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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E04 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 4 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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And the dog's like...
dogs
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[laughter]
laughter
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"I work with a black guy!"
black
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- Ohh. Ohh. - [laughter]
laughter
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Oh, man.
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"Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don't know...
carl
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Thought you knew each other. I don't know.
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I don't know him. He works in the building."
buildingworks
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You're like, "Fuck."
fuck
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Jesus.
jesus
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Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad. Isn't that crazy?
crazydadsspeaking
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[crowd cheers]
cheerscrowdcrowd-cheers
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I know. Well...
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You know, not my fucking problem. You know what I mean? Um...
fuckingproblem
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- [laughter] - That's your kid. So...
laughter
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No, I'm gonna stick around. I wanna see what it looks and stuff.
stickstuff
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- [laughter] - Just for a second. But...
laughtersecond
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So crazy, man. All I did was, I didn't pull out.
crazypull
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- And then... - [laughter]
laughter
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Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.
nuts
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Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then...
crazydumpgirl
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there's life? That's a pretty crude way of putting that. I'm sorry. But...
crudelifeputting
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that's what happens.
happens
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Let's just talk about how good that feels. I...
feels
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[laughter]
laughter
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Dude, I've been pulling out for years.
pullingyears
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And no comp... No orgasm... You don't have an org...
comporgasm
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and you're like, "Oh, that sucks." Like, it's still...
sucks
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It feels great. But when you leave it in?
feels
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Dude.
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[laughter]
laughter
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Here's all I'm saying.
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If you're a pull-out guy, next time? Don't.
pull
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[laughter]
laughter
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Even if she tells you to. Be like, "I forgot."
forgottells
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[laughter]
laughter
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And she'll whine about it.
shellwhine
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[whines]
whines
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"What if I'm pregnant?
pregnant
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My career!"
career
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And you'll be like, "Is law school on hold? All right.
school
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Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."
hair
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[mixed laughter]
laughtermixed
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Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.
joking
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[laughter]
laughter
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- [crowd cheers] - Joke.
cheerscrowdcrowd-cheersjoke
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- I'm not joking. But... - [laughter]
jokinglaughter
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God, it feels so good!
feels