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» S01E05 — My Two Dads
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Season 1, Episode 5 — My Two Dads
Hey, how's he doing?
#1
⇓
He was admitted with neutropenic fever, but his white blood cell count's stabilized.
#2
⇓
Best I can say is he's not getting any worse.
#3
⇓
- How you feeling, Jared? - Okay, I guess.
#4
⇓
Okay? I heard your dad arranged for a visit from The Rock?
#5
⇓
Oh, yeah. I'm 13, I must love wrestling, right? Woo-hoo.
#6
⇓
Come on, The Rock's a movie star.
#7
⇓
Out of anything in the world, what could a guy possibly wanna see more?
#8
⇓
- [applause] - Guys, we need an answer.
#9
⇓
Name one thing guys wanna see more
#10
⇓
than anything in the whole wide world?
#11
⇓
Okay, Louie, we're gonna go with boobs.
#12
⇓
[cheering]
#13
⇓
Show me boobs.
#14
⇓
- [ding] - [Louie] There they are.
#15
⇓
- [cheering] - Good job!
#16
⇓
I wanna see 'em on a real girl. A cute girl.
#17
⇓
You're cute.
#18
⇓
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#21
⇓
What's your point? Ammonia too strong?
#24
⇓
- Oh, no, I have a... - That's one.
#25
⇓
Keep pushin'.
#26
⇓
Hey, there, sport. Got your page.
#27
⇓
This better be good. Paging the Chief of Medicine.
#28
⇓
I, uh,... Sir, I was going over Mr. Martinez's chart,
#30
⇓
and it seems like the T.I.P.S. procedure he's scheduled for is completely unnecessary.
#31
⇓
Why would you think that's unnecessary?
#32
⇓
Well, he's dead.
#33
⇓
Well... Excellent catch, Dr. uh,...
#34
⇓
Dr. um...
#35
⇓
Dorian! You see me every day.
#36
⇓
Say my name. Say it!
#37
⇓
Martinez.
#38
⇓
That was the name of the patient, sir.
#39
⇓
- Avery. - No, that's the...
#40
⇓
manufacturer of the clipboard, sir.
#41
⇓
Fine work, doctor. Fine work.
#42
⇓
I hear that.
#43
⇓
[Kelso] Ammonia's a little strong today.
#44
⇓
That's two.
#45
⇓
Steady, boy.
#46
⇓
Okay, now, Rowdy.
#47
⇓
I swear, when you're not here, he does it.
#48
⇓
I'm sure. He's shy.
#49
⇓
I think you should go ahead and do it.
#50
⇓
- I am not flashing my breasts. - Why not? It's easy.
#51
⇓
- You just go like this. - [whoosh]
#52
⇓
Ooh, that's hot.
#53
⇓
[laughs nervously] I went by pediatrics.
#54
⇓
They thought it was funny.
#55
⇓
I'm borrowing a sweatshirt.
#56
⇓
What did we agree you would do every time I left a room?
#57
⇓
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
#58
⇓
That's better.
#59
⇓
[both laugh]
#60
⇓
My man Turk is getting it daily, nightly and ever-so-rightly.
#61
⇓
Ow! What up, dawg!
#62
⇓
What did you just say?
#66
⇓
What up, dawg?
#67
⇓
Why would you think that Turk and I slept together?
#68
⇓
Because I'm a nurse? Because I'm Latina?
#69
⇓
No, just because you guys have been dating for a while.
#70
⇓
Do Latina women put out more? That's not something I've heard.
#71
⇓
- Turk told me. - No! I didn't!
#72
⇓
No, I swear. Look, he assumed.
#73
⇓
Uh-huh. And did you correct him?
#74
⇓
Well, you know, I've been really busy at the hospital lately.
#75
⇓
[Carla] Is that how you see this relationship?
#76
⇓
As some mad dash to the finish line?
#77
⇓
Because I'll take you into that bedroom right now,
#78
⇓
and you will be walking sideways for the rest of your life,
#79
⇓
because I will have used all your up and down.
#80
⇓
Now, is that what you want?
#81
⇓
- No. - Good.
#82
⇓
Because what I want is for this to be a real relationship.
#83
⇓
I want us to know each other better than we know ourselves.
#84
⇓
- Wow. - That's right, "wow".
#85
⇓
So if you really want me "daily and nightly and ever-so-rightly",...
#86
⇓
That sounds like something you'd say.
#87
⇓
...show me that you know me.
#88
⇓
So, anyway, I think you should let the kid meet the ladies.
#89
⇓
So, you're the one who told Kelso Mr. Martinez was dead?
#90
⇓
Well, I'm new, but I'm relatively certain that invasive vascular procedures
#93
⇓
have a low success rate on dead people.
#94
⇓
That T.I.P.S. procedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103.
#95
⇓
You see, she doesn't have insurance.
#96
⇓
Mr. Martinez, on the other hand, had great insurance.
#97
⇓
Should I talk slower or get a nurse who speaks fluent Moron?
#98
⇓
You don't have to be mean about it.
#99
⇓
Well, jeez, newbie, what do you want from me, huh?
#100
⇓
[whirring of 9mm camera, gentle guitar]
#101
⇓
I don't know if they taught you this
#102
⇓
in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails
#103
⇓
where you obviously, if not grew up, then spent most of your summers,
#104
⇓
but you're in the real world now.
#105
⇓
Nnn-kay?
#106
⇓
Luckily, this wasn't...
#110
⇓
Do you know what this is?
#112
⇓
This is me washing my hands of you.
#113
⇓
I will not be in the same room with you again, starting...
#114
⇓
now.
#115
⇓
[telephones ring, PA announcement]
#116
⇓
[cries mockingly]
#117
⇓
Tissue?
#118
⇓
[TV] It's a challenge...
#119
⇓
Little bit of flow, like...
#120
⇓
"Fighting Joe" Hooker...
#121
⇓
[pop]
#122
⇓
[gasps]
#123
⇓
I don't need Dr. Cox. Big jerk.
#124
⇓
Yes! Yes!
#126
⇓
Hey, sport. Or should I say howdy, Mr. Pouty?
#127
⇓
Sorry, sir, it's been a rough day.
#128
⇓
So I hear. Well, anyway, I'm very proud of you, Dr. um...
#129
⇓
Just look at my badge.
#130
⇓
Dr. Turk.
#131
⇓
Oh, no, this is my roommate's badge. We must have switched...
#132
⇓
Oh, that's a great anecdote.
#133
⇓
You should write that down in your journal.
#134
⇓
Then your kids can read about it when you're dead.
#135
⇓
- Sir, they're waiting for us... - In a moment.
#136
⇓
If you will promise to go easy on the stories,
#137
⇓
I'd love for you to join me for a round of golf tomorrow.
#138
⇓
- That'd be terrific, sir. - Super.
#139
⇓
[whistling, barking]
#140
⇓
[J.D. gulps, Dr.Steadman snarls]
#141
⇓
[siren]
#142
⇓
You wanna show a woman you know her, you gotta buy her a little something-something.
#143
⇓
This makes no sense. None of my patients are improving.
#144
⇓
- I'm gonna buy her flowers. - Yeah!
#145
⇓
Please, been done to death.
#146
⇓
I don't get it. I do everything by the book.
#147
⇓
Maybe that's the problem. You approach things too clinically.
#148
⇓
How about chocolates?
#149
⇓
Mmm. With rich cliché centers?
#150
⇓
Have you ever treated your patients with something other than traditional medicine?
#151
⇓
I got it. I'm gonna buy her a really nice pen.
#152
⇓
No, she loves to write. She handwrites all of her letters
#153
⇓
because she says e-mail's too impersonal. That's perfect.
#154
⇓
- A pen is good. - Yeah!
#155
⇓
- [Turk laughs] - [pager beeps]
#156
⇓
[sighs] Now all I gotta do is find time to get out of here
#157
⇓
and maybe I'll buy her one.
#158
⇓
Look, all I'm saying is there's more to healing than what's in the books.
#159
⇓
I talk to my patients. I, I sing to them.
#160
⇓
I ask them what their hobbies are,
#161
⇓
and tell them ghost stories about an old sea captain.
#162
⇓
Thought you'd be interested in that kid Jared's chart.
#163
⇓
Wow, look at that white blood cell count.
#164
⇓
Yeah. And all it took was a visit from The Rock.
#165
⇓
The Rock was here and nobody told me?
#166
⇓
The Rock couldn't make it.
#167
⇓
Well, somebody did something.
#168
⇓
Check her L.F.T.s and coags for me.
#171
⇓
the opposite happens.
#173
⇓
You're cute.
#175
⇓
Who's the present from?
#176
⇓
- Oh. My boyfriend. - When did he give it to you?
#177
⇓
Newbie, the reason I was all bent out of shape yesterday...
#180
⇓
- I accept! - Don't interrupt me. Come here.
#181
⇓
Pull that curtain.
#182
⇓
Mrs. Blitt over there needs the T.I.P.S. procedure, no insurance,
#183
⇓
she can now look forward to a lifetime
#184
⇓
of encephalopathy and jaundice thanks to Bottom-Line Bob.
#185
⇓
- Is he really that bad? - I hate Robert Kelso.
#186
⇓
I hate his family, friends, the guy that cleans his vaguely racist little lawn jockey.
#187
⇓
In fact, I hate anybody who even associates with him.
#188
⇓
Is that clear?
#189
⇓
Totally.
#190
⇓
Call me.
#191
⇓
Yo, Elliot, check out these ass slides.
#192
⇓
Oh, my God. How's that stuff even get up there?
#193
⇓
I fell on it.
#194
⇓
I fell on it.
#195
⇓
I fell on it.
#196
⇓
I was bored.
#197
⇓
The doctors in the ER have a box where they keep all this junk.
#198
⇓
Is that next to the Lost and Found Box?
#199
⇓
Lost and Found Box? There's no Lost and Found Box.
#200
⇓
There's an Ass Box.
#201
⇓
Oh, no, that's not Carla's pen?
#202
⇓
I had no time to shop!
#203
⇓
[Turk screams]
#204
⇓
Beautiful day for golf, eh, sports?
#205
⇓
[Steadman] Yes, sir, Dr. Kelso.
#206
⇓
Look, I don't know what you're trying to pull,
#207
⇓
but I am not a guy you wanna mess with.
#208
⇓
Steadman, I need a tee.
#209
⇓
A tee, or some tea, sir? Because I've brought both.
#210
⇓
Excellent, our fourth has arrived.
#213
⇓
[tires screech]
#214
⇓
What's up, newbie?
#215
⇓
[birdsong]
#216
⇓
After all, he's here too.
#218
⇓
- I thought you hated Kelso. - Oh, I do.
#219
⇓
And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week,
#220
⇓
is basically,... well, it's the most fun I can have
#221
⇓
without being forced to cuddle afterwards.
#222
⇓
Oh, good night, Irene! Fantastic golf shot, sir.
#223
⇓
Real nice length. Now, does your husband happen to play?
#224
⇓
Ha-ha.
#225
⇓
But for the record, no, I'm not a hypocrite for being here.
#226
⇓
What's your pathetic excuse, you whiny little suck-up?
#227
⇓
That'll play.
#229
⇓
[Turk] Don't open it! Please don't open it!
#230
⇓
Oh, please, don't open it!
#231
⇓
Since we've been chatting,
#232
⇓
maybe you could raise your heart rate for me? What do you say?
#233
⇓
[steady beeping]
#234
⇓
What am I doing? This is stupid.
#235
⇓
[pop]
#236
⇓
[rapid beeping]
#237
⇓
[yelps] Oh!
#238
⇓
[tires screech]
#239
⇓
[tires screech]
#240
⇓
[tires screech again]
#241
⇓
Please, don't make her open it.
#242
⇓
[screech]
#243
⇓
Are you that busy?
#244
⇓
You do know me. Sweetie, I love this!
#245
⇓
Oh. [laughs nervously] It's so, it's so cool. It's cool.
#246
⇓
- I'm woozy. - You're fine.
#247
⇓
Today's the day I finally beat his uppity, insubordinate...
#248
⇓
Hey, great shot, doctor!
#249
⇓
You see, son, I always say keep your friends close
#250
⇓
and your enemies closer.
#251
⇓
Can you believe him? You're away and yet he hit first.
#252
⇓
- It's just a technicality. - Ah, but there's the rub.
#253
⇓
The rules are there for a reason.
#254
⇓
If you break one, why not break them all?
#255
⇓
You know that before medicine ever became a business,
#256
⇓
the only rule was to do your best to help the patient.
#257
⇓
Like it or not, medicine is a business.
#258
⇓
If the hospital shuts down, then who are we helping then?
#259
⇓
So, what, only people with money deserve medical treatment?
#260
⇓
[J.D.] Damn it!
#261
⇓
It's about what's best for the hospital.
#262
⇓
[whooshing, J.D. groans in frustration]
#263
⇓
It's about what's best for the patient.
#264
⇓
The only reason I go back to that hospital day after day
#265
⇓
is because I care about those patients.
#266
⇓
Every one of 'em.
#267
⇓
You've got a lot of potential, sport.
#268
⇓
You stick with me,...
#269
⇓
and you're going to be climbing the ladder very quickly.
#270
⇓
Isn't that what you want?
#271
⇓
You have to sink this for the win, Cox.
#272
⇓
Hey, newbie, come here, I almost forgot...
#273
⇓
I'm gonna get Mrs. Blitt her T.I.P.S. procedure tomorrow,
#274
⇓
with or without insurance,
#275
⇓
and I want you to help me.
#276
⇓
Now tell me, Margaret,
#277
⇓
do you have the stones to sink a putt when you have to?
#278
⇓
[Cox] See you next Wednesday.
#279
⇓
I love this game.
#280
⇓
I can't decide if I should help Cox or not. It's driving me crazy.
#281
⇓
At least you didn't give your girlfriend a gift that used to be inside of someone.
#282
⇓
That's true.
#283
⇓
I have magic breasts.
#284
⇓
How many has she had?
#285
⇓
Almost one.
#286
⇓
You know what, Cox doesn't need your help
#287
⇓
taking her down for a T.I.P.S. procedure.
#288
⇓
In fact, he shouldn't even be putting you in that situation.
#289
⇓
- You're right. - Hell, yeah, I'm right!
#290
⇓
Screw Cox.
#291
⇓
- Not afraid of him, are you? - Hell, no!
#292
⇓
Okay, maybe a little.
#293
⇓
- [yelps] - [crashing]
#294
⇓
- That's four. - That's three.
#295
⇓
That's five.
#296
⇓
[continuous beep]
#297
⇓
Still nothing? All righty, we're through here.
#298
⇓
- Somebody call it. - [Elliot] Wait.
#299
⇓
[pop]
#300
⇓
Right. Time of death, 6:20.
#301
⇓
[beeping remains unchanged]
#302
⇓
Hey. There's my buppy.
#303
⇓
Did you just say "buppy"?
#304
⇓
Uh, 'cause that's not gonna work for me.
#305
⇓
Carla, we gotta talk.
#306
⇓
We can talk later.
#307
⇓
Later's good. Mm.
#308
⇓
Let's just worry about getting you better. Okay, gorgeous?
#309
⇓
I decided that Cox was wrong.
#310
⇓
I want you to do a wallet biopsy on her,
#312
⇓
and if the insurance doesn't check out,
#313
⇓
I want her back to the nursing home before she so much as gums down a single fruit cup.
#314
⇓
[Muzak]
#316
⇓
with pre-renal azotemia?
#318
⇓
Bag her.
#319
⇓
[screams]
#320
⇓
Come on, I wanna show you something.
#321
⇓
Wait. It's about the pen.
#322
⇓
So, I thought a really nice one would be a great gift,
#323
⇓
and I see a great one... in the Lost and Found Box.
#324
⇓
There is no Lost and Found Box. There's an Ass Box...
#325
⇓
Yeah, there is.
#326
⇓
Oh.
#327
⇓
And to think you were this close to getting everything you wanted.
#328
⇓
I assume this is what you wanted.
#329
⇓
Yes.
#330
⇓
And yet you come home and tell me
#331
⇓
that your thoughtful token of love
#332
⇓
wasn't a token of love at all. It was an ass pen.
#333
⇓
You come home and tell me this because being open and honest
#334
⇓
is more important to you than having sex with me?
#335
⇓
Are you coming or what?
#336
⇓
Hell, yeah.
#337
⇓
Stay, Rowdy, stay.
#338
⇓
It took me three hours to realize...
#339
⇓
- Excuse me, miss. - Can I help you?
#340
⇓
I'm afraid I have an awful case of the gotta-see-'ems.
#341
⇓
You know, that's not even a real disease.
#342
⇓
At what point did I become a crazy person?
#343
⇓
Oh, come on. Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy
#344
⇓
might have been a tad unorthodox,
#345
⇓
and, yes, it might be a little hard to live down.
#346
⇓
- I'm waiting for the "but". - So's everyone else here.
#347
⇓
- [drumroll] - That's not funny.
#348
⇓
- Thanks. Glad I shared. - Come on.
#349
⇓
When I look at you, I look at a doctor
#350
⇓
who will do whatever it takes to help a patient.
#351
⇓
- Really? - Yeah, really.
#352
⇓
And on that note...
#353
⇓
If you still want my help, I'm on board.
#354
⇓
Are you kidding? It's way too big of a risk for a peon.
#355
⇓
Look it, I just wanted to see what team you were playing for.
#356
⇓
- So it was all a test. - Besides,...
#357
⇓
I already did it.
#358
⇓
[Kelso] Cox!
#359
⇓
Run, Junior. Daddy's home.
#360
⇓
Did you actually think I wouldn't find out what you did?
#361
⇓
- What did I do? - You insolent...
#362
⇓
I'm insolent?
#363
⇓
I know it sounds melodramatic,
#364
⇓
they were battling for my soul.
#367
⇓
- She needed the T.I.P.S... - I've got you this time.
#368
⇓
I can taste it!
#369
⇓
The dark side versus the light.
#371
⇓
[like Darth Vader] I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
#372
⇓
[electrical fizzing]
#373
⇓
Easy, Chewie.
#374
⇓
[roars]
#375
⇓
[Cox] I'll teach you to respect this institution.
#376
⇓
I hope you learn from this.
#377
⇓
No!
#378
⇓
[record scratches]
#379
⇓
You're suspended. Effective immediately.
#380
⇓
[telephones ring, PA announcements]
#381
⇓
Well, sport. It looks like a permanent spot just opened up
#382
⇓
on the golf course.
#383
⇓
How does joining the Chief of Medicine for a weekly round sound?
#384
⇓
Actually, sir, I'm not really that into golf.
#385
⇓
Well, I guess that's your choice, isn't it, Dr. Dorian?
#386
⇓
Whoo!
#388
⇓
That's one for me.
#389
⇓
- [J.D. meekly] Ow. - That's two.
#390
⇓
[J.D.] I'm hurt.
#391
⇓
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