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Home » A.P. Bio » S01E12 — Walleye

A.P. Bio

Season 1, Episode 12 — Walleye

TMDB episode metadata

Show: A.P. Bio

Episode title: Walleye

Air date: April 26, 2018

Director: Tristram Shapeero

Top billed cast: Glenn Howerton, Patton Oswalt, Lyric Lewis, Mary Sohn, Jean Villepique, Tom Bennett

Jack successfully convinces Miles that Devin is his illegitimate son; Durbin, Mary, Stef and Michelle clash on the Sadie Hawkins dance theme.

Source: TMDB

↓

.

↓

- All right, quickly finish shutting up, everybody.

everybody finish quickly shutting

↓

I have an awesome new Miles mission.

awesome miles miles-mission mission

↓

We're gonna make him a deadbeat dad.

deadbeat

↓

- Hold up, wouldn't he have to be a dad first?

↓

Dan, you're great at this class.

class

↓

- So I was looking for dirt on Miles,

dirt looking miles

↓

and I found an old photograph of us together

found photograph

↓

with this girl, Theresa, that he had a fling with.

fling girl theresa

↓

Now, if he had gotten her pregnant without realizing it,

gotten pregnant realizing

↓

then their child would now be,

child

↓

oh, about your age.

↓

What're you do-- Anthony?

anthony whatre

↓

Pass the photo around.

pass photo

↓

Well, look at it first.

↓

Never mind-- anyway--

mind

↓

One of you is gonna bring this photo to Miles

bring miles photo

↓

and say that that's your mom,

↓

and that you're his kid that he abandoned.

abandoned

↓

Voila. Deadbeat dad.

deadbeat

↓

And the best part is, you're gonna tell him this

best best-part part

↓

right before he walks on stage in Detroit for a TED Talk.

detroit stage walks

↓

It's gonna totally mess with his head.

head mess

↓

It's gonna ruin his presentation.

presentation ruin

↓

The only question that remains is,

question remains

↓

Which one of you can most convincingly

↓

play the role of Miles' kid?

miles role

↓

Let me see what you guys got.

↓

- I've missed you ever since I was a--

missed

↓

- Too slow. Too slow.

slow

↓

Okay, Heather. You're face to face with Miles.

face heather miles

↓

What're you gonna do?

whatre

↓

- Well, hey there, big daddy.

daddy

↓

- Nope. Mm-mm, wrong tone.

nope tone

↓

- Am I the only one who feels like making Miles think

feels miles

↓

he has a kid might be going a little too far?

might

↓

- Miles is lame.

lame miles

↓

He deserves everything that's coming to him.

coming deserves

↓

He's peddling these fake philosophies

fake

↓

to the ignorant masses and he knows better.

ignorant knows masses

↓

- Yes. Devin gets it.

devin

↓

This is exactly what I've been talking about.

↓

Okay, Devin. So...

devin

↓

Tell me how you break the news to him.

break news

↓

- Miles, you're my dad, and you suck.

miles suck

↓

- There's our guy, right there. The Prince of Darkness is back.

darkness prince

↓

I love it. I'm gonna need to confiscate

confiscate love

↓

that knife from you, though, bud.

knife

↓

Uh, I think I've let things get a little bit

↓

too loose around here.

loose

↓

Go ahead and finish crossing the A

ahead crossing finish go-ahead

↓

on your anarchy thing, though.

anarchy

↓

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

heart ramones

↓

- One, two, three, four!

four three three-four

↓

- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

heart

↓

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

smart

↓

♪

↓

- Hey, Ralphie.

ralphie

↓

- Hello, ladies.

ladies

↓

- We need you to sign off on the Sadie Hawkins Dance theme.

dance hawkins sadie sign theme

↓

We're doing '80s again, okay?

↓

Leg-warmers and side ponies, y'all.

ponies side warmers yall

↓

- Well, I don't know if you guys have noticed,

noticed

↓

but since Brenda and I separated,

brenda separated

↓

I have been doing my own thang.

thang

↓

- Oh!

↓

- That's why we came to you, Durb Daddy.

daddy

↓

- Thank you, but--but I was thinking that a good theme

theme thinking

↓

for the dance would be...

dance

↓

The movie "Congo."

congo movie

↓

Based on the Michael Crichton novel.

based michael novel

↓

It's got everything teens love.

love teens

↓

It's got gorillas, it's got lasers,

lasers

↓

it's got a character named Herkermer Homolka.

character named

↓

Oh. I've seen that look.

seen

↓

Got that look from Brenda for ten years.

brenda years

↓

She--

↓

She hated all my ideas too.

hated ideas

↓

- Um, it's just...

↓

Mary?

mary

↓

- Um, it's just, uh,

↓

obscure movies that no one's seen

movies obscure ones seen

↓

don't make great dance themes. - Mm-mm.

dance themes

↓

- I'm sorry-- You guys have never seen this?

seen

↓

Okay, guys, you gotta watch this, all right?

watch

↓

And--and if you still don't think it's a good idea

idea

↓

for a dance, then we won't do it.

dance

↓

- Okay, that's--that's fair. - Okay.

fair

↓

♪

↓

- Okay, all right, all right, listen.

↓

Get in there and rattle him.

rattle

↓

Rattle him good.

rattle

↓

♪

↓

- Uh, if you want a selfie, we're gonna have to be quick,

quick selfie

↓

'cause I've got an awful lot of people out there who--

awful

↓

- 17 years ago you had sex with my mom, which makes you my dad.

makes years

↓

Her? Oh.

↓

Theresa Cantrell is your mum?

theresa

↓

Theresa the teaser, we used to--

theresa used

↓

- I have a lot of complicated feelings,

complicated feelings

↓

and I'm sure you do as well.

↓

I gotta say, I feel, uh, pretty neglected.

neglected

↓

A little angry.

angry

↓

Sorry about the timing.

timing

↓

I hope it doesn't mess up your speech.

hope mess speech

↓

- A son.

↓

Oh, my goodness.

goodness

↓

My life just keeps getting better and better.

keeps life

↓

All right, let's have a look at you then.

↓

Oh, you're a big lad.

↓

Look at those eyes.

eyes

↓

Beautiful--They're mine.

↓

And you've got the forehead. You've--we've--got--

forehead

↓

You've got the same highly expressive forehead.

forehead highly

↓

Oh, my goodness me. - You're on.

goodness

↓

- Yeah, got it, right. I've gotta go and do the--

↓

And you wait here, and I'll be back.

↓

- Uh--

↓

Hello, Detroit! I have a son!

detroit

↓

Yeah!

↓

Well,

↓

Miles was unfazed.

miles

↓

- It's like the meaner you are to him, the nicer he is.

meaner nicer

↓

- What kind of a dork is thrilled to find out

dork thrilled

↓

that he's been saddled with an unwanted child?

child unwanted

↓

Ah, and that's him calling me right now.

calling

↓

Yeah? - Jack.

jack

↓

Hello, old mate.

mate

↓

Do you remember Theresa the teaser?

remember theresa

↓

- Mm-hmm. - Well, long story short,

short story story-short

↓

she had a baby, and now I have a son.

baby

↓

And you'll never guess, he lives in Toledo,

lives toledo

↓

your hometown,

hometown

↓

which is where I am right this minute.

minute

↓

Right now?

↓

.

↓

- So we watched the movie "Congo."

congo movie watched

↓

And it was good.

↓

It was very good. - Very good.

↓

Don't think, just answer.

answer

↓

- Easy, when the gorilla drinks a martini and burps.

burps drinks easy gorilla martini

↓

- Me too!

↓

- And while that is all very

↓

Um, I'm actually starting to think, just a little bit,

starting

↓

how would you turn that into a dance theme?

dance theme

↓

As much as I would love to.

love

↓

- Yeah, Durbin, it's like, What were you even picturing?

durbin picturing

↓

- How were you even gonna decorate, Ralph?

decorate ralph

↓

Take the jungle foliage sets

jungle sets

↓

from last year's production of "South Pacific"?

pacific production south years

↓

- Oh, my-- Guys, I'm--I'm seeing this.

seeing

↓

This could work. - Me too.

↓

I can't believe it.

believe

↓

I think we're all actually coming around to "Congo."

coming congo

↓

both: No!

↓

- Uh, stop it, Michelle.

michelle

↓

Sorry to hurt your feelings, Durbin,

durbin feelings hurt

↓

but "Congo" as the dance theme

congo dance theme

↓

is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

dumbest heard

↓

It's worse than Fish Week.

fish week worse

↓

- Brenda hated Fish Week.

brenda fish hated week

↓

She said it was "unsanitary nonsense."

nonsense

↓

But, I guess, all my ideas are bad,

ideas

↓

aren't they?

↓

You know, you guys, just do the '80s dance and--

dance

↓

just do whatever you want.

↓

[taps keys forcefully, vocalizes downtrodden tune]

keys taps tune

↓

- Guys, this is bad. He can't know that I live here.

live

↓

And he can't know that I teach high school.

school teach

↓

- You can always point out the fact

fact point

↓

that you don't teach anything.

teach

↓

- What kind of a twisted sicko just shows up

shows twisted

↓

to see his abandoned son?

abandoned

↓

So pathetic.

pathetic

↓

- Drives all the way here uninvited.

drives uninvited

↓

It's like he's so desperate for love.

desperate love

↓

- Yeah, yeah.

↓

You're right.

↓

He's desperate. We can use that.

desperate

↓

Okay, so, you need to embrace your relationship to Miles.

embrace miles relationship

↓

Make him really love you, and then--

love

↓

Reject him. Hard.

hard reject

↓

- And then we can see if old Miles can float.

float miles

↓

- Uh, too far, Prince of D.

prince

↓

Why don't we just stick to the emotional crushing?

crushing emotional stick

↓

- I don't know, I feel like the moral compass

moral

↓

is thumbs down on this one.

thumbs

↓

- Yeah, and I feel like I'm pretty thumbs down on you,

thumbs

↓

Marcus. - Great.

marcus

↓

- Okay, guys, I need some ideas for Miles bonding time.

bonding ideas miles

↓

What do you guys like to do with your parents around here?

parents

↓

- You know, the Toledo Walleye hockey games are fun.

fun games hockey toledo

↓

My family has season tickets.

family season tickets

↓

And I'm taking my little brother, Jeffy,

brother jeffy

↓

tomorrow night.

night tomorrow tomorrow-night

↓

- My man. Dan, that's perfect.

perfect

↓

Okay, so, Devin.

devin

↓

Tomorrow you'll go sightseeing with Miles after school.

miles school tomorrow

↓

And then, end the evening at a Walleye hockey game.

evening game hockey

↓

Ah, you know how to really set him up for rejection?

rejection

↓

Call him "Dad."

↓

Then it's time for the pièce de résistance.

↓

Tell him you want nothing to do with him.

↓

♪

↓

- Here's to our first Toledo hotdog.

toledo

↓

Cheers!

cheers

↓

♪

↓

I'm gonna need more of these.

↓

The archduke of Slovenia said, "Miles, if you'll not take

miles

↓

my daughter, please have these antique dueling pistols."

antique daughter dueling pistols

↓

♪

↓

Those poachers weren't coming back--

coming

↓

Ow.

↓

- ♪ Me and my man

↓

♪ Me and my main man

main

↓

♪ Me and my man

↓

- Oh, thank you.

↓

Look at us!

↓

Wow.

↓

That was so good, wasn't it? - Yeah.

↓

- Right, next, onto the game.

game

↓

♪

↓

Come on.

↓

crowd: Let's go, Walleyes. Let's go, Walleyes.

crowd

↓

- This is perfect.

perfect

↓

Matching father-son hats.

father hats matching

↓

- Did you know Miles has a set of antique dueling pistols?

antique dueling miles pistols

↓

- Don't get sucked into Miles' world, okay?

miles sucked world

↓

Stay focused.

focused

↓

Go give him the hats, play the dad card,

card hats

↓

break his heart. Go.

break heart

↓

- Ooh.

↓

- Oh, mate, amazing.

amazing mate

↓

A couple of matching fish bubble hats.

bubble couple fish hats matching

↓

Thank you.

↓

Yep.

↓

Oh, one question.

question

↓

What do I do with these bad boys?

boys

↓

Hey.

↓

Oh, what a couple of willies in a biscuit, then, eh?

biscuit couple willies

↓

- Look, Danny, it's me!

danny

↓

Look at that kid, he's amazing.

amazing

↓

- Dan, tell Jeffy to stop dancing.

dancing jeffy

↓

- Hey, you tell Jeffy to stop dancing.

dancing jeffy

↓

Because half these people come to the games

games half

↓

just to see Jeffy dance.

dance jeffy

↓

crowd: Let's go, Walleyes!

crowd

↓

crowd: Let's go, Walleyes!

crowd

↓

- It was truly breathtaking,

truly

↓

but I had no one to share it with.

share

↓

I've always wanted to do that.

wanted

↓

I heard it's covered in frozen corpses.

corpses covered frozen heard

↓

- Well, you can.

↓

Devin, you're-- you're a great lad,

devin

↓

and you deserve to see all the beautiful views

deserve views

↓

and corpses your-- your little heart desires.

corpses desires heart

↓

Oh, nearly. Nearly.

nearly

↓

It kills me to have to do this,

kills

↓

but I've got an early flight to catch back to Stanford.

catch early flight stanford

↓

Thank you for today. I've had...

today

↓

an amazing time, and...

amazing

↓

I'm never gonna forget today.

forget today

↓

- Thanks... Dad.

thanks

↓

- Huh.

↓

Come here, son.

↓

♪

↓

Cheers.

cheers

↓

Uh, sorry, guys, can I get out? Thank you, thank you.

↓

Buh-bye. Cheerio.

↓

- Hey, hey!

↓

Why didn't you tell him you hate him?

hate

↓

- I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin.

griffin

↓

I hesitated and ran out of time.

↓

Can we just get Miles some other way?

miles

↓

- No, there is no other way. This is the way.

↓

All right, come on, let's go.

↓

- Not yet. I don't wanna wake Jeffy.

jeffy wake

↓

- I literally have to do everything.

↓

All right, fine, give me Jeffy.

jeffy

↓

Come on. All right, Jeffy, let's go.

jeffy

↓

Come on, Jeffy.

jeffy

↓

Okay.

↓

All right.

↓

I'll figure out how to keep Miles in Toledo another day.

another figure miles toledo

↓

You figure out how to grow some balls, all right?

balls figure grow

↓

Finish him!

finish

↓

- Ah, okay, shh.

↓

It's all right. Come here, Jeffy.

jeffy

↓

.

↓

- Hello, Jack-o! - Miles-o.

jack miles

↓

Uh, how'd it go with your son?

howd

↓

It must've felt nice to say sorry for having missed

having missed mustve

↓

every significant event in his entire life,

entire entire-life event life significant

↓

you know, baseball games, recitals--

baseball baseball-games games

↓

Aw, his wobbly first step.

step wobbly

↓

- Well, I--I didn't exactly get a chance to

chance

↓

tell him all those things.

↓

- Ah, that's a shame.

shame

↓

I would've killed to hear my absentee father

father killed wouldve

↓

say sorry to me for missing all that stuff

missing stuff

↓

in my life, you know, in person.

life person

↓

My two cents?

cents

↓

I think it's worth, uh, sticking around one more day

sticking worth

↓

to tell him all that.

↓

- You know Jack, that is smarter than a seaman's cleats.

jack smarter

↓

- That can't be an actual British expression.

actual british expression

↓

- All right, cheerio, me old China.

china

↓

- Uh-oh. - D-D-Durbie Fully Loaded.

fully fully-loaded loaded

↓

- Let me guess, you guys are here to tell me

↓

that eating salty soup out of a cup

eating salty soup

↓

is another one of my bad ideas?

another ideas

↓

- No, Durbs, we're actually here to tell you

durbs

↓

that we are totally on board for "Congo."

board congo

↓

- Like you said before, it's a bad idea.

idea

↓

- We were talking about it and realized we're the only ones

ones realized

↓

who care about the dance theme.

care dance theme

↓

- Yeah.

↓

- The kids don't pay attention to the decorations.

attention decorations kids

↓

They just see them as something to hide behind

behind hide hide-behind

↓

so they can grab up on a butt.

butt grab

↓

- Mm-hmm, yeah, it makes no difference

difference makes

↓

whether they're honking on each other's little

honking others whether

↓

behind a jungle in the Congo, or a big '80s Rubik's Cube.

behind congo cube jungle

↓

- I mean, it's true.

↓

The--these dances are a full-on dog park.

dances full park

↓

- In every way.

↓

I found two poops last year.

found poops

↓

Human.

human

↓

- Ralph, we just wanna support you.

ralph support

↓

I mean, that means so much more to us than some theme.

theme

↓

- You guys are the best.

best

↓

Listen.

↓

Keep this under your hats, okay?

hats

↓

We don't want some other school stealing our theme.

school stealing theme

↓

- We are literally, um, never telling anyone about this.

telling

↓

Ever. Okay?

↓

- Uh, sorry to interrupt.

interrupt

↓

Is this

↓

Ah, hah, there he is.

↓

- Miles, what're you doing here?

miles whatre

↓

- Well, I--I realized that I never apologized to you,

apologized realized

↓

for missing out on-- well, I've missed--

missed missing

↓

Missing out on everything

missing

↓

until yesterday.

yesterday

↓

And I wanted to swear to you that I'm gonna make that right.

swear wanted

↓

Money's no object. You know, whatever it costs.

costs moneys object

↓

I'll fly backwards and forwards.

backwards

↓

Whatever it takes to-- to be your dad.

takes

↓

- I can't do this.

↓

You're not my dad. - No, I--

↓

completely understand that.

completely

↓

And I will work to earn that title.

earn title

↓

- No, I mean it, I'm not your son.

↓

- But we--we've got the same--

↓

Expressive forehead.

forehead

↓

- Well, actually, the forehead's not really

foreheads

↓

an identifying characteristic.

↓

- Okay, shh, bud. Who are you?

↓

- I didn't mean any of it.

↓

I'm sorry.

↓

Wha--I don't--

↓

Oh, I was excited about us. I--I felt...

excited

↓

I was gonna have a fuller life 'cause of you.

life

↓

And then...

↓

You're a monster.

monster

↓

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

Whoo! Holy crap, uh!

holy whoo

↓

Now, if I'm not mistaken,

mistaken

↓

that is a garbage can filled with Miles' puke.

filled garbage miles puke

↓

Yeah?

↓

And from what I was seeing, it's 'cause he's a broken man.

broken seeing

↓

Am I right? Okay.

↓

Well, then this calls for a celebration.

calls celebration

↓

Uh-uh! Whoo!

whoo

↓

We did it, baby. Oh, it was glorious, mmm.

baby glorious

↓

What's

↓

.

↓

I'm sorry, what is going on here?

↓

What-- What's the deal?

deal

↓

Guys, we--we succeeded. Let's celebrate!

celebrate

↓

- He's a good guy and we broke him.

broke

↓

For what?

↓

- For America!

america

↓

I don't know.

↓

What, are you trying to guilt me with your silence?

guilt silence

↓

That's not gonna work.

↓

Look, it's not like I don't know

↓

what you guys are thinking anyway, you know.

thinking

↓

Anthony's over there like,

anthonys

↓

I'm judgy Anthony.

anthony

↓

You know? Victor's sitting there like,

sitting victors

↓

I think this may have

↓

gotten out of hand, Mr. Griffin.

gotten griffin hand

↓

- I think it has.

↓

- And Marcus is like,

marcus

↓

At the risk of being

risk

↓

a permanent virgin, don't you think you should

permanent virgin

↓

come clean and tell Miles it wasn't Devin's fault?

clean fault miles

↓

And Sarika's like,

↓

I think I speak on behalf

behalf speak

↓

of all the nerds in the whole wide world

nerds whole whole-wide whole-wide-world wide wide-world world

↓

when I say you're a bad guy, Mr. Griffin.

griffin

↓

- Sarika's right, as usual.

usual

↓

- Come on, you guys. All of you are gonna be fine.

↓

Okay? Look at me, I'm fine. You know?

↓

I feel f-- I feel great, actually.

↓

I--I think, um...

↓

I think we did a--

↓

I think we did the world a-- a service today.

service today world

↓

Hmm?

↓

So you guys can sit there and stare at me all you want.

stare

↓

That's not gonna-- Not gonna make me feel guilty,

guilty

↓

if that's what you're going for, that's what I'm saying.

↓

I--I feel good.

↓

I'm gonna go piss.

piss

↓

♪

↓

Hey, Miles, hey.

miles

↓

- Whoa-ho, hey. Uh, Jack.

jack whoa

↓

Is that you?

↓

- Yes, it's me. Here in Toledo.

toledo

↓

- I don't understand. What are you doing here?

↓

'Cause I, I was here with my son--he's not my--

↓

He's just some-- - I know.

↓

- Guy that pretended-- - I'm gonna explain all that.

explain pretended

↓

Look, um...

↓

I never got picked up by another university

another picked university

↓

after the whole Harvard thing, okay?

harvard whole

↓

I've been living here, in my dead mom's apartment

apartment dead dead-moms living moms

↓

and I've been teaching at this high school, okay?

school teaching

↓

I didn't tell you-- - Because--oh,

↓

because you're ashamed.

ashamed

↓

- Yeah, something like that.

↓

Um, look, Devin is one of my students,

devin students

↓

and he's a good kid, okay? He didn't--

↓

He didn't set out to hurt you.

hurt

↓

I mentioned you a few times in my class, and I--

class mentioned times

↓

Oh, oh, I get it.

↓

You talked about my cushy job at Stanford,

stanford talked

↓

my many awards, my numerous celebrity lovers,

awards celebrity lovers numerous

↓

and Devin became obsessed with me.

became devin obsessed

↓

- Yeah, well, he's not really obsessed--

obsessed

↓

- Devin wanted me to be his dad.

devin wanted

↓

Kind of sweet when you think about it.

sweet

↓

- Yeah, I wouldn't say he's obsessed--

obsessed

↓

- Jack, you, you, Jack. You have nothing.

jack

↓

But you live here, in the real world,

live real real-world world

↓

with all--with real people.

real

↓

And maybe I need a bit more of that in my life.

life

↓

Maybe that's why I believe his cock-and-balls story

balls believe cock story

↓

too quickly. Oh, God.

quickly

↓

The trials and tribulations

trials

↓

of fame and fortune, eh? - Oh, you--

fame fortune

↓

- Hey, uh, hello-- I've gotta go, mate.

mate

↓

My ride's here. I can't--

rides

↓

I can't leave Oprah's private jet waiting.

private waiting

↓

Again.

↓

She was bloody livid last--

bloody

↓

Come on, come here.

↓

Beautiful sod.

↓

Jack, you know,

jack

↓

maybe the question

question

↓

really is the answer.

answer

↓

- Cheerio.

↓

Hello, mate.

mate

↓

Airport, please.

airport

↓

♪

↓

♪

↓

- So you're, uh,

↓

back in the good graces of that phony loser.

loser phony

↓

Happy now?

happy

↓

- Don't care.

care

↓

- Me neither.

↓

- Peace.

peace

↓

♪

↓

- Miles. - Jacky boy, it's me.

miles

↓

Fancy this.

fancy

↓

You have inspired me yet again.

inspired

↓

- That's great, Miles. Have fun now.

fun miles

↓

- W-well, hang on, hang on. Hang on.

hang

↓

I'm leaving Stanford.

leaving stanford

↓

And I'd like you to take over for me.

↓

I mean, with my recommendation you would be a shoo-in.

shoo

↓

So, what do you reckon, mate?

mate reckon

↓

Fancy being the head of Philosophy at Stanford?

fancy head philosophy stanford

↓

♪