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Home » Bad Thoughts » S01E06 — Health

Bad Thoughts

Season 1, Episode 6 — Health

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Bad Thoughts
Episode title: Health
Air date: May 13, 2025
Directors: Jeremy Konner, Tom Segura
Top billed cast: Tom Segura
An offensive remark upends a work event. A man tries a new gym on for size — in more ways than one.
Source: TMDB
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The pillows here are great.
pillows
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I know. I looked them up,
looked
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and they're a blend of memory foam and microfiber.
blendfoammemory
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Those pillows? Yeah. I really like the pillows too.
pillows
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I slept good.
slept
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Yeah, I slept very well.
slept
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I slept like a homo.
homoslept
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You know, I think I'm gonna get that chicken parm tonight. Mmm-hmm.
chickentonight
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I'm sorry, Barry. What did you just say?
barry
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Uh, chicken parm. Chicken Parmesan. Hmm.
chicken
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Yeah, it's an Italian dish.
dishitalian
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You slept like what?
slept
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Oh, like a homo.
homo
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Yeah, it's just an expression.
expression
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No, it isn't.
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And it's offensive.
offensive
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It's just something that people say,
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you know, like "It takes two to tango" or "It's raining cats and dogs."
catsdogsrainingtakestango
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Oh. "He runs like a deer," because he's really fast. Yeah.
deerfastruns
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Those are called idioms.
called
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And that's not like anything you just said.
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Yeah, it is.
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You know what? My cousin, he went parasailing once,
cousin
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and he said that if you...
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...have to go to the bathroom up there, you just go.
bathroom
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They don't care. Because you can't come down.
care
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It'd make a weird rainbow.
rainbowweird
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You wouldn't be able to see it.
able
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All right, everybody, let's get started.
everybodystarted
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We got a really productive and fun-filled weekend ahead of us here.
aheadfilledfunproductiveweekend
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I got a close-up magician coming in. Guy I met on a plane.
closecomingmagicianplane
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He's gonna have some tricks just blow your mind.
blowmindtricks
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But before we get started,
started
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I unfortunately have some upsetting news.
newsunfortunatelyupsetting
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Barry.
barry
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I hate to do this in front of everybody,
everybodyfronthate
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but it came to my attention that you said something that was
attention
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wildly inappropriate and offensive,
inappropriateoffensivewildly
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and we need to send you home.
homesend
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What? What happened?
happened
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He said he slept like a homo.
homoslept
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- Homo? - Yeah, I slept like a homo.
homoslept
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- Barry! - Sorry, homosexual.
barryhomosexual
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I just said something that, you know, it's factually correct.
correct
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- True. - Barry. That's not a phrase you can say.
barryphrase
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Well, but it's true. You know, I was just really tired and I just slept that way.
slepttired
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But it doesn't make any sense.
sense
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Okay, well, just think about it.
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You know, it's physically exhausting,
exhaustingphysically
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pounding or getting pounded in your anus.
anuspoundedpounding
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That wears you out way more than vaginal sex.
vaginalwears
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- Barry-- - It's true! There's no doubt about it.
barrydoubt
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Imagine.
imagine
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You're getting plumbobbed, real deep and hard.
deephardreal
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When your partner is about ready to pull out, it might hurt a lot.
hurtmightmight-hurtpartnerpullready
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So you've got all this anxiety building up.
anxietybuilding
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And then the relief after they come out of you?
relief
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Oh, that release of stress,
releasestress
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that makes you tired, man.
makestired
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That's exhausting. That's all I'm saying.
exhausting
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Last night, I just got that real good, deep sleep.
deepnightrealsleep
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Like a gay guy.
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Barry...
barry
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just go home.
home
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Wait.
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I can't let you fire him, Dave.
davefire
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Why?
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Because he's right.
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And how would you know that, Phil?
phil
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Because I'm gay.
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No way.
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I am. And every single thing that Barry said is true.
barrysingle
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I wondered why you were uninterested in us.
wondered
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Well, it's really your personality, Mary, but yeah, I'm gay.
marypersonality
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Hey, that anal stuff, was he making that up?
analstuff
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No, Butch. The anal stuff's all true.
analbutchstuffs
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No shit.
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It is so tiring.
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Believe me.
believe
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And you do sleep way better after.
sleep
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I've missed work from doing it.
missed
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You weren't sick last week.
sickweek
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No, I went to the RNC.
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Anal sex doesn't make me tired.
analtired
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- Was it gay anal? - No.
anal
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There you go.
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Oh.
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Hmm. Phil makes some important points there, right?
makesphilpoints
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I mean, I certainly didn't know that was a true statement.
certainlystatement
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It is.
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In fact, it might be the truest statement I've ever heard.
factheardmightstatement
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Certainly feel like I got my exercise jumping to conclusions today.
certainlyconclusionsexercisejumpingtoday
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But, you know, we all learned something today.
learnedtoday
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And that's why we do these retreats, right?
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Barry?
barry
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Please, sit back down.
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Yeah.
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I'm sorry, Barry. I was wrong.
barry
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Oh, it's fine.
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May all of us sleep like a homo tonight.
homosleeptonight
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- Yeah. - He knows!
knows
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Hear, hear!
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I do.
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Hear, hear!
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I'm glad we're past that. Because I have to shit like a Jew.
gladpast
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You're a fucking terrible person.
fuckingperson
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Health. There are so many things you have to do to master it.
healthmaster
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Some people eat right.
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Some people do yoga.
yoga
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And for some people, the only way they can function
function
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is to experience the nonstop laughter with millions of fans,
experiencefanslaughtermillionsnonstop
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knowing it could all go away at any moment.
knowingmoment
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Tom?
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Tom?
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- Oh, my God. - He's got a gun?
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He's got a gun!
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Oh, my God.
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Hold on...
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No, no, no, no!
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- Tom. - Put the gun down.
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Tom, don't do it!
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Hello?
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My show got renewed.
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We each approach being healthy in unique ways.
approachhealthyuniqueways
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But some of us are given genetic gifts the rest of us could only dream about.
dreamgeneticgiftsgivenrest
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But what if you could have it all?
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Heart muscle can become excessively thick.
becomeheartmusclethick
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Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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can lead to some very serious complications
complicationsleadserious
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like atrial fibrillation, which is...
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- Start your fitness journey today. - Hold on.
fitnessjourneystarttoday
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I, um... Uh, I was gonna try to join a gym.
join
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Show us your abs.
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You're all dismissed.
dismissed
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You guys have a good week, okay?
week
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It's gonna take more than a gym.
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c9203e8a-bd81-49c8-86d0-02b0dfdce211.gif
Okay, great. Thank you very much.
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End of the night, there were 15 people in the hot tub.
night
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Anyway... Hey, can I help you?
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This is the gym?
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cdb8533d-43bf-464b-b52f-65580d4b9a18.gif
Sorry. I went on the website just filling out a thing.
fillingwebsite
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Mr. Hale.
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fa574f2a-636f-4022-a884-72f82c1af65d.gif
- Yes? - I got you down for a 3:15 tour.
tour
↓
f3955cc2-b4ae-4e0f-b893-bd528e68637e.gif
This is our membership pamphlet.
membershippamphlet
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It's got all the rules, regulations. You're gonna wanna read that.
readregulationsrules
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169099ea-b3cd-4fdc-9876-dfad86ebeb78.gif
- Okay? - Yeah. I just...
↓
9884aa47-58c8-45e0-8e8a-65c73ecc4f69.gif
always find a way to talk myself out of these things.
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Well, not today, my friend.
friendtoday
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Listen, let's get your signature on that.
signature
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It's a one-year commitment, but try not to think of it
commitment
↓
8761aab9-743e-4a2e-909b-22b237b2d895.gif
as a commitment to a gym, but a commitment to yourself.
commitment
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You know what I mean?
↓
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Bro.
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- Hmm? - You good?
↓
ae0c1c39-163c-444b-bfe6-cd6a1484a442.gif
Yeah. Yes.
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e247d3a0-8cc4-479a-9825-106e874fb4d2.gif
All right. Welcome to the party.
partywelcome
↓
5fecb592-5635-4ea2-a7c9-b171552060af.gif
Get you your pre-workout shot.
shotworkout
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d5c2d00a-4db6-4700-8dd4-a516066a645a.gif
Oh, I'm good.
↓
9bb728bc-5338-4cf6-8058-f0e8b08a3a3c.gif
Take the shot.
shot
↓
9f71bbd0-d0cf-4b30-ac20-b2e5d1ea7b6c.gif
Grip and dip it.
grip
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Mmm-mmm-mmm. All right.
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Day one of the new you.
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You've got your rowers, runners, ergs. You got your assault bikes.
assaultbikesrunners
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One more, Eduardo.
eduardo
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b4d41245-2518-43bd-bcc4-6117640da521.gif
I'm just fucking with you, man.
fucking
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a9b5531f-a9ae-4643-9724-fa672f213c8f.gif
We got new high bars.
bars
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3c0c043a-252e-45d0-a026-5367d8405682.gif
Yeah, great form, man. Keep it up.
form
↓
8cc170e5-c607-4202-bf83-f5280e4b4612.gif
And this is the locker room.
lockerlocker-roomroom
↓
83658bfe-c9e8-41a2-a10f-8abe83d2b99f.gif
Just take any one that's free.
free
↓
0c54c385-2ff9-4ca4-bdae-357f3b01f9d5.gif
Okay, cool.
cool
↓
c1304171-3015-4e99-8514-a4f664f6383f.gif
So how did you hear about us?
↓
74cb0b4a-94bb-49bd-a92c-06fed058e83d.gif
I was actually on a Reddit thread and...
thread
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65d3a806-f4bc-47eb-aef7-8ddbf77285a7.gif
- What's up, man? - Good to see you.
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People were, uh...
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They were raving about it.
raving
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Yeah, our fans, they go hard.
fanshard
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Yeah. It...
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Yeah. He's a good guy.
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Well, showers through there.
showers
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You got any questions, I'll be out front. You're gonna love it.
frontlovequestions
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Let's get hardcore.
hardcore
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Let's do it.
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Here, here. I got you, bro.
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Dude, what the fuck?
fuck
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I was good.
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775e97cc-2a86-47da-9720-c9775251d621.gif
I was just trying to help.
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That's a weird, weird way you help.
weird
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- Weird? - Yeah.
weird
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You didn't think that was weird?
weird
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- I'm sorry. - Everything good, bro?
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You know...
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I just... I don't think I fit in here, okay?
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You guys do your own... whatever that was.
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What the fuck?
fuck
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Nice hammer!
hammer
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- Thanks. - First day?
thanks
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- Yeah. - Yeah.
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First day is the craziest.
craziest
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How?
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Well, either your dad's Secretariat or you took something.
dads
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The shot.
shot
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- What was that? - Yeah. I don't know.
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Dude! Welcome back.
welcome
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ca7e2339-73ac-4777-8114-d1f71dd38854.gif
What's up, Chief?
chief
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Oh, my God.
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My man.
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And in the words of the great Jonas Salk,
words
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"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more."
opportunityreward
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Yes! Yes!
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e6c213eb-8ae4-4238-9443-7fea27bdaa46.gif
Whoa. You satisfy me in every way.
satisfywhoa
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Ah!
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Oh!
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e0a33780-5e97-43fe-b250-19329a8fcfe9.gif
Fucking dickzilla trying to split me in half.
fuckinghalfsplit
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No, thanks.
thanks
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In all my years of teaching,
teachingyears
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I've never had a less impressive group of students.
groupimpressivelessstudents
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It's not like you're gonna end up being doctors, you know?
doctors
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- You're just gonna end up-- - Come on.
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Wait, I'm teaching a class. These are my students.
classstudentsteaching
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Hey, what's up, Chief?
chief
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Hey, what's up, man?
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Look at this shit.
↓
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Oh, is it too much?
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I'd say so!
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943d87cb-1769-4b59-9e57-8803a75ab51d.gif
Well, you kept taking the shots.
shots
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I thought I was supposed to.
supposed
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- You read the pamphlet. - Pamphlet?
pamphletread
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7f089e86-c2df-42fe-ab21-4e131579121d.gif
Yeah. Day One pamphlet. Explains what can happen.
explainshappenpamphlet
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You don't think maybe this deserves more than a pamphlet?
deservespamphlet
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We can fix it. We can fix it.
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All right? Just calm down.
calm
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You go to the back hallway.
hallway
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There's a door marked "Staff." Okay?
doormarkedstaff
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They can help you.
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174a9f01-cd3c-4321-a649-5adbc0d4365d.gif
Best of luck.
bestluck
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They said you could fix this.
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fcb1dbdd-cb86-42d3-a5b0-b97861a4fd63.gif
Very funny.
funny
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Oh, you're not gonna laugh.
laugh
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ebfc81f4-a15d-45f2-b3bf-8d2a2dfb3807.gif
You want me to hack my dick off?
dickhack
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16a8e169-8f83-4600-8ecf-bb0c8186885f.gif
No. You want to hack your dick off.
dickhack
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e828e1b6-ecbb-4f95-8db3-c2931a59e1a2.gif
I'm giving you the tool to do it.
givingtool
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c1372a06-dc5a-471f-8125-7ef57e817f0b.gif
What kind of solution is that?
solution
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392690d6-64a9-4f31-8698-dc190fdf6f3d.gif
How many shots did you take?
shots
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42db3347-5a08-4d04-9338-39560dcdfed3.gif
- Maybe 20. - God damn!
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b04023c4-b766-4ad7-8291-fcb787fa8c6e.gif
You took maybe 20 shots to make your wee-wee grow,
growshots
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f707ae16-20a7-4962-bdd8-c9971949f016.gif
and now it's too much, so you want it to go away.
↓
aed36f2f-e554-45b5-9823-4d6f2e3021fc.gif
How do you think that happens, mmm?
happens
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16f180a1-371b-4504-95d6-744a37af8d2f.gif
Does it, you know, look normal after that?
normal
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f1868c08-dfed-464d-8e67-152adab1a23f.gif
Hell no! Looks like somebody hacked your dick off.
dickhackedsomebody
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92f0db69-efc9-4077-9889-80a2e73cf58b.gif
Then I don't wanna do it.
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Okay.
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2306df57-e8fc-4b88-a290-3f0d568549bb.gif
Wait, wait.
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9baa4d60-cb12-4ae1-b41e-2e47ee54f850.gif
Have other people done it?
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990bc1cf-8ab9-4908-8914-ada7f4b5e219.gif
There's so many dicks.
dicks
↓
a4f90abd-cf6e-40c8-9407-74878295b4b2.gif
Do it, man.
↓
65da0388-320e-4392-95cf-fa1dc647e779.gif
Do it now.
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72930fa9-525b-4ddc-ae9f-a202ce475241.gif
Do it. Come on.
↓
e98e8580-2d3f-435e-acae-3f28a13d3c2c.gif
What are you waiting for?
waiting
↓
e0ced031-2b91-4a99-bbe2-3ad700e249a4.gif
Cut it off.
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32116d94-ffed-4155-bbba-7aa08c2e0f24.gif
Talk myself out of these things.
↓
f88d55f4-a04c-4021-8630-bfac9924d7a1.gif
Talk myself out of these things. Talk myself out of these things.
↓
4fcd5cea-32c8-40b4-9f60-ecd9e1611c4e.gif
Always find a way to talk myself out of these things.
↓
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Bro.
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cabaa00e-a401-4a63-aac1-a4f070ce7d56.gif
Huh?
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b10ca27b-271e-47c7-a78d-3fe9f0e23579.gif
You good?
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7cd9dc05-7cd4-4bb0-b19e-58d9770895bc.gif
Fuck yes, dude!
fuck
↓
dda88cb0-54a7-4642-9e22-72c66c736ad5.gif
All right.
↓
19e36611-65af-4422-b412-d9ca41b41905.gif
Ah, thirsty boy.
thirsty
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ea8dcc18-2255-4957-9886-035f0b5dfb9a.gif
Mmm-hmm. Let's get this shit started.
started