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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 6 โ€” Health Scare

TMDB episode metadata
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Oh!
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Hmm.
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Hal, did you replace that light bulb?
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What does it look like I'm doing?
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Can you repeat the question? โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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Here we are, Bernard.
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Dewey, please. This isn't a good time.
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Honey, your father and I need to talk.
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I saw a nice one at the pet store. He's half Great Dane and something else.
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- And I could name him Jeff and-- - Go play in your room!
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Okay.
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Bernard?
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You can't call that a shortcut!
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A shortcut has to be shorter!
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Says who?
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Says the word.
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No, a shortcut is just when you don't use regular streets.
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So, according to you, if it took 150 years to cross the street,
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just as long as you went through some bushes and trees,
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that'd be a shortcut?
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God, you hate being wrong.
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Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.
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What is wrong with you? Look at that floor!
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Oh, sorry.
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How many times have I told you, don't track mud into this house?
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- We'll clean it up. - Not good enough!
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- You're grounded for a week! - What?
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You can't do that. It's some stupid footprints.
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- You want to be grounded for two weeks? - Dad.
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You heard your mother!
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This is ridiculous!
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You're being totally unfair!
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Just because Malcolm got mud on his shoes and thoughtlessly tracked it in the house
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- doesn't mean he should be grounded! - Go to your room now!
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What's her problem?
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Mom and Dad, their lives are so boring, they invent stuff to be upset about.
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Are you the biggest idiot to ever walk this Earth?
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- Good morning. - What did I tell you to do, jackass?
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To paint the kitchen, which I'm doing.
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What kind of a moron paints a kitchen white?
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You wanna see all the dirt?
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What'd they teach you in college, anyway?
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For your information, I'm a high school dropout.
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And I used the paint that you set out for me.
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I moved that paint so you could get to the green, idiot.
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You're gonna do this over.
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- I don't care if you're here all night! - What?
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That paint you wasted is coming out of your pay.
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Maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job.
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- What? - He didn't say anything.
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I said, maybe I should just paint it the same color as your dye job,
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you sagging, leathery, hatchet-faced, dried-up old hag.
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All right, college boy, you want it? You got it.
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I'm gonna kick your ass.
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Excuse me?
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I'm kicking your ass.
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You don't ever disrespect me like that.
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What are you doing? You can't challenge her to a fight.
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- I didn't challenge anybody. - Hey!
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Lavernia's fighting college boy!
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We've got an opening Sunday at 2 before Mass.
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Sunday. Two o'clock.
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Your ass, my foot.
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This is insane. There's no way I'm fighting a woman.
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If I don't mind, why should you?
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Oh!
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Did you see what she did there?
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She as much as called him a woman.
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It's gonna be a blood bath!
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Yeah, you're right, Dewey.
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When was the last time we played ball?
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I don't know, sometimes life just gets away from you
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and you forget the things that are really important.
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This is crazy.
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I have enough on my mind without worrying about you boys and your shenanigans!
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- Mom-- - You and your brother
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are not to leave this room, I don't want to see or hear you.
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I don't want to so much as sense your presence!
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For crying out loud, Reese, there's a mirror right there!
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Believe me,
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I am going to watch that door like a hawk!
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What's her problem?
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This can't just be about the mud.
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There's something else going on.
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What've you done lately?
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The Richardsons' fire, the Blodgets' windshield,
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the Sampsons' fire, the Jacksons' fire.
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Nothing she knows about.
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This sucks.
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Well, if you can't do the time,
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then don't do the crime.
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See you Monday.
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Hey, moron, do you know what tomorrow night is?
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Christine Matson's party!
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What? That's this weekend?
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And her sister Gina's bringing her friends from Catholic school.
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I love those girls, they tongue kiss whether they like you or not.
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It's like shaking hands to them.
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It's some kind of cultural thing.
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We have to go.
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Reese, if I show you a way we can go to the party,
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do you promise never to let anyone find out,
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even though you're an idiot?
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- I swear. - Okay.
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I was saving this for a life-or-death emergency,
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or a really, really good party.
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Tell me!
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No way. We're not hitting Mom with that.
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Reese, tomorrow night, after everyone's gone to bed,
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we take out the floorboard and sneak outside through the crawl space.
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Wow. Tunneling out of our own room.
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She can't lock us in anymore.
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Mom's powerless.
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Yeah, now she's just a crazy old lady we happen to live with.
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Thanks, Dewey!
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There's Dewey. Let's hurt him, fellow idiot.
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Yes. I hate him for his handsomeness.
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Hi, Dewey.
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Hi, Lance.
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Well, what do you know? It's Bernard.
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Let me see him.
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You can't have him.
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That's all right. I can wait.
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Next week is my turn to have him.
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We're gonna have a lot of fun.
fun
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You cannot keep the hamster.
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He belongs to the class.
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But he won't be safe.
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I know you take good care of him, but you have to share him.
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Lance is not my friend.
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He tore Billy's shirt off after school and--
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Hello?
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Yes. This is he.
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He killed a frog and brought it to school and showed everybody.
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Dewey, I said no!
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Do you want to be grounded like your brothers?
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No.
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Man, I've never seen Lavernia this worked up for a fight.
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She's done this before?
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In the two months I've been here, she's fought five guys.
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Consider yourself lucky you got some warning.
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- You know Big Don from Accounting? - The guy with one ear?
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Yeah, he was going to the privy and she dropped on him just like a spider.
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What is wrong with her?
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We were just having a stupid little argument.
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- How did it suddenly turn into a fight? - That's how we settle things up here.
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There are three other fights scheduled for tomorrow.
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Four.
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Ned cut in front of Daryl at the mess line.
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Well, I hate to disappoint you guys, but I'm not fighting Lavernia.
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Really?
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Are you sure?
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No, no, he'll fight her.
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No, I won't.
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Thank you!
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Hey, fellas, looks like we're going to have us a coward's cotillion!
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- I'll get the dogs ready. - I'll sharpen the pig-sticker.
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Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about?
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Look, fighting's the only entertainment we get up here.
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You've seen our TV reception.
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So, if somebody cheats the boys out of a fight,
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they have a coward's cotillion.
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What the hell is a coward's cotillion?
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Oh, it's always a little different.
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You never know what kind of animal the blood's going to attract.
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So, my choices are, I have to fight a woman, or do the stupid cotillion thing?
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Well, there's always the Howdy Stranger.
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How can they make us wait another 24 hours?
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Apparently, they're short-handed at the lab.
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Don't they realize this is someone's life?
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Don't worry, Bernard.
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This is for the best.
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I'm setting you free.
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You won't have to worry about anyone being mean to you anymore.
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Come on, Bernard. Run.
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Run like the wind.
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You have to do this, Bernard.
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It's for your own good.
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I'll be okay.
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Go on.
โ†“
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I don't want you anymore.
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I don't like you. I never did.
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Go on. Go on, you dumb old hamster.
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Bye, Bernard.
โ†“
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Booby trapped?
โ†“
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A broom handle tied to a string of tin cans. A classic.
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You know, if Mom ever trusted us, I think she'd be pleasantly surprised.
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Yeah. We're basically good kids.
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She's so unreasonable.
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- You almost ready? - Just a sec.
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Will you come on?
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Remember, if anyone asks, I'm in junior college.
โ†“
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Hi, boys.
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You don't know how lucky you are.
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Everything is new. Everything is open to you.
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Please, don't ever take that for granted.
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Make every moment the best you possibly can.
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God, I am so proud of all of you.
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You kids are the best thing I've ever done.
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You'll never know how much I love you.
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Maybe you're not supposed to.
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Sleep well, my little angels.
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This was amazing.
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I made out with a sophomore. I am so far ahead of schedule.
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Did you see the TV set fly off the roof into the pool?
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That was me.
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Man, I hope we get grounded next weekend.
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How dare you?
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- How dare you defy us like that? - Well, we wouldn't have had to
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if you hadn't been ridiculously hard over a little mud on the floor!
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You two are the most ungrateful,
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badly behaved, inconsiderate boys ever born.
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How could you be so heartless?
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What's heartless about going to a party with a bunch of slutty girls?
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Be cool.
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You were at a party?
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While we were here worrying?
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Can I have a napkin?
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- I cannot believe you two! - All right. That's it!
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You're grounded for the rest of the school year!
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- You can't do that. - You're crazy!
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You do not talk to your mother that way ever!
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You'll show her nothing but the love and respect she deserves,
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whether I am here or not!
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This family sucks.
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You are ruining our lives. I wish you were dead!
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What was that all about?
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I don't know, she usually just says, "I'm taking you with me."
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Lavernia, I want to tell you something.
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- We'll talk at two. - I'm gonna tell you this right now.
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I hate your guts.
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You're the most horrible person I've ever met.
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You are mean, sadistic, twisted, and spiteful.
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And I owe you an apology.
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Because what I said to you didn't have anything to do with that.
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It was just a cheap shot about your looks,
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and you don't deserve that. No one deserves that.
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You're right.
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Thank you.
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What are we doing this for anyway? This isn't going to solve anything.
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We're just putting on a show for bunch of slack-jawed idiots.
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If you think you have to prove something to them
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because you're a woman, you don't.
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You came up here all alone
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and you built a successful business in this God-awful place.
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You have accomplished plenty.
โ†“
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- Oh, my God. You're coming on to me. - What?
โ†“
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Well, you better peddle your sugar to somebody else,
โ†“
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because this bee ain't buying.
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- What? - The last thing I need
โ†“
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is some young punk frolicking in my nethers.
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You don't listen to-- I try to talk to you...
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Ew!
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- Do you hear anything? - Mom's still crying.
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Did she ever go to sleep?
โ†“
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Around 3, she went from sobbing to a quiet whimper.
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I'm telling you, she's trying to psych us out.
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I don't think so.
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I mean, when was the last time you heard Dad yell and Mom cry?
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You're right.
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Something really weird is going on.
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They've been whispering a lot, too.
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I just figured it out.
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Oh, no. Oh, no.
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- I've never seen her like this. - What do you expect?
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The boy tried to jump in bed with her without so much as a "howdy-do."
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Dude, she's killing you. Do something.
โ†“
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- I will not hit a woman. - Well, then, here. Take this.
โ†“
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- What is it? - A screwdriver. Jab and twist.
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I'm not using the screwd--
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Fight back.
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Fight back.
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Lavernia, ease up on the boy. His only crime was loving you.
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You disgust me.
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You better run home to Mama so she can kiss your tears away
โ†“
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and make you cocoa and tell you--
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Yeah! Yeah!
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For your information, my mother's a tormenting control freak.
โ†“
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It would never even occur to her to make me cocoa!
โ†“
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- You're going down, college boy. - Bring it on, you toad.
โ†“
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Ned, Daryl. You're up.
โ†“
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Somebody help me clear this floor.
โ†“
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All right. I'll get the camera.
โ†“
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Remember, if anyone at school asks, your name's Bernard.
โ†“
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You like carrots and having your tummy scratched.
โ†“
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Well, I need to know.
โ†“
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No. We have been waiting for hours. Now, please give us the information.
โ†“
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Negative? Ha! Negative!
โ†“
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That's the good one, right?
โ†“
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- Yes, thank you. - Yeah.
โ†“
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Oh, God.
โ†“
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If Mom does a load of blankets, I'll bring you a friend.
โ†“
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Mom, Dad. We have something to say.
โ†“
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We know why you've cried so much lately.
โ†“
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You don't have to protect us from this.
โ†“
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We think getting a divorce is a great idea.
โ†“
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- What? - You don't have to stay together.
โ†“
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We've known for years your marriage was a sham.
โ†“
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I mean, clearly your relationship isn't working.
โ†“
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Mom, you need someone who's gonna control you better,
โ†“
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and Dad needs someone younger.
โ†“
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You both deserve some happiness. In fact, I think we all do.
โ†“
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Amen to that.
โ†“
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I guess we should be going to a motel with Dad or something?
โ†“
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Our bags are packed. And don't worry, Mom, you'll still be part of our lives.
โ†“
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We'll see you every other weekend, and feel free to call us any time.
โ†“
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We've already discussed it.
โ†“
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I get full custody.