Home » A P Bio » S01E13 — Drenching Dallas

A P Bio

Season 1, Episode 13 — Drenching Dallas

.

#1

⇓

- Okay, start to shut up, everybody.

#2

⇓

Here we go. Yeah.

#3

⇓

All right, come and get 'em, you dogs.

#4

⇓

You are now free to begin learning biology.

#5

⇓

Yeah, get 'em. Get 'em.

#6

⇓

Yeah, bunch of animals.

#7

⇓

You see, my plucky little cherubs,

#8

⇓

I am outta here.

#9

⇓

Yeah, our revenge mission was a success.

#10

⇓

Miles is leaving his post at Stanford,

#11

⇓

and I am to assume my rightful perch

#12

⇓

atop the philosophy department

#13

⇓

where my intellect will be worshiped by students

#14

⇓

that don't dry hump their pillows every night.

#15

⇓

- Uh, it's my understanding that an academic chair

#16

⇓

is more admin work than actual student time.

#17

⇓

- I'll miss you least of all, Scarecrow.

#18

⇓

- Does this mean we'll get an actual biology teacher?

#19

⇓

- Yes, yes, you're finally gonna be taught

#20

⇓

by someone who couldn't get into med school.

#21

⇓

Can you even?

#22

⇓

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

#23

⇓

- One, two, three, four!

#24

⇓

- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

#25

⇓

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

#26

⇓

♪

#27

⇓

- Gosh.

#28

⇓

Seems like only yesterday we were stumbling our way

#29

⇓

through our first Miles mission.

#30

⇓

Ah, so many good ones, you know.

#31

⇓

- I liked the planting-his-DNA- on-a-dead-body one.

#32

⇓

I still walk the Maumee River every morning

#33

⇓

looking for a floater.

#34

⇓

- I certainly enjoyed our online love affair.

#35

⇓

He still thinks I'm a 32-year-old named Linda.

#36

⇓

♪

#37

⇓

- Colin, will you go to the Sadie Hawkins dance with me?

#38

⇓

- Uh-huh. - Ya pranked!

#39

⇓

You really think that a drummer

#40

⇓

would go to a dance with a woodwind?

#41

⇓

♪

#42

⇓

- Wow. Man, they must have rehearsed the crap out of that.

#43

⇓

Now who's the chick with the strong sense of self?

#44

⇓

- Her name's Dallas. She's the worst.

#45

⇓

The whole drum corps is. - One time I yawned,

#46

⇓

and they threw my mashed potatoes in my mouth.

#47

⇓

- Now wait a second. Are you guys saying that

#48

⇓

the drum corps are the cool kids?

#49

⇓

'Cause that's nuts. - Well, they're above us

#50

⇓

on the hierarchy.

#51

⇓

The newspaper kids are above them.

#52

⇓

I'm not really sure who's at the top,

#53

⇓

but I'd like to think it's some kind of sex-having athlete.

#54

⇓

- No, no, no, no, no, look. Forget the whole

#55

⇓

food chain/hierarchy thing, okay.

#56

⇓

Have you guys absorbed nothing

#57

⇓

from all the missions that we've done?

#58

⇓

There's no greater pick-me-up

#59

⇓

than taking down somebody who's wronged you.

#60

⇓

- But, Mr. Griffin...

#61

⇓

She has a nose ring.

#62

⇓

- Forget the nose ring.

#63

⇓

Don't be intimidated by that.

#64

⇓

That's exactly what she wants.

#65

⇓

Now we're gonna get revenge on the drum corps.

#66

⇓

That's what we're gonna do. Yeah.

#67

⇓

I'm gonna pull you guys off the bottom of that food chain.

#68

⇓

- Technically, we're above the Russian kids.

#69

⇓

- Not for long. They're acclimating fast.

#70

⇓

- Commies.

#71

⇓

- This is a going away video for Jack.

#72

⇓

- Oh.

#73

⇓

Jack, I've never had the opportunity

#74

⇓

to say this to you face-to-face,

#75

⇓

but your penis is clearly visible

#76

⇓

through your sweatpants. Okay, have fun in Hollywood.

#77

⇓

Rewind. Freeze it.

#78

⇓

There. Do you see that?

#79

⇓

- Mm-mm. - Zoom in.

#80

⇓

- Okay.

#81

⇓

- Oh, my God.

#82

⇓

Is that a ghost? - Zoom in.

#83

⇓

Ooh.

#84

⇓

- No. - Mm-mm.

#85

⇓

We all agree that ghosts aren't real.

#86

⇓

both: Yeah. - All right.

#87

⇓

Let's just get back to editing. - Yeah, okay.

#88

⇓

Ah.

#89

⇓

- Well, good morning, beautiful songbird.

#90

⇓

You sound just like the loon that visited our lake house.

#91

⇓

- He died last summer.

#92

⇓

We're pretty sure that a power line got him.

#93

⇓

We found, like, a basket of ribs.

#94

⇓

Like, a charred-- - Helen, Helen, Helen, I--

#95

⇓

So, get this. I'm finally leaving Toledo.

#96

⇓

Yeah, I'm free.

#97

⇓

You've only been here three little months.

#98

⇓

- Yeah, I know. I know. - Aww.

#99

⇓

I once took a nap longer than that.

#100

⇓

Of course, I had just slammed into the straight side

#101

⇓

of a water ski ramp. - Uh-huh.

#102

⇓

- My eyes were open and I was talking, but I was dead.

#103

⇓

- As I was saying, um, yeah, I'm out of here.

#104

⇓

I'm gonna go head the Stanford philosophy department.

#105

⇓

I know.

#106

⇓

Yeah.

#107

⇓

- I'd say you're going to greener pastures,

#108

⇓

but California is on fire.

#109

⇓

- Okay. - Hey, when you leave,

#110

⇓

could I please have that big, fancy professor throne?

#111

⇓

- Professor thro-- oh, my massage chair?

#112

⇓

- Yes.

#113

⇓

Yeah, you could--you could really stand to relax.

#114

⇓

- Oh, thank you.

#115

⇓

- Ah. Hi, Ralph.

#116

⇓

- At first, I couldn't believe you were leaving.

#117

⇓

You know, and then I...

#118

⇓

took a sharp turn to anger.

#119

⇓

- Oh, did you punch a hole in the wall?

#120

⇓

- Oh, tha--no,

#121

⇓

I thought it'd be cool to have an office hammock.

#122

⇓

Then I found out the hard way that

#123

⇓

drywall does not support a human body.

#124

⇓

- Mm. - But now I've moved on

#125

⇓

to the third stage of grief;

#126

⇓

bargaining. Jack, I can offer you

#127

⇓

two parking spaces.

#128

⇓

Now, granted, they're not adjacent.

#129

⇓

- Let's see. Six-figure salary

#130

⇓

or a second floating parking spot.

#131

⇓

- Okay, I get it, Jack. All right?

#132

⇓

I want what's best for you too.

#133

⇓

Look, could you at least impart some words of Ivy League wisdom

#134

⇓

to the students at the hit '90s movie

#135

⇓

Congo-themed dance this Friday?

#136

⇓

That I can do.

#137

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Yeah. Maybe I'll teach 'em about deterministic living.

#138

⇓

Yeah. Or maybe just, uh...

#139

⇓

teach 'em about deodorant.

#140

⇓

- Ralph, the cash for gold guy is on line three.

#141

⇓

- Did you already take my chair, Helen?

#142

⇓

- Oh, I did. Oh, it's so comfortable.

#143

⇓

It's like my hind end is smiling from ear to ear.

#144

⇓

♪

#145

⇓

.

#146

⇓

- All right, everybody, what have we got

#147

⇓

for revenge against Dallas?

#148

⇓

- We could adjust her metronome

#149

⇓

so she drums slightly off tempo.

#150

⇓

- Hmm. That seems like your second

#151

⇓

bad idea of the day there, Colin.

#152

⇓

No, come on, guys. We need to go bigger.

#153

⇓

- Did you ever see the movie "Carrie"?

#154

⇓

We could stuff the ballot box so Dallas is voted queen.

#155

⇓

And then when she's on stage getting crowned,

#156

⇓

we can humiliate her by covering her...

#157

⇓

both: In pig's blood.

#158

⇓

- Yeah. Yeah. Whoo.

#159

⇓

Anybody else just get goose bumps?

#160

⇓

Yeah.

#161

⇓

- Where will we get pig's blood?

#162

⇓

- My dad's butcher shop. We have troughs of it.

#163

⇓

- Let's do it.

#164

⇓

Oh, you know what, guys, keep it going.

#165

⇓

I gotta take this call. It's Stanford.

#166

⇓

Man, it feels good to say that.

#167

⇓

Mm.

#168

⇓

Miles. - Jack, Jack.

#169

⇓

You'll never guess who I'm with.

#170

⇓

- Dean Richardson, hi. Love that tie.

#171

⇓

I'm digging it. - Well, thank you, Jack.

#172

⇓

This shade of red is Stanford Cardinal.

#173

⇓

- This guy.

#174

⇓

- Aw, fun, fun.

#175

⇓

Well, Jack, I'm on my way out, but we are really

#176

⇓

looking forward to having your with us.

#177

⇓

- You are gonna love having him.

#178

⇓

Jack and I are like the same soul

#179

⇓

in two separate bodies. - Yeah.

#180

⇓

- Well, Jack, I'm off.

#181

⇓

Hey.

#182

⇓

Jack, between you and I,

#183

⇓

Stanford are really scrutinizing

#184

⇓

their faculty's behavior at the moment.

#185

⇓

Turns out one of the English professors

#186

⇓

has been using his faculty website

#187

⇓

to sell ecstasy. - Wow.

#188

⇓

Seems like that's what the dean was on.

#189

⇓

Yeah.

#190

⇓

But, seriously, keep your nose clean

#191

⇓

for the next couple of days, all right,

#192

⇓

you saucy little mongoose.

#193

⇓

- Will do, you-- you fuzzy old, uh...

#194

⇓

- Go on. Do--what was it. - Nope.

#195

⇓

I'm not gonna do this.

#196

⇓

♪

#197

⇓

- Yo, you want to hear

#198

⇓

what we've got so far? - So we'll all go to the dance

#199

⇓

as a group- - Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

#200

⇓

Nope. No mas. No mas. Yeah.

#201

⇓

Turns out my Stanford job is on the line here, guys.

#202

⇓

So as much as it kills me to say this,

#203

⇓

I cannot douse a teenage girl in blood.

#204

⇓

I'm gonna be over here picking out my California bang pad,

#205

⇓

so it's time for you guys to nut up

#206

⇓

and do this on your own.

#207

⇓

All right? Let's see here.

#208

⇓

Bang pad.

#209

⇓

Bang pads.

#210

⇓

Oh, nope, nope, nope. That's not a good website.

#211

⇓

- Okay, so what should we use

#212

⇓

as background music for Jack's video?

#213

⇓

My vote is the "What a man, what a man,

#214

⇓

what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man" song.

#215

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- Michelle, that's too many "what a mans."

#216

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- I can't help it. I'm rattled.

#217

⇓

All I can think about is that ghost.

#218

⇓

- There has to be a easy explanation for it.

#219

⇓

It was a glare. - Yeah, plus ghosts only haunt

#220

⇓

places that they've died,

#221

⇓

and no one's ever died at Whitlock, so...

#222

⇓

- Unless you count Beehive Beverly

#223

⇓

who died of a headfire.

#224

⇓

- Oh, it's Whitlock legend.

#225

⇓

It was 1964

#226

⇓

and our Home Ec teacher,

#227

⇓

Beverly Sills, was a real tomboy.

#228

⇓

Now, that didn't set well with Principal Thorson.

#229

⇓

So he made her put her hair up into a beehive.

#230

⇓

And one fateful day,

#231

⇓

she was pulling out zucchini muffins from the oven

#232

⇓

and her beehive caught on fire

#233

⇓

and flash-melted down to the scalp.

#234

⇓

- Oh. - Some people say that

#235

⇓

she still roams these halls...

#236

⇓

Cursed to always wear a beehive.

#237

⇓

♪

#238

⇓

Ha!

#239

⇓

- So we'll rig the buckets of blood

#240

⇓

the day before in the gym.

#241

⇓

We'll get in there by crawling through the duct system.

#242

⇓

- This plan sucks. - Your attitude sucks.

#243

⇓

- Okay, dude, stop fighting. We need to figure out

#244

⇓

how to get into the gym. - The duct system!

#245

⇓

- Okay, guys, guys, guys. I'm not getting involved here.

#246

⇓

I'm just letting you know that every teacher

#247

⇓

keeps a master key in their top drawer,

#248

⇓

so steal it from them when they're not looking.

#249

⇓

- Bingo.

#250

⇓

.

#251

⇓

[Major Lazer's "Run Up" playing]

#252

⇓

- ♪ Yeah they thought that you was a shy girl ♪

#253

⇓

♪ Until I made you my girl

#254

⇓

♪ Girl you pushed me like a big button ♪

#255

⇓

♪ Till I cuffed you like you did somethin' ♪

#256

⇓

♪ You ain't gotta wait for it ♪

#257

⇓

♪ You ain't gotta wait for me to give you my love ♪

#258

⇓

♪ You ain't got to wait for it ♪

#259

⇓

♪ Things are gettin' sticky girl... ♪

#260

⇓

- Dudes, like, seriously, disperse.

#261

⇓

All right? Y'all looking shady as hell.

#262

⇓

♪

#263

⇓

- Well done, ladies.

#264

⇓

- Oh, God.

#265

⇓

- Durbs, put a bell on that collar.

#266

⇓

- Ooh, my hiccups are gone.

#267

⇓

- Hey, guys, I'm sorry to scare you,

#268

⇓

but how great is this? I mean, it's--

#269

⇓

this is like really being in the movie "Congo."

#270

⇓

- Durbadook, we have an issue.

#271

⇓

- Whitlock is haunted. - It's Beehive Beverly.

#272

⇓

- Guys, there's no such thing as Beehive Beverly.

#273

⇓

- So there's no Beehive--

#274

⇓

Let's--

#275

⇓

let's not say her name a third time though.

#276

⇓

You know, just in case.

#277

⇓

Silly. It's...

#278

⇓

- Whoa, we are definitely not gonna get the deposits back

#279

⇓

on these gorilla suits.

#280

⇓

This one smells like egg salad.

#281

⇓

Oh, boy. Hello, everyone.

#282

⇓

The king and queen of the Sadie Hawkins "Congo" Dance

#283

⇓

Inspired by the Movie

#284

⇓

Based on the Book by Michael Crichton...

#285

⇓

The winners are:

#286

⇓

Dallas Chaffee and Joshua McLees.

#287

⇓

Get your butts up here.

#288

⇓

Good job.

#289

⇓

♪

#290

⇓

- Yes, congratulations, Dallas and Joshua!

#291

⇓

♪

#292

⇓

- Wow.

#293

⇓

♪

#294

⇓

Why isn't it working?

#295

⇓

Pull harder. - I'm trying.

#296

⇓

It must be stuck.

#297

⇓

- Is everybody having fun in the Lost City of Zinj?

#298

⇓

♪ Amy love "Congo" movie

#299

⇓

- None of us get that.

#300

⇓

- We have not seen film. Get to point.

#301

⇓

- Wow, even the-- even the Russian kids.

#302

⇓

You are acclimating quickly. Well, without further ado,

#303

⇓

I would like to introduce our keynote speaker.

#304

⇓

Please welcome my ex-roomie, Mr. Jack Griffin.

#305

⇓

- All right, guys. Oh.

#306

⇓

Okay. Hi.

#307

⇓

I guess my message to you is pretty simple.

#308

⇓

Um, you gotta get out of Toledo.

#309

⇓

Just get the hell out of here any way you can.

#310

⇓

I got out using my good looks and my wit and my charm,

#311

⇓

but you guys don't have that,

#312

⇓

so you'll have to come up with something else.

#313

⇓

- You know, you could join a circus.

#314

⇓

Yeah, that could be cool.

#315

⇓

I know those gypsies tend to hire, you know, their own,

#316

⇓

but you could marry in. Yeah, that's one way in.

#317

⇓

Maybe you wouldn't even have to work at the circus.

#318

⇓

You could just, you know-- you'd make dinner

#319

⇓

for when the gypsy comes home. Just, you know, keep 'em happy.

#320

⇓

Otherwise, they'll steal your baby.

#321

⇓

It's been a lot of fun,

#322

⇓

but I'm sure, sure glad to be leaving this damn place.

#323

⇓

Uh, okay. See ya.

#324

⇓

- Okay, uh, well...

#325

⇓

gypsy's, I think, are an unjustly maligned group.

#326

⇓

They gave us the tambourine.

#327

⇓

And if you ask me, Toledo is a great place to live.

#328

⇓

Jack, the ladies have put together

#329

⇓

a little bon voyage surprise gift for you,

#330

⇓

so take it away, ladies. All right.

#331

⇓

- Thank you, Durbs.

#332

⇓

Oh, Harvard Jack, we're gonna miss you.

#333

⇓

We made you this hella tight good-bye video,

#334

⇓

but we just wanted to give the audience a quick warning.

#335

⇓

If you see something behind Coach,

#336

⇓

it's definitely not a ghost. - Mm-hmm.

#337

⇓

Yeah, actually, 90% sure it's not a ghost

#338

⇓

because there is no such thing.

#339

⇓

- Uh, probably not.

#340

⇓

Definitely not...

#341

⇓

Because they're probably not real.

#342

⇓

Definitely. The only thing we know is,

#343

⇓

we don't know what we don't know.

#344

⇓

It's most likely nothing...

#345

⇓

- Miles, my main man, how's it going?

#346

⇓

- Hey, mate, I wish I could say tip-top... lollipop,

#347

⇓

but it's far from that. I'm screwed.

#348

⇓

I'm still waiting for all the details, but

#349

⇓

during the faculty sweep,

#350

⇓

Stanford traced the IP address

#351

⇓

of my cyber sweetie Linda...

#352

⇓

to a high school.

#353

⇓

Turns out, I've been speaking to a 16-year-old online.

#354

⇓

And I've gotta go on Oprah tomorrow

#355

⇓

and try and explain all of that.

#356

⇓

I'm done.

#357

⇓

- Wow, yeah, no that's bad. That's bad.

#358

⇓

You know, what can I say? You know, some people

#359

⇓

make bad decisions purely of their own accord

#360

⇓

and, you know, they get punished.

#361

⇓

- No, sorry, Jack, you don't understand.

#362

⇓

This is bad for you as well, I'm afraid.

#363

⇓

I recommended you, so...

#364

⇓

Stanford's revoking the offer.

#365

⇓

I'm tainted,

#366

⇓

and I've tainted you.

#367

⇓

I've tainted you bad.

#368

⇓

Stanford doesn't want you anymore.

#369

⇓

♪

#370

⇓

- When you see the thing behind Coach,

#371

⇓

just know that you don't know what that is,

#372

⇓

and it's probably nothing.

#373

⇓

- Because after all, if it was a ghost,

#374

⇓

okay, I'm sure we would have seen a sign by now.

#375

⇓

♪

#376

⇓

- Hell no!

#377

⇓

[overlapping shouting and screaming]

#378

⇓

- Everybody stay calm!

#379

⇓

Oh, God!

#380

⇓

♪

#381

⇓

♪

#382

⇓

♪ It's the end of radio

#383

⇓

♪

#384

⇓

.

#385

⇓

[Roger Miller's "The Last Word in Lonesome is Me"]

#386

⇓

♪

#387

⇓

- ♪ The last word

#388

⇓

♪ In lonesome is me

#389

⇓

♪ The last word

#390

⇓

♪ In Lonesome is me...

#391

⇓

♪

#392

⇓

- No, we're still trying to figure out who did it.

#393

⇓

No, I'm fine. It was just--

#394

⇓

it was really scary.

#395

⇓

Okay. Okay. Bye, Mom.

#396

⇓

Jack, have a seat.

#397

⇓

Uh, I am not a man who likes to beg,

#398

⇓

but I'm really good at it,

#399

⇓

and, uh, I am begging you.

#400

⇓

Please, please, stay at Whitlock.

#401

⇓

Okay, I can offer you the two parking spaces from earlier,

#402

⇓

a BOGO certificate to the school store,

#403

⇓

and... uh...

#404

⇓

a surge protector.

#405

⇓

- Okay.

#406

⇓

- Sure, Ralph. I'll stay.

#407

⇓

- We're--yes!

#408

⇓

Oh, my God, this totally makes up

#409

⇓

for the literal bloodbath that went down on my watch.

#410

⇓

Come on.

#411

⇓

Just one second.

#412

⇓

- ♪ The last word

#413

⇓

♪ In lonesome is me

#414

⇓

♪ The last word...

#415

⇓

♪ In lonesome is me

#416

⇓

♪ My hearts is a--

#417

⇓

- But we were rid of you.

#418

⇓

- Nope.

#419

⇓

The dean of Stanford found out about

#420

⇓

our Miles-Catfish mission

#421

⇓

and it came back to bite me in the ass,

#422

⇓

so...it's over.

#423

⇓

I'm stuck here.

#424

⇓

- Wow, it's almost Shakespearean.

#425

⇓

You ruined yourself.

#426

⇓

- You know what might cheer you up?

#427

⇓

A little revenge.

#428

⇓

Maybe we could do a good old fashion Miles mission?

#429

⇓

- Oh, yeah, I don't know if you saw,

#430

⇓

but Miles' Oprah interview went really well,

#431

⇓

and he's about to get his own show on her network.

#432

⇓

- Don't care.

#433

⇓

I'll just pop one of these Advil PMs

#434

⇓

and go to sleep.

#435

⇓

Let's see if we can make today...

#436

⇓

become tomorrow.

#437

⇓

- You said, "There's no greater pick me up

#438

⇓

than taking down someone who's wronged you,"

#439

⇓

but now you're just gonna sit there and do nothing?

#440

⇓

- Yep.

#441

⇓

- All right, what is one quality that Miles has

#442

⇓

that Mr. Griffin doesn't?

#443

⇓

He's British.

#444

⇓

Which means he can get deported.

#445

⇓

And what's the number one reason people get deported?

#446

⇓

Exotic animal smuggling.

#447

⇓

All we have to do is get illegal exotic animals,

#448

⇓

put them in his house, call the feds,

#449

⇓

and, boom, he's deported.

#450

⇓

- Where would you get the animals?

#451

⇓

- Yo, my sketchy neighbor breeds snakes.

#452

⇓

Yeah, he's always trying to sell his python eggs.

#453

⇓

- Hmm.

#454

⇓

You know...

#455

⇓

guys, there could be something to this.

#456

⇓

Give me that.

#457

⇓

While we're on takedowns.

#458

⇓

I'm putting that Stanford dean on the list.

#459

⇓

Fricking hyena.

#460

⇓

- Oh, if we're making a list,

#461

⇓

can we put my karate teacher on it?

#462

⇓

- He laughed

#463

⇓

when I fell doing my roundhouse kick.

#464

⇓

- Guy does sound sucky.

#465

⇓

- The dictator at CVS

#466

⇓

won't let me buy more than seven lighters.

#467

⇓

- Sure, let's get him. He's toast.

#468

⇓

Oh, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, this should go without saying,

#469

⇓

but, uh, we're back to being a no-bio zone.

#470

⇓

Why don't you go ahead and toss that puppy in here, Sarika.

#471

⇓

Let's go.

#472

⇓

Yep. There we go.

#473

⇓

Yeah.

#474

⇓

All right, now we're cooking. What else we got?

#475

⇓

- My grandpa insists on cutting my hair.

#476

⇓

- Oh, that's no good.

#477

⇓

- My dentist is making me get braces,

#478

⇓

but I don't think I need them.

#479

⇓

Keep 'em coming. Who else?

#480

⇓

- Coach Novak for making me do pushups.

#481

⇓

- The lunch lady with the beard.

#482

⇓

- Denzel Washington, but also just to meet him.

#483

⇓

- Denzel. - The kid in the cafeteria

#484

⇓

who keeps flicking my nipples.

#485

⇓

- ♪ Breakin' rocks in the hot sun ♪

#486

⇓

♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

#487

⇓