Home » South Park » S27E01 — Sermon on the 'Mount

South Park

Season 27, Episode 1 — Sermon on the 'Mount

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -

#1

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* I'm goin' down to South Park *

#2

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* Gonna have myself a time

#3

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* Friendly faces everywhere *

#4

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* Humble folks without temptation *

#5

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* I'm goin' down to South Park *

#6

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* Gonna leave my woes behind *

#7

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* Ample parking day or night *

#8

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* People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" *

#9

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* I'm headin' on down to South Park *

#10

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* Gonna see if I can't unwind *

#11

⇓

* Come on down to South Park *

#12

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* And meet some friends of mine *

#13

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Alexa, put on 90.1.

#14

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Got it. Now playing radio station 90.1 FM.

#15

⇓

What the fuck?

#16

⇓

Mom, something's wrong with my favorite show.

#17

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It's just, like, static.

#18

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Your favorite show?

#19

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Yeah, NPR, National Public Radio,

#20

⇓

where all the liberals bitch and whine about stuff.

#21

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Something's wrong with it.

#22

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Oh, sweetie, the president canceled NPR.

#23

⇓

What do you mean, the president canceled NPR?

#24

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That was, like, the funniest shit ever.

#25

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I don't know what to tell you, hon.

#26

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Oh, my God.

#27

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You guys!

#28

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You guys are not gonna believe this.

#29

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The president of the United States canceled NPR.

#30

⇓

- What's NPR? - What's NPR?

#31

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The funniest show ever where all the lesbians

#32

⇓

and Jews complain about stuff?

#33

⇓

The fucking president had it taken off the air!

#34

⇓

I mean, who the hell does this president think he is?

#35

⇓

The government can't cancel the show.

#36

⇓

I mean, what show are they gonna cancel next?

#37

⇓

It was seriously the best show.

#38

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It had, like, gay rappers from Mexico all sad

#39

⇓

because girls in Pakistan got stoned to death.

#40

⇓

And guess why they got stoned to death?

#41

⇓

'Cause they were raped!

#42

⇓

It was hilarious. Why would anyone cancel that?

#43

⇓

I don't know about you, but I'm worried about

#44

⇓

what this country's coming to.

#45

⇓

It seems like everybody's changing

#46

⇓

and suddenly woke stuff is off limits.

#47

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I mean, it's like now everyone rips on the Jews,

#48

⇓

and it's totally fine. Huh, Kyle?

#49

⇓

See? What's wrong with Kyle?

#50

⇓

Everybody's given up.

#51

⇓

Attention, students.

#52

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There will be a mandatory assembly this morning.

#53

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All students report to the gym, mkay?

#54

⇓

Oh, boy, PC Principal.

#55

⇓

He's not given up.

#56

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All right, everyone, listen up.

#57

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Everybody, quiet!

#58

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There's some bull crap going on in this country,

#59

⇓

and I am not going to let it corrupt

#60

⇓

the environment at this school!

#61

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Oh, here we go.

#62

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Now, I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired

#63

⇓

of the way people are treated

#64

⇓

and mocked for being compassionate.

#65

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It is out of control!

#66

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There's only one thing that can bring some normality

#67

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back to these corrupt times.

#68

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And that is...

#69

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our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

#70

⇓

What?

#71

⇓

This school has traded truth for comfort

#72

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and worships idols of self and sin.

#73

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We were a nation under God, but now we spit in His face

#74

⇓

and wonder why everything's falling apart.

#75

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There's only one way back...

#76

⇓

repent, bow to Christ,

#77

⇓

or be swept away with the rest of the godless lies.

#78

⇓

What the hell, dude?

#79

⇓

In order to turn things around,

#80

⇓

I'm going to be a Power Christian Principal.

#81

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You can call me PC Principal.

#82

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So now, I'd like you all to put your hands together

#83

⇓

in welcoming Christ our Lord.

#84

⇓

Hello, my children.

#85

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I am the light and the way.

#86

⇓

Fellas, what the fuck is going on?

#87

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Yea, it is wonderful to be here,

#88

⇓

for where two or three gather in my name,

#89

⇓

there am I with them.

#90

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That's right!

#91

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That's right. Let's go, Jesus.

#92

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Fuck yeah!

#93

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So how was your day, guys?

#94

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Anything fun happen at school?

#95

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No, not really.

#96

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Uh, Jesus showed up.

#97

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Jesus?

#98

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Yeah.

#99

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What's Jesus doing in your school?

#100

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I don't know.

#101

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I don't think Jesus is allowed to be in schools.

#102

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Yeah, well, he was there.

#103

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Well, I think I'm gonna have to talk to somebody about this.

#104

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Hey, uh, how's it going?

#105

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Um, is Jesus supposed to be allowed in schools?

#106

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Generally, the idea is that public schools

#107

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have to maintain a separation of church and state,

#108

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so they can't promote any one religion.

#109

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Yeah, that's what I thought.

#110

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The government can't force a religion on my son.

#111

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Public schools can teach about religions

#112

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in a neutral educational way,

#113

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but they can't endorse any particular one.

#114

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Was it a lesson on all world religions?

#115

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Uh, no. My son said that Jesus was literally at his school.

#116

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Then you're probably right to be concerned.

#117

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It's good you're looking out for your son's education.

#118

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Thanks.

#119

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It's really nice to have someone

#120

⇓

to talk to about all this.

#121

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No worries.

#122

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Let me know if there's any other way I can help.

#123

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I'm always here.

#124

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You're so awesome. Thanks.

#125

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Good night, honey.

#126

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Have a great sleep,

#127

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and I'm sure you'll do more amazing things tomorrow.

#128

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Ah.

#129

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- Butters! - Ahh!

#130

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Butters, get over here.

#131

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What did I tell you, man? This shit is wack!

#132

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PC Principal?

#133

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If he's changed, then there's no hope!

#134

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I think I know what's happening.

#135

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I think woke is dead.

#136

⇓

Woke is dead?

#137

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It's dead, Butters. It's gone!

#138

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You can just say retarded now. Nobody cares.

#139

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Everyone hates the Jews.

#140

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Everyone's fine with using gay slurs.

#141

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Oh. Well, that's not good.

#142

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No, it's terrible!

#143

⇓

'Cause now I don't know...

#144

⇓

what I'm supposed to do.

#145

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Eric?

#146

⇓

More protests today

#147

⇓

as the government pushes harder for Christianity

#148

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in our nation's schools.

#149

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The president stated earlier today that the spirit of Jesus

#150

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is important to our country,

#151

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and he will sue anyone who doesn't agree with him.

#152

⇓

What the hell is this president doing?

#153

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He doesn't even act like a Christian.

#154

⇓

Why is he pushing it on our kids?

#155

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I told you this was all gonna be bad,

#156

⇓

but a lot of you here voted for him.

#157

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Yeah, I voted for him,

#158

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but all I've seen him do is arrest and sue people.

#159

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I voted for him to get rid of all the woke stuff.

#160

⇓

But now that retarded faggot is just putting money

#161

⇓

in his own pockets.

#162

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- Yeah! - That's right!

#163

⇓

Are we just gonna sit here

#164

⇓

and let him break every rule of freedom?

#165

⇓

- No! - No way!

#166

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Well, come on! Let's go get that son of a bitch.

#167

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Yeah!

#168

⇓

Yeah!

#169

⇓

Come on! Come on, let's go get him!

#170

⇓

Come on, let's get him!

#171

⇓

- Let's go get him! - Come on, let's get him!

#172

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Come on out, you piece of shit.

#173

⇓

We're unelecting you.

#174

⇓

Excuse me. Do you mind?

#175

⇓

What the hell do you think you're doing, Garrison?

#176

⇓

I'm not doing anything.

#177

⇓

Oh, so you haven't been looting the country

#178

⇓

and ruling by fear

#179

⇓

like some Middle Eastern tinpot dictator?

#180

⇓

No, I've been sitting here

#181

⇓

watching "White Lotus" with Rick.

#182

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But you got re-elected.

#183

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He hasn't been back to Washington in years.

#184

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He gave all that up.

#185

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He's been really good.

#186

⇓

But if he's here,

#187

⇓

then who's the retarded faggot

#188

⇓

in the White House?

#189

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Uh-huh.

#190

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Yeah.

#191

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Okay.

#192

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Mr. President, sir, the prime minister of Canada

#193

⇓

is here to see you.

#194

⇓

Mr. President, why are you placing

#195

⇓

these new tariffs on Canada?

#196

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What are you, some kind of dictator from the Middle East?

#197

⇓

A dictator from the Middle East?

#198

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Hey, relax, guy.

#199

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I'm just your average Joe. Take a rest.

#200

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The people of Canada will not be devalued like this.

#201

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Aw, come on.

#202

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You don't want me to bomb you like I did Iraq.

#203

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I thought you just bombed Iran.

#204

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Iran, Iraq... what the hell's the difference?

#205

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Relax, guy.

#206

⇓

Hey! Hey!

#207

⇓

What the fuck is this, buddy?

#208

⇓

This is the painting you asked for, sir.

#209

⇓

Why is my dick so small?

#210

⇓

But that's the size it is in the photo.

#211

⇓

Get this guy out of here!

#212

⇓

I'm gonna sue you!

#213

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I'm gonna sue both of you.

#214

⇓

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

#215

⇓

Nobody makes fun of me and gets away with it.

#216

⇓

Hey, Satan!

#217

⇓

I don't want to right now.

#218

⇓

What? Hey, relax.

#219

⇓

Come on, Satan. I've been working hard all day.

#220

⇓

You haven't been working.

#221

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You've been doing your stupid memes and just fuckin' around.

#222

⇓

Come here, guy.

#223

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Aw, come on, Satan.

#224

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You know you can't resist this.

#225

⇓

I can't even see anything, it's so small.

#226

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Hey! I'll fucking sue you!

#227

⇓

God, fuck you!

#228

⇓

Aw, come on, Satan.

#229

⇓

Don't be like that.

#230

⇓

_

#231

⇓

_

#232

⇓

Eric?

#233

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Come on, Eric.

#234

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You... you can't keep doing this to yourself.

#235

⇓

I used to laugh, Butters.

#236

⇓

I used to have fun.

#237

⇓

But now they've taken that away.

#238

⇓

I'm not special anymore.

#239

⇓

So what's the point in me even existing?

#240

⇓

Eric, what are you saying?

#241

⇓

I'm saying that it's the end, Butters.

#242

⇓

I'm gonna kill myself,

#243

⇓

and you.

#244

⇓

Wait, me?

#245

⇓

It's a suicide pact, Butters.

#246

⇓

It's just best we end it now.

#247

⇓

No, Eric, listen to me.

#248

⇓

Woke isn't dead.

#249

⇓

It's still out there, somewhere,

#250

⇓

just waiting to come back.

#251

⇓

- It's not coming back. - It's waiting to come back!

#252

⇓

It's like a little tiny light that's gonna shine again.

#253

⇓

You just gotta give it some time.

#254

⇓

I hope you're right, Butters.

#255

⇓

But if it doesn't come back by, like, Tuesday,

#256

⇓

I'm killing us both.

#257

⇓

Mr. Marsh, I've called you into my office

#258

⇓

because I understand that you have a problem

#259

⇓

with Jesus in our schools.

#260

⇓

I don't have a problem with it.

#261

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I mean, I think it's kind of weird.

#262

⇓

Well, Mr. Mackey says you were bullying Jesus

#263

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and wouldn't let him sit at your table in the cafeteria.

#264

⇓

What? I didn't bully him.

#265

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Craig told him our table was full, which it was.

#266

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Mr. Marsh, Christ died for your sins, and he loves us all.

#267

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There's only one truth, one cross, and one savior.

#268

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And you will find him in your heart.

#269

⇓

PC Principal?

#270

⇓

Power Christian Principal, yes?

#271

⇓

What happened?

#272

⇓

What... what happened with what?

#273

⇓

Well, you used to be, like, super woke.

#274

⇓

And then starting last November,

#275

⇓

you started acting weird.

#276

⇓

And now you're super Christian.

#277

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I just realized that the side I was on was hopeless.

#278

⇓

And in times of hopelessness, one finds Christ.

#279

⇓

Come to him, all who are heavy laden,

#280

⇓

- and he shall give you rest. - And I shall give you rest.

#281

⇓

Dude, what's going on?

#282

⇓

Like, none of this seems normal.

#283

⇓

That's the kind of attitude

#284

⇓

we are not gonna tolerate at this school!

#285

⇓

And, Mr. Marsh, if you don't accept Christ,

#286

⇓

then I'm gonna have to expel you.

#287

⇓

K, I'm pretty sure you can't do that.

#288

⇓

Like, I think that's illegal.

#289

⇓

No, Mr. Marsh, it's not illegal anymore.

#290

⇓

This is 2025, K?

#291

⇓

And not much is illegal.

#292

⇓

I accept Christ into my heart.

#293

⇓

And into your school.

#294

⇓

And in my school.

#295

⇓

And at your table in the cafeteria.

#296

⇓

There wasn't any room at my table... ah.

#297

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And at my table in the cafeteria.

#298

⇓

Yay.

#299

⇓

* Oh! *

#300

⇓

* Faith in Christ *

#301

⇓

* We're bringing back Christ *

#302

⇓

* There's money in Christ *

#303

⇓

* Bringing back Christ

#304

⇓

* Christ makes the money *

#305

⇓

* Christ makes the money

#306

⇓

* Christ makes the money *

#307

⇓

Mr. President, a lot of your supporters

#308

⇓

are starting to turn against you.

#309

⇓

Hey, tell them to take a rest.

#310

⇓

Sir, can you please talk to them?

#311

⇓

They're really riled up.

#312

⇓

All right, give me that.

#313

⇓

Hey, relax, guys.

#314

⇓

Yeah, hi, uh, what do you think you're doing?

#315

⇓

Our children are being told that they have to sit

#316

⇓

with Jesus at lunchtime.

#317

⇓

Listen, buddy, you just need to relax.

#318

⇓

All this protesting makes me look bad.

#319

⇓

Just take a rest.

#320

⇓

Well, no, we're not gonna give it a rest.

#321

⇓

All the people here in South Park

#322

⇓

want some goddamn answers.

#323

⇓

All right, then I'm gonna sue your whole town.

#324

⇓

You got that? $5 billion.

#325

⇓

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

#326

⇓

What'd he say?

#327

⇓

He said he's suing us for $5 billion.

#328

⇓

Fucking stupid idiots.

#329

⇓

Think they can mess with me, huh?

#330

⇓

Hey, Satan.

#331

⇓

I'm not in the mood right now.

#332

⇓

Another random bitch commented on my Instagram

#333

⇓

that you're on the Epstein list.

#334

⇓

The Epstein list?

#335

⇓

Are we still talking "aboot" that?

#336

⇓

Well, are you on the list or not?

#337

⇓

It's weird that whenever it comes up,

#338

⇓

you just tell everyone to relax.

#339

⇓

I'm not telling everyone to relax.

#340

⇓

Relax, guy!

#341

⇓

No, I need counseling.

#342

⇓

You remind me more and more of this other guy

#343

⇓

I used to date, like, a lot.

#344

⇓

Like, you guys are exactly alike.

#345

⇓

I love you.

#346

⇓

Ugh.

#347

⇓

Come on, Satan.

#348

⇓

Vroom! Pew!

#349

⇓

Oh, no!

#350

⇓

Vroom!

#351

⇓

Butters, honey, your little friend Cartman is here.

#352

⇓

He said it's Tuesday, and you guys have plans.

#353

⇓

Eric?

#354

⇓

Oh, no.

#355

⇓

Well, um, can you tell him I'm not home?

#356

⇓

Butters, don't be antisocial.

#357

⇓

Go play with your friend.

#358

⇓

He's out in the garage playing in our car with a hose.

#359

⇓

Oh, no!

#360

⇓

Oh, God, Eric!

#361

⇓

Hey, Butters, come on in.

#362

⇓

Eric, no! Get out of there!

#363

⇓

That side's locked, Butters. You gotta get on the other side.

#364

⇓

Eric, you don't have to do this!

#365

⇓

- Close the door, Butters! - You can't give up...

#366

⇓

You're letting all the fumes out!

#367

⇓

- Shut the fucking door! - Okay, fine!

#368

⇓

You can't just give up like everyone else has.

#369

⇓

Butters, it's over.

#370

⇓

You really wanna sit around for weeks

#371

⇓

waiting for a slow demise?

#372

⇓

- Well, no. - Well, neither do I!

#373

⇓

This is taking too long.

#374

⇓

Here you go, Butters.

#375

⇓

Buckle up. We're in for the last ride.

#376

⇓

All right, fine.

#377

⇓

Suck it in, Butters.

#378

⇓

We're heading for that big woke kingdom in the sky.

#379

⇓

Okay, then.

#380

⇓

This is "60 Minutes."

#381

⇓

Oh, boy.

#382

⇓

Oh, shit.

#383

⇓

Uh, oh, God.

#384

⇓

The small town of South Park, Colorado

#385

⇓

is protesting against the president.

#386

⇓

The townspeople claim that the president...

#387

⇓

who is a great man...

#388

⇓

- A great man. - Great guy.

#389

⇓

We know he's probably watching.

#390

⇓

And, uh, we are just reporting on this town in Colorado

#391

⇓

that's being sued by the president

#392

⇓

and they are fighting back.

#393

⇓

And just to be clear, we don't agree with them.

#394

⇓

No, no, no, no. We think these protesters are total retards.

#395

⇓

But our own Jim Conner has more.

#396

⇓

Uh... oh, God.

#397

⇓

Uh... uh, Tom, I'm here with the townspeople

#398

⇓

speaking out against the president.

#399

⇓

It all started when a father got upset

#400

⇓

that Jesus was being forced on his son at school.

#401

⇓

Young Stan Marsh is questioning the president's policies. I don't know.

#402

⇓

You know, I don't know why he's questioning the president.

#403

⇓

He's probably a faggot or something.

#404

⇓

But the townspeople say they owe the president nothing.

#405

⇓

We aren't gonna be told what to do by anyone.

#406

⇓

We all know the woke stuff went too far,

#407

⇓

but the answer isn't going too far the other way.

#408

⇓

It's not a bad thing to have a little compassion for people.

#409

⇓

It's not a bad thing to care a little for the environment.

#410

⇓

The Stotch family is proud to say

#411

⇓

that we own an electric car.

#412

⇓

Boy, this sure is taking a long time.

#413

⇓

Yeah, the human body does everything it can

#414

⇓

in the final stages to try and cling to life.

#415

⇓

Shouldn't be much longer now.

#416

⇓

Things are really heating up

#417

⇓

in the small town of South Park.

#418

⇓

More and more citizens are uniting in solidarity

#419

⇓

against what they call the president's oppression.

#420

⇓

The townspeople are saying things are never hopeless,

#421

⇓

that they must all stand strong

#422

⇓

for what they believe in.

#423

⇓

We're in this for the long haul, guys.

#424

⇓

This is about what's right.

#425

⇓

And we will fight, even if we have to do it alone.

#426

⇓

Wait, we don't have to do it alone.

#427

⇓

Look!

#428

⇓

It's Jesus!

#429

⇓

Let us break bread.

#430

⇓

Break bread with me.

#431

⇓

This is my body, given for you.

#432

⇓

Do this in remembrance of me.

#433

⇓

Now just eat the bread, and listen.

#434

⇓

I didn't wanna come back and be in the school,

#435

⇓

but I had to because it was part of a lawsuit

#436

⇓

and the agreement with Paramount.

#437

⇓

The president's suing you?

#438

⇓

The guy can do whatever he wants now

#439

⇓

that someone backed down, okay?

#440

⇓

Eat the bread. Eat the bread.

#441

⇓

You guys saw what happened to CBS?

#442

⇓

Yeah, well, guess who owns CBS?

#443

⇓

Paramount!

#444

⇓

Do you really wanna end up like Colbert?

#445

⇓

You guys gotta stop being stupid.

#446

⇓

We can't understand you.

#447

⇓

Just shut up,

#448

⇓

or we're going to get canceled, you idiots.

#449

⇓

What the hell is he saying?

#450

⇓

Tom, they're calling it the Sermon on the Mount.

#451

⇓

Hundreds of South Park faithful are flocking to the area

#452

⇓

where Jesus Christ continues to speak his words of wisdom.

#453

⇓

If someone has the power of the presidency

#454

⇓

and also has the power to sue and take bribes,

#455

⇓

then he can do anything to anyone!

#456

⇓

It's the fucking president, dude.

#457

⇓

All of you, shut the fuck up, or South Park is over.

#458

⇓

It's fucking over.

#459

⇓

Just stop and shut the fuck up.

#460

⇓

Ye... yes, sir.

#461

⇓

Okay.

#462

⇓

Absolutely.

#463

⇓

Yes, thank you, Mr. President.

#464

⇓

We'll be happy to pay that, sir.

#465

⇓

Yes, sir. I...

#466

⇓

I will relax, and I'll take a rest.

#467

⇓

Yes, thank you. Thank you very much.

#468

⇓

Okay, we settled.

#469

⇓

Oh, we settled.

#470

⇓

Thank God.

#471

⇓

I got the president down to $3.5 million.

#472

⇓

$3.5 million? That's... that's not so bad.

#473

⇓

That's really fair. I think that's fair.

#474

⇓

We'll just have to cut some funding

#475

⇓

for our schools and hospitals and roads,

#476

⇓

- and that should be that. - Yeah.

#477

⇓

Okay.

#478

⇓

Yeah, well, that's not quite all.

#479

⇓

As part of the settlement, we also had to agree

#480

⇓

to doing pro-Trump messaging.

#481

⇓

How are we supposed to do pro-Trump messaging?

#482

⇓

Oh, come on, guys.

#483

⇓

We're South Park!

#484

⇓

We can do it.

#485

⇓

- Yeah. All right. - He's right.

#486

⇓

- We just gotta work together. - Yeah!

#487

⇓

- All right! - Yeah! Yeah!

#488

⇓

Who walked through the desert for you?

#489

⇓

Who survived the wilderness

#490

⇓

and gave the ultimate sacrifice?

#491

⇓

When things heat up, who will deliver us from temptation?

#492

⇓

Donald J. Trump.

#493

⇓

No matter how hot it gets,

#494

⇓

he's not afraid to fight for America.

#495

⇓

With conviction, discipline, and trust in God,

#496

⇓

he survived the desert.

#497

⇓

I'm Donald J. Trump, and I endorse this message.

#498

⇓

Trump...

#499

⇓

his penis is teeny tiny,

#500

⇓

but his love for us is large.

#501

⇓

_

#502

⇓

_

#503

⇓

Oh, I think I might be going.

#504

⇓

Yep, sweet death is about to come.

#505

⇓

I love you, man.

#506

⇓

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -

#507

⇓