Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S01E04 — Charlie Has Cancer

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 1, Episode 4 — Charlie Has Cancer

(knock on door) Yo, Charlie! It's Dennis.

#1

⇓

- Hey. - Hey, dude.

#2

⇓

What's up, buddy?

#3

⇓

Hey, your face looks, like, poofy.

#4

⇓

Uh, uh, yeah, I've been crying a little bit.

#5

⇓

Huh? I'm sorry.

#6

⇓

Hey, do you have that basketball?

#7

⇓

Mac and I were about to go play in the park. I think you...

#8

⇓

- Uh, yeah. I might. Come on in. - Yeah? Okay.

#9

⇓

(exhales)

#10

⇓

Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like shit.

#11

⇓

Oh. (chuckles) Yeah.

#12

⇓

What's wrong? You look, uh, hungover or something.

#13

⇓

No. Yeah, it's... I found out I might have cancer, so, ooh.

#14

⇓

What?

#15

⇓

Yeah, I found out I might have cancer. That's why I haven't...

#16

⇓

... been down to the bar recently. And, uh... (sighs)

#17

⇓

Jesus, dude. I don't know what to say.

#18

⇓

Don't say anything. Check these pamphlets out. They go over...

#19

⇓

... cancer, cancer-related issues.

#20

⇓

It feels actually pretty good to get this off my chest, you know?

#21

⇓

I've been sittin' in here, boo-hooin' a little bit, so...

#22

⇓

I mean, I'm glad we can talk. We can talk, right?

#23

⇓

Yeah. Of course. Yeah, talk. We can always talk.

#24

⇓

It starts out I'm not feeling good. I'm havin' headaches...

#25

⇓

Uh, did you want to talk, like, right now?

#26

⇓

I was thinking we could talk right now.

#27

⇓

Well, it's not really a good time.

#28

⇓

It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car,

#29

⇓

they're waitin' for me. I told them I'd just...

#30

⇓

... zip in and zip out.

#31

⇓

- Oh, yeah. All right. - I could ask 'em to wait.

#32

⇓

(sighs) Don't do that.

#33

⇓

- I really shouldn't. - Then don't.

#34

⇓

(siren wailing in distance)

#35

⇓

Hey, uh, look, man. Keep... Keep your head up.

#36

⇓

- You're gonna get through this. - Oh, yeah.

#37

⇓

Do me a favor though. Uh, don't tell anybody.

#38

⇓

- I don't want it gettin' around. - Oh, no, no. I won't say anything.

#39

⇓

- Thanks. All right. - Uh... Uh...

#40

⇓

Could I get the... The basketball though?

#41

⇓

It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people,

#42

⇓

and we were supposed to bring that. - Yeah, no. You're... Okay.

#43

⇓

But Charlie's got such great hair. Is he gonna lose all of his hair?

#44

⇓

- Yeah. He probably is. - So what kind of cancer is it?

#45

⇓

- I don't know, man. - When does he go in for treatment?

#46

⇓

He didn't say. You know, we just stood there for a long time

#47

⇓

and didn't say much, you know?

#48

⇓

And we cried together, and I held him for a while, and that was it.

#49

⇓

- Mmm-hmm. - That is so sad.

#50

⇓

He is gonna look so bad without that hair.

#51

⇓

We gotta do somethin' nice for him. We should go back.

#52

⇓

No, no, no. Actually, you guys, we can't go back.

#53

⇓

He made me promise not to tell anybody.

#54

⇓

When we see him, we're supposed to act like we don't know anything?

#55

⇓

- Yeah. - No, no. That's not right at all.

#56

⇓

We can't just abandon him right now.

#57

⇓

He needs people around him. He shouldn't be alone.

#58

⇓

I learned a lot in theater and psych classes about the human nature...

#59

⇓

Dee, you know what? Nobody cares about the psych or theater training.

#60

⇓

No, no, no. Dee's right. Let's think about this.

#61

⇓

What's the one thing that Charlie never gets?

#62

⇓

- Laid. - Right! We find a girl for Charlie.

#63

⇓

No, not at all what I was saying actually.

#64

⇓

Let's find a girl for Charlie. Someone to be there for him,

#65

⇓

spend time with him, you know, nurture him.

#66

⇓

- Bang him. - Have sex with him, right.

#67

⇓

Great. Dee, you have friends that are desperate enough for this?

#68

⇓

Are you out of your mind? I'm not helping you guys with this.

#69

⇓

Oh, come on. Don't be a pain in the ass.

#70

⇓

I am not be... Speaking of which, anybody want to get up off their ass

#71

⇓

and help me with the boxes?

#72

⇓

The boxes? That's what Charlie does.

#73

⇓

- Well, I can't do it all by myself. - Oh, I'm sorry.

#74

⇓

So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about

#75

⇓

Sweet Dee's feelings all morning. Great.

#76

⇓

Okay, you know what? I love Charlie very much.

#77

⇓

But this is a stupid idea you guys have. So you know what?

#78

⇓

- Whatever! - I am not helping you with it.

#79

⇓

Whatever. You know what, Dennis? We don't need her.

#80

⇓

- We don't need her. - You're right. We don't need her.

#81

⇓

What we'll do is we'll find a girl for Charlie tonight in the bar.

#82

⇓

- Yes. DEE: No, you won't.

#83

⇓

Yes, we will.

#84

⇓

DEE: There are never any girls in this bar.

#85

⇓

DENNIS: God damn it!

#86

⇓

- I told you. - I don't get it, Dee.

#87

⇓

There are tons of women in this city. Where do they go?

#88

⇓

Uh, they're at the velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.

#89

⇓

- Why? - Dennis.

#90

⇓

Our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley.

#91

⇓

- Might as well call it rape bar. - No, no, no.

#92

⇓

The problem's every time a beautiful girl comes into a place like this,

#93

⇓

t's always the biggest asshole that winds up accosting her.

#94

⇓

Carmen, you have the most amazing body.

#95

⇓

- Are you bulimic, or what? - No. I work out, like, every day.

#96

⇓

- Yeah, it shows. - You look like you work out, too.

#97

⇓

Yeah. One would think, actually. But it's pretty much all natural.

#98

⇓

Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours.

#99

⇓

I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem.

#100

⇓

(scoffs) Whatever.

#101

⇓

I found the perfect girl for Charlie.

#102

⇓

- Smart, beautiful, the whole thing. - Where?

#103

⇓

Right there.

#104

⇓

DENNIS: Over by the pool table? - Yeah. Nice.

#105

⇓

- That's great, Mac. - Good work, Mac.

#106

⇓

That's a dude.

#107

⇓

No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans.

#108

⇓

Yeah. That's Eric Wyzotski's cousin. Carmen, right?

#109

⇓

- Yeah. - Yeah, Carmen.

#110

⇓

- Tranny. - Implants?

#111

⇓

- Yeah. Not bad. It's good... - Nice.

#112

⇓

- Are you sure? - Yeah. Look at his jeans, dude.

#113

⇓

There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.

#114

⇓

- There's a dick in those pants. - There's a dick in those pants?

#115

⇓

I'll be right back.

#116

⇓

Excuse me, bro. Can you give me a second? Thanks.

#117

⇓

- Is that a penis in your pants? - Yeah.

#118

⇓

- You lied to me. - No, I didn't.

#119

⇓

You lied to me. You don't work out? Please, I've seen you at the gym.

#120

⇓

- You're ripped. - No. Don't turn this around. Wait.

#121

⇓

- Really? You think so? - Yeah.

#122

⇓

I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know?

#123

⇓

Oh, no. I like it. (chuckles)

#124

⇓

Wow!

#125

⇓

Hmm.

#126

⇓

Well, I gotta get back to work. Um, but...

#127

⇓

I don't know. Maybe I'll give you a call sometime.

#128

⇓

- Okay. - Yeah.

#129

⇓

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

#130

⇓

(honking)

#131

⇓

(soft music playing)

#132

⇓

(coughing)

#133

⇓

- What do you want, Charlie? - I like your bracelet.

#134

⇓

- Great. - That's one of those, uh...

#135

⇓

Lance Armstrong "race for the cure", "live strong" kind of things.

#136

⇓

- Yeah. - Cool. That's very cool.

#137

⇓

You must be a very compassionate person.

#138

⇓

I'm not. Did you want something from me, or...

#139

⇓

What time are you getting off of work?

#140

⇓

It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever.

#141

⇓

Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this.

#142

⇓

But we found the perfect girl for Charlie.

#143

⇓

That's awesome.

#144

⇓

You know the waitress over at the coffee shop,

#145

⇓

the one that he's been in love with forever?

#146

⇓

- Yes. - Well, okay.

#147

⇓

He saw her wearing one of those Lance Armstrong "race for the cure",

#148

⇓

"I love people that are dying of cancer" type bracelets.

#149

⇓

That's really cool.

#150

⇓

Well, so that bracelet probably means

#151

⇓

that she's compassionate towards sick and dying people.

#152

⇓

- That's what that symbolizes. - You know what that symbolizes?

#153

⇓

Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends.

#154

⇓

And you know what the thing that's so rad is?

#155

⇓

They come in all kinds of colors now,

#156

⇓

so you can accessorize your compassion with your outfits.

#157

⇓

- Really cool. - All right. All right.

#158

⇓

Well, be that as it may, we still need you to talk to her,

#159

⇓

because the whole thing sounds so much better coming from a girl.

#160

⇓

You know what? First of all, I don't have time since, apparently,

#161

⇓

I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore.

#162

⇓

And second of all, it's gross!

#163

⇓

I'm sure that there's something that Mac and I can do for you

#164

⇓

that will convince you to help us.

#165

⇓

Sweet Dee is in.

#166

⇓

CHARLIE: Sweet Dee's in what?

#167

⇓

She is in...

#168

⇓

... way over her head.

#169

⇓

- In what? - Debt.

#170

⇓

Huh. I know that game.

#171

⇓

I'm gonna get a beer. You want one?

#172

⇓

- Great. - Uh...

#173

⇓

Yeah.

#174

⇓

- Nice cover, dick. - Thanks.

#175

⇓

- So Sweet Dee's in? - Yeah. Uh, under one condition.

#176

⇓

- What? - She gets to punch you in the face.

#177

⇓

- What? (clicks tongue) - Right in the face.

#178

⇓

- Why? - The Christmas party.

#179

⇓

How about that game against Dallas

#180

⇓

when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries?

#181

⇓

She grabbed me from behind. It was instinctual.

#182

⇓

I know that, man. You don't grab.

#183

⇓

- You don't grab from behind. - Not from behind.

#184

⇓

That sucks, if Sweet Dee's out, we need to find other girl quickly.

#185

⇓

We, uh, you know... (chuckles)

#186

⇓

We kind of need her. We kind of need Sweet Dee.

#187

⇓

You're sayin'...

#188

⇓

Are you talking about letting Sweet Dee punch me in my face?

#189

⇓

Charlie has cancer.

#190

⇓

So you're new here, yeah? Who are you?

#191

⇓

(scoffs) Who am I?

#192

⇓

I'm just a small-town girl...

#193

⇓

Who moved to the big city with big dreams...

#194

⇓

Just to find out...

#195

⇓

... the only way to make it in the big city...

#196

⇓

... is to shake it.

#197

⇓

And that's what I do...

#198

⇓

... at the Coyote Ugly.

#199

⇓

End scene.

#200

⇓

(exhales) Wow.

#201

⇓

- Artemis, that was amazing. - Wow! That really means a lot.

#202

⇓

But you won't be seeing me in class anymore.

#203

⇓

I lost my job at the Wawa.

#204

⇓

I'm sorry. Are you doing another scene? I, I...

#205

⇓

I won't be able to pay my bills!

#206

⇓

I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare!

#207

⇓

What am I gonna do? Oh, my God! Ow.

#208

⇓

(sobbing) Okay.

#209

⇓

#Never gonna give you up

#210

⇓

(singing along with radio) #Never gonna let you down

#211

⇓

#Never gonna run around And hurt you# (cell phone rings)

#212

⇓

- Hello? - Hey, Dennis. It's Dee.

#213

⇓

I was... What are you listening to?

#214

⇓

Uh, Rick Astley. What's up?

#215

⇓

Oh, nothing. Only I just solved all of our problems.

#216

⇓

- Really? - Mmm-hmm.

#217

⇓

Except for Charlie and the whole cancer thing.

#218

⇓

But I did figure out how to get help at the bar.

#219

⇓

- Sweet Dee, we talked about this. - No, no. Just listen.

#220

⇓

I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme.

#221

⇓

You know, where the girls dance on top of the bars.

#222

⇓

- Take their bras off and stuff. - I'm listening.

#223

⇓

Okay, well, I have a friend who would be absolutely perfect for it.

#224

⇓

She'd work for tips only. And she would even come in

#225

⇓

and interview with you, so you could see if you liked her.

#226

⇓

Would she wear the hot pants, tank top, wanna-hump-hump pumps?

#227

⇓

- Oh, yeah. - Do it.

#228

⇓

Okay. Only under one condition.

#229

⇓

I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie.

#230

⇓

- Oh, come on, sis. We need you. - You know what? You gotta choose.

#231

⇓

Charlie's waitress or a hot new bartender?

#232

⇓

- Sweet Dee's out. MAC: What?

#233

⇓

Yeah. She's too busy training this new bartender.

#234

⇓

Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who she...

#235

⇓

DENNIS: Hey. - Hey.

#236

⇓

- Hi. - Carmen.

#237

⇓

Dennis.

#238

⇓

What are you guys, uh, what are you doin'?

#239

⇓

Just watchin' a basketball game.

#240

⇓

Oh.

#241

⇓

- I was just leaving, actually. - Oh, oh, no, no, no.

#242

⇓

You know what? I was gonna leave. (stammers) I mean, you could...

#243

⇓

No, it's okay. I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes.

#244

⇓

- It was nice to see you. - It was good to see you.

#245

⇓

- So I'll see you tonight? - Oh. Mmm-hmm.

#246

⇓

- I'll pick you up at 8:00? - Cool.

#247

⇓

(chuckles) Okay.

#248

⇓

- She's gettin' it removed. - So what?

#249

⇓

I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? So that...

#250

⇓

- Afterwards I'll be... first. - Gross, dude.

#251

⇓

Gross.

#252

⇓

MAC: This is just pathetic. - Yeah.

#253

⇓

- All right. Let's roll. - Wait. Well, what's the plan?

#254

⇓

The plan is that you're gonna distract Charlie, okay?

#255

⇓

I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer.

#256

⇓

All right? She's gonna feel sorry for him.

#257

⇓

- Then she's gonna sleep with him. - That's not gonna work.

#258

⇓

- You can't just do that. - Well, what do you wanna do?

#259

⇓

- Hey, Dennis. - Charlie has cancer.

#260

⇓

- Really? - Yeah.

#261

⇓

- That's so sad. - Yeah.

#262

⇓

Are you okay?

#263

⇓

- Yeah. I'm... I'm all right. - Yeah?

#264

⇓

MAC: You did what?

#265

⇓

I slept with her.

#266

⇓

Charlie's been in love with that girl for months.

#267

⇓

I don't know what happened. I mentioned the cancer thing.

#268

⇓

She instantly started comin' on to me.

#269

⇓

- Really? - Yeah. You were right about that.

#270

⇓

Cancer. Gold mine.

#271

⇓

- What... What are we gonna do? - Don't worry. I got a plan.

#272

⇓

Bam.

#273

⇓

Bam?

#274

⇓

- What's that? - $200.

#275

⇓

Why?

#276

⇓

Well, Dennis was thinking that that might help convince you

#277

⇓

to sleep with our friend Charlie.

#278

⇓

Gross.

#279

⇓

- 250. - Deal.

#280

⇓

Hey, Carmen!

#281

⇓

Hey, yo, Carmen!

#282

⇓

- Hey. - Charlie has cancer.

#283

⇓

Oh, my God!

#284

⇓

You poor baby. I'll be right down.

#285

⇓

#Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

#286

⇓

#Never gonna run around And desert you

#287

⇓

#Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye

#288

⇓

#Never gonna tell a lie And hurt you

#289

⇓

#Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

#290

⇓

#Never gonna run around And desert you

#291

⇓

#Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye

#292

⇓

#Never gonna tell a lie And hurt you

#293

⇓

#Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down

#294

⇓

#Never gonna run around and...#

#295

⇓

(music playing on TV)

#296

⇓

Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please?

#297

⇓

Uh, I slept a little funny on my neck.

#298

⇓

Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this?

#299

⇓

- Um... ARTEMIS: Hello.

#300

⇓

- Can I help you? - I'm Artemis.

#301

⇓

- Okay. - I'm here for the audition.

#302

⇓

I'm just a small-town girl...

#303

⇓

Who moved to the big city with big dreams...

#304

⇓

... just to find out...

#305

⇓

... the only way to make it in the big city...

#306

⇓

... is to shake it.

#307

⇓

That's what I do.

#308

⇓

(whispering) Shake it. Shake it.

#309

⇓

You wanna see me shake it?

#310

⇓

(chuckles) Of course you do.

#311

⇓

They all do. I shake it.

#312

⇓

Shake it. I shake it.

#313

⇓

I shake it. I shake it. I sha...

#314

⇓

You cannot possibly have thought that this was gonna be a good idea.

#315

⇓

Oh, you know what? This is so you.

#316

⇓

I tell you I need some help behind the bar.

#317

⇓

I finally find someone who's perfect and she practically works for free.

#318

⇓

'Cause she doesn't have the right measurements, you freak out.

#319

⇓

Oh, you just want somebody to do all the grunt work for you.

#320

⇓

- Shh! She's gonna hear you. - I don't care!

#321

⇓

Hey-oh! What's goin' on? Gotta pee.

#322

⇓

(door closes)

#323

⇓

- Hey, buddy? CHARLIE: Dennis!

#324

⇓

Wha... What's goin' on, man? You seem really happy.

#325

⇓

- Uh, I feel pretty happy. - Do you? What happened?

#326

⇓

- I think you know what happened. - Uh, I might. (urinating)

#327

⇓

Yeah. I think you do know. You talked to that waitress, right?

#328

⇓

- Yeah. - It totally worked. It totally...

#329

⇓

I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date.

#330

⇓

- She really likes me. Thank you. - You're welcome, man!

#331

⇓

- Yeah, you seem flush. You seem... - I feel like a...

#332

⇓

I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know? (laughs)

#333

⇓

That's great, man. That is terrific.

#334

⇓

It must really take your mind off things then, huh?

#335

⇓

Sure, yeah. What things?

#336

⇓

Well, you know, the... cancer. (urinating stops)

#337

⇓

(toilet flushes)

#338

⇓

Here's the thing though... about cancer. I don't have it.

#339

⇓

What?

#340

⇓

(chuckling) Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing.

#341

⇓

Yeah, I got butterflies in my stomach.

#342

⇓

There's one little issue. Yeah. Oh!

#343

⇓

Oh, my God! I think you broke my nose!

#344

⇓

- That guy's beatin' on that chick! CARMEN: Oh, my God!

#345

⇓

Oh, no. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay.

#346

⇓

- Dude, isn't that a hate crime? - Shit, yeah, it's a hate crime!

#347

⇓

(whimpering)

#348

⇓

- How could you do this? - Oh, well, excuse me

#349

⇓

for bein' the most terrible man on the planet!

#350

⇓

- Oh, I'm a terrible man! - What are you doing? What is that?

#351

⇓

- We thought you're dying, Charlie. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

#352

⇓

- Who's we? - Me and Mac and Sweet Dee.

#353

⇓

Great. I told you not to tell anyone!

#354

⇓

Now I've to go into remission so they don't think I was lying.

#355

⇓

- You were lying! - Yeah. I lied to you, all right?

#356

⇓

Look. The girl, she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet. Okay?

#357

⇓

So I tell you that I have cancer, right?

#358

⇓

Then you're gonna tell her. She's gonna feel sorry for me.

#359

⇓

We're gonna start dating. And that's the way that life works!

#360

⇓

- That was a horrible thing to do! - Well, I'm a bad guy then.

#361

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- You are a bad guy! You lied to us. - All right, look at this.

#362

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Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.

#363

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You gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?

#364

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So you're throwing down life lessons now?

#365

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- I'm throwin' down eggs! - Class is in session.

#366

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- The teacher's teachin' class now! - I'm crackin' eggs of wisdom.

#367

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Is that what you're doin'? Let me crack one more egg for you.

#368

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Let me crack and egg and throw it in the omelet!

#369

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The waitress doesn't even like you.

#370

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We had to pay her $250 to have sex with you!

#371

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A-ha! Because... (grunts)

#372

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Sex?

#373

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We didn't have sex.

#374

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(sighs)

#375

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Hey! Guess what, Dee. You're gonna love this.

#376

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No, no, no. Give me a second here.

#377

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Charlie was lying the whole time. He doesn't have cancer.

#378

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How could you not tell me that you paid her to have sex with me?

#379

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I don't understand how you could possibly be so...

#380

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You can't lie about having cancer! It's not something you do!

#381

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- We thought you were dying! - Guys, guys, guys, listen!

#382

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You're never gonna believe what happened!

#383

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I accidentally punched that tranny in the face, you know?

#384

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These two guys started chasing me. Dee, get me a beer.

#385

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It was unbelievable. I ran all the way here. Go.

#386

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- Hey. - Hey.

#387

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What the hell do you guys want?

#388

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Well, it's funny. It's a, uh, it's a funny, funny thing.

#389

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It's funny. Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and...

#390

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And you never actually had sex with him.

#391

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So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back.

#392

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If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great.

#393

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(chuckling)

#394

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(lock clicks)

#395

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- Is it... Is it locked? - Yeah.

#396

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She's probably gettin' the money though, right?

#397

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MAC: Dennis!

#398

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