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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

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I was making up reasons to take that thing out.
reasons
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I was just like, "We don't have any butternut squash. I gotta go."
squash
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Couple days into it, I started making up a narrative in my head.
couplecouple-daysdaysheadnarrativestarted
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I was like, "This is the same as a Harley. This is the same shit."
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This is my hog. [vrooms]
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[crowd laughs]
crowdcrowd-laughslaughs
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Another day went by, I was like, "I am getting one of these…
another
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as soon as I get back."
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I started shopping online. "Do I want a blue one? Yeah."
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"Do I want a basket? Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that."
basketfuck
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And then I got back to the US of A, and within moments, I was like,
moments
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"Oh, there's not a fucking chance." Like…
chancefucking
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[crowd laughs]
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"I'll get beat to death at a red light… in one of these,"
beatdeathlight
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and that's when you realize that Vespas are the pickleball of the motorbike world.
pickleballrealizeworld
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They are…
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[crowd laughs and applauds]
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They just are.
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[cheers and applause]
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Yeah!
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It is simply a substitute for the real thing.
realsimplysubstitute
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Just say you suck at tennis, you fucking cuck. Like…
cuckfuckingsucktennis
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Nobody wants to hear that you're excelling at a make-believe sport.
believenobodynobody-wantssportwants
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Now… "No, but it's so social."
social
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[mock babbling]
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[crowd laughs]
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"Anyone can do it." That's why you do it. You're soft. Now…
soft
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I did something very, very fun recently.
funrecently
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I got to fly with the Blue Angels.
angelsblue
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I don't know if you know what that is.
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-[cheering] -Oh, wow.
cheering
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Wow!
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For those of you that don't know, that is the US Navy's aerial show program.
program
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They put on shows all over our country that are unbelievable.
countryshowsunbelievable
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These are elite fighter pilots
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that are flying in fighter jets 18 inches apart,
apartfighterflyinginchesjets
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and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts.
stuntswild
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And I went to the show, and it was amazing.
amazing
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Then afterwards, I met one of the organizers,
afterwards
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and very casually, I was like, "Yeah, I wish I could go up in one of those."
casuallywish
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They were like, "Yeah, you can."
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And I go, "What the fuck, really?"
fuck
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[crowd laughs]
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They go, "Yeah, if you come to Pensacola, Florida."
florida
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And I was like, "Ugh!"
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[crowd laughing]
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"Okay." So…
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I went. I went to Florida.
florida