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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S01E07 — Charlie Got Molested
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Season 1, Episode 7 — Charlie Got Molested
(pool balls clacking)
#1
⇓
DENNIS: On the side. CHARLIE: You didn't do that
#2
⇓
on purpose otherwise that would've been a great shot.
#3
⇓
DENNIS: Watch this. Side pocket.
#4
⇓
- Holy shit! - What?
#5
⇓
"Christopher Murray, a teacher at St. Vincent's Elementary,
#6
⇓
"has been accused of sexually abusing two former students."
#7
⇓
St. Vincent's? That's that school you went to, right, Mac?
#8
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- Yeah, me and Charlie. - What else does it say?
#9
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"Murray has been the physical education teacher
#10
⇓
"and boys' basketball coach for close to 25 years."
#11
⇓
Blah, blah, blah.
#12
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"The accusers are two brothers whose names are being withheld,
#13
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"but the investigation will focus on the mid-1980s
#14
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"as the time period for alleged abuse.
#15
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"The police are hoping more young men will come forward."
#16
⇓
- Wow. That's horrible. - Did this guy teach you guys?
#17
⇓
- Yeah. - No.
#18
⇓
Yes, he did. We were in the same class.
#19
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No. Yeah. Well, no, I didn't like it, though.
#20
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What the hell are you talking about?
#21
⇓
I didn't like that class.
#22
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- What? - I gotta go!
#23
⇓
Holy shit.
#24
⇓
Charlie got molested.
#25
⇓
When dealing with molestation,
#26
⇓
the first step is always understanding.
#27
⇓
So we need to take a moment and assess the situation.
#28
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- Write this down. - What? No, look.
#29
⇓
First of all, we can't sit around and let him wallow in it.
#30
⇓
And second of all, the first step is acknowledgment.
#31
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- So I better write that down. - No. No, no.
#32
⇓
What... Guys! What the hell are you guys talking about?
#33
⇓
Mac, Sweet Dee and I took psychology at Penn, so let the grown-ups talk.
#34
⇓
Okay? Thank you.
#35
⇓
DEE: Listen, I think we need to have an intervention.
#36
⇓
You know, bring his friends and family together for support.
#37
⇓
Yeah, that's a good idea.
#38
⇓
Let's tell everybody Charlie knows that he got blown by a gym teacher.
#39
⇓
Then we'll throw him a little surprise party,
#40
⇓
celebrate the occasion. - Okay, you know what?
#41
⇓
You being a smart-ass, not helping Charlie in this situation.
#42
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Whoa, whoa. Who said anything about getting blown?
#43
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The article didn't specify what type of abuse it was.
#44
⇓
- It could have been anything, dude. - But do you think he got blown?
#45
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- I don't know. - Yeah. Probably got blown.
#46
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Which is why I think you need to reconsider my idea.
#47
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- Okay. You know what? - Stop. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
#48
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We need to clarify something here.
#49
⇓
Do you think that Murray blew these guys?
#50
⇓
Why are you so obsessed with the blowing aspect of all this?
#51
⇓
Because I knew these two brothers that the article was talking about.
#52
⇓
The McPoyle twins, Ryan and Liam. Okay?
#53
⇓
They were the type of kids that would blow snot bubbles
#54
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and rub 'em over each other. They were gross,
#55
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and they smelled like a couple of unwiped assholes.
#56
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DENNIS: So what? - Well, you know,
#57
⇓
f Murray is, like, fondling or touching them,
#58
⇓
whatever, I get it, all right?
#59
⇓
But if he's dishing out blow jobs, come on.
#60
⇓
- I just don't understand. - What do you not get?
#61
⇓
- What are you talking about? - You're not getting this?
#62
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I was in that class with them, all right?
#63
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I was with those guys! (sighs)
#64
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- Um, are you okay, dude? - No, dude. I'm not okay.
#65
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How come you're getting so upset?
#66
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The police are asking for more young men to come forward.
#67
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You know, that means there are more guys out there who've been blown.
#68
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- What are you looking for? - Photographs.
#69
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- I have photographs. - Oh, my God.
#70
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- You have photographs of it? - Oh! Okay.
#71
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Uh, listen, are you trying to say that you got molested?
#72
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Okay, look at this. Look at this guy, huh?
#73
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I was cute. I was energetic. I was fun.
#74
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I mean, what exactly was this prick looking for?
#75
⇓
- What are you... - Sorry?
#76
⇓
(sighs) If the McPoyles got blown and Charlie got blown,
#77
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then why didn't I get blown?
#78
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- You're goin' to hell, dude. - Seriously.
#79
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(knocking) Yo! McPoyle!
#80
⇓
Hey, open up!
#81
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Hey, Charlie. Long time no see. What do you want?
#82
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Is your brother here, man? I gotta talk to you guys.
#83
⇓
- Yeah? - Yeah! Can I come in?
#84
⇓
Yeah.
#85
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Come on, man. I need to talk to you guys. Go. Move. Go.
#86
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Go. Come on.
#87
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I'm not gonna walk in front of you! Go.
#88
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- Just come in. - No, you go first,
#89
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and I will follow you. - Shut the door.
#90
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I will shut the door.
#91
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- Whoa. That was really weird. - Yeah.
#92
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Well, this confirms it. He definitely got molested.
#93
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Ugh. We gotta get in there.
#94
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- Get... We gotta get in there? - Yes.
#95
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You can't just thrust yourself in the position of caregiver like that.
#96
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"Caregiver"? Why are you throwing around big words?
#97
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- I actually majored in psych, so... - You failed all your classes.
#98
⇓
I had a minor, and I passed all mine. So I can...
#99
⇓
Okay. Well, you know what? Three-quarters of a major
#100
⇓
s a lot bigger than a whole minor.
#101
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I don't even know how to respond to that.
#102
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- That doesn't surprise me. - Well, it shouldn't,
#103
⇓
because what you said is really dumb, you know.
#104
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- That's a good one. That was good. - Yeah, it is.
#105
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- I liked that one. - I felt good about it.
#106
⇓
(country music playing)
#107
⇓
So, did you want a beverage of some kind?
#108
⇓
- No! Where's your brother? - We just stepped out of the shower.
#109
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- He'll be down in a minute. - All right. Listen,
#110
⇓
you guys can't go... Did you just say, "we"?
#111
⇓
- What? - Did you just say,
#112
⇓
"we just stepped out of the shower"?
#113
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I said, "he".
#114
⇓
Right. Okay. Listen.
#115
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I heard about the Coach Murray thing.
#116
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You guys cannot go to the police and say that he molested you.
#117
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- Why not? - Because he didn't molest you!
#118
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That's true, but he's a dick, and we hated him.
#119
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This is our chance for revenge. You want in?
#120
⇓
- No! RYAN: I think you do.
#121
⇓
- Hello, Charlie. - Hello, Ryan.
#122
⇓
I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news recently,
#123
⇓
but there are millions to be made here, my friend.
#124
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Oh, sure, there's the classic route of priest molestation,
#125
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but we thought we'd mix it up a bit.
#126
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We're going after the whole damn school board.
#127
⇓
If you want in on the team,
#128
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we could probably get a nice class-action suit going.
#129
⇓
(spraying) (scoffs) Okay.
#130
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Okay, first of all, there are people out there
#131
⇓
who actually have been molested.
#132
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And you guys are gonna exploit that for your own personal gain?
#133
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You assholes are securing your place in hell.
#134
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We thought about it. We're willing to roll the dice.
#135
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All right. I won't let you do it. I'm gonna call the cops.
#136
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Oh, no, you won't, Charlie.
#137
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- Oh, yes, I will. - Oh, my friend, I'm afraid not.
#138
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And why not?
#139
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'Cause we'll tell the cops the whole thing was your idea.
#140
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We should tell the cops that that fat dickhead gym teacher
#141
⇓
we had in junior high molested us,
#142
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and just sue the shit out of him! (laughter)
#143
⇓
- I... I was joking. - Really?
#144
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I'm not joking, though. I'm not joking. I'm really not.
#145
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I wouldn't even joke about something like that.
#146
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We should do it. I wanna do it.
#147
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Shit.
#148
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We'd hate to have to put this whole thing on your shoulders. Shit.
#149
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So you're gonna have to keep your mouth shut on this one.
#150
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You don't have to join us, but if anyone asks you point-blank...
#151
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(whispers) Your ass got molested.
#152
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Otherwise, we're talking conspiracy charges.
#153
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And prison can be a bad place for someone like you, Charlie.
#154
⇓
A very bad place.
#155
⇓
(spraying)
#156
⇓
As soon as Charlie comes out, we gotta grab him,
#157
⇓
take him back to the bar, get him liquored up and tell him,
#158
⇓
"we know you got molested." - Gonna have to disagree with you.
#159
⇓
I think we need to ease him into it.
#160
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(door opens) Oh, there he is.
#161
⇓
Okay, you know what? Dr. Gainer used to say that in situations like this,
#162
⇓
you have to see... - Dr. Gainer? That guy was an idiot.
#163
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- He was not. - Yes, he was.
#164
⇓
Talk about molesters. That guy...
#165
⇓
He didn't molest me. I had sex with him 'cause I wanted to.
#166
⇓
- You had sex with Dr. Gainer? - Of course I did.
#167
⇓
- No, you had... Oh! - He was a hot older man.
#168
⇓
- Gross! - Okay. You know what?
#169
⇓
You have no room to talk. All the girls you've molested in your life.
#170
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Don't start throwing that word around like it's meaningless, okay?
#171
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- This is serious. - Fine.
#172
⇓
- Fine. - Great.
#173
⇓
Molester.
#174
⇓
(sighs)
#175
⇓
(doorbell rings)
#176
⇓
(exhales)
#177
⇓
- Hey, Coach Murray! - Yeah?
#178
⇓
It's me, Mac!
#179
⇓
I don't know what this shit is all about. (TV playing)
#180
⇓
One day the cops just roll into my classroom
#181
⇓
and they haul me out of there.
#182
⇓
And they did it right in front of my kids, too.
#183
⇓
- Yeah. Totally. (scoffs) - Molestation?
#184
⇓
I mean, please! I got so much ass back in those days.
#185
⇓
What the hell did I need that kind of shit for, you know?
#186
⇓
Oh, God, man, I hear you. So much ass, it was like... Whew!
#187
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Oh, and you know what, to tell you the truth?
#188
⇓
I don't even remember who these assholes are that are accusing me.
#189
⇓
- Nothing special there, right? - I guess.
#190
⇓
Nothing special. You know, Coach, I've been working out a lot
#191
⇓
since grammar school. - Good for you, son.
#192
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Yeah, it's good for you, right? You know when you get real tight,
#193
⇓
like, right up in here in this area here?
#194
⇓
- You know what I mean? - Yeah.
#195
⇓
No. Not here. Like right in here.
#196
⇓
What are you doing?
#197
⇓
What do you want me to do?
#198
⇓
All right. I... Okay.
#199
⇓
(exhales)
#200
⇓
- Oh! - That's a good shot, bud.
#201
⇓
Hey, tell me something, man. What's been going on with you lately?
#202
⇓
- You just seem... - You know, I'm just distracted.
#203
⇓
Is that why you ran out of the bar the other day?
#204
⇓
No. No. I was... I had some stuff I needed to do.
#205
⇓
- And it just popped in my head. - Yeah, well, that's understandable.
#206
⇓
We've all got things that we have to do.
#207
⇓
Yeah. What you running from, Charlie?
#208
⇓
- What? - Dee, could you grab me a beer?
#209
⇓
- Why don't you grab one yourself? - I'm right in the middle of a game.
#210
⇓
Your game isn't working. Let me play now.
#211
⇓
Let me play the game the way I want to play it.
#212
⇓
DEE: It's dumb, it's not working. - Then we'll play your game.
#213
⇓
DEE: It's not gonna get the results we want. Don't act like a baby!
#214
⇓
DEE: You're playing a game for children, and it's not working.
#215
⇓
- Charlie's not a baby. Charlie! - This is a game...
#216
⇓
Great. Nice. Good job, Dennis. Great.
#217
⇓
How are you gonna put this on me? You messed it up!
#218
⇓
- You messed it up! - We have to push him!
#219
⇓
Push him? You're pushing him away. Now he knows something's up.
#220
⇓
- Good. (door opens) - Good?
#221
⇓
Hey, guys, I have good news!
#222
⇓
I've been reading up on the subject of pedophilia.
#223
⇓
It turns out that it isn't about sex after all.
#224
⇓
It's about power. So, the assailant doesn't go after the one
#225
⇓
he finds most attractive, this guy.
#226
⇓
He goes after the weakest he can find.
#227
⇓
- Wow. That is good news. - Jesus, Mac.
#228
⇓
- What is wrong with you? - No. You're not following.
#229
⇓
If Murray was looking for the weakest he could find,
#230
⇓
t wouldn't have been Charlie. DEE: Why not?
#231
⇓
Because Charlie was a bit of a psychopath. He had this thing
#232
⇓
when he got excited, his face'd turn purple and he'd start biting things.
#233
⇓
I don't think Murray would've put his dick anywhere near him.
#234
⇓
- What about the McPoyle brothers? - Oh, yeah.
#235
⇓
They were prime real estate. I'm sure he went to town on them.
#236
⇓
- What's your point? - Charlie didn't get molested.
#237
⇓
(chuckling) What?
#238
⇓
- Good. I'm sure he didn't. - Oh, boy.
#239
⇓
- I'm sure he didn't. - Yeah.
#240
⇓
Why don't you leave this to the two people that are qualified
#241
⇓
to deal with the situation? - It's cute you did some research
#242
⇓
and got four books, though. DENNIS: Nice work.
#243
⇓
DEE: Yeah, good job. You know what?
#244
⇓
We tried it your little tippy-toe pussy way and that failed miserably.
#245
⇓
So now why don't we try something that will work?
#246
⇓
Look, I just want to say that I think this is a terrible approach.
#247
⇓
Yeah. You know how I already know that? 'Cause you keep saying it.
#248
⇓
Yeah. Well, I keep saying it because... It is.
#249
⇓
I'm sorry you're wrong about stuff all the time.
#250
⇓
I'm sorry you're sorry all the time.
#251
⇓
- What? That doesn't make any sense. - I don't... I don't care.
#252
⇓
- Well, hello, Dennis! DENNIS: Hi, Mrs. Kelly.
#253
⇓
Don't you look so handsome!
#254
⇓
- And, Dee, so beautiful. - Thank you, Mrs. Kelly.
#255
⇓
Listen, I'm sorry we had to stop by like this,
#256
⇓
but we really need to talk to you about something.
#257
⇓
- What? - Well...
#258
⇓
It's about Charlie.
#259
⇓
(bawling)
#260
⇓
Oh, I can't believe this! I just can't believe it! (panting)
#261
⇓
Though... Though I have to admit, it does explain a lot about him.
#262
⇓
Yes, we were thinking the same thing.
#263
⇓
Yes. Oh! Be strong, Bonnie.
#264
⇓
Be strong for your little gingerbread man.
#265
⇓
Now is not the time for an episode. (breathing shakily)
#266
⇓
- Are you okay? - I'm fine! (panting)
#267
⇓
So, what do you need from me?
#268
⇓
- Hello? Ma? MRS. KELLY: In here, Charlie!
#269
⇓
Hey, I got your message. It sounded kinda funny.
#270
⇓
- Come on back, honey. - Is everything all right?
#271
⇓
(music) Hello, Charlie.
#272
⇓
Mom?
#273
⇓
Grandma? Uncle Jack? What's... What's everybody doing here?
#274
⇓
Well, we've all gathered here at the request of your friends.
#275
⇓
- Hey, bud. - Hi, Charlie.
#276
⇓
Hello, Charles.
#277
⇓
I... I don't exactly know how one of these things are supposed to go.
#278
⇓
But we understand that there's been some abuse.
#279
⇓
These two boys have been strong enough to admit what happened,
#280
⇓
and we thank you for that.
#281
⇓
Just hope that that man goes away for a long, long time.
#282
⇓
Yeah. Prison can be a bad place for a guy like that.
#283
⇓
Very bad place.
#284
⇓
Now, we're not exactly sure how this thing is supposed to go.
#285
⇓
But your friends have been helping us out on a couple of key points.
#286
⇓
Now?
#287
⇓
(sniffles)
#288
⇓
Okay, Charlie, show us on the doll.
#289
⇓
Show you what?
#290
⇓
(voice breaking) Where he touched you.
#291
⇓
Oh, yeah.
#292
⇓
(mouthing) Oh, my God.
#293
⇓
Shall I turn it over?
#294
⇓
(softly) Yeah, turn her over.
#295
⇓
Do it.
#296
⇓
Slow. Slow.
#297
⇓
(country music playing)
#298
⇓
I think that went well. You did a wonderful job, Charlie.
#299
⇓
- I really think they bought it. CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Definitely.
#300
⇓
I gotta say, my favorite part was at the end there
#301
⇓
when we were all hugging, and my sister screamed
#302
⇓
and told everyone that I touched her vagina.
#303
⇓
(laughs) Yeah!
#304
⇓
So, Charlie, where to?
#305
⇓
Oh, well, I was thinking we should, uh, zip down to the police station,
#306
⇓
you know, file an official report.
#307
⇓
I mean, I gotta do it sometime, right?
#308
⇓
- That's the spirit. - Let's get it on the books.
#309
⇓
(clears throat) Excuse me. I'd like to speak to a detective, please.
#310
⇓
- Name? - Charlie Kelly.
#311
⇓
- And what is this in reference to? - Sodomy.
#312
⇓
Okay. Uh, take a seat. Someone will be right with you.
#313
⇓
LIAM: You're doing the right thing, Charlie.
#314
⇓
The American school system's been oppressing people for years.
#315
⇓
It's about time we start doing a little oppressing ourselves.
#316
⇓
(sighs) - It doesn't make sense. - Yes, it does.
#317
⇓
How are we oppressing anything? You need to think before you speak.
#318
⇓
- You do. MAN: Charlie Kelly?
#319
⇓
Oh. That's me. Uh, I'll be right back.
#320
⇓
Have a good time.
#321
⇓
Twenty-five million is a lot of clams.
#322
⇓
(door closes) Split it 50-50.
#323
⇓
Charlie's gonna want something. What about Charlie?
#324
⇓
(inaudible) Yeah. He'll want some.
#325
⇓
He's not gonna get some.
#326
⇓
We could always split it 50-50-50. (door opens)
#327
⇓
You even hear what you're saying?
#328
⇓
Your gums are bleeding.
#329
⇓
- Hey, how'd it go? - Great. I just ratted you out.
#330
⇓
Can I see you two boys for a minute, please?
#331
⇓
So you're not gonna get in any trouble at all?
#332
⇓
Uh, no. No, not really. And since the McPoyles are gonna plead guilty,
#333
⇓
- I'm sort off the hook completely. - That's great.
#334
⇓
I'm sorry. Was he saying that the intervention worked?
#335
⇓
No, I don't think that's what he's saying.
#336
⇓
What are you talking about? It was the final push Charlie needed.
#337
⇓
Turns out three-quarters of a major, not so bad after all. Right?
#338
⇓
Oh, and the best part of it, actually, for me now
#339
⇓
s the fact that everybody thinks that I've been molested.
#340
⇓
So, in a way, my life is ruined.
#341
⇓
Uh, in the meantime, I'm gonna go in the back office
#342
⇓
and cry and cry and cry, and drink for a while.
#343
⇓
(door closes)
#344
⇓
Emotional release. Another giant step forward.
#345
⇓
- My God, we're good. Doctor. - Doctor.
#346
⇓
(chuckling) Yeah, yeah.
#347
⇓
I mean, so I just want to apologize again for the other day.
#348
⇓
It's all right, Mac. Don't worry about it.
#349
⇓
- Awkward, right? (chuckles) - You know what?
#350
⇓
You were a good student at school. You got potential.
#351
⇓
Now, just put that in your pocket.
#352
⇓
- Really? You mean that? - I mean that.
#353
⇓
Oh, great, Coach. That's all I really needed to hear.
#354
⇓
- Good. - Oh, that is so great for me.
#355
⇓
Hey, say hi to those folks for me.
#356
⇓
- I will. Thanks. - All right.
#357
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That little prick's goin' to hell.
#358
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