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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S01E05 — Gun Fever
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Season 1, Episode 5 — Gun Fever
MAC: You're such a dildo, dude. DENNIS: Thanks, dude.
#1
⇓
That's a good way to start the day.
#2
⇓
Is that soy veggie health drink
#3
⇓
supposed to erase the damage you did to your liver last night?
#4
⇓
Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with?
#5
⇓
Come on. You don't have to be so judgmental.
#6
⇓
- She was gross, dude. - She wasn't that gross.
#7
⇓
Maybe if you lowered your standards a bit, you'd get laid more.
#8
⇓
- Give me a sip of this. - No!
#9
⇓
I just wanna try it.
#10
⇓
You do not get to taste my delicious healthy drink
#11
⇓
after making fun of it. - Why not? Just give it to me.
#12
⇓
'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had.
#13
⇓
She doesn't have any diseases!
#14
⇓
- Dude, she was really gross. DEE: Guys!
#15
⇓
- We got a real serious problem. - There's been a B&E, dude.
#16
⇓
ALL: A what? - A B&E, dude!
#17
⇓
- A B&E? - What does that mean?
#18
⇓
Somebody broke into the bar and stole our safe.
#19
⇓
- Breaking and entering. B&E. - What? No...
#20
⇓
- Are you serious? - My God!
#21
⇓
- When did this happen? - Last night, I guess.
#22
⇓
We just walked in this morning and found it like that.
#23
⇓
- Who locked up last night? - I did. The locks weren't broken.
#24
⇓
So somebody just waltzed in here and stole the safe?
#25
⇓
- Yeah, but it's not my fault. - How is it not your fault?
#26
⇓
- Well, it's somebody's fault. DEE: I know it's somebody's fault!
#27
⇓
- Well, it's somebody's fault! DEE: I know that!
#28
⇓
Guys! We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other.
#29
⇓
- We need to be rational. - All right.
#30
⇓
- It's clear what needs to happen. - What?
#31
⇓
We need to buy a gun.
#32
⇓
So what do you think?
#33
⇓
I think next time you boys ought to get the kind of safe
#34
⇓
that a relatively small man can't just carry away.
#35
⇓
But there's been a string of these robberies all over the area.
#36
⇓
- You don't have any leads or... - Not really.
#37
⇓
Not really. What in the hell does that even mean?
#38
⇓
How could there not be any leads? The guy must have left something.
#39
⇓
- People are working on it. - Hey, you guys.
#40
⇓
They're pretty sure it's the same guy
#41
⇓
who's been hitting all the bars around here.
#42
⇓
- We know, Charlie. - So we're done here, Harris.
#43
⇓
- What? So that's it? - Yeah.
#44
⇓
We'll call you if we come up with anything.
#45
⇓
- Well, thanks. - Yeah, thanks.
#46
⇓
Let's go get that gun.
#47
⇓
- No. Guns are not a good idea. - What?
#48
⇓
They're dangerous. Someone's gonna get hurt.
#49
⇓
- Yeah. Mac, no guns. - Guys, somebody stole our safe.
#50
⇓
Am I crazy? We need to be able to protect ourselves
#51
⇓
n case something like this happens again.
#52
⇓
Clearly, Philly's finest don't give a shit.
#53
⇓
Mac is absolutely right. What if one of us was here when it happened?
#54
⇓
- We would have been killed. - Come on. You don't know that.
#55
⇓
CHARLIE: Well... DEE: Come on.
#56
⇓
- Hey, babe. - Hey, Colin.
#57
⇓
- Was that law enforcement? - Yeah.
#58
⇓
- Is everything all right? - No. We got robbed last night.
#59
⇓
Shit! Are you kidding me? What happened?
#60
⇓
Remember the other day when you were making fun of us
#61
⇓
for having such a tiny safe? - That really sucks, guys.
#62
⇓
We have reservations at Guajino's at 12:00, and...
#63
⇓
- Yep. Just about... - Guys, it's a travesty. I'm sorry.
#64
⇓
(whispering) No guns.
#65
⇓
Dude, your sister has the worst taste in men.
#66
⇓
No shit. I hate that guy. He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype.
#67
⇓
- Plus, he's a total player. - What do you mean?
#68
⇓
You don't know about this? My God!
#69
⇓
That guy's dated every hot bartender in town.
#70
⇓
I saw him a week ago with Wendy from Dirty Frank's.
#71
⇓
- Hand down the back of her pants. - Gross.
#72
⇓
- Very gross. - Whatever, dude. Charlie, close up.
#73
⇓
Dennis, let's go get us a gun.
#74
⇓
Do you really think they're gonna buy one?
#75
⇓
No. I mean, I told them not to,
#76
⇓
but Mac gets a boner every single time he thinks about a gun.
#77
⇓
- I think it's a great idea. - I'm sorry?
#78
⇓
I think it's really smart.
#79
⇓
Owning and knowing how to properly use a firearm
#80
⇓
s an important part of what makes this country great.
#81
⇓
Well, that's what I was trying to tell them...
#82
⇓
- To tell you the truth... - What?
#83
⇓
There's nothing sexier than when you're firing a gun.
#84
⇓
Actually, it really turns me on.
#85
⇓
That's exactly why I want you to teach me how to use one, sexy.
#86
⇓
- It would be my pleasure. - I think the pleasure is mine.
#87
⇓
You've got a poppy seed in your teeth.
#88
⇓
- Get it? - It's a big one.
#89
⇓
You might wanna go to the bathroom.
#90
⇓
CHARLIE: Yeah! Calm down! All right!
#91
⇓
- Hwang... You're just in time. - Charlie, my rent.
#92
⇓
- Okay, listen. - No! I cannot wait anymore!
#93
⇓
Don't come over here and just start yelling at me!
#94
⇓
(shouting indistinctly) Hwang... Wait!
#95
⇓
Let me go get something, and I'll fix it.
#96
⇓
All right, hurry up. Hurry up!
#97
⇓
I can't wait too long! Hwang not patient!
#98
⇓
- You getting my money? - Do you want a rice krispie treat?
#99
⇓
- $854 you owe me! - I realize how much money it is!
#100
⇓
I'm not gonna take it no more! I placed a couple bad investments!
#101
⇓
(shouting continues) (shouting) Hwang!
#102
⇓
I placed a couple of bad investments.
#103
⇓
- It could happen to anyone, right? - Okay.
#104
⇓
I'm going to get your...
#105
⇓
Goddamn money by the end of the month, okay?
#106
⇓
I come back tomorrow. I want my goddamn money!
#107
⇓
- Yeah, tomorrow. - I want my money!
#108
⇓
(indistinct shouting)
#109
⇓
Dickhead!
#110
⇓
We're gonna be very careful about this, right?
#111
⇓
We'll stash it right here just in case we need it.
#112
⇓
Until then, we don't go near it.
#113
⇓
Hopefully, we never have to pick it up again.
#114
⇓
Hopefully.
#115
⇓
- You wanna shoot it? - Yes.
#116
⇓
- Yeah! - Yes!
#117
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How do you like me now, log? You totally killed that log, dude.
#118
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I totally killed it. I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff.
#119
⇓
- You're a really good shot, Dennis. - Thanks, bro.
#120
⇓
- You're pretty good, too, hoss. - You hit the log a bunch of times.
#121
⇓
If that log was trying to rob the place, you would have killed it.
#122
⇓
- I would have killed it! - You totally would have killed it.
#123
⇓
- You wanna shoot it some more? - Yeah!
#124
⇓
- Can I load it up though? - Absolutely! You like the sound.
#125
⇓
- I like the sound of the clip. - Hey!
#126
⇓
- What the hell are you guys doing? - Charlie, check it out.
#127
⇓
- No... - Check it out.
#128
⇓
- That's not fun! That's not a toy. - Come on, Charlie.
#129
⇓
I'm serious, man. You shouldn't be playing around with guns.
#130
⇓
First, we need to open the bar. We got robbed.
#131
⇓
Hwang is all over my ass because of rent.
#132
⇓
- You wanna hold it? - No.
#133
⇓
- Come on, Charlie. Just hold it. - I wanna open the bar.
#134
⇓
- Charlie, hold it for a little bit. - No, I don't wanna hold it.
#135
⇓
Give me the gun. Fine. Yes. I'll hold the gun. Good. Nice.
#136
⇓
Really nice feel to it. That's really good.
#137
⇓
- Is this thing loaded? - It can be.
#138
⇓
- That's my boy! - That's amazing!
#139
⇓
- Yeah. Can you feel it? - You bet I can feel it!
#140
⇓
- Describe what you feel. - I feel like... I feel focused.
#141
⇓
I feel badass and just badass, you know?
#142
⇓
- I think he's got it, Mac. - Yes, he does.
#143
⇓
- Got what? - My boy, you've got the gun fever.
#144
⇓
That's what I'm talking about.
#145
⇓
- You seeing this? - Yeah.
#146
⇓
- That is sexy. - Yep, totally.
#147
⇓
- You feeling sexy? - I don't know.
#148
⇓
It's all right to be nervous. Everyone's nervous their first time.
#149
⇓
But I promise you, once you put your hand around this,
#150
⇓
you are gonna love it.
#151
⇓
Actually, I've got something I think you'll love.
#152
⇓
I'd rather watch you shoot the gun here.
#153
⇓
- What if I... Okay. - Just shoot the gun, Dee.
#154
⇓
Why would I not be serious?
#155
⇓
All right. Thanks, Detective.
#156
⇓
- Nothing? - No, nothing.
#157
⇓
I don't think they're taking this seriously on any level, dude.
#158
⇓
Of course they're not, dude. This is what I'm talking about.
#159
⇓
These cops don't give a shit about us.
#160
⇓
I think it's time we took matters into our own hands.
#161
⇓
How?
#162
⇓
Maybe we should do a little investigating of our own.
#163
⇓
Do some snooping around, try to crack the case.
#164
⇓
- We got the gun. - That's true.
#165
⇓
- Wanna go shoot it some more? - Yes!
#166
⇓
Let's do that.
#167
⇓
- What the hell? - What?
#168
⇓
- Dude, the gun's not here. - Holy shit!
#169
⇓
Look!
#170
⇓
- Charlie? - Charlie.
#171
⇓
Yeah, I got the gun.
#172
⇓
- Yeah, I know. I just... - You just what?
#174
⇓
I just needed it.
#175
⇓
- Is this the gun fever talking? - No.
#176
⇓
I don't have the gun fever, man. Look, I'm coming in to work later.
#177
⇓
- I'll bring it with me. - I don't like the sound of this.
#178
⇓
(pounding on door) I gotta go. I'll see you guys at the bar.
#179
⇓
He hung up.
#180
⇓
(pounding continues) All right! I'm coming! Dammit!
#181
⇓
Hang on a second there. (pounding continues)
#182
⇓
- Hey, Hwang. - So you got my money now?
#183
⇓
I got some rice krispie treats in the fridge. You want some more?
#184
⇓
(chuckles)
#185
⇓
Charlie, I don't like you. I never liked you.
#186
⇓
So just give me my money, or Hwang will be forced to...
#187
⇓
(sighs) I'm sorry. Forced to...
#188
⇓
What you doing? What's that?
#189
⇓
So, listen, Hwang.
#190
⇓
Let me talk to you about your money for a second.
#191
⇓
I don't have it right now. I just don't have it.
#192
⇓
But I'm gonna get it, because I have my ways.
#193
⇓
Do you know what I mean when I say I have my ways?
#194
⇓
What is that? Is that a yes?
#195
⇓
(laughs) Hwang... Sometimes I can't understand you.
#196
⇓
You're talking, but I don't understand you.
#197
⇓
So say yes if you know what I mean when I say I have my ways.
#198
⇓
- Yes. - Good boy. Get lost.
#199
⇓
(whistling) (trilling)
#200
⇓
(shudders) (gags)
#201
⇓
So we got the binoculars. We got the ziplock baggies.
#202
⇓
We got the maglite.
#203
⇓
I think as soon as Charlie gets here with the gun, we're all set.
#204
⇓
This is great, dude. We're like the Hardy Boys.
#205
⇓
- Okay. - So I'll be Frank. You be Joe.
#206
⇓
'Cause Frank was kind of the leader, and that makes a little more sense.
#207
⇓
- Didn't Frank have the blond hair? - Yeah, but...
#208
⇓
So I should be Frank 'cause I have lighter...
#209
⇓
The hair color doesn't matter. It's about who's making the plans.
#210
⇓
If we're gonna play Frank and Joe Hardy...
#211
⇓
But I'm the leader clearly in this partnership!
#212
⇓
- Why are we talking about this? - We have a lot of work to do.
#213
⇓
- What's the first step? - I'm the leader. Great. Let's roll.
#214
⇓
Wait, no. We can't go. What are you doing?
#215
⇓
We gotta open up the bar.
#216
⇓
Or we could call your sister to do her job,
#217
⇓
that is, if she's not having sex with Colin
#218
⇓
and every other bartender in Philadelphia.
#219
⇓
- Don't do that. It's gross. - We need to jump on this.
#220
⇓
- Let's go do some investigating. - All right.
#221
⇓
- Wait a second. - What?
#222
⇓
Holy shit! I know who stole our safe.
#223
⇓
- You do? - Yeah. Let's go get that gun.
#224
⇓
Yeah, let's get the gun. Wait. Bag...
#225
⇓
- I'm driving. - Okay. No, I'm driving.
#226
⇓
I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid.
#227
⇓
Whatever Charlie's doing now, it's probably pretty stupid.
#228
⇓
Let's just hope nobody got hurt.
#229
⇓
- Yo. - Hey, dude.
#230
⇓
- Hey, guys. - Can we get that gun?
#231
⇓
Oh. Why?
#232
⇓
First of all, we shouldn't have to tell you why.
#233
⇓
We bought it. It's ours. But if you must know,
#234
⇓
t's because we know who knocked over the bar.
#235
⇓
- Really? - Yeah.
#236
⇓
- Can we get the gun? - Why?
#237
⇓
Because we know who... You know what, dude? Move.
#238
⇓
This place is a shit-hole, Charlie. It smells.
#239
⇓
So, don't you wanna know who did it?
#240
⇓
- Yeah. Who was it? - Colin.
#241
⇓
Yeah. Think about it. It all makes sense.
#242
⇓
Colin goes around town with every hot bartender chick, right?
#243
⇓
He woos them with his charm and his good looks.
#244
⇓
He finds out where the safes are. He finds out how to get in.
#245
⇓
You remember when Sweet Dee said that he was laughing
#246
⇓
about how small the safe was?
#247
⇓
You saw how quickly he changed the subject
#248
⇓
when she brought that safe up. - Right. So what's the plan?
#249
⇓
I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants.
#250
⇓
I know that game. (chuckles)
#251
⇓
- So why don't you go get it? - Go get the gun!
#252
⇓
All right. Here. Do you want it? (sighs)
#253
⇓
Hey, Dee. Are you with Colin right now?
#254
⇓
No. He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar?
#255
⇓
Okay.
#256
⇓
Why don't you take the night off? You deserve it.
#257
⇓
You're welcome. Bye.
#258
⇓
- You ready? - Ready, Freddy.
#259
⇓
It goes... Stick it back in...
#260
⇓
DENNIS: What a penis! - Like you wouldn't do such a thing?
#261
⇓
- Come on. Let's nail this prick. - Wait. Hold on a second.
#262
⇓
- Didn't Fingers already get robbed? - Yeah.
#263
⇓
So what's this guy doing, going in for round two?
#264
⇓
- I don't know. Can we do this? - Wait. Hold on.
#265
⇓
Do you think he'd be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?
#266
⇓
- Yeah, I do. - Me, too.
#267
⇓
All right, change of plans. Leave the gun.
#268
⇓
I'm gonna get this asshole to hit Paddy's again.
#269
⇓
Follow my lead. I'm the leader.
#270
⇓
- Hey, Colin! - Colin!
#271
⇓
- What are you doing here? - Hey, fellas.
#272
⇓
- Didn't expect to see you here. - Yeah. Actually, I was leaving.
#273
⇓
- Leaving? - Having a little drink?
#274
⇓
- Couple drinks? - Yeah. Just a little drink.
#275
⇓
What's up, man? You seem like the cat who ate the canary.
#276
⇓
(nervous chuckle) No, I didn't expect to see you guys here.
#277
⇓
- Why? - I thought you'd be at Paddy's.
#278
⇓
Paddy's, no. We actually closed up shop for the night.
#279
⇓
Yeah. Thought we'd get wasted here instead.
#280
⇓
Just a little freaked out about the robbery.
#281
⇓
But, actually, funny story.
#282
⇓
Turns out the dickhead didn't actually get all of our money.
#283
⇓
We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe.
#284
⇓
So the stupid asshole didn't even think to look there, right?
#285
⇓
- What a cock! - What an idiot!
#286
⇓
- What a total idiot, right? - Boner, really.
#287
⇓
- Schmuck. - Stupid idiot.
#288
⇓
Yeah, so as soon as we get some new locks, we should be all set.
#289
⇓
So we're just probably gonna hop in here...
#290
⇓
- Grab a couple drinks here tonight. - Yeah, get wasted. Pass out.
#291
⇓
Or walk home with a couple of hot waitresses.
#292
⇓
- Right, Colin? - Yeah, totally. Yeah.
#293
⇓
All right, don't wanna keep you. We'll see you later.
#294
⇓
- You look spiffy, bro. - Yeah, you look good.
#295
⇓
- Maybe you guys should get a gun. - What?
#296
⇓
Dee was saying that you were thinking about getting a gun.
#297
⇓
I think it's a good idea. Good protection. I...
#298
⇓
I keep one on me all the time.
#299
⇓
I don't know. Think about it.
#300
⇓
- Absolutely. - Enjoy your drinky.
#301
⇓
We will. See you later. Have a good night, bro.
#302
⇓
- He's got a gun at all times. - From now on, so will we.
#303
⇓
Dude, you just laid it on way too thick back there.
#304
⇓
There's no way he's gonna hit Paddy's again tonight.
#305
⇓
- He'd have to be a moron. - He is a moron. He'll be there.
#306
⇓
Hey, Dee. Yeah, listen. There's a change of plans.
#307
⇓
I need you to meet us at Paddy's tonight after all.
#308
⇓
Something you need to see.
#309
⇓
- Why did you bring me into this? - You'll see.
#310
⇓
Did you turn off the circuit breaker?
#311
⇓
We're all set. Check.
#312
⇓
(cocking gun) What the hell was that?
#313
⇓
- Did you just cock back the hammer? - No.
#314
⇓
- You guys have a gun? - We're not shooting anybody.
#315
⇓
- I know. - You're not shooting anyone!
#316
⇓
- I don't want to shoot anyone! - You better not shoot anybody.
#317
⇓
- I don't have... - I should be holding the gun.
#318
⇓
- I put this whole thing together. - I shot the log way more times!
#319
⇓
- This is so bad. - I'm the one who has better aim!
#320
⇓
(door opening) What? Is he here?
#321
⇓
There he is. Okay. What's he doing?
#322
⇓
He's walking toward the cash register.
#323
⇓
- He looks shady. - Yeah. That's him.
#324
⇓
(tapping keys on register) That's it. Do the flashlight.
#325
⇓
(flashlight drops) Turn the flashlight on!
#326
⇓
- I can't reach it! - No! He's getting away!
#327
⇓
- Shoot him! - What?
#328
⇓
- Shoot him in his face! - Shit!
#329
⇓
(shouting) Shit!
#330
⇓
- Did you get him? CHARLIE: I'm shot!
#331
⇓
- Charlie? My God! MAC: My God!
#332
⇓
Turn on the circuit breaker!
#333
⇓
- Did you shoot me, Dennis? - No, I...
#334
⇓
- Why did you shoot me? - My God! Dude, are you okay?
#335
⇓
- Where are you shot? - In my head!
#336
⇓
What? My God! I shot you in your head. I'm so sorry.
#337
⇓
- Is he okay? - No! He shot me in my head!
#338
⇓
- It must have just grazed his head. - You shot him in the head, bro!
#339
⇓
If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead, Mac.
#340
⇓
CHARLIE: It really hurts! I gotta go to a hospital!
#341
⇓
All right, man. I'll call an ambulance.
#342
⇓
The hospital's three blocks away. We should just drive him!
#343
⇓
I know that. But I don't wanna get blood stains all over my car.
#344
⇓
Are you serious? (Charlie shouting)
#345
⇓
All right! I'll take you to a hospital! God!
#346
⇓
Get a trash bag. We'll put it over him.
#347
⇓
- I can't believe you shot Charlie. - Don't start this again!
#348
⇓
- You almost killed our best friend. - You told me to shoot Charlie!
#349
⇓
You guys told me to shoot Charlie.
#350
⇓
The minute the shit hits the fan,
#351
⇓
you guys are, like, "Dennis, don't shoot the gun!"
#352
⇓
You told me to shoot him in the face!
#353
⇓
I didn't say that!
#354
⇓
(arguing continues)
#355
⇓
Hey, there he is. How you feeling, buddy?
#356
⇓
You shot me, dude.
#357
⇓
You were stealing from the bar. It was an honest mistake.
#358
⇓
I still kind of wish you didn't shoot me.
#359
⇓
If you needed help with money, why didn't you talk to us?
#360
⇓
- Yeah, man. - I had it all worked out.
#361
⇓
I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies.
#362
⇓
Then we would collect some insurance money and...
#363
⇓
Wow, dude. That's really just goddamn ridiculous.
#364
⇓
- That is so dumb. - I thought it was the best idea.
#365
⇓
No, it's not at all. But you know what?
#366
⇓
Listen. The important thing is that you are all right.
#367
⇓
We decided we need to get rid of that gun.
#368
⇓
Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
#369
⇓
You could've been killed. Dennis could've killed you.
#370
⇓
Good. Yes. I think that would be for the best.
#371
⇓
- Dee, could you get me a nurse? - Yeah, sure.
#372
⇓
Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
#373
⇓
- No way! - Never.
#374
⇓
Sweet.
#375
⇓
No, he's fine. It turns out it just kind of grazed his head.
#376
⇓
COLIN: That's great news, babe.
#377
⇓
Thank you so much for calling. You are so sweet, Colin.
#378
⇓
I guess I'm just a sweet guy.
#379
⇓
- Well, I'll see you tomorrow? - You will.
#380
⇓
- Okay. Good night. - Dream of me.
#381
⇓
Idiots.
#382
⇓
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