Home » A P Bio » S01E11 — Eight Pigs and a Rat

A P Bio

Season 1, Episode 11 — Eight Pigs and a Rat

.

#1

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- My girl Oprah coming through with

#2

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yet another dope rec.

#3

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- I know they say don't judge a book by its cover, but

#4

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this book jacket got me feeling some kind of way.

#5

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- I got so flushed reading the "about the author" that

#6

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when Keith came home, I threw the book in my naughty drawer.

#7

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Both: Ooh. - Get it, Michelle.

#8

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- Well, my naughty drawer's just really actually

#9

⇓

Keith's normal underwear drawer.

#10

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Nothing gets my pizza oven fired up

#11

⇓

quite like my hubby's undies.

#12

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- Ooh, I respect that you know what works for you.

#13

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- Yeah. - Yes.

#14

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- Jack, you're always reading in here.

#15

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Want to join our book club?

#16

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- Oh, you should.

#17

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We're reading "The Question Is the Answer"

#18

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by this hot buttered crumpet named Miles Leonard.

#19

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both: Ooh.

#20

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- I think you would like it, Jack.

#21

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It's philosophy, but there's, like, a point to it.

#22

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- And how, pray tell, did you come by

#23

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this fine piece of literature?

#24

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- It was Oprah's book club pick this month.

#25

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She says the best place to read it is, quote...

#26

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"on a beach that you own."

#27

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- Okay.

#28

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- And you just follow along blindly, huh?

#29

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Is that it?

#30

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Well, listen to me, and listen well, okay?

#31

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Philosophy is not a popularity contest, okay?

#32

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It is a precise and rigorous expression

#33

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of universal truths.

#34

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Yeah? It's not about

#35

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who's "getting good buzz" and who's on TV

#36

⇓

on the stupid Oprah sho-- you know what?

#37

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You've ruined my empanada!

#38

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- Damn, could've just said no.

#39

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Oh, you're in a bad mood. Cool beans.

#40

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I'll tell you later.

#41

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- What are you gonna tell him later, Ralph?

#42

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Is it a private medical thing?

#43

⇓

- No, he does not let me

#44

⇓

share that stuff with him.

#45

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But, ladies,

#46

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I am a finalist for Innovative Principal of the Year.

#47

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- Oh, my God! - Oh, I'm so proud!

#48

⇓

- A little bit awesome.

#49

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Just a little bit of good news during a rough year,

#50

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you know, with my marriage collapsing and...

#51

⇓

- Uh, boo. No, please.

#52

⇓

Durbs, don't bum us out while we're trying to dance.

#53

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- Okay, you guys, well, while I have you on pause,

#54

⇓

this superintendent and her crew

#55

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are coming tomorrow to observe the school and me.

#56

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So if each of you could put together

#57

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an out-of-the-box presentation,

#58

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something big, something memorable,

#59

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something tied into your subject...

#60

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- Mm-hmm. - Would really appreciate it.

#61

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- Ohh, I know what I'ma do.

#62

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- Girl, I'm not telling.

#63

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You gotta get your own thing.

#64

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- Ooh, we got you, Durb.

#65

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We got you. - Oh, I love it. I love it.

#66

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And if I win, I'm gonna take you all to Bennigan's.

#67

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- Hit it out the park!

#68

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- ♪ Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

#69

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♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

#70

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♪

#71

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- We definitely shouldn't open it. Right?

#72

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I'm going for it.

#73

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Fetal pigs!

#74

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- Oh, my God.

#75

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- This is so great.

#76

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I've been waiting my whole life to dissect a fetal pig.

#77

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- Mr. Griffin must be

#78

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rewarding us for being good little angels.

#79

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Everything's starting to go my way.

#80

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- Think these pigs went to Hell?

#81

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- Looks like there's only eight.

#82

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Eight piggy presents.

#83

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We're gonna have to pair up.

#84

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- Oh. - Oh, okay.

#85

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- Hey, Dan. You want to team up?

#86

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My dad owns a butcher shop, so

#87

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I know my way around the inside of a pig.

#88

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- Uh, yeah, I'm down.

#89

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- Where does Oprah even got off

#90

⇓

endorsing Miles' book?

#91

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It's insane. Unbelievable.

#92

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It's got Stedman written all over it.

#93

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That's who it was.

#94

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Get out--

#95

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- Oh, I set up a Google Alert so we can stay on top of Miles.

#96

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Printed that out for you, boss. - Oh.

#97

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Well, thank you, Heather. Nice.

#98

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What is that god Is that meth?

#99

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I swear, the wind blows the wrong way in Ohio

#100

⇓

you get that meth whiff.

#101

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- The fetal pigs are here.

#102

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We've already paired up and

#103

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we'll dissect them really quietly.

#104

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You wouldn't even have to do anything.

#105

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- Absolutely not.

#106

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You guys are not doing a lab in my class.

#107

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- But we've been good little angels.

#108

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- No, you know what we've got here?

#109

⇓

A Miles mission.

#110

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- Please let us dissect them, Mr. Griffin.

#111

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- Yeah, boss, you know how much I love sticking it to Miles,

#112

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but this kind of means a lot.

#113

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- This is literally all I've got.

#114

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- I'm sorry. What I'm gonna do is

#115

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take these little piglets, and I'm gonna send them to Miles.

#116

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Totally freak him out. It's a truly perfect Miles mission.

#117

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Feels like it's missing a twist.

#118

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- Uh, Marcus, shut up. It's--it's a solid plan.

#119

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- Yeah, I don't know, Mr. Griffin,

#120

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I feel like maybe this needs a twist.

#121

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Twist. Yeah, good point, Dan.

#122

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- I said it, twist... - This could use a twist.

#123

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All right, let me go think about this.

#124

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Twist, yeah. Have a good night, dudes.

#125

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♪

#126

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♪

#127

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- Go for Chops.

#128

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- Chops, it's Jack.

#129

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Our task rabbit's all set.

#130

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The box of pigs should arrive today,

#131

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along with the T-shirt cannon,

#132

⇓

which really brings the whole plan to life.

#133

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I need you to fire in the direction of Miles Leonard,

#134

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whose address I've included.

#135

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Really terrify him.

#136

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- Can I just say this is, like, straight-up

#137

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the sickest task I've ever had to rabbit.

#138

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So, like, you're giving me life right now, you feel me?

#139

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- Yeah, just get it done.

#140

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A quick word?

#141

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- Yeah. - ...fire that.

#142

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And then we'll just, like, ghost on that.

#143

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Hello? Hello?

#144

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- Well, I--I'm not really sure.

#145

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Overnight, I got this anonymous note

#146

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saying that you had cancelled the fetal pig dissection.

#147

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- Who sent you this absurd accusation?

#148

⇓

- Regardless of who sent it, is it true?

#149

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No.

#150

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Why--why--why would I cancel the dissection, man?

#151

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- I don't know, but it would be really bad timing

#152

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because the superintendent's coming.

#153

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Why?

#154

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- It's--I--

#155

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well, I'm up for Innovative Principal of the Year.

#156

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You didn't know that?

#157

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- Listen, I planned to end her tour

#158

⇓

with a live fetal pig dissection

#159

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by a former Harvard professor.

#160

⇓

- Wait, so she's coming to my class?

#161

⇓

Tomorrow? To observe?

#162

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- Yeah. Oh, I can't wait.

#163

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I still can't for the life of me

#164

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figure out what this note means.

#165

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- Well, I'll tell you what it means.

#166

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You got pranked, my friend.

#167

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But I'm gonna find out who the culprit is.

#168

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Believe me, yeah.

#169

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Look at me, Ralph.

#170

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I'm gonna kill whoever pranked you.

#171

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- We're not supposed to kill the students.

#172

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- Shh.

#173

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Hey, it's Jack. Call me back.

#174

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I need you to return the dead pigs.

#175

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I repeat, do not blast the dead baby pigs

#176

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at my British nemesis.

#177

⇓

What?

#178

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We have a rat.

#179

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♪

#180

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.

#181

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Oh, and you'll see what I mean, too.

#182

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- Uh-huh. Yes.

#183

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Oh--oh, well, I am so sorry to hear about your catastrophe.

#184

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Yes, Principal Durbin will be there on Wednesday to help.

#185

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Yes, and he--he will bring clean water to your village.

#186

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Uh-huh. For sure.

#187

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All right, Thursday at the latest.

#188

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Take care. Bye.

#189

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Superintendent Bullard!

#190

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You look smooth.

#191

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- Ellen. Always a pleasure.

#192

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- We're so dal-gone excited for you to be here and...

#193

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I gotta say...

#194

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You find me a better guy

#195

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than Principal Durbin and I will find you

#196

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a guy who is on, like, Seal Team Six or something,

#197

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because that is the guy!

#198

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Hey, oh, they took your doo-hickies off.

#199

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Yeah, uh, I'm fully ambulatory now.

#200

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- Oh, congrats. - Good Christ, Helen.

#201

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Superintendent Bullard,

#202

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I--I am so excited to show you around.

#203

⇓

- We're excited to see

#204

⇓

the innovative school you've created.

#205

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- Oh, well, our teachers think outside the box,

#206

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so brace yourself.

#207

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Mm.

#208

⇓

Sorry.

#209

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- Oh, you think you got me, huh?

#210

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One of you rats me out,

#211

⇓

you're all sitting there thinking,

#212

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"I got him. I won."

#213

⇓

Well, know this.

#214

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I won't be made to look like a fool

#215

⇓

in front of anyone.

#216

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Certainly not some

#217

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Midwest superintendent with a degree from a

#218

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religious liberal arts college.

#219

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♪

#220

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Now, one of you is gonna come forward and confess,

#221

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or you're all missing your next class.

#222

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♪

#223

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Now, one of you sinned.

#224

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Ya sinned real bad.

#225

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Anything you want to admit, Vic?

#226

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- I got a boner when we learned CPR.

#227

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- Oh. Gross.

#228

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How'd your partner feel about that?

#229

⇓

- Well, I think she, like-- - Never mind, I--

#230

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Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

#231

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♪

#232

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I've got all the time in the world, guys.

#233

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♪

#234

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Looks like I'm gonna have to turn up the heat.

#235

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♪

#236

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This is Stef Duncan,

#237

⇓

a phenomenal history teacher

#238

⇓

who endeavors to prove that if we're not careful,

#239

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the past can become the future.

#240

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- Thank you, Principal Durbin.

#241

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All right, now the year is A.D. 79.

#242

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I now present...

#243

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Mount Vesuvius.

#244

⇓

Oh, Vesuvius.

#245

⇓

I'm sure everything's gonna be okay.

#246

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Or will it?

#247

⇓

♪

#248

⇓

- Oh, no. What is this, lava?

#249

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"Ow, mama, my toga's burning."

#250

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"Oh, my God, I'm dying."

#251

⇓

"Too much lava."

#252

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What about the horses?

#253

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"Oh, no, my sandals."

#254

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I'll ask you nicely

#255

⇓

one more time.

#256

⇓

Are you the rat?

#257

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- Oh, God, please, stop.

#258

⇓

♪

#259

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- Admit it was you or your bio textbook gets it.

#260

⇓

♪

#261

⇓

Huh? Fine.

#262

⇓

Guess we'll never know the definition of...

#263

⇓

"heterozygous advantage."

#264

⇓

Redacted.

#265

⇓

- I don't know anything!

#266

⇓

- You know everything!

#267

⇓

♪

#268

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- That was the most devastating moment of my entire life.

#269

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Girl, you need to read Anne Frank.

#270

⇓

- When you think of art,

#271

⇓

think of the three important M's:

#272

⇓

Manet, Monet, and Mar-ray.

#273

⇓

And who's Mar

#274

⇓

Why, it's art teacher extraordinaire

#275

⇓

Mary Wagner.

#276

⇓

Art is a feast

#277

⇓

that you cook in your mind oven

#278

⇓

and serve on your heart plate.

#279

⇓

I like art.

#280

⇓

Take it away, Mary.

#281

⇓

- Thank you, Principal Durbin.

#282

⇓

Art is beautiful.

#283

⇓

Art is intense.

#284

⇓

It's provocative. It's subversive.

#285

⇓

And sometimes it can be...

#286

⇓

explosive.

#287

⇓

Okay.

#288

⇓

♪

#289

⇓

- I added sparkles.

#290

⇓

Ya welcome.

#291

⇓

♪

#292

⇓

♪

#293

⇓

- Louder.

#294

⇓

Jazzier.

#295

⇓

♪

#296

⇓

You can stop this at any moment.

#297

⇓

You know, people say they like jazz, but they don't.

#298

⇓

They don't.

#299

⇓

Less discernible melody!

#300

⇓

Yeah. You guys like that?

#301

⇓

Can't pick out any of the notes.

#302

⇓

That's great, man. That sucks.

#303

⇓

.

#304

⇓

- Unlike other schools, where they

#305

⇓

dress up like broccoli and rap about diet,

#306

⇓

we here at Whitlock treat health like a real class.

#307

⇓

Take it away, Mrs. Jones.

#308

⇓

- Don't tell me what to do.

#309

⇓

You're not my dad!

#310

⇓

I have a crush on the track captain

#311

⇓

and I'm addicted to e-cigarettes!

#312

⇓

That's what it's like to be a teenager.

#313

⇓

So many emotions bottled up,

#314

⇓

and you have to express them all in a healthy way,

#315

⇓

even the negative ones.

#316

⇓

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Jones.

#317

⇓

- Or what can happen is...

#318

⇓

- Oh, my God.

#319

⇓

- A volcano!

#320

⇓

Ooh.

#321

⇓

Whoa!

#322

⇓

♪

#323

⇓

- Unless the rat comes forward,

#324

⇓

I will pick a phone at random

#325

⇓

and start reading your search history out loud.

#326

⇓

- Just to get ahead of it,

#327

⇓

"ISIS" is also the name of a junior women's bowling league.

#328

⇓

♪

#329

⇓

- Hey, that's mine, dude.

#330

⇓

And I'm not giving you my passcode.

#331

⇓

That's too bad.

#332

⇓

Who is the rat?

#333

⇓

♪

#334

⇓

Yello? - Jack attack.

#335

⇓

Got your message. Bad news though, papi.

#336

⇓

The pigs are already gone.

#337

⇓

Was he freaked? - Uh, no dude.

#338

⇓

So it turns out the cannon is kind of specifically

#339

⇓

calibrated for one type of ammunition.

#340

⇓

And that ammunition is T-shirts

#341

⇓

and is not pigs.

#342

⇓

So I tried to fire pigs out of it.

#343

⇓

They kind of just 'sploded on the inside of it.

#344

⇓

- Okay, so you're telling me that the mission failed

#345

⇓

and the pigs are destroyed?

#346

⇓

- I mean, I don't like to think of it...

#347

⇓

- Did you say the pigs are destroyed?

#348

⇓

We can't do the lab?

#349

⇓

- Heather, relax.

#350

⇓

- It was me.

#351

⇓

I'm the rat!

#352

⇓

Why didn't you say that an hour ago before he threw my phone?

#353

⇓

- I mean-- Dave, this does nothing for me.

#354

⇓

Do you understand that?

#355

⇓

You went with your first thought.

#356

⇓

- But I'm the geology teacher.

#357

⇓

I'm the only one it makes sense for.

#358

⇓

- You boned me, Dave. Go take a lap.

#359

⇓

Yeah. Go.

#360

⇓

- Eh.

#361

⇓

- Don't "eh" me.

#362

⇓

- Kfft.

#363

⇓

- And don't "kfft" either.

#364

⇓

- Ralph.

#365

⇓

We just wanted to say

#366

⇓

we're really sorry we let you down.

#367

⇓

- Why did you all do the same thing?

#368

⇓

- Well, we didn't plan to, but we all

#369

⇓

learned how to make volcanoes at the same

#370

⇓

teachers' conference last summer.

#371

⇓

all: Ohio Teach-tastic!

#372

⇓

- Yes, and it all was a hit for the teachers there,

#373

⇓

so we figured that it would help you win.

#374

⇓

But I really need

#375

⇓

Jack to nail this dissection tomorrow.

#376

⇓

I mean, he and Coach and basically my last hope.

#377

⇓

- Make way for the volleyball-cano!

#378

⇓

Ralph.

#379

⇓

- I can't believe Heather was the rat.

#380

⇓

Stay here, guys. I'ma go take care of this.

#381

⇓

- If Mr. Griffin can't get the pigs back,

#382

⇓

how are we gonna perform the dissection

#383

⇓

in front of the superintendent tomorrow?

#384

⇓

- We won't.

#385

⇓

He'll make a fool out of himself.

#386

⇓

And then we'll get a new teacher by Monday.

#387

⇓

Heather's a genius.

#388

⇓

♪

#389

⇓

- What in the hell are you doing?

#390

⇓

You know, I'm the one who should be mad.

#391

⇓

You betrayed me.

#392

⇓

- You ruined everything!

#393

⇓

- The hell are you talking about?

#394

⇓

You wrote the note.

#395

⇓

And by the way, this is Michelle's car.

#396

⇓

Mine's across the lot.

#397

⇓

- God, you don't get it!

#398

⇓

You ruined my shot with Dan.

#399

⇓

- Before you cancelled the lab, me and Dan were partnered up.

#400

⇓

We were gonna spend the whole week

#401

⇓

carving up pigs and falling for each other.

#402

⇓

- Hold on a second. So you betrayed me

#403

⇓

for some stupid high school crush?

#404

⇓

- This was my chance to show him something

#405

⇓

that I'm really good at.

#406

⇓

And now you screwed it all up.

#407

⇓

- Yeah, well now we're both screwed,

#408

⇓

'cause I gotta go find something else to dissect

#409

⇓

or, thanks to you, I'm gonna look like a fool tomorrow.

#410

⇓

You know, I might have hurt you on accident,

#411

⇓

but you hurt me on purpose.

#412

⇓

♪

#413

⇓

.

#414

⇓

- All right, everyone shut up.

#415

⇓

Uh, apologies in advance

#416

⇓

for the brutal condition of this squirrel.

#417

⇓

Didn't really have--

#418

⇓

All right, what's the story here?

#419

⇓

This thing's beautiful. Organs all intact.

#420

⇓

Professionally butchered.

#421

⇓

Ah.

#422

⇓

- I stole it from my dad's shop, boss.

#423

⇓

- Knock knock, Jack.

#424

⇓

Here to bring the superintendent's tour

#425

⇓

to a close.

#426

⇓

We've all got high hopes for this one.

#427

⇓

- Of course. Welcome, everyone.

#428

⇓

- Oh, please tell me this isn't a pig volcano.

#429

⇓

- Pig volcano.

#430

⇓

- I'm so sorry. I'm hearing "pig volcano."

#431

⇓

- I was told this would be a fetal pig dissection.

#432

⇓

This is a full-grown hog.

#433

⇓

- Uh, yes. Well, um,

#434

⇓

piglets' organs are much too small

#435

⇓

to be properly observed by the untrained eye.

#436

⇓

But Principal Durbin gives us a lot of freedom,

#437

⇓

which Aristotle defines as

#438

⇓

"obedience to self-formulated rules."

#439

⇓

Now, that...

#440

⇓

That's innovation.

#441

⇓

Very innovative, yeah.

#442

⇓

So, shall we begin?

#443

⇓

All right.

#444

⇓

Welcome to A.P. Bio. Let's begin the dissection.

#445

⇓

Heather, if you'd care to assist the demonstration?

#446

⇓

- Sure thing, Mr. Griffin. - Mm-hmm.

#447

⇓

- All right. Now, keep in mind

#448

⇓

this can be an emotionally difficult process,

#449

⇓

especially if you are working with a pig

#450

⇓

that you yourself raised.

#451

⇓

First thing you're gonna do

#452

⇓

is hack off the snout.

#453

⇓

It goes directly in the trash.

#454

⇓

The customers do not want that,

#455

⇓

unless they're French.

#456

⇓

- I'm sorry. Uh, did you say "customers"?

#457

⇓

- Yeppers.

#458

⇓

Next we're gonna hack off the hooves.

#459

⇓

Those also go directly in the trash.

#460

⇓

♪

#461

⇓

- Mr. Griffin.

#462

⇓

Maybe you could explain the dissection

#463

⇓

using more standard scientific biological terms?

#464

⇓

- You're right, Sarika. Of course.

#465

⇓

Thank you.

#466

⇓

Uh.

#467

⇓

Behold...the adrenal glands.

#468

⇓

The part of the endocrine system responsible

#469

⇓

for producing various hormones:

#470

⇓

uh, cortisol, adrenaline, et cetera.

#471

⇓

Now here we find them on the cephalic end of the kidneys

#472

⇓

instead of on top, which is what

#473

⇓

we would observe in humans.

#474

⇓

I never said I didn't know biology.

#475

⇓

I'm just never gonna teach it to you.

#476

⇓

Now, we use pigs because

#477

⇓

they have the same thoracic and abdominal organs...

#478

⇓

♪

#479

⇓

There we go.

#480

⇓

- I, uh, strongly recommend a Memphis rub on those cuts.

#481

⇓

- Mr. Griffin, this was very informative

#482

⇓

and certainly innovative.

#483

⇓

- Ah.

#484

⇓

Whitlock is lucky to have you.

#485

⇓

- Ah, thank you very much.

#486

⇓

- Thank you Jack for bringing it home.

#487

⇓

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, my God.

#488

⇓

- No sweat, Ralph.

#489

⇓

- Thanks to you, I am in serious running

#490

⇓

for the Innovative Principal of the Year!

#491

⇓

Could I, uh, get a loin?

#492

⇓

- Hey, yo, H-Bomb,

#493

⇓

check this crap out.

#494

⇓

Hey, yo, Dan Decker, hold up.

#495

⇓

- Um, Heather could probably use a little bit of help

#496

⇓

cleaning this whole mess up. Cool, bud?

#497

⇓

- Let me guess, if I don't...

#498

⇓

I get an F? - You get an F, yeah.

#499

⇓

Let's go. All right.

#500

⇓

- Yo, that was pretty dope the way you sliced that pig up.

#501

⇓

- Yeah, yeah. Guess I'm kind of a boss.

#502

⇓

- ♪ No matter what you are

#503

⇓

♪ I always be with you

#504

⇓

♪ 'Cause no matter what...

#505

⇓

I really suck at this. - Yeah.

#506

⇓

- ♪ Ooh, girl, with you

#507

⇓