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Home » A.P. Bio » S01E11 — Eight Pigs and a Rat

A.P. Bio

Season 1, Episode 11 — Eight Pigs and a Rat

TMDB episode metadata

Show: A.P. Bio

Episode title: Eight Pigs and a Rat

Air date: April 19, 2018

Director: Carrie Brownstein

Top billed cast: Glenn Howerton, Patton Oswalt, Lyric Lewis, Mary Sohn, Jean Villepique, Tom Bennett

When one of Jack's students anonymously reports him for canceling their much-anticipated fetal pig dissection, he sets out to find the snitch. Durbin's chances at Principal of the Year are in jeopardy when the superintendent visits.

Source: TMDB

↓

.

↓

- My girl Oprah coming through with

coming girl oprah

↓

yet another dope rec.

another dope

↓

- I know they say don't judge a book by its cover, but

book cover judge

↓

this book jacket got me feeling some kind of way.

book feeling jacket

↓

- I got so flushed reading the "about the author" that

author flushed reading

↓

when Keith came home, I threw the book in my naughty drawer.

book drawer home keith naughty threw

↓

Both: Ooh. - Get it, Michelle.

michelle

↓

- Well, my naughty drawer's just really actually

drawers naughty

↓

Keith's normal underwear drawer.

drawer keiths normal underwear

↓

Nothing gets my pizza oven fired up

fired oven pizza

↓

quite like my hubby's undies.

undies

↓

- Ooh, I respect that you know what works for you.

respect works

↓

- Yeah. - Yes.

↓

- Jack, you're always reading in here.

jack reading

↓

Want to join our book club?

book book-club club join

↓

- Oh, you should.

↓

We're reading "The Question Is the Answer"

answer question reading

↓

by this hot buttered crumpet named Miles Leonard.

buttered leonard miles miles-leonard named

↓

both: Ooh.

↓

- I think you would like it, Jack.

jack

↓

It's philosophy, but there's, like, a point to it.

philosophy point

↓

- And how, pray tell, did you come by

pray

↓

this fine piece of literature?

literature piece

↓

- It was Oprah's book club pick this month.

book book-club club month pick

↓

She says the best place to read it is, quote...

best place quote read

↓

"on a beach that you own."

beach

↓

- Okay.

↓

- And you just follow along blindly, huh?

along blindly follow

↓

Is that it?

↓

Well, listen to me, and listen well, okay?

↓

Philosophy is not a popularity contest, okay?

contest philosophy popularity

↓

It is a precise and rigorous expression

expression precise

↓

of universal truths.

truths

↓

Yeah? It's not about

↓

who's "getting good buzz" and who's on TV

buzz

↓

on the stupid Oprah sho-- you know what?

oprah stupid

↓

You've ruined my empanada!

ruined

↓

- Damn, could've just said no.

couldve

↓

Oh, you're in a bad mood. Cool beans.

beans cool mood

↓

I'll tell you later.

↓

- What are you gonna tell him later, Ralph?

ralph

↓

Is it a private medical thing?

medical private

↓

- No, he does not let me

↓

share that stuff with him.

share stuff

↓

But, ladies,

ladies

↓

I am a finalist for Innovative Principal of the Year.

innovative principal

↓

- Oh, my God! - Oh, I'm so proud!

proud

↓

- A little bit awesome.

awesome

↓

Just a little bit of good news during a rough year,

news rough

↓

you know, with my marriage collapsing and...

collapsing marriage

↓

- Uh, boo. No, please.

↓

Durbs, don't bum us out while we're trying to dance.

dance durbs

↓

- Okay, you guys, well, while I have you on pause,

pause

↓

this superintendent and her crew

crew superintendent

↓

are coming tomorrow to observe the school and me.

coming observe school tomorrow

↓

So if each of you could put together

↓

an out-of-the-box presentation,

presentation

↓

something big, something memorable,

memorable

↓

something tied into your subject...

subject tied

↓

- Mm-hmm. - Would really appreciate it.

appreciate

↓

- Ohh, I know what I'ma do.

↓

- Girl, I'm not telling.

girl telling

↓

You gotta get your own thing.

↓

- Ooh, we got you, Durb.

↓

We got you. - Oh, I love it. I love it.

love

↓

And if I win, I'm gonna take you all to Bennigan's.

↓

- Hit it out the park!

park

↓

- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

heart

↓

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

smart

↓

♪

↓

- We definitely shouldn't open it. Right?

open

↓

I'm going for it.

↓

Fetal pigs!

fetal pigs

↓

- Oh, my God.

↓

- This is so great.

↓

I've been waiting my whole life to dissect a fetal pig.

fetal life waiting whole whole-life

↓

- Mr. Griffin must be

griffin must

↓

rewarding us for being good little angels.

angels rewarding

↓

Everything's starting to go my way.

everythings starting

↓

- Think these pigs went to Hell?

pigs

↓

- Looks like there's only eight.

eight

↓

Eight piggy presents.

eight piggy presents

↓

We're gonna have to pair up.

pair

↓

- Oh. - Oh, okay.

↓

- Hey, Dan. You want to team up?

team

↓

My dad owns a butcher shop, so

butcher owns shop

↓

I know my way around the inside of a pig.

↓

- Uh, yeah, I'm down.

↓

- Where does Oprah even got off

oprah

↓

endorsing Miles' book?

book miles

↓

It's insane. Unbelievable.

insane unbelievable

↓

It's got Stedman written all over it.

written

↓

That's who it was.

↓

Get out--

↓

- Oh, I set up a Google Alert so we can stay on top of Miles.

alert google miles

↓

Printed that out for you, boss. - Oh.

boss printed

↓

Well, thank you, Heather. Nice.

heather

↓

What is that god Is that meth?

meth

↓

I swear, the wind blows the wrong way in Ohio

blows ohio swear wind

↓

you get that meth whiff.

meth whiff

↓

- The fetal pigs are here.

fetal pigs

↓

We've already paired up and

↓

we'll dissect them really quietly.

quietly

↓

You wouldn't even have to do anything.

↓

- Absolutely not.

absolutely

↓

You guys are not doing a lab in my class.

class

↓

- But we've been good little angels.

angels

↓

- No, you know what we've got here?

↓

A Miles mission.

miles miles-mission mission

↓

- Please let us dissect them, Mr. Griffin.

griffin

↓

- Yeah, boss, you know how much I love sticking it to Miles,

boss love miles sticking

↓

but this kind of means a lot.

↓

- This is literally all I've got.

↓

- I'm sorry. What I'm gonna do is

↓

take these little piglets, and I'm gonna send them to Miles.

miles send

↓

Totally freak him out. It's a truly perfect Miles mission.

freak miles miles-mission mission perfect truly

↓

Feels like it's missing a twist.

feels missing twist

↓

- Uh, Marcus, shut up. It's--it's a solid plan.

marcus plan solid

↓

- Yeah, I don't know, Mr. Griffin,

griffin

↓

I feel like maybe this needs a twist.

needs twist

↓

Twist. Yeah, good point, Dan.

point twist

↓

- I said it, twist... - This could use a twist.

twist

↓

All right, let me go think about this.

↓

Twist, yeah. Have a good night, dudes.

dudes night twist

↓

♪

↓

♪

↓

- Go for Chops.

chops

↓

- Chops, it's Jack.

chops jack

↓

Our task rabbit's all set.

rabbits task

↓

The box of pigs should arrive today,

arrive pigs today

↓

along with the T-shirt cannon,

along cannon shirt

↓

which really brings the whole plan to life.

brings life plan whole whole-plan

↓

I need you to fire in the direction of Miles Leonard,

direction fire leonard miles miles-leonard

↓

whose address I've included.

address included

↓

Really terrify him.

↓

- Can I just say this is, like, straight-up

straight

↓

the sickest task I've ever had to rabbit.

rabbit task

↓

So, like, you're giving me life right now, you feel me?

giving life

↓

- Yeah, just get it done.

↓

A quick word?

quick word

↓

- Yeah. - ...fire that.

fire

↓

And then we'll just, like, ghost on that.

ghost

↓

Hello? Hello?

↓

- Well, I--I'm not really sure.

↓

Overnight, I got this anonymous note

anonymous note overnight

↓

saying that you had cancelled the fetal pig dissection.

cancelled dissection fetal

↓

- Who sent you this absurd accusation?

absurd accusation sent

↓

- Regardless of who sent it, is it true?

regardless sent

↓

No.

↓

Why--why--why would I cancel the dissection, man?

cancel dissection

↓

- I don't know, but it would be really bad timing

timing

↓

because the superintendent's coming.

coming

↓

Why?

↓

- It's--I--

↓

well, I'm up for Innovative Principal of the Year.

innovative principal

↓

You didn't know that?

↓

- Listen, I planned to end her tour

planned tour

↓

with a live fetal pig dissection

dissection fetal live

↓

by a former Harvard professor.

former harvard professor

↓

- Wait, so she's coming to my class?

class coming

↓

Tomorrow? To observe?

observe tomorrow

↓

- Yeah. Oh, I can't wait.

↓

I still can't for the life of me

life

↓

figure out what this note means.

figure note

↓

- Well, I'll tell you what it means.

↓

You got pranked, my friend.

friend pranked

↓

But I'm gonna find out who the culprit is.

culprit

↓

Believe me, yeah.

believe

↓

Look at me, Ralph.

ralph

↓

I'm gonna kill whoever pranked you.

kill pranked

↓

- We're not supposed to kill the students.

kill students supposed

↓

- Shh.

↓

Hey, it's Jack. Call me back.

jack

↓

I need you to return the dead pigs.

dead pigs return

↓

I repeat, do not blast the dead baby pigs

baby blast dead pigs repeat

↓

at my British nemesis.

british nemesis

↓

What?

↓

We have a rat.

↓

♪

↓

.

↓

Oh, and you'll see what I mean, too.

↓

- Uh-huh. Yes.

↓

Oh--oh, well, I am so sorry to hear about your catastrophe.

catastrophe

↓

Yes, Principal Durbin will be there on Wednesday to help.

durbin principal principal-durbin wednesday

↓

Yes, and he--he will bring clean water to your village.

bring clean village water

↓

Uh-huh. For sure.

↓

All right, Thursday at the latest.

latest thursday

↓

Take care. Bye.

care

↓

Superintendent Bullard!

superintendent

↓

You look smooth.

smooth

↓

- Ellen. Always a pleasure.

ellen pleasure

↓

- We're so dal-gone excited for you to be here and...

excited gone

↓

I gotta say...

↓

You find me a better guy

↓

than Principal Durbin and I will find you

durbin principal principal-durbin

↓

a guy who is on, like, Seal Team Six or something,

seal team

↓

because that is the guy!

↓

Hey, oh, they took your doo-hickies off.

↓

Yeah, uh, I'm fully ambulatory now.

fully

↓

- Oh, congrats. - Good Christ, Helen.

christ congrats helen

↓

Superintendent Bullard,

superintendent

↓

I--I am so excited to show you around.

excited

↓

- We're excited to see

excited

↓

the innovative school you've created.

created innovative school

↓

- Oh, well, our teachers think outside the box,

teachers

↓

so brace yourself.

brace

↓

Mm.

↓

Sorry.

↓

- Oh, you think you got me, huh?

↓

One of you rats me out,

rats

↓

you're all sitting there thinking,

sitting thinking

↓

"I got him. I won."

↓

Well, know this.

↓

I won't be made to look like a fool

fool

↓

in front of anyone.

front

↓

Certainly not some

certainly

↓

Midwest superintendent with a degree from a

degree midwest superintendent

↓

religious liberal arts college.

arts college liberal religious

↓

♪

↓

Now, one of you is gonna come forward and confess,

confess forward

↓

or you're all missing your next class.

class missing

↓

♪

↓

Now, one of you sinned.

sinned

↓

Ya sinned real bad.

real sinned

↓

Anything you want to admit, Vic?

admit

↓

- I got a boner when we learned CPR.

boner learned

↓

- Oh. Gross.

gross

↓

How'd your partner feel about that?

howd partner

↓

- Well, I think she, like-- - Never mind, I--

mind

↓

Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

↓

♪

↓

I've got all the time in the world, guys.

world

↓

♪

↓

Looks like I'm gonna have to turn up the heat.

heat

↓

♪

↓

This is Stef Duncan,

duncan stef

↓

a phenomenal history teacher

history teacher

↓

who endeavors to prove that if we're not careful,

careful prove

↓

the past can become the future.

become future past

↓

- Thank you, Principal Durbin.

durbin principal principal-durbin

↓

All right, now the year is A.D. 79.

↓

I now present...

present

↓

Mount Vesuvius.

mount

↓

Oh, Vesuvius.

↓

I'm sure everything's gonna be okay.

everythings

↓

Or will it?

↓

♪

↓

- Oh, no. What is this, lava?

lava

↓

"Ow, mama, my toga's burning."

burning mama

↓

"Oh, my God, I'm dying."

dying

↓

"Too much lava."

lava

↓

What about the horses?

horses

↓

"Oh, no, my sandals."

sandals

↓

I'll ask you nicely

nicely

↓

one more time.

↓

Are you the rat?

↓

- Oh, God, please, stop.

↓

♪

↓

- Admit it was you or your bio textbook gets it.

admit textbook

↓

♪

↓

Huh? Fine.

↓

Guess we'll never know the definition of...

definition

↓

"heterozygous advantage."

advantage

↓

Redacted.

↓

- I don't know anything!

↓

- You know everything!

↓

♪

↓

- That was the most devastating moment of my entire life.

devastating entire entire-life life moment

↓

Girl, you need to read Anne Frank.

anne frank girl read

↓

- When you think of art,

↓

think of the three important M's:

three

↓

Manet, Monet, and Mar-ray.

↓

And who's Mar

↓

Why, it's art teacher extraordinaire

teacher

↓

Mary Wagner.

mary

↓

Art is a feast

feast

↓

that you cook in your mind oven

cook mind oven

↓

and serve on your heart plate.

heart plate serve

↓

I like art.

↓

Take it away, Mary.

mary

↓

- Thank you, Principal Durbin.

durbin principal principal-durbin

↓

Art is beautiful.

↓

Art is intense.

intense

↓

It's provocative. It's subversive.

↓

And sometimes it can be...

sometimes

↓

explosive.

explosive

↓

Okay.

↓

♪

↓

- I added sparkles.

added sparkles

↓

Ya welcome.

welcome

↓

♪

↓

♪

↓

- Louder.

louder

↓

Jazzier.

↓

♪

↓

You can stop this at any moment.

moment

↓

You know, people say they like jazz, but they don't.

jazz

↓

They don't.

↓

Less discernible melody!

less melody

↓

Yeah. You guys like that?

↓

Can't pick out any of the notes.

notes pick

↓

That's great, man. That sucks.

sucks

↓

.

↓

- Unlike other schools, where they

schools unlike

↓

dress up like broccoli and rap about diet,

diet dress

↓

we here at Whitlock treat health like a real class.

class health real treat whitlock

↓

Take it away, Mrs. Jones.

jones

↓

- Don't tell me what to do.

↓

You're not my dad!

↓

I have a crush on the track captain

captain crush track

↓

and I'm addicted to e-cigarettes!

addicted cigarettes

↓

That's what it's like to be a teenager.

teenager

↓

So many emotions bottled up,

emotions

↓

and you have to express them all in a healthy way,

express healthy

↓

even the negative ones.

negative ones

↓

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Jones.

jones

↓

- Or what can happen is...

happen

↓

- Oh, my God.

↓

- A volcano!

volcano

↓

Ooh.

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

♪

↓

- Unless the rat comes forward,

comes forward

↓

I will pick a phone at random

phone pick random

↓

and start reading your search history out loud.

history loud reading search start

↓

- Just to get ahead of it,

ahead

↓

"ISIS" is also the name of a junior women's bowling league.

bowling isis junior league name womens

↓

♪

↓

- Hey, that's mine, dude.

↓

And I'm not giving you my passcode.

giving

↓

That's too bad.

↓

Who is the rat?

↓

♪

↓

Yello? - Jack attack.

attack jack yello

↓

Got your message. Bad news though, papi.

message news

↓

The pigs are already gone.

gone pigs

↓

Was he freaked? - Uh, no dude.

freaked

↓

So it turns out the cannon is kind of specifically

cannon specifically turns

↓

calibrated for one type of ammunition.

type

↓

And that ammunition is T-shirts

shirts

↓

and is not pigs.

pigs

↓

So I tried to fire pigs out of it.

fire pigs tried

↓

They kind of just 'sploded on the inside of it.

↓

- Okay, so you're telling me that the mission failed

failed mission telling

↓

and the pigs are destroyed?

destroyed pigs

↓

- I mean, I don't like to think of it...

↓

- Did you say the pigs are destroyed?

destroyed pigs

↓

We can't do the lab?

↓

- Heather, relax.

heather relax

↓

- It was me.

↓

I'm the rat!

↓

Why didn't you say that an hour ago before he threw my phone?

hour phone threw

↓

- I mean-- Dave, this does nothing for me.

dave

↓

Do you understand that?

↓

You went with your first thought.

↓

- But I'm the geology teacher.

teacher

↓

I'm the only one it makes sense for.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

- You boned me, Dave. Go take a lap.

boned dave

↓

Yeah. Go.

↓

- Eh.

↓

- Don't "eh" me.

↓

- Kfft.

↓

- And don't "kfft" either.

↓

- Ralph.

ralph

↓

We just wanted to say

wanted

↓

we're really sorry we let you down.

↓

- Why did you all do the same thing?

↓

- Well, we didn't plan to, but we all

plan

↓

learned how to make volcanoes at the same

learned

↓

teachers' conference last summer.

conference summer teachers

↓

all: Ohio Teach-tastic!

ohio tastic teach

↓

- Yes, and it all was a hit for the teachers there,

teachers

↓

so we figured that it would help you win.

figured

↓

But I really need

↓

Jack to nail this dissection tomorrow.

dissection jack nail tomorrow

↓

I mean, he and Coach and basically my last hope.

coach hope

↓

- Make way for the volleyball-cano!

volleyball

↓

Ralph.

ralph

↓

- I can't believe Heather was the rat.

believe heather

↓

Stay here, guys. I'ma go take care of this.

care

↓

- If Mr. Griffin can't get the pigs back,

griffin pigs

↓

how are we gonna perform the dissection

dissection perform

↓

in front of the superintendent tomorrow?

front superintendent tomorrow

↓

- We won't.

↓

He'll make a fool out of himself.

fool

↓

And then we'll get a new teacher by Monday.

monday teacher

↓

Heather's a genius.

genius

↓

♪

↓

- What in the hell are you doing?

↓

You know, I'm the one who should be mad.

↓

You betrayed me.

betrayed

↓

- You ruined everything!

ruined

↓

- The hell are you talking about?

↓

You wrote the note.

note wrote

↓

And by the way, this is Michelle's car.

↓

Mine's across the lot.

mines

↓

- God, you don't get it!

↓

You ruined my shot with Dan.

ruined shot

↓

- Before you cancelled the lab, me and Dan were partnered up.

cancelled

↓

We were gonna spend the whole week

spend week whole whole-week

↓

carving up pigs and falling for each other.

carving falling pigs

↓

- Hold on a second. So you betrayed me

betrayed second

↓

for some stupid high school crush?

crush school stupid

↓

- This was my chance to show him something

chance

↓

that I'm really good at.

↓

And now you screwed it all up.

screwed

↓

- Yeah, well now we're both screwed,

screwed

↓

'cause I gotta go find something else to dissect

↓

or, thanks to you, I'm gonna look like a fool tomorrow.

fool thanks tomorrow

↓

You know, I might have hurt you on accident,

accident hurt might

↓

but you hurt me on purpose.

hurt purpose

↓

♪

↓

.

↓

- All right, everyone shut up.

↓

Uh, apologies in advance

advance apologies

↓

for the brutal condition of this squirrel.

brutal condition squirrel

↓

Didn't really have--

↓

All right, what's the story here?

story

↓

This thing's beautiful. Organs all intact.

intact organs

↓

Professionally butchered.

butchered professionally

↓

Ah.

↓

- I stole it from my dad's shop, boss.

boss dads shop stole

↓

- Knock knock, Jack.

jack knock knock-knock

↓

Here to bring the superintendent's tour

bring tour

↓

to a close.

close

↓

We've all got high hopes for this one.

hopes

↓

- Of course. Welcome, everyone.

course welcome

↓

- Oh, please tell me this isn't a pig volcano.

volcano

↓

- Pig volcano.

volcano

↓

- I'm so sorry. I'm hearing "pig volcano."

hearing volcano

↓

- I was told this would be a fetal pig dissection.

dissection fetal

↓

This is a full-grown hog.

full grown

↓

- Uh, yes. Well, um,

↓

piglets' organs are much too small

organs

↓

to be properly observed by the untrained eye.

properly

↓

But Principal Durbin gives us a lot of freedom,

durbin freedom gives principal principal-durbin

↓

which Aristotle defines as

defines

↓

"obedience to self-formulated rules."

rules self

↓

Now, that...

↓

That's innovation.

innovation

↓

Very innovative, yeah.

innovative

↓

So, shall we begin?

begin

↓

All right.

↓

Welcome to A.P. Bio. Let's begin the dissection.

begin dissection welcome

↓

Heather, if you'd care to assist the demonstration?

assist care demonstration heather

↓

- Sure thing, Mr. Griffin. - Mm-hmm.

griffin

↓

- All right. Now, keep in mind

mind

↓

this can be an emotionally difficult process,

difficult emotionally process

↓

especially if you are working with a pig

especially working

↓

that you yourself raised.

raised

↓

First thing you're gonna do

↓

is hack off the snout.

hack snout

↓

It goes directly in the trash.

directly trash

↓

The customers do not want that,

customers

↓

unless they're French.

french

↓

- I'm sorry. Uh, did you say "customers"?

customers

↓

- Yeppers.

↓

Next we're gonna hack off the hooves.

hack

↓

Those also go directly in the trash.

directly trash

↓

♪

↓

- Mr. Griffin.

griffin

↓

Maybe you could explain the dissection

dissection explain

↓

using more standard scientific biological terms?

biological scientific standard terms using

↓

- You're right, Sarika. Of course.

course sarika

↓

Thank you.

↓

Uh.

↓

Behold...the adrenal glands.

behold glands

↓

The part of the endocrine system responsible

part responsible system

↓

for producing various hormones:

hormones producing various

↓

uh, cortisol, adrenaline, et cetera.

adrenaline cetera

↓

Now here we find them on the cephalic end of the kidneys

kidneys

↓

instead of on top, which is what

↓

we would observe in humans.

humans observe

↓

I never said I didn't know biology.

biology

↓

I'm just never gonna teach it to you.

teach

↓

Now, we use pigs because

pigs

↓

they have the same thoracic and abdominal organs...

abdominal organs

↓

♪

↓

There we go.

↓

- I, uh, strongly recommend a Memphis rub on those cuts.

cuts recommend strongly

↓

- Mr. Griffin, this was very informative

griffin

↓

and certainly innovative.

certainly innovative

↓

- Ah.

↓

Whitlock is lucky to have you.

lucky whitlock

↓

- Ah, thank you very much.

↓

- Thank you Jack for bringing it home.

bringing home jack

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, my God.

↓

- No sweat, Ralph.

ralph sweat

↓

- Thanks to you, I am in serious running

running serious thanks

↓

for the Innovative Principal of the Year!

innovative principal

↓

Could I, uh, get a loin?

↓

- Hey, yo, H-Bomb,

bomb

↓

check this crap out.

check

↓

Hey, yo, Dan Decker, hold up.

decker

↓

- Um, Heather could probably use a little bit of help

heather

↓

cleaning this whole mess up. Cool, bud?

cleaning cool mess whole whole-mess

↓

- Let me guess, if I don't...

↓

I get an F? - You get an F, yeah.

↓

Let's go. All right.

↓

- Yo, that was pretty dope the way you sliced that pig up.

dope sliced

↓

- Yeah, yeah. Guess I'm kind of a boss.

boss

↓

- ♪ No matter what you are

matter

↓

♪ I always be with you

↓

♪ 'Cause no matter what...

matter

↓

I really suck at this. - Yeah.

suck

↓

- ♪ Ooh, girl, with you

girl