Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S14E07 — The Gang Solves Global Warming

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 14, Episode 7 — The Gang Solves Global Warming

101.3 WNFY weather report.

#1

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It's a scorcher out there, already 102 degrees.

#2

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Residents are being asked to keep their thermostats

#3

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at 76 degrees to conserve energy.

#4

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Ah, man, global warming. It's out of control.

#5

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Yeah. It's hot, baby.

#6

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Guys, we don't really have to worry about global warming,

#7

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because... yes, is the Earth getting unbearably hot?

#8

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Of course it is. But it's all a part of God's plan.

#9

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Look, if God wants to roast us like turkeys,

#10

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there's got to be a good reason for it.

#11

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That's easy for you to say; you're young.

#12

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You know who's gonna get hurt the worst?

#13

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- Old people. - Old people?

#14

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- Yeah. - No, it's the younger generation that's gonna suffer

#15

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- from global warming the most. - Whoa-whoa-whoa, hey.

#16

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Listen, there's no reason to fight, okay?

#17

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We're actually living at a very exciting time right now.

#18

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I mean, we're all finally in agreement

#19

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that climate change is real.

#20

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Well, yes, the 25 years of climate science

#21

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finally caught up with my opinions, and, Dennis,

#22

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when opinions meet facts, that's when you get truth.

#23

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- Oh, God. - Wow.

#24

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Yeah, yeah. But the good news is, hey,

#25

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for the first time I can remember,

#26

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we all have the same truth.

#27

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- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

#28

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- That's nice, right? Yeah. - How 'bout that?

#29

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And, look, while some people are saying,

#30

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"Look, we're staring down the barrel

#31

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of a global catastrophe here," that is true, but I think

#32

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if we all work together, we can solve this problem.

#33

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Guys, we can beat the heat.

#34

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Oh! Hey!

#35

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- Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! - * The heat is on *

#36

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* On the street *

#37

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- * To stay alive * - _

#38

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_

#39

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* 'Cause the heat is on *

#40

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* Whoo! *

#41

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* Oh-whoa-ho, oh-whoa-ho *

#42

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* Tell me can you feel it, tell me can you feel it *

#43

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* Tell me can you feel it *

#44

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* The heat is on. *

#45

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_

#46

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Guys?

#47

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Feeling that? Nice and cool, huh?

#48

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Turned the AC way down.

#49

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Yeah, I don't know why we're wasting our AC on strangers.

#50

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No, Frank, we're not wasting it.

#51

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No-no-no-no. We're adapting to climate change.

#52

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People are animals.

#53

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When push comes to shove,

#54

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- there's no "together." - No-no-no, see, listen.

#55

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By-by-by cranking the AC down below the recommended,

#56

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uh, settings, and getting the word out

#57

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that Paddy's has the best AC in town,

#58

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we're actually helping our business

#59

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and helping the environment.

#60

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No, that doesn't work. Shame's better.

#61

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Like I do with my shoes, you know what I mean?

#62

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How would I know what you mean?

#63

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My shoes that are made out of recyclable materials.

#64

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I did a whole Instagram Story about it.

#65

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Talking about how great the shoes are,

#66

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making people feel stupid for not having them.

#67

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You know, you remember.

#68

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Who the fuck do you think is watching your... What?!

#69

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- Not-not one person on Earth is... - Get out of here.

#70

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What are you talking about? Plus, how is there any plastic

#71

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left in the ocean after they used it

#72

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to cover your gargantuan feet?

#73

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Yeah, big feet. Hey, guys, though,

#74

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we got a little bit of a problem.

#75

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Uh, there's, like, a, I don't know, like, a backup

#76

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of the water lines or something. The ice machine's broken.

#77

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We don't have any ice.

#78

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Oh, shit. Okay, well, just, uh, call the store

#79

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and have them deliver some ice.

#80

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And make more waste by having a big smoke-spewing truck

#81

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deliver ice to us when we could just simply get off our asses

#82

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and go get it ourselves? Hey, guys,

#83

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listen, I just wanted to talk about the importance

#84

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of not only talking the talk, but also walking the walk.

#85

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Oh. As I'm saying that, it's reminding me

#86

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I'm loving my new eco-friendly shoes.

#87

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See there? Not only am I helping the environment,

#88

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I could also get some free swag

#89

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- if I keep it up, play my cards right. - That's awesome.

#90

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You're such an awesome eco-warrior.

#91

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And since you want to walk the walk,

#92

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why don't you walk to the store and pick us up some ice?

#93

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- I just might. - Okay, then do it.

#94

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- Maybe I will. - Get out and go!

#95

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Could even do an Instagram Story about it on my way there.

#96

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Oh, super cool!

#97

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- Go! - Fine. - Go, go and go

#98

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- and go and go and go and go and go, go, go and go. - Fine!

#99

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Charlie, come with me; I need someone to video me

#100

⇓

so I look more professional.

#101

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I don't want to do that.

#102

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We'll do a Story about Purina,

#103

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tag them, and get you a free case of cat food.

#104

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- Done. - Hmm.

#105

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Did you see that, Frank?

#106

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If you incentivize somebody to make the right decision,

#107

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you can get them to do whatever you need them to do.

#108

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All right, what about me? Where's my incentive?

#109

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Well, uh, how about we lower that AC even more

#110

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and see if that helps you?

#111

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How would that help me?

#112

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Frank, what's the temperature at which a certain body part's

#113

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small, smooth muscle cells contract, thereby decreasing

#114

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the surface area of the skin, causing that certain body part

#115

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to protrude in an unusual fashion?

#116

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65.7 degrees Fahrenheit.

#117

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- Make it so. - I'll do it.

#118

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What are you guys talking about?

#119

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Nipples, Mac. Uh, nipples.

#120

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Hi.

#121

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Son of a bitch charged me $40 for a bag of ice, Charlie.

#122

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They... he's taking advantage of this heat wave,

#123

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- jacking up the prices. - Yeah, he's smart.

#124

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So what's going on with the feet?

#125

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- I see you limping here. - Ah!

#126

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Yeah, you know what? These shoes, they are,

#127

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they're the worst.

#128

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Well, my feet are all blistered and swollen.

#129

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- Yeah? - But they're so cute and totally on-brand.

#130

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- Uh-huh. - What are you doing? Don't do the Story now.

#131

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Well, you told me to shoot candid moments

#132

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- that seemed honest. - I said staged moments

#133

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that looked candid and seemed honest.

#134

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All right, well, can we just walk back to the bar? Let's go.

#135

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I-I don't know. I honestly don't think I can walk back.

#136

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My feet are killing me.

#137

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Let's take the bus, then.

#138

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Do you have any idea how much pollution a bus causes?

#139

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I don't know. Uh, three?

#140

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Three?

#141

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- Three what? - Pollutions?

#142

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- All right, we're not... - I-I'm not a scient...

#143

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- I'm not a scientist. - We're not... You're not a scientist.

#144

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I get it. We're not taking the bus, though,

#145

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because buses are wasteful and more importantly disgusting.

#146

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You're just all crammed on there with a bunch of mongrels

#147

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breathing directly into your mouth. There's no room. No.

#148

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Plus it's the future, Charlie.

#149

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- We can just take a rideshare. - Rideshare? Why... What?

#150

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Yeah. It's when a bunch of people get the app,

#151

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and then y'all take the same vehicle to different places.

#152

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Same vehicle, diff... so, like a bus.

#153

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Fine, but it's not a bus, it's a car.

#154

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- So less room. - Okay. Uh-huh.

#155

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'Cause if we just take the bus...

#156

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- We're not taking a bus, Charlie! - Okay.

#157

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- Taking the rideshare. Come on. - All right. Well...

#158

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_

#159

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What the hell is this? Hey, Frank, Frank, Frank.

#160

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- Hold on. What's-what's going on, man? - What?

#161

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I thought you turned the AC up?

#162

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- It's getting hot as hell. - I did. I did,

#163

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but there's too many people here.

#164

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I can't offset the body heat.

#165

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- Hey, we got a problem. - Yeah, I... yeah, I saw that.

#166

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What's with all the water, man? What's going on here?

#167

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Oh, that is probably from

#168

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the ice machine breaking down.

#169

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The water got backed up and maybe diverted over here.

#170

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But that's not what I'm talking about.

#171

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- What? - Look.

#172

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The fish factory guys heard about the AC.

#173

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Now they're hanging out.

#174

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- Nobody wants to go near them. - Yeah, well, they're covered in fish parts.

#175

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They probably smell like shit. Go kick them out, Mac.

#176

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Uh, well, they go to my church.

#177

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And if I kick them out, then they'll tattle on me to God.

#178

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- Are you kidding me? - No.

#179

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You know, Dennis,

#180

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I'm not very incentivized here.

#181

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These are not the nips I wanted.

#182

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Whoa, Frank. Come on, man.

#183

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Now is not the time for your racism. This affects us all.

#184

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We're all in this together.

#185

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Talking about the nipples. I don't see any.

#186

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- Oh. Right, right. Sorry. Your, um... - Not... people.

#187

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Yeah, no, your track record in that department

#188

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is, uh, it's not great.

#189

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Yeah, it's just that his misogyny is stronger

#190

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- than his racism. - In this case.

#191

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- In this case. - All right, well, sorry for, uh, sorry

#192

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for jumping on you like that. Um, we can figure this out.

#193

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- Of course. God will provide. - Well, we will provide.

#194

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I'm looking for answers right now. We will provide.

#195

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- I got an answer. God created us. - Okay.

#196

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All right, you know what? Look, um, I have an idea.

#197

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We'll adapt.

#198

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Hey, guys. Hey, why create an even bigger carbon footprint

#199

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by taking stinky buses all over town when you can just hop

#200

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in a, in a, in a rideshare, in an electric vehicle?

#201

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I'm loving this ride, y'all.

#202

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And cut.

#203

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Stop saying "and cut," Charlie. Just take your finger

#204

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off the button. You don't have to say that.

#205

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Christ. Might as well be in a bus.

#206

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I am eating this guy's breath.

#207

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- Yeah. - I mean, just straight up eating it.

#208

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- It's super hot in here, too. - It's so hot.

#209

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- I'm boiling. - Guy? Can you turn the AC up, please?

#210

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- We're dying back here. - Uh, sorry, electric car.

#211

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AC kills the battery.

#212

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Okay, then just turn it on for a minute

#213

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and then turn it right back off.

#214

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Want me to open a window?

#215

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No. No, I actually don't want hot air from the outside

#216

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blowing all over the place, but thank you.

#217

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You want a breath mint or some gum?

#218

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I want some goddamn air conditioning.

#219

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What's some gum gonna do?

#220

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Well, when someone offers you gum, it's usually a hint.

#221

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- That's him! That's not me. - Uh, well,

#222

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- it's both of you. It's both of you. - Uh...

#223

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I'm gonna give you one star, jerk!

#224

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Maybe consider getting some gum for those pits!

#225

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What an ass... Hey, everybody.

#226

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Just coming back from a real quick trip.

#227

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We walked to the store

#228

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and then we took a fantastic rideshare home.

#229

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And we got a really awesome bag of ice to show for it.

#230

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- And stop! - What? What are you doing?

#231

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Well, you don't want me to say "cut,"

#232

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- so I'll say "stop." It's better. - Well, I wanted

#233

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to bring the ice up into the frame so I could show them...

#234

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- and don't say, don't say "cut" or "stop," just stop. - Oh, okay.

#235

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All right? Let's do it again. Where is the ice?

#236

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- Uh, the ice is melted. Yeah, not much left. - Uh...

#237

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- What?! - It was super hot in that car, Dee.

#238

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Oh, Christ!

#239

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- Cat food, please? - Not...

#240

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We're not gonna get the cat food 'cause we...

#241

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- I can't go back in there without d... Hey! - And go!

#242

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We're just getting ice out here.

#243

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- And stop. - Beating the heat.

#244

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Hey...

#245

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- fans. - And stop!

#246

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I'm going to murder you.

#247

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- Whoa, you're freaking out. - Yes.

#248

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I am freaking out. Film when I say "film."

#249

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Hey, everybody.

#250

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- You said "film." - All good. It's just hot.

#251

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It's just so hot. And cut.

#252

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- You saying "cut" now? - I say "cut," not you!

#253

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- All right, I got a plan. - It's hard to follow all your rules, Dee.

#254

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- Just shut up! We're gonna call a car. - Uh-huh.

#255

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We're gonna get in the car. We're gonna go get ice.

#256

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We're gonna come back with a bag of ice,

#257

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and we're gonna shove it in their face...

#258

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So we're taking two cars when we could've taken one car

#259

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or called the truck and this whole thing

#260

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could've been done, like, hours ago.

#261

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- Okay. We'll walk. But stop talking to me! - Okay, we'll walk.

#262

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- And I'm rolling. - Hi. We're just gonna walk to get some more ice.

#263

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_

#264

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Hey, Frank.

#265

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Global warming is the fucking best.

#266

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Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

#267

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- Yeah. - Yeah. Over here.

#268

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Ah.

#269

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- Yeah. - All right, guys.

#270

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Listen, we got another problem, all right?

#271

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We're running out of glasses and I can't run the dishwasher

#272

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'cause it's too big of a power suck.

#273

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It's gonna kill the AC.

#274

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I got a fix. We got this stuff

#275

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back when we were gonna have the Memorial Day party,

#276

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but then we had to cancel it because of the blizzard.

#277

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- Oh! You bought the... yeah! - Yeah!

#278

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- That's working together, baby. - It's plastic.

#279

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- Nice work. - The Lord provideth again!

#280

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No, Mac! No. The Lord not provideth.

#281

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Frank provideth. He's the one who bought the cups.

#282

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Frank provideth.

#283

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That... well, the Lord provideth the snowstorm in May

#284

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that allowed us to get the cups now.

#285

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- Uh-huh. - See? It's all a part of his divine plan, Dennis.

#286

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And that's locked in, so we're good.

#287

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Okay, so all we have to do is nothing?

#288

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No. No, because, uh, we have free will, Dennis,

#289

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which means that, um, we have to take the necessary steps

#290

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to make sure that that plan comes to fruition.

#291

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- Which is predetermined. - Yes.

#292

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But it doesn't matter what we do if it's all predetermined.

#293

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You see how your argument doesn't make any sense?

#294

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Uh, that's correct. But it doesn't have to make sense,

#295

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because that's where the faith comes in.

#296

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Right? I have faith that what I'm saying makes sense.

#297

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Okay, so even if it doesn't make sense,

#298

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your faith makes it make sense.

#299

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- Correct. - Got it. Okay, so there's no way

#300

⇓

to have a rational conversation with you.

#301

⇓

- No. - Climate change affects us all.

#302

⇓

Okay? We're all in this together. All right?

#303

⇓

We need to work together, and we can still make a profit, okay?

#304

⇓

Don't worry. Just let me think about how to make this work.

#305

⇓

Well, think fast, because it's getting hotter in here

#306

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and people are gonna start dying.

#307

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I got an idea. I got an idea.

#308

⇓

Look, the-the music, it's very, very up-tempo.

#309

⇓

What if we throw a couple slow jams in here, all right?

#310

⇓

Drop the body heat down a notch.

#311

⇓

- Let's do it. - That's an excellent idea.

#312

⇓

And don't you see how God came through you

#313

⇓

to come up with that idea?

#314

⇓

Go turn... change the music.

#315

⇓

- Change the music. - I'll go change the music. I'm-a change the music.

#316

⇓

Son of a bitch.

#317

⇓

Charged me 20 extra bucks for this one.

#318

⇓

- Want me to film this rant? - No!

#319

⇓

Obviously I don't. What is this? What have you done?

#320

⇓

Well, I got a nice little trash bag... that's keeping me

#321

⇓

a little bit cooler... and then this totally creates shade.

#322

⇓

You want me to make you a hat?

#323

⇓

No, thanks. I don't want to wear trash on my head.

#324

⇓

You're wearing it on your feet.

#325

⇓

I paid 90 bucks for these things.

#326

⇓

Well, I can charge you for the hat if it

#327

⇓

- makes you feel better. - No, that's not the point

#328

⇓

- I was making, but the... - Oh, all right.

#329

⇓

My shoes do suck. My feet are dead.

#330

⇓

Let's just call another car and get back

#331

⇓

to the bar before this ice melts again.

#332

⇓

Oh, goddamn it.

#333

⇓

- What's wrong? - My account's been suspended.

#334

⇓

That driver gave me one star, citing "verbal abuse"

#335

⇓

and saying I urinated all over the backseat of his car.

#336

⇓

That was melted ice.

#337

⇓

Actually, I did pee back there a little bit.

#338

⇓

- I did, too. It was a very long ride. - You did? I thought you did.

#339

⇓

- I did. Yeah. But that's not the point. - Ah, all right.

#340

⇓

The point is we're stuck now.

#341

⇓

Unless we take the bus.

#342

⇓

Goddamn it.

#343

⇓

_

#344

⇓

How did it get hotter?

#345

⇓

I don't know, man. I think the slow jams backfired.

#346

⇓

It's like all the friction from the grinding,

#347

⇓

like, created a closed system.

#348

⇓

I didn't account for all the increased sexiness.

#349

⇓

There's a lot of rumblings coming from

#350

⇓

- the water section, too, there. - Well, that's 'cause

#351

⇓

they're not reusing the cups. You know what I mean?

#352

⇓

They don't have any cups left. They're throwing all the trash

#353

⇓

- in the water. - And they want more booze.

#354

⇓

Which, by the way, we don't have any.

#355

⇓

We didn't have enough to accommodate the people

#356

⇓

that were here before, and now it seems like

#357

⇓

we've doubled in size and we just don't have enough.

#358

⇓

- Where is your God now? - Yeah, Mac.

#359

⇓

- He will reveal himself at some point. - Oh.

#360

⇓

Well, is he gonna do it before all these people revolt

#361

⇓

- and destroy the place? - All right...

#362

⇓

I don't know, Frank. I don't question God's will.

#363

⇓

If he wants to destroy the Earth, that's on him.

#364

⇓

- I support it! - What are you talking about?

#365

⇓

Guys-guys, stop... Okay, stop bickering.

#366

⇓

We can't be bickering. Okay, look.

#367

⇓

We said we were gonna beat the heat together.

#368

⇓

As a team, as a community.

#369

⇓

And that's what we're gonna do, goddamn it.

#370

⇓

I got it. I got it.

#371

⇓

Hey, uh, everybody, if I could get your attention, please.

#372

⇓

I got a quick announcement.

#373

⇓

If everybody could just listen up real quick.

#374

⇓

- Dennis has an announcement. - Yeah, I have an annou...

#375

⇓

You don't need to announce my announcement.

#376

⇓

Okay.

#377

⇓

Idiot. Um, okay, uh, so, guys,

#378

⇓

uh, are you guys having a good time?

#379

⇓

What a great party, huh?

#380

⇓

That's right, that's right. But check this out.

#381

⇓

Check this out. Here's my announcement.

#382

⇓

We do need to chill out on the dancing a little bit,

#383

⇓

'cause we-we're overworking that AC, but...

#384

⇓

Now, now, no, no, I get it,

#385

⇓

I get it, I get it, I get it.

#386

⇓

Listen, you think I want to be that guy?

#387

⇓

I don't want to be that guy, but I think if we just

#388

⇓

stop dancing for just a second, the AC can catch up,

#389

⇓

this place can cool down.

#390

⇓

I don't want to stop.

#391

⇓

You don't want to stop? Yeah, I know.

#392

⇓

Nobody wants to stop.

#393

⇓

We're all having a good time. But maybe we just, like...

#394

⇓

Uh, you know what? Let's not stop.

#395

⇓

Let's not stop at all. Let's just chill out.

#396

⇓

We'll chill out for a second, you know what I mean?

#397

⇓

We'll chill out. We'll slow things down.

#398

⇓

- I don't want to slow down. - Okay, listen,

#399

⇓

I know you don't want to slow down, I get it.

#400

⇓

Nobody wants to slow down.

#401

⇓

It's all good, but we got to work together, right?

#402

⇓

We got to, we got to work together to keep this place cool

#403

⇓

and to keep everything kosher, all right?

#404

⇓

One other announcement: uh, we're running a little low

#405

⇓

on tequila and other liquors.

#406

⇓

All right, so...

#407

⇓

I'm not talking crazy stuff here.

#408

⇓

We got plenty to go around, all right?

#409

⇓

Maybe instead of ten shots, we do, like, five or six.

#410

⇓

That's it. You know?

#411

⇓

I... I-I want ten shots.

#412

⇓

You want ten shots, but, you know,

#413

⇓

ten shots is too much for you and five to six is plenty.

#414

⇓

Don't tell her what she needs.

#415

⇓

Stop. Everybody st... O-Okay. I get it. Look, l-let's not...

#416

⇓

You're losing them, you're losing them!

#417

⇓

All right, look, I'm not trying to bring the mood down, guys.

#418

⇓

This is... It's all good. Okay? Just... let's just recognize

#419

⇓

that just... whoa, pal. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#420

⇓

Okay, look, stop.

#421

⇓

I'm just saying we're in a little bit of a tricky situation here.

#422

⇓

We can figure this out.

#423

⇓

Just, it's getting real hot in here.

#424

⇓

Okay? And we're running a little low on resources.

#425

⇓

It's fine. W-We... But if we adapt, we'll keep the party going

#426

⇓

for a long, long time. So who's with me?

#427

⇓

I got the booze!

#428

⇓

Oh, my God. That bus was hot as shit.

#429

⇓

- The third bus was the hottest, you know what I mean? - Yeah.

#430

⇓

It's those local buses. We should've just gotten off

#431

⇓

- at the express and walked, but that's... - It's all the buses.

#432

⇓

- They're bad. - Whoo.

#433

⇓

- Please tell me the ice didn't melt. - Uh, no,

#434

⇓

but somebody ripped a hole in the bag

#435

⇓

- and stole it. Yeah. - What?!

#436

⇓

- How did you not notice that? - Oh, I don't know.

#437

⇓

My back must have gone numb from the ice on my back.

#438

⇓

- You know what I mean? - Oh, no. No. I can't go all the way

#439

⇓

- back to that store. I can't do it. - Oh, no.

#440

⇓

No, that's too many vehicles.

#441

⇓

But how are your feet feeling, though?

#442

⇓

Oh, I got to say, though,

#443

⇓

Charlie, the feet are feeling real good.

#444

⇓

- Whatever you made... - I'm pretty proud of that shoe.

#445

⇓

- Uh, you should be. - Yeah. That's the medical sponge, which is...

#446

⇓

- I don't want to hear any of the details, though. - Oh, okay.

#447

⇓

- I'll spare you. - Okay? Thank you.

#448

⇓

Whoo. So what's the plan now?

#449

⇓

I got one last idea.

#450

⇓

Hey, oh! Ice!

#451

⇓

We got ice.

#452

⇓

What's going on in here? Who are these guys?

#453

⇓

Uh, these are our friends

#454

⇓

from the fish factory. What's up, guys?

#455

⇓

They're actually pretty good dudes once you get to know them.

#456

⇓

Yeah, nice c... not like the people we had in here before.

#457

⇓

- They were terrible. - Uh, well, what happened to the party, though?

#458

⇓

People were animals, just like I said.

#459

⇓

All right, well, while you guys were in here

#460

⇓

destroying the environment, I got ice,

#461

⇓

with barely a carbon footprint.

#462

⇓

And I also made a pretty sweet Insta Story

#463

⇓

to spread the word and shame my followers.

#464

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Check it out.

#465

⇓

What up, Dee's Nuts?

#466

⇓

Just another important Insta message for you.

#467

⇓

Don't forget to reduce, reuse and...

#468

⇓

I'd rather drive six Hummers

#469

⇓

than smell your shit breath, loser!

#470

⇓

Well, these shoes suck. They're terrible.

#471

⇓

My feet are all blistered. What are you doing? Don't...

#472

⇓

- You're the stupid idiot! Okay? - No. You put my ice bag down...

#473

⇓

I'm not putting the ice down! I'm taking the ice!

#474

⇓

- I'll give your money this time. - Get the hell out of my store.

#475

⇓

But you try and gouge me again, you son of a bitch,

#476

⇓

I'll gouge your eyes out!

#477

⇓

There you go.

#478

⇓

Last time you get recycled.

#479

⇓

Hope a bird chokes to death on you.

#480

⇓

I hate the bus! Oh, you're disgusting!

#481

⇓

I can't stand being near you low-life degenerates!

#482

⇓

Ah. Yeah. Not tipping you either, so don't even ask.

#483

⇓

- And cut. - Okay, stop saying "and cut."

#484

⇓

Goddamn it, Charlie.

#485

⇓

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

#486

⇓