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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E01 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 1 — Tom Segura: Teacher (2025)

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I went to the base, and I met one of the pilots.
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This dude looked like he was designed in a lab,
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and then AI just shit him out, okay?
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This is one of the most beautiful men… I think about this guy every day, okay?
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[crowd laughs]
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My last thought before I go to bed at night
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is his jawline, and then I go,
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"Hmm… mm," then I fall asleep.
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So I walk up to him, I go, "Hey, I'm Tom."
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And he goes, "I'm Seven."
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Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh…
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[crowd laughing]
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If you're a seven, I'd hate to meet a ten, you know what I mean?
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So Seven tells me, "We're gonna do some wild stuff up there."
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"So don't eat a lot, because if you eat a lot,
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you will definitely throw up."
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And I go, "Oh, wow, what if I throw up?"
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He goes, "I'll give you a little baggie, and you can puke in that."
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I go, "Thanks, dog."
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"What if I shit?"
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And he goes, "People don't shit."
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[crowd laughing]
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You don't know who you're talking to right now, do you?
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We went up for 45 minutes.
minutes
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We flew vertically, we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2,
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we pulled seven and a half Gs.
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It was the most thrilling 45 minutes of my entire life.
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But when I got back, I realized something.
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I realized that we are the only country on Earth
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where when you see a fleet of fighter jets approaching,
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you know something cool is gonna happen.
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[crowd laughing]
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It's just us.
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[cheers and applause]
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Right? Like…
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Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500
send
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to kick shit off,
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so that every asshole there can go…
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[chuckling] "Look at that."
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"That's fucking cool."
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You're like, "Yeah, here."
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But if you're in the Hindu Kush province of Afghanistan,
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and you see seven F-22s,
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you're not like, "Oh, yeah, today's the race."
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[crowd laughing]
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You know, you just go… [grunts]
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And that's it. That's the last fucking sound you ever make
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before you hear… [puffs]
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