Home » South Park » S27E02 — Got A Nut

South Park

Season 27, Episode 2 — Got A Nut

♪ MTV

#1

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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

#2

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♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

#3

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♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

#4

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♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

#5

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♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

#6

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♪ Gonna leave my woes behind

#7

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♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

#8

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♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

#9

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♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪

#10

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♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

#11

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♪ Come on down to South Park ♪

#12

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♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

#13

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He's gone too far this time, dude.

#14

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The stuff he's saying about Jews is out of control.

#15

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Bro, you just got to ignore him.

#16

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Bro, it's pretty hard to ignore him

#17

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when he's saying it all on a podcast.

#18

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He actually said that all women are whores,

#19

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and the only thing we're good at is murdering babies.

#20

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Look, guys, just leave it alone.

#21

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Don't give him any more attention.

#22

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That's easy for you to say, dude.

#23

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Yeah, you are one of the multitudes of groups

#24

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he's spewing his stupid shit about.

#25

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Hey, guys.

#26

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Who are you talking about?

#27

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both: Clyde.

#28

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Clyde?

#29

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Yeah, and his stupid debating podcast.

#30

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Hey, here he comes.

#31

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Whatever, guys.

#32

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Prove me wrong. Prove me wrong.

#33

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You don't know a thing about the Jewish people.

#34

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Yeah, and shut up about girls' bodies.

#35

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Well, that sounds like a very female and Jew thing to say.

#36

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If you guys don't like it,

#37

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why don't you come debate me on my podcast?

#38

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We're not indulging your stupid podcast.

#39

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Yeah, screw you, fat ass.

#40

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Wha-- what?

#41

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Now, as your counselor,

#42

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I want to try and understand why you're doing

#43

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all these bad things you're doing.

#44

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The other students are very upset at this podcast.

#45

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And what makes you think you got to say

#46

⇓

all this stuff, Clyde?

#47

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Hey, I'm just trying to make my nut, man.

#48

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Y-your nut?

#49

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Yeah, you know, kids have it tough these days.

#50

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We got Xbox subscriptions, PS5, Steam subscriptions,

#51

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Netflix, HBO, you want to order DoorDash.

#52

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My nut's about 60 bucks a week.

#53

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So you know, as a kid, if you could do a podcast,

#54

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say some really divisive shit, then you could make your nut.

#55

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Well, Clyde, there's more important things

#56

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than a nut, mkay?

#57

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Like what?

#58

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Well, like being nice, mkay,

#59

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making people smile, helping people out.

#60

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That's why I became a counselor.

#61

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Yes?

#62

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Mr. Mackey, I need you to pack your stuff.

#63

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You've been fired, bud.

#64

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W-what?

#65

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Government's doing away with needless spending in schools.

#66

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Get your things. Last paycheck's up front.

#67

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What are you talking about?

#68

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Hey, wait a minute, PC Principal.

#69

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Power Christian Principle, yes.

#70

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I've worked here for 26 years.

#71

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We appreciate your service to this school,

#72

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but the government's cutting back on unnecessary expenses.

#73

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Well, what's more important than a school counselor?

#74

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Schools have one counselor now,

#75

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and he is the greatest counselor that ever lived.

#76

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Thanks for everything. Now, pack your shit.

#77

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But...

#78

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what about my nut?

#79

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Hello, and welcome

#80

⇓

to the "Clyde Donovan Podcast."

#81

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Welcome to the Channel of Truth, guys.

#82

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You can't trust Jews,

#83

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white people are the underprivileged,

#84

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and women belong at home.

#85

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I'd like to welcome our first guest

#86

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to the debate, Eric Cartman.

#87

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What the hell do you think you're doing, Clyde?

#88

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We're here speaking the truth about the Jews

#89

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and the underprivileged white class--

#90

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That's my shtick.

#91

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Knock it off, Clyde. You stole my idea.

#92

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I don't know about stealing ideas,

#93

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but I do know about some amazing supplement powders

#94

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that are an absolute steal-- - Supplement powders?

#95

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HE-MAN supplement powders can really help you

#96

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bulk up and get-- - Are you fucking serious?

#97

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People are sponsoring you for ripping me off?

#98

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And it's really just the best way to get ripped quick.

#99

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So be sure to get some.

#100

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And also, be sure to hashtag #RespectClydesAuthority.

#101

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What?

#102

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So after losing my job, I realized

#103

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I really better get a handle on how much I spend a month.

#104

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Yes, Mr. Mackey.

#105

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Looking over your portfolio here,

#106

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it appears you've got about an $8,000 a month nut.

#107

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$8,000 a month?

#108

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I had no idea my nut was that big.

#109

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Now, we could get you a debt consolidation loan,

#110

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cancel your streaming services,

#111

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downgrade your phone subscription,

#112

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do a second mortgage on your house,

#113

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and your nut's still $8,000--

#114

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a month.

#115

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But I don't have anything, mkay?

#116

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I can't find a job.

#117

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Nobody's hiring counselors anymore.

#118

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What am I supposed to do?

#119

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Well, there are other career opportunities.

#120

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Have you considered...

#121

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a job with the I-C-E?

#122

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Help your country round up undocumented immigrants.

#123

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ICE?

#124

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I'm a counselor.

#125

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I help people.

#126

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I would never work for ICE.

#127

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I understand you have to have your principles.

#128

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It's just they are offering new recruits

#129

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about a $100,000 salary.

#130

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Say--say what now?

#131

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Are you looking for a new career?

#132

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Why not join the I-C-E?

#133

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We have jobs available now

#134

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with up to a $50,000 signing bonus.

#135

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Signing bonus?

#136

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♪ We don't ask for experience ♪

#137

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♪ Just show up

#138

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♪ We don't care if you've read a book or grown up ♪

#139

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♪ If you're crazy or fat and lazy ♪

#140

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♪ We don't care at all ♪

#141

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I'm proud to work for the I-C-E.

#142

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♪ Immigration and Customs Enforcement ♪

#143

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♪ If you need a job

#144

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♪ It's a job

#145

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♪ To have

#146

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And now, watch as Clyde Donovan totally destroys

#147

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these woke liberal students.

#148

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Welcome to the channel, guys.

#149

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Looks like a lot of whiny babies have a problem

#150

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with what I say, so prove me wrong.

#151

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Uh, Hey, Clyde.

#152

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Um, you said nothing good ever came from the Jews.

#153

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But if that's true, why are bagels so yummy?

#154

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- Yeah. - Yeah!

#155

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Well, you've obviously been taught by the Jews

#156

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to have a problem with this school and with America.

#157

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So let me ask you this-- what is your definition of a woman?

#158

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Wait, now, what?

#159

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What is a woman? It's a very simple question.

#160

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Well, a woman is a lady friend

#161

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who, you know, gives you kisses.

#162

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You see, you can't answer the question.

#163

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But something is male or it is female.

#164

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Both science and scripture agree to that.

#165

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And that's just the truth. Next.

#166

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Another woke student totally destroyed.

#167

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Oh, jeez.

#168

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Did you call the girls' soccer team

#169

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a Marxist indoctrination factory?

#170

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That is correct.

#171

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We actually beat the boys 4 to 0, you know.

#172

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You can whine about American oppression all you want,

#173

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but you're using an iPhone made by the free market

#174

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to complain about a system that gave it to you.

#175

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Girls have it way easy in America,

#176

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and that's just the truth.

#177

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Woke student totally pwned.

#178

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Women have it good in America,

#179

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just like Black people do.

#180

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Black people have everything handed to them--

#181

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Motherfucker!

#182

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I'm sick of people stealing my schtick.

#183

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If anyone around here is gonna be a master debater,

#184

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it's me.

#185

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So let's go.

#186

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Who wants to debate the master debater?

#187

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Let's go.

#188

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You right there.

#189

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That's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen.

#190

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You are wrong.

#191

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Leviticus 3:17 says it shall be a perpetual statute

#192

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for your generations throughout all your dwellings.

#193

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So you can shut up, Bebe.

#194

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You just hate America and you love abortions.

#195

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Mr. Mackey?

#196

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Uh, yes, r-right here.

#197

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Have a seat, sir.

#198

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What makes you want to work for immigration enforcement?

#199

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Uh, well,

#200

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you see, I got a nut.

#201

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All right, you're hired.

#202

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Take this to the next station

#203

⇓

for your physical and orientation video.

#204

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Well, th-that's it?

#205

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You will now watch an orientation video

#206

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featuring the Director of Homeland Security.

#207

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Welcome to the team, recruits.

#208

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I'm Kristi Noem, Head of Homeland Security.

#209

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Oh, she seems nice, mkay? Very pretty.

#210

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A few years ago, I had to put my puppy down

#211

⇓

by shooting it in the face,

#212

⇓

because sometimes doing what's important

#213

⇓

means doing what's hard.

#214

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Whoa. Whoa.

#215

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Now, we'll ask the same determination of you.

#216

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Because detaining and questioning people

#217

⇓

is never easy.

#218

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Oh, God!

#219

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As the face of Homeland Security,

#220

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I'll be leading the way.

#221

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And together, we'll make sure

#222

⇓

everyone is in this country legally.

#223

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So let's get out there and get 'em, recruits.

#224

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Together, we can make it happen.

#225

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We hope you enjoyed the presentation.

#226

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Please step through to the vehicles for your first raid.

#227

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Keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle

#228

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at all times.

#229

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Lock and load, recruits!

#230

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Prepare to raid!

#231

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Mmm-kay.

#232

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Watch as Eric Cartman shuts down

#233

⇓

these woke liberal students.

#234

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Oh, my God.

#235

⇓

What makes you think you have the right

#236

⇓

to say what I do with my body?

#237

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Let me ask you something.

#238

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If a pregnant woman is killed and the baby dies too,

#239

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why is the killer charged with a double homicide?

#240

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Well, b--because people have different beliefs.

#241

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It's not about belief. It's about truth.

#242

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Science confirms life begins at conception.

#243

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So, yes, Jeremiah 1:5 says, before I formed you

#244

⇓

in the womb, I knew you.

#245

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But it's just morality that demands

#246

⇓

we protect the most vulnerable.

#247

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So let me ask you-- when do you think life begins?

#248

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Eric, are you all right in there?

#249

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Yeah, I'm fine, Mom.

#250

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I'm just in here master debating.

#251

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Well, Eric, that's enough.

#252

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Let's get out of the bathroom.

#253

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I can't, Mom.

#254

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I'm master debating to these young college girls.

#255

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That's very naughty, Eric. Stop it.

#256

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Mom, I finally got sponsored by a protein powder,

#257

⇓

so I gotta master debate for a couple more hours.

#258

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Leviticus 9:1-8. Leave me alone.

#259

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All right, recruits. This is it.

#260

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We're heading to a location

#261

⇓

that might be filled with illegals.

#262

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Let's take these bad hombres down.

#263

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Backpack.

#264

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Backpack.

#265

⇓

Backpack. Backpack.

#266

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♪ I'm the map, I'm the map ♪

#267

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♪ I'm the map, he's the map ♪

#268

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♪ He's the map, I'm the map ♪

#269

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Freeze!

#270

⇓

Oh, God. Mkay.

#271

⇓

We're just here for questioning.

#272

⇓

Cooperate, and nothing bad-- holy shit.

#273

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Look, I'm really sorry about this.

#274

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It's just, I got a monthly nut, you know?

#275

⇓

I gotta make my nut.

#276

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You did a good job in there, soldier.

#277

⇓

Mkay. Thank you, Captain.

#278

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I know it's tough doing what's hard,

#279

⇓

but we could use more men like you in the--

#280

⇓

Whoa, what the fuck?

#281

⇓

Your Botox, Ms. Noem.

#282

⇓

Oh, yeah. Fix me up.

#283

⇓

Fix me up.

#284

⇓

Another day doing what's tough.

#285

⇓

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

#286

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But a body growing inside a woman's body is not her body.

#287

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It's a completely separate fetus--

#288

⇓

Eric, what are you doing?

#289

⇓

I'm sorry, mom.

#290

⇓

You told me to go to sleep, but I started masterdebating again.

#291

⇓

This is really getting to be a problem, Eric.

#292

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Mom, you don't understand.

#293

⇓

I'm getting really good at this.

#294

⇓

I have my arguments down rock solid.

#295

⇓

These young college girls are totally unprepared,

#296

⇓

so I can just destroy them and also edit out all the ones

#297

⇓

that actually argue back well.

#298

⇓

It just feels so good.

#299

⇓

I understand it feels good,

#300

⇓

but that doesn't mean you do it all the time.

#301

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I'm sorry, Mommy.

#302

⇓

Put the computer away and leave those poor

#303

⇓

college girls alone.

#304

⇓

OK.

#305

⇓

I won't master debate anymore tonight.

#306

⇓

Look, look, you can call it reproductive rights.

#307

⇓

But be honest, if a baby could speak,

#308

⇓

it would fight for its right to live.

#309

⇓

Eric Cartman!

#310

⇓

I'm sorry, Mom!

#311

⇓

Tom, another protest today, as thousands turned out

#312

⇓

in downtown Denver to voice their outrage

#313

⇓

against the I-C-E.

#314

⇓

This is just out of control.

#315

⇓

A lot of the people being targeted in these raids

#316

⇓

are kind, hard-working, deeply faithful people

#317

⇓

who care for their families.

#318

⇓

I have no doubt that there are many, many Latinos in heaven.

#319

⇓

Oh, this is bad.

#320

⇓

Mkay?

#321

⇓

Remember, only detain the brown ones.

#322

⇓

If it's brown, it goes down.

#323

⇓

Jesus, look out!

#324

⇓

There's another one flying over here.

#325

⇓

Catch him! Catch him!

#326

⇓

I just need to ask you some questions,

#327

⇓

mkay, make sure you're legal.

#328

⇓

How did you get into heaven?

#329

⇓

Um, I was really nice to people,

#330

⇓

and I helped various charities.

#331

⇓

Look, I'm really sorry about this,

#332

⇓

but I'm just trying to make my nut.

#333

⇓

Mackey, I need a word.

#334

⇓

Yes, Captain?

#335

⇓

You did another great job out there, Mackey.

#336

⇓

I like your style.

#337

⇓

Oh. Thank you.

#338

⇓

The President's handing out bonuses

#339

⇓

to recruits that stand out.

#340

⇓

And I'm going to recommend you

#341

⇓

for the next set of bonuses that--

#342

⇓

Ah!

#343

⇓

Grab it!

#344

⇓

No more brownies in heaven.

#345

⇓

Hello and welcome to the third annual

#346

⇓

Charlie Kirk Award for Young Masterdebaters.

#347

⇓

More and more young people today

#348

⇓

are learning to fight for America

#349

⇓

through masterdebation.

#350

⇓

We're here to honor the recent efforts of a brave young man

#351

⇓

who has been furiously masterdebating

#352

⇓

for the past several days and has won himself

#353

⇓

not only this trophy, but also an all expenses paid vacation

#354

⇓

to a beautiful five-star resort.

#355

⇓

He has proven himself the true champion.

#356

⇓

Please welcome the best young masterdebater

#357

⇓

of our time, Clyde Donovan.

#358

⇓

Clyde?

#359

⇓

No! That's my trip to a five-star resort!

#360

⇓

Come on, Eric. Let's go.

#361

⇓

Thanks, everyone.

#362

⇓

The Civil Rights Act was a huge mistake.

#363

⇓

And, I don't know, lesbians are an abomination of God.

#364

⇓

You all stole my schtick!

#365

⇓

Clyde!

#366

⇓

OK.

#367

⇓

We got some of your pay stubs in.

#368

⇓

Let's see how that nut's looking.

#369

⇓

Well, seems you got some bonuses

#370

⇓

for rounding up the most Mexicans.

#371

⇓

Shh.

#372

⇓

We don't round up Mexicans, OK?

#373

⇓

We just detain foreigners who might be illegal.

#374

⇓

OK.

#375

⇓

Well, after taxes and with your bonuses,

#376

⇓

it looks like you've got about $10 grand a month to spend.

#377

⇓

- Oh, I do? - Yes.

#378

⇓

And your nut's up to about $12 grand a month.

#379

⇓

What?

#380

⇓

But my nut was only $8 grand a week ago.

#381

⇓

Right. But you got a good-paying job.

#382

⇓

You see, as you make more money,

#383

⇓

your nut actually gets bigger.

#384

⇓

How is that possible?

#385

⇓

It's all right.

#386

⇓

If you can just get a few more bonuses,

#387

⇓

we can refinance the house, divide that

#388

⇓

by the number of Mexicans you detained, and, of course,

#389

⇓

compound any Costa Ricans you might incur to the--

#390

⇓

Freeze! Nobody move!

#391

⇓

Here he is over here.

#392

⇓

Come on, Mackey. Need to talk to you outside.

#393

⇓

Talk to me? About what?

#394

⇓

What's this all about?

#395

⇓

Congratulations, recruit.

#396

⇓

I talked to the president about your accomplishments,

#397

⇓

and he says he wants to help you with your nut.

#398

⇓

Really? He does?

#399

⇓

That's right.

#400

⇓

We have orders to get you on a plane.

#401

⇓

The President wants to thank you personally.

#402

⇓

Congratulations.

#403

⇓

He's invited you to Mar-a-Lago.

#404

⇓

Mar-a-Lago?

#405

⇓

Oh, wow.

#406

⇓

Relax! Take a load off!

#407

⇓

Boss, the plane is here

#408

⇓

from Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

#409

⇓

I know, stupid. Let's go.

#410

⇓

Hey, buddy.

#411

⇓

Welcome to Mar-a-Lago.

#412

⇓

Oh, thank you, Mr. President.

#413

⇓

What is his fantasy, boss?

#414

⇓

Will you get out of here?

#415

⇓

Listen, buddy, I want to offer you

#416

⇓

an incredible opportunity.

#417

⇓

How would you like to make more money

#418

⇓

than you ever thought possible?

#419

⇓

Well, I do have a pretty huge nut.

#420

⇓

Now, that's the kind of talk I like.

#421

⇓

Mar-a-Lago's for everyone that's got a nut.

#422

⇓

I'm giving you a promotion.

#423

⇓

You'll have access to all that Mar-a-Lago has to offer.

#424

⇓

I want to make you the new face of Homeland Security.

#425

⇓

But, Mr. President, I thought Kristi Noem

#426

⇓

was the head of Homeland Security.

#427

⇓

Well, she was, but her face freaks me out.

#428

⇓

So what do you say?

#429

⇓

Well, I do need a high-paying job.

#430

⇓

Excellent.

#431

⇓

Now, let's take care of that nut for you.

#432

⇓

Hey, Satan.

#433

⇓

Meet the new face of Homeland Security.

#434

⇓

Whoa! Oh, my God.

#435

⇓

I just want to go.

#436

⇓

This place is gross.

#437

⇓

Would you like me to apply the baby oil

#438

⇓

to Satan's asshole, boss?

#439

⇓

OK, look, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

#440

⇓

I'm going to take a little break here.

#441

⇓

Hey, come on.

#442

⇓

Relax, guy.

#443

⇓

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

#444

⇓

Backpack, backpack.

#445

⇓

Oh, God, Dora the Explorer.

#446

⇓

Excuse me.

#447

⇓

Clyde?

#448

⇓

Not right now, sir.

#449

⇓

I've kind of had enough.

#450

⇓

What are you doing here... young man?

#451

⇓

Just trying to make my nut, sir.

#452

⇓

Didn't really want all this.

#453

⇓

Oh, well, young man...

#454

⇓

I kind of know what you're going through, mkay?

#455

⇓

I know we all have a lot of pressures

#456

⇓

and we all want nice things, mkay, but--

#457

⇓

but if you're doing something you don't really believe in

#458

⇓

just to make your nut,

#459

⇓

you're going to find that you just get sadder

#460

⇓

and your nut just gets bigger.

#461

⇓

Mkay?

#462

⇓

Yeah.

#463

⇓

I guess you're right.

#464

⇓

But... who are you?

#465

⇓

I'm a goddamn counselor.

#466

⇓

That's what I am.

#467

⇓

This place isn't right for either of us.

#468

⇓

There's got to be someone that can help get us out.

#469

⇓

All right. Got him.

#470

⇓

Hey, Kristi, what's going on?

#471

⇓

Trying to replace me

#472

⇓

as the face of Homeland Security, huh?

#473

⇓

Hey, relax, guy.

#474

⇓

Who could replace a face like that?

#475

⇓

Think I can't handle myself 'cause I'm a lady

#476

⇓

with good looks that drive men wild?

#477

⇓

Come on. We're getting out of here.

#478

⇓

You too, come on.

#479

⇓

We got it. We got it.

#480

⇓

Another job well done.

#481

⇓

♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo loo loo ♪

#482

⇓

♪ Loo loo loo, loo loo loo ♪

#483

⇓