Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E08 — Paddy's Has a Jumper

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 8 — Paddy's Has a Jumper

But Miss Covington does not govern the lady of the house.

#1

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If you'll have me as your husband,

#2

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that is what you shall be.

#3

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- Whoa! - What?

#4

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Oh, my God. I did not see that coming.

#5

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Well, no... I mean, Lord Davenforth

#6

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and Anna the scullery maid?

#7

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I mean, that's... it's kind of scandalous, really.

#8

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- Kind of scandalous? - Yeah.

#9

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I usually hate this old-time British crap.

#10

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- Oh, yeah. - You know? But, like,

#11

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this-this show is amazing.

#12

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- Yeah. - It's good. It's...

#13

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They actually knew that you would love it 'cause of the algorithm.

#14

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The... the what?

#15

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The-the algorithm.

#16

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Yeah, all of our previously-watched shows,

#17

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they go into a data bank, so they can accurately predict

#18

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which shows you'll love moving forward.

#19

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So they knew what was gonna happen.

#20

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See, the algorithm, it takes thinking

#21

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- out of the equation, basically. - Hmm.

#22

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Well, that's because math and computers can think

#23

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better for us than we can think for ourselves.

#24

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Yeah... ooh, shut up, shut up.

#25

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I-It's decided we're watching another one.

#26

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Ah, I love that it does that, too.

#27

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Another thing I don't have to think about.

#28

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You know what I mean? I-I...

#29

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What I am thinking about, though, is the fish and chips.

#30

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The fish and chips.

#31

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- These snacks aren't cutting it. - Where's Frank?

#32

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- I want substance. Where is Frank? - Need something hearty.

#33

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- He supposed to be here... - It is weird how, when

#34

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you watch stuff like this,

#35

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you feel like you want to eat like the British.

#36

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Constantly want to eat like...

#37

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Cop! Cop!

#38

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- All right, fine. - I'm filming this!

#39

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- Hey, hey, hey. Calm down! - I didn't do it...

#40

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I came in to tell you there's a suicidal man on the roof.

#41

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He's threatening to jump.

#42

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We have nothing to do with that!

#43

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Right. Well, the police are handling it,

#44

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but I need you to sit tight.

#45

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No one can enter or exit the building

#46

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until the situation is resolved.

#47

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- Oh... - Okay. Thank you, ma'am.

#48

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- Thank you for your service. - Yeah, we love,

#49

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- we love the police. - Go blue.

#50

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Blue-Blue Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter.

#51

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Sh-Shit, man. You guys know what this means, right?

#52

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What?

#53

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We're not gonna get our fish and chips.

#54

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Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

#55

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Shifting gears now, we have reports

#56

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of a developing situation at Paddy's Pub.

#57

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- Oh, that's us. There we are. - Hey. All right, there we go.

#58

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- We're on TV. Oh, my God. - That's our bar.

#59

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A man by the name of Bryan O'Brien

#60

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is threatening to jump off the roof.

#61

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"Bryan O'Brien".

#62

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I'd kill myself, too,

#63

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if I had that clown's name.

#64

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You literally have the name of a clown.

#65

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- That's true, you do. - All right, you know what?

#66

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This is moving a little too slow for me.

#67

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Let's-let's-let's click it back

#68

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- over to the show, yeah? - Yeah!

#69

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Uh, whoa, h-hold on a second, Dennis.

#70

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Uh, this guy's gonna commit suicide off of our roof.

#71

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I mean, shouldn't we do something?

#72

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- Us? - Us do something?

#73

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- Why would we...? - The cops are handling it.

#74

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- Yeah. - Well, yeah, but I mean, look,

#75

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if he actually goes through with it, that's a mortal sin.

#76

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I mean, maybe God is testing us.

#77

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He's not gonna do anything. This is a classic cry for help.

#78

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If the guy actually wanted to off himself,

#79

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he'd hop into a warm bath and he'd do the old...

#80

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You know? North, south.

#81

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- Hmm? - Hmm?

#82

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He'd go "down the road" instead of "across the street".

#83

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You know what I mean?

#84

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- I don't know what you mean. - I have no idea what you mean.

#85

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The proper way to slit your wrist is take a knife

#86

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and, ideally, you go from metacarpal straight to bicep,

#87

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connecting with the artery

#88

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- the entire time. - Oh, man.

#89

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- Oh, you've done research. - Ugh.

#90

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- That is the most pathetic thing, Dee. - No, I... I-I'm not talking...

#91

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we're not talking about me. We're talking about him.

#92

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- Are we not? I think we're... - We are now.

#93

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Okay, you know what? The point is, I'm just saying,

#94

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the man has no intention of offing himself, all right?

#95

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- This is a pathetic attention grab. - Yeah, well,

#96

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it-it doesn't matter if he wants do or he doesn't want to.

#97

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He's not gonna die falling from that height.

#98

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Whoa. Hard disagree, pal.

#99

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You could absolutely die if you jump from that height.

#100

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What? Dude, it's like three stories.

#101

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It's like basic science, you know, like...

#102

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Uh, oh, I'm sorry. Let's not bring science into it.

#103

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Okay? I mean, this is life or death.

#104

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This is God's territory.

#105

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All right? I mean, there is no science.

#106

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- All right. - What do you mean...

#107

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What do you mean "there is no science"?

#108

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I mean, you were just talking about how much you love

#109

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science and math for predicting your television shows.

#110

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The... wh-why do you not like it in this scenario?

#111

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Like, uh... do you either believe in science

#112

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or you do not believe in science?

#113

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I am an American! I can believe in whatever I want...

#114

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- I am also an American. Okay, though? - ...in any given moment

#115

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based on what the argument I'm trying to make.

#116

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- That is not an argument. - Okay? You are not

#117

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a true American, Charlie.

#118

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I'm more American than

#119

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- you will ever be! - You s...

#120

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Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Simmer down, guys.

#121

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S... just simmer down, calm down.

#122

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All right? Dee, stop being so emotional.

#123

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Okay? So, guys,

#124

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I think I have a way that we can solve this argument

#125

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without human emotion mucking it all up.

#126

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What we need is an algorithm.

#127

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Now, guys, we are living in a data-driven world, are we not?

#128

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Yeah!

#129

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So this is my Behavioral Predictor algorithm.

#130

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- Oh. There's words. Okay. - Mm.

#131

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- So, first we have: "Could he?" - No way, uh-uh.

#132

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- Then "Would he?" - Nah. Cry for help.

#133

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- Mm-hmm. - And "Should we?"

#134

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- Yes. - Guys, please.

#135

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Shut the hell up!

#136

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I don't need your opinions.

#137

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Okay? 'Cause based on the analytical conclusions

#138

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that we draw here, we're gonna be able to come up

#139

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with a mathematically-accurate, non-emotional answer

#140

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to all of our questions.

#141

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Okay? We just need to think like a computer.

#142

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- Oh... - Oh.

#143

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Like a computer does.

#144

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- I-I'm getting it now. - Okay.

#145

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Exactly. So why don't we start with "Could he?" Charlie?

#146

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- Okay, great. - Do the thing.

#147

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All right. So, what we have here

#148

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is I made a little Paddy's Pub.

#149

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- All right. - Ah.

#150

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And-and you got the, uh, the jumper?

#151

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Uh, I do. I do.

#152

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Uh, luckily I brought an egg to work today.

#153

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- Oh! Look at that guy. - All right, so when the guys falls,

#154

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we'll be able to tell, based on the breakage,

#155

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what would happen to the jumper when...

#156

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- I think he's gonna smash. - Y-Yeah, okay.

#157

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- Here we go. - So, he's up here

#158

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and he's saying, "Oh,

#159

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- I feel so sad. Life is so..." - Oh, yeah.

#160

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Oh.

#161

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Yeah, Dee, what would you say in this situation?

#162

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Well, I don't think

#163

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he's sad, I think he's happy to get off this merry-go-round.

#164

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Oh, my God.

#165

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- That's so pathetic. - I'd never... I would never...

#166

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That you would know that.

#167

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- You've thought about it. - You asked me a...

#168

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- You had that in the chamber. - I'm talking about the egg.

#169

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- Here he goes. "Goodbye, world". - Goodbye.

#170

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- Oh. - Okay.

#171

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So I think he'll break a leg, but, you know...

#172

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- Mm-hmm. - ...he'll be okay.

#173

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Hmm.

#174

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If I'm being honest, I was hoping his entire skull

#175

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- would just explode. - Right.

#176

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I think we all were, Mac. We were hoping

#177

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- for a bit of an explosion. Yeah. - Uh-huh.

#178

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Yeah, but I think what we learned is that there's no way

#179

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that the jumper's gonna die from this height.

#180

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You know? So there's no reason for us to do anything about it.

#181

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Uh, I don't know about that, b... I think the problem is, is that,

#182

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you know, an egg, i-in this particular case,

#183

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a-a hard-boiled egg, it's not really

#184

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an accurate representation of-of the human head

#185

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- and how it would behave under a fall. - Yeah, that's true.

#186

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Now, Charlie,

#187

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do you happen to ha... I know you've got more eggs...

#188

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- Yeah... - Do you happen

#189

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to have an uncooked one?

#190

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Ugh. No. Unfortunately, that was the only one I found.

#191

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Found? What does that mean?

#192

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Goddamn it, Dee, are you eating my egg?

#193

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Well, yeah. I got hungry.

#194

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- Oh... - Uh, we never got our fish and chips.

#195

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You bitch. That was the only one in the nest.

#196

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Nest? What? Charlie, where did you get this egg?

#197

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- Where'd you get the egg? - And why are you going around

#198

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stealing eggs from goddamn nests in trees?

#199

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Well, it wasn't in-in a tree, it was in a hole.

#200

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- Oh, no... - Yeah. I mean,

#201

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it's, like, a rat's egg or something.

#202

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Can we get back to the task at hand here? All right?

#203

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Okay.

#204

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Dee's eaten some sort of a rat or a reptile's egg...

#205

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...of some kind,

#206

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- or whatever it is, but... - Yeah.

#207

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...either way, we got to find something

#208

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that accurately represents the human head, all right?

#209

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Otherwise, we're not gonna get the explosion that we want.

#210

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Oh, you know what, I might be able to get

#211

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Frank's secret casaba melon.

#212

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Mmm. Hmm?

#213

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Why does Frank keep a casaba melon in the safe?

#214

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Hmm? I don't know, but he flips out

#215

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if I go anywhere near the thing.

#216

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Has he cut a hole in the rind,

#217

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and then put it back on, like a plug?

#218

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- Oh, yeah. - Oh.

#219

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- Yeah, there's a little... - You guys think he's

#220

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having sex with it?

#221

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- Well... yeah. - He's definitely having sex with it.

#222

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Oh, that's...

#223

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Prob-Probably is.

#224

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- Yeah. - Probably is.

#225

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- Yeah. - Hello.

#226

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Hey, guess what.

#227

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There's a guy stuck on the roof of Paddy's.

#228

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Oh, no, he's not stuck, he's a jumper.

#229

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A jumper? You think you could die from that height?

#230

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Uh, well, inconclusive. Yeah.

#231

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We'll have an answer for you on that real soon.

#232

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Speaking of which, we need your casaba melon.

#233

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We're gonna run a smash test on it.

#234

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Whoa, hold it. What, what, what?

#235

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Stay away from my stuff.

#236

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Don't put your hands near my casaba.

#237

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Yeah, hey, man, why do you have a-a casaba melon in a safe?

#238

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You-you banging it?

#239

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It's none of your goddamn business, Dennis.

#240

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- None of your goddamn business! - Banging it.

#241

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- Yeah. - Yeah.

#242

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Damn it, I got to get in there.

#243

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Damn it.

#244

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Dennis is touching my melon.

#245

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No. I got to get in there.

#246

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Sir, move back. This area's cordoned off.

#247

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There's a jumper on the roof.

#248

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You don't understand. It's my son.

#249

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He's gonna do something really stupid.

#250

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I got to get in there.

#251

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Oh, your son?

#252

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- Yeah. - Come with me, sir.

#253

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- Okay. - Step aside, please.

#254

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Ladies and gentlemen, please keep a safe distance

#255

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- around the perimeter. - All right, here we go.

#256

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Oh, okay, now, I think this is finally gonna give us

#257

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that explosion we've been craving.

#258

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Well, yeah. Now, if we see splatter,

#259

⇓

that's gonna prove that he could die by jumping, so yeah.

#260

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Okay, ready? Here we go. Five...

#261

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Four, three,

#262

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two, one, ho...

#263

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- Cricket! - Cricket!

#264

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- Cricket. - Where did you come from?

#265

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I was up on the roof getting eggs from a nest.

#266

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What the hell? Come on, man.

#267

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Yeah, yeah, well,

#268

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I checked the hole, but it was empty.

#269

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- Oh, I got the one in the hole. - The hole.

#270

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Hey, you know that you guys have a guy up on your roof?

#271

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- Yeah, we know. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

#272

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There's a guy, there's a jumper.

#273

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Guys, why the hell are you wasting

#274

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a perfectly good casaba melon?

#275

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We're trying to figure out if the guy could die

#276

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from falling off our roof, so...

#277

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Oh, no way. No.

#278

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I've fallen off buildings before; I never die.

#279

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And look at me. I'm doing great.

#280

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Yeah, but you're not really a trustworthy

#281

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control group, Cricket.

#282

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I mean, you know, you're sort of subhuman

#283

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at this point, you know.

#284

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- For sure. - I don't know how

#285

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to squeeze that one into the algorithm.

#286

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Hey, I'm just going to, uh, take the casaba and head on out.

#287

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No, you're not, Cricket.

#288

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- Get out of here, street rat. - Go!

#289

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- Get out! Go. - Fine.

#290

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Go get high in the bathroom, or whatever.

#291

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Cricket actually just made me realize something.

#292

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We already have data for this situation.

#293

⇓

Maureen Ponderosa.

#294

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Now, she died from falling off a much shorter building.

#295

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- Yeah, but you pushed her. - No, no, no, they never proved that.

#296

⇓

That was never proven.

#297

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It was never even proven that she was pushed. Okay?

#298

⇓

But it was, I have to say, fortunate

#299

⇓

that she landed on her head, you know.

#300

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Or at least he certainly made it look that way.

#301

⇓

- He pushed her. - Yeah, he pushed her.

#302

⇓

No, I was following your threads.

#303

⇓

Come on, you guys are nuts, all right.

#304

⇓

Li-Listen, the point is, it's all about

#305

⇓

how this guy falls, okay.

#306

⇓

'Cause if he falls feet first, he might break a couple bones,

#307

⇓

sure, but he-he'll be fine,

#308

⇓

he'll survive, you know what I mean?

#309

⇓

That'd be more of a cry for help, right?

#310

⇓

- Wouldn't you say, Dee? - Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

#311

⇓

- So sad that you know that. - Stop!

#312

⇓

But if the guy falls head first, now that'd be a death jump.

#313

⇓

Right? So the answer to the question

#314

⇓

"could he die from jumping?"

#315

⇓

Yeah, absolutely, if he did a death jump.

#316

⇓

Okay, you're right. It's how he falls.

#317

⇓

Exactly, exactly. But the question still remains:

#318

⇓

would he jump, would he do it at all?

#319

⇓

And for that we need to understand his state of mind.

#320

⇓

And for that, we got to go back to the algorithm.

#321

⇓

All right, so how does one go about figuring out

#322

⇓

what another human being would do?

#323

⇓

Right? How do you truly get to know someone?

#324

⇓

- Just go through their trash. - Sleep with them.

#325

⇓

- Oh. - Uh, talk to their priest,

#326

⇓

then sleep with their priest.

#327

⇓

Then blackmail the priest.

#328

⇓

Then go back to the priest and ask him to ask God

#329

⇓

to forgive you for blackmailing him.

#330

⇓

No. No.

#331

⇓

You just, uh...

#332

⇓

We're just gonna pull up Bryan O'Brien's social media page,

#333

⇓

and we're gonna comb through that for any

#334

⇓

pertinent information on his life.

#335

⇓

Okay, so from what I'm seeing here,

#336

⇓

he looks like a pretty normal guy.

#337

⇓

Yeah, it looks like he likes to travel.

#338

⇓

He was recently on a cruise.

#339

⇓

Lot, lot of pictures of food. I love that.

#340

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- Oh, I love that. - Oh, I love that.

#341

⇓

- Don't you love that? - 'Cause I know what I ate.

#342

⇓

I don't know... I want to know what you ate.

#343

⇓

It's a good reminder that food is a thing.

#344

⇓

- Yeah, exactly. Right. - You know what I mean?

#345

⇓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Okay, so it looks like

#346

⇓

he's got a lot to live for.

#347

⇓

- He's eating food. - Mm-hmm.

#348

⇓

Or-or-or is he?

#349

⇓

Because is... is that just what he wants you to believe?

#350

⇓

You know, because we all know that on the surface,

#351

⇓

social media... it's a lie.

#352

⇓

All right, so let's dig deeper, shall we?

#353

⇓

Now, clock the amount of baseball caps

#354

⇓

this guy's wearing, and with the tucked-in shirts,

#355

⇓

it's a bit of a juvenile look for a man his age,

#356

⇓

wouldn't you say? I mean, he's hardly a child,

#357

⇓

but he's still hanging on to his youth.

#358

⇓

That suggests to me that maybe he's got some daddy issues.

#359

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Abandonment, abuse.

#360

⇓

Plus, he gave him a comical name, like Mac's dad did.

#361

⇓

His dad hates him as much as Mac's dad hates him.

#362

⇓

That's so sad.

#363

⇓

No, my dad loves me. That... No, my name's an homage.

#364

⇓

- No, it's not. He really doesn't. - My dad's name's an homage.

#365

⇓

It's an homage to a hamburger clown.

#366

⇓

But, uh, oh, look at this, looks like he also, uh,

#367

⇓

just got back from a cruise, alone, to mainland Alaska. Oh.

#368

⇓

- Lame. - Where he met himself an edgy woman

#369

⇓

at a conference, and she introduced him

#370

⇓

to a whole new way of life:

#371

⇓

parasailing, Chilean wines, a tattoo

#372

⇓

of Spider-Man, butt-eating...

#373

⇓

Butt-eating? Where are you getting that from?

#374

⇓

Well... there's a certain glint in the eye, you know, a sparkle.

#375

⇓

You can see that in someone's eye?

#376

⇓

- Oh, Dee. - I'm asking.

#377

⇓

- Have you been eating butts? - Of course she has!

#378

⇓

- Nasty! - You are too much today, Dee.

#379

⇓

- I was clarifying. - You're nasty.

#380

⇓

- Too much. - I just was curious.

#381

⇓

But recently the girlfriend, she's disappeared

#382

⇓

from his pictures, which tells me that,

#383

⇓

uh, she probably broke up with him, you know, because

#384

⇓

of all his father issues, and 'cause he's an alcoholic,

#385

⇓

and because of the copious requests for butt-eating,

#386

⇓

which, she was thinking was more of a one-time thing,

#387

⇓

and he was thinking, this is a thing now, like, from now on.

#388

⇓

You got him. Nice work, man.

#389

⇓

- Yeah. Geez. - That sums this guy up, I think.

#390

⇓

All right, guys, so in summation,

#391

⇓

algorithm-wise, what have we learned here today?

#392

⇓

- That Dee's a nasty fucking slut. - You are so nasty.

#393

⇓

- Okay, all right. - You nasty!

#394

⇓

- Disgusting. - Definitely, definitely,

#395

⇓

but also that the poorly named

#396

⇓

Bryan O'Brien most definitely would kill himself.

#397

⇓

- No-no-no... - So has your son exhibited

#398

⇓

this kind of behavior before?

#399

⇓

What? Oh, yeah, he's a real deranged person.

#400

⇓

This kid's a real whack job.

#401

⇓

I'm afraid he's gonna do something really stupid

#402

⇓

this time. I got to get in there.

#403

⇓

- I can't let you do that, sir. - But-but, look, it might've been

#404

⇓

my fault. I mean, we had an argument...

#405

⇓

I assure you we're doing all we can.

#406

⇓

We're trying to talk to him now.

#407

⇓

- So just stay put. - But-but, hey...

#408

⇓

Excuse me, sir, I'm Jackie Denardo

#409

⇓

from Channel Five News.

#410

⇓

* Oh, oh, whoa. *

#411

⇓

I hear you're the father.

#412

⇓

I would love to interview you.

#413

⇓

Baby, I'll do anything you want.

#414

⇓

My son is actually a big fan of yours.

#415

⇓

- Oh. - I mean, it would

#416

⇓

really get under his skin

#417

⇓

if he knew I was standing next to those.

#418

⇓

Uh, you. You.

#419

⇓

Okay, guys, now we are on to "Should we?"

#420

⇓

Should we get involved in this in any way?

#421

⇓

Is it our moral obligation, as Mac says,

#422

⇓

to keep this man from committing suicide

#423

⇓

- and going to hell... - What... I feel... I don't know.

#424

⇓

I still think we just better, like,

#425

⇓

- let the cops do their jobs. - Mm-hmm.

#426

⇓

Mm, I don't know. But we've already established

#427

⇓

that this guy could die and would jump,

#428

⇓

so, I don't know, the chances of the police getting in there

#429

⇓

in time to-to stop this guy are, uh, pretty slim.

#430

⇓

And then we could be known as a suicide bar,

#431

⇓

and that's no good. I don't want to be that.

#432

⇓

Yeah, kind of grim. I'd probably take my business elsewhere.

#433

⇓

You don't have business.

#434

⇓

Oh! What, uh, what if you lean into that, though?

#435

⇓

Right? Like, you don't make it grim, but you make it playful.

#436

⇓

Like, we start to name drinks after jumpers or whatever,

#437

⇓

like, uh, The Last Call.

#438

⇓

The Jump Shot.

#439

⇓

Lemon Drop.

#440

⇓

- Right. - Oh. There you go.

#441

⇓

Cosmo-fall-itan?

#442

⇓

- Oh! - Very good.

#443

⇓

We could become, like, a hot spot for jumpers.

#444

⇓

You know? We'd put their pictures up, all around the bar

#445

⇓

- to immortalize them, you know? - Oh, yeah.

#446

⇓

Turn them into martyrs.

#447

⇓

That's cool. And we'd play music. We'd play music.

#448

⇓

Uh, "Highway to Hell". "Free Fallin'".

#449

⇓

"Free Fallin'". Come on, man. That's...

#450

⇓

You know what we could do?

#451

⇓

We could lean into, like, a-a haunted, a haunted house

#452

⇓

- kind of bar theme, like... you know? - Oh, well, I'm loving that.

#453

⇓

- Yeah, that'd get my business back. - You don't have business,

#454

⇓

- Cricket. - You don't have business, guy.

#455

⇓

Basically, what we've concluded is that it would actually

#456

⇓

be good for the bar if this guy jumps and dies.

#457

⇓

Yeah? So the answer to the question

#458

⇓

of "should we get involved?" is... is actually yes.

#459

⇓

- Huh? Why, though? - Yeah, but-but

#460

⇓

if-if we stop him, that would be bad for the bar, right, Dennis?

#461

⇓

W-Well... No, that's not what I'm saying, though.

#462

⇓

More importantly, that's not what the algorithm is saying.

#463

⇓

You see, we've already established that this guy wants

#464

⇓

to die and that it would actually benefit our bar

#465

⇓

if he dies.

#466

⇓

Now, of course, from an emotional standpoint,

#467

⇓

we feel as though we should get involved,

#468

⇓

we feel as though we should save this guy,

#469

⇓

but the algorithm is actually telling us

#470

⇓

that that does not benefit anybody.

#471

⇓

- Hmm. - The algorithm is telling us,

#472

⇓

mathematically, scientifically,

#473

⇓

that this guy could die, wants to die,

#474

⇓

and that we should help him do it.

#475

⇓

That's just math.

#476

⇓

- Oh. - Hmm.

#477

⇓

Well, it still feels a little weird,

#478

⇓

but feelings are irrelevant in the face of facts.

#479

⇓

- Yeah. - Is that what I'm hearing?

#480

⇓

The feelings... feelings just get in the way.

#481

⇓

Now, but here's-here's the only thing, though.

#482

⇓

Like, if we were gonna do something like this,

#483

⇓

- like... - Mm-hmm?

#484

⇓

...you know, how would we do it?

#485

⇓

Like, in the right way?

#486

⇓

Do we need to do another algorithm to figure this out?

#487

⇓

Eh.

#488

⇓

- Nah, I'll push him. - Huh?

#489

⇓

What's that?

#490

⇓

Yeah. I'll push him off the building.

#491

⇓

I don't give a shit.

#492

⇓

This is such a difficult situation for any parent.

#493

⇓

Yeah.

#494

⇓

If you could, would you like to say anything to your son?

#495

⇓

Oh, yeah. Look, you think you can do whatever you want,

#496

⇓

but what's mine is mine.

#497

⇓

You don't have a call.

#498

⇓

If I want to bang it, I'm gonna bang it.

#499

⇓

Not that I am banging it, but I could.

#500

⇓

And if it doesn't splatter to bits,

#501

⇓

I'm gonna bang it later.

#502

⇓

Because it's my property.

#503

⇓

And what I do with my property is my business.

#504

⇓

- You got that? - I-I'm sorry to interrupt,

#505

⇓

but we have breaking news.

#506

⇓

- Eh. - I've gotten word

#507

⇓

- the jumper is coming down. - Oh.

#508

⇓

I've been told he found out his estranged father is here

#509

⇓

- and he wants to come down and talk. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's call...

#510

⇓

- He's calling me strange? - Wait, wait...

#511

⇓

You don't know what this sicko kid has done.

#512

⇓

Okay, Cricket, uh, here's a broom.

#513

⇓

You probably sneak up there, give him a little nudge,

#514

⇓

and, uh, you know, don't let anyone see you

#515

⇓

- commit the murder. - Whoa, uh...

#516

⇓

Guys, can-can we just not call it a murder?

#517

⇓

Let's try to think of it more analytically,

#518

⇓

more mathematically. It's sort of like a deletion.

#519

⇓

You know? Like hitting Control-Alt-Delete.

#520

⇓

Bloop. He's in the trash.

#521

⇓

- Oh, that's all it is, right? - I like that.

#522

⇓

- That works for me. - Uh-oh.

#523

⇓

Blip. He's gone.

#524

⇓

Breaking news right now. Uh, there's some clarification.

#525

⇓

The jumper did not jump. He did not jump from the roof.

#526

⇓

He is coming down the stairs.

#527

⇓

G... oh, dude, that's... What a gyp.

#528

⇓

- Yeah. Yeah. - We were gonna... we had a good plan.

#529

⇓

Can I say something, though? I think this is for the best.

#530

⇓

Right.

#531

⇓

- You know what I mean? - Probably.

#532

⇓

That's not the algorithm...

#533

⇓

- Right. - Like, we were going down a road

#534

⇓

- I was not totally comfortable with. - Ooh, ooh, ooh.

#535

⇓

You guys want to go back to watching our show?

#536

⇓

- Let's get back to our show. - Right?

#537

⇓

The show.

#538

⇓

- All right. - Why are we watching this stuff?

#539

⇓

- Okay. Yeah, okay. - The guy didn't even jump.

#540

⇓

That's boring.

#541

⇓

Chet, what we are about to witness here

#542

⇓

is a father being reunited with his son after a harrowing day.

#543

⇓

- Here he is now. - Yeah. Hey...

#544

⇓

This isn't my dad.

#545

⇓

That's not Dennis.

#546

⇓

I thought you said you were the dad.

#547

⇓

Not of this sad sack.

#548

⇓

I'm sorry, kid. Must've been a mix-up.

#549

⇓

I got distracted by the reporter's bagonzas.

#550

⇓

Speaking of melons, there's a casaba

#551

⇓

with my name on it in there.

#552

⇓

Dear Anna, our time apart only makes my heart grow fonder.

#553

⇓

- In the dead of night... - Oh!

#554

⇓

Hey, you got our fish and chips?

#555

⇓

- Ate 'em. - Uh...

#556

⇓

- You ate 'em? - Wow.

#557

⇓

Hey, wait, wait.

#558

⇓

- Where's my melon? Where's my casaba? - Oh...

#559

⇓

It's right here, man. Why do you care so much about this thing?

#560

⇓

- What is the deal? - Ah...

#561

⇓

Yeah, what is the deal with that?

#562

⇓

- Ugh. - Oh.

#563

⇓

- Ah... - Oh, God.

#564

⇓

Ugh!

#565

⇓

It's where I stash my Maui Kush.

#566

⇓

- You hide your weed in a casaba melon? - Yeah.

#567

⇓

In case the cops ransack the place,

#568

⇓

you got to find a good, unsuspecting spot

#569

⇓

to stash your drugs.

#570

⇓

Pot's pretty much legal now.

#571

⇓

You don't really have to stash it anywhere.

#572

⇓

I-I don't think you have to hide it, man.

#573

⇓

When did that happen?

#574

⇓

- Can you move? - You're blocking our show, man.

#575

⇓

Yeah.

#576

⇓

- Come on, man. - You're blocking the show.

#577

⇓

I didn't know that.

#578

⇓

What? You're still watching that British show?

#579

⇓

I mean, that's a bunch of crap.

#580

⇓

- It stinks. - Uh...

#581

⇓

Uh, well, no, actually,

#582

⇓

the algorithm told us that we like it.

#583

⇓

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah. And-and, um...

#584

⇓

- Yeah. - I don't. You know what I mean?

#585

⇓

Like, I can't follow what they're saying most of the time.

#586

⇓

Thank you for saying that. I find it very boring.

#587

⇓

- Okay, now, I... - It is boring, right?

#588

⇓

I hate the plot because it's absurd.

#589

⇓

The plot is ridiculous.

#590

⇓

- Right? The scullery maid? - And their teeth,

#591

⇓

I find them hard to look at.

#592

⇓

The teeth are a little bit of a mess, but mathematically

#593

⇓

- we're supposed to like the show. - Uh, yeah,

#594

⇓

I know, but mathematically

#595

⇓

we were supposed to kill a man today.

#596

⇓

Maybe that's, like, part of the problem

#597

⇓

of, like, taking the humanity out of decisions.

#598

⇓

Perhaps the science just isn't there yet.

#599

⇓

Hey! Where did we land on the casaba?

#600

⇓

I-I think you can eat it, man. I think we're done with it.

#601

⇓

- Yeah, we're done. - Yeah.

#602

⇓

Oh!

#603

⇓

- Yeah, baby. - Eh.

#604

⇓

I wouldn't eat it, Cricks.

#605

⇓

It's full of loads.

#606

⇓

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

#607

⇓