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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 5 โ€” Charity

TMDB episode metadata
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- Lois, are you about done in there? - No.
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- You're gonna have to get out, I'm late. - No! I am not cutting my shower short
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because you can't get out of bed!
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I can get up fine if someone didn't turn off my snooze alarm!
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That alarm went off every six minutes for an hour!
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- What are you doing? - I'm getting in.
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You are not! You will get your shower when I'm finished.
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I don't think I'll be able to come in today.
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I've got a pretty severe fever, scratchy throat...
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Cough.
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Can you repeat the question? โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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- No. - Hi, boys. Got a second?
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- You boys really have a pretty good life. - Uh-oh.
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It's about time you found something to do to enrich your lives.
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When did we have kites?
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I could never live with myself if my boys grew up to be selfish little pigs.
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What can be hard about old people?
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Poor people. We want poor people.
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Hi. I'm Francis.
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Mr. Price said I should see you.
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put tunnels in between the buildings.
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- What's that? - It's a broom, genius.
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Now grab an apron, sweep out my pantry.
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And quit staring at my bosom.
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No. You don't understand. Um, I came here to work as a logger.
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Let me tell you a little something about loggers.
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They're filthy, drunken, low-life swine,
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and you are their slave.
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You will feed them, do their laundry, and clean out their privys.
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You don't steal, you don't back-talk, and don't socialize with the Eskimos.
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- Okay-- - What'd I say about back-talk?
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- Eric? - Francis?
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What's going on? I thought you--?
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I don't hear sweeping.
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You boys should be so proud of yourselves.
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A lot of people are really going to appreciate what you're doing.
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You know, I'm going to say a special prayer for you.
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Yeah. That should make us even
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Why are we organizing trash?
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It's not trash. It's stuff donated to the poor.
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- Look, Reese, it's just like yours. - Yeah, except it's nicer.
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It doesn't have holes in it.
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Yeah, well, this jacket is better than yours.
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You're right.
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Everything in here is better than our stuff.
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Ha, ha. You're poor.
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No wonder I never got a rocket sled.
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- What are you doing? - Trading.
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- I'm not sure if you're allow-- - Think of it this way,
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I'm making a donation.
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Instead of one poor person getting a new shirt,
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now two poor people get one. What's wrong with that?
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I can't move.
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Ten hours of scouring deep-fat friers with a 20 minute break
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to de-tick sled dogs.
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What's wrong with that woman?
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Her name's Lavernia.
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She controls every facet of your life up here.
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She finds out what's your weaknesses and then gets inside your head
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and starts working it until she makes you hate yourself.
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Women. They're just like the woods. Mysterious. Full of wolves.
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Whoa. Eric, pull together, man.
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It could be a lot worse. At least we're making good money, right?
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No, we're not. Did you see that ledger book of hers?
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She charges us for everything and deducts it from our pay.
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Food, rent, aprons.
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- Hair gel. - My first cheque was for $6.
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Great. Generator's out again.
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What are we supposed to do? Just sit around here in the dark?
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Oh, this isn't dark.
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Ever spent the night in a caribou's gut?
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Who is this old coot?
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He's my best friend here.
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So nice of your boys to help us out like this.
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We've always loved this old church.
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If you cut through the parking lot,
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you can bypass that traffic light on Sixth.
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Oh.
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Keep up the good work, boys.
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All right, I'll be back in two hours.
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During which time I suggest you think about the horrible...
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thoughtless...
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whatever it is you did to deserve this punishment.
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That's just it. We didn't do anything.
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Mom said we needed to build character.
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Your character, right?
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Well, see that you do.
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- What are you doing? - Trading again.
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A backpack for a backpack.
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Dewey, wait. A yo-yo isn't equal to a GameBoy.
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What if I throw in my Mighty Man?
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Okay, two toys for one, seems fair.
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Yeah. I mean, as long as what we trade is equal, it seems like...
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Whoa. Check these out.
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- Is this fair? - Think of it this way.
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When you add the value of the work we're doing, they're still way ahead.
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- Where do you want me to dump this? - You don't dump it.
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You take the bucket, heat it to 190 degrees,
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pour it through the hair trap and make gravy for dinner.
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You're gonna reuse old, filthy fat?
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You like having a job?
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Hey, Lavernia. I need some licorice, some paper towels,
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- and a 6-pack of beer. - Sure, hon.
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Oh, no. It took me six months to get you paid off last time.
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I'm off of that book of yours for good. Hard cash.
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I got it counted out exactly.
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Good enough.
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Would you like a freshly-baked muffin?
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Only 8 bucks.
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You gotta be kidding me. Eight bucks for a little...
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- Are those raisins? - Last ones till spring.
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Quit staring at my caboose, get back to work.
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Hey, you know what? You don't have to snarl at us every--
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High school is brutal. They don't care how much homework you have in other classes.
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They just keep heaping it on.
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- Is Monday okay? - Make it Friday.
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- I don't wanna ruin your weekend. - Oh, no. I lost the crystal off my watch.
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- Didn't your parents give you that? - Yeah.
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I saw watches like this at the church.
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- Really? Could you get it for me? - Sure.
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As long as you donate something of equal or greater value.
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Okay. How about this aftershave?
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My mom got it for me for parties and dances.
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- Poor deluded woman. - Sold.
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You wouldn't believe the stuff they got.
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Clothes, toys, comics.
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Yesterday a guy dropped off an old Nintendo
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with a "Double Dragon 4" game.
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"DD4"? The Sacred Stone?
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Yeah, why?
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I'll give you $20 for it.
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Money?
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I guess we could put it in the collection box.
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This is great. The church is only charging 5 bucks for it.
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This way we pick it up, Stevie gets the game he wants,
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and the church gets an extra 10-buck donation.
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No, the church would get an extra 15 bucks.
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Well, I think we deserve something for our trouble.
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Think of it this way.
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The church is getting three times the money they would otherwise.
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Yeah. We're making this work for everyone.
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Any porcelain tea sets?
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Not for me, of course. For my sister.
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Isn't your sister at Vassar?
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Look, do you want the cash or not?
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"And my job in Alaska is great.
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I'm making tons of money and lots of great friends.
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So, your dire predictions of me being miserable and taken advantage of were,
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as always, dead wrong."
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Oh, he's a good boy, Lois. All our sons are good kids.
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You know, Mrs. Potts down at the church? She says the boys have been a godsend.
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Whoa, whoa. Where are you boys off to?
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We told Mrs. Potts we'd be back right after lunch.
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Charity's fun. Thanks, Mom.
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Well, what do you know.
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I finally feel like we're doing something right with those kids.
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โ™ช That's the name of the game โ™ช
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โ™ช That's the name of the game โ™ช
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โ™ช Going all freak now โ™ช
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โ™ช Jump, jump, coming off โ™ช
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This is ridiculous.
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The wolves had me treed for half an hour on the way there.
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I have just about--
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Ow!
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You can't treat us like this!
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This is inhuman.
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We're citizens. This is America.
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- Isn't it? - I'm sorry, Francis.
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This is all my fault.
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Stop crying.
โ†“
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- It's okay, man. - No, it isn't.
โ†“
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God, you must hate me.
โ†“
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Oh, come on. You're my friend. I can't hate you.
โ†“
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Uh, sorry.
โ†“
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Thought I was picking up a vibe.
โ†“
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Look, Lavernia may be evil, and she may be tough,
โ†“
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but we're better than her, we can find a way to beat her.
โ†“
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How? Our lives our controlled by that ledger book of hers.
โ†“
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Everything we do puts us deeper in dept.
โ†“
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This is precisely what military school prepared us for.
โ†“
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To wage war against all authority no matter what the odds.
โ†“
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She may be a cruel, manipulative monster,
โ†“
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- but Mom can't win every round. - Who?
โ†“
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Lavernia. We gotta get her back even harder.
โ†“
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We gotta get her where she lives. We gotta get that book.
โ†“
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I hate that book.
โ†“
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You know what book I hate? Valley of the Dolls.
โ†“
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What kind of ending was that?
โ†“
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Okay, Stevie's looking for some Pam Grier memorabilia.
โ†“
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If he can keep it here.
โ†“
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As long as he's got the money, the church doesn't care.
โ†“
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And the liquor store guy will take the breadmaker.
โ†“
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You know what? We're up to $159.
โ†“
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- What do you think we should do with it? - I say we buy a saddle.
โ†“
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Once we have the saddle, Mom and Dad can't say no to the horse.
โ†“
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I don't want a horse.
โ†“
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We all worked for this. I say we vote on what we get.
โ†“
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Dewey?
โ†“
87776771-5af2-4d8d-9f0e-6c3a49c2c136.gif
- Can God see everything we do? - What?
โ†“
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Mrs. Potts said God sees everything we do.
โ†“
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Yeah, Dewey. God can magically see through roofs.
โ†“
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What do you worried about? We're not doing anything wrong.
โ†“
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Then how come we have money?
โ†“
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Well, uh, sometimes when you do good things,
โ†“
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good things happen for you.
โ†“
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Satisfied?
โ†“
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I mean, think of it this way, Dewey.
โ†“
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People are still getting the things they need,
โ†“
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and, uh, okay, we do have some money,
โ†“
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but, uh, the church does, too, so, I mean, no-one's getting hurt and--
โ†“
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This is bad.
โ†“
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I say once we get the saddle, we should just quit.
โ†“
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We're not getting the saddle. This was a mistake from the beginning.
โ†“
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I should've known something was wrong when you started making sense.
โ†“
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This is your fault.
โ†“
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You're the one that's supposed to be smart enough to keep us out of trouble.
โ†“
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- And that's why you're going to hell. - We're all going to hell.
โ†“
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You guys seen the remote for...?
โ†“
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What's going on?
โ†“
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Dad, we've done something terrible.
โ†“
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It might be the worst thing we've ever done.
โ†“
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All right, just calm down.
โ†“
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Let's talk this through. It can't be that bad.
โ†“
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You've been stealing money from the church?
โ†“
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And maybe some merchandise.
โ†“
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You boys have been taking stereos, toys?
โ†“
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Is that cheese? Oh, God.
โ†“
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Ah! I need to sit.
โ†“
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- Oh, my God. - Dewey, get a washcloth.
โ†“
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My boys are thieves.
โ†“
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Here you go, Dad.
โ†“
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Nice and even.
โ†“
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You stole air?
โ†“
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What is wrong with you boys?
โ†“
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Do you ever stop and think of the consequences
โ†“
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of anything that you do?
โ†“
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Do you realize the shame that you're gonna bring upon our entire family? Do you?
โ†“
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Forget that, what's mom gonna say?
โ†“
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What we're gonna do is sneak this stuff back into the church,
โ†“
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and no one will ever know this happened. Understood?
โ†“
bdc1542d-d7e5-4d3c-844d-b7240c3846c9.gif
The church just left us alone with all that stuff, I think it was entrapment.
โ†“
be036933-a5fa-4daf-a42c-f6cdbb256e41.gif
Reese, look, I don't want to hear any more excuses.
โ†“
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I'm tired of you boys not taking respon--
โ†“
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Oh, damn.
โ†“
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- It's God! He found us! - It's not God, Dewey.
โ†“
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It's just my crappy car. Although in a larger sense,
โ†“
cdf3fc15-094a-4848-aae7-a50140135eef.gif
I suppose he could have helped out my career a bit from time to time,
โ†“
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thrown a promotion my way once in a while.
โ†“
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- So, you're right. Maybe it is God. - Hey, I don't want to scare anyone,
โ†“
9916088a-2a3d-493a-bdf9-8039ef2fc01e.gif
but this is the street Mom takes home from work, and she gets off in 10 minutes.
โ†“
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Oh! Son of a...
โ†“
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Hey, you, sir. How would you like a shirt?
โ†“
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Three shirts and some pants to go with them. You about a 34 waist?
โ†“
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- What are you doing? I don't want these. - They're free.
โ†“
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- What's wrong with them? - Nothing.
โ†“
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- Oh, for God's sake, just give me 5 bucks. - All right.
โ†“
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- What's going on? - He's selling this stuff for 5 bucks.
โ†“
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Really? I'll give you 5 for that TV.
โ†“
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Okay, all right, gather round. I've got a good-as-new stereo system.
โ†“
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- Who's next? - I am.
โ†“
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This your stuff?
โ†“
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I know how this must look, officer,
โ†“
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but I can assure you, I didn't steal any of these things.
โ†“
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My boys took them from a church.
โ†“
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Neither one of you nimrods leave until that grill is spotless.
โ†“
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And after you've done that, get that jar of poison and bait those rat traps.
โ†“
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That doesn't make any sense. Why poison them if we have traps?
โ†“
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Because I'll fire your ass.
โ†“
467a252b-3529-42eb-a5d7-2b5ba2fd7029.gif
- Perfect. - Nice job with the tape.
โ†“
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Thanks.
โ†“
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See, most people put the tape on too tight,
โ†“
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so you don't get that realistic clang.
โ†“
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Come to Papa.
โ†“
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The best part is everyone hates her so much,
โ†“
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- they'll never be able to pin this on us. - Oh, my God, look at this next to my name.
โ†“
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"Emotionally dependent on pornography, loves nut clusters."
โ†“
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How does she know I love nut clusters?
โ†“
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You took the tape off the door!
โ†“
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You dragged me to Alaska!
โ†“
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Listen, if you do hear from them, please call me.
โ†“
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Yes. Hal, you had me worried sick.
โ†“
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Police said they released you three hours ago. What's going on?
โ†“
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I know you've heard everything.
โ†“
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I think it's prudent that the boys and I disappear for a little while.
โ†“
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Hal, where are you?
โ†“
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I'm afraid that I'm not at liberty to reveal that, Lois.
โ†“
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Bus number 23 for Omaha is ready for boarding.
โ†“
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Hal, you're a middle-aged man, you can't run away from home.
โ†“
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Well, I have a credit card that begs to differ, Lois.
โ†“
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Hang up, Dad. She's tracing the call.
โ†“
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Don't you dare hang up that phone.
โ†“
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Hal, you're not gonna do this.
โ†“
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You and the boys are gonna come home right now.
โ†“
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And why would I do that?
โ†“
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Because you love me too much to run away.
โ†“
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That may be true, Lois.
โ†“
ed3145b2-566e-4db0-9eea-af89999dce19.gif
But maybe we'll just have to...
โ†“
04447b25-b5c9-40a0-9f4b-e5d57945f288.gif
gonna have a long distance relationship for a while.
โ†“
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Some of those can work.
โ†“
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Hal, have you thought for two seconds what your life would be like without me?
โ†“
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Well, no, I don't--
โ†“
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Do you have any idea how much you'd miss me? Do you?
โ†“
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Yes. Yes, yes, I...
โ†“
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- I have some idea. - Dad, you're folding.
โ†“
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He's folding.
โ†“
fcf7ea20-5ade-4511-bbe8-7aa721e7a693.gif
I knew we should've paid that wino to make the call.
โ†“
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Honey?
โ†“
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We're back.
โ†“
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Hey, guys. Why don't you wash up, dinner's ready.
โ†“
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I made your favorite, meat loaf and mashed potatoes.
โ†“
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- Okay. - Great.
โ†“
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Why isn't she mad?
โ†“
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- What happened? - All of our stuff is gone.
โ†“
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That's right. I gave it all to charity.
โ†“
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You now have two changes of clothes, one for school, and one for home.
โ†“
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Something wrong?
โ†“
f81c566c-7d3d-4a2c-99e4-96dd64ea7d12.gif
- No problem. - No, fine.
โ†“
3681d0c6-6e77-4175-b03a-61bf5b67f30c.gif
- More wine? - Please.
โ†“
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So, how long is it gonna take us to work off all this stuff?
โ†“
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Well, this...
โ†“
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should put us into the 23rd century.
โ†“
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- Sesame cracker? - Mm. Don't mind if I do.
โ†“
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โ™ช Lord, I'm coming home to you โ™ช
โ†“
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I've been lying here thinking about God.
โ†“
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I don't know much,
โ†“
a077e59a-8cde-42e6-a7eb-3285b5d55197.gif
just that he's this all powerful, all knowing being.
โ†“
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Kind of like Mom, only invisible.
โ†“
408ed260-35ab-4775-ad45-e813dde6d3ad.gif
So, I feel better being on his good side for a while.
โ†“
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And you know what?
โ†“
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We probably all spend a little too much of our lives focusing on material things.
โ†“
388a0b81-58a2-4e48-8727-04736d312d3a.gif
- What are you doing? - Praying.
โ†“
32556bc5-4f93-4c6b-8e10-5aa1b8113907.gif
- No you're not. He's got chocolate. - Get him.
โ†“
6a8e98c9-3ce4-4d36-890e-91350b25caa3.gif
No.
โ†“
582a2ad9-e05f-4d7a-96fa-4457cbe2b43f.gif
- Come on, give it. - No, stop it.