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Home » Detroiters » S02E08 — Hark Motors

Detroiters

Season 2, Episode 8 — Hark Motors

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Detroiters

Episode title: Hark Motors

Air date: August 02, 2018

Top billed cast: Sam Richardson, Tim Robinson

Sam and Tim decide to play dirty after Doner starts stealing their clients.

Source: TMDB

↓

- ♪ I got to get myself together, baby ♪

baby

↓

- That was a great business lunch.

business lunch

↓

You all full, Kathy?

full kathy

↓

- I guess.

↓

- I'm so full, I could barf a horse.

barf full horse

↓

- It was a pretty good meal, then.

meal

↓

- Yeah. - Mmm.

↓

- Judy Thompson?

judy thompson

↓

- Judy Thompson, VP of Marketing, Quicken Loans?

judy loans marketing quicken quicken-loans thompson

↓

We didn't know you were here.

↓

You could've sat with us cool guys.

cool couldve

↓

- Yeah. - Hi, guys.

↓

You know Ryan Lepchek of Doner Advertising?

advertising doner lepchek ryan ryan-lepchek

↓

- What's up, guys?

↓

- Yes, unfortunately.

unfortunately

↓

- [obnoxious laugh]

laugh obnoxious

↓

- This is our client Kathy from Sidewall Windows.

client kathy windows

↓

We're just discussing a new flyer we're making for her.

discussing flyer

↓

- Very cool. Quicken Loans is doing a new national campaign.

campaign cool loans national quicken quicken-loans

↓

They're not sure who they're going with yet, but, uh, wink wink.

wink

↓

- We'll do it. - Yeah, we're in, half price.

half price

↓

- No, fellas. - Yeah guys, it's not--

fellas

↓

- Uh, uh, Rocket Mortgage, pocket porgages.

mortgage pocket rocket

↓

It's a little pocket for porgages.

pocket

↓

- [stammering] Rocket Mortgages, uh, fast like a rocket.

fast rocket stammering

↓

Introducing your new spokesperson, the Flash.

flash introducing spokesperson

↓

- It's not about speed and more about how our simple process

process simple speed

↓

helps you understand everything so you can be confident.

confident helps

↓

- Okay, with all due respect,

respect

↓

who is more confident than the Flash, I wonder?

confident flash wonder

↓

- Yeah, he's literally the fastest man alive, so...

alive fastest

↓

- Oh, guys, I'm sorry to cut this short.

short

↓

This is my car.

↓

- Cool. - Nice. - Stupid.

cool stupid

↓

- Kathy, pleasure to meet you.

kathy meet pleasure

↓

Doner Advertising.

advertising doner

↓

[engine revs] - Sucks.

engine revs sucks

↓

- Frickin' Doner.

doner frickin

↓

- Don't say "boner" in front of a kid.

boner front

↓

- He didn't say "boner," idiot. He said "Doner."

boner doner idiot

↓

- [scoffs] Stay out of it, dickweed.

scoffs

↓

You're not the one who said "boner."

boner

↓

- I will say it.

↓

- Don't you fucking do it.

fucking

↓

- I will! Hey, buddy.

buddy

↓

Boner!

boner

↓

Oh... - Oh, yeah.

↓

- Shit!

↓

Freakin' husband's a psycho.

freakin husbands psycho

↓

- You're a psycho-- this isn't my husband.

husband psycho

↓

This is my son.

↓

- Ha-ha.

↓

- Come on, let's friggin' go.

friggin

↓

Here, Kathy, why don't you hop in?

kathy

↓

Hold on to the rope this time so you don't go

rope

↓

flying all over the place , okay?

flying place

↓

Oops, sorry, here you go.

oops

↓

Yeah.

↓

[car beeping]

beeping

↓

- You're gonna go to jail one day.

jail

↓

That's a promise.

promise

↓

[loud thud] Kathy: Ouch!

kathy loud ouch thud

↓

- I said hold on to the rope!

rope

↓

- ♪ Next time ♪

↓

♪ When they ask you ♪

↓

♪ Where you're from ♪

↓

♪ You gon' say Detroit City ♪

city detroit detroit-city

↓

♪ When we get back on our feet, yeah ♪

feet

↓

♪ Yeah ♪

↓

- I never said I saw Big Bird.

bird

↓

I said I saw the kind of bird Big Bird is.

bird

↓

- Yeah, well, I've seen that.

seen

↓

- Yeah, I know, everyone has, I know that.

↓

- Two more criminals were brutally apprehended

brutally criminals

↓

by a masked vigilante police are calling

calling masked police

↓

"Nerd Batman," due to his glasses.

batman glasses nerd

↓

I'm Mort Crim,

crim mort mort-crim

↓

which in French means death and crime.

crime death french

↓

- I lost 30 pounds.

lost lost-pounds pounds

↓

- I lost 40 pounds.

lost lost-pounds pounds

↓

I've lost so much weight,

lost weight

↓

I need a whole new wardrobe.

wardrobe whole

↓

- ♪ Medicinal Weight Loss ♪

loss weight weight-loss

↓

- I founded Medicinal Weight Loss to help people

founded loss weight weight-loss

↓

achieve their dream bodies.

achieve bodies dream

↓

I guess some dreams can come true.

dreams

↓

- ♪ Medicinal Weight Loss, the shape of you is new ♪

loss shape weight weight-loss

↓

- Dr. Mayflower made another ad

another mayflower

↓

without us?

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- Who the hell made it for him?

↓

- Doner made it, brah-brah.

brah doner

↓

- Doner? You left us for Doner?

doner left

↓

- This Lepchek guy said he can

lepchek

↓

increase my business by 15%.

business increase

↓

- Un-freaking-believable.

believable freaking

↓

- Said a guy like me should own a boat.

boat

↓

I don't have a boat. I want a boat.

boat

↓

- I told you you could borrow our pontoon boat

boat borrow

↓

anytime you want, just not during Jobbie Nooner.

anytime

↓

- But that's when I'ma need it.

↓

It's a boat party.

boat party

↓

For less money,

less money

↓

Lepchek did my commercial good.

commercial lepchek

↓

- Oh, our commercial was good.

commercial

↓

- Yeah, the guy said his kid didn't recognize him anymore,

anymore recognize

↓

and daddy wasn't funny since he lost the weight.

daddy funny lost weight

↓

- [laughs] - I mean, for the record,

laughs record

↓

we didn't ask him to say any of that.

↓

- But you still put it in the commercial.

commercial

↓

- Yeah, 'cause if we didn't put that in,

↓

we wouldn't have had enough stuff.

stuff

↓

- Guys, the new commercial's great,

commercials

↓

it's bringing in business,

bringing business

↓

and it actually lists my correct phone number

correct lists number phone phone-number

↓

on the screen.

screen

↓

- Lepchek.

lepchek

↓

- [groans]

groans

↓

[aggressive rock music]

aggressive music rock rock-music

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- May I help you?

↓

- Yes, please take this down.

↓

- Congratulations... congratulations.

congratulations

↓

You've awoken the beast,

beast

↓

and now the beast is gonna bite ya back.

beast bite

↓

- And who is this message for?

message

↓

- Ryan Lepchek.

lepchek ryan ryan-lepchek

↓

You can go ahead and just spray paint it on his desk

ahead desk go-ahead paint spray

↓

and trash his entire office, please.

entire office trash

↓

- Dani, that won't be necessary.

necessary

↓

- I wasn't gonna do it anyway. - Hmm.

↓

- Ryan Lepchek, you tall, fat drink of crap.

drink lepchek ryan ryan-lepchek tall

↓

- You stole our client, man.

client stole

↓

- Can you be more specific?

specific

↓

- Dr. Mayflower, oh, my God.

mayflower

↓

- You have General Mills. - Mm-hmm.

general mills

↓

- You have Chrysler.

chrysler

↓

- They're great.

↓

- Don't come to our toilet,

toilet

↓

reach in, and pull out our shit!

pull reach

↓

- Dr. Mayflower was our shit.

mayflower

↓

- Guys, this is how advertising works.

advertising works

↓

We steal each other's clients.

clients others steal

↓

Okay, uh, it's like this.

↓

Guy steals second base, right? He's not cheating.

base cheating second steals

↓

He's just trying to win the game.

game

↓

- Well, statistically speaking,

speaking statistically

↓

it's stupid to try and steal second base.

base second steal stupid

↓

I mean, moneyball. - It's basic moneyball.

basic

↓

- Okay, look, if it makes you feel any better,

makes

↓

it's nothing personal, okay?

personal

↓

We offered them a discount because

discount offered

↓

we needed some bottom-of-the-barrel clients

barrel bottom clients needed

↓

for our summer interns to train on, okay?

interns summer train

↓

- That does not make me feel any better, okay?

↓

Look, our clients are our family.

clients family

↓

- Thank you for coming in, Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

coming smith

↓

Oh, thank you so much for the cookies.

cookies

↓

- Our pleasure, Tyler.

pleasure tyler

↓

- Thank you for being so polite and professional.

polite professional

↓

- Irv and Doris Smith!

doris doris-smith smith

↓

- Tim. Sam.

↓

[stammers] It was just a meeting.

meeting stammers

↓

They invited us.

invited

↓

- We will talk about it later.

↓

Go wait in the car.

↓

- We drove here.

drove

↓

- Go wait in our car.

↓

- All right, game on, my friend.

friend game

↓

Game on.

game

↓

Now we come after your clients.

clients

↓

- See...

↓

now that we know how the game is played,

game played

↓

we're gonna play that game ourselves.

game

↓

- [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

- And I'ma let you know something.

↓

[whispers] We play for keeps.

keeps whispers

↓

- Okay.

↓

Well, guys, if you think you win by playing the game,

game playing

↓

then you've already lost, so...

lost

↓

- Freakin' hell. - Holy fucking shit.

freakin fucking holy

↓

- That was a knockout blow and he just left.

blow knockout left

↓

- Yeah, he walks away 'cause he knew it.

walks

↓

- He knew that it was a knockout. - He knew it.

knockout

↓

Okay, let's go. - Oh, that was devastating.

devastating

↓

[bass music]

bass music

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- This feels a little beneath us. - Yeah, totally.

beneath feels

↓

But here comes somebody. Let's do this!

comes somebody

↓

Excuse me. - Excuse us.

excuse

↓

- Excuse me, ma'am?

excuse maam

↓

You look like you're looking for

looking

↓

two of the best admen in town.

best town

↓

- Yeah, uh, we represent a small firm

firm represent

↓

that's not so small in talent--rude.

rude talent

↓

- Gosh.

gosh

↓

- Rude. - It's all good.

rude

↓

Ah, may we have a moment of your time?

moment

↓

- Yes, and if you're looking for a firm

firm looking

↓

that values people more than the bottom line--

bottom bottom-line line values

↓

- Not interested. - Ah--okay.

interested

↓

- Wow. - Okay.

↓

Wow. - My God.

↓

[car door slams]

door door-slams slams

↓

Hey, what's up, dudes?

dudes

↓

Hey, you heading into Doner?

doner heading

↓

- Ah, yes, we are. - Ah, too bad.

↓

- Excuse me? - Oh, it's just I heard you can get

excuse heard

↓

better service and a lower price

lower price service

↓

at a place called Cramblin Duvet.

called cramblin cramblin-duvet duvet place place-called

↓

- Cramblin Duvet.

cramblin cramblin-duvet duvet

↓

- Thanks for the tip, but I think we're good.

thanks

↓

- Ah, Doner sucks, sir.

doner sucks

↓

- Uh, seems like you suck.

seems suck

↓

- Do I suck? - No, man, no.

suck

↓

It's just, he came up with it so fast.

fast

↓

- Like, it was so quick.

quick

↓

- You don't suck at all.

suck

↓

- Thanks, bud.

thanks

↓

- Get out of here! - Hey!

↓

Why did you kick me out?

kick

↓

I'm a client of Doner.

client doner

↓

- We hate our clients here at Doner!

clients doner hate

↓

You bring your ass back around here,

bring

↓

I'ma whup your ass for no reason.

reason whup

↓

- Hey, you shouldn't have to be treated like that.

treated

↓

- Yeah, we run Cramblin Duvet,

cramblin cramblin-duvet duvet

↓

and we always treat our clients with respect

clients respect treat

↓

and never have our security guard

guard security security-guard

↓

kick them out for no reason.

kick reason

↓

- Well, you don't know what he did.

↓

- Doesn't matter what he did.

matter

↓

- What'd he do?

whatd

↓

- Uh, I think the point is that he...

point

↓

[stammers] Wasn't doing anything,

stammers

↓

and he kicked him out

kicked

↓

for no reason because the company is bad.

company reason

↓

- [scoffs] No reason?

reason scoffs

↓

The man cut his dick off in the break room!

break dick room

↓

- Too far. - [groans]

groans

↓

- Too far, Ned. - Ned, that is unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

- People, there's a microwave in there that people eat--

microwave

↓

be careful, there's dick blood everywhere.

blood careful dick

↓

W-watch your feet, you got on dress shoes.

dress feet shoes watch

↓

- Have a good day.

↓

All right, well, get back to work, Tommy.

tommy

↓

Thanks, Ned.

thanks

↓

- You guys need me, let me know.

↓

- Yep.

↓

- Hey, it's the suck twins.

suck twins

↓

How's the sucking business?

business sucking

↓

- You're the one who sucks!

sucks

↓

- Ohh, shit!

↓

[laughs] My dude!

laughs

↓

My dude!

↓

Burn, asshole!

asshole burn

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- Ahh!

↓

- Oh! My! God!

↓

Oh, my God, you hit my friend, you friggin' psycho!

friend friggin psycho

↓

- I'm so sorry. I feel like I had stopped.

stopped

↓

- No, you wasn't.

↓

You were still coming back like an idiot.

coming idiot

↓

- [groans] I'm huwt!

groans

↓

- He just came out of nowhere.

↓

- Yeah, tell that to your cellmate, man.

↓

- My head huwts.

head

↓

- Shh, come on-- why are you talking like that?

↓

[both giggle]

giggle

↓

- C-come closer.

closer

↓

I think these might be his last words, maybe.

might words

↓

- [groans]

groans

↓

On a scale of one to ten,

scale

↓

how happy are you with the service at Doner?

doner happy service

↓

- What?

↓

- I think he said, on a scale of one to ten,

scale

↓

how happy are you with your service over at Doner?

doner happy service

↓

- I don't get any service, I work there.

service

↓

- Work there? God damn it.

↓

- What kind of scam is this?

scam

↓

- I wasted, like, ten blood capsules on you.

blood wasted

↓

I keep on swallowing them.

swallowing

↓

- Don't waste people's time , sir.

peoples waste

↓

- You should be ashamed of yourself.

ashamed

↓

- Don't just eat the blood capsules.

blood

↓

Are you just swallowing 'em?

swallowing

↓

- Yeah. - I use these all the time.

↓

- Mr. Hark, you have designed some of

designed hark

↓

the greatest American cars in the last 20 years.

american cars greatest years

↓

So you creating your own car company

company creating

↓

is massive news, and we here at Doner--

doner massive news

↓

- Mr. Lepchek?

lepchek

↓

- Yes, Dani?

↓

- [chuckles] I am so sorry,

chuckles

↓

but those men are still here.

↓

- [sighs]

sighs

↓

[laughs] It's a couple of low-level ad guys

couple laughs level

↓

trying to steal our clients.

clients steal

↓

Um, it's fine as long as they're not harassing anyone.

harassing

↓

- They're saying this is Boner Advertising

advertising boner

↓

and they're not looking for clients.

clients looking

↓

- Boom! Lepchek: Shit. Mr. Hark.

boom hark lepchek

↓

- This place is boner.

boner place

↓

- Sir? Mr. Hark?

hark

↓

- So close to boner! - Hello, Boner?

boner close

↓

[both cackling]

cackling

↓

- All right, next time, let's

↓

just not wait for them to respond.

respond

↓

Let's just shove them in the car.

shove

↓

- Yeah, maybe we say we work for free, 'cause, I mean,

free

↓

it's not about the money. - No.

money

↓

- It's about stealing them from Doner.

doner stealing

↓

- Yeah, once they're in the car, we can tell them

↓

anything we want. - Yeah.

↓

- Drive.

drive

↓

- Holy shit, you're Allen Hark.

allen hark holy

↓

- I hear you're looking to steal one of Doner's clients.

clients looking steal

↓

- Well, you heard right.

heard

↓

- Then drive.

drive

↓

[Tyrone Chestnut's "The Bump" playing]

bump playing tyrone

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- ♪ Come on ♪♪

↓

- This is where my father worked his whole life.

father life whole whole-life worked

↓

- Ah.

↓

- The world our children will grow up in

children grow world

↓

is vastly different from the world we live in now.

live world

↓

- I don't have any children.

children

↓

- Yeah, I'm not even seriously dating anyone right now.

dating

↓

It's not that I'm a player, it's just, I like the idea of a first kiss.

idea kiss player

↓

- Yeah, he loves kisses. - Well, I don't have any children either.

children kisses loves

↓

I was just talking about the next generation.

generation

↓

- Yes. - Ah, cool, cool, cool, cool.

cool cool-cool cool-cool-cool

↓

- Other people's kids. - Yeah.

kids peoples

↓

- I've raised over $200 million in investor money

investor million money raised

↓

to start my own company, one that values creativity over conformity.

company creativity start values

↓

I went to Doner today. That kid, Lepchek?

doner lepchek today

↓

Gave me the best presentation I've ever seen.

best presentation seen

↓

But I don't want to bring a boxer to a knife fight.

boxer bring fight knife

↓

I want the kind of guys that'll bring a gun

bring thatll

↓

to a kid's birthday party.

birthday birthday-party kids party

↓

- That's us. - A toy gun, I guess.

↓

- Yeah, but we'd do it. - We would, for sure.

↓

- I can make the best car in the world,

best world

↓

but it won't matter if no one wants to buy it.

matter wants

↓

- We're your guys. - Mm-hmm.

↓

- Are you? - Yeah.

↓

- Sell me this pencil.

pencil sell

↓

- Excuse me?

excuse

↓

- Sell me the pencil.

pencil sell

↓

- Uh--the--okay. - Uh...

↓

- Uh, no problem, no problem at all.

problem

↓

- Yeah, here it comes.

comes

↓

[both stammering]

stammering

↓

- Life goes by so fast, and each day you see-- - Sell me the pencil.

fast life pencil sell

↓

- I... - Yep, yep.

↓

Well, first let's get you a water or something.

water

↓

You thirsty? - The pencil!

pencil thirsty

↓

- Welcome to this--our store.

store welcome

↓

We've been in business for a little while.

business

↓

- Little while. We're struggling.

struggling

↓

- Okay, I'll sell you my car.

sell

↓

- No, no, sell me the pencil.

pencil sell

↓

- 600 bucks, that's what I'm saying,

bucks

↓

lease to own, 30 bucks a month,

bucks lease month

↓

I pay your car insurance.

insurance

↓

- That's a terrible deal for you.

deal

↓

- Is that yes? Is that a yes?

↓

- You know what?

↓

This isn't a pencil.

pencil

↓

No...

↓

this is a, uh,

↓

trumpet.

trumpet

↓

[imitating trumpet]

imitating trumpet

↓

Jazz.

jazz

↓

- Holy... [stammers]

holy stammers

↓

- Whatever, I already own the pencil.

pencil

↓

- Well, yeah, exactly.

↓

How are we gonna sell it to you if you already own it?

sell

↓

- The whole pencil thing was fun but a little stupid.

fun pencil stupid whole

↓

- Yeah, it was fun, though. - It was dumb.

dumb fun

↓

- It was dumb. - But it taught me something.

dumb taught

↓

You guys are hungry,

hungry

↓

and that's a good thing, because, gentlemen,

gentlemen

↓

I've made the car of the future.

future

↓

both: Whoa.

whoa

↓

- And you are going to help me sell it.

sell

↓

[car door slams] Sam: Is he walking?

door door-slams slams walking

↓

- Sir, you probably shouldn't walk here. - Is he walking?

walk walking

↓

- Tim, I think we just sold Hark Motors.

hark sold

↓

[both laugh]

laugh

↓

- Hey, Susan, quick question.

question quick quick-question susan

↓

Is it too late for me to buy

late

↓

Girl Scout cookies from your daughter?

cookies daughter girl girl-scout scout

↓

- Lepchek!

lepchek

↓

You old barrel of dog piss and dog shit.

barrel piss

↓

- Hey. - Guess who we just landed?

landed

↓

- Hark Motors.

hark

↓

- Stole him from right under your nose.

nose stole

↓

[both snicker]

↓

- I mean, no offense, but how did you guys land Hark Motors?

hark land offense

↓

- We're smart. - We gonna bury you guys, steal all your--

bury smart steal

↓

- [sighs] - Mm.

sighs

↓

- Cash for Copper Carl,

carl cash copper

↓

what are you doing here?

↓

- Tim and Sam.

↓

I'm just simply listening

listening simply

↓

to what these business people have to say.

business

↓

- Yeah, but you're our client.

client

↓

- Be that as it may,

↓

they say they can help me with my auto shop

auto shop

↓

that replaces car windows and car radios

windows

↓

should somebody have smashed your car window

smashed somebody window

↓

and taken your car radio.

radio taken

↓

- [sigh] Smart.

sigh smart

↓

- Just a nice business idea. - Good idea.

business business-idea idea

↓

- Helpful for people. - Frickin' good idea.

frickin helpful idea

↓

- Gentlemen. - See ya.

gentlemen

↓

- Yeah.

↓

You really are a piece of giant horse crap.

giant horse piece

↓

- I don't know what type of rivalry you think we have,

rivalry type

↓

but honestly, I just want the best for you guys.

best

↓

- And we want to kill you.

kill

↓

- D-E-A-D.

↓

Frickin...

frickin

↓

[both mouthing words]

mouthing mouthing-words words

↓

- Offensive. I don't come into your office

offensive office

↓

and flip off that nice old lady that sits in that front desk.

desk flip front lady sits

↓

- She's not nice. - She's not nice.

↓

She is old.

↓

- She's not nice. - Bips.

↓

[funky music]

funky funky-music music

↓

- Welcome, welcome.

welcome welcome-welcome

↓

- Goodness!

goodness

↓

Here, this is for you.

↓

- [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

"Zug Island Dog Dick Cabernet."

dick island

↓

- Yeah. It had the funniest name of all the ones in the store.

funniest name ones store

↓

- That's very funny, thank you.

funny

↓

- Did you see the ad we placed in the paper?

paper placed

↓

- I see.

↓

Now you've publicly entwined our destinies.

publicly

↓

Very good.

↓

Well, I hope you won't think I'm an old fuddy-duddy

hope

↓

for asking you to remove your shoes in the house.

asking house remove shoes

↓

- Oh, no, not at all.

↓

- Oh no, my grandma does the same thing.

grandma

↓

- And put on these shoes.

shoes

↓

- Okay.

↓

- Right now?

↓

- This is the south staircase. It's the down one.

south

↓

We use the north staircase to go up.

north

↓

- Uh, um, can you go up on this one?

↓

[ding]

ding

↓

- Hello, Allen.

allen

↓

- Whoa, cool.

cool whoa

↓

- Smart homes have been done.

homes smart

↓

I wanted my home to be completely intuitive.

completely home wanted

↓

It knows what I want before I know myself.

knows

↓

- Good night, Allen.

allen night

↓

[ding]

ding

↓

- [chuckles] Lights on.

chuckles lights

↓

[ding] - Hello, Allen.

allen ding

↓

- I guess I must be tired.

must tired

↓

- Or maybe I am.

↓

- No. It only responds to me.

responds

↓

- No, I-- no, I know, I was just joking.

joking

↓

- So, uh, Allen,

allen

↓

when are we gonna get a look at this new car?

↓

We'd love to come up with a marketing strategy,

love marketing strategy

↓

take it for a test drive.

drive test

↓

- Patience, Tim.

patience

↓

All will be revealed after dinner.

dinner revealed

↓

Not to malign what you do,

↓

but this car is going to sell itself.

sell

↓

- Well, that should make our job pretty easy.

easy

↓

- I'll still expect you to do your best work.

best expect

↓

- No, I know, I was just joking again.

joking

↓

- Just chill out, lay off the gas.

chill

↓

- I know, I'm just trying... - Whoa.

whoa

↓

- Oh.

↓

[whirring]

whirring

↓

- Thank you.

↓

Beautiful, isn't she?

↓

- Hmm?

↓

- [chuckles] It's okay, we're all men.

chuckles

↓

There's no need to be shy here.

↓

Do you find her very beautiful?

↓

- I mean, if you do.

↓

- Let me ask you something, gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

- Would you believe she is, in fact,

believe fact

↓

a robot?

robot

↓

- Yes. - Yes, I would.

↓

- Well, that's because I told you.

↓

- No, 'cause...

↓

- Had I not used the word "robot,"

robot used word

↓

you wouldn't have suspected.

suspected

↓

- It's very, very obvious.

obvious

↓

- Most men would kill for a wife like that.

kill wife

↓

- Is that your wife?

wife

↓

- The face of a Mona Lisa. Brains too.

brains face lisa

↓

- Brains of Mona Lisa?

brains lisa

↓

- Shall we eat?

↓

It appears my house believes

appears believes house

↓

that I wanted spaghetti tonight,

spaghetti tonight wanted

↓

and I'm confident that deep down, I do.

confident deep

↓

- I guess deep down you didn't want any meatballs either.

deep meatballs

↓

- Good night, Allen. [ding]

allen ding night

↓

- Hmm. - There it goes.

↓

- Lights on.

lights

↓

[ding] - Hello, Allen.

allen ding

↓

- Guess I must be tired.

must tired

↓

Sam, you'll be interested in this.

interested

↓

It's the ceremony where I became an honorary black man.

became black ceremony honorary

↓

That's why I'm allowed to say the N word.

allowed word

↓

- [whispers] No.

whispers

↓

- Right this way, gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

- He's nuts.

nuts

↓

This car's gonna be made out of cardboard.

cardboard cars

↓

- He's not allowed to say the N word.

allowed word

↓

[exciting music]

exciting exciting-music music

↓

- Gentlemen, introducing the world's first

gentlemen introducing worlds

↓

zero emissions car. [ding]

ding emissions zero

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- Whoa.

whoa

↓

- Zero emissions?

emissions zero

↓

- That's right.

↓

I've engineered it so that this car takes

takes

↓

all of its harmful carbon emissions and exhausts

carbon emissions

↓

and expels it

↓

into a non-toxic blob.

toxic

↓

Listen that engine purr.

engine purr

↓

- That looks like shit.

↓

- [chuckles] Well, no.

chuckles

↓

It's emissions.

emissions

↓

The car shoots out an emissions blob.

emissions shoots

↓

- So, it shits?

shits

↓

- I don't think you understand the significance

↓

of what I've done here.

↓

- You've invented a shitting car.

invented shitting

↓

- It's not shit. It's a blob.

↓

- Uh, can you make it any other color?

color

↓

- No, I've tried.

tried

↓

- Well, it smells like shit.

smells

↓

- No, it doesn't.

↓

- Then what does it smell like?

smell

↓

- [sighs] - Mm-hmm.

sighs

↓

Uh, all right, look, you've got plenty of money.

money plenty

↓

We can fix this.

↓

- The money's gone.

gone moneys

↓

- You spent $200 million on a shitting car

million shitting spent

↓

and a robot with boobs?

boobs robot

↓

- Once people start buying the car,

buying start

↓

there'll be no end of money.

money therell

↓

We can do this thing together.

↓

- Okay, how much do you think

↓

people are gonna pay for a crapping car?

crapping

↓

- I was hoping $1.5 million.

hoping million

↓

- Each?

↓

- Yeah, the car costs $1.4 million to make.

costs million

↓

This is very disappointing.

disappointing

↓

I should never have trusted Lepchek about you.

lepchek trusted

↓

- Lepchek told you to hire us?

hire lepchek

↓

- That asshole!

asshole

↓

- Well, good-bye, Allen.

allen

↓

Thanks for the spaghetti.

spaghetti thanks

↓

Good luck to you and yours.

luck

↓

- Give me $1,000 and I'll let you sleep with my wife.

sleep wife

↓

- What?

↓

- Aww, come on.

↓

I see the way you've been looking at her.

looking

↓

- [scoffs]

scoffs

↓

- I mean, maybe we don't have to tell anybody

anybody

↓

that he's insane and broke.

broke insane

↓

- Yeah, I mean, maybe people

↓

would want a car that shits for $1 million.

million shits

↓

- Yeah, maybe.

↓

- [laughs]

laughs

↓

What a psycho.

psycho

↓

- Oh, I know!

↓

Freaking psycho! - Right? He's nuts.

freaking nuts psycho

↓

- Jesus.

jesus

↓

- What did that idiot say he wanted to sleep with his wife?

idiot sleep wanted wife

↓

- Oh. - 1,000 bucks?

bucks

↓

Nuts. - Yeah.

nuts

↓

- He'd probably let me do it for, like, $500.

↓

- Sam. - I'm not gonna.

↓

- You piece of crap!

piece

↓

- I'm sorry, Mr. Lepchek, I tried to stop them.

lepchek tried

↓

- You barely tried.

barely tried

↓

- I don't want to kick your ass.

kick

↓

- [scoffs] - Whatever.

scoffs

↓

- How can I help you guys?

↓

- You told Allen Hark to hire us to sell

allen hark hire sell

↓

his pooping car to make us laughingstocks.

pooping

↓

- What? No. I said you were psychos.

↓

- You son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

- That's exactly what he wanted to hear!

wanted

↓

- Guys, that honestly wasn't my intention, all right?

intention

↓

Call it even?

↓

- No, it's not even. You stole from us.

stole

↓

Now we are going to steal from you.

steal

↓

- Yeah, something from this office.

office

↓

- Yeah.

↓

- Okay, what are you gonna steal?

steal

↓

- I'm gonna steal your laptop.

laptop steal

↓

- Not the laptop. - Oh, no,

laptop

↓

I'm not stealing that. It's expensive.

expensive stealing

↓

I'll get in huge trouble.

huge trouble

↓

- You know what, I'm taking this

↓

dragon skeleton thing.

dragon skeleton

↓

- That's an actual Maniraptoran dinosaur fossil.

actual dinosaur fossil

↓

- Oh, sweet.

sweet

↓

- Aw, God damn it, that's cool.

cool

↓

- Thanks. - What about this thing?

thanks

↓

It's dumb, who cares.

cares dumb

↓

Ooh.

↓

- Well, I guess you picked your item.

item picked

↓

- No! I don't want that. It's broken!

broken

↓

- God damn it, Sam, we could've had that dino!

couldve

↓

- [grumbling] I know.

grumbling

↓

- Best of luck to you guys.

best luck

↓

- Eat a butt, Lepchek!

butt lepchek

↓

- [laughing]

laughing

↓

[funky music]

funky funky-music music

↓

- [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

I honestly like those guys.

↓

- What?

↓

- Nothing, Tim.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- ♪ My mama got it, mama got it ♪

mama

↓

♪ My papa got it ♪

papa

↓

- Hey, it's the suck twins.

suck twins

↓

How's the sucking business?

business sucking

↓

- You're the one who sucks.

sucks

↓

- Ohh, shit!

↓

[laughs] My dude!

laughs

↓

My dude!

↓

Burn, asshole! - In your face.

asshole burn face

↓

- That's John Kerry. That is John Kerry.

john kerry

↓

- I think that is--