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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E04 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 4 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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I was like, "Okay. What does it normally cost?"
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And they're like, "Like $900."
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I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal. That's awesome."
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[crowd chuckles]
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The first session is a bait session. It's ridiculous.
baitridiculoussession
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The guy's like, "Stand up."
stand
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Like, "Okay." He's like, "Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."
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[laughter]
laughter
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"Were you pro before?"
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I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."
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He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great." I'm like...
muscle
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He's like, "Want to do this all the time?" I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.
absolutely
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This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot."
boost
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Second session, way different than the first session.
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Second session, I'm doing burpies.
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Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block.
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I'm running through sand pushing a sled.
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"And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?"
schoolseal
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[laughter]
laughter
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In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes "Stop!"
middletrainerworkout
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And I said, "Thank you."
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[laughter]
laughter
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He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"
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And I go, "Yeah, so you don't have to give me CPR, I think."
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[laughter]
laughter
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And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."
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"What?"
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[laughter]
laughter
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And he goes, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop."
holyholy-spiritspirit
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And I go...
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"What...
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did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?"
fucksign
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And he goes, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"
believechristjesusjesus-christ
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And I said, "Is He gonna make me do push-ups?"
push
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[laughter]
laughter
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And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like...
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really upset. He was like, "It's not all jokes!"
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"I said one thing. I can't say one thing? All right."
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And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate.
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"Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back."
head
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And the pier's, like, three-quarters of a mile.
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And I go, "Nope."
nope
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[laughter]
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"Not doing that."
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He's like, "You're quitting? You're quitting on me?"
quitting
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And I go, "No, I'm not quitting, it's just that...
quitting
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the Holy Spirit..."
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[laughter]
laughter