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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E09 — A Woman's Right to Chop

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 9 — A Woman's Right to Chop

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: A Woman's Right to Chop

Air date: November 20, 2019

Director: Pete Chatmon

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

When a trendy new hair salon opens up right next door to Paddy's, Dennis and Frank go on the offensive to stop women from cutting off their hair. Meanwhile, Mac is reunited with his childhood dog Poppins..

Source: TMDB

↓

MAN: Tonight, look upon the evl

tonight

↓

that you did.

↓

ANNOUNCER: A Christmas Carol premieres December 19 at 7:30 on FX.

announcer carol christmas christmas-carol december premieres

↓

ANNOUNCER: FXX presents...

announcer presents

↓

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

philadelphia sunny

↓

DENNIS: My God, for the love of God, there's two more of 'em.

dennis love

↓

FRANK: I mean, it's giving me indigestion.

frank giving

↓

-CHARLIE: Yeah, man. -MAC: I'm tired of looking at it.

charlie looking tired

↓

CHARLIE: And where are they even coming from, dude?

charlie coming

↓

It's that new salonthat opened up down the street.

opened street

↓

I thought it was gonna be good for business,

business

↓

-but this is hard to look at. -DEE: I don't even understand

hard

↓

-why you guys give a shit. -Why do we give a shit?

↓

-Yeah. -These women have mutilated themselves, Dee.

women

↓

It's an abomination.

abomination

↓

Once you go down that road, it's,

road

↓

you... there's no turning back.

turning

↓

It's just, like, the dumbest hat, too, like...

dumbest

↓

A hat? Are you talking about their hair?

hair

↓

That's hair? Oh, my... I thought that was, like,

hair

↓

a little comedy hat or something.

comedy

↓

That's their actual hair... Why would anyone do that?

actual hair

↓

MAC: Wait a second. Poppins?

poppins second

↓

-Oh, shit. -Oh, my God, it's Poppins!

poppins

↓

Poppins! He came back!

poppins

↓

My dog came back!

↓

How the hell is that dog still alive?

alive

↓

Yeah, Mac, why don't you just

↓

put that poor thing out of its misery?

misery poor

↓

Put him down? What, are you crazy?

crazy

↓

This is my dog, Dee. I love him.

love

↓

DEE: Well, he doesn't love you.

love

↓

Comes around every three or four years,

comes four four-years three years

↓

eats a bunch of batteries or whatever,

batteries bunch eats

↓

takes a giant dump on the floor,and then leaves again.

dump floor giant leaves takes

↓

Dee, Poppins comes and goes as he pleases

comes pleases poppins

↓

'cause that's his right as a male.

male

↓

-FRANK: Mm. -Right?

frank

↓

-Women are never gonna get that.-They'll never get it.

women

↓

Yep. We are hunter-gatherers, Dee.

hunter

↓

And if we decide to leave, we're gonna leave.

decide

↓

-Yeah, 'cause that's nature. That's tradition. -That's bullshit.

bullshit nature tradition

↓

Traditional roles are ridiculous,

ridiculous roles traditional

↓

and they're made up by men.

↓

If I want to have a baby and then abandon that baby,

abandon baby

↓

I have the right to do that.

↓

-Oh... -A woman abandoning her child?

abandoning child woman

↓

-DENNIS: Yeah, that's awful, Dee. -FRANK: That's cheap.

awful cheap dennis frank

↓

And it's not natural. You know what I mean?

natural

↓

Like those haircuts. I mean, they...

↓

that's traditionally a man's look.

mans traditionally

↓

Women can't just adopt it.

adopt women

↓

You know? I mean, look, it's one thing

↓

for, like, a 60-year-old art critic to do it,

critic

↓

but, I mean, these are young, sexually viable women

sexually women young

↓

making themselves no longer sexually attractive to me,

attractive longer sexually

↓

and that upsets the natural balance of things.

balance natural

↓

-Mm. -DEE: What? No.

↓

If women want to get short, ugly, lesbian haircuts,

lesbian short ugly women

↓

then they deserve to do that because it's their body

body deserve

↓

and, therefore, their choice.

choice therefore

↓

Oh, you're gonna make it about that?

↓

You know what? Killing babies is wrong, Dee,

babies killing

↓

and God forbids it.

↓

FRANK : Oh, God.

frank

↓

Here comes another one.

another comes

↓

- It's too much!

↓

MAC: I'm telling you, man,

telling

↓

something is wrong with Poppins.

poppins

↓

His belly's all big.I've never seen him so run-down.

seen

↓

I mean, it's not like he's never been sick before.

sick

↓

You remember the time he drank an entire pot of coffee?

coffee drank entire remember

↓

-That wasn't good. -No, this is different, dude.

↓

-Yeah. -This is... Look, check this out.

check

↓

-Oh, yeah. That's not good. -Nothing. Nothing.

↓

-I mean, it's just like...

↓

Where'd you get the air horn?

horn whered

↓

Oh, I-I picked it up at the hardware store

hardware hardware-store picked store

↓

-when you were grabbing coffee.-Yeah.

coffee grabbing

↓

Yeah. Why?

↓

I want to jump-start Poppins's system.

jump start system

↓

You know? But it's not working.Maybe if I do it longer?

longer working

↓

-I'll do it super long, huh? -Uh, you know what?

super

↓

-What if I feed him my coffee, right? -Mm-hmm. Yep.

coffee feed

↓

You blast him with the air horn,a-and that might wake him up.

blast horn might wake

↓

Oh, and maybe I'll scream into the other ear.

scream

↓

Okay, yeah. Give it a whirl.

whirl

↓

Please don't.

↓

Oh, uh, am I not doing it right?

↓

Do you want to give it a go?

↓

Uh, no, I don't. And, yes, you're doing it correctly,

correctly

↓

I just prefer you not feed your dog coffee

coffee feed prefer

↓

and blow an air horn repeatedlyinto its ear canal.

blow canal horn

↓

Hey, look, if that doesn't makethis dog less sleepy,

less sleepy

↓

-nothing's gonna. -Well, to be clear,

clear nothings

↓

uh, sleepiness is not Poppins' problem.

poppins problem

↓

-Oh, no. Is it a tumor?

tumor

↓

If it's not, could you say it in that really funny

funny

↓

Arnold Schwarzenegger voice that's, like, so funny?

arnold funny voice

↓

-: "It's not a tumor." -You know what I mean? And that always, like... Yeah.

tumor

↓

-"It's not a tumor." -It's funny when he says it, too.

funny tumor

↓

Unless it is a tumor,

tumor

↓

-and then it's not gonna be funny. -Is it?

funny

↓

Well, uh, there's good news and there's bad news. Right?

news

↓

Uh, the good news is that Poppins is pregnant.

news poppins pregnant

↓

Wait. Poppins is a girl?

girl poppins

↓

Oh, you didn't know your dog was a female?

female

↓

Oh, nah, I-I could never get underneath that hind leg

underneath

↓

-to check. -You don't want to try to get under Poppins.

check poppins

↓

I mean, one time I tried to give him a belly scratch

belly scratch tried

↓

-and he bit my thumbnail clean off. -He's a monster.

clean monster

↓

-Uh, "she." -Say what now? -Huh?

↓

"She-She's a monster."

monster

↓

I can't believe that Poppins is gonna be a father.

believe father poppins

↓

-A mother. -What?

mother

↓

-A mother? -He is?

mother

↓

Hmm... Okay. Uh, do you two not understand gender?

gender

↓

-No, I mean... -Well,

↓

-we don't really do gender at our bar anymore. -Yeah.

anymore gender

↓

-Mm-hmm. -Like, gender's so, like, old school.

school

↓

-Like, I-I don't identify... -Um, I'm so sorry

identify

↓

to tell you, uh, the bad news,

news

↓

is that given Poppins' advanced age,

advanced given poppins

↓

I'm afraid that she most likelywill not survive the delivery.

afraid delivery survive

↓

-He won't? -Again, she.

↓

And, uh, yeah.

↓

: I-I don't think I've ever seen a dog this old.

seen

↓

It's a miracle that shewas evenable to get pregnant,

miracle pregnant

↓

so when shegives birth,

birth

↓

shewill most likely die.

likely

↓

Well, you got to kill those babies, then.

babies kill

↓

- Uh... -What? Dude, what the hell?

↓

I thought you were all pro-lifeand everything.

↓

I am, but this is different. This affects me.

affects

↓

Uh, I'm so sorry, but we don't perform that procedure here.

perform procedure

↓

We can talk to a, like, a doctor, not a nurse.

doctor nurse

↓

That's a good idea. Do you have any doctors here?

doctors idea

↓

-Let's go. -I'm a...

↓

Let's go. We'll go find a man.

↓

Okay.

↓

DENNIS: Got some information for you.

dennis information

↓

-You're gonna want this information. -Great hair. Keep the hair

hair information

↓

-the way it is. -Very important information, honestly.

information

↓

-Keep your hair the way it is. It's really great. -Yeah.

hair

↓

-Oh. Oh... Hi! -Hi... G-Going the wrong way.

↓

-You going in here to get the... Yeah. -I was.

↓

Check this out: um, uh, did you know

check

↓

that hair only grows about six inches

grows hair inches

↓

over the course of an entire year?

course entire

↓

Did you realize that? Isn't that mind-blowing?

blowing mind realize

↓

-Think about that for a second. You know? -Mm.

second

↓

Here. Grab that for me, if you will.

grab

↓

-Oh, my. -Yeah, it's something else. -You can't get your hair cut.

hair

↓

-You don't want to do that. -Um, now I'll tell you something.

↓

With luxurious locks like yours,it could take, oh,

locks luxurious

↓

-three, four years to grow backto its current length. Yeah.-Yeah, if it ever grows back.

current four four-years grow grows length three three-four years

↓

-Okay. Thanks. -Well, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

second thanks

↓

If that doesn't convince you, there's more. Um...

convince

↓

Listen, are you familiar withthe television series Felicity,

familiar series television

↓

-starring Keri Russell? Yeah. -Yes. Mm-hmm.

russell starring

↓

-Well, this is Keri Russell right here. -Beautiful.

russell

↓

-Look at her.Beautiful. Gorgeous.-Beautiful girl. Yeah, gorgeous.

girl gorgeous

↓

-Yep. -Millions of adoring fans,

fans millions

↓

hit television show, you know,and then she went and did this.

television

↓

-Oh, God. -Yeah.

↓

-Look at that. Oh, God. -What a mess.

mess

↓

-Shocking, isn't it? -Still pretty.

shocking

↓

With this one tragic decision, Keri Russell a-alienated

decision russell tragic

↓

all of her fans, she got her show canceled,

canceled fans

↓

-and, man, she was never heard of ever again.

heard

↓

Yeah, but Keri Russell works all the time.

russell works

↓

Yeah, now, does she still play women?

women

↓

Look, leave me alone, creep.

alone creep

↓

-Probably in a cape or something. -Well, no, no, hold on.

cape

↓

You're about to make a huge mistake, lady.

huge huge-mistake lady mistake

↓

-You don't want to do this. Man.-Hey.-She got in.

↓

-What is this? What are you guys doing? -One got away.

↓

-We let her go.-Well, Dee, we are educatingthe public is what we're doing.

public

↓

-We're trying to help these women. -Oh, my God.

women

↓

Will you please leave these poor women alone?

alone poor women

↓

They're clearly bored and lonelyand-and-and needing

bored needing

↓

to do something extreme in orderto make themselves feel special.

extreme special

↓

Listen. Take this one for example.

example

↓

You don't get a monkey cut like that

monkey

↓

unless you're broken inside.

broken

↓

I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?

↓

No, sweetie, I'm talking about you.

sweetie

↓

I'm using you as an example.

example using

↓

I support your choice to look like whatever kind of primate

choice support

↓

or simian species you choose, because it is your choice.

choice choose species

↓

Okay? You know what?

↓

Go full baboon, girl. I support you.

baboon full girl support

↓

No. Dee, Dee, you're not being rational.

rational

↓

Can you at least acknowledge

acknowledge least

↓

the fact that men should have some say in what women do

fact women

↓

with their hair? I mean, for Christ's sakes,

christs christs-sakes hair sakes

↓

we're the ones that have to look at it all day!

ones

↓

No, Dennis. I won't acknowledge that.

acknowledge dennis

↓

You have no say. In fact, you know what?

fact

↓

-I'm gonna get the haircut.

haircut

↓

Don't do it, Dee. You're gonna,you're gonna look hideous.

hideous

↓

I know I will. I don't havethe face or the body to support

body face support

↓

a haircut like that, but I'm gonna do it anyway,

haircut

↓

because I can.

↓

Because I choose to, and there'snothing you can do about it.

choose

↓

-You don't do it. -Excuse me.

excuse

↓

You do not do it. You go back to the bar.

↓

I command you!

command

↓

Dee.

↓

You're not being serious enough.

serious

↓

-Oh... -One monkey cut, please!

monkey

↓

FRANK: Oh, God.

frank

↓

You... you bitch.

bitch

↓

CHARLIE: Yeah, so,

charlie

↓

what we'd like you to do is killthe dog puppies, if you could.

puppies

↓

: Hey.Don't-don't say "kill," though.

kill

↓

Uh, sorry, murder them, if possible?

murder possible

↓

-Say, uh... Uh, no, say, uh... -Uh, sorry, my friend has a...

friend

↓

-"...terminate the embryos." -To terminate...

↓

-Yeah, so if you could terminatethe puppies' embryos?-Yeah.

puppies

↓

-Yeah. You know what? Come on. Let me just-let me... -Uh-huh. Sorry.

↓

-Hang on one second.My friend wants to talk to you.-Yeah. I'll do it.

friend hang second wants

↓

Yes, hi. Yes, we-we need you to perform this dog abortion,

abortion perform

↓

and if you don't, my dog is gonna die.

↓

And he-he-he's not gonna be able to survive the...

able survive

↓

Yes, I'm-I'm aware that a boy dog can't have puppies.

aware puppies

↓

-What's with this? I... -I... Yes. Look,

↓

it's a little bit confusing because he used to be...

confusing used

↓

Look, there was a transition at some point, all right?

point transition

↓

-He had a sex change.-We see past gender at our bar.

change gender past

↓

And I don't... They hung up.

hung

↓

-That's the tenth one. -You know what?

tenth

↓

The problem is we-we can't get any doctors on the phone.

doctors phone problem

↓

-I know. -You know? You're always talking to a secretary.

secretary

↓

-I know, it's just... -Puts you on the phone with some other female secretary,

female phone secretary

↓

-and it's like...-And honestly, I tune them out,

tune

↓

because I can't... they get so high up in the register.

register

↓

-Yeah.

↓

She's gone too far! She has no idea

gone idea

↓

of the ramifications of what her actions...

actions ramifications

↓

CHARLIE: Whoa. Frankie.

charlie frankie whoa

↓

-Take it easy, buddy. Your valve's getting all worked up.

buddy easy worked

↓

-That's not good.

↓

Hey, your valve's acting up... You know what?

acting

↓

Here, here-- eat some cat food.

food

↓

-Come on, settle down.

settle

↓

You-you got to get that valve down, man.

valve

↓

-You got to calm that down, all right? -Okay...

calm

↓

-Neutralize it out with the cat food. -Let me have it.

food

↓

All right, walk me through what's happening here.

walk

↓

-It's Dee. -Yeah?

↓

Yeah, she's gonna do it. She's gonna cut her hair off.

hair

↓

Dennis... put me in charge...

charge dennis

↓

of making sure she doesn't go through with this madness.

madness

↓

Ooh, Frankie, that valveis bad, man. That is backed up.

backed frankie

↓

-You-you drinking enough beer, bud? -No.

beer drinking

↓

Okay. Let-Let's get you another beer

another another-beer beer

↓

-or something. -Let me have a brew,

brew

↓

and pop me another can of this cat food.

another food

↓

-It's working. -Yeah.

working

↓

We got to settle that valve down, buddy.

buddy settle valve

↓

Hey, Frank,

frank

↓

you know anybody that'll do a dog abortion?

abortion anybody thatll

↓

Yeah, I got a guy.

↓

Yeah. There you go. Take a look.

↓

You seriously want to buy me a car

↓

as long as I don't cut my hair?

hair

↓

Yeah, and we should look at the convertibles.

↓

I want the wind blowing through

blowing wind

↓

those long, beautiful locks of yours.

locks

↓

-This is ridiculous. -No, it's not.

ridiculous

↓

This has nothing to do with a haircut

haircut

↓

and everything to do with you controlling my body.

body controlling

↓

It's got everything to do with a haircut, Deandra.

deandra haircut

↓

Look at this.

↓

What is this?

↓

FRANK: That's me when I was young.

frank young

↓

I was like Samson.

↓

I had hair down to my butt crack.

butt crack hair

↓

I looked like a Greek god.

greek looked

↓

You look like a bridge troll.

bridge troll

↓

Well, the point is, I cut it all off.

point

↓

I-I needed the money and I read an ad...

money needed read

↓

for a toupee company that said they would give good money

company money toupee

↓

for real hair, so I bought in.

bought hair real

↓

But I shaved it all offto the nub. It never grew back.

grew shaved

↓

And-and, plus, when I think about it,

plus

↓

I get a... pain in my stomach

pain stomach

↓

and I... gastronomical.

↓

-Oh, God. -And I burp.

burp

↓

That's not how hair works. Or gastrointestinal tracts.

hair works

↓

I want to show you something else.

↓

What?

↓

FRANK: There it is.

frank

↓

There what is, Frank?

frank

↓

FRANK: That's my old hair.

frank hair

↓

He-He's given it a good home.

given home

↓

He takes care of it.

care takes takes-care

↓

Probably better than I would'vetaken care of it myself.

care

↓

-Wha...? -I come by time to time

↓

to check it out, see how it's doing.

check

↓

DEE: Oh, my God.

↓

FRANK: Ah, here he comes.

comes frank

↓

Don't-don't say anything,

↓

because I don't want to make it feel bad.

↓

-Hey, how are you? -Hey, here's my guy.

↓

-Hi. How you doing? -How you doing, Frankie?

frankie

↓

-Good to see you. -Very nice to see you.

↓

I love this guy. He's bought, like, five cars off of me.

bought cars five love

↓

-You know?-I hope you're using that money

hope money using

↓

for high-end shampoos and conditioners.

conditioners

↓

: S... Always with the shampoo jokes.

jokes shampoo

↓

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -I have no idea what you're talking about.

idea

↓

Uh, so, anyway,you here to buy something today?

today

↓

-Yes. Yeah. -No! No.

↓

I-I... you're not buying me a car, Frank.

buying frank

↓

You can't control me

control

↓

with your cars and your threatsof male pattern

cars male pattern

↓

baldness.

↓

That-that was an unrelated burp.

burp unrelated

↓

I had four beers on the way here, I'll have you know.

beers four four-beers

↓

I'm getting the haircut. I'm getting it.

haircut

↓

Don't do it, Deandra. You'll regret it!

deandra regret

↓

I'm telling you!

telling

↓

What was that all about?

↓

Just trying to save a life.

life save

↓

Oh. The wind's kicking up.

kicking winds

↓

You better get inside. I don't like to see her struggle.

struggle

↓

Okay.

↓

You sure this is the place?

place

↓

Yeah. This is where Frank said to meet the guy, so...

frank meet

↓

-What up? -Oh, hey, Z.

↓

-Hey. -How you doing, man?

↓

-What you boys up to? -MAC: Uh, we're waiting

boys waiting

↓

on a doctor that Frank's hooking us up with.

doctor franks hooking

↓

Yeah, that's me, homie.

homie

↓

-Oh. -You're a doctor?

doctor

↓

Straight up.

straight

↓

Come on. No, you're not.

↓

Bitch, you don't think I'm a doctor?

bitch doctor

↓

I was a medic in Desert Storm.

desert medic storm

↓

I did Doctors Without Borders, I saved mad lives.

borders doctors lives saved

↓

See, you racist. That's what the problem is.

problem racist

↓

I'm so sorry, Z. I didn't have any idea.

idea

↓

-That's impressive, yeah. -Sorry. Sorry.

impressive

↓

: Bitch, I'm just playing with you.

bitch playing

↓

I ain't no motherfucking doctor.

aint doctor motherfucking

↓

-Oh!

↓

-Okay. All right. -: Are you serious?

serious

↓

I do still feel bad, though.

↓

-I feel terrible.-I feel bad, too, because I feel

↓

-like I was exposed. -Lesson learned.

exposed learned lesson

↓

-Lesson learned. That was good.-I was... My racism was exposed.

exposed learned lesson racism

↓

But I do fuck with dogs,

dogs fuck

↓

-so tell me what's up. -Oh, okay. Good.

↓

-So, uh, Poppins is sick. -Right.

poppins sick

↓

Yeah, and there's a bunch of babies in there.

babies bunch

↓

Oh, snap. Okay. Right.

snap

↓

Now, the vet said that if he gives birth, he's gonna die.

birth gives

↓

Oh, so you want me to scoop them babies out

babies scoop

↓

so your dog can die.

↓

-Uh, n-no. The, the opposite, actually. -Okay.

opposite

↓

You want me to scoop them puppies out and chuck 'em

chuck puppies scoop

↓

and then put your dog out its misery.

misery

↓

-Uh, no. No. -No. Uh-uh.

↓

No, uh, we want you to kill the babies

babies kill

↓

and keep this dog alive.

alive

↓

Okay, word. I can get with that.

word

↓

Yeah, is there a version, like, where no dog dies?

dies version

↓

Yo, son, that's hard to tell.

hard

↓

I made dogs make babies,

babies dogs

↓

but I ain't never taken no babies out the dog.

aint babies taken

↓

Oh, you're a breeder.

↓

-Right.-That's why Frank hooked us up.

frank hooked

↓

-Yeah, yeah. I breed dogs. -Nice.

breed dogs

↓

-I groom dogs. I fight dogs. -Nice.

dogs fight groom

↓

-Oh. Mm. -I ain't never abort

abort aint

↓

no dog, but we can get it done.

↓

Poke around in one of them trash cans,

cans poke trash trash-cans

↓

try to find an Allen wrench.

allen wrench

↓

Yeah, I'm starting to think this is a mistake, man.

mistake starting

↓

I don't think he's qualified to do this.

qualified

↓

-But... -Yeah, I-I don't know.

↓

MAC: I don't know what else we're gonna do, man.

↓

I mean, we got to save Poppins.

poppins save

↓

CHARLIE: Oh, shit. Wait. Who's this?

charlie

↓

Oh... Oh, my God.

↓

Wait a second. Charlie...

charlie second second-charlie

↓

I think this is the real Poppins!

poppins real

↓

CHARLIE: That's Poppins, isn't it?

charlie poppins

↓

I was wondering why I didn't have

wondering

↓

to pop this dog's eye back in its socket.

dogs

↓

That dog has a very solid eye. It was very mysterious why...

mysterious solid

↓

Oh, my God. Yeah, look how dirty he is.

dirty

↓

Oh, look. Oh, look at this. He came back.

↓

CHARLIE: He's getting all nose-deep

charlie deep nose

↓

in, uh... in her goodies there, so...

goodies

↓

Oh, my God. Wait a second.

second

↓

Charlie,

charlie

↓

maybe the puppies inside of this dog are Poppins's!

puppies

↓

Oh, my God. Poppins is the dad?

poppins

↓

Yes!

↓

-CHARLIE: Uh... -That is so cute.

charlie cute

↓

-Yeah. -MAC: He came back

↓

-to take care of his family.

care family

↓

He likes to take...Oh, no, he did not. He did not.

likes

↓

-MAC: There he goes. -He wanted the blanket.

blanket wanted

↓

Yeah, he's a survivor. He's gonna

survivor

↓

take what he needs.

needs

↓

CHARLIE: He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Wow.

charlie

↓

-Bye, buddy. -Bye, Poppins!

buddy poppins

↓

All right. See you in a few years.

years

↓

-Mm-hmm.

↓

All right. What are we gonna do

↓

-with this piece of shit? -Mm-hmm.

piece

↓

Listen here, you monster.

monster

↓

Okay, well, if you see her,can you call me? I'm just really

↓

freaking out. It's not like her at all.

freaking

↓

Um...

↓

I'm so sorry. Um, can I help you?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yes. I'm sorry, the...

↓

Your tears were unexpected. I, uh...

tears unexpected

↓

Yeah.

↓

Sometimes I find it very arousing, tears,

arousing sometimes tears

↓

but this time, I wasn't...

↓

I-I wasn't coming in-in that zone.

coming zone

↓

You know what I mean? So, I, uh, was...

↓

I just wasn't ready for it.I was... I was gonna do a th...

ready

↓

I could switch gears, though. You want to do...?

gears switch

↓

We could do a... This could be an arousing thing. I...

arousing

↓

What is happening?

↓

Right. Sorry. Uh...

↓

Yeah, so, no. I... No, I came here with a plan, and, um...

plan

↓

Yes, I'm gonna stick to that plan, so... Sorry.

plan stick

↓

-I'd like a haircut, please. -Oh.

haircut

↓

Yeah, sure. Um, if you can justleave your name and number.

name number

↓

What do you mean "yes"?

↓

-I can... -Sorry. What?

↓

I can make you an appointment ifyou leave your name and number.

appointment name number

↓

-Right on. -And I can

↓

-give you... -You cut men's hair?

hair mens

↓

Yeah. We cut anyone's hair who needs it.

anyones hair needs

↓

Good. As it should be.

↓

-Good. -Yeah.

↓

So...

↓

Are you okay?

↓

You won't outsmart me.

↓

Sorry. I-I...

↓

I thought you were gonna say that you only cut

↓

women's hair, and I was gonna claim discrimination

claim hair womens

↓

to get you shut... it doesn't matter.

matter

↓

I have to admit, you've-you'veput me a bit out of sorts. I...

admit sorts

↓

With the, with the, the tears and the...

tears

↓

arousal and your face and words. I...

arousal face words

↓

Can we start over? Uh...

start

↓

Do you want an appointment?

appointment

↓

No! No.

↓

I-I... Because I don't want a-a-a haircut from a butcher.

butcher haircut

↓

All right? I'm not gonna get butchered

butchered

↓

like you've butchered these poor women's hairs.

butchered hairs poor womens

↓

-Are you insane? -No.

insane

↓

Look, I can be reasonable, okay?

reasonable

↓

I don't expect to save everybody from this,

everybody expect save

↓

but I can save one person, all right?

person save

↓

My sister Deandra Reynolds.

deandra deandra-reynolds reynolds sister

↓

She-she has an appointment here,

appointment

↓

and I want it stricken from the record.

record

↓

-Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. - Look,

↓

you don't understand, okay?

↓

She's... she's my twin sister, all right?

sister twin

↓

Fr-From a genetic standpoint, I mean, her hair is just

genetic hair

↓

as much mine as it is hers, you know what I mean?

↓

I-I-I... I have every right to stop her from killing it.

killing

↓

Okay, I don't know what's going on here,

↓

but I don't have time for this.

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're very busy

busy

↓

destroying young people's lives,aren't you?

destroying lives peoples peoples-lives young

↓

Yeah. Doesn't surprise me it's reduced you to tears.

reduced surprise tears

↓

I'm cryingbecause my dog is lost, asshole.

asshole lost

↓

What's your dog look like?

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

MAC: Well, this all worked out

worked

↓

-pretty well, didn't it? -Yeah, yeah. -Well, yeah.

↓

-I can't believe how quick you gave up Poppins's puppies,

believe puppies quick

↓

though, you know? You didn't even think about keeping 'em.

keeping

↓

Well, that's a lot of responsibility,

responsibility

↓

-Charlie, right? -Yeah, that's true.

charlie

↓

And plus, there's no doggypaternity test to actually prove

plus prove test

↓

that they were Poppy's puppies in the first place.

place puppies

↓

That's true, too.

↓

MAC: You know? But, hey,

↓

if Poppins wants to stop by and say, "What's up?"

poppins wants

↓

and, like, be a dad for while...

↓

-DENNIS: Right. -...he's gonna.

dennis

↓

-Exactly. -Or he won't.

↓

Yeah, that's how I do. That's how I do.

↓

But, guys, seriously, we got to stay vigilant, okay?

vigilant

↓

I mean, yes, we were able to stop Dee

able

↓

from doing something horrible.

horrible

↓

But, you know, we can't restuntil every single woman is free

free single woman

↓

from the choiceof ruining their lives forever.

forever lives lives-forever ruining

↓

-Mm. -So what are we gonna do?

↓

I was thinking we use shame.

shame thinking

↓

-It's a great motivator.

motivator

↓

CHARLIE: Hello... oh, my God!

charlie

↓

-Oh! -Oh!

↓

-Oh! Aah! -Oh, my God!

↓

-Dee, what have you done?! -Yeah. Yeah.

↓

I told you I was gonna get the cut!

↓

-Goddamn it! -Oh.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

But then I went into the salon,and the woman refused to see me.

refused salon woman

↓

She refused, she said,

refused

↓

'cause she was-she was doing some sort of trade

trade

↓

in a dog-kidnapped situation. I don't know.

kidnapped situation

↓

I ended up having to do it all by myself! That's right!

ended having

↓

-Listen, l-listen.

↓

-It looks... terrible. -DEE: I...

↓

-So bad. -I mean, really, really bad.

↓

I know it looks terrible! The scissors were dirty,

dirty scissors

↓

and they weren't even sharp.

sharp

↓

But now it's done. It's done now.

↓

There's no turning back.

turning

↓

What have I done? What have I done?

↓

I've-I've forced my sister into a back-alley chop.

alley chop forced sister

↓

Guys, I think we-we need to realize something.

realize

↓

We're never gonna be able to stop women

able women

↓

from doing whatever the hellthey want with their own bodies.

bodies

↓

-Thank you! -Okay?

↓

And if we can't stop them from making stupid

stupid

↓

and selfish choices, then we need to give them a place

choices place selfish

↓

to go to bestupid and selfish.

selfish

↓

-Thank you. -Where it's safe.

safe

↓

-Yes! -Where they won't do bullshit like this.

bullshit

↓

-It's bullshit! -This is a bullshit haircut!

bullshit haircut

↓

I know!

↓

Okay, guys, here's something else, too.

↓

I don't care about any of this, really, you know?

care

↓

If I'm being honest,I don't care that much, either.

care honest

↓

-Right? -DEE: Oh...

↓

-Like, who gives a shit? -Yeah.

gives

↓

Yeah, I guess I don't really care that much, either.

care

↓

-What?! No, you... No. -I don't know,

↓

it just... it's annoying, but I don't care.

annoying care

↓

We don't really care.

care

↓

Why did you guys makesuch a big deal about it, then?

deal

↓

Well, uh, you know, that's, like, a guy thing.

↓

Well, 'cause we're-we're used to being in charge,

charge used

↓

and we want to make sure that...

↓

You did! You cared! You cared so much,

cared

↓

and then I did it, and now what am I supposed to do?

supposed

↓

-I care. I know what to do. -You do?

care

↓

I got a guy.

↓

-Hey. -FRANK: Oh.

frank

↓

How that wig feel, Dee?

↓

-Really good. -FRANK: Oh.

frank

↓

It feels great. Thank you, Z.

feels

↓

Now, Dee, just rememberthat one day you may get a call

↓

from the woman who gave birth to that hair.

birth hair woman

↓

And, uh, I would consider some visitations.

consider

↓

Nah, she ain't got to worry about that.

aint worry

↓

I groomed that shit off a border collie.

border

↓

Well, then you're good.

↓

Hey. Might be some fleas up in there, but she good.

might

↓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

access access-group captioned group media media-access media-access-group wgbh

↓

Tonight, look upon the evil that you did...

evil tonight

↓

Ebenezer Scrooge.

scrooge

↓

ANNOUNCER: A Christmas Carol premieres December 19 at 7:30 on FX.

announcer carol christmas christmas-carol december premieres