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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

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[street noises rise slowly]
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[crowd cheering faintly]
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[announcer] Milwaukee, please welcome Tom Segura.
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-[crowd cheers] -[elevator dings]
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["Time 4 Sum Aksion" by Redman plays]
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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪
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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪
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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪
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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪
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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪
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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action… ♪
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♪ Let's get ready to rumble ♪
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♪ In this corner we have The funk bodysnatcher ♪
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♪ P-Funkadelic and I gat ya Hard enough that I can… ♪
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All right, thank you very much!
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-[song fades] -[crowd whoops]
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Thank you.
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You guys are amazing, thanks.
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Yeah, I love you too.
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You're so well-behaved.
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-That's great. -[crowd laughs]
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It's not always like this. You know that, right? We, uh…
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We had a fight in the front row last week at a show.
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Yeah, and you fucking notice when it's in the front row.
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-[laughter] -You notice.
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And, um… you know, normally, we try to put that out pretty quickly,
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but the, uh, the guy that started the fight was just so old.
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-Uh… -[crowd laughs]
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When security descended upon him,
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I was just like, "Wait."
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You know?
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Like, "Let him do it," you know.
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[crowd laughs]
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It's probably his last fight, you know.
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I'm sure it was. He was very old, and he was punching another guy,
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but he was… you know, he was making, like, old sounds
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as he was like… "Bughh…" Like, it was…
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[crowd laughing]
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Even the guy getting hit was like, "I don't give a shit." Like…
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"I don't feel this." And then…
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Then the older guy, he just kind of tuckered out, you know. He was, "Aww…"
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And he just… He just kind of faded.
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And then as security was escorting him up the aisle, I looked and I was like,
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"Oh, I think that's a woman."
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-Um… [chuckles] -[crowd laughing]
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It was the hair.
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You know how women will sometimes hit a certain age
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where they don't want you to try to fuck them anymore, and…
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