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Home » Detroiters » S02E06 — Mort Crim

Detroiters

Season 2, Episode 6 — Mort Crim

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Detroiters

Episode title: Mort Crim

Air date: July 19, 2018

Director: Dale Stern

Top billed cast: Sam Richardson, Tim Robinson

The guys court legendary newscaster Mort Crim to be the celebrity spokesperson for one of their clients, Ned ramps up security in the building.

Source: TMDB

↓

Commercial idea. Ready for this?

commercial idea ready

↓

cook that shit or your ass gonna get sick.

cook sick

↓

Ah, that's pretty good, Ned.

↓

Ah-ah-ah, this one gonna twist your drawers up.

drawers twist

↓

Ready for this? Onion rings: French fries

french french-fries fries onion ready rings

↓

with pussy holes.

holes pussy

↓

- Whoa. - Hold on, guys.

whoa

↓

Need you to sign in, man.

sign

↓

Sir, I need you to sign in. Sir?

sign

↓

Sir. Sir!

↓

Aren't you going to stop him?

↓

All I can do is three "sirs."

sirs three

↓

He looked all right, though. Glasses...

glasses looked

↓

- Yeah, it's fine. - All right, cool.

cool

↓

Christmas, right?

christmas

↓

Actually, Ned, we gotta go.

↓

We're gonna miss "Chump of the Week."

chump miss week

↓

Oh, love "Chump of the Week," man.

chump love week

↓

You think he might do the one about my man

might

↓

who got the kangaroo in his apartment?

apartment kangaroo

↓

No, that was last week's chump.

chump weeks

↓

They don't repeat. Come on, Tim, we gotta go.

repeat

↓

And now it's time for Mort Crim's

mort

↓

"Chump of the Week."

chump week

↓

- Just in time. - Shh.

↓

You know who pissed me off?

pissed

↓

Dale Stern, the principal of Diana Lewis Elementary,

dale diana elementary lewis principal stern

↓

who permanently cancelled pizza Fridays.

cancelled fridays permanently pizza

↓

Now, if pizza's not healthy,

healthy pizzas

↓

how come I've never seen a fat Italian?

italian seen

↓

You, sir, are a pepperoni.

pepperoni

↓

And you are my "Chump of the Week."

chump week

↓

Chump.

chump

↓

Good luck getting an omelet in this town

luck omelet town

↓

without a pube in it.

↓

Yeah, yeah, more like,

↓

good luck trying to get a pepperoni in this town

luck pepperoni town

↓

without a pube in it.

↓

How's that better?

↓

Good night, Detroit.

detroit night

↓

I'm Mort Crim, and that's all the news

crim mort mort-crim news

↓

from the entire world.

entire entire-world world

↓

Dude, well, then you date her.

date

↓

Listen, bro, she made chicken

chicken

↓

in front of a chicken.

chicken front

↓

The chicken was looking at me like I was crazy.

chicken crazy looking

↓

I'm like, fam, I don't know what to tell you.

↓

So, now I got the chicken in my house

chicken house

↓

and now I can't eat chicken... Oh, yo!

chicken

↓

It's the kangaroo man.

kangaroo

↓

Yo, sir, what's in the pouch? Can I fight it?

fight

↓

I'll beat the shit out of this kangaroo.

beat kangaroo

↓

Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com

corrected synced

↓

Like I said, man, I just keep seeing it.

seeing

↓

There was like, five or six of 'em,

five

↓

all women, all big as hell,

women

↓

big ass backs, big ass titties, too.

backs titties

↓

They all had the same scorpion tattoo on their neck.

neck scorpion tattoo

↓

They was like, "Who do you work for?

↓

Who do you work for?"

↓

I'm looking like, "The goddamn U.S. of A."

goddamn looking

↓

And they was like, "Oh!"

↓

And then one of 'em grabbed my...

grabbed

↓

Whoa, what happened, Ned?

happened whoa

↓

I left the door open last night

door door-open left night open

↓

and somebody snuck in here and robbed us.

robbed snuck somebody

↓

I was at home.

home

↓

Oh, crap, my leather jacket!

jacket leather

↓

- We were robbed. - My jacket.

jacket robbed

↓

They took the copy machine and all the paper.

copy machine paper

↓

They didn't take my jacket.

jacket

↓

They took my laptop.

laptop

↓

Look, it could have been a lot worse.

worse

↓

All right? It's just a laptop.

laptop

↓

They took her laptop but not my beautiful jacket?

jacket laptop

↓

This robber's a dork.

dork robbers

↓

They stole my work Scotch.

scotch stole

↓

Sheila, we can get you new Scotch, okay?

scotch sheila

↓

The important thing is that nobody was hurt.

hurt nobody

↓

Sam, they stole your top hat.

stole

↓

With the holly?

holly

↓

What is wrong with this city?

city

↓

Maybe they didn't see the jacket.

jacket

↓

Yeah, but they definitely would have smelled it.

smelled

↓

It's brand new. It stinks.

brand stinks

↓

That's true. It stinks bad in here.

stinks

↓

It certainly does. It certainly does.

certainly

↓

So, what we were thinking was, we open the showroom

open thinking

↓

of Garner Weich Furniture, you know,

furniture garner garner-weich garner-weich-furniture weich weich-furniture

↓

see chairs, we see sofas.

chairs

↓

Then we land on the two of you

land

↓

sitting in a loveseat, talking directly to camera.

camera directly sitting

↓

Oh, no, we don't want to be in the commercial.

commercial

↓

Oh, really?

↓

We think you guys would be great.

↓

We're afraid people will recognize us

afraid recognize

↓

from our user-submitted PornHub video.

pornhub user video

↓

Pardon me real quick, I have to check my email privately.

check email pardon privately quick real real-quick

↓

Uh, okay.

↓

Well, in that case,

case

↓

we hire a spokesperson.

hire spokesperson

↓

Oh, what kind of spokesperson?

spokesperson

↓

Could be a sports figure, a character actor.

actor character figure sports

↓

I guess the question is,

question

↓

who do you want representing your company?

company representing

↓

Seriously?

↓

We would like someone with integrity,

integrity

↓

someone that people can trust,

trust

↓

someone with gravitas.

↓

Could it be an animal?

animal

↓

Uh, yeah, that'd be great,

thatd

↓

but we're not allowed to work with animals anymore.

allowed animals anymore

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

We glued two bugs together for an exterminator commercial.

bugs commercial exterminator glued

↓

Why?

↓

To make it look like they were kissing.

kissing

↓

And Mort Crim doesn't usually comment

comment crim mort mort-crim usually

↓

on commercials, but he called it a "bummer."

bummer called commercials

↓

Hey, what about Mort Crim?

crim mort mort-crim

↓

- Oh. - He called it a bummer.

bummer called

↓

The words just came out of my mouth.

mouth words

↓

No, no, what about Mort Crim for the commercial?

commercial crim mort mort-crim

↓

That's...

↓

Eat shit.

↓

Yeah, Mort Crim?

crim mort mort-crim

↓

You don't like him?

↓

No, we love him.

love

↓

It's just, you're not gonna get him.

↓

He's freaking Mort Crim.

crim freaking mort mort-crim

↓

Yeah, I mean, if you're Nike,

nike

↓

but it's not gonna happen.

happen

↓

- It's impossible. - Hey.

impossible

↓

If you would've told me that someday

someday wouldve

↓

I would be married to this incredible woman

incredible married woman

↓

and live in the nicest house in Bloomfield Hills

hills house live nicest

↓

and have these muscles,

muscles

↓

I wouldn't have believed you.

believed

↓

In my experience, gentlemen,

experience gentlemen

↓

anything is possible.

possible

↓

Yeah. You know what?

↓

- We'll try. - We believe in you.

believe

↓

- Oh, cool, that should help. - Yeah, sure.

cool

↓

- Yeah, thank you so much. - Great.

↓

Thanks for coming down. Appreciate it.

appreciate coming thanks

↓

- Absolute pleasure. - Drive safe driving home.

absolute drive drive-safe driving home pleasure safe

↓

She stomps on his balls.

balls

↓

He's a naughty boy,

naughty

↓

and she stomps on his balls.

balls

↓

- Oh, my God. - I know.

↓

- Let me see it. - Yeah, here you go.

↓

- No! - Ooh!

↓

- Bad boy! - Ooh.

↓

Tim, that jacket stinks like shit.

jacket stinks

↓

Yeah, well, I'm wearing it, so deal with it.

deal wearing

↓

I'm going to meet Mort Crim.

crim meet mort mort-crim

↓

You can't lock a goddamn door?

door goddamn lock

↓

These criminal masterminds didn't break a window.

break criminal window

↓

They didn't scale a wall.

scale wall

↓

They walked in an unlocked door.

door unlocked walked

↓

I am so sorry, ma'am.

maam

↓

Ma'am?

maam

↓

Oh. Do I look like your momma?

↓

Do I look like the one who held your head

head held

↓

in the bathtub till all the brain cells disappeared?

bathtub brain cells disappeared till

↓

I ain't your momma.

aint

↓

Wanda? It's really not that big of a deal.

deal wanda

↓

We just lost a top hat and a printer.

lost printer

↓

Well, not just a top hat, asshole.

asshole

↓

It had a sprig of holly in it.

holly

↓

Well, I thank you for your input, sirs.

input sirs

↓

Have a wonderful and safe day.

safe

↓

We at Emperor Security value your input and your things.

emperor input security value

↓

Thank you so much. And take it easy on Ned.

easy

↓

He's the nicest security guard.

guard nicest security security-guard

↓

Well, thank you. That's wonderful to hear.

↓

Yeah, great.

↓

They love you, huh?

love

↓

Aren't you Mr. Popular?

popular

↓

Oh. Oh, you're Joe Cool.

cool

↓

You're Snoopy with the sunglasses.

sunglasses

↓

You screw up one more goddamn time,

goddamn screw

↓

and you'll be back-checking hand stamps at Chuck E. Cheese.

checking cheese chuck hand stamps

↓

Uh, two beers, please.

beers

↓

Say, word has it that Mort Crim plays pool here.

crim mort mort-crim plays pool word

↓

Is that true? He wouldn't happen to be here

happen

↓

now, would he?

↓

Better luck next time, Laredo.

luck

↓

Class dismissed.

class class-dismissed dismissed

↓

Yeah, Rachel, another double ginger ale

another double ginger rachel

↓

with a splash of cranberry juice.

cranberry cranberry-juice juice splash

↓

Hi, Mr. Crim.

crim

↓

I'm Sam Duvet.

duvet

↓

I know who you are. We're friends on Facebook.

facebook friends

↓

Whoa, you... you memorized all your Facebook friends?

facebook facebook-friends friends memorized whoa

↓

Well, I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn't.

friend

↓

- Yeah. - Well... well... ha.

↓

Since we're friends, I don't mind telling you

friends mind mind-telling telling

↓

I never miss a "Chump of the Week."

chump miss week

↓

They ever considered going "Chump of the Day"?

chump considered

↓

Well, the suits would like me to do it every hour,

hour suits

↓

but, you know, what makes it special

makes special

↓

is the fact that it's once a week.

fact week

↓

It's anticipation.

↓

It's like flirting is sometimes more fun than sex.

flirting fun sometimes

↓

Yeah.

↓

I like the sex, though.

↓

I like soup, too, son,

soup

↓

but I just enjoy heating it up first.

enjoy heating

↓

Oh.

↓

Ho, ho!

↓

- Man. - Yes.

↓

Mort, can we buy you a drink?

drink mort

↓

Yeah, you sure can. And food too.

food

↓

- Yeah... - Yeah, by all means.

↓

- Yeah, we can also order food. - We'll all just...

food order

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah, we'll just have

↓

a big ol' supper, all of us.

supper

↓

So I swear to God, I say to Marvin Gaye,

marvin swear

↓

"What's going on?"

↓

And it's like a lightning bolt hit,

bolt lightning

↓

and he says, "Mort",

mort

↓

you know I already did an album with that name."

album name

↓

Oh, Mort, I hope it's not crossing a line,

crossing hope line mort

↓

but... we run a small ad firm

firm

↓

and we'd love for you to come and be the spokesperson

love spokesperson

↓

for Garner Weich Furniture.

furniture garner garner-weich garner-weich-furniture weich weich-furniture

↓

We know it's just a local commercial,

commercial local

↓

but when we think of a name that people trust,

name trust

↓

only one comes to mind.

comes mind

↓

A man who taught us about the world.

taught world

↓

The man who picks us up on our worst days

days picks worst

↓

and cheers us on in our best.

best cheers

↓

The man we rely on.

rely

↓

Mort Crim.

crim mort mort-crim

↓

So, what's the commercial about?

commercial

↓

Oh, it's... it's great.

↓

You point to a pull-out couch and you say,

couch point pull

↓

"Come on down to Garner Weich Furniture,

furniture garner garner-weich garner-weich-furniture weich weich-furniture

↓

where we don't sleep on savings."

savings sleep

↓

No, no, no, no. I mean, what's the big idea?

idea

↓

Why... why do this commercial now?

commercial

↓

- Uh... yeah. - Sell... sell furniture.

furniture sell

↓

No, no, no. I mean, the commercial's got to

commercials

↓

speak to what people really care about.

care speak

↓

Now, what do you do on a sofa?

sofa

↓

You watch TV, you read to the kids,

kids read watch

↓

you pay some bills.

bills

↓

But it's a place where you think about the things

place

↓

the economy, health insurance,

economy health health-insurance insurance

↓

ISIS, North Korea. It's not a sofa.

isis korea north north-korea sofa

↓

It's Plymouth Rock.

plymouth rock

↓

You want to sell furniture, you go get Guy Gordon.

furniture gordon sell

↓

You want Mort Crim, you better be ready to get real.

crim mort mort-crim ready real

↓

Well, sir, we're ready to get real.

ready real

↓

- Yes. - All right, now,

↓

let's get down to brass tacks.

brass

↓

Who shit in his pants?

pants

↓

- It's Tim's jacket. - Shut up.

jacket tims

↓

It stinks.

stinks

↓

Should we say "sturdy" or "dependable"?

dependable sturdy

↓

Like, which one sounds more like Mort?

mort sounds

↓

I think he would say "sturdy" and "dependable."

dependable sturdy

↓

"Sturdy and dependable." That's perfect.

dependable perfect sturdy

↓

That sounds just like Mort.

mort sounds

↓

Father in the picture?

father picture

↓

- Good, good. - Hey, Mort.

mort

↓

Hey, guys, this script is fantastic.

fantastic script

↓

Oh. Right here,

↓

where it says "sturdy," you mind if I say

mind sturdy

↓

"sturdy and dependable"?

dependable sturdy

↓

Ha. Go right ahead, Mort.

ahead mort

↓

I mean, you really captured my voice.

captured voice

↓

It's like I wrote it myself.

wrote

↓

Might want to do a few changes on the fly.

changes might

↓

- Oh, no problem, absolutely. - Mm-hmm.

absolutely problem

↓

We are all set. Are you ready, Mr. Crim?

crim ready

↓

Well, no, but that's never stopped me.

stopped

↓

Come on.

↓

- Lay off the gas, man. - Shut up, Tim.

↓

Mort cares.

cares mort

↓

Here we go.

↓

And... action.

action

↓

Hi, I'm Mort Crim.

crim mort mort-crim

↓

I'd like to talk to you about Garner Weich Furniture.

furniture garner garner-weich garner-weich-furniture weich weich-furniture

↓

It's sturdy and dependable

dependable sturdy

↓

and oh, so fluffy.

fluffy

↓

We here at Garner Weich understand the importance

garner garner-weich importance weich

↓

of comfort in an uncomfortable world.

comfort uncomfortable world

↓

The economy in shambles.

economy

↓

Unemployment at an all-time high.

unemployment

↓

And the chilling reality

chilling reality

↓

that we're living every moment

living moment

↓

in the bloodthirsty crosshairs of ISIS.

bloodthirsty isis

↓

- What? - Folks, I won't sugarcoat it.

folks

↓

ISIS won't stop until every last one of us

isis

↓

is pink mist in the wind.

pink wind

↓

Cut.

↓

That's not in the script.

script

↓

Yeah, we'll get him back on track.

track

↓

Yeah, no worries.

worries

↓

That felt good.

↓

Yeah, it was great.

↓

Absolutely perfect.

absolutely absolutely-perfect perfect

↓

The one note is,

note

↓

maybe on this one, don't do the ISIS stuff.

isis stuff

↓

I'm giving you gold.

giving gold

↓

Don't make me shovel crap.

shovel

↓

- Yep. - Yeah, we... we won't.

↓

Did you tell him?

↓

Yeah, we gave him the note.

note

↓

So, he's going to stick to the script?

script stick

↓

He's gonna talk about ISIS. And action.

action isis

↓

ISIS, let's settle this thing once and for all.

isis settle

↓

You choose your best man, send him here to Garner Weich

best choose garner garner-weich send weich

↓

to fight me, Mort Crim.

crim fight mort mort-crim

↓

Winner take all. You win, America's yours.

americas winner

↓

I win, you give democracy a good old college try.

college democracy

↓

Plus, there's a cash prize.

cash plus prize

↓

25,000 to the winner.

winner

↓

25K, take home, tax-free,

free home

↓

put up by my good friends at Garner Weich.

friends garner garner-weich weich

↓

Cut.

↓

Print that one.

print

↓

Whoa, whoa, sir... Ah, ah, ah.

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

My man, get your big ass over there and sign in.

sign

↓

Before I get up there and pop your head like a pimple.

head

↓

- Pop. - You can't touch me.

touch

↓

You can only say "sir" three times.

three three-times times

↓

New day, fat ass.

↓

New Ned, too.

↓

New balls on this new Ned are bigger, stronger.

balls bigger stronger

↓

I'm geared up.

↓

Pepper spray, handcuffs, big-ass flashlight,

flashlight pepper pepper-spray spray

↓

rubber gun.

rubber

↓

Don't tell nobody my gun rubber, neither.

nobody rubber

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sign in.

sign whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

- What? - Since when?

↓

Since I let a robber come in here and make a fool out of me.

fool robber

↓

All right, well, why don't you just close the door

close door

↓

properly when you leave?

properly

↓

It's not about the door, Sam!

door

↓

What's up?

↓

Wanda was going crazy on me,

crazy wanda

↓

talking about firing me,

firing

↓

sending me back to Chuck E. Cheese.

cheese chuck sending

↓

I'm not going back to Chuck E. Cheese.

cheese chuck

↓

The guy wore his real jeans.

jeans real wore

↓

- What...? - Like, his real jeans

jeans real

↓

from home. Like, jeans, a shirt,

home jeans shirt

↓

big-ass Chuck E. Cheese head.

cheese chuck head

↓

- Son of a bitch. - I can't take that, man.

bitch

↓

Yeah, yeah, no, I know. I'll tell Sam.

↓

- Yeah, tell Sam. - Yeah, I will, I will.

↓

Toby, no sunglasses in the building, man.

building sunglasses toby

↓

Take 'em off or I'll whoop your ass.

whoop

↓

Just sunglasses, man.

sunglasses

↓

Well, then, just take 'em off

↓

your big, Frankenstein-ass head.

frankenstein head

↓

Okay, Ned. I'll take off the sunglasses.

sunglasses

↓

I know you will.

↓

Because I am not going back to Chuck E. Cheese.

cheese chuck

↓

People always ask how Garner Weich Furniture

furniture garner garner-weich garner-weich-furniture weich weich-furniture

↓

keeps its prices so low.

keeps prices

↓

Oh, I hope Mort's okay with the edits we had to make.

hope

↓

He'll be fine. He's a pro.

↓

He knows, at the end of the day

knows

↓

it's all about pleasing the client...

client

↓

What's our secret?

secret

↓

Detroit newscasting legend Mort Crim.

crim detroit legend mort mort-crim

↓

Hi, I'm Mort Crim, and I guarantee

crim guarantee mort mort-crim

↓

- I will kill... - Prices.

kill prices

↓

- I will slash... in half. - Prices.

half prices slash

↓

- I'm gonna smoke... - Prices.

prices smoke

↓

Out of their hiding places, and rip...

hiding places

↓

- Prices. - Apart with my bare hands.

apart bare bare-hands hands prices

↓

- This watermelon is... - Prices.

prices watermelon

↓

- Prices. - You just bought yourself

bought prices

↓

a one-way ticket to hell.

ticket

↓

- Huh? - Actually not bad.

↓

- Pretty good. - Yeah.

↓

Garner Weich Furniture. We hate high...

furniture garner garner-weich garner-weich-furniture hate weich weich-furniture

↓

- Prices. - Pretty good.

prices

↓

Well, son of a butcher.

butcher

↓

Normally I don't comment on the commercials,

comment commercials normally

↓

but that's not what I said.

↓

It just sucks being tricked.

sucks tricked

↓

Oh.

↓

Moving on, a sinkhole in Clinton Township caused a...

caused clinton moving township

↓

You know what?

↓

I'm gonna do something I usually reserve

reserve usually

↓

for the end of the show.

↓

But I'm doing it now. Queue it, Donnie.

donnie

↓

And now it's time for... _

↓

- Oh, no. - Oh, God, please don't do it.

↓

Sam Duvet and Tim Cramblin,

cramblin duvet

↓

local businessmen and liars,

businessmen liars local

↓

are my "Chumps of the Week."

chumps week

↓

And that's that.

↓

Morning, chumps.

chumps morning

↓

- You're fired. - Sam...

fired

↓

Oh, whatever.

↓

I didn't sleep at all last night.

night sleep

↓

I'm "Chump of the Week."

chump week

↓

I wish I was dead.

dead wish

↓

I wish I was somebody else. Not you, though.

somebody wish

↓

You're "Chump of the Week" also.

chump week

↓

- Yeah, man, I know that. - Mm.

↓

I told Chrissy. She didn't give a crap.

chrissy

↓

Oh, she's a Philistine. An uneducated idiot.

idiot

↓

Tommy!

tommy

↓

Uh-uh. Clean that up right now.

clean

↓

But you guys are "Chumps of the Week."

chumps week

↓

Clean it!

clean

↓

The hell he thought he was doing?

↓

We just gotta wait the week out.

week

↓

- No, no, no, no, no. - What?

↓

Mort Crim unfriended me from Facebook.

crim facebook mort mort-crim

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

Good morning, chumps.

chumps morning

↓

You received many boxes of diarrhea

boxes diarrhea received

↓

this morning in the mail.

mail morning

↓

Ugh, boxes of diarrhea?

boxes diarrhea

↓

I used to be the one sending diarrhea

diarrhea sending used

↓

to "Chumps of the Week." I'm the one getting them?

chumps week

↓

I hate that it's us but I-I respect these people's passion.

hate passion peoples respect

↓

Yeah.

↓

Tommy!

tommy

↓

Let's go, building closed.

building closed

↓

Berenstain Bear, Mary J. Blige, let's go.

bear mary

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, cornbread.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

What did I tell you about wearing sunglasses

sunglasses wearing

↓

in my building, man?

building

↓

- Not to wear 'em. - What are you doing?

wear

↓

- I'm leaving. - Not with these.

leaving

↓

You don't get your big, Jon Arbuckle-looking ass

looking

↓

out of here, now, move!

↓

Hey, Toby, man, why you always the last one

toby

↓

in my building, man?

building

↓

- I work late. - "I work late."

late

↓

Take your fat ass home, man. What's wrong with you?

home

↓

You got a smart-ass mouth, you know that?

mouth smart

↓

I refuse to go back to Chuck E. Cheese.

cheese chuck refuse

↓

The mouse wears real jeans!

jeans mouse real wears

↓

It's even more incredible than I've ever imagined.

imagined incredible

↓

In... credible.

credible

↓

There's Mort.

mort

↓

That's all right, guys. I know these fellas.

fellas

↓

Hey, Mort.

mort

↓

Mort, we feel just awful about that ad.

awful mort

↓

- You should. - We came here to tell you

↓

we are gonna air the version of the commercial

commercial version

↓

where you threaten ISIS.

isis threaten

↓

It actually tested very well.

tested

↓

That's great of you fellas to come down here,

fellas

↓

but I can't take back "Chump of the Week."

chump week

↓

I didn't do it for Rasheed Wallace.

wallace

↓

I can't do it for you. I hope you understand.

hope

↓

We understand.

↓

Did you guys get your boxes filled with crap?

boxes filled

↓

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

↓

God, I love this town.

love town

↓

Excuse me, guys, I gotta go do the news.

excuse news

↓

- Whoa. - We always thought

whoa

↓

you were sitting.

sitting

↓

Welcome to the magic of television.

magic television welcome

↓

_

↓

Good evening, Detroit. I'm Mort Crim.

crim detroit evening mort mort-crim

↓

A wedding party in Southfield turned ugly today

party today turned ugly wedding

↓

when a bunch of ugly people showed up.

bunch showed ugly

↓

Got your ass now.

↓

Time to make the doughnuts.

doughnuts

↓

Got your ass now, punk!

punk

↓

Mm-hmm, I'm about to squeeze a charley horse out your ass.

horse squeeze

↓

Okay, wait, the gun is real.

real

↓

The floor must be rubber. I don't know what's...

floor must rubber

↓

Oh, shit. Aah!

↓

Uh-huh, your ass ain't going nowhere.

aint

↓

Aah!

↓

Don't want to tire yourself out.

tire

↓

Aah!

↓

You think I didn't call for backup?

backup

↓

Time to see who your ass is once and for all.

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

I've never seen you before in my life.

life seen

↓

And now it's time for... _

↓

You know who pissed me off?

pissed

↓

My Facebook friend Mark Saganuti.

facebook friend mark

↓

When somebody famous dies, don't just post a story

dies famous post somebody story

↓

about a time you met them.

↓

So, Mark, you are my "Chump of the Week,"

chump mark week

↓

Ha, chump.

chump

↓

I hate it when Mark does that.

hate mark

↓

I know him, too.

↓

Oh, I'm Facebook friends again with Mort.

facebook facebook-friends friends mort

↓

- Oh, that's great. - Mm-hmm.

↓

Hey, I got you something, buddy.

buddy

↓

Quintin.

↓

I know it's not

↓

the same one you were Snowcoming King in, but...

king

↓

Oh, I was king of the dance and everyone twirled around me.

dance king

↓

- Oh, thank you, buddy. - Yeah.

buddy

↓

And no holly.

holly

↓

I mean, but it's fine. It's the thought that counts.

counts

↓

Yeah.

↓

It's not that hard to find holly.

hard holly

↓

- But it's fine. - Yeah.

↓

Here's your beers, you guys.

beers

↓

Cheers, buddy.

buddy cheers

↓

- Cheers, buddy. - I love ya.

buddy cheers love

↓

Love you.

love

↓

Final appeal, pal, please lose that jacket.

appeal final jacket lose

↓

It stinks to high heaven.

heaven stinks

↓

Yeah, you know, I have thought about it,

↓

it does stink, but it's leather.

leather stink

↓

It's a process. And it looks cool on me,

cool process

↓

so it's not going anywhere.

↓

Hey.

↓

Twinsies. Same jacket, I...

jacket

↓

This is not my jacket.

jacket

↓

I don't know what you're talking about.

↓

Bye, nerd! Keep walking.

nerd walking

↓

Keep walking, nerd. Bye!

nerd walking

↓

Thank you. Cool.

cool

↓

I won't wear the jacket anymore.

anymore jacket wear

↓

Good night, Detroit,

detroit night

↓

for now until the sun comes up.

comes

↓

Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com

corrected synced