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» S01E07 — Selling Out
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Season 1, Episode 7 — Selling Out
.
#1
⇓
Yes!
#2
⇓
Yes!
#3
⇓
Death.
#4
⇓
What? I-I told you
#5
⇓
today was a day for quiet reflection.
#6
⇓
- Can we at least do a Miles Mission?
#7
⇓
- Not needed today.
#8
⇓
I'm writing a book that's going to crush him,
#9
⇓
so everyone stop talking.
#10
⇓
Just go to sleep. Does anyone know any lullabies?
#11
⇓
- ♪ The sun is yawning
#12
⇓
♪ It's sleepy-time
#13
⇓
♪ Dreams are spawning
#14
⇓
♪ Clouds decline
#15
⇓
- O-okay. Interesting.
#16
⇓
Is that an original? Yeah?
#17
⇓
All right, well, I have a lot of follow-up questions,
#18
⇓
but I will not get sucked into any of this today.
#19
⇓
♪
#20
⇓
- ♪ In the sleepy west
#21
⇓
♪ Of the woody east
#22
⇓
♪ Is a valley full
#23
⇓
♪ Full o' pioneer
#24
⇓
♪ We're not just kids
#25
⇓
♪ To say the least
#26
⇓
♪ We got ideas
#27
⇓
♪ To us that's dear
#28
⇓
♪ Like capitalist
#29
⇓
♪ Like communist
#30
⇓
Ah!
#31
⇓
Stupid water heater!
#32
⇓
- ♪ You've heard about
#33
⇓
♪ And redneckers
#34
⇓
♪ They get us pissed
#35
⇓
Jack, my friend, you just wrote your way
#36
⇓
out of this dried-up turd of a town.
#37
⇓
- Did you just call Toledo a dried
#38
⇓
- I did. I did, and it is.
#39
⇓
And thanks to this book I finished,
#40
⇓
I will not be here much longer, hence the champagne.
#41
⇓
It's a beautiful day outside.
#42
⇓
Why don't we call it early?
#43
⇓
Cheers, guys!
#44
⇓
- We've got some time.
#45
⇓
How about the rest of that lullaby?
#46
⇓
- Sure!
#47
⇓
♪ The sun is yawning
#48
⇓
[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]
#49
⇓
♪ It's sleepy-time - One, two, three, four!
#50
⇓
- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
#51
⇓
♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
#52
⇓
♪
#53
⇓
- Hey! Jack-O!
#54
⇓
I got your text.
#55
⇓
What's the big news?
#56
⇓
- Well, I just finished writing a new book,
#57
⇓
and I'm gonna expose you for the fraud you are.
#58
⇓
- Yeah, it's my friend Jack.
#59
⇓
He wrote a book!
#60
⇓
- Jack! - Way to go!
#61
⇓
- Uh, no, more of a--
#62
⇓
it's like a chill sesh, really.
#63
⇓
Um, that's David Eggleston, my, uh, publisher.
#64
⇓
Steve Jones... from the Sex Pistols!
#65
⇓
And, uh, Bill Nye!
#66
⇓
- We're all in the same meditation class.
#67
⇓
Oh, and this is Fiona.
#68
⇓
Uh, she's a model.
#69
⇓
At Warby Parker!
#70
⇓
Clever as well.
#71
⇓
Where are you?
#72
⇓
- Oh, I'm, um...
#73
⇓
I'm actually also-- I'm at my
#74
⇓
lady friend's apartment.
#75
⇓
- All this old lady stuff is-- she's being ironic.
#76
⇓
You know.
#77
⇓
- Oh! Flav's here with the nachos!
#78
⇓
- Wait, Flavor Flav was in your meditation class?
#79
⇓
- No. I'm just a fan of Miles.
#80
⇓
His book changed my life.
#81
⇓
Philosophy, boy-ee!
#82
⇓
- Ah! So, what's your book about... boy
#83
⇓
- Well, I can tell you what it isn't.
#84
⇓
It's not some upbeat pop philosophy
#85
⇓
with a dumb title like "A Hundred Smiles
#86
⇓
in Your Pocket" or some...
#87
⇓
- Yeah, no, my book is the real deal.
#88
⇓
It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death."
#89
⇓
It's tough stuff, but I think it's really gonna resonate.
#90
⇓
- Hey! Eggleston's one of the top boys as Colfax.
#91
⇓
Have you sent them a copy?
#92
⇓
- Yes, Miles, I didn't forget to send
#93
⇓
my book out to one of the biggest
#94
⇓
publishing houses in the country.
#95
⇓
- Great, then I shall put in a good word.
#96
⇓
Not to brag, but they're kind of obsessed with me.
#97
⇓
- He's the best! - Oh, shut up.
#98
⇓
Oh, it-- ah, he--
#99
⇓
listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh,
#100
⇓
because David Blaine's about to levitate
#101
⇓
on the driveway.
#102
⇓
See ya!
#103
⇓
- Why is Miles getting to hang out with a Sex Pistol?
#104
⇓
I should be hanging out with a Sex Pistol.
#105
⇓
- You gotta get the... - I know...
#106
⇓
- Oh, look at you two sharing another Cobb salad.
#107
⇓
You know what I say.
#108
⇓
Share everything except negativity.
#109
⇓
both: Mm-hmm. - And napkins.
#110
⇓
- Yeah, we're with you. - Oh, crap!
#111
⇓
Superintendent's been on hold for 42 minutes.
#112
⇓
- Wow. - Good job, Helen.
#113
⇓
- Okay, guys, uh, we need to update
#114
⇓
everyone's emergency contact info.
#115
⇓
As you know, last week, Mrs. Kenwood had a fall.
#116
⇓
We called her emergency contact.
#117
⇓
Turns out it was her ex-boyfriend
#118
⇓
and current stalker.
#119
⇓
Long story short, he already knew.
#120
⇓
Not a good guy. Okay.
#121
⇓
So let's get started.
#122
⇓
Michelle has put down her husband, Keith.
#123
⇓
- Dreamboat alert!
#124
⇓
- Michelle, please, we need to get through this quickly.
#125
⇓
Stef has put down Mary.
#126
⇓
- Cobb club!
#127
⇓
- Okay, can we just-- thank you.
#128
⇓
Mary has put down Michelle, and Cathy has put down Ben--
#129
⇓
- Wait. What did you just say?
#130
⇓
Mary, what is the deal, girl?
#131
⇓
We were sitting next to each other
#132
⇓
when we filled these out.
#133
⇓
I put you down, and I told you to put me down.
#134
⇓
- Right, you definitely told me to put you down,
#135
⇓
but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I decided
#136
⇓
to put Michelle down.
#137
⇓
Don't have a Stef freak-out and start yelling.
#138
⇓
- I am not yelling!
#139
⇓
Ralph, am I yelling?
#140
⇓
- Ralph, would you call this yelling?
#141
⇓
- Would you consider this a yell?
#142
⇓
'Cause I think this is a very low-decibel "Ralph"!
#143
⇓
- Ralph, when someone yells-- - I don't even yell, Ralph!
#144
⇓
I have a change of voice, Ralph!
#145
⇓
- Hey! Oh, I can't do this. Walk away, Ralph.
#146
⇓
You can share your lunch with someone else.
#147
⇓
And give me my damn tomato.
#148
⇓
This is mine.
#149
⇓
- You can have half my beefy broccoli.
#150
⇓
It really needs to be eaten today.
#151
⇓
It's right on the edge.
#152
⇓
- All right, well, you didn't get it.
#153
⇓
♪
#154
⇓
Oh, come on.
#155
⇓
♪
#156
⇓
Even the Germans?
#157
⇓
Tell you guys, man, the whole publishing world now
#158
⇓
is filled with a bunch of corporate frat guys
#159
⇓
just so busy high-fiving themselves
#160
⇓
and quoting "Scarface" to appreciate real genius.
#161
⇓
I'm gonna be stuck in this dead-end hell town forever.
#162
⇓
- Yesterday you called it a dried-up turd town.
#163
⇓
- Sounds like you're warming up to Toledo.
#164
⇓
- Uh, quick, everybody, uh, pretend
#165
⇓
you're at a fancy cocktail party.
#166
⇓
- This is a wonderful fancy cocktail.
#167
⇓
- Free shrimp, I can just... eat as much shrimp as I want?
#168
⇓
All of it? - Alcohol.
#169
⇓
Because we're grown-ups.
#170
⇓
- Stop! Okay. All right. That's enough. Plan B.
#171
⇓
Just cover your mouths and shut up.
#172
⇓
Don't say anything. Hello! Miles!
#173
⇓
- Hey! Jack-O.
#174
⇓
Brilliant news.
#175
⇓
My publishers want to work with you.
#176
⇓
- Your publishers want to work with me?
#177
⇓
Great, well, tell 'em they better hurry up
#178
⇓
'cause I'm about to close a number of deals
#179
⇓
on "A Philosophy of Death."
#180
⇓
You know, big deals.
#181
⇓
A big number of-of big deals.
#182
⇓
- No, uh, not a problem, 'cause the guys at Colfax
#183
⇓
didn't actually want that book.
#184
⇓
They felt it was a little dark.
#185
⇓
But they loved your other idea.
#186
⇓
- "A Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket."
#187
⇓
- I was being sarcastic.
#188
⇓
Well, they love it.
#189
⇓
A hundred fun, easily digestible
#190
⇓
philosophy nuggets that help you smile!
#191
⇓
- I've got the lemons!
#192
⇓
- Steve, mate, I'm on the blower here, bro.
#193
⇓
S-sorry, Jack, it's Steve Jones.
#194
⇓
- Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols?
#195
⇓
Are you kidding me, Miles, what is happening over there?
#196
⇓
Weirdest week ever.
#197
⇓
- Yeah, all right, well, you know,
#198
⇓
look, I'm not a sellout,
#199
⇓
so why don't you go ahead
#200
⇓
and find some other clown
#201
⇓
to fill your pants with smiles?
#202
⇓
- Ah, mm, that's a shame, 'cause, I mean,
#203
⇓
it would mean a $40,000 advance.
#204
⇓
- Uh, 40-- well, yeah, I'm gonna do it!
#205
⇓
I mean, of course I'm gonna--
#206
⇓
what was the idea, though, again?
#207
⇓
"A Mile of Smiles in Your Bonnet"?
#208
⇓
I'll write it down this time.
#209
⇓
.
#210
⇓
Oh, magnificent.
#211
⇓
- Your new water heater's ready to go.
#212
⇓
- Great! Thank you, Jiffy.
#213
⇓
- That's the name of the company.
#214
⇓
My name's Don.
#215
⇓
Well, how was I supposed to know that?
#216
⇓
All right, well, I don't have time
#217
⇓
to read your whole shirt, pal.
#218
⇓
All right, thanks. Take care.
#219
⇓
- All right, you're all set.
#220
⇓
Time for you to get to know your remote.
#221
⇓
- I-I think I got it, man.
#222
⇓
Um, and do me a favor, leave the box.
#223
⇓
I think I'm gonna be moving to New York City soon.
#224
⇓
Yeah, oh, and, uh, why don't you get
#225
⇓
something nice for your wife?
#226
⇓
- Ooh. Thank you.
#227
⇓
But I do not have a wife.
#228
⇓
I want a wife so much.
#229
⇓
- Okay. All right. Off you go.
#230
⇓
Thank you.
#231
⇓
[cell phone chiming and buzzing]
#232
⇓
Hey! Miles.
#233
⇓
- Howdy-hi, Jack-O! How's the book coming along?
#234
⇓
- It's going great-- hey, speaking of, uh,
#235
⇓
when can I expect that, uh, money to hit my account?
#236
⇓
- Listen, that's why I'm calling you.
#237
⇓
You need to fly out to New York on Friday
#238
⇓
and just do a little dog and pony show
#239
⇓
for the guys at Colfax.
#240
⇓
- So, what, I gotta bro out with a bunch of middle-aged
#241
⇓
frat guys who know nothing about good writing?
#242
⇓
- No, you just gotta present some "smiles."
#243
⇓
- Sure, man. Uh, yeah, whatever.
#244
⇓
- Well, then, I shall tell them full steam ahead.
#245
⇓
Listen, I've gotta go-- me and David Blaine
#246
⇓
are getting our teeth whitened.
#247
⇓
More.
#248
⇓
Mental. Ciao for now.
#249
⇓
- Aw!
#250
⇓
Why does he get to...
#251
⇓
Excuse me.
#252
⇓
- Hey, Jack!
#253
⇓
Have you ever seen a turtle
#254
⇓
with a kitten riding on its back?
#255
⇓
- Uh, no.
#256
⇓
- Well, you got somethin' to look forward to, hon.
#257
⇓
- You know, this incessant happy talk
#258
⇓
is a form of harassment.
#259
⇓
- Aww.
#260
⇓
What you got there?
#261
⇓
- It's an Italian espresso maker for the faculty lounge.
#262
⇓
- Fancy. Does it make cocoa?
#263
⇓
Because I'm a strict cocoa-tarian.
#264
⇓
- You know, I mean this in the nicest possible way,
#265
⇓
but you might be the worst person I've ever met.
#266
⇓
- I'm gonna squeeze the candy out of ya!
#267
⇓
- See, I really don't like blue cheese.
#268
⇓
- Oh, just...
#269
⇓
Just laugh real hard at whatever I say.
#270
⇓
Just... yes?
#271
⇓
- Oh-ho-ho!
#272
⇓
- Hoo! - Oh-ho!
#273
⇓
- Quick, tell me the funniest thing
#274
⇓
you've ever heard in your entire life.
#275
⇓
- Um... oh, well, Keith made me the cutest lunch.
#276
⇓
Yes!
#277
⇓
- Ha-ha! You...
#278
⇓
- You're just staring. You're not doing anything.
#279
⇓
- Actually...
#280
⇓
You know what I want to know from you guys?
#281
⇓
Tell me, what makes you smile?
#282
⇓
- This feels like a trap. - No, no, it's not a trap.
#283
⇓
Come on, guys. Extra credit.
#284
⇓
Wh
#285
⇓
- Getting my biology book back.
#286
⇓
- Mutant strains.
#287
⇓
- My iPhone. - "Star Wars" LEGOs.
#288
⇓
- Dinner with my dad
#289
⇓
every third Wednesday.
#290
⇓
- I got one-- so an African-American,
#291
⇓
a Mexican-American, and a honky walk into a bar--
#292
⇓
- No. No. Uh-uh.
#293
⇓
No, we're not gonna-- we're not gonna do that.
#294
⇓
That's-that's not what I'm talking about.
#295
⇓
Think more, like, warm and fuzzy, you know?
#296
⇓
And-and don't be afraid to share somethin'
#297
⇓
that just makes you feel good.
#298
⇓
- It feels really good to pee in the shower.
#299
⇓
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah. I know.
#300
⇓
But that's-that's not what I mean.
#301
⇓
- Sorry to interrupt
#302
⇓
all the learnin', but I got a little bad news.
#303
⇓
The wasps have overtaken the band room again,
#304
⇓
so practice is canceled.
#305
⇓
Don't be sad, though,
#306
⇓
because every frown is just a smile
#307
⇓
you're lookin' at the wrong way!
#308
⇓
- Oh, Helen, you beautiful idiot.
#309
⇓
♪
#310
⇓
Hey!
#311
⇓
- Good morning!
#312
⇓
- There she is. Uh, Helen, would you like
#313
⇓
to come to dinner tonight at my place?
#314
⇓
- I knew I shouldn't have worn this low-cut blouse.
#315
⇓
Jack, I am sorry, but you're just not my type.
#316
⇓
- No! No, it's not that.
#317
⇓
I just thought it might be nice
#318
⇓
for us to get to know each other.
#319
⇓
Well, I would love that!
#320
⇓
Looks like somebody got bit by the sweetie bug!
#321
⇓
- Right on my li'l bum-bum.
#322
⇓
- Oh!
#323
⇓
- Your bum-bum!
#324
⇓
Oh, that's so cute!
#325
⇓
I have not heard "bum-bum."
#326
⇓
I am gonna have a nip slip on this.
#327
⇓
.
#328
⇓
- Jack.
#329
⇓
That was the most sumptuous plate of food
#330
⇓
I have ever had in my whole life.
#331
⇓
- Yeah. Spaghetti's good.
#332
⇓
Uh, but listen, there is...
#333
⇓
another reason why I brought you here tonight.
#334
⇓
- Damn this blouse!
#335
⇓
- No, Helen, it's not the-- it's never gonna be the blouse,
#336
⇓
all right, I just, I'm working on a book
#337
⇓
to help people smile, and I thought,
#338
⇓
well, who makes me smile more than anyone?
#339
⇓
- Yeah.
#340
⇓
Ha-ha. Helen does.
#341
⇓
So, um, I need your help.
#342
⇓
- Oh, I'd be so honored to help you with your book.
#343
⇓
You know what I always say.
#344
⇓
Always go for a second helping of helping!
#345
⇓
- Okay, yes! That's the stuff I need.
#346
⇓
Yeah, I-I need-- I need more of those.
#347
⇓
You got a bunch of those?
#348
⇓
- Well, how about we get together tomorrow,
#349
⇓
maybe lunchtime,
#350
⇓
and I can give you a whole bunch of 'em--
#351
⇓
- No, no, no. No, uh, now.
#352
⇓
I need 'em now.
#353
⇓
- Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out.
#354
⇓
It's almost 8:30.
#355
⇓
- Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, just--
#356
⇓
I just need-- I need 75 more of these,
#357
⇓
and then we're good-- come on, we can do it.
#358
⇓
Look, I'll, uh, I'll make us some coffee.
#359
⇓
- Oh, I-I really shouldn't. - Helen.
#360
⇓
What's one cup?
#361
⇓
- Ugh, God, that smells good.
#362
⇓
High fives and low fives are better than no fives!
#363
⇓
- Ha-ha!
#364
⇓
- If somebody calls you a wet blanket,
#365
⇓
ask 'em how they'd like it in a desert
#366
⇓
if they saw you there.
#367
⇓
Are you getting this?
#368
⇓
- Yes. Yes. M-more. More.
#369
⇓
- If you step on a berry, you just made some jam!
#370
⇓
I think I need more coffee, Jack.
#371
⇓
If you pass gas when you leave a room,
#372
⇓
it's called a toodle-oo!
#373
⇓
- That the first half of something?
#374
⇓
- If you spill your milk,
#375
⇓
it's just a paper towel gettin' a promotion!
#376
⇓
Oh, my God, here's a good one, Jack.
#377
⇓
If you escape the womb, you can escape anything!
#378
⇓
Boom!
#379
⇓
- I am gonna be rich.
#380
⇓
- So that was the Wikipedia entry,
#381
⇓
and this is your paper.
#382
⇓
- Okay, Ralph.
#383
⇓
It is the third Friday of the month.
#384
⇓
Funky Friday?
#385
⇓
The day that Mary and I usually break out the karaoke machine?
#386
⇓
Well, today, Mary can suck an egg,
#387
⇓
because you and I are going to crush a duet.
#388
⇓
- Oh, no, I haven't performed in years.
#389
⇓
I mean, I played trombone in a ska band in college.
#390
⇓
You know, the Skanky Doodles.
#391
⇓
We had a killer rendition of "Proud to Be an American,"
#392
⇓
all ska'd out, and, you know, it was ironic.
#393
⇓
But also, no, we were very patriotic
#394
⇓
but also questioned everything.
#395
⇓
You know, the... '90s were nuts!
#396
⇓
- You'll be fine.
#397
⇓
No one's gonna be looking at you anyway.
#398
⇓
See you later, girl!
#399
⇓
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
#400
⇓
That's my presentation. Give me that.
#401
⇓
Don't ever go through my stuff again,
#402
⇓
or I'll beat your ass with whatever I can... find.
#403
⇓
- Aw, you seem upset.
#404
⇓
Yo, maybe this will cheer you up.
#405
⇓
Fries are like jeans-- they, uh, go with anything.
#406
⇓
That's very funny.
#407
⇓
You know what's really gonna cheer me up?
#408
⇓
All the money I'm gonna get from the millions
#409
⇓
of people who buy my new book.
#410
⇓
- "Hundred Smiles in Your Pocket"?
#411
⇓
That's lame.
#412
⇓
- "You grow each day.
#413
⇓
Just ask your fingernails."
#414
⇓
- Yeah, well, of course it sounds terrible
#415
⇓
when Marcus reads it.
#416
⇓
- This is the book you told Miles
#417
⇓
you weren't gonna write.
#418
⇓
- It seems like you're selling out, boss.
#419
⇓
- No, this isn't selling out.
#420
⇓
Let me just explain how the world works.
#421
⇓
You see, sometimes, you write something
#422
⇓
that's just so brilliant
#423
⇓
that dum-dums don't want to publish it.
#424
⇓
So you go schmooze with a couple Chad Bro Chillingtons,
#425
⇓
you know, and then you crank out
#426
⇓
whatever drivel they want, get paid.
#427
⇓
- That is the exact definition of selling out.
#428
⇓
- Yeah, well, I'll be sure to explain that
#429
⇓
to the Sex Pistols when we're watching
#430
⇓
David Copperfield levitate in my hot tub.
#431
⇓
- Maybe he can pull your integrity out of a hat.
#432
⇓
- He certainly made your principles disappear.
#433
⇓
Right? - Ha. Magic puns.
#434
⇓
Yeah, nice.
#435
⇓
The ultimate indicator of popularity.
#436
⇓
You know what? I'm gonna take off,
#437
⇓
go to the airport early,
#438
⇓
grab a Cinnabon.
#439
⇓
- I got it-- "Maybe David Copperfield
#440
⇓
could pull a rabbit out of--"
#441
⇓
- Dude, he left.
#442
⇓
.
#443
⇓
- It is Friday! Who's ready to get funky?
#444
⇓
- Hey, guys.
#445
⇓
- Me and my bestie are going to sing it out.
#446
⇓
Come on, Durbs. - All right. Ahem.
#447
⇓
- ♪ I tell you what I want, what I really ♪
#448
⇓
♪ Really want, so tell me what you want ♪
#449
⇓
♪ What you really, really want ♪
#450
⇓
- ♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
#451
⇓
♪ Really, really, really want to zig-a-zig-nope! ♪
#452
⇓
Guys, I'm sorry, this... ugh, this is wrong.
#453
⇓
All right? And I don't mean my singing.
#454
⇓
I think I surprised everyone, including myself,
#455
⇓
with how good I was, but Mary and Stef,
#456
⇓
you guys, you've had the smallest disagreement,
#457
⇓
a-and you're both being so stubborn.
#458
⇓
I mean, one of you has gotta step up
#459
⇓
and be the bigger woman.
#460
⇓
- I know he did not just say "bigger woman."
#461
⇓
- Fine, you know what, I guess--
#462
⇓
I guess I did freak out a little bit
#463
⇓
because I was jealous that you picked Michelle,
#464
⇓
and I thought we agreed we were picking each other.
#465
⇓
- But we didn't agree.
#466
⇓
You told me to put you down and just thought
#467
⇓
I would follow along, and I usually do.
#468
⇓
Cobb club. Funky Friday.
#469
⇓
Getting our nails done on the 14th of every month.
#470
⇓
Gotta come up with a name for that one.
#471
⇓
- So you don't like all of that stuff.
#472
⇓
- No, I love it!
#473
⇓
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna blindly do everything you say.
#474
⇓
Besides, I only chose Michelle as my emergency contact
#475
⇓
'cause if something crazy happened to me,
#476
⇓
well, you'd be right by my side doing it too.
#477
⇓
Remember the last time we almost died?
#478
⇓
Drunk, topless, parasailing in the Bahamas?
#479
⇓
- Mm-hmm. Girl, you're right.
#480
⇓
I guess if there was an emergency,
#481
⇓
chances are we'd be in it together.
#482
⇓
You know what, Ralph?
#483
⇓
Make Michelle my emergency contact too.
#484
⇓
- Aww! You're so sweet!
#485
⇓
- Mm-hmm.
#486
⇓
- So, okay, worst-case scenario,
#487
⇓
how long do you want me to wait
#488
⇓
before I give that plug a little yank?
#489
⇓
- Jeez, Michelle! - Long! Very long!
#490
⇓
- Okay. Okay.
#491
⇓
♪
#492
⇓
♪
#493
⇓
- All right, come on, bitch.
#494
⇓
Come on, bitch.
#495
⇓
You got this, bitch.
#496
⇓
Don't be a bitch!
#497
⇓
Come on, bitch. You little bitch!
#498
⇓
Hey! What's up, bro?
#499
⇓
What's up, bronies?
#500
⇓
Hey, brosephinas. Nice.
#501
⇓
Oh! It's the Egg-Man from the FaceTime.
#502
⇓
Say hello to my little friend.
#503
⇓
Mm Yep.
#504
⇓
- Hey, Jack.
#505
⇓
Uh, we're really excited about this.
#506
⇓
- Totally.
#507
⇓
- No.
#508
⇓
No, guys, I can't, uh...
#509
⇓
I can't do this.
#510
⇓
Look, I, uh...
#511
⇓
I want to tell you guys about something better.
#512
⇓
It's called "The End: A Philosophy of Death."
#513
⇓
That's me.
#514
⇓
That's what I'm about.
#515
⇓
- Yeah, I thought Miles told you.
#516
⇓
It's not something we're interested in.
#517
⇓
- Well, that's the only book on the table today, so...
#518
⇓
- We get it, Jack, I mean,
#519
⇓
the smile book must have been pretty tough for you to write.
#520
⇓
- Hold on a second there. Who said it was tough?
#521
⇓
'Cause that wasn't tough, all right?
#522
⇓
And if you guys read what I wrote, you'd love it.
#523
⇓
You'd go nuts. You'd buy it in a heartbeat.
#524
⇓
Here, let me just-- hold on.
#525
⇓
Oh, God.
#526
⇓
Who threw away all this potato salad?
#527
⇓
- That was mine. Sorry.
#528
⇓
- All right, well, whatever, I'm just gonna hit you guys
#529
⇓
with a couple of these smiles here.
#530
⇓
Uh, number 22.
#531
⇓
"It's not a flat tire, it's a swing."
#532
⇓
Smile 46: "If you step on a berry,
#533
⇓
you just made jam."
#534
⇓
See, I think I've proven my point.
#535
⇓
You know, I can-- I can crank out
#536
⇓
the kind of crap you guys want, but guess what?
#537
⇓
You're never gonna get any of it.
#538
⇓
- Yeah, none of this is what we wanted, at all.
#539
⇓
- You know what, I'm glad I'm not moving
#540
⇓
to this stupid city.
#541
⇓
It's just filled with a bunch of sellouts
#542
⇓
like you, Eggleston.
#543
⇓
Yeah, you're all just a bunch
#544
⇓
of fedora-wearing phonies!
#545
⇓
- None of us have fedoras.
#546
⇓
- Buddy... you are a fedora.
#547
⇓
So, I wasn't able to hit Eggleston,
#548
⇓
but I pee-peed on his building,
#549
⇓
and I popped one of the interns pretty good.
#550
⇓
There's a warrant for my arrest in New York,
#551
⇓
but guess what?
#552
⇓
I ain't in New York.
#553
⇓
- So, a bunch of us read your book about death.
#554
⇓
- Yeah, yeah, it's-- you know, it's... bleak.
#555
⇓
- It was awesome.
#556
⇓
- I can't stop thinking about it.
#557
⇓
- Parts of it were, like, scary.
#558
⇓
- And I like the part about how, uh,
#559
⇓
destruction and creation are basically the same thing.
#560
⇓
- Oh, or the mouse trap analogy.
#561
⇓
That was about destruction, right?
#562
⇓
- No, no, it was about creation.
#563
⇓
- They're the same thing, idiot.
#564
⇓
- No, that's the thing, it's a cyclical process, right?
#565
⇓
- I'm dying. - Totally.
#566
⇓
- We're dying. Man, you dying!
#567
⇓
You're dying-- you got a little sister?
#568
⇓
She dying too!
#569
⇓
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