

What kind of plane is this?

#38

⇓

with the whites and we're way back here?

#40

⇓

Wow. I never heard you talk so much. Truly awful.

#41

⇓

What is going on with her? Why is she so perky?

#42

⇓

She ate all her nicotine patches already.

#43

⇓

Ate them?! What? You're not supposed to eat them.

#44

⇓

Oh, my God, there was a two-week supply.

#45

⇓

You know what? Who cares? Who cares?

#46

⇓

In that case, since you're all hopped up,

#47

⇓

Just mark everybody's shirts every time they finish a beer.

#49

⇓

en route to the Women's March.

#54

⇓

Hell yeah! Can't wait.

#55

⇓

Oh, no. Two women pilots.

#56

⇓

- I'm getting out of here. - No, no, no. S-Sit down.

#57

⇓

Sit down. You're not getting... everything's fine.

#58

⇓

You're not getting off. Sit down.

#59

⇓

We're in mid-goddamn-air. You know what? Drink your beer.

#60

⇓

Keep going like that, we might have ourselves a real scrimmage.

#62

⇓

She's gonna be passed out by Indiana.

#63

⇓

Just mark her shirt off while she's still in the game.

#64

⇓

Was not expecting this line.

#65

⇓

Why do women pee so much?

#66

⇓

- I wasn't. - All right, shut up.

#68

⇓

What's with this line? It hasn't moved.

#69

⇓

All right. Nine, huh?

#72

⇓

- Yeah. - Nine, Waitress.

#73

⇓

Very nice. I like that.

#74

⇓

Some record chugging. What's your secret?

#75

⇓

- I'm an alcoholic. - That'll do it.

#76

⇓

Artemis, one? Only one? Come on.

#77

⇓

Just feels lazy and uninspired to do exactly what the men did.

#78

⇓

Let's at least beat a female sports star.

#79

⇓

Ooh, I like that idea. Like who?

#80

⇓

Secretariat?

#81

⇓

The racehorse?

#82

⇓

I like that. Let's beat a Secretariat.

#83

⇓

She should be a boss. But fine.

#85

⇓

I don't get into this bathroom soon I'm gonna shit my pants!

#86

⇓

Yes! Do it! See? That's what I'm talking about.

#87

⇓

Gross-out humor. It's like taking the original

#88

⇓

to the next level. See? Nobody expects that from women.

#89

⇓

It's so much more shocking, isn't it?

#90

⇓

Oh. Here we go.

#92

⇓

Yes. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

#93

⇓

- I need two more beers. - We're out.

#94

⇓

No problemo.

#95

⇓

I planned for this.

#96

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#97

⇓

They don't check medical bags.

#98

⇓

How's that for originality?

#100

⇓

What-what the hell?

#101

⇓

Where-where are my beers?

#102

⇓

Oh, I had to make room for all my merchandise.

#103

⇓

Just, uh, crystals, worry dolls, dream catchers,

#104

⇓

labia rings-- your basics.

#105

⇓

It's a land of sad,

#108

⇓

and clean orgasms.

#111

⇓

See? Lookin' at my first customer.

#113

⇓

I-I love to scam pathetic, sad, lonely women.

#115

⇓

But let's wait till we get to California.

#116

⇓

For now, I need to get you drunk.

#117

⇓

I need beers. Goddamn it.

#118

⇓

All right. Hey, hey!

#119

⇓

Hey, you! Servant!

#120

⇓

Hold on a sec. Servant.

#121

⇓

Oh, dear God.

#122

⇓

How do I keep winding up with you people?

#123

⇓

Do you...

#125

⇓

I used to work at Guigino's.

#126

⇓

and I waited on you guys at the Super Bowl.

#128

⇓

- Nothing? Mm? - Nope.

#129

⇓

- Forget it, forget it, forget it. - Nope. Nope.

#130

⇓

What can I do for ya?

#131

⇓

Hold on a second.

#132

⇓

Shouldn't there be a woman servant

#134

⇓

Well, it's "flight attendant,"

#136

⇓

and I actually volunteered,

#137

⇓

because I think women have been disrespected for far too long

#138

⇓

and I wanted to honor them and be their champion...

#139

⇓

Great. You're a soy boy beta cuck.

#140

⇓

- A what? - Whatever.

#141

⇓

Look, uh, we're doing the Boggs thing.

#142

⇓

I don't know what that is.

#143

⇓

Wade Boggs.

#144

⇓

Doesn't matter. Uh, listen, we're gonna need

#146

⇓

And you can put it on the Boggs account.

#148

⇓

Just make sure you keep all the ladies

#149

⇓

in the white tees lubricated.

#150

⇓

Okay. I'm afraid we don't have any beer, is the thing.

#151

⇓

- What? What did you say? - Yeah.

#152

⇓

Uh, in honor of the Women's March, we are serving pink wine.

#153

⇓

So we only have rosé.

#154

⇓

- Right. Okay. - Yeah.

#155

⇓

Uh, we'll take a shit-ton of pink wine.

#157

⇓

- Thank you. - Okay. You're welcome.

#158

⇓

Hey, hags, come on. I got news.

#159

⇓

All racehorses are male.

#162

⇓

I know, because I find them so attractive.

#163

⇓

Well, that's messed up. Why-why woman horses can't race?

#164

⇓

They should be able...

#165

⇓

They can run just as fast as the boy horses.

#166

⇓

- That's not what we're ta... - They should march.

#167

⇓

- Pussies on the track. - Getting off track. That's not...

#168

⇓

Pussies on the track. - What are you doing?

#169

⇓

- Pussies on the track. - Shut up! Stop it!

#170

⇓

- We should not drink in protest. - Stop! Shut up! Okay?

#171

⇓

Shut up!

#172

⇓

It's all right. It's all right, 'cause I got a new plan.

#173

⇓

Okay? You guys need a female athlete?

#174

⇓

Check this out.

#175

⇓

I happen to know that tennis great Martina Navratilova

#176

⇓

drank 70 beers on a flight to L.A.,

#177

⇓

only to wake up the next morning

#178

⇓

and beat her rival, Chris Evert, at the California Open.

#179

⇓

- Mm, that's very impressive. - Mm-hmm.

#180

⇓

So now we're gonna try to beat Martina Tinatinova...

#181

⇓

No, goddamn it! We're doing the Boggs thing.

#182

⇓

We're still doing the Boggs thing,

#183

⇓

but you're gonna use Martina as your inspiration. See? Okay.

#184

⇓

And we're also switching to pink wine.

#185

⇓

How's that, Artemis, for switching it up?

#186

⇓

Trying new stuff?

#187

⇓

You can't just change one small specific and call it new.

#188

⇓

- I changed three! The wine... - We're still copying the men.

#189

⇓

- ...the athlete, and the bag! - Copy, copy, copy.

#190

⇓

I will drink anything that you put in front of me.

#191

⇓

Okay!

#192

⇓

Well, there you go. Did you hear that?

#193

⇓

You happy? Okay, great.

#194

⇓

So, we're all settled.

#195

⇓

I just need to do a quick conversion

#196

⇓

because beer has a five percent alcohol content

#197

⇓

and rosé has a 12% alcohol content.

#198

⇓

Oh, dear! Watching a woman do math scares me!

#199

⇓

Okay, so every little airplane bottle of wine

#200

⇓

will equal 2.4 beers,

#201

⇓

so we'd have to drink

#202

⇓

29.17 bottles of wine to equal 70 beers. Okay.

#203

⇓

So let's just call it an even 29 to win. Good?

#204

⇓

Nerd.

#205

⇓

Oh... We're doing a good job on those guys, huh? Mmm...

#206

⇓

Oh, yeah. We're tearing it up. Tearing it up.

#207

⇓

Yeah. Okay. Whoo!

#208

⇓

Man, it is sad that there are only chicks on this plane

#209

⇓

'cause, I mean, I am all horned up.

#210

⇓

Well, there is a-a male servant.

#211

⇓

Oh, yeah? Hot?

#212

⇓

No. Soy boy beta cuck.

#213

⇓

I know, but, uh, don't get distracted by that, okay?

#214

⇓

The main reason I picked an all-female flight

#215

⇓

is because sex is how Dennis lost.

#216

⇓

Oh, Dennis? I-I like to hear about Dennis.

#217

⇓

Tell me more.

#218

⇓

He and Frank, he... they made a side bet, you know.

#219

⇓

See who could have sex.

#220

⇓

And then Dennis ended up banging this disgusting person,

#221

⇓

and then he got off at North Dakota to avoid her.

#222

⇓

He was... He was the first one out.

#223

⇓

So-so Dennis had sex on the plane, how-how many women?

#224

⇓

- Just the one. Again... - Hm...

#225

⇓

...don't get distracted by that.

#226

⇓

Well, I'm gonna beat his record.

#227

⇓

There's only one man on this flight.

#228

⇓

Okay, well, I will figure something out.

#229

⇓

No, no, no. Stop. Stop it, okay? Kno-Knock it off.

#230

⇓

You're my Chris Evert. You're my rival, okay?

#231

⇓

The only reason you're here is so that my hatred of you

#232

⇓

can fuel my desire to beat you, okay?

#233

⇓

So I need you staying in the game.

#234

⇓

Okay. Then I'm gonna beat you, you skank.

#235

⇓

Yes. that is the spirit.

#236

⇓

The only way to beat men is by competing against other women.

#237

⇓

Here's to that.

#238

⇓

Oh.

#239

⇓

- Oh, it hurts so much... - Where the hell is he?

#240

⇓

I dinged that goddamn thing ten years ago.

#241

⇓

Yeah.

#242

⇓

So the rose quartz is a healing gemstone,

#243

⇓

as well as the lapis lazuli.

#244

⇓

And the goddess stone is for putting up your snatch.

#245

⇓

- Only $70, ladies. - All right. All right.

#246

⇓

What the hell is this shit? What are you doing?

#247

⇓

I'm selling my sundries, okay?

#248

⇓

Why wait for California

#249

⇓

when I've got a captive audience right now?

#250

⇓

Here. Drink this.

#251

⇓

Mm-mmm.

#252

⇓

What is that? Oh, my God.

#253

⇓

Are you trying to poison me? That's not alcohol.

#254

⇓

No, it's my special "uni-tea."

#255

⇓

Well, it's selling like hotcakes.

#256

⇓

Drink up, ladies.

#257

⇓

It helps your prostate.

#258

⇓

Women don't have a prostate, goddammit.

#259

⇓

Or is that what men want you to believe?

#260

⇓

You're supposed to be drinking wines.

#261

⇓

You know, you're not supposed to be selling vag rocks

#262

⇓

and-and shit tea.

#263

⇓

You ca... Six? Six is pathetic, even for you.

#264

⇓

No, you know what's pathetic? Is this Boggs ladies remake.

#265

⇓

- Don't do that. - Huh? Yeah, no.

#266

⇓

I will do that. This Boggs is busted,

#267

⇓

'cause I'm doing my own thing now.

#268

⇓

And it's empowering and communal.

#269

⇓

Next-level shit, right, ladies?

#270

⇓

Not to mention I've already taken these bitches

#271

⇓

for three hundo, so, what?

#272

⇓

All right, goddammit, Mrs. Mac, Artemis is out.

#273

⇓

Yeah. Out... of this world.

#274

⇓

Sw... Oh, okay.

#275

⇓

All right. Okay.

#276

⇓

Yeah.

#277

⇓

Yeah, six is a yonic number, I'm cool with it.

#278

⇓

Hey, who wants me to read their moon charts?

#279

⇓

- Oh, oh. - Yes.

#280

⇓

Where's the goddamn drink slave?

#281

⇓

Does anybody here do their job?

#282

⇓

Oh, hello, Deandra.

#283

⇓

Hey. 15, huh?

#284

⇓

Nice. I underestimated you, champ.

#285

⇓

I'm trying to find the guy to get us some more drinks

#286

⇓

to calm your nerves, but I think...

#287

⇓

Oh, I don't need any more. I found a man

#288

⇓

to help me feel safe.

#289

⇓

- Who, the waiter? - No.

#290

⇓

A real man.

#291

⇓

Yo!

#292

⇓

Frank. What... What the hell are you doing here?

#293

⇓

I'm posting up.

#294

⇓

I figure a plane full of broads,

#295

⇓

there's gonna be a lot of horny women,

#296

⇓

so I'm like a spider waiting back here to catch some flies.

#297

⇓

No. No, goddamn it.

#298

⇓

This is my all-female version.

#299

⇓

You're not supposed to be here.

#300

⇓

Whe... In every reboot you gotta have somebody

#301

⇓

from the original to make a cameo.

#302

⇓

- No. - Hey.

#303

⇓

I heard there's a man back here.

#304

⇓

Oh. Nope. It's just you.

#305

⇓

- Want to rumble? - No, I don't,

#306

⇓

but I do want to beat Dennis, so just pop it in.

#307

⇓

I'm gonna need more wine.

#308

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, drink slave.

#309

⇓

Been looking all over the damn plane.

#310

⇓

I need more five more bottles.

#311

⇓

Sorry, that is not possible.

#312

⇓

One of our premier passengers just bought

#313

⇓

the rest of the bottles on the plane.

#314

⇓

What? Who?

#315

⇓

Whoa.

#316

⇓

Coach people are not allowed in first class.

#317

⇓

Oh.

#318

⇓

Okay, so I'm a second-class person?

#319

⇓

- Mm. - Is that 'cause I'm a woman?

#320

⇓

- Did you hear that, ladies?! - That's not what I said.

#321

⇓

Oh, Oh, my God!

#322

⇓

Did you just try and slap me in my face?

#323

⇓

- No. - Oh, you better say cheese, buddy,

#324

⇓

'cause you're about to go viral.

#325

⇓

Gotta connect Wi-Fi... Oh, she picked up.

#326

⇓

- Oh, hi, Dee. - Hey. Hi.

#327

⇓

What are you guys doing on my phone?

#328

⇓

How many checks do you have on your...

#329

⇓

- It's only got 20-20 beers. - No.

#330

⇓

- We knew you wouldn't do it. - No, 20 wines. I sw...

#331

⇓

- We had to switch to wine. - Three beers. Three beers.

#332

⇓

- They ran out of the beers. - We knew you wouldn't do it.

#333

⇓

Wine has a higher blood alcohol content.

#334

⇓

They switched to wine 'cause of Women's March.

#335

⇓

- There is no smoking in here. - A higher blood alcohol...

#336

⇓

Whoever's in... This a friend of yours?

#337

⇓

- Who is this? - Oh, my God.

#338

⇓

- Goddamn it, Mrs. Mac. - Hello?

#339

⇓

Hello?

#340

⇓

- It's the women pilots! - What? No.

#341

⇓

Oh, we're all gonna crash!

#342

⇓

No, we're not. Ma'am. Ma'am.

#343

⇓

I've got to get out of here!

#344

⇓

- We're fine, calm down. - You've got to take over the controls!

#345

⇓

All right, where's the wine?

#346

⇓

Which one of you first-class assholes decided

#347

⇓

to go and take all the wine?

#348

⇓

'Cause I'm gonna be needing a fe-a few of 'em back.

#349

⇓

Looking for this?

#350

⇓

- Snail? - Yeah.

#351

⇓

Heard you were doing the Boggs Soggs lady reboot thing.

#352

⇓

Did you lose my invitation?

#353

⇓

No. You weren't invited.

#354

⇓

Come on. You don't want the coolest chick

#355

⇓

in the world around?

#356

⇓

You're so jealous, obvi.

#357

⇓

I'm not jealous of you, I didn't invite you

#358

⇓

because you're the worst.

#359

⇓

Oh, really? 'Cause I'm gonna ruin your game now.

#360

⇓

Good luck beating the guys.

#361

⇓

You're stuck at 20, 'cause I bought all the wine.

#362

⇓

Mm-mmm.

#363

⇓

- I'm gonna salt you, Snail! (grunts) Back! - Mm-mmm... Mm!

#364

⇓

Stop it! Help me!

#365

⇓

- Stewardess! - Oh, what now?

#366

⇓

♪ When funny little men ♪

#367

⇓

♪ Are walking down the golden road ♪

#368

⇓

♪ Rainbows, rainbows and wine... ♪

#369

⇓

Oh, wine. May I borrow this?

#370

⇓

Thank you.

#371

⇓

She's gone full Judy Garland. Isn't it glorious?

#372

⇓

All right. Well, you don't do the mic thing, though.

#373

⇓

The mic thing... Uh, the mic thing is my thing.

#374

⇓

♪ Rainbows and wine ♪

#375

⇓

♪ Rainbows and... ♪ No! no!

#376

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, I did the mic thing last time and it killed,

#377

⇓

but when you do it, it just seems to be depressing and sad.

#378

⇓

That's because when women drink, it is depressing and sad.

#379

⇓

I had sex in the bathroom with Frank,

#380

⇓

and now I'm in a shame spiral.

#381

⇓

I'm gonna drink myself to death.

#382

⇓

Okay, there you go. Whatever keeps you going.

#383

⇓

Stand up, though, okay? Stand up, though, Waitress.

#384

⇓

No, no, no, no, no. No, no. Stay with me. Hey.

#385

⇓

- Stay with me. Hang in there. - Dennis.

#386

⇓

Not Dennis! Don't-don't do...

#387

⇓

Don't touch me, okay? Wake up. We're not...

#388

⇓

Goddamn it. We're not even halfway to California.

#389

⇓

Step aside, Dee, and let me do my job.

#390

⇓

Fine. Goddamn it.

#391

⇓

Giving up so easy?

#392

⇓

Martina Navratilova?

#393

⇓

I never thought you'd give up when you're so close

#394

⇓

to beating the record.

#395

⇓

I can't do it, Marty.

#396

⇓

- Don't call me that. - Well, I'm all out of booze,

#397

⇓

and I'm all out of motivation.

#398

⇓

Right? 'Cause my competition pussed out, up there.

#399

⇓

And this one back here.

#400

⇓

It was my hatred for them

#401

⇓

that kept me going.

#402

⇓

It's not about hating your opponent.

#403

⇓

Chris Evert and I were actually good friends.

#404

⇓

We'd play a hard match,

#405

⇓

but then go out for dinner after.

#406

⇓

Male opponents have the luxury of hating each other.

#407

⇓

But, as women, we had to stick together

#408

⇓

to fight for the respect we deserve

#409

⇓

and grow the sport.

#410

⇓

- Get it? - Yeah.

#411

⇓

You and Chris were...

#412

⇓

No.

#413

⇓

- No. - No.

#414

⇓

- Okay, I don't get it. - You and your friends need to...

#415

⇓

- You know what? Forget it. - What?

#416

⇓

You're using me as inspiration,

#417

⇓

but you don't know anything about me.

#418

⇓

- I don't even look like this. - Yeah, you do.

#419

⇓

No, it's just your imagination filling in the blanks.

#420

⇓

Really?

#421

⇓

Now you're imagining me as Lori Petty

#422

⇓

in A League of Their Own.

#423

⇓

That was a good female reboot.

#424

⇓

No, it was its own thing.

#425

⇓

And just so you know, I never drank 70 beers

#426

⇓

before winning the California Open.

#427

⇓

That's not even a real event.

#428

⇓

Your whole hallucination is a mess.

#429

⇓

Who cares? Tennis is boring.

#430

⇓

Let's face it, I'm not gonna find my Chris Evert

#431

⇓

in this sea of duds.

#432

⇓

It's over.

#433

⇓

Deandra, you should have let them crazy boys do this.

#434

⇓

Well, now, don't you start.

#435

⇓

I'll be your Chris Evert.

#436

⇓

No, get out of here, Snail. I don't respect you.

#437

⇓

Oh, yeah? Well, respect this.

#438

⇓

I've been playing the game the whole time.

#439

⇓

You're one behind me, loser.

#440

⇓

Snail.

#441

⇓

Let's do this.

#442

⇓

Too much spit.

#443

⇓

Ah, I did it! I did it.

#444

⇓

I'm Mar-I'm Martina!

#445

⇓

It's okay, baby girl. It's over.

#446

⇓

I know it's over.

#447

⇓

'Cause I beat Martina.

#448

⇓

I beat Boggs.

#449

⇓

I'm about to beat all of 'em.

#450

⇓

No. It's over.

#451

⇓

I'm pulling the plug on your male hand-me-down plot.

#452

⇓

As women, we deserve better.

#453

⇓

We deserve our own story.

#454

⇓

What is happening?

#455

⇓

That tea that I served

#456

⇓

was spiked with ayahuasca.

#457

⇓

♪ We're talkin' baseball ♪

#458

⇓

♪ Kluszewski, Campanella ♪

#459

⇓

♪ Talkin' baseball ♪

#460

⇓

♪ The Man and Bobby Feller, the Scooter... ♪

#461

⇓

Oh, no!

#462

⇓

It's coming out both ends.

#463

⇓

The maximum gross-out.

#464

⇓

So nobody saw that coming from women.

#465

⇓

Oh, God, wha... What is going on?

#466

⇓

I'm tripping so hard.

#467

⇓

Where are we?

#468

⇓

Are we in L.A.?

#469

⇓

- No. We're in North Dakota. - Mm.

#470

⇓

And only those passengers deemed fit to fly

#471

⇓

will go on to Los Angeles.

#472

⇓

And you're not one of them.

#473

⇓

- No. - Oh. Wait.

#474

⇓

One more thing.

#475

⇓

Mm...

#476

⇓

Okay.

#477

⇓

Bye-bye. Thank you for flying with us.

#478

⇓

California, USA.

#479

⇓

- Meh. - Mmm...

#480

⇓

Meh.

#481

⇓