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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E04 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 4 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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"...it talks to me, too.
talks
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And it said there's no way I'm gonna make this run
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without throwing up and people laughing at me.
laughingthrowing
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So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I'm out, man."
butterpeanutpeanut-butterproteinshake
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And I took off.
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I'm not doing that shit.
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I'm not making fun of you if you're religious.
funreligious
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I think that's great. Any faith.
faith
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Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...
christianmuslim
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If you're a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself. But...
fuck
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- [crowd cheers] - Yeah.
cheerscrowdcrowd-cheers
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Because it's not old.
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It's gotta be old.
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[crowd chuckles]
chucklescrowdcrowd-chuckles
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It's fair to say there's some times I don't want to hear about it.
fairtimes
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You know? Like working out?
working
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Um... Getting high.
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That's a bummer.
bummer
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Right? Like, when there's pills and cash and tits out and...
cashpillstits
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someone's like, "Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?"
acceptinglifelordsomeones
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And you're like, "I'm trying to make bad decisions.
decisions
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Why are you doing this to me?"
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That and pre-sex.
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That is the worst.
worst
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During sex, as-salamu alaykum.
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- Anything goes. But... - [laughter]
laughter
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Pre-sex? Like, right before, and the girl's like,
girls
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"Oh! What if God's watching us?"
godswatching
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And you're like, "What?!"
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[laughter]
laughter
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"'What if God is watching us?'
watching
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Of course He's watching us!
coursewatching
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He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!"
favoritehandssees
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[laughter]
laughter
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[crowd cheering]
cheeringcrowdcrowd-cheering
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Yeah.
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"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle in there and let's give Him a show!"
anotherbabyquit
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[laughter]
laughter
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[chuckles]
chuckles
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[laughter]
laughter
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Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...
fun
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let's be clear about this, guys.
clear
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We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?
agree
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But we should agree on this.
agree
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If you bring a baby into a movie theater,
babybringmoviemovie-theatertheater
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you're a piece of shit.
piece
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[crowd cheering]
cheeringcrowdcrowd-cheering
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Yup.