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» S01E06 — Health
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Season 1, Episode 6 — Health
The pillows here are great.
#1
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I know. I looked them up,
#2
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and they're a blend of memory foam and microfiber.
#3
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Those pillows? Yeah. I really like the pillows too.
#4
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I slept good.
#5
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Yeah, I slept very well.
#6
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I slept like a homo.
#7
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You know, I think I'm gonna get that chicken parm tonight. Mmm-hmm.
#8
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I'm sorry, Barry. What did you just say?
#9
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Uh, chicken parm. Chicken Parmesan. Hmm.
#10
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Yeah, it's an Italian dish.
#11
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You slept like what?
#12
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Oh, like a homo.
#13
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Yeah, it's just an expression.
#14
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No, it isn't.
#15
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And it's offensive.
#16
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It's just something that people say,
#17
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you know, like "It takes two to tango" or "It's raining cats and dogs."
#18
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Oh. "He runs like a deer," because he's really fast. Yeah.
#19
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Those are called idioms.
#20
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And that's not like anything you just said.
#21
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Yeah, it is.
#22
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You know what? My cousin, he went parasailing once,
#23
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and he said that if you...
#24
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...have to go to the bathroom up there, you just go.
#25
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They don't care. Because you can't come down.
#26
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It'd make a weird rainbow.
#27
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You wouldn't be able to see it.
#28
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All right, everybody, let's get started.
#29
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We got a really productive and fun-filled weekend ahead of us here.
#30
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I got a close-up magician coming in. Guy I met on a plane.
#31
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He's gonna have some tricks just blow your mind.
#32
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But before we get started,
#33
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I unfortunately have some upsetting news.
#34
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Barry.
#35
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I hate to do this in front of everybody,
#36
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but it came to my attention that you said something that was
#37
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wildly inappropriate and offensive,
#38
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and we need to send you home.
#39
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What? What happened?
#40
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He said he slept like a homo.
#41
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- Homo? - Yeah, I slept like a homo.
#42
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- Barry! - Sorry, homosexual.
#43
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I just said something that, you know, it's factually correct.
#44
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- True. - Barry. That's not a phrase you can say.
#45
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Well, but it's true. You know, I was just really tired and I just slept that way.
#46
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But it doesn't make any sense.
#47
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Okay, well, just think about it.
#48
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You know, it's physically exhausting,
#49
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pounding or getting pounded in your anus.
#50
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That wears you out way more than vaginal sex.
#51
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- Barry-- - It's true! There's no doubt about it.
#52
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Imagine.
#53
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You're getting plumbobbed, real deep and hard.
#54
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When your partner is about ready to pull out, it might hurt a lot.
#55
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So you've got all this anxiety building up.
#56
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And then the relief after they come out of you?
#57
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Oh, that release of stress,
#58
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that makes you tired, man.
#59
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That's exhausting. That's all I'm saying.
#60
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Last night, I just got that real good, deep sleep.
#61
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Like a gay guy.
#62
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Barry...
#63
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just go home.
#64
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Wait.
#65
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I can't let you fire him, Dave.
#66
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Why?
#67
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Because he's right.
#68
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And how would you know that, Phil?
#69
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Because I'm gay.
#70
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No way.
#71
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I am. And every single thing that Barry said is true.
#72
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I wondered why you were uninterested in us.
#73
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Well, it's really your personality, Mary, but yeah, I'm gay.
#74
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Hey, that anal stuff, was he making that up?
#75
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No, Butch. The anal stuff's all true.
#76
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No shit.
#77
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It is so tiring.
#78
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Believe me.
#79
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And you do sleep way better after.
#80
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I've missed work from doing it.
#81
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You weren't sick last week.
#82
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No, I went to the RNC.
#83
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Anal sex doesn't make me tired.
#84
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- Was it gay anal? - No.
#85
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There you go.
#86
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Oh.
#87
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Hmm. Phil makes some important points there, right?
#88
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I mean, I certainly didn't know that was a true statement.
#89
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It is.
#90
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In fact, it might be the truest statement I've ever heard.
#91
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Certainly feel like I got my exercise jumping to conclusions today.
#92
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But, you know, we all learned something today.
#93
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And that's why we do these retreats, right?
#94
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Barry?
#95
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Please, sit back down.
#96
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Yeah.
#97
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I'm sorry, Barry. I was wrong.
#98
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Oh, it's fine.
#99
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May all of us sleep like a homo tonight.
#100
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- Yeah. - He knows!
#101
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Hear, hear!
#102
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I do.
#103
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Hear, hear!
#104
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I'm glad we're past that. Because I have to shit like a Jew.
#105
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You're a fucking terrible person.
#106
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Health. There are so many things you have to do to master it.
#107
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Some people eat right.
#108
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Some people do yoga.
#109
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And for some people, the only way they can function
#110
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is to experience the nonstop laughter with millions of fans,
#111
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knowing it could all go away at any moment.
#112
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Tom?
#113
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Tom?
#114
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- Oh, my God. - He's got a gun?
#115
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He's got a gun!
#116
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Oh, my God.
#117
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Hold on...
#118
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No, no, no, no!
#119
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- Tom. - Put the gun down.
#120
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Tom, don't do it!
#121
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Hello?
#122
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My show got renewed.
#123
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We each approach being healthy in unique ways.
#124
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But some of us are given genetic gifts the rest of us could only dream about.
#125
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But what if you could have it all?
#126
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Heart muscle can become excessively thick.
#127
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Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
#128
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can lead to some very serious complications
#129
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like atrial fibrillation, which is...
#130
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- Start your fitness journey today. - Hold on.
#131
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I, um... Uh, I was gonna try to join a gym.
#132
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Show us your abs.
#133
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You're all dismissed.
#134
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You guys have a good week, okay?
#135
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It's gonna take more than a gym.
#136
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Okay, great. Thank you very much.
#137
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End of the night, there were 15 people in the hot tub.
#138
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Anyway... Hey, can I help you?
#139
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This is the gym?
#140
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Sorry. I went on the website just filling out a thing.
#141
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Mr. Hale.
#142
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- Yes? - I got you down for a 3:15 tour.
#143
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This is our membership pamphlet.
#144
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It's got all the rules, regulations. You're gonna wanna read that.
#145
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- Okay? - Yeah. I just...
#146
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always find a way to talk myself out of these things.
#147
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Well, not today, my friend.
#148
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Listen, let's get your signature on that.
#149
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It's a one-year commitment, but try not to think of it
#150
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as a commitment to a gym, but a commitment to yourself.
#151
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You know what I mean?
#152
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Bro.
#153
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- Hmm? - You good?
#154
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Yeah. Yes.
#155
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All right. Welcome to the party.
#156
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Get you your pre-workout shot.
#157
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Oh, I'm good.
#158
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Take the shot.
#159
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Grip and dip it.
#160
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Mmm-mmm-mmm. All right.
#161
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Day one of the new you.
#162
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You've got your rowers, runners, ergs. You got your assault bikes.
#163
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One more, Eduardo.
#164
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I'm just fucking with you, man.
#165
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We got new high bars.
#166
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Yeah, great form, man. Keep it up.
#167
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And this is the locker room.
#168
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Just take any one that's free.
#169
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Okay, cool.
#170
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So how did you hear about us?
#171
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I was actually on a Reddit thread and...
#172
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- What's up, man? - Good to see you.
#173
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People were, uh...
#174
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They were raving about it.
#175
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Yeah, our fans, they go hard.
#176
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Yeah. It...
#177
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Yeah. He's a good guy.
#178
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Well, showers through there.
#179
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You got any questions, I'll be out front. You're gonna love it.
#180
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Let's get hardcore.
#181
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Let's do it.
#182
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Here, here. I got you, bro.
#183
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Dude, what the fuck?
#184
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I was good.
#185
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I was just trying to help.
#186
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That's a weird, weird way you help.
#187
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- Weird? - Yeah.
#188
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You didn't think that was weird?
#189
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- I'm sorry. - Everything good, bro?
#190
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You know...
#191
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I just... I don't think I fit in here, okay?
#192
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You guys do your own... whatever that was.
#193
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What the fuck?
#194
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Nice hammer!
#195
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- Thanks. - First day?
#196
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- Yeah. - Yeah.
#197
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First day is the craziest.
#198
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How?
#199
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Well, either your dad's Secretariat or you took something.
#200
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The shot.
#201
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- What was that? - Yeah. I don't know.
#202
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But it does that.
#203
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Dude! Welcome back.
#204
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What's up, Chief?
#205
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Oh, my God.
#206
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My man.
#207
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And in the words of the great Jonas Salk,
#208
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"The reward for work well done is the opportunity to do more."
#209
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Yes! Yes!
#210
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Whoa. You satisfy me in every way.
#211
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Ah!
#212
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Oh!
#213
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Oh, yes! Yes! Ow! Ow!
#214
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- Stop. - Wha... Wha...
#215
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- What happened? - Oh!
#216
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I guess my eyes were bigger than my pussy.
#217
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Fucking dickzilla trying to split me in half.
#218
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No, thanks.
#219
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In all my years of teaching,
#220
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I've never had a less impressive group of students.
#221
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It's not like you're gonna end up being doctors, you know?
#222
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- You're just gonna end up-- - Come on.
#223
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Wait, I'm teaching a class. These are my students.
#224
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Hey, what's up, Chief?
#225
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Hey, what's up, man?
#226
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Look at this shit.
#227
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Oh, is it too much?
#228
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I'd say so!
#229
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Well, you kept taking the shots.
#230
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I thought I was supposed to.
#231
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- You read the pamphlet. - Pamphlet?
#232
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Yeah. Day One pamphlet. Explains what can happen.
#233
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You don't think maybe this deserves more than a pamphlet?
#234
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We can fix it. We can fix it.
#235
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All right? Just calm down.
#236
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You go to the back hallway.
#237
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There's a door marked "Staff." Okay?
#238
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They can help you.
#239
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Best of luck.
#240
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They said you could fix this.
#241
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Very funny.
#242
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Oh, you're not gonna laugh.
#243
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You want me to hack my dick off?
#244
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No. You want to hack your dick off.
#245
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I'm giving you the tool to do it.
#246
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What kind of solution is that?
#247
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How many shots did you take?
#248
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- Maybe 20. - God damn!
#249
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You took maybe 20 shots to make your wee-wee grow,
#250
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and now it's too much, so you want it to go away.
#251
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How do you think that happens, mmm?
#252
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Does it, you know, look normal after that?
#253
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Hell no! Looks like somebody hacked your dick off.
#254
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Then I don't wanna do it.
#255
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Okay.
#256
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Wait, wait.
#257
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Have other people done it?
#258
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There's so many dicks.
#259
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Do it, man.
#260
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Do it now.
#261
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Do it. Come on.
#262
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What are you waiting for?
#263
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Cut it off.
#264
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Talk myself out of these things.
#265
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Talk myself out of these things. Talk myself out of these things.
#266
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Always find a way to talk myself out of these things.
#267
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Bro.
#268
⇓
Huh?
#269
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You good?
#270
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Fuck yes, dude!
#271
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All right.
#272
⇓
Ah, thirsty boy.
#273
⇓
Mmm-hmm. Let's get this shit started.
#274
⇓
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