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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E04 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 4 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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I can't even... I can't even describe how much better it feels.
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The best I've come up with is, remember when you were a kid,
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and the first time you tried something with melted cheese,
cheesemeltedtried
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- and you were like, "What the fuck?" - [laughter]
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"This is the same thing?" And they're like, "Same shit."
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And you're like, "This is amazing!
amazing
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I can have this whenever I want?" "Mm-hm. Whenever you want.
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Just eight, ten seconds and it's your world, man."
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You're like, "Oh, my God!"
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- It's like that, but down here. - [laughter]
laughter
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Feels so good.
feels
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Ohh. Here's what a piece of shit I am.
piece
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I...
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I have been fantasizing a lot
fantasizing
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about people asking me
asking
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how I lost the weight that I haven't lost yet.
lostweight
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[laughter]
laughter
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And, like, I just have so many answers.
answers
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Like, I really enjoy doing...
enjoy
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In my head, I'm like, "Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."
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[laughter]
laughter
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"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.
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I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I've never felt better.
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I have so much energy. If I can do it, you can do it."
energy
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And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have...
chocolate
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- [imitates chewing sounds] - [laughter]
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Like, "Well, next year I'll probably be ready for this conversation."
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Fucking asshole.
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I don't even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy.
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I don't. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.
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[laughter]
laughter
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And know for sure that they're fatter than me.
fatter
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'Cause, like, sometimes... Now I'm like anybody,
anybodysometimes
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I'll be like, "Look at this fat fucking asshole."
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And someone'll be like, "You're fatter."
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And I'm like, "Oh. Really?" And they're like, "By a lot!"
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[laughter]
laughter
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"You should want his body." And I'm like, "Ah, fuck, man."
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Since I'm gonna have a kid, I don't want to be the fat dad.
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Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade?
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You're like, "Hey, look at Billy's fat fuckin' dad."
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[laughter]
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[chortles] "Fuckin'..."
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"Just fuckin' batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"
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Just don't want to be that guy.
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I got a trainer.
trainer
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They gave me a trainer. That's a better way of saying that.
trainer
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I joined a gym, and they go, "Do you want a free training session?"
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