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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E04 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 4 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now,
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like, ugh.
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I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport,
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I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"
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[laughter]
laughter
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And I swear, there's another voice in my head going,
anotherheadswearvoice
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"You're a piece of shit for this conversation."
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[laughter]
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What's the guy supposed to say? He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."
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[laughter]
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"...it does.
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And you're a real piece of shit for this, just so you know."
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I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.
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Like, "I'm from Southern California, we sure could use it."
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- [chuckles] - [laughter]
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And he was like, "I'll run us off the fucking road.
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I'll kill us both, I swear to God I will."
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God forbid I meet a tall person now, like...
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If you're over six-four,
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there's no way I'm not addressing it. I'm gonna be like,
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- "Wow, you're tall." - [laughter]
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"Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing?
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I have a friend that's tall."
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Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that's tall.
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Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?
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- I bet he's stronger than your dad." - [laughter]
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Ugh.
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It's better than my dad's actual small talk,
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which is awkwardly racial small talk.
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It's not racist, but it involves race. Um...
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Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she's Asian.
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- My dad will be like, "You Chinese?" - [laughter]
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And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."
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"Oh, I was in Vietnam."
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- And I'm like... - [laughter]
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"What are you doing?"
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"What? I was." "I know. What does that have to do with anything?"
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Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean."
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- I'm like, "Oh, man." - [laughter]
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[whistles] Well...
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"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."
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Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay?
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'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...
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Dude, I see it. A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like...
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[laughter]
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I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.
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And I'm like, "How weird are you about to be with him?"
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He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you're like, "Sit still."
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