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» S01E04 — My Old Lady
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Season 1, Episode 4 — My Old Lady
- Just let it go? - No.
#1
⇓
A simple question. Why wouldn't I wanna go to the symphony?
#2
⇓
- I didn't mean anything by it. - Of course you meant something.
#3
⇓
- We've got to do something. - No, we really don't.
#4
⇓
Carla's your girlfriend, Elliot's my friend...
#5
⇓
Dude, trust me. Don't get involved.
#6
⇓
She's from el barrio, she must not like music.
#7
⇓
Classical music isn't for everyone.
#8
⇓
[Carla] I didn't grow up with a nanny and Vera Wang diapers...
#9
⇓
[sighs]
#10
⇓
You got something to say?
#11
⇓
Well, yes. I think you're being condescending,
#12
⇓
and you're being overly sensitive.
#13
⇓
[both speak at once]
#14
⇓
Excuse me for a second, just one second.
#15
⇓
[machine squeaks]
#16
⇓
[tape rewinds]
#17
⇓
She's from el barrio, she won't like music.
#18
⇓
Classical music isn't for everyone.
#19
⇓
[Carla] I didn't grow up with a nanny and Vera Wang diapers...
#20
⇓
[sighs]
#21
⇓
You got something to say?
#22
⇓
[J.D.] Nope. Not this time.
#23
⇓
Well, yes. I think you're being condescending,
#24
⇓
and you're being overly sensitive.
#25
⇓
[both speak at once]
#26
⇓
Damn it!
#27
⇓
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#30
⇓
or the emergency room,
#35
⇓
that's admitted to this place
#38
⇓
will die here.
#39
⇓
[all] Hi, I'm gonna be your doctor.
#40
⇓
Yoo-hoo, I'm the doctor.
#41
⇓
I'm... I'm the doctor.
#42
⇓
- What are you, 16? - This is unacceptable.
#43
⇓
Did you have coupons for this hospital, Mom?
#44
⇓
That's enough!
#45
⇓
Sure, he's young but he's probably a very good doctor.
#46
⇓
- Are you a good doctor? - Kinda too soon to tell.
#47
⇓
Honesty, I like that.
#48
⇓
You probably want these people to wait outside.
#49
⇓
That'd be nice.
#50
⇓
Make 'em know you're a man, not a boy.
#51
⇓
Uh, would you guys mind...
#52
⇓
I'm fine where I am, thank you.
#53
⇓
Make me.
#54
⇓
Do it.
#55
⇓
Everybody outta here, now!
#56
⇓
- [woman] Don't wake the dead. - [man] Jeez, snippy.
#57
⇓
- Now! - That was manly.
#58
⇓
That's what I'm talking about.
#59
⇓
- Want a hard candy? - Yes, please.
#60
⇓
[TV in background]
#61
⇓
I'd say this is a simple laparoscopic hernia repair.
#62
⇓
This is embarrassing, you guys are wearing the same outfit.
#63
⇓
Don't sweat it. I'm not wearing pants.
#64
⇓
[patient] Come on, that was funny.
#65
⇓
Great. Moving on.
#66
⇓
Where you going? ESPN Classic's showing
#67
⇓
the '82 NFC championship. It's the Catch!
#68
⇓
We could have some nurses over.
#69
⇓
I called down and requested a Spanish-speaking nurse.
#70
⇓
So, no English, huh?
#71
⇓
I'm a chunky monkey from funky town.
#72
⇓
I'm gonna have a little trouble translating that.
#73
⇓
Oh, good. It's you.
#74
⇓
I admitted this really neat old lady today.
#76
⇓
Neat?
#77
⇓
Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back.
#78
⇓
We had, like, this connection, you know?
#79
⇓
No, I don't know. Now please, let me get my sweat on.
#80
⇓
I feel like you're missing out. This Ms. Tanner,
#84
⇓
she's got this incredible energy and warmth.
#85
⇓
Dude, the League of Women Voters called.
#86
⇓
They want to know where to send your membership info.
#87
⇓
You use that "somebody called" joke a lot.
#88
⇓
I know, I can't help it.
#89
⇓
I got a hernia patient to take care of.
#90
⇓
- What's his name? - His name's Hernia Patient.
#91
⇓
But we've gotten close so I call him Hernia.
#92
⇓
He must feel so safe and taken care of.
#93
⇓
Shut up.
#94
⇓
I paged Dr. Cox and he should be here any second.
#95
⇓
[translates into Spanish]
#96
⇓
[speaks Spanish]
#97
⇓
What did she say?
#98
⇓
She says it's amazing your fancy school didn't teach you Spanish,
#99
⇓
considering a third of patients speak it as a primary language.
#100
⇓
Like every doctor here speaks Spanish!
#101
⇓
[speaks Spanish]
#102
⇓
[Spanish]
#103
⇓
What now, Dr. Barbie?
#104
⇓
Mrs. Guerrero is a lupus patient with shortage of breath
#105
⇓
so I started her on a heparin drip and ordered a VQ scan.
#106
⇓
- I wanted to run that by you. - One.
#107
⇓
Two.
#108
⇓
- Three. - So, shall I...
#109
⇓
It's really important you let me get to ten.
#110
⇓
- Why... - Listen, Cookie.
#111
⇓
You've been here over a month.
#112
⇓
This is Medicine 101.
#113
⇓
I don't want every little thing run by me.
#114
⇓
I don't wanna give my two cents but if you do want my opinion,
#115
⇓
rest assured it will always be that you're an incredible pain
#116
⇓
and every time I see your Kewpie-Doll face
#117
⇓
it just makes me want to pick you up and shake you
#118
⇓
until all the hours of my life that you've wasted
#119
⇓
fall out.
#120
⇓
- Now laugh. - What?
#121
⇓
Laugh so that she doesn't think I'm yelling at you.
#122
⇓
How fun was that?
#123
⇓
- Just initial. - Ah.
#124
⇓
Dr. Kelso.
#125
⇓
Hi, could I have your opinion on a patient?
#126
⇓
- Mm. - She's uh...
#127
⇓
...a 74-year-old renal failure, Mrs. Tanner.
#128
⇓
Oh, of course. One of our frequent flyers.
#129
⇓
- She's a neat lady. - That's what I said.
#130
⇓
Nobody likes a brown nose, son. Let me see that chart.
#131
⇓
[silently]
#132
⇓
Why?
#133
⇓
- You put her on diuretics? - Yeah, I ordered them.
#134
⇓
These labs don't look good,
#135
⇓
it's time she got started on dialysis.
#136
⇓
You know what you should do first, kiddo?
#137
⇓
- What's that? - Find her.
#138
⇓
[dogs bark, siren wails]
#139
⇓
Freedom!
#140
⇓
"Went to the park." She...
#141
⇓
She went to the park.
#142
⇓
[crowd roars on TV]
#143
⇓
It's the Catch. The Catch? I say "Catch", no response.
#144
⇓
How can no one here know what the Catch is?
#145
⇓
Niners-Cowboys. Joe Montana to Dwight Clark,
#146
⇓
deep in the end zone, zero time left. Kid, please.
#147
⇓
Don't insult me.
#148
⇓
Come on, man. It's the fourth quarter. Got a minute?
#149
⇓
- Sure. - Cool.
#151
⇓
- David, right? - Yeah.
#152
⇓
- I'm Turk. - What's up?
#153
⇓
- Want some IV? - No, I'm good.
#154
⇓
- You sure? - Mmm.
#155
⇓
- Mrs. Tanner. - Here's the party.
#156
⇓
I don't know how it's been with other doctors,
#157
⇓
but under my care, you stay in the hospital until I say it's okay to leave.
#158
⇓
We saved you a plate.
#159
⇓
I don't care about food right now.
#160
⇓
It's Samantha's fifth birthday. You're not gonna make me miss this?
#162
⇓
Couldn't you have got her a big cake?
#163
⇓
[machine beeps]
#164
⇓
I'm gonna order an ABG just to be safe.
#165
⇓
- Don't you think? - That's probably a good idea.
#166
⇓
Teach me to tell her she's doing fine.
#167
⇓
Um... okay.
#168
⇓
Say...
#169
⇓
Está progresando muy bien.
#170
⇓
Mrs. Guerrero?
#171
⇓
Está progresando muy bien.
#172
⇓
Ay, gracias!
#173
⇓
It worked!
#174
⇓
Listen, the important thing to remember
#175
⇓
is this is not going to hurt as much as you think.
#176
⇓
I'm ready.
#177
⇓
Yo!
#178
⇓
Okay, you know what, Mrs. Tanner...
#179
⇓
Just until Samantha blows out her candles.
#180
⇓
What are you gonna wish for, honey?
#181
⇓
- A bike? - Nope.
#182
⇓
- A doll house? - Nope.
#183
⇓
How about the ability to make quick decisions?
#184
⇓
- Nope. - How about this?
#185
⇓
[guests gasp]
#186
⇓
- Uh, a pony? - No!
#187
⇓
Okay, enough. I don't think you realize how serious this is.
#188
⇓
Right now, we need to be worried about your mother.
#189
⇓
Your grandmother, your...
#190
⇓
I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Dr. Dorian.
#191
⇓
- You're very cute. - Thank you. Come on, let's go.
#192
⇓
- Candles are still lit. - Okay.
#193
⇓
Here we go. Blow!
#194
⇓
Increase the heparin to 1,500 units per hour.
#195
⇓
Does that sound like enough?
#196
⇓
Should be.
#197
⇓
Speaking of heparin, have you slept with Turk yet?
#198
⇓
- What?! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
#199
⇓
Too personal.
#200
⇓
I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad
#201
⇓
he basically thinks he isn't gonna get it ever.
#202
⇓
When he's lost the will to live, I jump him.
#203
⇓
- So how long does that take? - A month, maybe two.
#204
⇓
What about you?
#205
⇓
I like to use sex as an ice-breaker.
#206
⇓
And how's that working out for you?
#207
⇓
I guess I don't have what you would call high self-esteem.
#208
⇓
[Dr. Wen] Let me know when you find the hernia.
#209
⇓
[Turk] You got it.
#210
⇓
- We're so lost. - We are not lost.
#211
⇓
- Go left here. - It's a right.
#212
⇓
You passed his Cooper's ligament three times.
#213
⇓
- Stop and ask for directions. - You wanna drive this thing?
#214
⇓
'Cause I will pull over and let you drive this thing.
#215
⇓
Wait a second.
#216
⇓
Go back to where you just were.
#217
⇓
What is that?
#218
⇓
[machine beeps]
#219
⇓
Hey, her O-sat's in the 80s.
#220
⇓
And take a look at her heart rate.
#221
⇓
Shoot!
#222
⇓
So that's basically it.
#223
⇓
Your kidneys aren't responding to medication any more.
#224
⇓
I'm afraid we're gonna have to start you on dialysis.
#225
⇓
I'm not a big fan of dialysis.
#226
⇓
Yeah, unfortunately, we don't really have a choice.
#227
⇓
Actually, I do have a choice.
#228
⇓
I think I'm ready to die.
#230
⇓
I've got a ton of bricks for Dr. Dorian.
#231
⇓
Can I get that pen back?
#232
⇓
You're gonna have to shut your mouth at some point.
#233
⇓
Sweetie, I'm 74 years old. I'm ready to go.
#234
⇓
With dialysis you could live another 80 or 90 years.
#235
⇓
I think you're being a little irrational.
#236
⇓
- No, I'm not. - Everybody dies sometime.
#237
⇓
No, they don't.
#238
⇓
Sir, we're really lucky we found the lymphoma when we did.
#239
⇓
Of course. I'll wait till you get here before I tell David.
#240
⇓
See you soon.
#241
⇓
I hope you're not using that phone to make a personal call.
#242
⇓
No, actually. That was David Morrison's father.
#243
⇓
He's a patient of mine. Dave's a good kid.
#244
⇓
He sounds terrific. You two are becoming best pals, huh?
#245
⇓
What we should do is the three of us play a game of stick ball.
#246
⇓
- Sir? - All we need is a stick, a ball
#247
⇓
and a pocket full of dreams.
#248
⇓
Or we could take turns bowling your patient
#249
⇓
down the hallways of my hospital.
#250
⇓
- Listen, sir, I can explain. - Spare me.
#251
⇓
Spare you. That's good, sir, 'cause of the bowling thing.
#252
⇓
- You're not making a joke. - Not at the moment.
#253
⇓
I just think he's a good kid and he needed a friend.
#254
⇓
Young man, your patients don't need friends,
#255
⇓
they need a doctor.
#256
⇓
Her BP's dropping. Maybe it's time to push thrombolytics.
#257
⇓
If you were her doctor, what would you do?
#258
⇓
That's way out of my league.
#259
⇓
I don't know about waiting. She seems to be decompensating
#260
⇓
but thrombolytics scare me.
#261
⇓
A lot of times the patient bleeds out.
#262
⇓
She needs to know what's going on.
#263
⇓
Uh, I'll be right back.
#264
⇓
[Cox] She doesn't want dialysis?
#265
⇓
- [J.D.] What does that mean? - If she declines dialysis,
#266
⇓
there is no ethical dilemma.
#267
⇓
But what about our duty to do everything in our power...
#268
⇓
[pretends to cry] "What about our duty as doctors...?"
#269
⇓
Look, this has nothing to do with the patient.
#270
⇓
This is all about you. You are afraid of death.
#271
⇓
And you can't be. You're in medicine,
#272
⇓
you gotta accept that everything we do here, everything,
#273
⇓
is a stall.
#274
⇓
We're just trying to keep the game going, that's it.
#275
⇓
But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way.
#276
⇓
- I win. - Where? I don't see.
#277
⇓
Here, diagonally.
#278
⇓
Pretty sneaky, Death.
#279
⇓
Hope I helped.
#280
⇓
That Dr. Kelso really came down on you, huh?
#281
⇓
Yeah, but he's got a point. This is a hospital.
#282
⇓
It's not a playground.
#283
⇓
Well, if it isn't the medulla oblongata.
#284
⇓
That's about 50 points there, wouldn't you say?
#285
⇓
I won. I'll just take your fruit cup and be on my way.
#286
⇓
I talked to my Dad today.
#287
⇓
- He's coming out. - Cool.
#288
⇓
And that nurse came by to shave me again.
#289
⇓
- I didn't tell her to do that. - You didn't?
#290
⇓
No. I think she's got a crush on you.
#291
⇓
Come on, dude, what's going on?
#292
⇓
Okay, uh, here's the deal.
#293
⇓
She's telling her family.
#294
⇓
[floor polisher hums]
#296
⇓
[revs engine]
#297
⇓
- You didn't tell them, did you? - It didn't come up.
#298
⇓
Look, they don't need that burden.
#299
⇓
Besides, they'd give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.
#300
⇓
Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down
#301
⇓
a few things I think everybody should do
#302
⇓
at least once in their life.
#303
⇓
Okay, Number One: eat a sausage and pepper hoagie from Enrico's.
#304
⇓
Of course I've done that.
#305
⇓
Number Two:
#306
⇓
go to Asia.
#307
⇓
[speaks Japanese]
#308
⇓
I'll take that as a yes.
#309
⇓
And I'll also check off "learn a foreign language".
#310
⇓
What the hell happened to "I'll be right back"?
#311
⇓
I can't believe I started to think I'd been wrong about you.
#312
⇓
That woman needs her doctor to tell her something - anything - and you run away?
#313
⇓
Are you even gonna look at me?
#314
⇓
Um, I've been trying to decide what drink to get.
#315
⇓
Standing here trying to choose between cherry soda
#316
⇓
and, uh, ginger ale, and you know what?
#317
⇓
It's a toss-up. Either way I get a cold drink.
#318
⇓
It would be almost impossible for me to kill someone with this decision but...
#319
⇓
I still can't make it.
#320
⇓
I think I'm in trouble here.
#321
⇓
Look...
#322
⇓
I don't think these kinds of decisions are easy for anyone.
#323
⇓
If it's any consolation, one of the reasons I never liked you
#324
⇓
is you're already better than most of the doctors that come here.
#325
⇓
To be honest, I kinda liked being the only smart, strong chick in the joint.
#326
⇓
You sort of just complimented me.
#327
⇓
A little bit.
#328
⇓
Okay, I'm gonna have a ginger ale.
#329
⇓
Good start.
#330
⇓
That clot isn't going anywhere on its own,
#331
⇓
so let's push the thrombolytics.
#332
⇓
Okay.
#333
⇓
Here we go.
#334
⇓
Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
#335
⇓
- Done. - Fine.
#336
⇓
Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower.
#337
⇓
- Now you're making stuff up. - No, I'm not. It's right here.
#338
⇓
Listen, Dr. Dorian,
#339
⇓
there is not one thing I regret as I lay here right now.
#340
⇓
I'm ready. I really am.
#341
⇓
You have had an amazing life.
#342
⇓
Good. Now we agree.
#343
⇓
Aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?
#344
⇓
Me? No, I've been off for two hours.
#345
⇓
So with your precious free time you've been in a hospital room talking to an old lady.
#346
⇓
What about your list? How many of those things have you done?
#347
⇓
For that matter, how many times have you sat on the grass and done nothing?
#348
⇓
You need to start taking some time for yourself, young man.
#349
⇓
Promise me you'll do that.
#350
⇓
- I will. - Good.
#351
⇓
Now, get outta here.
#352
⇓
Go on.
#353
⇓
I just wanna check out a few things before I get going.
#354
⇓
[beep]
#355
⇓
Uh-huh.
#356
⇓
[beep]
#357
⇓
Uh-huh...
#358
⇓
Are you okay?
#359
⇓
I'm scared.
#360
⇓
Come here.
#361
⇓
Come here. Come here.
#362
⇓
Oh, now, now, now.
#363
⇓
You're okay.
#364
⇓
You'll be just fine.
#365
⇓
Not to worry.
#366
⇓
[beeping]
#367
⇓
[continuous beep]
#368
⇓
I just wanted you to know she went very peacefully.
#369
⇓
I know you did everything you could for my son.
#370
⇓
I can't tell you how glad I am he had a friend here with him.
#371
⇓
Don't second-guess yourself. You made the right call.
#372
⇓
You did.
#373
⇓
I know.
#374
⇓
Basically, your mother's kidney...
#375
⇓
[all] I'm really sorry.
#378
⇓
Hey, I'm Turk.
#381
⇓
Anything.
#382
⇓
Her BP's 120 over 80... Let's keep it that way.
#383
⇓
Anything at all.
#384
⇓
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