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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 2, Episode 12 โ€” Krelboyne Girl

TMDB episode metadata
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Give me that.
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It never gets old.
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Can you repeat the question? โ™ช
โ†“
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Mom.
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Why are you not wearing your underpants?
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- I want to wear boxers. - Oh, really?
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Do you think maybe Dewey's getting a little old for stuffed animals?
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Our little baby is growing up.
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Give me that.
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meat.
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When we dulled the points on your pencils?
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When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you"?
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I still feel bad about that.
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Now she's taking your place as the whipping boy.
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You guys get dumped on and tortured by the entire school.
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Why would you want to do it to someone else?
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- Mm-mm. - You guys don't even know this girl.
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Maybe she's nice.
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- Hi. I'm Malcolm. - Cynthia.
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- So, you're new here. - Yeah...
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my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan,
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but I think the real reason is
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that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard
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and he thinks that a new environment would help.
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The truth is, nothing's been the same
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since my brother died in the boating accident.
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Just kidding.
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What?
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Get...
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a room.
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Anyway, I'll see you later and I'm glad your brother's okay.
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I don't have a brother.
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Cadets, apparently one of you felt the compelling need
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to take my '37 Stutz Bearcat for a joyride in a cornfield.
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You may be sure the responsible party will be disciplined.
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Now, I know in the past I have resorted to grueling midnight hikes
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through leech-infested swamps
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or the repetitive digging and filling of ditches,
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et cetera, et cetera.
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But things have changed.
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Due to a recent court decision involving corporal punishment,
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a loophole has allowed me to unretire...
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"Old Hickory."
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He hungers for the sting of insolent flesh.
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- Hi, Dad. - Oh, hey, son. What's up?
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I need a little favor.
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- Oh, I'll try. What do you need? - An alibi.
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If anyone asks, you just have to say
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we were on a father-son fishing trip yesterday.
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- What did you do? - Really, Dad, do the specifics matter?
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- I mean, you have to do this for me. - I am not going to lie for you.
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Okay, I'm calling in my chit.
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- What chit? - You know, the one-time thing.
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I just call it in and you do it, no questions asked.
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- That doesn't exist, Francis. - Dad.
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No, I'm sorry, I can't help you.
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You have to face the consequences of your actions like a grown-up.
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All I have to say is, I am very disappointed in you.
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- Was that Francis? How's he doing? - Good. He, uh...
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just got a B on his history final.
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Good for him.
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This is the longest he's ever gone without getting into any trouble.
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Maybe things are finally starting to turn around.
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So, why are you here so late?
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I had to use the school computer. Why are you here so late?
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I really liked what you said in class about the search
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for intelligent life in the universe.
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- And you waited out here to tell me that? - I was thinking,
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why are we even bothering to send signals into deep space?
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If we do make contact with extraterrestrials,
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we'll probably just wind up doing their laundry.
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Just kidding.
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So, what's it like having a brother?
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I don't know.
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- Well, I've got to go home now. Bye. - Bye.
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- What's going on? - Some weird new girl from school
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- actually followed me home. - Really? Is she cute?
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Is this what that whole boxer shorts thing is all about?
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Mom, please don't.
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Hi.
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- Thank you again for inviting me. - You're welcome.
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If my son weren't such a rude little pig, he would have invited you himself.
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You be nicer to her. She obviously has no friends at all.
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Malcolm, would you ask your girlfriend to pass the potatoes?
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Malcolm, would you thank your girlfriend for me?
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- So, Cynthia, you're in Malcolm's class. - Yeah.
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Huh.
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Malcolm, would you ask your girlfriend if she would like some peas?
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We get it.
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Thank you, Mr. Chicken, for giving up your life
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so that I can continue to live.
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What are you doing?
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I know if someone killed me and ate me, I'd like them to at least say thank you.
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Hello.
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This is Commandant Spangler from the Marlin Academy.
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- Oh, yes. - Sorry to disturb you. I'm just calling
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because we had an incident up here last weekend,
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and I've done a thorough investigation, and it appears your son Francis
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is a prime suspect.
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Well, that's impossible because he was with me last weekend.
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He was?
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Yes. Yes, we went fishing.
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You're sure?
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Smallmouth bass. Boy, those babies'll fight you.
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Yeah, I got the fish to prove it. I should send you some.
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- No, that's quite all right. - No, I insist.
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Yeah, I got a freezer full of them.
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Okay, where's Domingo?
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Come on, I can smell him.
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Honey...
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do you think I just took Domingo away from you
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- because I'm mean? - Absolutely.
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Dewey, the reason I had to take your teddy bear away
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is because he's very dirty.
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He's covered with germs and he could make you very sick.
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- He wouldn't do that. He loves me. - It's the germs, sweetie.
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They're tiny bugs carrying disease, and Domingo is covered with them.
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When you touch him, they get on your hands,
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and what do you suppose happens if you touch your eyes?
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Well, I'll tell you what happens.
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The germs get in there and they infect them,
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and you get very sick and eventually your optic nerve rots away
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and your eyes fall out.
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Now,
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if you want to keep Domingo, you can.
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But if you want to keep your eyes, you'll give Domingo to me.
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You made the smart choice, sweetie.
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Sleep tight.
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- Hey, Malcolm. - I want to sit alone.
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- Yeah, hi. - So, I signed us up as lab partners.
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You know, Cynthia, you're spending all your time with me.
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Maybe it'd be a good thing if you branched out a little bit?
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Just seemed like a good idea. We get along so well,
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I just thought we've got a good thing going.
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"Thing"?
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Ooh, Malcolm, having lunch with your girlfriend?
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- She's not my girlfriend. - Oh, I don't know.
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I think I see a spark. Boop.
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- Please don't touch me. - Yeah, that'll work.
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Oh, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, then, maybe I'll do this. Ow!
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Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.
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- My body is composed entirely of snot. - Anything you want to add?
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- I'm good. - Ow.
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- What was that? - It's Krav Maga,
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the official self-defense system of the Israeli army.
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Maybe I'll show you sometime if you think you can handle it.
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What's with all the fish?
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Oh, nothing, I just did something incredibly stupid and shortsighted.
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- You putting those in the freezer? - Just tonight.
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Tomorrow they go in the mail.
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- Dewey, what are you doing? - I'm killing the germs.
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I hate germs. Germs are scary.
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Don't forget the germs in the oven.
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- Hello. - You are the best dad ever.
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I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied for you.
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The important thing is that this is all behind us
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- and I learned my lesson. - What lesson is that?
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That you are the best dad ever.
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You know, Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now.
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Yes, Commandant Spangler, this is Francis' father.
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I'm afraid I...
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lied to you.
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Francis is the cadet responsible for damaging your car.
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I see.
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Well, that puts me in somewhat of an awkward position.
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You see, the culprit is being disciplined as we speak.
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But Francis did it. You're punishing the wrong cadet.
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I beg your pardon.
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In my 30 years at this academy, I have never caned the wrong cadet.
โ†“
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Sir, did you say "caned"?
โ†“
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No.
โ†“
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Sir--
โ†“
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- Consider the matter closed. - But, sir, you--
โ†“
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Take five, fellas.
โ†“
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Yeah, we're having lunch together. So what? She likes to sit next to me.
โ†“
f149ff9a-b923-4348-be92-63b2d8f02746.gif
Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation.
โ†“
6175b2bf-2057-4bff-b663-a804bbe8f527.gif
Did you know I could read lips?
โ†“
51db4442-7f60-4fea-8348-4f37528a3302.gif
"I've noticed that 80 percent of my Doritos are isosceles triangles."
โ†“
c674504e-47ac-4277-a20c-9f1a5f2a3390.gif
"Wow, I'm impressed. Want to kiss?"
โ†“
d700d8a7-e4b0-4373-b428-4eb55fed6a6c.gif
"I was hoping you'd ask.
โ†“
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Let me finish my sandwich first."
โ†“
8b34c510-6fda-4bd7-bf3b-a02f16b8f627.gif
"Waiting is such sweet agony."
โ†“
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"Okay, I'm ready."
โ†“
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"Oh, now I'm not.
โ†“
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I just took a bite of my sandwich." "Oh, you're such a tease."
โ†“
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Now, if I apply pressure like this for ten seconds,
โ†“
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you'll pass out.
โ†“
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If I do it for 20 seconds, you'll die of a brain hemorrhage.
โ†“
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- Cool. - Okay.
โ†“
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Are you wearing perfume?
โ†“
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Oh, it's my shampoo.
โ†“
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- Jasmine. Do you like it? - Well, yeah. It smells good.
โ†“
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It's supposed to get rid of my dandruff, but I'm not sure it's working.
โ†“
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Here, what do you think?
โ†“
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Malcolm?
โ†“
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Ooh.
โ†“
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Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.
โ†“
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Would you shut up?
โ†“
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- No, see, it's a play on words. - I said shut up.
โ†“
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I'll e-mail it to you and some others, if you don't mind.
โ†“
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Figure out how many words your phone number makes?
โ†“
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Mine makes five:
โ†“
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Three in English and two in Esperanto.
โ†“
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Just kidding.
โ†“
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If it's a joke, you don't have to say, "Just kidding."
โ†“
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It's either funny or it isn't.
โ†“
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You know, just because you're cute doesn't mean you can be rude.
โ†“
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That wasn't rude. That was...
โ†“
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What's a...
โ†“
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Did she say I was cute?
โ†“
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Hi, Malcolm. What's going on?
โ†“
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I wanted to talk about something that's bothering me.
โ†“
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- What's it about? - There's this girl, and...
โ†“
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Keep Mom out of it!
โ†“
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- What? - I am warning you,
โ†“
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keep Mom out of your love life.
โ†“
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- Mom has nothing to do with this. - Trust me, yes, she does.
โ†“
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She will ruin it, I swear. Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it.
โ†“
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And don't do the opposite, either!
โ†“
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The way it's worked for me is...
โ†“
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Actually, it's never worked for me.
โ†“
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I just don't know if it's a good idea.
โ†“
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I've thought about this a long time.
โ†“
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Okay, it's your call.
โ†“
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- When are you going to talk to Dewey? - As soon as he finishes the windows.
โ†“
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Hey!
โ†“
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I want a rematch. Last time the sun was in my eyes,
โ†“
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and I wasn't really--
โ†“
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Hey, Malcolm. What are you doing after school?
โ†“
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We're getting a dog, and I thought you might want to help us pick one out.
โ†“
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My mom wants a golden retriever, but I'm leaning more toward
โ†“
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a flat-coated retriever because everyone has goldens, and--
โ†“
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I don't want to be lab partners with you anymore.
โ†“
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- What? - I mean, it wasn't my idea.
โ†“
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The teacher thought I should partner up with someone else.
โ†“
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Okay.
โ†“
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Hello, son.
โ†“
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- What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.
โ†“
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You drove eight hours just to talk to me?
โ†“
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I thought it best that I do this face-to-face, man-to-man.
โ†“
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What is it?
โ†“
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Francis, you wrecked Commandant Spangler's car
โ†“
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and you weren't punished for it.
โ†“
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Another cadet was, and that just isn't right.
โ†“
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That's what you came all the way down here to tell me?
โ†“
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Well, that, and your mother said you can come home from military school,
โ†“
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and I told her I didn't think it was a good idea.
โ†“
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- What? - Francis,
โ†“
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neither one of us did the right thing, there has to be consequences for that.
โ†“
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- Oh, come on! - Look, if I didn't do this,
โ†“
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- I'd be failing you as a parent. - There's got to be another way.
โ†“
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No, believe me. I wrestled with this on the drive over.
โ†“
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This is the only fair thing to do. It deals with my complicity as well.
โ†“
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Guess there really isn't anything more to say.
โ†“
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Looks like you have an activity planned,
โ†“
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so I'll get out of your hair. Hey.
โ†“
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I love you, son.
โ†“
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Have fun.
fun
โ†“
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Dewey, we have got to talk.
โ†“
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When I talked to you about germs, I was just trying to scare you. That was wrong.
โ†“
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This isn't about germs.
โ†“
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It's about growing up. I took Domingo away from you
โ†“
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because you are too grown-up for a ratty, old stuffed animal that's falling apart.
โ†“
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Dewey, you have got to stop this. It's a little bug. It never hurt anyone.
โ†“
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- But it has germs on it! - Okay, this is enough.
โ†“
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See?
โ†“
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Nothing happened to me.
โ†“
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Okay?
โ†“
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Okay.
โ†“
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So take off the plastic and go eat your breakfast.
โ†“
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So, anyway...
โ†“
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Look at her, talking to some idiot. Who is that guy?
โ†“
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What am I saying? I don't care. Why should I care?
โ†“
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There's nothing that special about her. Why is this bugging me so much?
โ†“
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If I'm such a genius,
โ†“
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I should be able to come up with a smart way to deal with this.
โ†“
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Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window
โ†“
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at 2:00 in the morning?
โ†“
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I don't know.
โ†“
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I really don't.
โ†“
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How could you do that? It really scared me, Malcolm.
โ†“
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I don't know, I'm sorry. The one good thing is,
โ†“
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Mom'll kill me before this goes on for too much longer.
โ†“
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I didn't move to the suburbs so my daughter could be attacked at night.
โ†“
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Oh, for God's sake.
โ†“
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He wasn't attacking her. He's got a crush on her.
โ†“
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- Beg pardon? - Mom, don't.
โ†“
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Don't worry, Malcolm will be punished. It's nothing to panic about.
โ†“
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- But-- - Don't you remember when you were his age?
โ†“
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All the dumb things you did with your little girlfriends?
โ†“
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- Um, I'm not his-- - It's puberty!
โ†“
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Their bodies are going crazy down there and they can't do anything about it.
โ†“
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So they start all that silly making out
โ†“
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and they get all tingly and charged up
โ†“
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and don't know what to do with themselves so they throw bricks.
โ†“
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My oldest son set a doghouse on fire.
โ†“
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They are idiots at this age. That's just what they do.
โ†“
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Yes, well, that may be,
โ†“
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but this kind of behavior is not acceptable.
โ†“
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No, it isn't, but you'd better get used to it
โ†“
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because I'm gonna tell you right now, this one is an early bloomer.
โ†“
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She's gonna pop out of every bra you buy for the next three years.
โ†“
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You're going to be self-conscious, but don't let it make you slouch.
โ†“
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You'll be happy about it in college.
โ†“
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Come on. I'll give you the number of a glass company.
โ†“
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We give him a lot of business. He'll treat you right.
โ†“
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Well, at least she didn't strip us and take pictures.
โ†“
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The night is young.
โ†“
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Okay, you know what?
โ†“
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Big deal.
โ†“
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I do like you.
โ†“
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I'm willing to say it.
โ†“
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- I really like you a lot. - I like you a lot.
โ†“
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Okay, then...
โ†“
81f64ac3-0a74-4982-8240-49206ab92101.gif
- What? - I'm not all tingly
โ†“
9790f48c-bc50-404d-b290-842b6133d1dd.gif
and charged up, okay?
โ†“
75e1e32f-6425-4dd8-b266-ecf3efd05836.gif
Nah. Me neither.
โ†“
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And my body's not going crazy.
โ†“
be17e022-6eaf-4830-8914-b5fa66995ed7.gif
Fine.
โ†“
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God, why'd she have to say all that stuff?
โ†“
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Malcolm, what are you doing?
โ†“
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Cynthia, believe me, I'm trying to kiss you,
โ†“
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and if you give me a minute to clear my head,
โ†“
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I'll be able to kiss you, okay?
โ†“
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- Excuse me? - Francis said she'd do this.
โ†“
97a39b3f-6e9e-468f-9000-e863fcb929ff.gif
- Who is Francis? - It's not what you think. He's my brother.
โ†“
d14c9686-50b2-439d-a6ee-5c704ed9a49c.gif
You were gonna kiss me
โ†“
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- thinking of your brother? - No, I was thinking about my mom.
โ†“
f297c32f-db5e-43bb-8ea6-617c9650448e.gif
No, I mean, I was thinking about your bra.
โ†“
117644de-43f9-4ea8-955a-97fecd254d2b.gif
I mean, I was thinking about what's in your bra.
โ†“
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I mean, what will be in your bra.
โ†“
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Oh, can I start over?
โ†“
e89d4d51-2dfd-4006-8745-d27894c606c4.gif
I wonder if I can convince anyone this is a hickey.