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Malcolm in the Middle

Season 2, Episode 3 โ€” Lois's Birthday

TMDB episode metadata
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There's a lot of good things about weekends. No school, cartoons.
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But the best thing about weekends is having a neighbor like old Mrs. Jansen.
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Trick or treat.
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Oh, my. Look at what nice costumes you have.
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Here's two for you and two for you.
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- There. Goodbye. - Thank you, Mrs. Jansen.
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Hey, before you condemn us, we're the only kids who even talk to her.
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So if it wasn't for us, she would have no human contact at all.
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We shoveled your walkway.
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Oh!
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It looks wonderful. Let me get my purse.
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Okay. Now you can condemn us.
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โ™ช Yes, no, maybe โ™ช
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โ™ช I don't know โ™ช
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โ™ช Can you repeat the question? โ™ช
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โ™ช Life is unfair โ™ช
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- Get your hand out of there. - I can't.
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Ow!
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All right. I got it.
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Okay, now listen up.
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It's a potato bank.
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I made it.
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And you've got, uh, 30 between you?
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Stop pushing. Come on. Dewey, you...
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- Lois. - Hi, Craig.
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What are you doing here on your day off?
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Oh, I stopped in with the boys, to buy me a birthday present.
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Oh. It's your birthday?
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I'd completely forgotten. Seems like any other day.
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- Yeah, well... - Craig to aisle seven.
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Of course, you can't blame me for forgetting. I've been so busy lately.
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Seems like I'm always hitting the weights at the gym, working on the guns.
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Craig, aisle seven.
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And when I'm not at the gym, I'm with my Dixieland jazz group.
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- Really? What do you play? - I'm the costumer.
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There are four types of straw hats, and if you need arm garters...
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- Craig, I can see you. - Bye.
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It's my mom's birthday. It means a lot to her for me to come home.
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Just as a coincidence, my friend Richie is throwing a huge party on the same day.
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But enough about me.
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I can't believe you and your schoolmates have come all the way from Mozambique
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just to see a bunch of national parks and monuments.
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I don't wanna criticize, but you really haven't seen America
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until you've seen the small towns, met the people,
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studied the way my friend Richie throws a keg party.
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You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.
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Oh.
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Just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her,
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she'd laugh in your face.
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I, on the other hand, find your desperation charming.
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Really? Well, there's plenty more where that came from.
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Get out of my way! Let go of me! Come on, move, move.
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- Here you go, Mom. Happy birthday. - Don't you wanna wrap it?
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No, it's okay.
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An eyeglass repair kit.
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Box of throat lozenges.
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- A dirt bike magazine. - I wanna look at that when you're done.
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This cost you $30?
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No, it was, like, eight. This store's great, Mom.
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- When can I have my candy? - Relax, dude, we have 20 bucks' worth.
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- Shotgun. - Hey! Wait!
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- Come on! - Wait up!
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Stop! Get out of the way!
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Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
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- Mom, what's for dinner? - Oh, I don't know.
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Why don't you have some candy?
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Yay!
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Dewey, take off the wrappers.
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- Does Mom seem okay? - What do you mean?
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I don't know. I think she might be upset about something. Maybe I should ask if...
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Ooh. Skinny Fonzie.
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Nineteen, 20, 21, 22, 23.
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All here. You can go.
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This is my house. Can't you just feel the authenticity of it?
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Not like those crappy plastic national parks you've been going to.
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You can relax, Francis. I got off the bus already.
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Right, okay. Here's the deal.
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We go inside, make a polite appearance for my mother's birthday,
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have some cake with her, drop off my laundry, and then we go to the party.
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- My God. - What?
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Do you even know how astonishingly beautiful you are?
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Oh, yes. I've had 15 marriage proposals.
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That's why the general sent me on this trip, to keep me out of trouble.
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Hey, boys. Where's Mom?
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- Bedroom. - Oh, yeah?
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- Honey? - What?
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Are you okay?
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Hey.
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What's wrong?
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The boys.
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Oh.
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Don't let them get to you. They'll be out of the house in 10 years.
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Hey, what did those mean boys do, huh?
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I gave them $30 to buy me something nice, and they spent it all on themselves.
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They don't even care that it's my birthday.
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Oh, well.
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Those boys are gonna hear from me, let me tell you.
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They are gonna get one heck of a talking-to.
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And then, I think I'll go for a drive. I'm just so furious.
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Damn it, damn it, damn it. Her birthday's on the 12th.
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It can't be the-- [gasps] No, no.
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I programmed this stupid watch to remind me that--
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No, no, no.
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You boys are in so much trouble!
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Help me on this.
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I can't believe that you could be so thoughtless!
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We all screwed up really big this time.
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I have a good mind to use the belt on all of you!
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- Why are you yelling at us? - Sorry isn't good enough, mister.
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I forgot your mom's birthday!
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Oh!
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What?
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What?
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What?
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- Hi, Hal. - Craig, what do you want?
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Well, Lois and I had an exchange, and I felt bad,
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so I'm sure she told you all about it.
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No, she didn't say anything. We're in the middle of...
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Well, it's complicated.
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You see, I didn't buy Lois a present even though I wanted to,
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and I thought "this is silly," so I went and got her one, and here it is.
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Oh.
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Great.
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I'll take it in to her right now.
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Oh, such a nice, nice gift.
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Second thought, I can take care of this tomorrow. I'll bring it in to work.
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Wouldn't be any trouble. Really.
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- No, I'd be happy to take it in to her. - Yeah, I'd really hate to put you out.
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Don't be silly.
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Give it.
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Lois, it's Craig! He's stealing your present!
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It's a present that I paid $129 for!
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Honey?
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- Honey, where are you going? - Wherever I want.
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Well, when are you coming home?
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When?
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Whenever somebody in this family gives a damn.
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Happy birthday, Mom!
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This is bad. Mom's never taken off on us like this before.
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Yeah. She usually throws us out.
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You bought candy?
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You don't just...
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It was her...
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If I only had the...
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Stupid watch.
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Candy?
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What were you...
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- What's his problem? - He's not the only one pissed at you.
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What are you talking about?
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I had this great party lined up with this beautiful girl,
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and all I had to do was come home, make an appearance at Mom's birthday,
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be the good son.
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Everything would have been fine, but now my trip home has been tainted.
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In her mind, we're all thoughtless jerks, thanks to you guys.
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- What did we do? - Think about it.
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Mom gave you money to buy her a present, and you spent most of it on candy.
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- And the rest on her presents. - But you spent most of it on candy!
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We've established that. We're just going around in circles here.
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Okay, look. How would you feel if Mom didn't buy you a present?
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- Mom's not buying me a birthday present? - No, that's not what I'm saying.
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But it's my birthday.
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No, it's not.
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Francis, it's Mom. We've never made a big deal out of her birthday.
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Plus, she said she'd be happy with whatever we got her.
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And was she happy?
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Oh, man. We suck.
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Did we make Mom mad?
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No, Dewey, worse.
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You hurt her.
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Okay, I'm lost.
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Ow!
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That's how Mom feels, on the inside.
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- So, what are we supposed to do? - We?
โ†“
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Haven't you been listening? You screwed up. I'm not doing anything.
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I don't know what you're gonna do, and I don't care. I have problems.
โ†“
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I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends,
โ†“
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make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head.
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Come on, Amaani.
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This isn't fair.
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Mom never should have taken us to a store with candy. She set us up!
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Shut up, Reese.
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We blew it.
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We made our own mom run away from home.
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Where do you think she is?
โ†“
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โ™ช Behind every good woman Lies a trail of men โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Don't ask where she's going Don't ask where she's been โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Behind every good woman... โ™ช
โ†“
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Hey, lady, are you gonna hog that cage all day?
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I got news for you. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew.
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I could stay here all week.
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- But we wanna hit. - Yeah, we do.
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- When you getting out? - You want me to get out? I'll get out.
โ†“
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If you do one thing for me. You give me back 15 years of my life.
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Can you do that? Can you reverse time?
โ†“
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Can you take me back to when I was 23,
โ†“
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so I can stay single, go to music school and become a concert violinist?
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Huh?
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No? Okay. Looks like I'm gonna have to keep on batting.
โ†“
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You can't just hog the cage because you're crazy! That's not fair.
โ†“
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You think I'm crazy? I'll show you crazy.
โ†“
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I hope your friend Richie has some place where we can be alone.
โ†“
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You know my mom's gonna end up blaming me for this.
โ†“
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What?
โ†“
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This whole birthday fiasco.
โ†“
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By the time she's done spinning it in her head,
โ†“
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I'll be the one who gave her the crappy presents.
โ†“
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Any chance my mom gets to make my life miserable, she pounces.
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You know, in Mozambique,
โ†“
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talking about your mother this much isn't considered a turn-on.
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Sorry.
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Is Mom ever coming home?
โ†“
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Of course she is. Reese, what are you doing?
โ†“
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Making a list of women for Dad to look into, now that Mom's gone.
โ†“
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Mom's coming back.
โ†“
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Hey, if you wanna be in denial, fine,
โ†“
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but I'm trying to keep Dad from making the same mistake twice.
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It's called being proactive.
โ†“
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Mrs. Larson?
โ†“
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She can cook, and her daughters are nymphos.
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Ask me what she did for my birthday. Just ask.
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- Francis... - Okay. I'm sorry. That is the last time.
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It's out of my mind.
โ†“
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And this next track is a special request to Lois from Hal.
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He loves you and misses you and says if you come back,
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he'll give you that sweet monkey love--
โ†“
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- What are you doing? - Nothing.
โ†“
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This song goes out to a special lady from Craig.
โ†“
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Oh, no.
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What is it?
โ†“
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It's my mom.
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What's she doing at a batting cage?
โ†“
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And why am I surprised by anything she does?
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Don't worry, I am not gonna let her ruin this for us.
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We are going to that party, end of story.
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Damn it.
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Oh, thank God.
โ†“
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She's crushing the ball. How come she didn't teach us how to play baseball?
โ†“
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There's more to hitting than making contact.
โ†“
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So, what do we do now?
โ†“
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โ™ช Happy birthday, dear Timmy โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Happy birthday to you โ™ช
โ†“
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- Blow out the candles. - Hang on there, Timmy.
โ†“
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- What are you doing? - Can I, uh, talk to you for a second?
โ†“
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โ™ช Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you โ™ช
โ†“
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- โ™ช Happy birthday, dear Lois โ™ช - โ™ช Happy birthday, dear Mom โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Happy birthday to you โ™ช
โ†“
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- Happy birthday, honey. - Yeah.
โ†“
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- What are you doing? - What's it look like?
โ†“
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We're celebrating your birthday as a family.
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Who are you?
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- I'm sorry, Mom. - Yeah, me, too.
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Me, too.
โ†“
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Actually, I'm clean on this one.
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- Come home, please? What do we have to do? - A lot.
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I don't wanna be taken for granted anymore.
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If I come back, you guys are gonna make some changes.
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Anything, whatever you want.
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I don't ever wanna have to remind my family that it's my birthday.
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You are so right. It will never happen again.
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And one night a week, I don't fix dinner.
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- Absolutely, done. - No problem.
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And I want dirty laundry in the hamper,
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not on the floor, not over a lampshade, not shoved in some mattress crack!
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- No problem. - In the hamper.
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- It's just that easy, huh? - Yes, it's just that easy.
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Then, why do I even have to ask?
โ†“
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If it's so obvious I need a little human consideration,
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I shouldn't even have to ask.
โ†“
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Oh, jeez, honey, that's never gonna happen.
โ†“
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- What? - We're not smart enough to do that.
โ†“
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Look who you're talking to. You might as well ask us all to be a foot taller.
โ†“
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Sweetie, you're always gonna have to tell us what to do.
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Look at this half-baked celebration. We're at the top of our game.
โ†“
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Honey, the only thing that we're gonna be able to offer you is our total abject
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obedience.
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I know that doesn't sound like much, but if you look at it this way,
โ†“
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our meager abilities are yours completely, 100 percent.
โ†“
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Listen, wide ride, these guys are trying to do something nice. Give them a break.
โ†“
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I'm sorry. Did you just call my wife "wide ride"?
โ†“
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Oh, okay, I get it. You gotta make a big show for--
โ†“
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Now, you are gonna get up and apolo--
โ†“
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All right! Come on!
โ†“
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- Yeah. Good job! - Hit him!
โ†“
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- Come on. - Work the gut.
โ†“
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- Work the inside. - Hands in.
โ†“
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Lead with the left.
โ†“
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Hold this.
โ†“
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- I gotta go. - I know.
โ†“
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- You'll be waiting for me when I'm done? - No. Goodbye.
โ†“
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- Hit him, Dad! - Kill him!
โ†“
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Fight him! Hit him!
โ†“
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โ™ช All my life was a paper โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Once plain, pure and white โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช 'Til you moved with your pen Changing moods now and then โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช 'Til the balance was right โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช And you decorated my life โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช By painting your love โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช All over my heart โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช You decorated my life โ™ช
โ†“
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โ™ช Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh โ™ช