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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

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the hair goes first, you know. They just go… [buzzing]
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Then we all go, "Oh yeah. Don't try to touch her. I got it."
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This goes… [whooshes]
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The vagina closes, the hair goes,
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and we all go, "She's off-limits." So…
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Whoever it was, rest in peace.
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-Um… -[crowd laughs]
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I, uh… [chuckles]
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I just got back from my favorite place. I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.
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-[crowd cheering] -Yeah… it's the greatest.
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It is the greatest. And…
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My phone knows that I love Italy,
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just like our phones know everything about us now.
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It was fun, I think about a decade ago, when we would like kind of debate,
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"Wouldn't it be crazy if this thing was listening to everything we said?"
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And then now we're like, "Oh yeah, this records everything."
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[crowd laughs]
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Everything I say, text, think, it's just there.
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Unless you're one of these people who happens to believe, you're like,
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"Oh yeah, you know, I was having a conversation with someone
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about a bread basket from Croatia in the 1700s,
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and then I opened my Gmail, and it was like,
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'You looking for a Croatian bread basket?'"
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[crowd laughs]
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You're like, "Isn't that a wild coincidence?" Well, yeah.
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I talk about Italy all the time, and every time I open my phone,
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social media is just Italy.
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It's Italian landscapes, Italian recipes,
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Italian women's feet,
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and I go "like, like, like," right?
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[crowd laughs]
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But whenever I see landscape shots of Italy,
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there's always a guy on a Vespa, you know?
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Those little scooters, and they're zipping around,
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and they're dreaming of marinara, or whatever they do.
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[crowd laughs]
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[vrooming] Yeah.
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And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa,
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internally to myself, I go,
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"That's gay." Right?
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[crowd laughing]
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But when you're there and you see one,
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you're like, "No one will know, right?"
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[crowd laughing]
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So I rented one, and…
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[crowd laughing]
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It was the single most joyful experience of my entire life,
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including the birth of my children. It was fucking amazing.
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