Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E09 — A Woman's Right to Chop

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 9 — A Woman's Right to Chop

MAN: Tonight, look upon the evl

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that you did.

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ANNOUNCER: A Christmas Carol premieres December 19 at 7:30 on FX.

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ANNOUNCER: FXX presents...

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

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DENNIS: My God, for the love of God, there's two more of 'em.

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FRANK: I mean, it's giving me indigestion.

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-CHARLIE: Yeah, man. -MAC: I'm tired of looking at it.

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CHARLIE: And where are they even coming from, dude?

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It's that new salonthat opened up down the street.

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I thought it was gonna be good for business,

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-but this is hard to look at. -DEE: I don't even understand

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-why you guys give a shit. -Why do we give a shit?

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-Yeah. -These women have mutilated themselves, Dee.

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It's an abomination.

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Once you go down that road, it's,

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you... there's no turning back.

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It's just, like, the dumbest hat, too, like...

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A hat? Are you talking about their hair?

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That's hair? Oh, my... I thought that was, like,

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a little comedy hat or something.

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That's their actual hair... Why would anyone do that?

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MAC: Wait a second. Poppins?

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-Oh, shit. -Oh, my God, it's Poppins!

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Poppins! He came back!

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My dog came back!

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How the hell is that dog still alive?

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Yeah, Mac, why don't you just

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put that poor thing out of its misery?

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Put him down? What, are you crazy?

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This is my dog, Dee. I love him.

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DEE: Well, he doesn't love you.

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Comes around every three or four years,

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eats a bunch of batteries or whatever,

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takes a giant dump on the floor,and then leaves again.

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Dee, Poppins comes and goes as he pleases

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'cause that's his right as a male.

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-FRANK: Mm. -Right?

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-Women are never gonna get that.-They'll never get it.

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Yep. We are hunter-gatherers, Dee.

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And if we decide to leave, we're gonna leave.

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-Yeah, 'cause that's nature. That's tradition. -That's bullshit.

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Traditional roles are ridiculous,

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and they're made up by men.

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If I want to have a baby and then abandon that baby,

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I have the right to do that.

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-Oh... -A woman abandoning her child?

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-DENNIS: Yeah, that's awful, Dee. -FRANK: That's cheap.

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And it's not natural. You know what I mean?

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Like those haircuts. I mean, they...

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that's traditionally a man's look.

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Women can't just adopt it.

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You know? I mean, look, it's one thing

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for, like, a 60-year-old art critic to do it,

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but, I mean, these are young, sexually viable women

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making themselves no longer sexually attractive to me,

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and that upsets the natural balance of things.

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-Mm. -DEE: What? No.

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If women want to get short, ugly, lesbian haircuts,

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then they deserve to do that because it's their body

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and, therefore, their choice.

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Oh, you're gonna make it about that?

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You know what? Killing babies is wrong, Dee,

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and God forbids it.

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FRANK : Oh, God.

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Here comes another one.

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- It's too much!

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MAC: I'm telling you, man,

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something is wrong with Poppins.

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His belly's all big.I've never seen him so run-down.

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I mean, it's not like he's never been sick before.

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You remember the time he drank an entire pot of coffee?

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-That wasn't good. -No, this is different, dude.

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-Yeah. -This is... Look, check this out.

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-Oh, yeah. That's not good. -Nothing. Nothing.

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-I mean, it's just like...

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Where'd you get the air horn?

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Oh, I-I picked it up at the hardware store

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-when you were grabbing coffee.-Yeah.

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Yeah. Why?

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I want to jump-start Poppins's system.

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You know? But it's not working.Maybe if I do it longer?

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-I'll do it super long, huh? -Uh, you know what?

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-What if I feed him my coffee, right? -Mm-hmm. Yep.

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You blast him with the air horn,a-and that might wake him up.

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Oh, and maybe I'll scream into the other ear.

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Okay, yeah. Give it a whirl.

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Please don't.

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Oh, uh, am I not doing it right?

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Do you want to give it a go?

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Uh, no, I don't. And, yes, you're doing it correctly,

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I just prefer you not feed your dog coffee

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and blow an air horn repeatedlyinto its ear canal.

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Hey, look, if that doesn't makethis dog less sleepy,

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-nothing's gonna. -Well, to be clear,

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uh, sleepiness is not Poppins' problem.

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-Oh, no. Is it a tumor?

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If it's not, could you say it in that really funny

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Arnold Schwarzenegger voice that's, like, so funny?

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-: "It's not a tumor." -You know what I mean? And that always, like... Yeah.

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-"It's not a tumor." -It's funny when he says it, too.

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Unless it is a tumor,

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-and then it's not gonna be funny. -Is it?

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Well, uh, there's good news and there's bad news. Right?

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Uh, the good news is that Poppins is pregnant.

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Wait. Poppins is a girl?

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Oh, you didn't know your dog was a female?

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Oh, nah, I-I could never get underneath that hind leg

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-to check. -You don't want to try to get under Poppins.

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I mean, one time I tried to give him a belly scratch

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-and he bit my thumbnail clean off. -He's a monster.

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-Uh, "she." -Say what now? -Huh?

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"She-She's a monster."

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I can't believe that Poppins is gonna be a father.

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-A mother. -What?

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-A mother? -He is?

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Hmm... Okay. Uh, do you two not understand gender?

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-No, I mean... -Well,

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-we don't really do gender at our bar anymore. -Yeah.

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-Mm-hmm. -Like, gender's so, like, old school.

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-Like, I-I don't identify... -Um, I'm so sorry

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to tell you, uh, the bad news,

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is that given Poppins' advanced age,

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I'm afraid that she most likelywill not survive the delivery.

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-He won't? -Again, she.

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And, uh, yeah.

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: I-I don't think I've ever seen a dog this old.

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It's a miracle that shewas evenable to get pregnant,

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so when shegives birth,

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shewill most likely die.

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Well, you got to kill those babies, then.

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- Uh... -What? Dude, what the hell?

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I thought you were all pro-lifeand everything.

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I am, but this is different. This affects me.

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Uh, I'm so sorry, but we don't perform that procedure here.

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We can talk to a, like, a doctor, not a nurse.

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That's a good idea. Do you have any doctors here?

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-Let's go. -I'm a...

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Let's go. We'll go find a man.

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Okay.

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DENNIS: Got some information for you.

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-You're gonna want this information. -Great hair. Keep the hair

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-the way it is. -Very important information, honestly.

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-Keep your hair the way it is. It's really great. -Yeah.

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-Oh. Oh... Hi! -Hi... G-Going the wrong way.

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-You going in here to get the... Yeah. -I was.

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Check this out: um, uh, did you know

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that hair only grows about six inches

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over the course of an entire year?

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Did you realize that? Isn't that mind-blowing?

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-Think about that for a second. You know? -Mm.

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Here. Grab that for me, if you will.

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-Oh, my. -Yeah, it's something else. -You can't get your hair cut.

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-You don't want to do that. -Um, now I'll tell you something.

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With luxurious locks like yours,it could take, oh,

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-three, four years to grow backto its current length. Yeah.-Yeah, if it ever grows back.

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-Okay. Thanks. -Well, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

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If that doesn't convince you, there's more. Um...

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Listen, are you familiar withthe television series Felicity,

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-starring Keri Russell? Yeah. -Yes. Mm-hmm.

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-Well, this is Keri Russell right here. -Beautiful.

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-Look at her.Beautiful. Gorgeous.-Beautiful girl. Yeah, gorgeous.

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-Yep. -Millions of adoring fans,

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hit television show, you know,and then she went and did this.

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-Oh, God. -Yeah.

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-Look at that. Oh, God. -What a mess.

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-Shocking, isn't it? -Still pretty.

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With this one tragic decision, Keri Russell a-alienated

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all of her fans, she got her show canceled,

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-and, man, she was never heard of ever again.

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Yeah, but Keri Russell works all the time.

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Yeah, now, does she still play women?

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Look, leave me alone, creep.

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-Probably in a cape or something. -Well, no, no, hold on.

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You're about to make a huge mistake, lady.

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-You don't want to do this. Man.-Hey.-She got in.

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-What is this? What are you guys doing? -One got away.

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-We let her go.-Well, Dee, we are educatingthe public is what we're doing.

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-We're trying to help these women. -Oh, my God.

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Will you please leave these poor women alone?

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They're clearly bored and lonelyand-and-and needing

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to do something extreme in orderto make themselves feel special.

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Listen. Take this one for example.

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You don't get a monkey cut like that

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unless you're broken inside.

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I'm sorry. Are you talking to me?

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No, sweetie, I'm talking about you.

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I'm using you as an example.

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I support your choice to look like whatever kind of primate

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or simian species you choose, because it is your choice.

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Okay? You know what?

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Go full baboon, girl. I support you.

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No. Dee, Dee, you're not being rational.

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Can you at least acknowledge

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the fact that men should have some say in what women do

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with their hair? I mean, for Christ's sakes,

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we're the ones that have to look at it all day!

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No, Dennis. I won't acknowledge that.

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You have no say. In fact, you know what?

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-I'm gonna get the haircut.

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Don't do it, Dee. You're gonna,you're gonna look hideous.

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I know I will. I don't havethe face or the body to support

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a haircut like that, but I'm gonna do it anyway,

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because I can.

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Because I choose to, and there'snothing you can do about it.

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-You don't do it. -Excuse me.

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You do not do it. You go back to the bar.

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I command you!

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Dee.

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You're not being serious enough.

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-Oh... -One monkey cut, please!

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FRANK: Oh, God.

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You... you bitch.

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CHARLIE: Yeah, so,

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what we'd like you to do is killthe dog puppies, if you could.

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: Hey.Don't-don't say "kill," though.

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Uh, sorry, murder them, if possible?

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-Say, uh... Uh, no, say, uh... -Uh, sorry, my friend has a...

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-"...terminate the embryos." -To terminate...

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-Yeah, so if you could terminatethe puppies' embryos?-Yeah.

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-Yeah. You know what? Come on. Let me just-let me... -Uh-huh. Sorry.

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-Hang on one second.My friend wants to talk to you.-Yeah. I'll do it.

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Yes, hi. Yes, we-we need you to perform this dog abortion,

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and if you don't, my dog is gonna die.

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And he-he-he's not gonna be able to survive the...

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Yes, I'm-I'm aware that a boy dog can't have puppies.

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-What's with this? I... -I... Yes. Look,

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it's a little bit confusing because he used to be...

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Look, there was a transition at some point, all right?

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-He had a sex change.-We see past gender at our bar.

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And I don't... They hung up.

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-That's the tenth one. -You know what?

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The problem is we-we can't get any doctors on the phone.

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-I know. -You know? You're always talking to a secretary.

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-I know, it's just... -Puts you on the phone with some other female secretary,

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-and it's like...-And honestly, I tune them out,

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because I can't... they get so high up in the register.

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-Yeah.

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She's gone too far! She has no idea

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of the ramifications of what her actions...

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CHARLIE: Whoa. Frankie.

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-Take it easy, buddy. Your valve's getting all worked up.

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-That's not good.

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Hey, your valve's acting up... You know what?

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Here, here-- eat some cat food.

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-Come on, settle down.

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You-you got to get that valve down, man.

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-You got to calm that down, all right? -Okay...

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-Neutralize it out with the cat food. -Let me have it.

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All right, walk me through what's happening here.

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-It's Dee. -Yeah?

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Yeah, she's gonna do it. She's gonna cut her hair off.

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Dennis... put me in charge...

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of making sure she doesn't go through with this madness.

#254

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Ooh, Frankie, that valveis bad, man. That is backed up.

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-You-you drinking enough beer, bud? -No.

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Okay. Let-Let's get you another beer

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-or something. -Let me have a brew,

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and pop me another can of this cat food.

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-It's working. -Yeah.

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We got to settle that valve down, buddy.

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Hey, Frank,

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you know anybody that'll do a dog abortion?

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Yeah, I got a guy.

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Yeah. There you go. Take a look.

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You seriously want to buy me a car

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as long as I don't cut my hair?

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Yeah, and we should look at the convertibles.

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I want the wind blowing through

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those long, beautiful locks of yours.

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-This is ridiculous. -No, it's not.

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This has nothing to do with a haircut

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and everything to do with you controlling my body.

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It's got everything to do with a haircut, Deandra.

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Look at this.

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What is this?

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FRANK: That's me when I was young.

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I was like Samson.

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I had hair down to my butt crack.

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I looked like a Greek god.

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You look like a bridge troll.

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Well, the point is, I cut it all off.

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I-I needed the money and I read an ad...

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for a toupee company that said they would give good money

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for real hair, so I bought in.

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But I shaved it all offto the nub. It never grew back.

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And-and, plus, when I think about it,

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I get a... pain in my stomach

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and I... gastronomical.

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-Oh, God. -And I burp.

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That's not how hair works. Or gastrointestinal tracts.

#291

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I want to show you something else.

#292

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What?

#293

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FRANK: There it is.

#294

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There what is, Frank?

#295

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FRANK: That's my old hair.

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He-He's given it a good home.

#297

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He takes care of it.

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Probably better than I would'vetaken care of it myself.

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-Wha...? -I come by time to time

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to check it out, see how it's doing.

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DEE: Oh, my God.

#302

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FRANK: Ah, here he comes.

#303

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Don't-don't say anything,

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because I don't want to make it feel bad.

#305

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-Hey, how are you? -Hey, here's my guy.

#306

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-Hi. How you doing? -How you doing, Frankie?

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-Good to see you. -Very nice to see you.

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I love this guy. He's bought, like, five cars off of me.

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-You know?-I hope you're using that money

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for high-end shampoos and conditioners.

#311

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: S... Always with the shampoo jokes.

#312

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-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -I have no idea what you're talking about.

#313

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Uh, so, anyway,you here to buy something today?

#314

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-Yes. Yeah. -No! No.

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I-I... you're not buying me a car, Frank.

#316

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You can't control me

#317

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with your cars and your threatsof male pattern

#318

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baldness.

#319

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That-that was an unrelated burp.

#320

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I had four beers on the way here, I'll have you know.

#321

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I'm getting the haircut. I'm getting it.

#322

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Don't do it, Deandra. You'll regret it!

#323

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I'm telling you!

#324

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What was that all about?

#325

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Just trying to save a life.

#326

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Oh. The wind's kicking up.

#327

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You better get inside. I don't like to see her struggle.

#328

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Okay.

#329

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You sure this is the place?

#330

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Yeah. This is where Frank said to meet the guy, so...

#331

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-What up? -Oh, hey, Z.

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-Hey. -How you doing, man?

#333

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-What you boys up to? -MAC: Uh, we're waiting

#334

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on a doctor that Frank's hooking us up with.

#335

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Yeah, that's me, homie.

#336

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-Oh. -You're a doctor?

#337

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Straight up.

#338

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Come on. No, you're not.

#339

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Bitch, you don't think I'm a doctor?

#340

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I was a medic in Desert Storm.

#341

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I did Doctors Without Borders, I saved mad lives.

#342

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See, you racist. That's what the problem is.

#343

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I'm so sorry, Z. I didn't have any idea.

#344

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-That's impressive, yeah. -Sorry. Sorry.

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: Bitch, I'm just playing with you.

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I ain't no motherfucking doctor.

#347

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-Oh!

#348

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-Okay. All right. -: Are you serious?

#349

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I do still feel bad, though.

#350

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-I feel terrible.-I feel bad, too, because I feel

#351

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-like I was exposed. -Lesson learned.

#352

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-Lesson learned. That was good.-I was... My racism was exposed.

#353

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But I do fuck with dogs,

#354

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-so tell me what's up. -Oh, okay. Good.

#355

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-So, uh, Poppins is sick. -Right.

#356

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Yeah, and there's a bunch of babies in there.

#357

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Oh, snap. Okay. Right.

#358

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Now, the vet said that if he gives birth, he's gonna die.

#359

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Oh, so you want me to scoop them babies out

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so your dog can die.

#361

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-Uh, n-no. The, the opposite, actually. -Okay.

#362

⇓

You want me to scoop them puppies out and chuck 'em

#363

⇓

and then put your dog out its misery.

#364

⇓

-Uh, no. No. -No. Uh-uh.

#365

⇓

No, uh, we want you to kill the babies

#366

⇓

and keep this dog alive.

#367

⇓

Okay, word. I can get with that.

#368

⇓

Yeah, is there a version, like, where no dog dies?

#369

⇓

Yo, son, that's hard to tell.

#370

⇓

I made dogs make babies,

#371

⇓

but I ain't never taken no babies out the dog.

#372

⇓

Oh, you're a breeder.

#373

⇓

-Right.-That's why Frank hooked us up.

#374

⇓

-Yeah, yeah. I breed dogs. -Nice.

#375

⇓

-I groom dogs. I fight dogs. -Nice.

#376

⇓

-Oh. Mm. -I ain't never abort

#377

⇓

no dog, but we can get it done.

#378

⇓

Poke around in one of them trash cans,

#379

⇓

try to find an Allen wrench.

#380

⇓

Yeah, I'm starting to think this is a mistake, man.

#381

⇓

I don't think he's qualified to do this.

#382

⇓

-But... -Yeah, I-I don't know.

#383

⇓

MAC: I don't know what else we're gonna do, man.

#384

⇓

I mean, we got to save Poppins.

#385

⇓

CHARLIE: Oh, shit. Wait. Who's this?

#386

⇓

Oh... Oh, my God.

#387

⇓

Wait a second. Charlie...

#388

⇓

I think this is the real Poppins!

#389

⇓

CHARLIE: That's Poppins, isn't it?

#390

⇓

I was wondering why I didn't have

#391

⇓

to pop this dog's eye back in its socket.

#392

⇓

That dog has a very solid eye. It was very mysterious why...

#393

⇓

Oh, my God. Yeah, look how dirty he is.

#394

⇓

Oh, look. Oh, look at this. He came back.

#395

⇓

CHARLIE: He's getting all nose-deep

#396

⇓

in, uh... in her goodies there, so...

#397

⇓

Oh, my God. Wait a second.

#398

⇓

Charlie,

#399

⇓

maybe the puppies inside of this dog are Poppins's!

#400

⇓

Oh, my God. Poppins is the dad?

#401

⇓

Yes!

#402

⇓

-CHARLIE: Uh... -That is so cute.

#403

⇓

-Yeah. -MAC: He came back

#404

⇓

-to take care of his family.

#405

⇓

He likes to take...Oh, no, he did not. He did not.

#406

⇓

-MAC: There he goes. -He wanted the blanket.

#407

⇓

Yeah, he's a survivor. He's gonna

#408

⇓

take what he needs.

#409

⇓

CHARLIE: He's gonna do what he's gonna do. Wow.

#410

⇓

-Bye, buddy. -Bye, Poppins!

#411

⇓

All right. See you in a few years.

#412

⇓

-Mm-hmm.

#413

⇓

All right. What are we gonna do

#414

⇓

-with this piece of shit? -Mm-hmm.

#415

⇓

Listen here, you monster.

#416

⇓

Okay, well, if you see her,can you call me? I'm just really

#417

⇓

freaking out. It's not like her at all.

#418

⇓

Um...

#419

⇓

I'm so sorry. Um, can I help you?

#420

⇓

Yeah.

#421

⇓

Yes. I'm sorry, the...

#422

⇓

Your tears were unexpected. I, uh...

#423

⇓

Yeah.

#424

⇓

Sometimes I find it very arousing, tears,

#425

⇓

but this time, I wasn't...

#426

⇓

I-I wasn't coming in-in that zone.

#427

⇓

You know what I mean? So, I, uh, was...

#428

⇓

I just wasn't ready for it.I was... I was gonna do a th...

#429

⇓

I could switch gears, though. You want to do...?

#430

⇓

We could do a... This could be an arousing thing. I...

#431

⇓

What is happening?

#432

⇓

Right. Sorry. Uh...

#433

⇓

Yeah, so, no. I... No, I came here with a plan, and, um...

#434

⇓

Yes, I'm gonna stick to that plan, so... Sorry.

#435

⇓

-I'd like a haircut, please. -Oh.

#436

⇓

Yeah, sure. Um, if you can justleave your name and number.

#437

⇓

What do you mean "yes"?

#438

⇓

-I can... -Sorry. What?

#439

⇓

I can make you an appointment ifyou leave your name and number.

#440

⇓

-Right on. -And I can

#441

⇓

-give you... -You cut men's hair?

#442

⇓

Yeah. We cut anyone's hair who needs it.

#443

⇓

Good. As it should be.

#444

⇓

-Good. -Yeah.

#445

⇓

So...

#446

⇓

Are you okay?

#447

⇓

You won't outsmart me.

#448

⇓

Sorry. I-I...

#449

⇓

I thought you were gonna say that you only cut

#450

⇓

women's hair, and I was gonna claim discrimination

#451

⇓

to get you shut... it doesn't matter.

#452

⇓

I have to admit, you've-you'veput me a bit out of sorts. I...

#453

⇓

With the, with the, the tears and the...

#454

⇓

arousal and your face and words. I...

#455

⇓

Can we start over? Uh...

#456

⇓

Do you want an appointment?

#457

⇓

No! No.

#458

⇓

I-I... Because I don't want a-a-a haircut from a butcher.

#459

⇓

All right? I'm not gonna get butchered

#460

⇓

like you've butchered these poor women's hairs.

#461

⇓

-Are you insane? -No.

#462

⇓

Look, I can be reasonable, okay?

#463

⇓

I don't expect to save everybody from this,

#464

⇓

but I can save one person, all right?

#465

⇓

My sister Deandra Reynolds.

#466

⇓

She-she has an appointment here,

#467

⇓

and I want it stricken from the record.

#468

⇓

-Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. - Look,

#469

⇓

you don't understand, okay?

#470

⇓

She's... she's my twin sister, all right?

#471

⇓

Fr-From a genetic standpoint, I mean, her hair is just

#472

⇓

as much mine as it is hers, you know what I mean?

#473

⇓

I-I-I... I have every right to stop her from killing it.

#474

⇓

Okay, I don't know what's going on here,

#475

⇓

but I don't have time for this.

#476

⇓

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're very busy

#477

⇓

destroying young people's lives,aren't you?

#478

⇓

Yeah. Doesn't surprise me it's reduced you to tears.

#479

⇓

I'm cryingbecause my dog is lost, asshole.

#480

⇓

What's your dog look like?

#481

⇓

Oh, shit.

#482

⇓

MAC: Well, this all worked out

#483

⇓

-pretty well, didn't it? -Yeah, yeah. -Well, yeah.

#484

⇓

-I can't believe how quick you gave up Poppins's puppies,

#485

⇓

though, you know? You didn't even think about keeping 'em.

#486

⇓

Well, that's a lot of responsibility,

#487

⇓

-Charlie, right? -Yeah, that's true.

#488

⇓

And plus, there's no doggypaternity test to actually prove

#489

⇓

that they were Poppy's puppies in the first place.

#490

⇓

That's true, too.

#491

⇓

MAC: You know? But, hey,

#492

⇓

if Poppins wants to stop by and say, "What's up?"

#493

⇓

and, like, be a dad for while...

#494

⇓

-DENNIS: Right. -...he's gonna.

#495

⇓

-Exactly. -Or he won't.

#496

⇓

Yeah, that's how I do. That's how I do.

#497

⇓

But, guys, seriously, we got to stay vigilant, okay?

#498

⇓

I mean, yes, we were able to stop Dee

#499

⇓

from doing something horrible.

#500

⇓

But, you know, we can't restuntil every single woman is free

#501

⇓

from the choiceof ruining their lives forever.

#502

⇓

-Mm. -So what are we gonna do?

#503

⇓

I was thinking we use shame.

#504

⇓

-It's a great motivator.

#505

⇓

CHARLIE: Hello... oh, my God!

#506

⇓

-Oh! -Oh!

#507

⇓

-Oh! Aah! -Oh, my God!

#508

⇓

-Dee, what have you done?! -Yeah. Yeah.

#509

⇓

I told you I was gonna get the cut!

#510

⇓

-Goddamn it! -Oh.

#511

⇓

But then I went into the salon,and the woman refused to see me.

#512

⇓

She refused, she said,

#513

⇓

'cause she was-she was doing some sort of trade

#514

⇓

in a dog-kidnapped situation. I don't know.

#515

⇓

I ended up having to do it all by myself! That's right!

#516

⇓

-Listen, l-listen.

#517

⇓

-It looks... terrible. -DEE: I...

#518

⇓

-So bad. -I mean, really, really bad.

#519

⇓

I know it looks terrible! The scissors were dirty,

#520

⇓

and they weren't even sharp.

#521

⇓

But now it's done. It's done now.

#522

⇓

There's no turning back.

#523

⇓

What have I done? What have I done?

#524

⇓

I've-I've forced my sister into a back-alley chop.

#525

⇓

Guys, I think we-we need to realize something.

#526

⇓

We're never gonna be able to stop women

#527

⇓

from doing whatever the hellthey want with their own bodies.

#528

⇓

-Thank you! -Okay?

#529

⇓

And if we can't stop them from making stupid

#530

⇓

and selfish choices, then we need to give them a place

#531

⇓

to go to bestupid and selfish.

#532

⇓

-Thank you. -Where it's safe.

#533

⇓

-Yes! -Where they won't do bullshit like this.

#534

⇓

-It's bullshit! -This is a bullshit haircut!

#535

⇓

I know!

#536

⇓

Okay, guys, here's something else, too.

#537

⇓

I don't care about any of this, really, you know?

#538

⇓

If I'm being honest,I don't care that much, either.

#539

⇓

-Right? -DEE: Oh...

#540

⇓

-Like, who gives a shit? -Yeah.

#541

⇓

Yeah, I guess I don't really care that much, either.

#542

⇓

-What?! No, you... No. -I don't know,

#543

⇓

it just... it's annoying, but I don't care.

#544

⇓

We don't really care.

#545

⇓

Why did you guys makesuch a big deal about it, then?

#546

⇓

Well, uh, you know, that's, like, a guy thing.

#547

⇓

Well, 'cause we're-we're used to being in charge,

#548

⇓

and we want to make sure that...

#549

⇓

You did! You cared! You cared so much,

#550

⇓

and then I did it, and now what am I supposed to do?

#551

⇓

-I care. I know what to do. -You do?

#552

⇓

I got a guy.

#553

⇓

-Hey. -FRANK: Oh.

#554

⇓

How that wig feel, Dee?

#555

⇓

-Really good. -FRANK: Oh.

#556

⇓

It feels great. Thank you, Z.

#557

⇓

Now, Dee, just rememberthat one day you may get a call

#558

⇓

from the woman who gave birth to that hair.

#559

⇓

And, uh, I would consider some visitations.

#560

⇓

Nah, she ain't got to worry about that.

#561

⇓

I groomed that shit off a border collie.

#562

⇓

Well, then you're good.

#563

⇓

Hey. Might be some fleas up in there, but she good.

#564

⇓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

#565

⇓

Tonight, look upon the evil that you did...

#566

⇓

Ebenezer Scrooge.

#567

⇓

ANNOUNCER: A Christmas Carol premieres December 19 at 7:30 on FX.

#568

⇓