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Home » A.P. Bio » S01E07 — Selling Out

A.P. Bio

Season 1, Episode 7 — Selling Out

TMDB episode metadata

Show: A.P. Bio

Episode title: Selling Out

Air date: March 22, 2018

Director: Payman Benz

Top billed cast: Glenn Howerton, Patton Oswalt, Lyric Lewis, Mary Sohn, Jean Villepique, Tom Bennett

Jack receives an offer from Miles' publisher to write a book of feel-good philosophy that could be his ticket out of Toledo. Durbin accidentally sets off an emotional firestorm when he reveals that while Stef chose Mary as her emergency contact, Mary chose Michelle.

Source: TMDB

↓

.

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes!

↓

Death.

death

↓

What? I-I told you

↓

today was a day for quiet reflection.

quiet reflection today

↓

- Can we at least do a Miles Mission?

least miles miles-mission mission

↓

- Not needed today.

needed today

↓

I'm writing a book that's going to crush him,

book crush writing

↓

so everyone stop talking.

↓

Just go to sleep. Does anyone know any lullabies?

sleep

↓

- ♪ The sun is yawning

yawning

↓

♪ It's sleepy-time

sleepy

↓

♪ Dreams are spawning

dreams

↓

♪ Clouds decline

clouds decline

↓

- O-okay. Interesting.

interesting

↓

Is that an original? Yeah?

original

↓

All right, well, I have a lot of follow-up questions,

follow questions

↓

but I will not get sucked into any of this today.

sucked today

↓

♪

↓

- ♪ In the sleepy west

sleepy west

↓

♪ Of the woody east

east

↓

♪ Is a valley full

full valley

↓

♪ Full o' pioneer

full pioneer

↓

♪ We're not just kids

kids

↓

♪ To say the least

least

↓

♪ We got ideas

ideas

↓

♪ To us that's dear

dear

↓

♪ Like capitalist

capitalist

↓

♪ Like communist

communist

↓

Ah!

↓

Stupid water heater!

heater stupid water

↓

- ♪ You've heard about

heard

↓

♪ And redneckers

↓

♪ They get us pissed

pissed

↓

Jack, my friend, you just wrote your way

friend jack wrote

↓

out of this dried-up turd of a town.

dried town turd

↓

- Did you just call Toledo a dried

dried toledo

↓

- I did. I did, and it is.

↓

And thanks to this book I finished,

book finished thanks

↓

I will not be here much longer, hence the champagne.

champagne hence longer

↓

It's a beautiful day outside.

↓

Why don't we call it early?

early

↓

Cheers, guys!

cheers

↓

- We've got some time.

↓

How about the rest of that lullaby?

rest

↓

- Sure!

↓

♪ The sun is yawning

yawning

↓

[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]

heart ramones

↓

♪ It's sleepy-time - One, two, three, four!

four sleepy three three-four

↓

- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪

heart

↓

♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

smart

↓

♪

↓

- Hey! Jack-O!

jack

↓

I got your text.

text

↓

What's the big news?

news

↓

- Well, I just finished writing a new book,

book finished writing

↓

and I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are.

expose fraud

↓

- Yeah, it's my friend Jack.

friend jack

↓

He wrote a book!

book wrote

↓

- Jack! - Way to go!

jack

↓

- Uh, no, more of a--

↓

it's like a chill sesh, really.

chill

↓

Um, that's David Eggleston, my, uh, publisher.

david

↓

Steve Jones... from the Sex Pistols!

jones pistols steve

↓

And, uh, Bill Nye!

bill

↓

- We're all in the same meditation class.

class meditation

↓

Oh, and this is Fiona.

fiona

↓

Uh, she's a model.

model

↓

At Warby Parker!

parker

↓

Clever as well.

clever

↓

Where are you?

↓

- Oh, I'm, um...

↓

I'm actually also-- I'm at my

↓

lady friend's apartment.

apartment friends lady

↓

- All this old lady stuff is-- she's being ironic.

ironic lady stuff

↓

You know.

↓

- Oh! Flav's here with the nachos!

nachos

↓

- Wait, Flavor Flav was in your meditation class?

class flavor meditation

↓

- No. I'm just a fan of Miles.

miles

↓

His book changed my life.

book changed life

↓

Philosophy, boy-ee!

philosophy

↓

- Ah! So, what's your book about... boy

book

↓

- Well, I can tell you what it isn't.

↓

It's not some upbeat pop philosophy

philosophy upbeat

↓

with a dumb title like "A Hundred Smiles

dumb hundred smiles title

↓

in Your Pocket" or some...

pocket

↓

- Yeah, no, my book is the real deal.

book deal real real-deal

↓

It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death."

called death philosophy

↓

It's tough stuff, but I think it's really gonna resonate.

stuff tough

↓

- Hey! Eggleston's one of the top boys as Colfax.

boys

↓

Have you sent them a copy?

copy sent

↓

- Yes, Miles, I didn't forget to send

forget miles send

↓

my book out to one of the biggest

biggest book

↓

publishing houses in the country.

country houses publishing

↓

- Great, then I shall put in a good word.

word

↓

Not to brag, but they're kind of obsessed with me.

brag obsessed

↓

- He's the best! - Oh, shut up.

best

↓

Oh, it-- ah, he--

↓

listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh,

jack

↓

because David Blaine's about to levitate

david

↓

on the driveway.

driveway

↓

See ya!

↓

- Why is Miles getting to hang out with a Sex Pistol?

hang miles pistol

↓

I should be hanging out with a Sex Pistol.

hanging pistol

↓

- You gotta get the... - I know...

↓

- Oh, look at you two sharing another Cobb salad.

another cobb salad sharing

↓

You know what I say.

↓

Share everything except negativity.

except share

↓

both: Mm-hmm. - And napkins.

napkins

↓

- Yeah, we're with you. - Oh, crap!

↓

Superintendent's been on hold for 42 minutes.

minutes

↓

- Wow. - Good job, Helen.

helen

↓

- Okay, guys, uh, we need to update

update

↓

everyone's emergency contact info.

contact emergency emergency-contact everyones info

↓

As you know, last week, Mrs. Kenwood had a fall.

fall week

↓

We called her emergency contact.

called contact emergency emergency-contact

↓

Turns out it was her ex-boyfriend

boyfriend turns

↓

and current stalker.

current

↓

Long story short, he already knew.

short story story-short

↓

Not a good guy. Okay.

↓

So let's get started.

started

↓

Michelle has put down her husband, Keith.

husband keith michelle

↓

- Dreamboat alert!

alert

↓

- Michelle, please, we need to get through this quickly.

michelle quickly

↓

Stef has put down Mary.

mary stef

↓

- Cobb club!

club cobb

↓

- Okay, can we just-- thank you.

↓

Mary has put down Michelle, and Cathy has put down Ben--

cathy mary michelle

↓

- Wait. What did you just say?

↓

Mary, what is the deal, girl?

deal girl mary

↓

We were sitting next to each other

sitting

↓

when we filled these out.

filled

↓

I put you down, and I told you to put me down.

↓

- Right, you definitely told me to put you down,

↓

but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I decided

decided grown woman

↓

to put Michelle down.

michelle

↓

Don't have a Stef freak-out and start yelling.

freak start stef yelling

↓

- I am not yelling!

yelling

↓

Ralph, am I yelling?

ralph yelling

↓

- Ralph, would you call this yelling?

ralph yelling

↓

- Would you consider this a yell?

consider yell

↓

'Cause I think this is a very low-decibel "Ralph"!

ralph

↓

- Ralph, when someone yells-- - I don't even yell, Ralph!

ralph yell yells

↓

I have a change of voice, Ralph!

change ralph voice

↓

- Hey! Oh, I can't do this. Walk away, Ralph.

ralph walk

↓

You can share your lunch with someone else.

lunch share

↓

And give me my damn tomato.

tomato

↓

This is mine.

↓

- You can have half my beefy broccoli.

beefy half

↓

It really needs to be eaten today.

eaten needs today

↓

It's right on the edge.

edge

↓

- All right, well, you didn't get it.

↓

♪

↓

Oh, come on.

↓

♪

↓

Even the Germans?

germans

↓

Tell you guys, man, the whole publishing world now

publishing whole world

↓

is filled with a bunch of corporate frat guys

bunch corporate filled frat

↓

just so busy high-fiving themselves

busy fiving

↓

and quoting "Scarface" to appreciate real genius.

appreciate genius quoting real

↓

I'm gonna be stuck in this dead-end hell town forever.

dead forever stuck town

↓

- Yesterday you called it a dried-up turd town.

called dried town turd yesterday

↓

- Sounds like you're warming up to Toledo.

sounds toledo warming

↓

- Uh, quick, everybody, uh, pretend

everybody pretend quick

↓

you're at a fancy cocktail party.

cocktail fancy party

↓

- This is a wonderful fancy cocktail.

cocktail fancy

↓

- Free shrimp, I can just... eat as much shrimp as I want?

free shrimp

↓

All of it? - Alcohol.

alcohol

↓

Because we're grown-ups.

grown

↓

- Stop! Okay. All right. That's enough. Plan B.

plan

↓

Just cover your mouths and shut up.

cover mouths

↓

Don't say anything. Hello! Miles!

miles

↓

- Hey! Jack-O.

jack

↓

Brilliant news.

brilliant news

↓

My publishers want to work with you.

↓

- Your publishers want to work with me?

↓

Great, well, tell 'em they better hurry up

hurry

↓

'cause I'm about to close a number of deals

close deals number

↓

on "A Philosophy of Death."

death philosophy

↓

You know, big deals.

deals

↓

A big number of-of big deals.

deals number

↓

- No, uh, not a problem, 'cause the guys at Colfax

problem

↓

didn't actually want that book.

book

↓

They felt it was a little dark.

dark

↓

But they loved your other idea.

idea loved

↓

- "A Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket."

hundred pocket smiles

↓

- I was being sarcastic.

sarcastic

↓

Well, they love it.

love

↓

A hundred fun, easily digestible

easily fun hundred

↓

philosophy nuggets that help you smile!

nuggets philosophy smile

↓

- I've got the lemons!

lemons

↓

- Steve, mate, I'm on the blower here, bro.

mate steve

↓

S-sorry, Jack, it's Steve Jones.

jack jones steve

↓

- Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols?

jones pistols steve

↓

Are you kidding me, Miles, what is happening over there?

kidding miles

↓

Weirdest week ever.

week weirdest

↓

- Yeah, all right, well, you know,

↓

look, I'm not a sellout,

↓

so why don't you go ahead

ahead go-ahead

↓

and find some other clown

clown

↓

to fill your pants with smiles?

fill pants smiles

↓

- Ah, mm, that's a shame, 'cause, I mean,

shame

↓

it would mean a $40,000 advance.

advance

↓

- Uh, 40-- well, yeah, I'm gonna do it!

↓

I mean, of course I'm gonna--

course

↓

what was the idea, though, again?

idea

↓

"A Mile of Smiles in Your Bonnet"?

mile smiles

↓

I'll write it down this time.

write

↓

.

↓

Oh, magnificent.

magnificent

↓

- Your new water heater's ready to go.

heaters ready water

↓

- Great! Thank you, Jiffy.

jiffy

↓

- That's the name of the company.

company name

↓

My name's Don.

names

↓

Well, how was I supposed to know that?

supposed

↓

All right, well, I don't have time

↓

to read your whole shirt, pal.

read shirt whole

↓

All right, thanks. Take care.

care thanks

↓

- All right, you're all set.

↓

Time for you to get to know your remote.

remote

↓

- I-I think I got it, man.

↓

Um, and do me a favor, leave the box.

favor

↓

I think I'm gonna be moving to New York City soon.

city moving york york-city

↓

Yeah, oh, and, uh, why don't you get

↓

something nice for your wife?

wife

↓

- Ooh. Thank you.

↓

But I do not have a wife.

wife

↓

I want a wife so much.

wife

↓

- Okay. All right. Off you go.

↓

Thank you.

↓

[cell phone chiming and buzzing]

buzzing cell cell-phone chiming phone

↓

Hey! Miles.

miles

↓

- Howdy-hi, Jack-O! How's the book coming along?

along book coming coming-along howdy jack

↓

- It's going great-- hey, speaking of, uh,

speaking

↓

when can I expect that, uh, money to hit my account?

account expect money

↓

- Listen, that's why I'm calling you.

calling

↓

You need to fly out to New York on Friday

friday york

↓

and just do a little dog and pony show

pony

↓

for the guys at Colfax.

↓

- So, what, I gotta bro out with a bunch of middle-aged

aged bunch middle middle-aged

↓

frat guys who know nothing about good writing?

frat writing

↓

- No, you just gotta present some "smiles."

present smiles

↓

- Sure, man. Uh, yeah, whatever.

↓

- Well, then, I shall tell them full steam ahead.

ahead full steam

↓

Listen, I've gotta go-- me and David Blaine

blaine david

↓

are getting our teeth whitened.

teeth

↓

More.

↓

Mental. Ciao for now.

mental

↓

- Aw!

↓

Why does he get to...

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

- Hey, Jack!

jack

↓

Have you ever seen a turtle

seen turtle

↓

with a kitten riding on its back?

kitten riding

↓

- Uh, no.

↓

- Well, you got somethin' to look forward to, hon.

forward somethin

↓

- You know, this incessant happy talk

happy incessant

↓

is a form of harassment.

form harassment

↓

- Aww.

↓

What you got there?

↓

- It's an Italian espresso maker for the faculty lounge.

espresso faculty italian lounge maker

↓

- Fancy. Does it make cocoa?

cocoa fancy

↓

Because I'm a strict cocoa-tarian.

cocoa strict

↓

- You know, I mean this in the nicest possible way,

nicest possible

↓

but you might be the worst person I've ever met.

might person worst worst-person

↓

- I'm gonna squeeze the candy out of ya!

candy squeeze

↓

- See, I really don't like blue cheese.

blue cheese

↓

- Oh, just...

↓

Just laugh real hard at whatever I say.

hard laugh real real-hard

↓

Just... yes?

↓

- Oh-ho-ho!

↓

- Hoo! - Oh-ho!

↓

- Quick, tell me the funniest thing

funniest quick

↓

you've ever heard in your entire life.

entire entire-life heard life

↓

- Um... oh, well, Keith made me the cutest lunch.

cutest keith lunch

↓

Yes!

↓

- Ha-ha! You...

↓

- You're just staring. You're not doing anything.

staring

↓

- Actually...

↓

You know what I want to know from you guys?

↓

Tell me, what makes you smile?

makes smile

↓

- This feels like a trap. - No, no, it's not a trap.

feels trap

↓

Come on, guys. Extra credit.

credit extra extra-credit

↓

Wh

↓

- Getting my biology book back.

biology book

↓

- Mutant strains.

mutant strains

↓

- My iPhone. - "Star Wars" LEGOs.

star star-wars wars

↓

- Dinner with my dad

dinner

↓

every third Wednesday.

third wednesday

↓

- I got one-- so an African-American,

african african-american american

↓

a Mexican-American, and a honky walk into a bar--

american honky mexican walk

↓

- No. No. Uh-uh.

↓

No, we're not gonna-- we're not gonna do that.

↓

That's-that's not what I'm talking about.

↓

Think more, like, warm and fuzzy, you know?

fuzzy warm

↓

And-and don't be afraid to share somethin'

afraid share somethin

↓

that just makes you feel good.

makes

↓

- It feels really good to pee in the shower.

feels shower

↓

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I know.

↓

But that's-that's not what I mean.

↓

- Sorry to interrupt

interrupt

↓

all the learnin', but I got a little bad news.

news

↓

The wasps have overtaken the band room again,

band room

↓

so practice is canceled.

canceled practice

↓

Don't be sad, though,

↓

because every frown is just a smile

frown smile

↓

you're lookin' at the wrong way!

lookin

↓

- Oh, Helen, you beautiful idiot.

helen idiot

↓

♪

↓

Hey!

↓

- Good morning!

morning

↓

- There she is. Uh, Helen, would you like

helen

↓

to come to dinner tonight at my place?

dinner dinner-tonight place tonight

↓

- I knew I shouldn't have worn this low-cut blouse.

blouse worn

↓

Jack, I am sorry, but you're just not my type.

jack type

↓

- No! No, it's not that.

↓

I just thought it might be nice

might

↓

for us to get to know each other.

↓

Well, I would love that!

love

↓

Looks like somebody got bit by the sweetie bug!

somebody sweetie

↓

- Right on my li'l bum-bum.

↓

- Oh!

↓

- Your bum-bum!

↓

Oh, that's so cute!

cute

↓

I have not heard "bum-bum."

heard

↓

I am gonna have a nip slip on this.

slip

↓

.

↓

- Jack.

jack

↓

That was the most sumptuous plate of food

food plate

↓

I have ever had in my whole life.

life whole whole-life

↓

- Yeah. Spaghetti's good.

↓

Uh, but listen, there is...

↓

another reason why I brought you here tonight.

another brought reason tonight

↓

- Damn this blouse!

blouse

↓

- No, Helen, it's not the-- it's never gonna be the blouse,

blouse helen

↓

all right, I just, I'm working on a book

book working

↓

to help people smile, and I thought,

smile

↓

well, who makes me smile more than anyone?

makes smile

↓

- Yeah.

↓

Ha-ha. Helen does.

helen

↓

So, um, I need your help.

↓

- Oh, I'd be so honored to help you with your book.

book honored

↓

You know what I always say.

↓

Always go for a second helping of helping!

helping second

↓

- Okay, yes! That's the stuff I need.

stuff

↓

Yeah, I-I need-- I need more of those.

↓

You got a bunch of those?

bunch

↓

- Well, how about we get together tomorrow,

tomorrow

↓

maybe lunchtime,

lunchtime

↓

and I can give you a whole bunch of 'em--

bunch whole whole-bunch

↓

- No, no, no. No, uh, now.

↓

I need 'em now.

↓

- Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out.

jack

↓

It's almost 8:30.

↓

- Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, just--

↓

I just need-- I need 75 more of these,

↓

and then we're good-- come on, we can do it.

↓

Look, I'll, uh, I'll make us some coffee.

coffee

↓

- Oh, I-I really shouldn't. - Helen.

helen

↓

What's one cup?

↓

- Ugh, God, that smells good.

smells

↓

High fives and low fives are better than no fives!

fives

↓

- Ha-ha!

↓

- If somebody calls you a wet blanket,

blanket calls somebody

↓

ask 'em how they'd like it in a desert

desert theyd

↓

if they saw you there.

↓

Are you getting this?

↓

- Yes. Yes. M-more. More.

↓

- If you step on a berry, you just made some jam!

berry step

↓

I think I need more coffee, Jack.

coffee jack

↓

If you pass gas when you leave a room,

pass room

↓

it's called a toodle-oo!

called

↓

- That the first half of something?

half

↓

- If you spill your milk,

milk spill

↓

it's just a paper towel gettin' a promotion!

gettin paper promotion towel

↓

Oh, my God, here's a good one, Jack.

jack

↓

If you escape the womb, you can escape anything!

escape womb

↓

Boom!

boom

↓

- I am gonna be rich.

rich

↓

- So that was the Wikipedia entry,

entry

↓

and this is your paper.

paper

↓

- Okay, Ralph.

ralph

↓

It is the third Friday of the month.

friday month third

↓

Funky Friday?

friday funky

↓

The day that Mary and I usually break out the karaoke machine?

break karaoke karaoke-machine machine mary usually

↓

Well, today, Mary can suck an egg,

mary suck today

↓

because you and I are going to crush a duet.

crush duet

↓

- Oh, no, I haven't performed in years.

years

↓

I mean, I played trombone in a ska band in college.

band college played

↓

You know, the Skanky Doodles.

doodles skanky

↓

We had a killer rendition of "Proud to Be an American,"

american killer proud

↓

all ska'd out, and, you know, it was ironic.

ironic

↓

But also, no, we were very patriotic

patriotic

↓

but also questioned everything.

↓

You know, the... '90s were nuts!

nuts

↓

- You'll be fine.

↓

No one's gonna be looking at you anyway.

looking ones

↓

See you later, girl!

girl

↓

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

↓

That's my presentation. Give me that.

presentation

↓

Don't ever go through my stuff again,

stuff

↓

or I'll beat your ass with whatever I can... find.

beat

↓

- Aw, you seem upset.

upset

↓

Yo, maybe this will cheer you up.

cheer

↓

Fries are like jeans-- they, uh, go with anything.

fries jeans

↓

That's very funny.

funny

↓

You know what's really gonna cheer me up?

cheer

↓

All the money I'm gonna get from the millions

millions money

↓

of people who buy my new book.

book

↓

- "Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket"?

hundred pocket smiles

↓

That's lame.

lame

↓

- "You grow each day.

grow

↓

Just ask your fingernails."

fingernails

↓

- Yeah, well, of course it sounds terrible

course sounds

↓

when Marcus reads it.

marcus reads

↓

- This is the book you told Miles

book miles

↓

you weren't gonna write.

write

↓

- It seems like you're selling out, boss.

boss seems selling

↓

- No, this isn't selling out.

selling

↓

Let me just explain how the world works.

explain works world

↓

You see, sometimes, you write something

sometimes write

↓

that's just so brilliant

brilliant

↓

that dum-dums don't want to publish it.

publish

↓

So you go schmooze with a couple Chad Bro Chillingtons,

chad couple

↓

you know, and then you crank out

crank

↓

whatever drivel they want, get paid.

drivel paid

↓

- That is the exact definition of selling out.

definition exact selling

↓

- Yeah, well, I'll be sure to explain that

explain

↓

to the Sex Pistols when we're watching

pistols watching

↓

David Copperfield levitate in my hot tub.

david

↓

- Maybe he can pull your integrity out of a hat.

integrity pull

↓

- He certainly made your principles disappear.

certainly disappear principles

↓

Right? - Ha. Magic puns.

magic

↓

Yeah, nice.

↓

The ultimate indicator of popularity.

popularity ultimate

↓

You know what? I'm gonna take off,

↓

go to the airport early,

airport early

↓

grab a Cinnabon.

grab

↓

- I got it-- "Maybe David Copperfield

david

↓

could pull a rabbit out of--"

pull rabbit

↓

- Dude, he left.

left

↓

.

↓

- It is Friday! Who's ready to get funky?

friday funky ready

↓

- Hey, guys.

↓

- Me and my bestie are going to sing it out.

sing

↓

Come on, Durbs. - All right. Ahem.

ahem durbs

↓

- ♪ I tell you what I want, what I really ♪

↓

♪ Really want, so tell me what you want ♪

↓

♪ What you really, really want ♪

↓

- ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪

↓

♪ Really, really, really want to zig-a-zig-nope! ♪

nope

↓

Guys, I'm sorry, this... ugh, this is wrong.

↓

All right? And I don't mean my singing.

singing

↓

I think I surprised everyone, including myself,

including surprised

↓

with how good I was, but Mary and Stef,

mary stef

↓

you guys, you've had the smallest disagreement,

smallest

↓

a-and you're both being so stubborn.

stubborn

↓

I mean, one of you has gotta step up

step

↓

and be the bigger woman.

bigger woman

↓

- I know he did not just say "bigger woman."

bigger woman

↓

- Fine, you know what, I guess--

↓

I guess I did freak out a little bit

freak

↓

because I was jealous that you picked Michelle,

jealous michelle picked

↓

and I thought we agreed we were picking each other.

agreed picking

↓

- But we didn't agree.

agree

↓

You told me to put you down and just thought

↓

I would follow along, and I usually do.

along follow usually

↓

Cobb club. Funky Friday.

club cobb friday funky

↓

Getting our nails done on the 14th of every month.

month nails

↓

Gotta come up with a name for that one.

name

↓

- So you don't like all of that stuff.

stuff

↓

- No, I love it!

love

↓

But that doesn't mean I'm gonna blindly do everything you say.

blindly

↓

Besides, I only chose Michelle as my emergency contact

besides chose contact emergency emergency-contact michelle

↓

'cause if something crazy happened to me,

crazy happened

↓

well, you'd be right by my side doing it too.

side

↓

Remember the last time we almost died?

died remember

↓

Drunk, topless, parasailing in the Bahamas?

drunk

↓

- Mm-hmm. Girl, you're right.

girl

↓

I guess if there was an emergency,

emergency

↓

chances are we'd be in it together.

chances

↓

You know what, Ralph?

ralph

↓

Make Michelle my emergency contact too.

contact emergency emergency-contact michelle

↓

- Aww! You're so sweet!

sweet

↓

- Mm-hmm.

↓

- So, okay, worst-case scenario,

case case-scenario scenario worst worst-case worst-case-scenario

↓

how long do you want me to wait

↓

before I give that plug a little yank?

plug yank

↓

- Jeez, Michelle! - Long! Very long!

jeez michelle

↓

- Okay. Okay.

↓

♪

↓

♪

↓

- All right, come on, bitch.

bitch

↓

Come on, bitch.

bitch

↓

You got this, bitch.

bitch

↓

Don't be a bitch!

bitch

↓

Come on, bitch. You little bitch!

bitch

↓

Hey! What's up, bro?

↓

What's up, bronies?

↓

Hey, brosephinas. Nice.

↓

Oh! It's the Egg-Man from the FaceTime.

↓

Say hello to my little friend.

friend

↓

Mm Yep.

↓

- Hey, Jack.

jack

↓

Uh, we're really excited about this.

excited

↓

- Totally.

↓

- No.

↓

No, guys, I can't, uh...

↓

I can't do this.

↓

Look, I, uh...

↓

I want to tell you guys about something better.

↓

It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death."

called death philosophy

↓

That's me.

↓

That's what I'm about.

↓

- Yeah, I thought Miles told you.

miles

↓

It's not something we're interested in.

interested

↓

- Well, that's the only book on the table today, so...

book table today

↓

- We get it, Jack, I mean,

jack

↓

the smile book must have been pretty tough for you to write.

book must smile tough write

↓

- Hold on a second there. Who said it was tough?

second tough

↓

'Cause that wasn't tough, all right?

tough

↓

And if you guys read what I wrote, you'd love it.

love read wrote

↓

You'd go nuts. You'd buy it in a heartbeat.

heartbeat nuts

↓

Here, let me just-- hold on.

↓

Oh, God.

↓

Who threw away all this potato salad?

potato potato-salad salad threw

↓

- That was mine. Sorry.

↓

- All right, well, whatever, I'm just gonna hit you guys

↓

with a couple of these smiles here.

couple smiles

↓

Uh, number 22.

number

↓

"It's not a flat tire, it's a swing."

flat swing tire

↓

Smile 46: "If you step on a berry,

berry smile step

↓

you just made jam."

↓

See, I think I've proven my point.

point proven

↓

You know, I can-- I can crank out

crank

↓

the kind of crap you guys want, but guess what?

↓

You're never gonna get any of it.

↓

- Yeah, none of this is what we wanted, at all.

wanted

↓

- You know what, I'm glad I'm not moving

glad moving

↓

to this stupid city.

city stupid

↓

It's just filled with a bunch of sellouts

bunch filled

↓

like you, Eggleston.

↓

Yeah, you're all just a bunch

bunch

↓

of fedora-wearing phonies!

wearing

↓

- None of us have fedoras.

fedoras

↓

- Buddy... you are a fedora.

buddy

↓

So, I wasn't able to hit Eggleston,

able

↓

but I pee-peed on his building,

building peed

↓

and I popped one of the interns pretty good.

interns popped

↓

There's a warrant for my arrest in New York,

arrest warrant york

↓

but guess what?

↓

I ain't in New York.

aint york

↓

- So, a bunch of us read your book about death.

book bunch death read

↓

- Yeah, yeah, it's-- you know, it's... bleak.

bleak

↓

- It was awesome.

awesome

↓

- I can't stop thinking about it.

thinking

↓

- Parts of it were, like, scary.

parts scary

↓

- And I like the part about how, uh,

part

↓

destruction and creation are basically the same thing.

creation destruction

↓

- Oh, or the mouse trap analogy.

mouse trap

↓

That was about destruction, right?

destruction

↓

- No, no, it was about creation.

creation

↓

- They're the same thing, idiot.

idiot

↓

- No, that's the thing, it's a cyclical process, right?

process

↓

- I'm dying. - Totally.

dying

↓

- We're dying. Man, you dying!

dying

↓

You're dying-- you got a little sister?

dying sister

↓

She dying too!

dying