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» S01E06 — My Bad
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Season 1, Episode 6 — My Bad
- [J.D.] Say "ah." - [man] Ah.
#1
⇓
- OK, say "oh." - Oh.
#2
⇓
Everybody say "Ah, oh, ah!"
#3
⇓
Oh... Excuse me.
#4
⇓
As legal counsel, it's my job to inform you
#5
⇓
that your suspension is effective immediately.
#6
⇓
Oh, God, just the messenger.
#7
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Your long-term job status will be decided at the board meeting.
#8
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Until then, and I cannot bend on this,
#9
⇓
I don't want you setting foot on the premises.
#10
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- I'm going to be here all day. - Works for me. That'd be good.
#11
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I hope that works out.
#12
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Dr. Cox, if you need to talk...
#13
⇓
[sound of race car]
#14
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So, what do you think, Dr. Dorian? Bypass or stent?
#19
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Bypass!
#20
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Or stent.
#21
⇓
♪ I'm no Superman ♪
#24
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Nah-nah. You have to touch someone's hiney.
#31
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Dorian, come with me. And Dr...
#32
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- Reid... - Sure. Why not?
#33
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- Take over for him. - Nur-nur.
#34
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I'm assigning you to an important board member
#35
⇓
whose family built this hospital with their bare hands.
#36
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Look for hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.
#38
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- What happened? - Pre-syncope.
#39
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So, this board member almost fainted?
#40
⇓
- I'll fire up the paddles. - Ah, Dr. Weisenheimer's back.
#41
⇓
- How was your ski trip? - Sir, I'm confused.
#42
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- You annoy me. - Oh, now I get it.
#43
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But you have this nauseating charm
#44
⇓
everyone else here seems to respond to.
#45
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Use it. Okay, sport?
#46
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...smokin'-hot bitty.
#48
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Who do you love the most?
#49
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[mouths]
#50
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Sweetheart, are you getting younger?
#51
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- Ugh! - This is Dr. Dorian.
#52
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He'll be looking after you.
#53
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And who will be looking after him?
#54
⇓
[lion's growl]
#55
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Since your jaw is wired shut, we'll give you IV nutrition, okay?
#56
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Sorry. You can't answer. It's like the dentist.
#57
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They ask you questions and you have that stuff in your mouth.
#58
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Oh, my God, I did it again... Dr. Greenberg.
#59
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Doctor? What kind of doctor are you?
#60
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I keep doing it. Okay, okay. Just... just act it out.
#61
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Head?
#62
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Shrinking. Shrink, a shrink!
#63
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Wow. I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty
#64
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after interning as a real doctor.
#65
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That didn't come out right. My dad. He's a doctor too.
#66
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He says therapy is for people with more money than problems.
#67
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But then... my dad says a lot of things.
#68
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- Did anyone page a nurse? - No.
#69
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It looks like his eyes are screaming.
#70
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Please, we're talking.
#71
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Where was I?
#72
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- You should get dressed. - I can't. It's still out there.
#73
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Don't call my mother it.
#74
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It implies you think that she's a monster.
#75
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Now, get a move on, it usually gets up to feed about now.
#76
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Baby, I don't understand why we couldn't stay at my place?
#77
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I could've done the whole show for you.
#78
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- There's a show? - Yeah, there's a show.
#79
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It involves music, some dancing, occasionally singing.
#80
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Can you do Me And Mrs. Jones?
#81
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I don't know, what's she look like?
#82
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Look, you wanted to spend the whole night together
#83
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and I can't leave my mother alone.
#84
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She's frail.
#85
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[frantic yelling in Spanish]
#86
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- Tell her to put the cane down! - [speaks rapid Spanish]
#87
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- Tell her to put the cane down! - It's because I'm unmarried.
#88
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She doesn't have to know we had sex all night.
#89
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- She speaks English. - Then why are you translating?
#90
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- You don't speak Spanish! - Oh. Hola!
#91
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- No! No! - Mami! Qué te ha sucedido?
#92
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Por qué?
#93
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Tell her to put the cane down.
#94
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I have to be honest, Ms. Sullivan, when Dr. Kelso said
#95
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board member, I was thinking this like old, grumpy...
#96
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That would be my father. He died.
#97
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- I'm so sorry. - 20 years ago.
#98
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Oh. I would have said sorry then but I had trouble with my Ss.
#99
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[laughs weakly] I was five.
#100
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Ss. So... how are you feeling?
#101
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Great, that's why I'm here. Listen, R.J.
#102
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- J.D. - Like it matters. Look.
#103
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You seem like a nice, spineless, little boy, so let's be honest.
#104
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I'm here because it was the only way to end
#105
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my beast of a mother's nagging pseudo-concern.
#106
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- That's sweet. - So, do your little tests.
#107
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But first, close the blinds
#108
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and wash off your eighth-grade-dance cologne
#109
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so we don't add nausea to my symptoms.
#110
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I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water,
#111
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which, for some reason, you have yet to get.
#112
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- Let me just check out... - Doing things I want first.
#113
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- Your little tests later. - Nice to meet you.
#114
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I hate you.
#115
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Merry Christmas, Dr. Greenberg! I mean, happy Halloween!
#116
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Uh, I am so frazzled. I did not sleep at all.
#117
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In fact, I haven't really slept since I started here.
#118
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It's just so much pressure.
#119
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I can't talk to anyone here. It's so competitive.
#120
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I used to be able to talk to my mom, but now, I don't know,
#121
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she listens, but she just never seems to hear me, you know?
#122
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Lonely, depressed, overwhelmed.
#123
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And sometimes I have no idea how I'll make it through this.
#124
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Oh, no. I don't even like to take aspirin.
#125
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- I'd rather just... - Me!
#126
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Oh, you!
#127
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Ah, Dr. Cox.
#128
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I've been thinking about your predicament
#129
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and I think I have a solution: cruise ships.
#130
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Right.
#131
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Everyone'll call you Doc.
#132
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You'll visit exotic ports.
#133
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Heck, maybe you'll even get to meet Charo.
#134
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You should go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bobby.
#135
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If your evil genie actually does grant your wish,
#136
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and I disappear, the only person you'll have left
#137
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to contend with around here will be yourself.
#138
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And when you really get to know that person,
#139
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oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud,
#140
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Satan will want to rip up the contract you signed
#141
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just so he can get some sleep.
#142
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Look at you with your stiff upper lip.
#143
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I think I'm gonna miss that the most.
#144
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What are you looking at?
#147
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Oh, no, I just... I like your shirt.
#148
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- What kind of shirt is that? - It's a white T-shirt.
#149
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I knew it.
#150
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I will never sleep at your place again.
#151
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It wasn't that bad.
#152
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I am in such a good mood.
#153
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Does she invite the priest for breakfast every day?
#154
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Only when she finds me in bed with some guy. So most days.
#155
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That's not funny. Okay? That's not funny.
#156
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I'm just in a much better place, you know?
#157
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- Do I look different? - What kind of a shirt is that?
#158
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- I am such an idiot. - I'm in a better place.
#159
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So what do you say, my apartment, tonight?
#160
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I'll think about it.
#161
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Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?
#162
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In a better place, look different, feel good, okay?
#163
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That's what usually happens when you see a shrink.
#164
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My patient is a therapist. I'm not seeing a shrink.
#165
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Stop spreading around embarrassing rumors.
#166
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Whoa, I'm just goofing around.
#167
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Besides, the last thing I want to do is upset a crazy lady.
#168
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- T-shirt. - Is anybody up there?
#169
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Up there... up there... up there...
#170
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I'm all alone down here... here... here...
#171
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It's cold.
#172
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I'm frightened.
#173
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Just keep moving. Refocus.
#174
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Think about helping Dr. Cox.
#175
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Ms. Sullivan? Sorry. I didn't realize you're in the bathroom.
#176
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- It's OK, come on in. - [flushing]
#177
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Come in the room, not in here. What's the matter with you?
#178
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Are you even a real doctor?
#179
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Look, I know that you're on the board, and I have this friend.
#180
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Well, he's a mentor...
#181
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- Losing interest! - Sorry.
#182
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He's... Wait, wait. Why are you dressed?
#183
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I'm going to a party. I assume my tests are normal,
#184
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or else you wouldn't be chatting me up.
#185
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Gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope
#186
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we can go down to the river sometime and race frogs.
#187
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That's it.
#188
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Listen, you spoiled, bossy chore of a woman.
#189
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- Sorry? What'd you say? - You're in now, go for it.
#190
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I'm the doctor here. So put your gown back on,
#191
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get back in bed and shut the hell up!
#192
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- No one talks to me that way. - Well, get used to it, missy.
#193
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Um, I didn't mean to be such a hard ass, just now.
#194
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You can totally wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.
#195
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- Take off your pants. - Yes, ma'am.
#196
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I know it's tough leaving your mother at home.
#197
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- I'm really glad you're here. - You are?
#198
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Yes, I am.
#199
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And I promise I'm going to make it worth your while.
#200
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Oh, baby, we've already slept together.
#201
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You should be careful about the build-up.
#202
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- Oh, is that necessary? - Yeah.
#203
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Okay, look, I got something for you.
#204
⇓
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
#205
⇓
- You want to hear it? - OK.
#206
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♪ Me ♪
#207
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♪ And ♪
#208
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Did you learn that for me?
#210
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- Mm-hm. - More.
#211
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♪ We got a thing ♪
#212
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- ♪ Going on... ♪ - [Carla squeals]
#213
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Control.
#215
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Oh, God!
#216
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Dependence.
#217
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He was released a couple of hours ago.
#218
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And timing.
#219
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Your mother broke her leg.
#220
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Oh, Dr. Cox have you met...?
#222
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You don't have to introduce me to my ex-wife.
#223
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Surprise!
#224
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You putz.
#225
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- Oh, no. - Hello, Jordan.
#226
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- Oh, no, no. - Perry.
#227
⇓
- Perry? - You never heard that.
#228
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Don't look her in the eyes. She'll steal your soul.
#230
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So how are things going down in the underworld?
#231
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Good. And you?
#232
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Still have a rollicking social life?
#233
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Since I cut you loose it's been one big party.
#234
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In the next five seconds, name some place,
#235
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other than the hospital,
#236
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you've been in the last month, five, four, three, two...
#237
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My car!
#238
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On the way to the... big party.
#239
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- [wrong-answer buzzer] - Oh, that must have hurt.
#240
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Dr. Cox, I know you're suspended
#243
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but you're the only one my mother trusts.
#244
⇓
Not now!
#245
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This is all your fault.
#246
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- Hey, Turk, can I talk...? - No. You can't.
#247
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That's why they're called your problems.
#248
⇓
Sorry.
#249
⇓
Happy Halloween.
#250
⇓
That'll teach you not to spy on people during their alone time.
#251
⇓
When dealing with a crisis,
#252
⇓
God, the source is pretty.
#254
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Ms. Sullivan?
#255
⇓
Excuse me, Ms. Sullivan!
#256
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Honey, I think we're way past Ms. Sullivan.
#257
⇓
Okay, Jordan...
#258
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I just don't think we should see each other again.
#259
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The story of my life.
#260
⇓
Any time I let my guard down just a little, I get hurt.
#261
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I am so sorry.
#262
⇓
You know how long it's been since I connected with someone?
#263
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It's not fair that just because of him,
#264
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I don't get to spend time with...
#265
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Boy, it's hard to keep that going.
#266
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See you, D.J., I got a date. [laughs] See each other again!
#267
⇓
She's gonna be okay.
#268
⇓
I don't know, Mom, I'm just feeling lost, you know?
#269
⇓
Everyone here is so busy, and I guess I'm just kind of lonely.
#270
⇓
Mom, could you just try to hear what I'm saying?
#271
⇓
Just this once?
#272
⇓
No, I don't have short hair.
#273
⇓
Yes, I know short hair gives me pig-face.
#274
⇓
Yeah.
#275
⇓
- Dr. Cox! - Okay, Linus.
#276
⇓
You're way too excited. Get your blankie,
#277
⇓
go in a corner, and take a time-out.
#278
⇓
Non-displaced femoral fracture, Carla's mom's gonna be fine.
#279
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- Okay, what? - Your ex-wife.
#280
⇓
- She's the answer. - Things That Ruined My Life?
#281
⇓
Things That Took Half My Money? Things With Sharp Edges?
#282
⇓
Come on, she's on the board.
#283
⇓
Deep down I'm sure she's a reasonable person,
#284
⇓
not that I know her or have ever been alone with her.
#285
⇓
- But I'm sure if you just... - No.
#286
⇓
- Ask. - I'm going to go and do this
#287
⇓
just as slowly as possible so you don't misunderstand.
#288
⇓
[very slowly] No...
#289
⇓
Fine, I'll ask her.
#291
⇓
That's a no.
#292
⇓
- It's always funny. - Can't believe she's sleeping.
#293
⇓
I had the intern give her two valium.
#294
⇓
- Why, was she in a lot of pain? - No, she just wouldn't shut up.
#295
⇓
I'm sorry.
#296
⇓
I notice your little boyfriend's name's not on the cast.
#297
⇓
Are you kidding? Making me leave her alone like that.
#298
⇓
She would have gotten hurt, whether you were there or not.
#299
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- Nuh-uh. - She fell in the shower.
#300
⇓
So unless you have an extremely disturbing relationship,
#301
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I'm afraid you're full of crap.
#302
⇓
I'm full of crap?
#303
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If you don't care about being suspended, why are you here?
#304
⇓
You may scare everybody with those crazy eyes but not me.
#305
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You use your mom as an excuse to not take chances.
#306
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You're never happy unless you're here.
#307
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You're afraid to live your own life.
#308
⇓
Admit that losing this place would kill you.
#309
⇓
- We done? - That's all I got.
#310
⇓
Crazy eyes?
#311
⇓
Low blow.
#312
⇓
[Cox's voice] This guy's gonna need 30 mEqs of KCL.
#316
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Your man Cox is the best.
#318
⇓
I know he's got an unorthodox way of doing things,
#319
⇓
but all the innovators do.
#320
⇓
Now, everybody deserves a second chance.
#321
⇓
Am I right?
#322
⇓
Who are you?
#323
⇓
[elevator bell]
#325
⇓
Jordan. I know you're on your way to the board meeting
#326
⇓
and I know you don't really like me, but...
#327
⇓
I don't dislike you. I nothing you.
#328
⇓
Oh, thanks, that's... that's special.
#329
⇓
I have to ask you a favor.
#330
⇓
But you have to know this is not why we slept together.
#331
⇓
Yeah, you had nothing to do with why we slept together.
#332
⇓
I think we both know that's not completely true.
#333
⇓
Oh, please!
#334
⇓
Even though you're terrified Dr. Cox will find out,
#335
⇓
if I wanted you to go to his apartment
#336
⇓
and have sex with me in front of him, you would.
#337
⇓
Please don't do that.
#338
⇓
You remind me of him when he was younger.
#339
⇓
Then look into your heart and see if you can dig up sympathy
#340
⇓
for someone who means a whole lot to me,
#341
⇓
and probably means a little to you, too.
#342
⇓
- So will you help him? - Ah, sweetie...
#343
⇓
No.
#344
⇓
- I went to therapy once. - You did?
#345
⇓
Yeah. Once though, like back in '93 to '94.
#346
⇓
Then a few months in '95.
#347
⇓
And then I went to group, which was a disaster.
#348
⇓
When I went to college it was my first time away from home.
#349
⇓
Things started piling up and I felt I was sinking, you know?
#350
⇓
- Yeah, I do. - And no matter how embarrassing
#351
⇓
you think it might be,
#352
⇓
it's always helpful to talk to someone neutral.
#353
⇓
For example, take a look at me. I am now, thanks to therapy,
#354
⇓
in a healthy relationship with a beautiful woman,
#355
⇓
who won't sleep over because she thinks I broke her mother's leg.
#356
⇓
Hey!
#357
⇓
Baby!
#358
⇓
[laughs]
#359
⇓
How long were you back there? For a second, huh?
#360
⇓
- I wasn't talking about us... - Turk.
#361
⇓
Mom's spending the night here,
#362
⇓
so I will be spending the night with you,
#363
⇓
only we have to leave right now.
#364
⇓
Go.
#365
⇓
♪ Me and Mrs. ♪
#366
⇓
♪ Mrs. Jones ♪
#367
⇓
Yes.
#374
⇓
I am bulletproof.
#375
⇓
He's taking it well.
#376
⇓
So, no hard feelings. Right, amigo?
#377
⇓
- Careful. - Catch you on the flip side.
#378
⇓
I really think you're making a big mistake.
#379
⇓
The most destructive thing about Dr...
#380
⇓
Yawn!
#381
⇓
I say yawn because when I actually yawn, you don't get it.
#382
⇓
See you in hell.
#383
⇓
I did it 'cause the thought of you rotting here
#387
⇓
in this fluorescent tomb is more fun
#388
⇓
than tipping a valet with your alimony check.
#389
⇓
Oh, listen here, pumpkin, if you're honestly having
#390
⇓
this much trouble getting over me,
#391
⇓
just go ahead and give me a call,
#392
⇓
and I'll toss you a sympathy throw-down any time.
#393
⇓
New problems to be dealt with.
#396
⇓
[Spanish-language TV]
#397
⇓
I'm watching that.
#398
⇓
New issues.
#399
⇓
Thanks, Dr. Greenberg.
#400
⇓
See you next week.
#401
⇓
- She was never boring. - What happened?
#402
⇓
You marry somebody just like your mother
#403
⇓
then you remember you hate your mother.
#404
⇓
You asked her for help, didn't you?
#405
⇓
You don't realize how important you are to people around here.
#406
⇓
Jeez, Agnes.
#409
⇓
Does the field-hockey team know that you're missing?
#410
⇓
It felt good.
#411
⇓
Although it did take some stones, to be honest.
#412
⇓
Stick with the truth and you can't get hurt.
#413
⇓
Always been my philosophy.
#414
⇓
[whistles] You didn't sleep with her, did you?
#415
⇓
God, no.
#416
⇓
Philosophy is tricky.
#417
⇓
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