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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S02E01 — Charlie Gets Crippled

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 2, Episode 1 — Charlie Gets Crippled

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Charlie Gets Crippled

Air date: June 29, 2006

Director: Rob Mac

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

An accident that puts Charlie in a wheelchair opens up a window of possibilities for the gang. Meanwhile, Dennis and Dee’s estranged father reenters their life in hopes of starting anew with his children and soon discovers that he enjoys the lifestyle of their friends.

Source: TMDB

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MAC: Come on. One more race. DENNIS: When we race, you lose.

dennis lose race

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CHARLIE: You always lose.

charlie lose

↓

MAC: One more and we'll go to the strip club.

club strip strip-club

↓

DENNIS: Three, two, one.

dennis three

↓

- Goddamn it! - What is wrong with you?

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

- Super slow drinker here. - Do you have a little throat?

drinker slow super throat

↓

- Dennis, we gotta get out of here. - Why?

dennis

↓

I got off the phone with Dad. He wants to stop by and talk to us.

phone wants

↓

- What does he want? - I don't know!

↓

Let's go before we have to deal with this!

deal

↓

Let's get out of here before you guys get around your father.

father

↓

Let's just take care of one more... Don't... Don't be grabby.

care

↓

- Dennis, I need to borrow $20. - What, dude?

borrow dennis

↓

- Just give me some money, man. - How come you never have money?

money

↓

- Dee? Moneys? - No way.

moneys

↓

What are you gonna do at the strip club with...

club strip strip-club

↓

- Will you just get in the car! - No!

↓

It sucks for me 'cause you guys get all the girls and the attention!

attention girls sucks

↓

My dad's gonna be here in a second! Will you get in the car!

dads second

↓

No! I'm going home! I'm going home.

home

↓

- Can we go? Please! - Yeah, we can go. We can go.

↓

- Dennis! - Oh, Jesus!

dennis jesus

↓

CHARLIE: Dennis, no! (loud thud)

charlie charlie-dennis dennis loud thud

↓

CHARLIE: Dennis, you son of a bitch!

bitch charlie charlie-dennis dennis

↓

DENNIS: What the hell is wrong with you, Dad?

dennis

↓

Why would you sneak around the bar at night?

night sneak

↓

You don't snoop, sneak, appear in front of cars and yell names!

appear cars front names sneak snoop yell

↓

- No! - I had something important to tell.

↓

Really? What's so important it can't wait till morning?

morning till

↓

Nothing's more important than we hitting our friend with a car.

friend hitting nothings

↓

Oh, yeah? Try this on for size. Your mother's dead.

dead mothers size

↓

- No. - What?

↓

Oh, my God! (sighs)

sighs

↓

No, she's not dead. We're gettin' divorced though.

dead divorced gettin

↓

- Why... - Why...

↓

- What... - What...

↓

- Why would you say she's dead? - It's a business tactic.

business dead tactic

↓

You drop the bomb, then you soften the blow. You never tried this?

blow bomb drop soften tried

↓

- That's a terrible business tactic! - You are a horrible father.

business father horrible tactic

↓

That's what I came to talk to you about.

↓

I hate the kind of person that your whore mother turned me into.

hate mother person turned whore

↓

The big house, the big car... I'm giving it all away.

giving house

↓

- Hmm? - Giving it away how?

giving

↓

For starters, I'm giving all my money to charity.

charity giving money starters

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Then I'm gonna hang out with you two.

hang

↓

That's what this is all about, spending time with my kids.

kids spending

↓

- Hold on a second. - I wanna be the father I never was.

father second

↓

- Shh, shh, shh. - Getting to know them.

↓

What did you say about the money?

money

↓

- I'm giving it all away. - That is a very stupid thing to do.

giving stupid

↓

You're a very stupid, stupid man. Who are you gonna give it to?

stupid stupid-stupid

↓

I don't know. Poor people.

poor

↓

- Poor people? - Poor people?

poor

↓

What... What is your... Okay, where's Mom?

↓

Mom? She's on vacation banging one of the boys she hangs out with.

banging boys hangs vacation

↓

Dennis, your mother is a dirty, dirty whore.

dennis dirty dirty-dirty dirty-whore mother whore

↓

Goddamn it, Dad! First you force me to run over my friend Charlie

charlie force friend goddamn goddamn-it

↓

and then you start talking about Mom like she's dead.

dead start

↓

- Now she's a dirty whore? - And the money.

dirty dirty-whore money whore

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You can't waltz back into our lives and be our dad again!

lives waltz

↓

- And the money. - It doesn't work that way.

money

↓

- You can't just barge in! - And the money!

barge money

↓

And the money! My God, Dad!

money

↓

All of our money? (gasps)

gasps money

↓

- Well, that was awkward. - Yes, it was.

awkward

↓

- Sort of a private conversation. - Very much a family-type moment.

conversation family moment private type

↓

- We didn't need to hear that. CHARLIE: Not for our ears.

charlie ears

↓

Wanna go to the strip club?

club strip strip-club

↓

(rock music playing) I don't know.

music music-playing playing rock rock-music rock-music-playing

↓

I've been manically depressed for the past couple of years.

couple depressed past years

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I just feel like I need a serious change or I'm gonna kill myself.

change kill serious

↓

Right, so when you say you're giving your money away to poor people,

giving money poor

↓

do you mean "Mexico" poor or can it be "Me and Charlie" poor?

charlie mexico poor

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I haven't given that much thought.

given

↓

Put some thought into that one. Consider that.

consider

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Yeah, man. Give that some thought.

↓

In the meantime, you wanna get shit-faced, bro. So I tell you what.

faced meantime

↓

Before we get crazy giving away our money here,

crazy giving money

↓

what do you say we buy a couple of pitchers,

couple pitchers

↓

maybe a few tequila shots, a few rounds of kamikazes.

rounds shots tequila

↓

After that, we'll hit the town, tie on a serious buzz. Alright, bud?

alright buzz serious town

↓

Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened?

baby happened poor poor-baby

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My best friend ran me over with his car.

best best-friend friend

↓

(gasps) Yeah.

gasps

↓

- Oh, my God! That's terrible! - Yeah, yeah.

↓

- Do you want a lap dance? - Oh...

dance

↓

- I don't have any money. - Oh!

money

↓

- I could give you one for free. - Really?

free

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

Oh, my God! You poor baby. What happened to you?

baby happened poor poor-baby

↓

His friend ran him over with a car.

friend

↓

- That is so sad. - I know.

↓

I was gonna give him a free lap dance.

dance free

↓

- She totally was. - I'll join you!

join

↓

That's great! Do one of you girls wanna hook my boy up over here?

girls hook

↓

- He's really down in the dumps. - Okay!

dumps

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- No, no, no. I don't... I don't... - Oh, come on, buddy!

buddy

↓

- You gotta do this! - Embrace it. Get in the spirit.

embrace spirit

↓

This is gonna cheer you up.

cheer

↓

Well, maybe just one. (all cheering)

cheering

↓

All right, Frank! See? That's the spirit that beat the Japanese!

beat frank japanese spirit

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God. Stupid Dad! Never gave me a goddamn thing.

goddamn stupid

↓

Give his shit to poor people. Poor people? (glass breaking)

breaking glass poor

↓

(yells) Ooh! Ooh!

yells

↓

Oh! Oh.

↓

Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?

scared

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Same thing you're doing, Dennis.

dennis

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I'm not letting Dad give all this shit to poor people.

letting poor

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I got here first. I'm taking the plasma TV and the fish tank.

fish plasma tank

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- How come you get to pick? - It's not that I get to pick.

pick

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I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things.

carry heavy strong

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You're a woman. You're weak and you can't.

weak woman

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- You're a woman and you're weak. - That doesn't make any sense.

sense weak woman

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- You don't make any sense. - Great. I'll tell you what.

sense

↓

I'm gonna take all the stuff I want and load it into my enormous SUV,

enormous load stuff

↓

and you can grab some trinkets and throw it in your tiny little car.

grab throw tiny

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I don't... All right, look. We don't need to be doing this, okay?

↓

You're my brother. We're... We're in this thing together.

brother

↓

We don't need to make this a competition.

competition

↓

Yeah. You're right.

↓

A competition. That's a good idea. I'll make you a deal.

competition deal idea

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Whatever your feeble little arms can carry out of here, you can keep.

arms carry feeble

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And the rest is mine.

rest

↓

God, I hate you so bad!

hate

↓

- Okay, you ready? ALL: Yeah!

ready

↓

On your mark! Get set! Go!

mark

↓

(cheering and shouting)

cheering shouting

↓

- Go, go, go! - Go, horsey!

horsey

↓

Come on! Come on!

↓

(exclaiming)

exclaiming

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No! Wait a second! Charlie, you hit me!

charlie second second-charlie

↓

- You hit me, Charlie! - So what? So what?

charlie

↓

- You are fast. - I was winning anyway.

fast winning

↓

This one's too heavy! This one's too heavy!

heavy ones

↓

- You are freakishly fast! - Thanks.

fast thanks

↓

- Charlie, got any booze in here? - Yeah, yeah.

booze charlie

↓

Check under my bed or under one of my pillows.

check pillows

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Hey, guys, I can't thank you enough. I feel so much better. So much.

↓

Yeah, man. Hey, you look great. Make yourself at home.

home

↓

- We gotta get him out of here. - What? Why, dude?

↓

Because there's two of them and three of us!

three

↓

Have a heart. The guy's going through a divorce.

divorce heart

↓

Since when do you give a shit about people?

↓

Maybe you should be the one that leaves, okay?

leaves

↓

Charlie. Don't you roll away when I'm talking to you.

charlie roll

↓

- I'm the reason they're here. - That is bullshit! You know it.

bullshit reason

↓

- Do not ruin this for me! - I'm not ruining anything!

ruin ruining

↓

Whoa! What are you guys fighting about?

fighting whoa

↓

Nothing, man. We're just having a...

having

↓

Well, take it out in the hall. You're ruining the vibe.

hall ruining vibe

↓

Okay. We'll go out in the hall.

hall

↓

- Watch my... Watch my... - Shut up!

watch

↓

Easy. Easy! Your behavior is unbelievable, man.

behavior easy easy-easy unbelievable

↓

- How are we gonna do this? - Okay.

↓

- Let's flip a coin. Loser leaves. - Great.

coin flip leaves loser

↓

- Okay, get a coin. - I don't have a coin.

coin

↓

- Why don't you... - Give me a coin.

coin

↓

- You have a coin? - Of course I don't have a coin.

coin course

↓

- Let's flip something else. - All right.

flip

↓

Something in the hallway, like a feather.

feather hallway

↓

- That piece of wood? - That's not gonna work.

piece wood

↓

- Something off the chair? - Yeah.

chair

↓

Maybe we'll just break something off the chair.

break chair

↓

Don't... Don't break it too much.

break

↓

- That's not gonna work. - It's a rental.

rental

↓

- Frank's got money. Let's ask him. - All right.

franks money

↓

It's locked.

locked

↓

No. You gotta push it hard 'cause it sticks.

hard push sticks

↓

- I'm telling you, it's locked. - Bang again! Frank!

bang frank locked telling

↓

Frank, open the door, dude!

door frank open

↓

- Hey. - Oh. Hey.

↓

You guys need to give me about 45 minutes in here, okay?

minutes

↓

Hey, Charlie, here's five dollars.

charlie dollars five five-dollars

↓

Go down to Wawa, pick me up a couple of sodas.

couple pick wawa

↓

I got a feeling I'll be pretty thirsty after this.

feeling thirsty

↓

- Yeah. Hey... - Oh... (lock clicks)

clicks lock lock-clicks

↓

Son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

(music)

music

↓

Over the line. Over the line!

line

↓

I'm... I'm on the line.

line

↓

On the line is over the line. Get your foot on your side.

foot line side

↓

Which side? This one? Is this the side?

side

↓

- No. - This the one you're talking about?

↓

Get... All right. You know what? Oh, what is this?

↓

- Do you recognize this lamp? - Where'd you get that?

lamp recognize whered

↓

I think this is the lamp Dad got you in China.

china lamp

↓

- Give it back. - As I recall.

recall

↓

- Give me my lamp. - Must have gotten it of your room.

gotten lamp must room

↓

- It's mine. - Let me put it on your side.

side

↓

- You... - Oh, that is a shame.

shame

↓

- That's fine. I don't care. Yeah. - It slipped.

care slipped

↓

By the way, I wanted to show you something

wanted

↓

my feeble little arms were able to carry.

able arms carry feeble

↓

By all means.

↓

- Mr. Tibbs. - Oh, is that it?

↓

Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? Mr. Tibbs?

↓

- What do they call you now? - Whatever.

↓

I don't care. (shudders softly)

care shudders softly

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(door opens) Hey-o!

door door-opens opens

↓

(grunts) - What's up, bitches? - What... What?

bitches grunts

↓

Dennis, you would not believe how great this thing is.

believe dennis

↓

People give you free shit

free

↓

and women treat you like a puppy they found out on the street.

found puppy street treat women

↓

- Really? - Yeah. Dude, I was thinking.

thinking

↓

You pick up one of these bad boys, we head down to the mall.

boys head mall pick

↓

There's a ton of talent down there. We've been looking for a new angle.

angle looking talent

↓

- That does sound like fun. - Yeah. Yeah, that'll work.

fun sound thatll

↓

Oh, I'm sorry, Dee.

↓

We're putting ourselves into the shoes of the unfortunate,

putting shoes unfortunate

↓

see what their world's like, maybe gain a little perspective.

gain perspective worlds

↓

- What do you do? - I don't take advantage of people.

advantage

↓

Oh! Look at Sweet Dee sitting on her cloud of judgment,

cloud judgment sitting sweet

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handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

handing lessons life sinners

↓

Come on, Mac. Let's go get crippled.

crippled

↓

(music)

music

↓

Charlie.

charlie

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- Charlie, buddy. Charlie. - Oh, my God, I'm cold.

buddy buddy-charlie charlie cold

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- We gotta talk, Charlie. - Oh, yeah, Frank. We have to talk.

charlie frank

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Last night was one of the greatest nights of my whole life.

greatest life night nights whole whole-life

↓

I'm sure it was.

↓

I used to live like this in squalor and filth,

filth live squalor used

↓

always trying to get over on people, scamming my way through situations.

situations

↓

- I don't care! - I wanna live like you again.

care live

↓

I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopeless.

desperate hopeless pathetic ugly

↓

- I am not ugly. - It's the change I've looked for.

change looked ugly

↓

- I wanna move in with you. - Are you out...

↓

Are you out of your damn mind? You made me sleep out in the hall.

hall mind sleep

↓

You ignored my cries for help at night.

cries ignored night

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I'll pay for your rent for six months.

months rent

↓

- Twelve. - Six.

twelve

↓

- Ten. - Six.

↓

- Nine. - Six.

nine

↓

- Ten. - Six.

↓

- Twelve. - Four.

four twelve

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- Six. - Deal.

deal

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- No more sleeping in the hall. - I can't promise that.

hall promise sleeping

↓

- Let's get ready. - Where are you taking me?

ready

↓

- Back to the strip club. - All right. Strip club...

club strip strip-club

↓

(screams) - Dude! My legs! - Hold on a second.

legs screams second

↓

This is going to be like shooting fish in a barrel for us.

barrel fish shooting

↓

It's gonna be awesome. What's your backstory?

awesome backstory

↓

What do you mean?

↓

Bro, your backstory. How'd your legs get crippled?

backstory crippled howd legs

↓

- I don't know. - Check mine out. I had polio. Okay?

check polio

↓

That's why I'm rocking the FDR look with the blanket and everything.

blanket rocking

↓

I got a problem. My legs are really muscular and athletic.

athletic legs muscular problem

↓

So nobody's gonna believe that they're dead.

believe dead nobodys

↓

With the blanket, everyone will assume that underneath,

assume blanket underneath

↓

my legs are withered and useless.

legs useless withered

↓

- That's a good idea. - Bro, it's brilliant.

brilliant idea

↓

I have polio, too.

polio

↓

You can't have it. That's my disease.

disease

↓

- You gotta pick your own disease. - But I want polio.

disease pick polio

↓

- Well, you can't have it. - What the hell is this?

↓

Are you sure you're okay?

↓

It's really important that I do this myself.

↓

You are so brave. (chuckles)

brave chuckles

↓

(chuckles)

chuckles

↓

- I got it! All by myself, I did it. - Yeah, you did. That's awesome.

awesome

↓

Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

What are we gonna do? We can't go back in there.

↓

- Everybody's desensitized. - Look.

everybodys

↓

We'll go to Crate & Barrel. Maybe we can find some cougars or something.

barrel crate

↓

Hey, guys!

↓

Shit! What do we do? What do we do?

↓

Okay. Just play it cool, man. Play it cool.

cool

↓

- Hey. - Hey.

↓

- How's it going? - I have polio.

polio

↓

Oh.

↓

Okay.

↓

- And I have polio... - He has polio, too.

polio

↓

All right.

↓

(music)

music

↓

So if you wanna shower, you gotta shower in the bar.

shower

↓

- Shower in the bar? - Yeah. Shower in the sink.

shower sink

↓

- In the sink? - You never showered in a sink...

sink

↓

- Oh, oh, oh... Oh, my God! - What?

↓

- Do you see that? - What?

↓

I got a good idea, Frank.

frank idea

↓

I know how we can really up our game at the strip club.

club game strip strip-club

↓

How?

↓

Who gets more respect and admiration in this country than war heroes?

country heroes respect

↓

- Athletes. - Yeah, that's true.

athletes

↓

- But after that. - Rock stars.

rock rock-stars stars

↓

- Also true. But after that, Frank. - Actors.

actors frank

↓

- Yeah... Right. - Models.

models

↓

- Yes. Look... - Rich people.

rich

↓

Okay, look! If you just buy me this costume,

costume

↓

I'm gonna show them a war hero they can't take their eyes off of.

eyes hero

↓

I don't think the costume's gonna work.

costumes

↓

This costume... The chicks are gonna go crazy over this.

chicks costume crazy

↓

FRANK: Maybe I should do the talking.

frank

↓

It's gonna be like fish in a barrel. I got it covered. Watch and learn.

barrel covered fish learn watch

↓

Oh, look at you, sweetie. What happened?

happened sweetie

↓

Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer, bitch!

beer bitch goddamn happened viet

↓

- Excuse me. - What are you doing?

excuse

↓

- Hey, that was working. - Let me do the talking.

working

↓

- I'll take it from here. - Did you just box me in?

↓

You don't do that to a guy, Frank. You don't box in a vet!

frank

↓

You don't stick a vet in the corner, Frank!

corner frank stick

↓

He's a little loosey-goosey upstairs.

loosey upstairs

↓

I try to get him out as much as possible. It's very difficult.

difficult possible

↓

- Is he your... - He's my poor little crippled boy.

crippled poor

↓

Oh, that's so sad.

↓

I didn't fight no damn war so I could be boxed in

boxed fight

↓

by some square commie-ass piece of shit!

piece square

↓

Well, I feel awful.

awful

↓

That's what happens when you meet an actual crippled person.

actual crippled happens meet person

↓

- Brings you down. - Disabled.

brings disabled

↓

Whatever. Crippled, disabled... I don't care!

care crippled disabled

↓

I just wanna get out of here. This thing's ruined.

ruined

↓

I know! We should because you weren't pulling it off anyway.

pulling

↓

Hold on a second. Don't pull that shit with me, okay?

pull second

↓

- I didn't ruin this. You did. - How did I ruin it?

ruin

↓

Because I had a good polio backstory that the chicks...

backstory chicks polio

↓

Nobody cares about polio or backstories or...

cares nobody nobody-cares polio

↓

You know what? I bet you a million dollars if I had talked to a girl...

dollars girl million million-dollars talked

↓

- For God's sakes! - About my withered legs, then...

gods gods-sakes legs sakes withered

↓

What are we doing? What are we doing?

↓

I think that there's only one true way to settle this like gentlemen.

gentlemen settle

↓

You're dead!

dead

↓

Hey!

↓

No! No!

↓

- Oh, yeah, baby! - You cheated! You cheated!

baby cheated

↓

- Oh, yeah! Whoo! - You suck! All you do is cheat!

cheat suck whoo

↓

How do you feel about that? How do you feel about that?

↓

What are you doing? You're just a sore loser!

loser sore

↓

What's going on down there?

↓

Two guys pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.

asses disabled kicking others pretending

↓

What a bunch of scumbags. (scoffs)

bunch scoffs

↓

- Being handicapped sucks. - Oh, yeah. It's too much work.

handicapped sucks

↓

- There's nothing to show for it. - No advantages.

advantages

↓

- Look at this guy. - Another homeless guy?

another homeless

↓

- Buddy. - Hey, pal, wake up.

buddy wake

↓

- Hey. - Charlie?

charlie

↓

- What the hell are you doing? - What time is it?

↓

Why are you dressed like that? What is going on?

dressed

↓

Why are you sleeping out here?

sleeping

↓

Because I can't sleep in there! I can't get onto the stupid curb!

curb sleep stupid

↓

Why would you wanna sleep in there?

sleep

↓

Your dad keeps swooping in, taking my chicks

chicks keeps

↓

and locking me out of my apartment!

apartment locking

↓

Okay. Well, we were gonna go inside and get drunk. Wanna come with us?

drunk

↓

No. Look at me. I got a whole thing going on.

whole

↓

- What... Really? - I'm going to... Don't touch that.

touch

↓

I'm going to the strip club. I'm gonna get some girls...

club girls strip strip-club

↓

- With this? - Yeah, with this!

↓

I mean, the whole thing is... This is good as gold.

gold whole

↓

Frank keeps coming in. He swoops in, takes my chicks.

chicks coming frank keeps keeps-coming takes

↓

He doesn't care about me. What kind of a guy does that?

care

↓

Who comes into someone's apartment and just kicks him out?

apartment comes kicks someones

↓

Like I'm a piece of crap. Like I belong on the street.

belong piece street

↓

Like I'm some kind of piece of dirt. That's bullshit, man!

bullshit dirt piece

↓

War hero coming through. How you doing? War hero. So...

coming hero

↓

Kind of a big deal. I'm a war hero. How do you... Hey, how you doin'?

deal doin hero

↓

I'm a war hero. So I'll catch up with you. Alright.

alright catch hero

↓

Okay. All right. Hey, war hero. So...

hero

↓

All right. All right. Maybe hit the gym a little bit.

↓

What the hell?

↓

Yeah! (hooting and shouting)

hooting shouting

↓

No!

↓

No! No!

↓

Charlie! Hey, this is my roommate, Charlie.

charlie roommate

↓

- Girls, say hello to Charlie. - No!

charlie girls

↓

GIRLS: Hi, Charlie! - No! No! No! No! No!

charlie girls

↓

No, Frank! Come here! Come here!

frank

↓

- What... What is this shit? - Well, it's just...

↓

I rigged it up. It's like...

rigged

↓

I'm really using my hands, but they don't know it.

hands using

↓

What are you doing with strippers? You're stealing my thing!

stealing strippers

↓

What? Well, I figured, you know, I'd cut out the middleman.

figured middleman

↓

This way, everybody wins.

everybody wins

↓

I don't win.

↓

The other thing I figured out is the only thing

figured

↓

that attracts the attention of strippers more than pity is money.

attention money pity strippers

↓

And I brought a shitload of that. (cackling)

brought cackling shitload

↓

- What... Charlie! - I'm gonna kill you!

charlie kill

↓

- You're blowing up my scene! - Are you crazy?

blowing crazy scene

↓

This is the best thing that ever happened and you're ruining it!

best happened ruining

↓

You come to my apartment! You lock me out!

apartment lock

↓

Take all my girls! It's not a win-win situation!

girls situation

↓

- My thumb's on your neck. - Why can't you give me this?

neck thumbs

↓

- This guy's a walker! - I'm gonna kill you.

kill walker

↓

But I love the guy, all right?

love

↓

He's family, you know? I mean, we've been through a lot together.

family

↓

Okay? So, you know, is it wrong for me to love him?

love

↓

I don't know.

↓

If I have to listen to you talk about this stupid,

stupid

↓

goddamned stuffed elephant anymore, I'm going to punch you in the head.

anymore elephant goddamned head punch stuffed

↓

Hey! Mr. Tibbs was not just some stupid stuffed element...

element stuffed stupid

↓

Elephant, okay? He was like a companion.

companion elephant

↓

Strip club!

club strip strip-club

↓

- All right. Let's go... - Strip club!

club strip strip-club

↓

Yeah. Let's go to the strip club.

club strip strip-club

↓

You're driving.

driving

↓

All right.

↓

You know, I didn't realize that somebody

realize somebody

↓

n your condition could have so much energy.

condition energy

↓

- Well, you gotta live, right? - God!

live

↓

You know, you... You are an amazing person.

amazing person

↓

I'm scoring in there, and you come in there and blow everything!

blow

↓

You shouldn't even be in there!

↓

You get your hands off my blow tube!

blow hands tube

↓

CHARLIE: Go get your goddamn car and give me a ride home!

charlie goddamn home ride ride-home

↓

- I'll give you a ride home! - Hey!

home ride ride-home

↓

(shouting) Ow, my legs!

legs shouting

↓

Oh, my legs! (groans) Frank, what are you doing?

frank groans legs

↓

- Hey, Dad! CHARLIE: My broken legs!

broken charlie legs

↓

Why are you beating up a homeless person?

beating homeless person

↓

What the hell's with the crutches?

crutches hells

↓

It's kind of a long story. I can't really go into it right now.

story

↓

Oh, yeah? Whether you like it or not...

whether

↓

- Here! How about that? - Hey! Give...

↓

Whoo! That's right! We're going to the strip club!

club strip strip-club whoo

↓

I'm gonna steal Charlie's girls at the strip club!

charlies club girls steal strip strip-club

↓

I'm gonna buy you a lap dance. I'm gonna buy myself a lap dance.

dance

↓

I'm gonna buy everybody at the whole strip club a lap dance.

club dance everybody strip strip-club whole

↓

Whoa! Are you people all pretending to be handicapped?

handicapped pretending whoa

↓

- Mind your business. - Give me the crutches back.

business crutches mind

↓

- No! - Dad!

↓

(laughing)

laughing

↓

Who's acting like a child? You stole my stuff!

acting child stole stuff

↓

- Oh! Whoo! - Whoo, baby!

baby whoo whoo-whoo

↓

- I'm gonna count to three. - You don't get the crutches.

count crutches three

↓

- One thousand-two... - Here's the crutches.

crutches thousand

↓

- Give me... - You can't have 'em!

↓

(arguing continues)

arguing continues

↓

BOTH: Oh, shit! (loud crash)

crash loud

↓

Dr. Lyon, please report to the emergency room.

emergency emergency-room report room

↓

We are so lucky that nobody got killed.

killed lucky nobody

↓

- Oh, my God. - Well, yeah.

↓

Actually, Dennis is lucky that nobody got killed

dennis killed lucky nobody

↓

since he's the guy that just about killed everybody.

everybody killed

↓

- Maybe you killed somebody. - How does that make sense?

killed sense somebody

↓

Maybe you did kill somebody!

kill kill-somebody somebody

↓

You were standing in front of a driving car...

driving front standing

↓

- Yeah, well, driving a vehicle... - Shut up!

driving vehicle

↓

Will you shut up, for crying out loud!

crying loud

↓

Don't youse ever stop fighting and just shut the hell up?

fighting youse

↓

Now, who wants ice cream?

cream wants

↓

- I do. - Really, Dad?

↓

Enjoy a nice ice cream

cream enjoy

↓

and just thank goodness that nobody important got seriously hurt.

goodness hurt nobody

↓

(monitor beeping)

beeping monitor monitor-beeping

↓

What a bunch of assholes.

assholes bunch