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» S01E12 — Walleye
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Season 1, Episode 12 — Walleye
.
#1
⇓
- All right, quickly finish shutting up, everybody.
#2
⇓
I have an awesome new Miles mission.
#3
⇓
We're gonna make him a deadbeat dad.
#4
⇓
- Hold up, wouldn't he have to be a dad first?
#5
⇓
Dan, you're great at this class.
#6
⇓
- So I was looking for dirt on Miles,
#7
⇓
and I found an old photograph of us together
#8
⇓
with this girl, Theresa, that he had a fling with.
#9
⇓
Now, if he had gotten her pregnant without realizing it,
#10
⇓
then their child would now be,
#11
⇓
oh, about your age.
#12
⇓
What're you do-- Anthony?
#13
⇓
Pass the photo around.
#14
⇓
Well, look at it first.
#15
⇓
Never mind-- anyway--
#16
⇓
One of you is gonna bring this photo to Miles
#17
⇓
and say that that's your mom,
#18
⇓
and that you're his kid that he abandoned.
#19
⇓
Voila. Deadbeat dad.
#20
⇓
And the best part is, you're gonna tell him this
#21
⇓
right before he walks on stage in Detroit for a TED Talk.
#22
⇓
It's gonna totally mess with his head.
#23
⇓
It's gonna ruin his presentation.
#24
⇓
The only question that remains is,
#25
⇓
Which one of you can most convincingly
#26
⇓
play the role of Miles' kid?
#27
⇓
Let me see what you guys got.
#28
⇓
- I've missed you ever since I was a--
#29
⇓
- Too slow. Too slow.
#30
⇓
Okay, Heather. You're face to face with Miles.
#31
⇓
What're you gonna do?
#32
⇓
- Well, hey there, big daddy.
#33
⇓
- Nope. Mm-mm, wrong tone.
#34
⇓
- Am I the only one who feels like making Miles think
#35
⇓
he has a kid might be going a little too far?
#36
⇓
- Miles is lame.
#37
⇓
He deserves everything that's coming to him.
#38
⇓
He's peddling these fake philosophies
#39
⇓
to the ignorant masses and he knows better.
#40
⇓
- Yes. Devin gets it.
#41
⇓
This is exactly what I've been talking about.
#42
⇓
Okay, Devin. So...
#43
⇓
Tell me how you break the news to him.
#44
⇓
- Miles, you're my dad, and you suck.
#45
⇓
- There's our guy, right there. The Prince of Darkness is back.
#46
⇓
I love it. I'm gonna need to confiscate
#47
⇓
that knife from you, though, bud.
#48
⇓
Uh, I think I've let things get a little bit
#49
⇓
too loose around here.
#50
⇓
Go ahead and finish crossing the A
#51
⇓
on your anarchy thing, though.
#52
⇓
[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]
#53
⇓
- One, two, three, four!
#54
⇓
- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪
#55
⇓
♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
#56
⇓
♪
#57
⇓
- Hey, Ralphie.
#58
⇓
- Hello, ladies.
#59
⇓
- We need you to sign off on the Sadie Hawkins Dance theme.
#60
⇓
We're doing '80s again, okay?
#61
⇓
Leg-warmers and side ponies, y'all.
#62
⇓
- Well, I don't know if you guys have noticed,
#63
⇓
but since Brenda and I separated,
#64
⇓
I have been doing my own thang.
#65
⇓
- Oh!
#66
⇓
- That's why we came to you, Durb Daddy.
#67
⇓
- Thank you, but--but I was thinking that a good theme
#68
⇓
for the dance would be...
#69
⇓
The movie "Congo."
#70
⇓
Based on the Michael Crichton novel.
#71
⇓
It's got everything teens love.
#72
⇓
It's got gorillas, it's got lasers,
#73
⇓
it's got a character named Herkermer Homolka.
#74
⇓
Oh. I've seen that look.
#75
⇓
Got that look from Brenda for ten years.
#76
⇓
She--
#77
⇓
She hated all my ideas too.
#78
⇓
- Um, it's just...
#79
⇓
Mary?
#80
⇓
- Um, it's just, uh,
#81
⇓
obscure movies that no one's seen
#82
⇓
don't make great dance themes. - Mm-mm.
#83
⇓
- I'm sorry-- You guys have never seen this?
#84
⇓
Okay, guys, you gotta watch this, all right?
#85
⇓
And--and if you still don't think it's a good idea
#86
⇓
for a dance, then we won't do it.
#87
⇓
- Okay, that's--that's fair. - Okay.
#88
⇓
♪
#89
⇓
- Okay, all right, all right, listen.
#90
⇓
Get in there and rattle him.
#91
⇓
Rattle him good.
#92
⇓
♪
#93
⇓
- Uh, if you want a selfie, we're gonna have to be quick,
#94
⇓
'cause I've got an awful lot of people out there who--
#95
⇓
- 17 years ago you had sex with my mom, which makes you my dad.
#96
⇓
Her? Oh.
#97
⇓
Theresa Cantrell is your mum?
#98
⇓
Theresa the teaser, we used to--
#99
⇓
- I have a lot of complicated feelings,
#100
⇓
and I'm sure you do as well.
#101
⇓
I gotta say, I feel, uh, pretty neglected.
#102
⇓
A little angry.
#103
⇓
Sorry about the timing.
#104
⇓
I hope it doesn't mess up your speech.
#105
⇓
- A son.
#106
⇓
Oh, my goodness.
#107
⇓
My life just keeps getting better and better.
#108
⇓
All right, let's have a look at you then.
#109
⇓
Oh, you're a big lad.
#110
⇓
Look at those eyes.
#111
⇓
Beautiful--They're mine.
#112
⇓
And you've got the forehead. You've--we've--got--
#113
⇓
You've got the same highly expressive forehead.
#114
⇓
Oh, my goodness me. - You're on.
#115
⇓
- Yeah, got it, right. I've gotta go and do the--
#116
⇓
And you wait here, and I'll be back.
#117
⇓
- Uh--
#118
⇓
Hello, Detroit! I have a son!
#119
⇓
Yeah!
#120
⇓
Well,
#121
⇓
Miles was unfazed.
#122
⇓
- It's like the meaner you are to him, the nicer he is.
#123
⇓
- What kind of a dork is thrilled to find out
#124
⇓
that he's been saddled with an unwanted child?
#125
⇓
Ah, and that's him calling me right now.
#126
⇓
Yeah? - Jack.
#127
⇓
Hello, old mate.
#128
⇓
Do you remember Theresa the teaser?
#129
⇓
- Mm-hmm. - Well, long story short,
#130
⇓
she had a baby, and now I have a son.
#131
⇓
And you'll never guess, he lives in Toledo,
#132
⇓
your hometown,
#133
⇓
which is where I am right this minute.
#134
⇓
Right now?
#135
⇓
.
#136
⇓
- So we watched the movie "Congo."
#137
⇓
And it was good.
#138
⇓
It was very good. - Very good.
#139
⇓
Don't think, just answer.
#140
⇓
- Easy, when the gorilla drinks a martini and burps.
#141
⇓
- Me too!
#142
⇓
- And while that is all very
#143
⇓
Um, I'm actually starting to think, just a little bit,
#144
⇓
how would you turn that into a dance theme?
#145
⇓
As much as I would love to.
#146
⇓
- Yeah, Durbin, it's like, What were you even picturing?
#147
⇓
- How were you even gonna decorate, Ralph?
#148
⇓
Take the jungle foliage sets
#149
⇓
from last year's production of "South Pacific"?
#150
⇓
- Oh, my-- Guys, I'm--I'm seeing this.
#151
⇓
This could work. - Me too.
#152
⇓
I can't believe it.
#153
⇓
I think we're all actually coming around to "Congo."
#154
⇓
both: No!
#155
⇓
- Uh, stop it, Michelle.
#156
⇓
Sorry to hurt your feelings, Durbin,
#157
⇓
but "Congo" as the dance theme
#158
⇓
is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
#159
⇓
It's worse than Fish Week.
#160
⇓
- Brenda hated Fish Week.
#161
⇓
She said it was "unsanitary nonsense."
#162
⇓
But, I guess, all my ideas are bad,
#163
⇓
aren't they?
#164
⇓
You know, you guys, just do the '80s dance and--
#165
⇓
just do whatever you want.
#166
⇓
[taps keys forcefully, vocalizes downtrodden tune]
#167
⇓
- Guys, this is bad. He can't know that I live here.
#168
⇓
And he can't know that I teach high school.
#169
⇓
- You can always point out the fact
#170
⇓
that you don't teach anything.
#171
⇓
- What kind of a twisted sicko just shows up
#172
⇓
to see his abandoned son?
#173
⇓
So pathetic.
#174
⇓
- Drives all the way here uninvited.
#175
⇓
It's like he's so desperate for love.
#176
⇓
- Yeah, yeah.
#177
⇓
You're right.
#178
⇓
He's desperate. We can use that.
#179
⇓
Okay, so, you need to embrace your relationship to Miles.
#180
⇓
Make him really love you, and then--
#181
⇓
Reject him. Hard.
#182
⇓
- And then we can see if old Miles can float.
#183
⇓
- Uh, too far, Prince of D.
#184
⇓
Why don't we just stick to the emotional crushing?
#185
⇓
- I don't know, I feel like the moral compass
#186
⇓
is thumbs down on this one.
#187
⇓
- Yeah, and I feel like I'm pretty thumbs down on you,
#188
⇓
Marcus. - Great.
#189
⇓
- Okay, guys, I need some ideas for Miles bonding time.
#190
⇓
What do you guys like to do with your parents around here?
#191
⇓
- You know, the Toledo Walleye hockey games are fun.
#192
⇓
My family has season tickets.
#193
⇓
And I'm taking my little brother, Jeffy,
#194
⇓
tomorrow night.
#195
⇓
- My man. Dan, that's perfect.
#196
⇓
Okay, so, Devin.
#197
⇓
Tomorrow you'll go sightseeing with Miles after school.
#198
⇓
And then, end the evening at a Walleye hockey game.
#199
⇓
Ah, you know how to really set him up for rejection?
#200
⇓
Call him "Dad."
#201
⇓
Then it's time for the pièce de résistance.
#202
⇓
Tell him you want nothing to do with him.
#203
⇓
♪
#204
⇓
- Here's to our first Toledo hotdog.
#205
⇓
Cheers!
#206
⇓
♪
#207
⇓
I'm gonna need more of these.
#208
⇓
The archduke of Slovenia said, "Miles, if you'll not take
#209
⇓
my daughter, please have these antique dueling pistols."
#210
⇓
♪
#211
⇓
Those poachers weren't coming back--
#212
⇓
Ow.
#213
⇓
- ♪ Me and my man
#214
⇓
♪ Me and my main man
#215
⇓
♪ Me and my man
#216
⇓
- Oh, thank you.
#217
⇓
Look at us!
#218
⇓
Wow.
#219
⇓
That was so good, wasn't it? - Yeah.
#220
⇓
- Right, next, onto the game.
#221
⇓
♪
#222
⇓
Come on.
#223
⇓
crowd: Let's go, Walleyes. Let's go, Walleyes.
#224
⇓
- This is perfect.
#225
⇓
Matching father-son hats.
#226
⇓
- Did you know Miles has a set of antique dueling pistols?
#227
⇓
- Don't get sucked into Miles' world, okay?
#228
⇓
Stay focused.
#229
⇓
Go give him the hats, play the dad card,
#230
⇓
break his heart. Go.
#231
⇓
- Ooh.
#232
⇓
- Oh, mate, amazing.
#233
⇓
A couple of matching fish bubble hats.
#234
⇓
Thank you.
#235
⇓
Yep.
#236
⇓
Oh, one question.
#237
⇓
What do I do with these bad boys?
#238
⇓
Hey.
#239
⇓
Oh, what a couple of willies in a biscuit, then, eh?
#240
⇓
- Look, Danny, it's me!
#241
⇓
Look at that kid, he's amazing.
#242
⇓
- Dan, tell Jeffy to stop dancing.
#243
⇓
- Hey, you tell Jeffy to stop dancing.
#244
⇓
Because half these people come to the games
#245
⇓
just to see Jeffy dance.
#246
⇓
crowd: Let's go, Walleyes!
#247
⇓
crowd: Let's go, Walleyes!
#248
⇓
- It was truly breathtaking,
#249
⇓
but I had no one to share it with.
#250
⇓
I've always wanted to do that.
#251
⇓
I heard it's covered in frozen corpses.
#252
⇓
- Well, you can.
#253
⇓
Devin, you're-- you're a great lad,
#254
⇓
and you deserve to see all the beautiful views
#255
⇓
and corpses your-- your little heart desires.
#256
⇓
Oh, nearly. Nearly.
#257
⇓
It kills me to have to do this,
#258
⇓
but I've got an early flight to catch back to Stanford.
#259
⇓
Thank you for today. I've had...
#260
⇓
an amazing time, and...
#261
⇓
I'm never gonna forget today.
#262
⇓
- Thanks... Dad.
#263
⇓
- Huh.
#264
⇓
Come here, son.
#265
⇓
♪
#266
⇓
Cheers.
#267
⇓
Uh, sorry, guys, can I get out? Thank you, thank you.
#268
⇓
Buh-bye. Cheerio.
#269
⇓
- Hey, hey!
#270
⇓
Why didn't you tell him you hate him?
#271
⇓
- I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.
#272
⇓
I hesitated and ran out of time.
#273
⇓
Can we just get Miles some other way?
#274
⇓
- No, there is no other way. This is the way.
#275
⇓
All right, come on, let's go.
#276
⇓
- Not yet. I don't wanna wake Jeffy.
#277
⇓
- I literally have to do everything.
#278
⇓
All right, fine, give me Jeffy.
#279
⇓
Come on. All right, Jeffy, let's go.
#280
⇓
Come on, Jeffy.
#281
⇓
Okay.
#282
⇓
All right.
#283
⇓
I'll figure out how to keep Miles in Toledo another day.
#284
⇓
You figure out how to grow some balls, all right?
#285
⇓
Finish him!
#286
⇓
- Ah, okay, shh.
#287
⇓
It's all right. Come here, Jeffy.
#288
⇓
.
#289
⇓
- Hello, Jack-o! - Miles-o.
#290
⇓
Uh, how'd it go with your son?
#291
⇓
It must've felt nice to say sorry for having missed
#292
⇓
every significant event in his entire life,
#293
⇓
you know, baseball games, recitals--
#294
⇓
Aw, his wobbly first step.
#295
⇓
- Well, I--I didn't exactly get a chance to
#296
⇓
tell him all those things.
#297
⇓
- Ah, that's a shame.
#298
⇓
I would've killed to hear my absentee father
#299
⇓
say sorry to me for missing all that stuff
#300
⇓
in my life, you know, in person.
#301
⇓
My two cents?
#302
⇓
I think it's worth, uh, sticking around one more day
#303
⇓
to tell him all that.
#304
⇓
- You know Jack, that is smarter than a seaman's cleats.
#305
⇓
- That can't be an actual British expression.
#306
⇓
- All right, cheerio, me old China.
#307
⇓
- Uh-oh. - D-D-Durbie Fully Loaded.
#308
⇓
- Let me guess, you guys are here to tell me
#309
⇓
that eating salty soup out of a cup
#310
⇓
is another one of my bad ideas?
#311
⇓
- No, Durbs, we're actually here to tell you
#312
⇓
that we are totally on board for "Congo."
#313
⇓
- Like you said before, it's a bad idea.
#314
⇓
- We were talking about it and realized we're the only ones
#315
⇓
who care about the dance theme.
#316
⇓
- Yeah.
#317
⇓
- The kids don't pay attention to the decorations.
#318
⇓
They just see them as something to hide behind
#319
⇓
so they can grab up on a butt.
#320
⇓
- Mm-hmm, yeah, it makes no difference
#321
⇓
whether they're honking on each other's little
#322
⇓
behind a jungle in the Congo, or a big '80s Rubik's Cube.
#323
⇓
- I mean, it's true.
#324
⇓
The--these dances are a full-on dog park.
#325
⇓
- In every way.
#326
⇓
I found two poops last year.
#327
⇓
Human.
#328
⇓
- Ralph, we just wanna support you.
#329
⇓
I mean, that means so much more to us than some theme.
#330
⇓
- You guys are the best.
#331
⇓
Listen.
#332
⇓
Keep this under your hats, okay?
#333
⇓
We don't want some other school stealing our theme.
#334
⇓
- We are literally, um, never telling anyone about this.
#335
⇓
Ever. Okay?
#336
⇓
- Uh, sorry to interrupt.
#337
⇓
Is this
#338
⇓
Ah, hah, there he is.
#339
⇓
- Miles, what're you doing here?
#340
⇓
- Well, I--I realized that I never apologized to you,
#341
⇓
for missing out on-- well, I've missed--
#342
⇓
Missing out on everything
#343
⇓
until yesterday.
#344
⇓
And I wanted to swear to you that I'm gonna make that right.
#345
⇓
Money's no object. You know, whatever it costs.
#346
⇓
I'll fly backwards and forwards.
#347
⇓
Whatever it takes to-- to be your dad.
#348
⇓
- I can't do this.
#349
⇓
You're not my dad. - No, I--
#350
⇓
completely understand that.
#351
⇓
And I will work to earn that title.
#352
⇓
- No, I mean it, I'm not your son.
#353
⇓
- But we--we've got the same--
#354
⇓
Expressive forehead.
#355
⇓
- Well, actually, the forehead's not really
#356
⇓
an identifying characteristic.
#357
⇓
- Okay, shh, bud. Who are you?
#358
⇓
- I didn't mean any of it.
#359
⇓
I'm sorry.
#360
⇓
Wha--I don't--
#361
⇓
Oh, I was excited about us. I--I felt...
#362
⇓
I was gonna have a fuller life 'cause of you.
#363
⇓
And then...
#364
⇓
You're a monster.
#365
⇓
Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
#366
⇓
Whoo! Holy crap, uh!
#367
⇓
Now, if I'm not mistaken,
#368
⇓
that is a garbage can filled with Miles' puke.
#369
⇓
Yeah?
#370
⇓
And from what I was seeing, it's 'cause he's a broken man.
#371
⇓
Am I right? Okay.
#372
⇓
Well, then this calls for a celebration.
#373
⇓
Uh-uh! Whoo!
#374
⇓
We did it, baby. Oh, it was glorious, mmm.
#375
⇓
What's
#376
⇓
.
#377
⇓
I'm sorry, what is going on here?
#378
⇓
What-- What's the deal?
#379
⇓
Guys, we--we succeeded. Let's celebrate!
#380
⇓
- He's a good guy and we broke him.
#381
⇓
For what?
#382
⇓
- For America!
#383
⇓
I don't know.
#384
⇓
What, are you trying to guilt me with your silence?
#385
⇓
That's not gonna work.
#386
⇓
Look, it's not like I don't know
#387
⇓
what you guys are thinking anyway, you know.
#388
⇓
Anthony's over there like,
#389
⇓
I'm judgy Anthony.
#390
⇓
You know? Victor's sitting there like,
#391
⇓
I think this may have
#392
⇓
gotten out of hand, Mr. Griffin.
#393
⇓
- I think it has.
#394
⇓
- And Marcus is like,
#395
⇓
At the risk of being
#396
⇓
a permanent virgin, don't you think you should
#397
⇓
come clean and tell Miles it wasn't Devin's fault?
#398
⇓
And Sarika's like,
#399
⇓
I think I speak on behalf
#400
⇓
of all the nerds in the whole wide world
#401
⇓
when I say you're a bad guy, Mr. Griffin.
#402
⇓
- Sarika's right, as usual.
#403
⇓
- Come on, you guys. All of you are gonna be fine.
#404
⇓
Okay? Look at me, I'm fine. You know?
#405
⇓
I feel f-- I feel great, actually.
#406
⇓
I--I think, um...
#407
⇓
I think we did a--
#408
⇓
I think we did the world a-- a service today.
#409
⇓
Hmm?
#410
⇓
So you guys can sit there and stare at me all you want.
#411
⇓
That's not gonna-- Not gonna make me feel guilty,
#412
⇓
if that's what you're going for, that's what I'm saying.
#413
⇓
I--I feel good.
#414
⇓
I'm gonna go piss.
#415
⇓
♪
#416
⇓
Hey, Miles, hey.
#417
⇓
- Whoa-ho, hey. Uh, Jack.
#418
⇓
Is that you?
#419
⇓
- Yes, it's me. Here in Toledo.
#420
⇓
- I don't understand. What are you doing here?
#421
⇓
'Cause I, I was here with my son--he's not my--
#422
⇓
He's just some-- - I know.
#423
⇓
- Guy that pretended-- - I'm gonna explain all that.
#424
⇓
Look, um...
#425
⇓
I never got picked up by another university
#426
⇓
after the whole Harvard thing, okay?
#427
⇓
I've been living here, in my dead mom's apartment
#428
⇓
and I've been teaching at this high school, okay?
#429
⇓
I didn't tell you-- - Because--oh,
#430
⇓
because you're ashamed.
#431
⇓
- Yeah, something like that.
#432
⇓
Um, look, Devin is one of my students,
#433
⇓
and he's a good kid, okay? He didn't--
#434
⇓
He didn't set out to hurt you.
#435
⇓
I mentioned you a few times in my class, and I--
#436
⇓
Oh, oh, I get it.
#437
⇓
You talked about my cushy job at Stanford,
#438
⇓
my many awards, my numerous celebrity lovers,
#439
⇓
and Devin became obsessed with me.
#440
⇓
- Yeah, well, he's not really obsessed--
#441
⇓
- Devin wanted me to be his dad.
#442
⇓
Kind of sweet when you think about it.
#443
⇓
- Yeah, I wouldn't say he's obsessed--
#444
⇓
- Jack, you, you, Jack. You have nothing.
#445
⇓
But you live here, in the real world,
#446
⇓
with all--with real people.
#447
⇓
And maybe I need a bit more of that in my life.
#448
⇓
Maybe that's why I believe his cock-and-balls story
#449
⇓
too quickly. Oh, God.
#450
⇓
The trials and tribulations
#451
⇓
of fame and fortune, eh? - Oh, you--
#452
⇓
- Hey, uh, hello-- I've gotta go, mate.
#453
⇓
My ride's here. I can't--
#454
⇓
I can't leave Oprah's private jet waiting.
#455
⇓
Again.
#456
⇓
She was bloody livid last--
#457
⇓
Come on, come here.
#458
⇓
Beautiful sod.
#459
⇓
Jack, you know,
#460
⇓
maybe the question
#461
⇓
really is the answer.
#462
⇓
- Cheerio.
#463
⇓
Hello, mate.
#464
⇓
Airport, please.
#465
⇓
♪
#466
⇓
♪
#467
⇓
- So you're, uh,
#468
⇓
back in the good graces of that phony loser.
#469
⇓
Happy now?
#470
⇓
- Don't care.
#471
⇓
- Me neither.
#472
⇓
- Peace.
#473
⇓
♪
#474
⇓
- Miles. - Jacky boy, it's me.
#475
⇓
Fancy this.
#476
⇓
You have inspired me yet again.
#477
⇓
- That's great, Miles. Have fun now.
#478
⇓
- W-well, hang on, hang on. Hang on.
#479
⇓
I'm leaving Stanford.
#480
⇓
And I'd like you to take over for me.
#481
⇓
I mean, with my recommendation you would be a shoo-in.
#482
⇓
So, what do you reckon, mate?
#483
⇓
Fancy being the head of Philosophy at Stanford?
#484
⇓
♪
#485
⇓
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