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» S01E06 — Freakin' Enamored
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Season 1, Episode 6 — Freakin' Enamored
.
#1
⇓
- According to this gossip column,
#2
⇓
my nemesis, Miles, is dating Lisa Loeb.
#3
⇓
The Lisa Loeb.
#4
⇓
Songbird. Sex in glasses.
#5
⇓
Meanwhile, I have had zero bangs
#6
⇓
since moving to this garbage pile of a town.
#7
⇓
That's not gonna work for me, so new plan.
#8
⇓
Break up Miles and Lisa Loeb.
#9
⇓
The hell's going on here?
#10
⇓
- It's parent-teacher day.
#11
⇓
Well...
#12
⇓
Welcome to A.P. Bio.
#13
⇓
[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]
#14
⇓
- One, two, three, four!
#15
⇓
- * Next time I'll listen to my heart *
#16
⇓
* Next time, well, I'll be smart *
#17
⇓
*
#18
⇓
[parents chattering indistinctly]
#19
⇓
- You can't talk to our kids about banging.
#20
⇓
- I want to see a syllabus, please.
#21
⇓
I want to see a syllabus, please.
#22
⇓
- Okay, listen, listen, listen.
#23
⇓
I don't know what your kids told you about me,
#24
⇓
but I went to Harvard,
#25
⇓
which means I know how to get in to Harvard,
#26
⇓
as well as the other Ivies,
#27
⇓
because they're all a little worse than Harvard.
#28
⇓
So keep your hands up if you don't want your kids
#29
⇓
to go to Harvard or one of the lesser Ivies.
#30
⇓
Now, I believe all of your remaining questions
#31
⇓
can be boiled down to one simple answer.
#32
⇓
All of your kids know
#33
⇓
exactly what they need to do to get an A in my class.
#34
⇓
Right, guys?
#35
⇓
And I'm happy to report that so far,
#36
⇓
all of your kids, the fruits of your loins,
#37
⇓
are getting As.
#38
⇓
So have a great rest of your day, guys.
#39
⇓
- Excuse me, are we getting individual feedback, yes?
#40
⇓
- You honestly want to know what I think about Marcus?
#41
⇓
- Yes.
#42
⇓
- Yeah, he's just got a real turd of a personality.
#43
⇓
But you two seem like a couple of wet blankets as well.
#44
⇓
Here's why Heather's cool.
#45
⇓
There's something dangerous lurking inside of her,
#46
⇓
something edgy.
#47
⇓
You need to foster that.
#48
⇓
- Yeah, guys.
#49
⇓
Get me my own pressure cooker.
#50
⇓
I want to make brisket, and I want to make it quick.
#51
⇓
- You're not old enough to get a pressure cooker.
#52
⇓
- But I'm old enough for an HPV vaccine?
#53
⇓
- Sarika has no sense of humor, zero.
#54
⇓
Does she laugh at anything?
#55
⇓
- Sarika refuses to have fun.
#56
⇓
- You think I want to be
#57
⇓
spending five hours every Saturday
#58
⇓
at the academic decathlon? No.
#59
⇓
- No. - No!
#60
⇓
I'd rather be poolside,
#61
⇓
buns up, sipping a Malibu.
#62
⇓
- Seems like one of you ought to give up the perm.
#63
⇓
- But what about when we get separated
#64
⇓
at church or Six Flags?
#65
⇓
We always look for the curl.
#66
⇓
- Uh... Wow.
#67
⇓
Hold hands. Get a leash. I don't care. Go away.
#68
⇓
Hi.
#69
⇓
Mrs. Um...
#70
⇓
- Uh, no, I'm--I'm not, um, married.
#71
⇓
I'm Trish, Colin's mom.
#72
⇓
- Oh. Oh, Colin's mom.
#73
⇓
- Hi. Sorry.
#74
⇓
- Well, I can definitely see
#75
⇓
where he gets his, um...
#76
⇓
His--his book bag.
#77
⇓
You got that for him, right?
#78
⇓
I mean, it's a nice book bag.
#79
⇓
You've got great taste. - Thank you.
#80
⇓
Well, you know, kind of a book bag, clothes connoisseur.
#81
⇓
And I mean I certainly didn't just buy the first one I saw.
#82
⇓
- This is the first time they've ever
#83
⇓
worked in that sort of medium.
#84
⇓
Ah!
#85
⇓
And this number one stunner
#86
⇓
is from our figure drawing class.
#87
⇓
The contours are on point.
#88
⇓
The shading is--oof--very fly.
#89
⇓
- It's beautiful.
#90
⇓
- Excuse me, that's nudity.
#91
⇓
- It is nudity.
#92
⇓
- Did our children see a live nude?
#93
⇓
- No.
#94
⇓
I was the model,
#95
⇓
and I certainly was not nude.
#96
⇓
I was wearing a swimsuit and a low-rise jogger.
#97
⇓
This technically isn't even nudity.
#98
⇓
- She wasn't naked, everybody.
#99
⇓
- Is this why my Trey is suddenly
#100
⇓
obsessed with extra
#101
⇓
- Wrangle this in, Durbs.
#102
⇓
- I bet the school board would be
#103
⇓
very interested in this vulgar display.
#104
⇓
Excuse you?
#105
⇓
I have the back of a Gauguin island queen.
#106
⇓
- I'm gonna take care of this.
#107
⇓
- Here we go.
#108
⇓
- Yeah, I fed that sweet little baby bird
#109
⇓
with a syringe for a week
#110
⇓
until it got strong enough and flew away.
#111
⇓
- Hmm.
#112
⇓
- Yep.
#113
⇓
So I'm not a parent,
#114
⇓
but I get it.
#115
⇓
- Birds weird me out.
#116
⇓
- Yeah, they're filthy.
#117
⇓
- Anyway, I'm sorry that I missed the class intro.
#118
⇓
My rehearsal went long.
#119
⇓
- She plays cello at the Toledo Symphony Orchestra.
#120
⇓
- Yeah. - First chair.
#121
⇓
- Cellos weird me out.
#122
⇓
- Yeah, they're filthy.
#123
⇓
- See you later, Mom.
#124
⇓
- Oh, um, hey, why don't we hang out sometime?
#125
⇓
Maybe tonight? - Sure.
#126
⇓
Do you want to come by for dinner?
#127
⇓
- Ooh, I don't know.
#128
⇓
I was gonna eat this frozen burrito,
#129
⇓
but I feel like that's not gonna turn
#130
⇓
for another year, so yeah.
#131
⇓
- Um, well, do you want to take my number?
#132
⇓
- I'm already--
#133
⇓
- Oh, you're already putting it.
#134
⇓
419-555-0199.
#135
⇓
- Okay, I'll call you or I will text you.
#136
⇓
- Okay. We'll see which it is.
#137
⇓
- Okay. Bye.
#138
⇓
- Hi. - Hi. Hope you like pinot.
#139
⇓
- I do. Oh.
#140
⇓
Well, you left the price tag on.
#141
⇓
$27?
#142
⇓
Jeez, fancy. - Yeah.
#143
⇓
The guy at the liquor store offered to razor it off,
#144
⇓
and I said, "No, I don't want you to do that.
#145
⇓
I want her to know how classy I am."
#146
⇓
- Oh. Answer: very.
#147
⇓
Come in. - All right.
#148
⇓
Well, this smells absolutely delicious.
#149
⇓
- Thank you. Spaghetti Bolognese.
#150
⇓
It's my only specialty.
#151
⇓
It's kind of a hard first date food, though.
#152
⇓
- Yeah, there's no sexy way to eat spaghetti.
#153
⇓
- No. - Unless you're one of those
#154
⇓
Disney hobo dogs. They're pretty good at it.
#155
⇓
- Yeah, or one of those snobs that
#156
⇓
twirls their pasta on a spoon.
#157
⇓
So un-American.
#158
⇓
Well, wait a sec--wait.
#159
⇓
You put the spoons out. Why'd you do that?
#160
⇓
- For ice cream, you Communist.
#161
⇓
This is fun.
#162
⇓
It's been a while since I hung out with a nice guy.
#163
⇓
- Mom, I'm home!
#164
⇓
The movie was cancelled 'cause there was a rat
#165
⇓
in the theater that bit a stupid girl's toe.
#166
⇓
It's like, "Don't wear sandals to a movie.
#167
⇓
Wear sneakers."
#168
⇓
Hey, Mr. Griffin.
#169
⇓
- I'm sorry. Is it okay if he joins us?
#170
⇓
- Yeah.
#171
⇓
No, no, absolutely. - Okay.
#172
⇓
- Wouldn't have it any other way.
#173
⇓
- Guys want to hear more about the rat?
#174
⇓
Saw it pretty good.
#175
⇓
- Nah. - Sure, honey.
#176
⇓
- Yeah. Yeah, let's--
#177
⇓
.
#178
⇓
- So like, you know, Cornish game hen...
#179
⇓
- Mm-hmm. - Pigeons, things like that.
#180
⇓
You know, it's basically like a historical recreation of--
#181
⇓
- Like a historical recreation of what Beethoven ate.
#182
⇓
Like a food diary, basically. - Hmm.
#183
⇓
Wow. - Yeah, it's pretty cool.
#184
⇓
The noodles are sticking to my uvula.
#185
⇓
- I think you're, uh, old enough
#186
⇓
to cut up your own spaghetti there, champ.
#187
⇓
- Yeah.
#188
⇓
- Um, anyway, when Beethoven went deaf...
#189
⇓
Uh, his other senses just went absolutely bananas.
#190
⇓
Sorry.
#191
⇓
You know, Colin, I'll just cut it.
#192
⇓
- Have you ever read any historical food diaries?
#193
⇓
- I haven't read a food diary per se,
#194
⇓
but in "The Diary of Anne Frank,"
#195
⇓
she talks about the monotony of the potatoes.
#196
⇓
Does that count? - No.
#197
⇓
- Well, I think it does.
#198
⇓
Right, I mean, why wouldn't it count?
#199
⇓
- Yeah.
#200
⇓
- All right, I'll go get dessert.
#201
⇓
- All right.
#202
⇓
Sounds good.
#203
⇓
All right.
#204
⇓
I'll give you 20 bucks-- - Make it 40.
#205
⇓
- Fine, $40.
#206
⇓
- Okay.
#207
⇓
Salted caramel sundaes.
#208
⇓
- Mom, Mr. Griffin gave me 40 bucks.
#209
⇓
- I don't know!
#210
⇓
Just--yeah.
#211
⇓
*
#212
⇓
- Ah!
#213
⇓
- Yay.
#214
⇓
- Sometimes I play my sax so hard,
#215
⇓
I get a tongue rash from the reed.
#216
⇓
But the cool thing about a tongue rash is,
#217
⇓
you can scratch it with your teeth.
#218
⇓
Like this. See?
#219
⇓
- Ugh.
#220
⇓
- I'm tired.
#221
⇓
I'm gonna go to bed.
#222
⇓
- Okay.
#223
⇓
Well, good night, baby duck.
#224
⇓
- Quack!
#225
⇓
- No.
#226
⇓
- So...
#227
⇓
Would you like to retire to the sofa?
#228
⇓
And we could talk about historical food diaries.
#229
⇓
- Oh, I'm so sorry. Was that boring?
#230
⇓
I thought it was a little more interesting than tongue rashes.
#231
⇓
I don't know, though.
#232
⇓
I think-- I think this one wins.
#233
⇓
Maybe when you do it.
#234
⇓
Oh, my god, wait.
#235
⇓
Because you know what?
#236
⇓
You might have poison ivy, but I'm not sure.
#237
⇓
I need to take a little bit of a closer peek.
#238
⇓
- Mom!
#239
⇓
I cut my nostril with the nose hair scissors.
#240
⇓
There's blood.
#241
⇓
- Oh, I'm sorry. I should go help him.
#242
⇓
I mean, the poor kid has orange nose hairs.
#243
⇓
If he doesn't stay on top of it, he'll be crucified.
#244
⇓
- Yeah. - Um...
#245
⇓
Thanks for coming by.
#246
⇓
- Oh, okay.
#247
⇓
I should go.
#248
⇓
- All right.
#249
⇓
- I sneezed on the guest towel.
#250
⇓
I think it's totaled.
#251
⇓
- Sorry. - Nah, it's okay.
#252
⇓
- Um, have a good night.
#253
⇓
- Yeah, you too. I'll see myself out.
#254
⇓
It's cool. - Okay.
#255
⇓
- Go.
#256
⇓
Sara Baker, sophomore, volleyball, peanut allergy.
#257
⇓
- Exacta-lootly!
#258
⇓
crowd: Bring back our back!
#259
⇓
Bring back our back!
#260
⇓
- Is that pregnant mouse in the water fountain again?
#261
⇓
- Please, just let her have her babies in there, Ralph.
#262
⇓
She's old!
#263
⇓
all: Bring back our back!
#264
⇓
Bring back our back!
#265
⇓
Bring back our back!
#266
⇓
- You got to... all: Bring back our back!
#267
⇓
- Hey, please!
#268
⇓
You're gonna interrupt classes, all right?
#269
⇓
Ladies and...
#270
⇓
Coach. - Good.
#271
⇓
The school needs to know that you hate art.
#272
⇓
- Yeah, you hate it.
#273
⇓
- I don't hate art.
#274
⇓
The--the parents thought
#275
⇓
that the back drawing was gateway nudity.
#276
⇓
And when you think about it, the back is
#277
⇓
around the corner from the boobs,
#278
⇓
and then you make a right turn, and you're at the butt.
#279
⇓
- Sounds like Ralph is thinking a lot about boobs and butts.
#280
⇓
- Right, while we're out here fighting for art.
#281
⇓
Is this a school or a dictatorship,
#282
⇓
Chairman Mralph?
#283
⇓
all: Chairman Mralph! - All right.
#284
⇓
all: Chairman Mralph! - Guys, Chairman Mralph!
#285
⇓
- Guys, guys, "Chairman Mralph"
#286
⇓
is a little bit of a stretch, okay?
#287
⇓
I'm gonna fix this, all right?
#288
⇓
all: Chairman Mralph! - Okay, fix it.
#289
⇓
all: Chairman Mralph!
#290
⇓
- I'm sweating so hard, I think I'm gonna pass out.
#291
⇓
- Well, then lose the turtleneck.
#292
⇓
- I can't.
#293
⇓
And I don't want to talk about it!
#294
⇓
all: Chairman Mralph!
#295
⇓
Chairman Mralph!
#296
⇓
- Oh. You're here!
#297
⇓
I mocked up an incriminating photo to send to Lisa Loeb.
#298
⇓
It's Miles licking Alanis Morissette's neck.
#299
⇓
- Wow, Anthony, that--
#300
⇓
You're an artist.
#301
⇓
Go for it. Get it done.
#302
⇓
Hey, Colin.
#303
⇓
You know, I was just thinking--
#304
⇓
I'm so curious.
#305
⇓
Did you happen to bang your mom last night?
#306
⇓
Because I sure as hell didn't.
#307
⇓
- No. - Wait.
#308
⇓
Are you dating Colin's mom?
#309
⇓
Isn't that a conflict of interest?
#310
⇓
- Are you gonna start giving him extra credit
#311
⇓
because you're doing his mom? - He's not doing my mom.
#312
⇓
- Yeah, because you wouldn't leave us alone
#313
⇓
long enough to do it.
#314
⇓
By the way, I want my 40 bucks back.
#315
⇓
- I tried to leave you alone and go to bed.
#316
⇓
- Man, you blocked me all night.
#317
⇓
You brought out your saxophone.
#318
⇓
You showed us how to stop a ceiling fan with your hand.
#319
⇓
That's not a cool trick.
#320
⇓
- Mr. Griffin, have you ever dated a single mom?
#321
⇓
- Uh, yeah, yeah, one time.
#322
⇓
But she had a C-section, so it was all good.
#323
⇓
- You are a bad person.
#324
⇓
- Yeah, I forget you don't get jokes.
#325
⇓
Tell your mom that one. She'll love it.
#326
⇓
- You know, the obvious way to a single mom's heart
#327
⇓
is through her child.
#328
⇓
- You should have shown Colin some love.
#329
⇓
- Yeah, she would have popped off on you, boss.
#330
⇓
- Okay, look, guys.
#331
⇓
Let's get one thing straight.
#332
⇓
This isn't one of those cheesy
#333
⇓
"Jerry Maguire" type situations
#334
⇓
where I win the mom by falling in love
#335
⇓
with the freaky looking kid.
#336
⇓
- Fine.
#337
⇓
Then it's bye-bye Trish.
#338
⇓
- All right, shut up, Marcus. Shut up. Let me think.
#339
⇓
Okay, we need to make a pros and cons list.
#340
⇓
Yeah. That's what we'll do.
#341
⇓
Victor, go to the board.
#342
⇓
On the pro side, she's, uh...
#343
⇓
well, gorgeous.
#344
⇓
Smart.
#345
⇓
She's funny. Talented.
#346
⇓
And on the con side-- well, really--
#347
⇓
really, it's just Colin.
#348
⇓
I mean, I really hate the Colin part.
#349
⇓
- Yeah, if you become Colin's dad,
#350
⇓
he'll probably be the last face you see
#351
⇓
as you take your dying breath.
#352
⇓
- I know, but I just can't stop thinking about her.
#353
⇓
She's probably chilling in a bath tub right now.
#354
⇓
- She's at work.
#355
⇓
- Let me ask you a question.
#356
⇓
Does Colin's mom give you butterflies?
#357
⇓
Hell yes, Anthony.
#358
⇓
- If it's legit tummy butterflies,
#359
⇓
then isn't it worth being Colin's fake dad?
#360
⇓
- Yes.
#361
⇓
Yes!
#362
⇓
Yes, you guys, it is!
#363
⇓
I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go for it.
#364
⇓
I'm crushing hard on Colin's mom.
#365
⇓
Yeah. All right, yeah, man.
#366
⇓
Let's do it, Colin.
#367
⇓
What's up, man? You want to--
#368
⇓
Wait, you want to play catch? - No.
#369
⇓
But I do need to build a rocket
#370
⇓
for the father/son rocket launch.
#371
⇓
God, I hate that name.
#372
⇓
Father/son rocket launch? But, yeah, I'll do it.
#373
⇓
I'll do it, yeah. Let's build a rocket together.
#374
⇓
I'm gonna suffer through it.
#375
⇓
I'm frickin' enamored!
#376
⇓
Whoo!
#377
⇓
Yeah!
#378
⇓
I must have her!
#379
⇓
.
#380
⇓
- Students must disperse from the lobby
#381
⇓
and go back to their classes.
#382
⇓
- I gotta know what's under that turtleneck.
#383
⇓
- I have an embarrassing back tattoo.
#384
⇓
Wait, those are your husband's initials.
#385
⇓
Michelle loves Keith Jones.
#386
⇓
Why is that embarrassing?
#387
⇓
- I got it before I met Keith.
#388
⇓
It stands for Kendall Jackson.
#389
⇓
The chardonnay?
#390
⇓
Please don't tell him I have a tattoo.
#391
⇓
He hates chardonnay.
#392
⇓
- Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.
#393
⇓
Keith has never seen your back,
#394
⇓
ever?
#395
⇓
I mean, what about bikinis?
#396
⇓
I mean, are we just gonna bring up anything now?
#397
⇓
What about lawn mowers?
#398
⇓
- No. No. - Okay, everybody,
#399
⇓
you know what to do.
#400
⇓
You got to be the back to...
#401
⇓
all: Free the back!
#402
⇓
Backs aren't bad, and that's a fact.
#403
⇓
You got to be-- - Okay, everyone.
#404
⇓
I've heard your cries for justice.
#405
⇓
And I think I found a solution
#406
⇓
that will please all sides.
#407
⇓
- That's body-shaming!
#408
⇓
all: Body-shamer!
#409
⇓
Body-shamer!
#410
⇓
Body-shamer!
#411
⇓
Body-shamer!
#412
⇓
Body-shamer! - Get him!
#413
⇓
all: Body-shamer! - Don't let him get away!
#414
⇓
- All right, now we gotta make sure
#415
⇓
we glue these fins on perfectly straight.
#416
⇓
It's the only way to humiliate all those other rockets.
#417
⇓
- Hey, guys.
#418
⇓
Just baked these for you.
#419
⇓
Be careful. Don't burn your mouths.
#420
⇓
- He's doing most of it.
#421
⇓
- Oh, no, that's not true. No.
#422
⇓
I was actually just teaching Colin here
#423
⇓
the value of two-part epoxy.
#424
⇓
- Oh. - Yeah.
#425
⇓
Yeah, you got a real special guy
#426
⇓
on your hands here, Trish.
#427
⇓
I love him.
#428
⇓
I love your son.
#429
⇓
- Okay.
#430
⇓
Oh, uh, Col,
#431
⇓
your dad said that you called this morning
#432
⇓
to ask him to bring by his bike pump today,
#433
⇓
but he can't do it.
#434
⇓
Dang it! - Whoa!
#435
⇓
Dude, what are you doing, man? Watch the rocket.
#436
⇓
- I don't care about the dumb rocket.
#437
⇓
I wanted my dad to come here, see me and you
#438
⇓
building this thing and get super jealous.
#439
⇓
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
#440
⇓
You were using me?
#441
⇓
I was just using you.
#442
⇓
- Yeah, I was, but it didn't work.
#443
⇓
Now get!
#444
⇓
- Did you just tell me to "get"?
#445
⇓
I said, "Get!"
#446
⇓
- No, I'm not gonna "get!"
#447
⇓
We're sticking to the plan,
#448
⇓
and we're building this stupid rocket
#449
⇓
and your mom's gonna pop off on me.
#450
⇓
- No, no, no, no.
#451
⇓
Dude, that's not even my expression.
#452
⇓
That's, like, something I heard, like,
#453
⇓
one of the girls in my class say.
#454
⇓
- That's so much worse.
#455
⇓
- Yeah, that-- that sounded bad.
#456
⇓
No. No, no. Honestly, Trish.
#457
⇓
That's not how I feel about you.
#458
⇓
- You heard the lady, Jack.
#459
⇓
Get. - Oh, my god.
#460
⇓
What is this "get" business? No.
#461
⇓
Look, okay, Trish, I'm tired of this.
#462
⇓
You gotta choose.
#463
⇓
Either him or me.
#464
⇓
Him!
#465
⇓
Obviously him!
#466
⇓
- Aww!
#467
⇓
Come on. Real
#468
⇓
- Get!
#469
⇓
Fine.
#470
⇓
I'm taking my two-part epoxy.
#471
⇓
- Oh, my god.
#472
⇓
.
#473
⇓
all: Shame on you! Shame on you!
#474
⇓
Shame on you!
#475
⇓
Shame on you!
#476
⇓
Shame on you!
#477
⇓
Shame on you!
#478
⇓
- Have you all lost your damn minds?
#479
⇓
A Durbin piñata?
#480
⇓
Okay, you guys took it way too far.
#481
⇓
Everybody, go back to class!
#482
⇓
Oh, my kingdom.
#483
⇓
What happened to my kingdom?
#484
⇓
- I'll tell you what happened.
#485
⇓
You used to be a cool-ass king,
#486
⇓
but now you're wack as hell.
#487
⇓
I shut down the protest, Ralph.
#488
⇓
'Cause I have your back,
#489
⇓
even though you didn't have mine.
#490
⇓
- That's an incredible likeness.
#491
⇓
- We just finished the papier-mâché unit.
#492
⇓
I'm a good teacher, Ralph.
#493
⇓
- I know. You're--you're the best.
#494
⇓
I should have supported you.
#495
⇓
But I pussed out in front of all those parents.
#496
⇓
I You know what?
#497
⇓
I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.
#498
⇓
To make up for it, I am gonna put this right here.
#499
⇓
So that your beautiful, strong, sexy,
#500
⇓
brave, empowered back will watch over
#501
⇓
every move I make as king of this high school.
#502
⇓
- Okay. Now you're making this weird.
#503
⇓
This is art.
#504
⇓
Look at the supple shoulder blades.
#505
⇓
The voluptuous spine.
#506
⇓
I'm taking this.
#507
⇓
You can't be trusted.
#508
⇓
You want it too bad.
#509
⇓
Dirty Durbs trying to peep my back?
#510
⇓
No, please.
#511
⇓
- All right, guys.
#512
⇓
Grade update.
#513
⇓
Everybody's got an A
#514
⇓
except for Colin, who has an F.
#515
⇓
- You're just mad because my mom won't give you an F.
#516
⇓
class: Ooh!
#517
⇓
Oh, we're doing "Oohs" now?
#518
⇓
Huh? Is that gonna be a thing?
#519
⇓
- What's the real reason you're mad?
#520
⇓
- He's just mad 'cause his dad sucks.
#521
⇓
News flash, Colin:
#522
⇓
All dads suck.
#523
⇓
Okay? All they do is yell at the TV
#524
⇓
and burp loudly while talking
#525
⇓
and forget to take you fishing
#526
⇓
every single Saturday for six months
#527
⇓
even though you bought ice fishing boots
#528
⇓
with your birthday money.
#529
⇓
Dads are full idiots!
#530
⇓
- That hurt runs deep, y'all.
#531
⇓
- It's a male leotard
#532
⇓
for a protest that's now over.
#533
⇓
Does anyone have an XL cardigan or a shawl?
#534
⇓
- The point is, Colin, nobody likes dads, all right?
#535
⇓
Class, raise your hand if you like your dad.
#536
⇓
- Yeah. - He's my hero.
#537
⇓
- I love my dad even though he restricts my Internet access.
#538
⇓
- Oh, yeah. My mom's the problem.
#539
⇓
- I guess we're the only ones with bad dads.
#540
⇓
*
#541
⇓
- All right.
#542
⇓
Now, if you hit the ball just right,
#543
⇓
you should hit one of the rockets
#544
⇓
and cause a domino effect.
#545
⇓
- My mom would probably think this is cool of you.
#546
⇓
- Yeah, well, this isn't about her.
#547
⇓
All right, go ahead and line up your shot.
#548
⇓
Go ahead.
#549
⇓
A little bit wider on your stance there, bud.
#550
⇓
Good.
#551
⇓
All right.
#552
⇓
Give it a blast.
#553
⇓
- I missed it.
#554
⇓
- Okay. Uh...
#555
⇓
Well, look, man. It had a lot of power on it.
#556
⇓
I certainly felt the wind.
#557
⇓
Here. Let me--let me give it a whirl.
#558
⇓
Let's see what we got here.
#559
⇓
All right.
#560
⇓
- Oh!
#561
⇓
Ooh!
#562
⇓
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
#563
⇓
What are you doing, man?
#564
⇓
What are you doing? Come on.
#565
⇓
- I see them!
#566
⇓
Up there! - Get 'em!
#567
⇓
- Good morning, Lisa Loeb, my little snuggle bug.
#568
⇓
- That's not me.
#569
⇓
- Read the caption.
#570
⇓
- "Nothing better than a quick neck lick
#571
⇓
in a DQ parking lot."
#572
⇓
Is that where you take
#573
⇓
all your musician girlfriends, Miles?
#574
⇓
Alanis Morissette!
#575
⇓
- No, no. Not my Michelle Obama...
#576
⇓
Commemorative plate.
#577
⇓
Ah, that's expensive.
#578
⇓
You missed one, baby.
#579
⇓
- No, no, no, no.
#580
⇓
Don't do that. You'll put your back out.
#581
⇓
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
#582
⇓
That--that is not real.
#583
⇓
That is some exceptionally good photo doctoring,
#584
⇓
but it's not real.
#585
⇓
This, this heat, this fire, all this mess:
#586
⇓
this, this is real.
#587
⇓
- I hate you. - Good.
#588
⇓
Because you can't hate what you don't love.
#589
⇓
Huh?
#590
⇓
- All right.
#591
⇓
- Yeah.
#592
⇓
[intro to Lisa Loeb's "Stay" plays]
#593
⇓
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