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Season 1, Episode 5 — Communication
Pilot sex shit?
#1
⇓
What the fuck?
#2
⇓
Anyway, we need you to land the plane.
#3
⇓
- What? - You said you speak Spanish.
#4
⇓
- But-- - So does the air traffic controller.
#5
⇓
Put on the headphones. Sit down.
#6
⇓
Put the headphones.
#7
⇓
- Okay. Okay. - That one.
#8
⇓
Good luck, man.
#9
⇓
1723. Do you copy?
#10
⇓
Uh, yes. This is 1723.
#11
⇓
My God.
#12
⇓
I'm not a pilot!
#13
⇓
I don't have a fucking clue how to be a pilot.
#14
⇓
Don't worry, everything will be fine.
#15
⇓
My name is José,
#16
⇓
I understand that the pilots are incapacitated.
#17
⇓
Uh...
#18
⇓
Yes.
#19
⇓
Don't worry. I will guide you.
#20
⇓
Okay, let's breathe.
#21
⇓
Let's see, what's your name?
#22
⇓
- My name is Tom. - Okay, Tom. Nice to meet you.
#23
⇓
I want you to pull the lever that says Throttle two.
#24
⇓
Yeah.
#25
⇓
Okay.
#26
⇓
And grab the yoke.
#27
⇓
Now you're going to move that yoke gently,
#28
⇓
so I can see how the plane is moving.
#29
⇓
Yes, José.
#30
⇓
It's moving the plane a little.
#31
⇓
Wow, Tom.
#32
⇓
I know you've never flown a plane before, but you're doing it very well.
#33
⇓
We're going to be fine.
#34
⇓
I'm very scared.
#35
⇓
It's just that...
#36
⇓
It's just that I feel like I'm going to have terrible diarrhea any moment here.
#37
⇓
Many people get airplane diarrhea, don't worry.
#38
⇓
Yes, that's true.
#39
⇓
Wow, and what do you do, Tom?
#40
⇓
The funny thing is that I'm a comedian.
#41
⇓
Wow, Tom the comedian, nice to meet you.
#42
⇓
And what is your last name? Maybe I know you.
#43
⇓
My last name is Segura.
#44
⇓
Tom Segura?
#45
⇓
Yes.
#46
⇓
Oh, yes.
#47
⇓
I have heard of you.
#48
⇓
Yes?
#49
⇓
Your comedy is not very nice, cabrón.
#50
⇓
Oh, you speak English?
#51
⇓
You know, Tom Segura,
#52
⇓
I have a brother who has Down syndrome.
#53
⇓
And you like to say that people are retarded, correct?
#54
⇓
Look, man, I'm sorry if I ever said something
#55
⇓
that was... offensive like that.
#56
⇓
Like, I use it to describe, like, a friend doing something silly, you know.
#57
⇓
- Like my brother. - No, of course not.
#58
⇓
What I'm saying is, like, sometimes, you know, your friend does something dumb.
#59
⇓
You know what I mean?
#60
⇓
Pulls his dick out at a wedding reception.
#61
⇓
You're like... You know?
#62
⇓
No. No, I do not know, actually.
#63
⇓
José, can we please put my dumb career choices aside
#64
⇓
and just help with this real life-threatening issue, José?
#65
⇓
Oh, you want help? Sure. Here we go.
#66
⇓
Oh, my God, dude, please. This is going down so fast.
#67
⇓
I'm sorry that I've said stupid offensive things that are reckless.
#68
⇓
I say things on stage sometimes to get a laugh.
#69
⇓
That's not who I am as a person.
#70
⇓
Okay, so what you say at work you don't really mean.
#71
⇓
Exactly, José. Yes.
#72
⇓
Oh, okay, I understand now.
#73
⇓
You see that red button that's next to the altitude?
#74
⇓
- Yeah. - Push it.
#75
⇓
Oh!
#76
⇓
Am I supposed to push it
#77
⇓
- or are you making a point? - I don't know.
#78
⇓
I'm at work right now. What did you say about people at work?
#79
⇓
Are you fucking kidding me?
#80
⇓
José!
#81
⇓
I'm sorry, José. Please!
#82
⇓
Words matter, cabrón.
#83
⇓
Okay, goodbye.
#84
⇓
What time does lunch start you say?
#85
⇓
Soon enough, right? Hmm.
#86
⇓
José, please!
#87
⇓
José! José, please! What do I do?
#88
⇓
Oh, shit! Tom, are you still there?
#89
⇓
Oh, my God.
#90
⇓
Thank God. I wanted to say, bro,
#91
⇓
- I love your podcast. - What?
#92
⇓
Okay, ciao. Blessings.
#93
⇓
Oh, my God! What have I done?
#94
⇓
- Tom! - Yes, I'm here.
#95
⇓
The one with your wife, not the other one.
#96
⇓
The other one is hard to listen to.
#97
⇓
Please, help me!
#98
⇓
José!
#99
⇓
Oh, fuck!
#100
⇓
This is Diego, a pilot from Argentina. He was sitting in economy.
#101
⇓
Oh, my God! Oh, my God, you're a fucking pilot!
#102
⇓
Hello.
#103
⇓
Oh... Oh...
#104
⇓
Oh!
#105
⇓
Oh... Oh, my God.
#106
⇓
1723. We are level and heading in the normal direction.
#107
⇓
You really became a pilot today, huh?
#108
⇓
That guy was such a dick.
#109
⇓
So we have, uh, about three hours left on the flight.
#110
⇓
We can make the most of it.
#111
⇓
Whoa! Dude, what are you doing?
#112
⇓
- What? - What are you doing?
#113
⇓
Let's get to the fucking, huh?
#114
⇓
Bro, what?
#115
⇓
I'm going back to my seat, man.
#116
⇓
- You sure? - Yeah.
#117
⇓
Pilots are fucking kinky fucks, man.
#118
⇓
- You're really gonna leave? Okay. - Yeah.
#119
⇓
You're already here.
#120
⇓
No.
#121
⇓
All right, let's do it.
#122
⇓
Okay.
#123
⇓
Teach me how to fly, man.
#124
⇓
Communication is fascinating.
#125
⇓
It's not just language or speaking.
#126
⇓
It's about conveying how you feel,
#127
⇓
what you're thinking, the joy you're experiencing.
#128
⇓
And who are some of our best communicators?
#129
⇓
Dolphins.
#130
⇓
'90s Oprah.
#131
⇓
Politicians.
#132
⇓
Look at this guy.
#133
⇓
He's got 'em all fired up.
#134
⇓
So, I hope you enjoy these stories about communication.
#135
⇓
But if you don't...
#136
⇓
How do I say this?
#137
⇓
Yeah, that works.
#138
⇓
Whoa. Do I speak sign language?
#139
⇓
I totally understood that.
#140
⇓
So this is Burbank, California.
#141
⇓
Uh-huh, pretty neat, huh?
#142
⇓
It's real neat.
#143
⇓
Definitely a far cry from Boise, that's for sure.
#144
⇓
You know who, I read, comes here?
#145
⇓
Jay Leno.
#146
⇓
What do you think about that, huh?
#147
⇓
He parks his hot rod right out there.
#148
⇓
And he comes here. That is really cool.
#149
⇓
You're right, Dad. That is really cool.
#150
⇓
Yeah, it's really cool.
#151
⇓
I'm sorry.
#152
⇓
I never do this, but I just had to come up and say
#153
⇓
that fucking you last week was so fun.
#154
⇓
I'm sorry, what?
#155
⇓
So fun.
#156
⇓
Enjoy your meal.
#157
⇓
I have no idea who that was.
#158
⇓
Yes, you do.
#159
⇓
I knew it.
#160
⇓
What? Da-- I'm not gay, Dad.
#161
⇓
This is gonna kill your mother.
#162
⇓
Come on. I dated Jill for two years.
#163
⇓
Welcome to Darwin's. I'm Donovan and I'll be taking care of...
#164
⇓
Oh, shit!
#165
⇓
I turned this boy's pussy inside out last night.
#166
⇓
What are you talking about?
#167
⇓
All gas, no brakes. Raw.
#168
⇓
Honey, look. There's that slut we made prolapse.
#169
⇓
He was gagging on my balls.
#170
⇓
It was pathetic.
#171
⇓
Yo, bro, I finger fucked you too.
#172
⇓
Why is everyone saying they fucked me?
#173
⇓
Because we did.
#174
⇓
In that game.
#175
⇓
Is that me?
#176
⇓
It's actually a cool story.
#177
⇓
There's a passion project.
#178
⇓
This IT guy developed a game in his basement.
#179
⇓
He went on to make, like, a billion dollars off it.
#180
⇓
It's inspiring.
#181
⇓
Cyrus?
#182
⇓
Hey, make that face you do, that...
#183
⇓
Welcome to the property.
#184
⇓
Welcome to the property.
#185
⇓
Cyrus?
#186
⇓
Evan? Is that you?
#187
⇓
I barely recognize you, man.
#188
⇓
You barely recognize me?
#189
⇓
I know. It's pretty cool, right?
#190
⇓
It's crazy what 800 million in videogame sales can buy.
#191
⇓
This is fucking horsehair.
#192
⇓
Yeah. I think we need to talk.
#193
⇓
Come on in, bud.
#194
⇓
Did you make a video game where aliens fuck me?
#195
⇓
I made a very successful video game called Aliens Fuck Humans.
#196
⇓
I'm not sure what that has to do with you.
#197
⇓
What the fuck are you talking about?
#198
⇓
Look. This is clearly me.
#199
⇓
No.
#200
⇓
Okay. Well...
#201
⇓
then what is this?
#202
⇓
An AFH-KOHLUR collab.
#203
⇓
Dude, the human in the game looks exactly like me.
#204
⇓
I don't see the resemblance.
#205
⇓
Take the fucking game down.
#206
⇓
Hey. Whoa, whoa.
#207
⇓
Are you mad?
#208
⇓
You want to play games with me? I'll show you.
#209
⇓
- Oh, hey! Hey, man! - I'll fucking show you.
#210
⇓
- Stop! Evan! - Take the game down!
#211
⇓
That's $11 million--
#212
⇓
- Take the fucking game down! - Stop! Stop! Stop!
#213
⇓
Fuck!
#214
⇓
Yes.
#215
⇓
God damn.
#216
⇓
The human in the game is modeled after you.
#217
⇓
Yeah. No shit.
#218
⇓
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
#219
⇓
Why would you put me in this game?
#220
⇓
I don't know.
#221
⇓
I guess you just kind of have a "fuck that guy" kind of face, you know?
#222
⇓
I didn't know the game was gonna blow up the way it did.
#223
⇓
And looking back...
#224
⇓
I definitely should not have used you in it.
#225
⇓
So you'll take the game down?
#226
⇓
No, it's impossible.
#227
⇓
There's hard copies everywhere.
#228
⇓
But I have been developing a new game.
#229
⇓
Aliens Fuck Humans IV.
#230
⇓
And in this new game, you do not get fucked by aliens.
#231
⇓
You're actually the hero.
#232
⇓
I'll cut you in on a piece of the action.
#233
⇓
Fifty-fifty split.
#234
⇓
You'll be rich as shit.
#235
⇓
And I'm not gonna be getting fucked by aliens in the new game?
#236
⇓
No.
#237
⇓
Let me show you.
#238
⇓
AFH IV is the future of VR gaming.
#239
⇓
It's the first of its kind to use real time neural imaging
#240
⇓
of the user's brain to create the most realistic experiences possible.
#241
⇓
What does that even mean?
#242
⇓
Well, it means you're now the co-owner of this kickass breakthrough tech,
#243
⇓
partner.
#244
⇓
Try it out.
#245
⇓
Aliens Fuck Humans IV.
#246
⇓
Evan's Revenge.
#247
⇓
Holy shit.
#248
⇓
This feels so real.
#249
⇓
It's pretty cool, right?
#250
⇓
Is this my childhood home?
#251
⇓
It is.
#252
⇓
Wow.
#253
⇓
Hello, son.
#254
⇓
Dad?
#255
⇓
Happy birthday, buddy.
#256
⇓
Would you like some cake?
#257
⇓
Why does the cake say "Happy Birthday Cheryl" on it?
#258
⇓
Oh, my God.
#259
⇓
Dude, this thing just got real tight.
#260
⇓
That's weird.
#261
⇓
Word on the street is you like cake.
#262
⇓
Oh!
#263
⇓
- Go on. Have a slice. - The fuck is happening?
#264
⇓
That's it.
#265
⇓
Fuck, I can't control my legs, man.
#266
⇓
You'll control your legs when you finish the cake.
#267
⇓
Is this all because I wouldn't give you
#268
⇓
a piece of cake at Cheryl's birthday party?
#269
⇓
I don't know. Is it?
#270
⇓
Cyrus! Cyrus, please!
#271
⇓
Do you know what flavor this cake is, son?
#272
⇓
- Cyrus... - It's papa flavor.
#273
⇓
Cyrus, don't do this.
#274
⇓
Eat all the cake up.
#275
⇓
Yum, yum, yum.
#276
⇓
You can eat it out of my ass.
#277
⇓
Cyrus, please.
#278
⇓
Don't do it.
#279
⇓
Lick it all up.
#280
⇓
Cyrus, don't!
#281
⇓
No!
#282
⇓
Would you like more kiwis, Mr. Cyrus?
#283
⇓
No, I'm fine. Thank you, Magdalena.
#284
⇓
Oh, Dad!
#285
⇓
Did you want a juice?
#286
⇓
- Oh! - Papaya?
#287
⇓
Mmm...
#288
⇓
- Cyrus! - Actually, papaya sounds nice.
#289
⇓
- Thank you. - Oh, no!
#290
⇓
Cyrus, please! Oh!
#291
⇓
No, Dad!
#292
⇓
- No! - This shit is amazing.
#293
⇓
Cyrus, no!
#294
⇓
Keep the news stations at bay.
#295
⇓
They'll be showing up in about 15 minutes, Carmen.
#296
⇓
Hi, Tom.
#297
⇓
I'm Detective Jacobs.
#298
⇓
Now, I know you've been through a lot,
#299
⇓
but when you're ready, I'm here to listen.
#300
⇓
Okay?
#301
⇓
Okay.
#302
⇓
Okay.
#303
⇓
I can take you through what happened.
#304
⇓
Um...
#305
⇓
I was waiting in line to buy a coffee.
#306
⇓
Like I do every day.
#307
⇓
Hi. Can I help you?
#308
⇓
Hi. Can I have a large iced coffee?
#309
⇓
- Sure. That'll be $3.45. - With--
#310
⇓
Sorry.
#311
⇓
I just have a few, uh, modifications.
#312
⇓
Okay.
#313
⇓
Large iced coffee, extra ice, please.
#314
⇓
And just a small splash of whole milk, please.
#315
⇓
Still $3.45.
#316
⇓
Thank you.
#317
⇓
- Do you need to, uh... - What?
#318
⇓
Type it in?
#319
⇓
No, I... I got it. We have a system.
#320
⇓
No, I know you got it.
#321
⇓
I wasn't trying to suggest that you couldn't remember that.
#322
⇓
I just meant...
#323
⇓
Sometimes when it's not typed in,
#324
⇓
- it's not... They don't see it. - Okay.
#325
⇓
Iced coffee, extra ice, splash of whole milk.
#326
⇓
- That is it. - $3.45.
#327
⇓
Thank you.
#328
⇓
Would you like to tip?
#329
⇓
- Sure - How much?
#330
⇓
A dollar?
#331
⇓
Five seems right.
#332
⇓
Next.
#333
⇓
Tom. Iced coffee for Tom...
#334
⇓
with modifications.
#335
⇓
Jesus Christ.
#336
⇓
Sir. Excuse me.
#337
⇓
Could we talk about this?
#338
⇓
Could I meet you down here?
#339
⇓
Excuse me. Hi.
#340
⇓
Will you please stand still?
#341
⇓
Uh, can you remake this?
#342
⇓
I'm a little busy, man.
#343
⇓
No, I know. I'm not trying to be rude, I promise.
#344
⇓
I just, uh... I can't drink this much milk.
#345
⇓
You know, I-- I paid for it.
#346
⇓
So could you just remake this
#347
⇓
with less milk... please?
#348
⇓
- Less milk? - Please.
#349
⇓
- Yeah, man. I got you. - Thanks.
#350
⇓
Now it's got less milk.
#351
⇓
I'm a professional barista.
#352
⇓
I know what a fucking splash is.
#353
⇓
Holy shit!
#354
⇓
Oh, my God.
#355
⇓
Now the devil's in a rush
#356
⇓
Oh, fuck!
#357
⇓
I'm sorry, Tom.
#358
⇓
Are you saying you're the one who committed these gruesome acts of violence?
#359
⇓
Yeah.
#360
⇓
And then you...
#361
⇓
Put the guy's hand in a blender.
#362
⇓
You don't listen!
#363
⇓
Open up. Open your mouth.
#364
⇓
Open your mouth.
#365
⇓
You got a system, huh?
#366
⇓
You got a system that works?
#367
⇓
Does that work?
#368
⇓
Open your mouth!
#369
⇓
All right, that's it. You're under arrest.
#370
⇓
No, no. Sorry.
#371
⇓
Actually...
#372
⇓
I still have the receipt.
#373
⇓
Oh, yeah. Yep. It says "splash of milk" right there.
#374
⇓
- Sorry about that, sir. - Yeah.
#375
⇓
You missed the first part of the story.
#376
⇓
Jinx.
#377
⇓
You owe me a Coke.
#378
⇓
How about a coffee?
#379
⇓
That's a good one.
#380
⇓
Oh! I'm exhausted.
#381
⇓
You killed three people.
#382
⇓
I know. I've never done that.
#383
⇓
I don't know how you guys do it.
#384
⇓
Take it easy.
#385
⇓
Hey, little Hollywood
#386
⇓
You're gone but you're not forgot
#387
⇓
You got the cash But your credit's no good
#388
⇓
You flipped the script And you shot the plot
#389
⇓
And I remember, I remember
#390
⇓
When the neon Used to burn so bright and pink
#391
⇓
So bright and pink!
#392
⇓
A Saturday night kind of pink
#393
⇓
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