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Home » Malcolm in the Middle » S03E09 — Reese's Job

Malcolm in the Middle

Season 3, Episode 9 — Reese's Job

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Episode title: Reese's Job
Air date: January 20, 2002
Director: Todd Holland
Top billed cast: Frankie Muniz, Jane Kaczmarek, Bryan Cranston, Justin Berfield, Erik Per Sullivan, Christopher Masterson
Trouble finds Reese at his new fast-food job; a new Krelboyne tutors Malcolm; Hal and Lois sabotage Dewey's plan to get a dog.
Source: TMDB
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Whoa.
whoa
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Where'd you come from, flubber?
whered
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Hello, Hal.
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♪ I'm so full of bacon My body's meant for shakin' ♪
baconbodysfullmeantshakin
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♪ And when I start to wiggle My nipples, they will jiggle ♪
jigglenipplesstartwiggle
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♪ Ooh, ah, ooh, ah-ah Ooh, ah, ooh, ah-ah ♪
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♪ Ooh, ah, ooh, ah ♪
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Once again I have to be embarrassed for the both of us.
embarrassed
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Yup.
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
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♪ Life is unfair ♪
lifeunfair
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You go straight to your job after school today.
schoolschool-todaystraighttoday
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I don't want you to be late on your first day, and no excuses.
excuseslate
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This job is stupid!
stupid
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You do get to wear a paper hat.
paperwear
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Good morning, everybody.
everybodymorningmorning-everybody
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Say good morning, Charlie.
charliemorningmorning-charlie
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Show everyone how alive you are.
alive
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- Am I doing a good job? - You sure are.
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- I do not want a dog in this house. - Well, as long as this fish is alive,
alivefishhouse
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- What are you suggesting? - I'm not suggesting anything.
suggesting
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I just want it taken care of.
caretakentaken-care
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My stepdad's right. I'm useless.
useless
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Well, the cold hard fact of life is some are more advanced than others.
advancedcoldfacthardlifeothers
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Some even think they're more advanced than me.
advanced
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I never said that.
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And yet you assume I'm talking about you.
assume
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You're looking right at me.
looking
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I'm sure you're all convinced
convinced
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that by virtue of your being in this class,
classvirtue
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your intellects tower above those of the tiny-minded plebeians
mindedtinytower
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wasting oxygen in the rest of the school.
oxygenrestschoolwasting
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But to some, you are nothing more than howling primates.
howlingprimates
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I am very excited to announce today
announceexcitedtoday
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that we are welcoming to our class a new student.
classstudentwelcoming
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A young man of unparalleled intellect.
intellectyoung
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As near as we can measure, his IQ is over 280.
measurenear
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Those tests are culturally biased!
tests
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Think what you will. Your petty fears no longer concern me.
concernfearslongerpetty
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I finally have the mental clay worthy of my sculpting.
clayfinallymentalworthy
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Barton is a white-hot comet of brilliance,
bartonwhite
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blazing through our dark little corner of ignorance.
blazingcornerdark
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A mind of such unfathomable reach and enormous power.
enormousmindpowerreach
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Can I come in now?
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Barton, I thought I told you to wait until you heard "A new era for man."
bartonheard
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But there's a bee out there.
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So, assistant manager. How'd that happen?
assistantassistant-managerhappenhowdmanager
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INS raid cleaned us out.
cleanedraid
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So, from 12 to 5, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday,
mondaythursdaywednesday
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this is my domain.
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I'm proof you don't really need to graduate from high school.
graduateproofschool
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That's just propaganda from those money-grabbing diploma companies.
companiesdiplomagrabbingmoneypropaganda
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Sean, Doug, this is Reese.
dougreesesean
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- Hey. - Hey, what's up?
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- Hey. - Hey.
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Okay. Press cow for burger, potato for fries.
burgerfriespotatopress
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And I'm not sure what this is.
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That look like a pig or a dog to you?
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Wouldn't it be easier to put words on the keys?
easierkeyswords
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Ah. A man of letters.
letters
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A word to the wise. I wouldn't throw that in anyone's face.
anyonesfacethrowwiseword
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Once you got your total,
total
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you put the money in the drawer, except if you make a pocket transaction.
drawerexceptmoneypockettransaction
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- What's that? - It's kind of a morale builder.
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Once in a while, you take five or 10 bucks.
bucksfive
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But you don't ring it up, you put it in your pocket instead.
pocketring
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You don't have a problem with that, do you?
problem
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Oh, no. That's cool.
cool
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See, Reese? You've entered the working world.
enteredreeseworkingworld
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A world of adult responsibility.
adultresponsibilityworld
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I have the key to her locker.
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You want to smell her jacket later, just let me know.
jacketsmell
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Hey, they found the last piece of that guy.
foundpiece
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Oh, man.
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Come on, guys, we talked about this.
talked
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If we're going share a roll of toilet paper,
paperrollsharetoilettoilet-paper
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can we at least keep it on the spindle?
least
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As long as you're bringing this kind of stuff up,
bringingstuff
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I got a fiancée coming Thursday.
comingthursday
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- Fiancée? What are you taking about? - I'm engaged.
engaged
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Comes a time when a man gets tired of playing the field.
comesfieldplayingtired
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- What field? You don't know any women. - That occurred to me, too.
fieldoccurredwomen
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- That's why I ordered one from Russia. - A mail-order bride? That actually exists?
brideexistsmailorderorderedrussia
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Sure. In some of the more irradiated parts of the former Soviet Union,
formerpartsunion
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there are a lot of marriage-minded women.
marriagemindedwomen
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That's my darling Svetlana.
darling
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Wait a second.
second
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Yep.
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Svetlana.
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- How come you're driving us to school? - Because that's what mamas do sometimes.
drivingmamasschoolsometimes
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Do it now.
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♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
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♪ Hey ♪
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♪ Hey, hey ♪
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♪ Hey, hey ♪
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♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
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How'd you do on the test?
howdtest
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Okay, you know your Tolstoy and your Elliot.
elliot
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Let's see how you do with the Bard.
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"Every true man's apparel fits your thief."
apparelfitsmansthief
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Measure for Measure, Act 4, Scene Two, Abhorson's speech to Pompey.
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- Could you hand me my green crayon? - Wow, he's right again.
crayongreenhand
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Okay, Barton, let's try Chaucer's The Shipman's Tale.
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- Should I start with the prologue? - Please. How about line 203?
linestart
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"And when your husband has gone off to Flanders,
gonehusband
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I shall deliver you from fear of slanders,
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and on the word he caught her by the flanks
caughtword
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and clasped her closely, giving her a riot of kisses,
closelygivingkissesriot
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- saying softly, 'Keep things quiet.'" - What are you doing?
quietsoftly
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Chaucer?
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I cannot believe you're polluting his mind with such pop culture drivel!
believecannotcannot-believeculturedrivelmind
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I apologize for them, Barton.
apologizebarton
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And I will do everything I can to minimize these annoying distractions
annoyingdistractions
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so that you can concentrate on the accelerated program
acceleratedconcentrateprogram
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I've laid out for you.
laid
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Together, we are gonna astonish the world.
world
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Would you like a pixie stick?
stick
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Thank you.
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Having problems, Malcolm?
havinghaving-problemsmalcolmproblems
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No, no, not you.
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It's this stupid hydrostatic equilibrium. It just doesn't make any sense.
sensestupid
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Well, it is awfully difficult.
awfullydifficult
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But don't despair. I am here for you, Malcolm,
despairmalcolm
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and I'll make sure that you get the help that you deserve.
deserve
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To estimate the pressure at the center of the sun,
centerestimatepressure
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just assume a constant density of 1.41 grams per cubic centimeter.
assumeconstantgrams
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Am I going too fast for you?
fast
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Herkabe only made you my tutor to humiliate me.
herkabehumiliatetutor
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I thought it was to humiliate me.
humiliate
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- I don't understand why this is so hard. - Don't give up.
hard
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- Remember The Little Engine That Could? - You're not listening!
enginelisteningremember
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I get everything!
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In my entire life, there is nothing I haven't been able to master.
ableentireentire-lifelifemaster
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I took algebra in 6th grade! I taught my dad how to rebuild
algebragraderebuildtaught
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his transmission when I was five!
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I was reading before I could walk.
readingwalk
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- I remember my own birth. - What?
birthremember
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Do you know your heart stops during your mother's contractions?
heartmothersstops
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- You seriously remember that? - The worst was the diaper changing.
changingdiaperrememberworst
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That was the most degrading week of my life.
degradinglifeweek
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- So, what's it like in there? - What do you mean?
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Well, your brain?
brain
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I mean, for me, it's like when I'm thinking really hard,
hardthinking
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my brain starts making all these connections.
brainconnectionsstarts
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Those connections make other connections
connections
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and everything starts moving really fast and it feels like a bomb's going off.
bombsfastfeelsmovingstarts
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Is your brain like that?
brain
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It's more like a beehive.
beehive
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And every bee has a brain like yours.
brain
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Okay, ready!
ready
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That is so cool!
cool
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I wish you had a gun so we could really test this thing out.
testwish
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Excuse me. Can I get some help here?
excuse
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Hey, Craig.
craig
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So, I overheard your mom talking on the phone, and it's true.
overheardphone
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You've got a job.
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I applied here once. Didn't get it.
applied
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- It's all politics. - I guess. So, what do you want?
politics
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I want you to listen very carefully.
carefully
↓
8be69f7d-ad42-4fca-bfff-c75deba9cb3c.gif
My blood sugar is dangerously low
bloodblood-sugarsugar
↓
b00d0b9f-39bb-46fb-9c58-d7924cbce469.gif
so I don't want to burn up any calories repeating myself.
burncaloriesrepeating
↓
6c08a0c4-2b26-452f-9129-d8fa70af5ba2.gif
I want the Jumbo Clown Burger with the Big-Top Fries,
burgerclownfriesjumbo
↓
b2427fb0-1d3d-45b9-b067-6b84cf3a597c.gif
no pickles, a slice of onion, make sure it's center-cut,
centeronionpicklesslice
↓
f78e496b-1c4f-44e4-ab80-2b6593e15c2e.gif
and extra tomatoes.
extratomatoes
↓
7ef7b5df-45fe-46f7-a334-52b7b37d1f7d.gif
And let's do the patty well on one side and medium on the other.
mediumpattyside
↓
e09b2546-9b09-49f9-9300-8d485d2b1eac.gif
And make sure they open a fresh package for my bun.
freshopenpackage
↓
8a1c3b44-7532-49f5-b09c-6085bf47d5bc.gif
If it's stale, I bail.
bail
↓
30cd066f-e7ba-4c11-be9c-d65e292cf693.gif
Seriously.
↓
3aa6244b-4efc-483f-9757-0f5f5dcc049e.gif
Your total's 5.45 and you get free refills on the soda.
freesoda
↓
dca06dab-e1dd-413a-89f1-ca07b8c6fac8.gif
Heard that one before. Turns out it's just for today.
heardtodayturns
↓
6a81a6dc-0a08-48f6-8c30-d0d98ae80e92.gif
What a sack.
sack
↓
5c5db1f2-aeb0-4b73-84d5-a27ccf942b32.gif
That's a pocket transaction if I ever saw one.
pockettransaction
↓
95ff6afa-2855-4c3c-8cf2-8959db52907d.gif
Oh, yeah. Right.
↓
55d46db3-a7bc-4bfc-83d1-36442a91e4ce.gif
Artie, you put together one hell of a bachelor party.
artiebachelorbachelor-partyparty
↓
edbdf40d-53ab-43d4-948e-f2f30e3df74b.gif
- I'm much obliged to you. - Ah!
↓
550dfd5d-fbe0-4a0f-a783-8fc3e566d765.gif
I'm just sorry the nearest stripper is 300 miles away.
milesneareststripper
↓
24bfb9cb-8e00-4a30-8ba1-54de8d2ff271.gif
Hey, how's she doing anyway?
↓
521acad5-0e2a-4c9d-b487-8675dc8de038.gif
She took her top off!
↓
f9fba334-f11a-4120-abbe-ae58845bb4f5.gif
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah!
↓
370cd14e-4387-4dc6-b8fd-3fd497003ea7.gif
All right, all right, hey, listen up!
↓
f03e6245-12bf-4a8b-b466-e5c24ea675ec.gif
I'd like to say a few words about my bunk mate Pete, here,
bunkmatepetewords
↓
2ef8c29f-a886-491e-bb85-0d47ff03f398.gif
on account of his upcoming nuptials.
accountupcoming
↓
9b94ae55-5cb3-4b1b-9959-077eaad75dd7.gif
Many's the time when I've been feeling low,
feeling
↓
4f867237-eb29-4bee-8fbc-08464fb84f2e.gif
and I always knew I could turn to Pete.
pete
↓
6a8aedcc-c057-4bea-95ce-6f36a297060f.gif
He'd be lying there on his bunk, trimming his beard with a lighter,
beardbunklighterlying
↓
cf6de663-9829-45de-8f48-bf2a192a41b9.gif
and I'd think, "Hell, I'm better than that."
↓
77096867-d306-4019-8856-62aa79f68aad.gif
To Pete and his lucky lady!
ladyluckylucky-ladypete
↓
24fa22e5-7883-4d50-be46-e35304c7dcbd.gif
To Pete!
pete
↓
476de3c2-2c7a-4ee0-bd24-5910953dcf26.gif
What's going on with you?
↓
cf3dcef1-f2e8-4419-9ede-20b8b79716b6.gif
I just don't get what we're celebrating. I mean, it just seems wrong.
celebratingseems
↓
80855fb8-476d-4fa5-845b-e440331f2d9c.gif
It's Pete's life, if he wants to marry a total stranger, that's his business.
businesslifemarrypetesstrangertotalwants
↓
9d7c8308-ff1e-432c-82ab-b78ab2d916a2.gif
What about this woman? Is anyone thinking about her?
thinkingwoman
↓
de3e67e1-4339-4264-979d-4e9fcdce028e.gif
Right now, I'm trying to keep a topless stripper in my head.
headstripper
↓
f898d05a-40ba-4492-b73a-d32f768e49f2.gif
- I don't have room for much else. - Think about it for a second.
roomsecond
↓
b0f00c19-a3c9-4499-9174-d66d5712965e.gif
She's blindly committing to spend the rest of her life
blindlycommittingliferestspend
↓
19ea48e5-34c1-4104-9d0a-05030273d52d.gif
in this godforsaken place with Pete as her husband.
godforsakenhusbandpeteplace
↓
b6263625-8adf-4fd4-ada0-a93e89b5a4a3.gif
What kind of a poor creature would go through with this?
creaturepoor
↓
30ffc9a9-1f2c-4b8a-b2cb-43c75ce2e544.gif
Maybe her life's pretty awful.
awfullifes
↓
bf7b305a-86c7-498b-baf2-dc715b4ea0e2.gif
Worse than this?
worse
↓
a3cd0d8f-bb40-4f63-b8bd-79edaf14eaef.gif
What, does she live in a slaughterhouse?
liveslaughterhouse
↓
fa932b7b-c883-4122-a6ee-85b7f4681e72.gif
Is she dragged to work by horses every day?
draggedhorses
↓
3e972f0b-a166-4fc2-97a6-ed6871d1d59e.gif
She couldn't know what she's getting into.
↓
ede60c93-cc64-4b11-a323-01a10a65d9ab.gif
You're exaggerating, man. We don't know. It might work out fine.
exaggeratingmight
↓
8d8a709f-6369-422a-87e0-4fb908a48e38.gif
Dudes, how's business?
businessdudes
↓
0ae39746-ddf7-4b2c-9fcb-fa65f3f24bf3.gif
Where were you? I was supposed to be home for dinner,
dinnerhomesupposed
↓
92a5f6ce-ff2b-4b17-a549-b2f2a428d1bc.gif
but you're the only one who can cash me out.
cash
↓
d0e12c3e-ee33-4aab-a88a-0a3275024ee6.gif
Hey, I'd stay on my good side if I was you.
side
↓
20b57b7b-6e81-47ee-965d-227f33922cc1.gif
One of these days, somebody's gonna have to clean out those bathrooms.
bathroomscleandayssomebodys
↓
9163b342-c047-4a2f-8e9b-5821be308954.gif
Whoa, dude, this is way uncool.
uncoolwhoa
↓
0ca44139-5c7d-4398-8b6c-edb0a501ddf1.gif
Reese, man, you can't take this much money.
moneyreese
↓
8e033163-3538-4949-a6a1-e375d7afe49d.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
7a62de38-8764-4047-b7ea-3de22e8e5809.gif
Your cash drawer, man. It's over 400 bucks short. Look.
buckscashdrawershort
↓
9df50cdc-8a7e-4be8-b3b1-0bd3c18aa788.gif
The whole point is to take five or 10 bucks, and that's it.
bucksfivepointwholewhole-point
↓
c1f9efa5-96e1-41a7-8dac-b0cd8e7380ce.gif
You gotta put the 400 back.
↓
940e2d6a-8442-4566-8619-f4757d21d6ec.gif
- I didn't take it, honest. - Dude, it's your register.
honestregister
↓
03dfddd0-301e-42c2-bf43-b0507e01df3f.gif
Did he give his register key to anyone today?
registertoday
↓
68457f92-b63a-4d56-9f7f-ab358de488f1.gif
- No. - Uh-uh.
↓
228fc7e1-7777-4b88-a92b-cbd0525ae71d.gif
I didn't take it. I didn't take any.
↓
08190a35-409b-4ce5-b172-219996d5da42.gif
I never even did one of those stupid pocket transactions.
pocketstupid
↓
7d09b1d4-8267-409b-8174-c8ad546cd0ef.gif
What are you talking about? I saw you yesterday.
yesterday
↓
95bcf40e-66d0-439d-9ef3-8dff951ace70.gif
No, I wanted it to look like I was taking it, but I didn't really.
wanted
↓
4ee56a96-b6b2-42b6-8e73-4d612b258f7c.gif
When you guys weren't looking, I put the money back.
lookingmoney
↓
e28287ed-f667-484f-89da-4d08d8e1ad8a.gif
You guys didn't see it because I was being sneaky and stuff.
sneakystuff
↓
a7137de0-42f0-4cb1-8061-883754dd461b.gif
Nice, Reese.
reese
↓
0c452887-5a66-4875-b9de-678efbd4529c.gif
- Way to screw it up for everybody. - I didn't take it!
everybodyscrew
↓
79ec17e5-c65c-4627-83a8-0849341f2ac4.gif
Look, man, if you think I'm covering for you, you're crazy.
coveringcrazy
↓
84f43943-761f-47b6-b30c-4b0cc4f3396c.gif
When the owner checks the books tomorrow,
bookschecksownertomorrow
↓
df58384c-afe3-409c-8421-53a9df40f726.gif
that money better be here or you're going down.
money
↓
262cc400-53e8-4689-bdc3-b527b8035c6c.gif
All right. The change from apparent to absolute magnitude in all spectra.
absolutechangemagnitude
↓
7b13509d-b2e2-43b7-afbc-e831b2dfc71d.gif
The formula is "A over B times K over D."
formulatimes
↓
9a1d7cdc-474f-41d2-98cc-86da0ec044ef.gif
That's if K is...
↓
8fcda39e-9be1-49aa-a70b-dead706c3fe4.gif
How do they expect you to learn these formulas?
expectlearn
↓
d7b6f08d-7f6b-4490-86f0-332e85bb019c.gif
Use a mnemonic device, like Enephru, Babashar, Kalar, Dastrer.
devicemnemonic
↓
91d7d37c-9d3c-48c4-be2c-0b6596e500e9.gif
Babylonian kings, Third Dynasty.
kingsthird
↓
9144fd15-8e7b-48a9-a541-ff57d5f28164.gif
Stop complaining. I have homework, too.
complaininghomework
↓
7ad40cd6-0d4f-402c-b6ff-f4b208332050.gif
Ah! It's a butterfly.
butterfly
↓
343f1723-18e6-49c0-a962-8ccecc4603fe.gif
- Malcolm, you gotta help me. - What's going on?
malcolm
↓
eefbfb4b-c4c9-4c91-8a6a-d442407d471a.gif
It's horrible. There was $400 missing from the register
horriblemissingregister
↓
d102c906-682b-4b85-bc88-0080bb542e6c.gif
at the end of my shift, and they think I took it.
shift
↓
807e74c3-9971-4aa8-9639-a7c417a3ed49.gif
- Well, did you? - No, of course not!
course
↓
30eb1c69-b75b-4a35-8ad4-1c5238f16611.gif
- I'm Barton. - Who's this dork?
bartondork
↓
3e3bd671-4f57-49fe-9107-0d55275a3dc9.gif
- He's my tutor. - You're kidding me!
kiddingtutor
↓
f0d52d8e-29ea-4750-bf6c-0cf3c49a0d32.gif
The one time I need you to be a genius,
genius
↓
7b7258b4-ee86-4d07-a95e-3925847aa044.gif
I find out you're faking the whole smart thing?
fakingsmartwhole
↓
8562daf6-b995-4d7d-9bb2-295d5f3bdbe4.gif
- Reese, calm down. How did this happen? - I don't know!
calmhappenreese
↓
e4687e98-9bd8-40df-a83a-cf1422c7e60e.gif
My register didn't total at the end of the shift.
registershifttotal
↓
35c70585-282b-46df-8744-fdeed8c4b9fd.gif
- Who was there? - Everyone. Me, Sean, Greta, Richie.
richiesean
↓
3058ae54-1690-4d8f-afaa-a492b6ba2b8b.gif
Richie? Why didn't you say so in the first place?
placerichie
↓
607cd2e1-51de-4372-a959-2856d365ac59.gif
- What do you mean? - It's Richie, he's setting you up.
richiesetting
↓
406050ef-6c8c-43ce-95b4-e223583f9a26.gif
- How do you know? - Because it's Richie! Come on.
richie
↓
3c7c5665-b5d3-450a-a587-80cb0fe095ef.gif
Barton, you wanna learn something about the real world?
bartonlearnrealreal-worldworld
↓
bf2895c3-58a8-4b61-b633-34eefe5e58bb.gif
- Not really. - Too bad. You're coming.
coming
↓
9c103cbe-b04d-4b04-ad76-5a3e14b1baa3.gif
- Dewey, you have to cover for us. - Ah!
coverdewey
↓
4a1e9f60-7129-451f-b551-45b58ed56d6d.gif
- Make sure it sounds like we're all here. - Got it.
sounds
↓
92a903b0-cce5-40d7-9812-add0c29f56e1.gif
Ow!
↓
7a962e6d-77ba-4897-8b72-c6ff03f4b187.gif
Stop it!
↓
c68541c9-3617-4378-94ad-a2599b80668f.gif
You shut up!
↓
cec50245-8b4f-475d-b923-ecb5054728b6.gif
Stupid creeps.
creepsstupid
↓
63060c90-70cf-4e4f-a4bd-92daa6ad877c.gif
Ow!
↓
57ac0a32-1381-4747-9411-6967e60e13a3.gif
Stop it!
↓
f832edb3-e943-46a3-8a25-fe6d559f7893.gif
- Did you get it? - Yes, I got it.
↓
177fd7b1-c87d-4d4e-90cb-8dc7f13fba6d.gif
The pet store owner told me it was already dead,
deadownerstore
↓
ec76b3a6-0ff6-4765-9abb-d4d537d78df2.gif
but I suspect the worst.
suspectworst
↓
d62001b7-fbdf-4568-ac23-06451e8ab011.gif
Okay, we'll switch the fish tonight when Dewey's sleeping.
deweysfishsleepingswitchtonight
↓
e594fdbb-bc6e-4198-af89-678c8a63e2ef.gif
I don't know, Lois. It seems so sneaky and underhanded.
loisseemssneaky
↓
54448c41-4f4c-40c6-a161-4adc55ff8c9b.gif
What kind of example are we setting for the boys?
boysexamplesetting
↓
a4c98581-5340-434f-a320-972e2d9b2d69.gif
Oh, Hal, stop worrying. The boys are fine.
boysworrying
↓
ab3d5825-a800-49e4-ac13-b0778633dbec.gif
Hey, dude, did you get the money?
money
↓
128ca6eb-d037-4b47-9148-9f3b2283fadb.gif
Yeah, you'd like another 400, wouldn't you?
another
↓
c69d6043-db5f-469f-87c9-c7676fbc338d.gif
What are you talking about?
↓
cdba96d7-7028-46a0-9151-ce2ebdbbd0cc.gif
Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.
entire
↓
52e4336e-66fa-49fc-ae87-d6df10ea0e6e.gif
- Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey. - His name's not Dewey.
deweynamespizza
↓
0a7552c5-f1e4-4078-abfe-b6963948b57a.gif
So, how come you've had me call him Dewey all these years?
deweyyears
↓
14454721-f605-45cc-a9c2-109863d654df.gif
Look, we know you took the money and you're just trying to pin it on Reese.
moneyreese
↓
fcc4e042-3c00-4549-8c07-3130cf979e44.gif
After everything my brother's done for you.
brothers
↓
a049c9fb-96b8-4c46-b37d-b33739b16f67.gif
All the alibis, handouts,
↓
47184abe-b98e-4266-bf5e-5eb1237e859d.gif
all the times he's helped you fake your death!
deathfakehelpedtimes
↓
70d37136-1b65-4ca6-bcea-2b7d745ca8a8.gif
Whoa, dudes, I wasn't even there today.
dudestodaywhoa
↓
2e5b3453-ed4d-44b1-b9d9-373ad94fff73.gif
The only time I came in was to cash out.
cash
↓
8ff403f8-7b5f-4867-bbd3-15e39c41e1a2.gif
You were right there.
↓
1b96ef4f-0db9-4056-a1b4-56e9992e0b78.gif
Yeah, but I had a 10-minute break at 4:30.
breakminuteminute-break
↓
6a83ed58-885d-4a88-adf9-7c2d901087ea.gif
You could've snuck in then and taken the money.
couldvemoneysnucktaken
↓
792f0a53-e736-4290-8e14-1ab2b7770a0d.gif
- Well, yeah, but... - You wanna play innocent? Fine.
innocent
↓
d8ba343d-12af-4268-b615-e4cba03d608e.gif
We'll just let the police decide.
decidepolice
↓
8fdd83ed-4c60-434d-ac29-91140501f2e8.gif
Whoa, police. What makes you think the cops are gonna take your side?
copsmakespolicesidewhoa
↓
0932e8bd-8e2d-45d0-bf64-d00fc87569a2.gif
Maybe because you've already been arrested like 10 times for petty theft.
arrestedpettythefttimes
↓
621de26e-2a7e-4078-b81c-11d0706e5f52.gif
Excuse me, one of those was for arson.
arsonexcuse
↓
db921744-5714-4e4a-8ec4-586054f746c5.gif
I'm telling you, you're making a big mistake.
mistaketelling
↓
2a8c4a8b-724b-4be4-be0a-22181f4cfcea.gif
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are!
↓
508c2b0b-cb9d-4286-88d0-b71ee4fd7aba.gif
- No, I'm not! - Yes, you are.
↓
e1aeaa65-9402-485d-b337-ab50f84771e2.gif
He didn't do it.
↓
a3ac12e4-4db6-41a6-a044-4d75e229c4ee.gif
According to this citation,
according
↓
8bffda56-7d8b-4a4f-a482-1a30f6490278.gif
Richie was stopped at 4:20 today at 18th and Wilson
richiestoppedtodaywilson
↓
c0abb126-7c39-44d0-b956-ca9144e2a9d3.gif
for urinating from a moving vehicle.
movingurinatingvehicle
↓
a37a5202-1a7e-4890-9ed0-7efd470f75d6.gif
- So? - So, the Circus Burger is on Walnut,
burgercircuswalnut
↓
73cb4220-a36a-4937-a131-d9cd11d40d4e.gif
which is at least 25 miles away.
leastmiles
↓
43a9cb67-5db0-48f0-935c-effed53e78e7.gif
He couldn't have gotten there during Reese's break.
breakgottenreeses
↓
41c9330e-161d-4886-b396-1f9891cc2626.gif
- Well, maybe if the traffic was light-- - Yeah, and maybe if a '78 Bonneville
lighttraffic
↓
757d87d4-4ac5-4094-a585-be164330563d.gif
could go 300 miles an hour.
hourmiles
↓
2c01d447-c52a-45b9-a003-01d1d247ec10.gif
- Otherwise, it's impossible. - Hey, way to go, Dewey.
deweyimpossibleotherwise
↓
1026e080-49eb-4891-abed-1ead095cc9bf.gif
- Let me see that. - Is he right?
↓
fb374dfb-77d6-48e1-b212-3c3d242db4b0.gif
Yes. He's always right.
↓
8a4efbb4-9dea-40bc-b78e-edf003780c7e.gif
Sorry, Richie. Come on, Reese, let's go.
reeserichie
↓
336323ce-f6b2-4b69-b746-9ae9d4a7395d.gif
But I swear to God, I didn't do it! I didn't take the money!
moneyswear
↓
ef21221e-d680-4a57-9140-8feee7507c07.gif
Well, look, we still have a few hours.
hours
↓
db4d6c5c-bcb4-4d30-a48f-ae19c387af86.gif
- Maybe we can figure out-- - Richie, I got us the DVD player
figureplayerrichie
↓
63682082-833a-41c4-a479-49695a651f77.gif
but we need to steal another 600 if you want the surround...
anotherstealsurround
↓
b2981f18-0f6e-413f-b1ce-0dea7db2093f.gif
sound.
sound
↓
12050ab5-1748-4e71-ac78-dc13acc2eea7.gif
You may wanna hang on to that receipt.
hangreceipt
↓
fb877299-af6a-465e-891c-3715bfd8e54f.gif
I can't believe you lied! We're calling the cops!
believecallingcopslied
↓
e04a200a-5236-4f86-aafc-1e8101dd4c7e.gif
Hey, hey, hey. Maybe we can figure out some sort of deal.
dealfigure
↓
19875855-9159-4527-aedf-a0d7fca0f507.gif
Whatever you guys want, it's yours.
↓
3124b569-2ee7-4083-94a8-2b6abef78cb5.gif
We get to use your place for a party any time we want.
partyplace
↓
4ec55b2e-09ce-4280-944c-679b19e4651c.gif
Yeah, and we get free burgers for life.
burgersfreelife
↓
91ad2596-09a2-4cab-9224-b377ebe8f81a.gif
And I get to make out with your girlfriend.
girlfriend
↓
97e754ed-027b-49b1-ad31-5cc4b004b7ab.gif
- Forget it! - All right, the bean bag chair.
beanchairforget
↓
ee1b3591-ec88-45ae-9155-ea507eec1180.gif
- Wow, Pete, is that really you? - No, it's a reflection.
petereflection
↓
df99f8e5-6f4f-40f1-80ee-81a2882e8781.gif
- Here, you can give these to Svetlana. - Oh.
↓
0e43538b-44b1-4f09-9624-0388d7ed631f.gif
Eric and Artie should be back any minute from Mamu with your bride.
artiebrideericminute
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I gotta be honest, I'm a little nervous.
honestnervous
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Well, you are about to marry a total stranger.
marrystrangertotal
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Have you really thought about what you're doing?
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Oh, I've been thinking about settling down for a long, long time.
settlingthinking
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Yeah, but you don't know anything about her.
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I mean, what if she thinks you're--?
thinks
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What if she doesn't like you?
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Well, I'd be sad, but...
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I'd reassure her that I'd support her anyway,
support
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because I made that commitment.
commitment
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Then I guess I'd spend the rest of my life being sweet to her...
liferestspendsweet
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in the hopes of changing her mind.
changinghopesmind
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- Well, good luck, Pete. - Thanks.
luckpetethanks
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Svetlana's here, and she is gorgeous!
gorgeous
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I must have misread the catalogue.
must
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Just look how light on her feet she is.
feetlight
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- Hey, baby! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
babywhoawhoa-whoawhoa-whoa-whoa
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Hey, guys.
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- Oh, hey, Pete... - Just get that thing out of here.
pete
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- I'll take care of it. - I got it.
care
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- Why you? - Because I signed for it.
signed
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Who cares? Wait a minute. Come here.
caresminute
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Oh, there's our ride.
ride
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So nice of Richie to drive you to school.
driverichieschool
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Yeah, well, that's just his way of saying, "Thanks for a job well done."
thanks
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- Good morning, everybody. - Now, son, don't be disappointed.
disappointedeverybodymorningmorning-everybody
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Say good morning, Charlie. Show everyone how alive you are.
alivecharliemorningmorning-charlie
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Aren't I doing a good job?
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Yeah, yeah. Great.
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That little monster!
monster
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He's been buying his own fish and switching them.
buyingfishswitching
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God only knows how many he's gone through.
goneknows
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- He's gonna pay for this. - Well, how?
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If we bust him, he'll know we've been cheating, too.
bustcheating
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Dewey, your father and I are so proud of the way you've taken care of that fish.
caredeweyfatherfishproudtakentaken-care
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Yes, we are. You certainly proved to us that you can be trusted.
certainlyprovedtrusted
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It's so nice to have a boy who's so conscientious, responsible,
conscientiousresponsible
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and honest, and who always finds a way to do the right thing.
findshonest
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Before we go any further, is there anything you wanna tell me?
further
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I want a beagle.
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Well, you're not gonna get it, you little sneak!
sneak
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We know that you've been switching fish on us
fishswitching
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because I put a dead fish in there last night!
deadfishnight
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That's cheating! You're cheaters!
cheaterscheating
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Well, not exactly textbook, but at least we're not getting a dog.
leasttextbook
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I cleaned out my cubby.
cleaned
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You're sure I can't talk you into staying?
staying
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My mom says I need a healthier environment.
environmenthealthier
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She thinks it's creepy you're using me for your own self-aggrandizement.
creepyselfthinksusing
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A healthier environment? That's not what you need.
environmenthealthier
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Son, you will never connect normally with another human being.
anotheranother-humanconnecthumannormally
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People will recognize your brilliance and they will loathe you for it.
recognize
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The best you can hope for is uncomprehending fear...
bestfearhope
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which I can channel into great things.
channel
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- Please. - Can I go now?
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Sure. Go.
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You, my ex-wife...
wife
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all of my therapists, you're all the same.
therapists
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- Bye, guys. - Bye, Barton.
barton
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Good luck at NASA.
luck
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Send us a letter when you get declassified.
lettersend
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Mr. Herkabe, we know this is hard for you, so...
hardherkabe
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It's his dad. We Photoshopped your head in.
head