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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S01E06 — The Gang Finds a Dead Guy
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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Season 1, Episode 6 — The Gang Finds a Dead Guy
DEE: You're being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.
#1
⇓
MAC: No, I'm not talking about killing the guy.
#2
⇓
I'm talking about going up there with a group of dudes,
#3
⇓
and intimidate him, maybe break his arm.
#4
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- You can't break Tom Brady's arm. - Yes, I can.
#5
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No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy.
#6
⇓
Let me tell you something with absolute honesty and concern
#7
⇓
for your well-being. Tom Brady would kick your ass.
#8
⇓
- What the hell is that? - Who locked up last night?
#9
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- Charlie. - He needs to pay attention.
#10
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- Who is this? - I don't know. I've never seen him.
#11
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Can you get him out of here? He stinks.
#12
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Let's go. My God. He shit his pants, Dee.
#13
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I don't wanna know that. (Mac groans)
#14
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I'm gonna poke him with this.
#15
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Get up, old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!
#16
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- What's the matter? - He won't wake up.
#17
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Poke him harder in his ribs.
#18
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Wake up, old man. Wake up!
#19
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Holy shit. That bitch is dead.
#20
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This ought to do wonders for business.
#21
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- How could you let this happen? - What? It's not my fault.
#22
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The guy orders a drink, sits down,
#23
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I don't see him again for the rest of the night.
#24
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What are we gonna do about this booth?
#25
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There's piss and shit everywhere. All the death germs.
#26
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Plus, that guy was so old. Old people are gross.
#27
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- I'll get the gasoline. - We're not gonna burn it.
#28
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Come on, dude. You never let me burn anything.
#29
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Maybe we should close to fumigate or something.
#30
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No. We can't do that.
#31
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We can't let anybody know. We'll never live it down.
#32
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Are we gonna serve drinks here today?
#33
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I don't think the board of health will be too keen on that, Mac.
#34
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Do you see any representatives from the board of health here?
#35
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Let's just clean up the mess and act like it never happened.
#36
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- I'm not getting near that booth. - Me neither.
#37
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I can't believe you guys are making me do this.
#38
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I can't believe you left a dead guy in the bar overnight.
#39
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So I guess we're even.
#40
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Charlie, the EMT said he had a heart attack, not Ebola.
#41
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- Do you wanna do this? - No.
#42
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Then don't question my methods.
#43
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Charlie! Stop! Goddamn it.
#44
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We need to isolate the area.
#45
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You're just gonna spread whatever parts of him decomposed overnight.
#46
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- No. - What, are you a scientist, dude?
#47
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- A scientist? - That's science talk.
#48
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DENNIS: Science talk? What the hell is science talk?
#49
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- I'm sorry. We're closed. - No, we're not.
#50
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- How you doing? - I'm looking for the owner.
#51
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- That's me... DENNIS: Actually, I'm the owner.
#52
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- But I could help her out. - I own the place though.
#53
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- Yeah, but we own it together. - No. What can I help you with?
#54
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My name is Rebecca Keane.
#55
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I was notified that my grandfather died here last night.
#56
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I'm so sorry.
#57
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- That's really horrible. - I'm sorry for your loss.
#58
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I just wanted to see where he spent his last night.
#59
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That would be somewhere in this vicinity over here.
#60
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- God... - Are you all right?
#61
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Yeah, I'm okay. I really didn't know him that well actually.
#62
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He didn't have any other family, so the police called me.
#63
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- That's so sad. - Yeah.
#64
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I guess I was a little curious. He's my grandfather.
#65
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And I know nothing about him.
#66
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- Yeah. Well, he was a great man. - Really?
#67
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Yeah, just a very warm and gentle soul, actually.
#68
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So you knew him?
#69
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Yeah, I wouldn't actually say that I knew him all that well.
#70
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- But we did... - I knew him pretty well.
#71
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Yeah, we got pretty close near the end there.
#72
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REBECCA: Wow, really? - I knew him, too. I just meant...
#73
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He didn't know him as well as I did though.
#74
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Well, listen, I should go. I have to get back to work.
#75
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- I just wanted to stop in. - Of course.
#76
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Listen, if you ever wanna stop by,
#77
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I could tell you some stories about your grandfather
#78
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that you would not believe.
#79
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I'll make myself available as well.
#80
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Don't worry about it. Yeah, any time.
#81
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- Okay. Thanks. - Yeah, of course.
#82
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MAC: Bye.
#83
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- What are you doing, dude? - What?
#84
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- You're totally blowing up my spot. - I'm not blowing up your spot.
#85
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You can't just claim the girl for yourself.
#86
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- She's way out of your league. - Out of my league?
#87
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- She's out of your league. - Hey, guys!
#88
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A man died here yesterday. His family just abandoned him.
#89
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Could we think about that for one second?
#90
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Why the hell would we want to think about that?
#91
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Really depressing, Dee.
#92
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It just makes me think about Pop-Pop is all.
#93
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Pop-Pop is an asshole. And I'm placing my bets
#94
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that that girl's grandfather is an asshole, too.
#95
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People don't just abandon their parents for no good reason.
#96
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Dude, have you ever been to a nursing home?
#97
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People abandon their parents all the time.
#98
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It's a sad, throwaway culture we live in.
#99
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(knocking)
#100
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- Hey, Charlie. Can I come in? - Hi. Yeah, sure.
#101
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Thank you.
#102
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Your place is looking good.
#103
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Yeah. I've been doing some rearranging.
#104
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- So you wanna have a seat? - No, I don't.
#105
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Charlie, your... Listen, I wanted to ask you a favor.
#106
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Will you go to the nursing home with me to see my grandfather?
#107
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- Dennis won't go. - Dennis won't go?
#108
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- No, he won't go. I know. - What a jerk.
#109
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And I haven't seen him since I was really little.
#110
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And he's stuck in that nursing home.
#111
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And I don't wanna wait until it's too late and then regret it.
#112
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Why don't you just go by yourself? (sighs)
#113
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I have a little bit of a problem with old people.
#114
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Sounds a little mean, but I find them of creepy and scary.
#115
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And gross. I think they're gross. It's their hands mostly.
#116
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You know, how you can see right through them.
#117
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- Their inside business is... - I'll go with you,
#118
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but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.
#119
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No.
#120
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- Every now and then. - No.
#121
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- One time. And... - All right.
#122
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You have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.
#123
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- No, I don't. - Once a week.
#124
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- Today. Great. - Okay.
#125
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- I can get hot chicks, dude. - Mac, don't embarrass yourself.
#126
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I will always win in these circumstances.
#127
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You will not, dude. She's coming over here to see me.
#128
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She's coming over here to see you because you answered the phone.
#129
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That's just semantics, bro. I have a real shot with this chick.
#130
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You can't beat me here. I will always win in these circumstances.
#131
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I will one-up you. I'm sharper than you.
#132
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- You're not sharper. Shut up. - You shut up.
#133
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- Hi, guys. Is this a bad time? BOTH: Hey.
#134
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No, this is a great time. We were just...
#135
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We were talking about your grandfather.
#136
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Emotions are running very high around here today.
#137
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Yeah, it's been a difficult couple of days for me.
#138
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Yeah, I try not to think about me though
#139
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n circumstances like this. More importantly, how are you?
#140
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CHARLIE: You look like you're gonna pass out.
#141
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I don't think I can do this. I'm not kidding.
#142
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- Come on. You're gonna be fine. - My God. Look at that one.
#143
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Hey. They have ears, all right? Listen to me, Dee.
#144
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The slow and painful crawl to death is an inevitable part of life.
#145
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So just embrace it, all right?
#146
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Wait. It's really creepy in here. What is that very bad smell?
#147
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It's probably urine and maybe some feces.
#148
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17-D, right? This is your Pop-Pop's door.
#149
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Just hold on a second.
#150
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What if he asks us to help him go to the bathroom?
#151
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Are you kidding me? Come on.
#152
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A lot of people lead perfectly normal lives in nursing homes.
#153
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Jesus! He doesn't even look like a real person.
#154
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- Should we go wake him up? - No! I don't know. Let's go.
#155
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No, we can't go. We came all the way down here.
#156
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Let's just... (coughing)
#157
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(wheezing) I need some air.
#158
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What? No. Do not leave me here alone, cause I can't...
#159
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Dennis...
#160
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- Dennis... - This is awkward. I'm not...
#161
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Dennis, come here. I've been waiting.
#162
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A long time for this moment, Dennis.
#163
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- Okay. You have? - Yeah.
#164
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My only grandson finally come to see me. Come close.
#165
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My eyesight's not so good.
#166
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You're lot shorter than I thought you'd wind up.
#167
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Yeah, well, I'm actually still growing, so...
#168
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- You want some candy? - No, I'm good. Thanks.
#169
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- Eat the damn candy! - Okay. Candy.
#170
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(chuckling)
#171
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These people in here... They've stolen everything from me.
#172
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- They have? - What do you expect from Jews?
#173
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(scoffs) Jews...
#174
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Maybe I should go and check on Dee, because...
#175
⇓
No, leave her be. I'm sure she'll be fine.
#176
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(screaming)
#177
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I'm an old man. And as you can see, I don't have much time left.
#178
⇓
- I need your help. - No...
#179
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I mean, I'm not very comfortable with that.
#180
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I don't even know which one of these things I would unplug.
#181
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No, you idiot!
#182
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I don't need you to kill me. I need you to help me.
#183
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Okay.
#184
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You probably don't know this
#185
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because that bastard father of yours didn't tell you,
#186
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but I was a war hero. - Really?
#187
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I wanna be buried in my uniform.
#188
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And I don't trust any of these kikes in here
#189
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to take care of that.
#190
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All the belongings from that part of my life are in a box
#191
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at the Roxborough Storage Facility.
#192
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I need you to pick it up and bring it here.
#193
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Okay, sure. Yeah, I could do that.
#194
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And I need you to keep it as a secret between you and me.
#195
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Okay.
#196
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So listen, I have a favor to ask you guys.
#197
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That's cool. Anything, yeah.
#198
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You can talk to me, 'cause I get things done, so...
#199
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I'm in charge of putting together a memorial service for him,
#200
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but I can't seem to find anyone else who really knew him that well.
#201
⇓
Yeah. That might be difficult to do, actually.
#202
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It's not gonna be a problem. I knew a lot of his friends.
#203
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Yeah, Den. But it might be hard to find friends.
#204
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- It's not gonna be hard for me. - That would be so amazing.
#205
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- Would you like another drink? - No, we're fine.
#206
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(knocking)
#207
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- I need your car. - I wasn't serious about that.
#208
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- No. Go get it. You promised. - Fine.
#209
⇓
- Where you going? - Going back to see Pop-Pop.
#210
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What are you talking about? You're going without me?
#211
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You can't do that. He's my Pop-Pop.
#212
⇓
I'm the one who's supposed to feel better about myself.
#213
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- I'm going with you. - You can't actually,
#214
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because it's just supposed to be me and him.
#215
⇓
- But I wanna see my Pop-Pop. - Take the bus.
#216
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Jesus, Dennis. This is just goddamn shady.
#217
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If you wanna back out now, be my guest.
#218
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I'd be happy to take all the credit for this. I'm not backing down.
#219
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All right. Hey, pal.
#220
⇓
- Would you like to make 20 bucks? - Sure.
#221
⇓
Got some nicer clothes?
#222
⇓
Right.
#223
⇓
Holy shit.
#224
⇓
Okay, guys. Have fun. Mingle.
#225
⇓
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Rebecca.
#226
⇓
I see you brought some of my grandfather's friends.
#227
⇓
He loved those guys.
#228
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So I was wondering if maybe you guys could say something.
#229
⇓
Maybe tell a funny story about him or something.
#230
⇓
Yeah. No, absolutely. I've got something prepared.
#231
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If that's okay. Mac, did you prepare... No.
#232
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Sorry. I totally forgot. He's a terrible public speaker.
#233
⇓
He gets really flustered and he clams up
#234
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and his third-grade stutter comes back.
#235
⇓
(cell phone rings) It's adorable. Is that your phone?
#236
⇓
Yeah.
#237
⇓
- Gonna answer that? - I don't wanna be rude.
#238
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The ringer's going off in the middle of a funeral.
#239
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It's got to be pretty important, right?
#240
⇓
Excuse me.
#241
⇓
Charlie, what do you want?
#242
⇓
I can't, dude. I'm in the middle of something.
#244
⇓
- It's an emergency! - Fine.
#246
⇓
- I got to go. It's an emergency. - You got to leave? That's a shame.
#247
⇓
- So can I borrow your car, or what? - You've been drinking.
#248
⇓
(scoffs)
#249
⇓
He's a good guy. He's just... Got a bit of a drinking problem.
#250
⇓
CHARLIE: Who is it? - It's Mac. This better be good.
#251
⇓
Holy shit!
#252
⇓
- This is unbelievable! CHARLIE: I know that!
#253
⇓
There are so many medals in there! This guy was probably king Nazi.
#254
⇓
- How is this even possible? - It's possible.
#255
⇓
They came on boats or whatever, but they're here.
#256
⇓
Hold on. This could just be collector's crap.
#257
⇓
No. Look at that! (Mac laughs)
#258
⇓
- He looks exactly like Dennis. - I know.
#259
⇓
So here's the deal.
#260
⇓
He wants me to take all this shit to him
#261
⇓
so he can be buried in it or something.
#262
⇓
Buried in it? Screw that old bitch. He's a Nazi.
#263
⇓
Let him die and burn in hell. Let's sell this shit on eBay.
#264
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No, I thought about that though. I think it's Illegal.
#265
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Or maybe a little bit immoral.
#266
⇓
- We could sell it to a museum. - I could live with that.
#267
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Lionel Keane.
#268
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(chuckles)
#269
⇓
As we all know, Lionel could be a bit of a curmudgeon.
#270
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But he had the heart of a lion.
#271
⇓
I'll tell you a story about him.
#272
⇓
It was Christmas Eve last year and...
#273
⇓
... I was at Lionel's house, making him dinner.
#274
⇓
And we got to talking about the spirit of giving.
#275
⇓
And I said, "Lionel, why are we just talking about it?
#276
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"Let's put the spirit into action. Let's go down to the mission."
#277
⇓
Lionel said, "Great. That's a great idea, Dennis."
#278
⇓
So we did, we went down there.
#279
⇓
And not only did we feed every last poor, miserable, precious soul,
#280
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but we washed the feet of every man, woman and child there.
#281
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In the spirit of Christ.
#282
⇓
And that was Lionel. Lionel Keane.
#283
⇓
Lionel the lion.
#284
⇓
- Sorry to keep you waiting. - Not a problem at all.
#285
⇓
- How can I help you? - We're going to make your day.
#286
⇓
Is that right?
#287
⇓
We've gotten our hands on a little something
#288
⇓
that we like to think is an important part of human history
#289
⇓
and needs to be in this museum.
#290
⇓
Mac, if you will.
#291
⇓
What in the hell is that?
#292
⇓
This, my friend, is an authentic Nazi officer's uniform circa 1942.
#293
⇓
Notice the stitching and fine attention to detail.
#294
⇓
Where did you get this?
#295
⇓
Let's just say it found its way to us and leave it at that.
#296
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Okay. I find this offensive for so many reasons.
#297
⇓
I'm guessing you acquired this through illegal means.
#298
⇓
For me to take this from you would be an extension of that.
#299
⇓
And secondly, that you would expect it would "make my day"
#300
⇓
assumes that I'm interested in profiting
#301
⇓
off the murder of millions of innocent people.
#302
⇓
- How much will you give us for it? - Nothing.
#303
⇓
Nothing, or...
#304
⇓
I plan to call the police the minute you guys leave my office.
#305
⇓
- Hey, Pop-Pop. - Deandra?
#306
⇓
What are you doing here? Where's Dennis?
#307
⇓
I just came by myself.
#308
⇓
Well, do you know where Dennis is?
#309
⇓
He was supposed to be here hours ago.
#310
⇓
No. Pop-Pop, it's just me.
#311
⇓
I thought that you and I could spend some time together,
#312
⇓
so I brought a couple books that I could read to you.
#313
⇓
Okay, fine. Come here and sit down.
#314
⇓
Yeah.
#315
⇓
(clears throat) No.
#316
⇓
Why don't you come closer so I can get a good look at you?
#317
⇓
- Come here. - Okay, that's fine.
#318
⇓
- Sure. - Good idea.
#319
⇓
Come here. A little closer. Come here.
#320
⇓
Come on.
#321
⇓
Now I remember how beautiful you are.
#322
⇓
And look at these wrinkled old hands against your young face.
#323
⇓
And these teeth. Look how straight and white.
#324
⇓
(coughing) Is there a bathroom around here?
#325
⇓
Yeah. Right down the hall.
#326
⇓
(vomits)
#327
⇓
CHARLIE: We're doing the right thing here, man.
#328
⇓
But it just seems like a waste of a perfectly good Nazi uniform.
#329
⇓
No. If we sell it, we run the risk of going to jail.
#330
⇓
And if we keep it, we don't get anything,
#331
⇓
so we may as well burn it. - That's true.
#332
⇓
- It is always fun to burn things. - Yeah, it is.
#333
⇓
And we probably shouldn't let Dennis know about his grandfather anyway.
#334
⇓
It might just screw with his head.
#335
⇓
- Yeah, get it going. - All right. Get on.
#336
⇓
(laughs)
#338
⇓
- So it's all in there, right? - Yeah.
#339
⇓
- You didn't keep anything, or... - No. Did you?
#340
⇓
(scoffs) - No, dude. - Okay.
#341
⇓
- Hey, guys. - Hey, bro.
#342
⇓
What's up? What you burning?
#343
⇓
- Burning some trash. - Awesome.
#344
⇓
You wanna hear what happened with that girl?
#345
⇓
- No. No, I don't, dude. - No?
#346
⇓
- No. - Come on.
#347
⇓
- No, I don't care. - Yeah, you do. Of course you care.
#348
⇓
- I don't wanna hear it! - Yeah, you do.
#349
⇓
You know what, bro? I'm sorry. You win. Okay?
#350
⇓
I give up. You won. You're the better man.
#351
⇓
No, you don't give up. See, I won fair and square.
#352
⇓
We went head-to-head, and I came out the better man,
#353
⇓
just as I predicted I would.
#354
⇓
So we went back to her house, and we made sweet, passionate love.
#355
⇓
- Great. - Yeah.
#356
⇓
Great for you. You must be really proud of yourself.
#357
⇓
Awesome. Your grandfather's a Nazi.
#358
⇓
But let me ask you a couple questions.
#360
⇓
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