Home » South Park » S28E01 — Twisted Christian

South Park

Season 28, Episode 1 — Twisted Christian

[theme music]

#1

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- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

#2

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♪ Gonna have myself a time

#3

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- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

#4

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♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

#5

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- ♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

#6

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♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

#7

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- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

#8

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♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

#9

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- ♪ I'm headin' on down to South Park ♪

#10

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♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

#11

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- ♪ [mumbling] ♪

#12

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- ♪ Come on down to South Park ♪

#13

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♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪

#14

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[twangy music]

#15

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[school bell rings]

#16

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- Hey, fellas! Fellas!

#17

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You wanna know what time I woke up this morning?

#18

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- What time? - Around six-seven!

#19

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all: Six-seven!

#20

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- Oh, hey, Annie. Ladies.

#21

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Did you guys do your homework last night?

#22

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I tried to, but I got stuck on problems six and seven!

#23

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all: Six-seven!

#24

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- [Butters laughs]

#25

⇓

Hey, Eric!

#26

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- I know, Butters. I know. Don't do it to me.

#27

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It's too funny. - But I just did a six-seven

#28

⇓

with Annie and Megan at the same time!

#29

⇓

- Yeah, five minutes ago I snuck up on Wendy

#30

⇓

and totally six-seven'd her from behind.

#31

⇓

- Wow! - Hey, Scott.

#32

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How's your diabetes, man?

#33

⇓

- My diabetes? - Yeah, what's your A1C at?

#34

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- 6.7.

#35

⇓

all: Six-seven!

#36

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- [laughs] Oh, my God.

#37

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So fucking funny.

#38

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[indistinct chatter]

#39

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- All right, everyone, listen up.

#40

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I've gotten a lot of reports of disruptions in the classroom

#41

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and some satanic numerology shit going on.

#42

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So I want to remind you this is a Power Christian school,

#43

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and I am a Power Christian Principal,

#44

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and we will be PC!

#45

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So now I want you to hear from someone

#46

⇓

who is the highest authority on Biblical prophecies.

#47

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This person is an absolute expert on the end of days

#48

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and the coming of the Antichrist.

#49

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Please welcome Mr. Pete Thiel.

#50

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[upbeat music playing]

#51

⇓

- ♪ Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist ♪

#52

⇓

♪ Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist ♪

#53

⇓

- ♪ I'm Peter Thiel and I know about the Antichrist ♪

#54

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SINGERS: ♪ Let's learn about the Antichrist today ♪

#55

⇓

- ♪ Today

#56

⇓

Hello, kids, I'm Peter Thiel, and I'm here to talk to you

#57

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about the Antichrist!

#58

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[one person clapping]

#59

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OK, so first, what is the Antichrist?

#60

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The Antichrist is a newer, more human form of Satan

#61

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that will soon walk the Earth.

#62

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We don't know how soon it will walk the Earth,

#63

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but it could be within the next six to seven weeks.

#64

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KIDS: Six-seven!

#65

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- Uh, kay.

#66

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Uh, you see, Satan was a fallen angel

#67

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and God punished him,

#68

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and to make sure that Satan could never have offspring,

#69

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the Lord God did shrink Satan's asshole

#70

⇓

to the size of a tiny, little pinhole

#71

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so nothing could ever penetrate and ejaculate inside of it.

#72

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So Satan could never have a butt baby until

#73

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along came Mr. Donald Trunp,

#74

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whose penis is so teeny, teeny tiny

#75

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it could actually fit in Satan's asshole.

#76

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How small is Donald Trump's penis?

#77

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Somewhere between six and seven centimeters.

#78

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KIDS: Six-seven!

#79

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- Hey, look, this is very important, people.

#80

⇓

OK, the Antichrist is coming.

#81

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The Bible refers to the eagle, which refers to America,

#82

⇓

the fourth seal broken, and hell coming to Earth.

#83

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It's right here in Revelations 6...

#84

⇓

six-seven.

#85

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KIDS: Six-seven!

#86

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- [laughing]

#87

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- Good, and breathe in through your nose. [inhales]

#88

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[exhales] And out through your mouth.

#89

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In--two, three four.

#90

⇓

And exhale--two, three, four.

#91

⇓

Good. Let your shoulders soften.

#92

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Let your jaw relax.

#93

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Now gentle pressure on the hips as your partner exhales.

#94

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Good.

#95

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- This is so boring!

#96

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- How about you shut up and do your job?

#97

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- Ah, come on, Satan!

#98

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How about we just go home and fuck?

#99

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We haven't had sex in forever.

#100

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- That's because it's bad for the baby.

#101

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- Yeah, but fuck the baby. This is stupid!

#102

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- Did you just say "fuck the baby"?

#103

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- Hey, relax, guy.

#104

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I didn't mean like really fuck the baby!

#105

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- No, you know what? You can just go home.

#106

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I'll finish this myself.

#107

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You can go home and jack off if you want.

#108

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INSTRUCTOR: [exhales] Perfect.

#109

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[belt clinking, zipper opens]

#110

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[door opens]

#111

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- Hello, boss!

#112

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- Ah! Shit!

#113

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- Good news, boss,

#114

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we just shut down another abortion clinic.

#115

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- Oh, yeah, great. That's great.

#116

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- Yes, boss.

#117

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You've made all the Christians so happy.

#118

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Of course, there is still one more clinic

#119

⇓

that will still perform abortions

#120

⇓

right here in town.

#121

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[dramatic musical sting]

#122

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- There is? - Oh, yes.

#123

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How unfortunate that some babies

#124

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will not be able to be born.

#125

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As Christians, we can't allow this to continue.

#126

⇓

Perhaps you should go speak

#127

⇓

with this abortion doctor personally.

#128

⇓

- Yeah. Yeah!

#129

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[knock on door] - Come on.

#130

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- PC Principal, do you have a minute?

#131

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- Sure, Jesus. What do you need?

#132

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- I'm starting to wonder if I really fit in here.

#133

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- Course you fit in.

#134

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This school's been a cesspool of heathen left-wing

#135

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little bitches, and only our faith is gonna set them right.

#136

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- Could I ask exactly

#137

⇓

what branch of Christianity are you?

#138

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- The kind that loves his country

#139

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and doesn't tolerate any fucking fags.

#140

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- Yeah, see, I-I really think I don't belong here.

#141

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- Look, I understand it's a tough transition.

#142

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You know, the vice principal here

#143

⇓

had the same conflict as you, but she's really come around.

#144

⇓

- The vice principal? Your wife?

#145

⇓

- That's right.

#146

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Can you send in Strong Christian Woman, please?

#147

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She was saying this wasn't the place for her anymore,

#148

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but just this last weekend, she converted to Christianity.

#149

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[knocks]

#150

⇓

- You wanted to see me?

#151

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- Yeah, Strong Christian Woman, I was just telling Jesus

#152

⇓

here about our faith.

#153

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- Oh, yes, it's been such a blessing.

#154

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- She converted on Saturday. What do you think, huh?

#155

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You ever seen a more Christian chick in your fucking life?

#156

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- Never.

#157

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- Look, I know it's a hard adjustment,

#158

⇓

but just stick with it,

#159

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and you're gonna fit in here just fine, Jesus.

#160

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- [soft muttering]

#161

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[snickers]

#162

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[giggles]

#163

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- Everything go good at school today, honey?

#164

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- [stifling laughter] Yep, yep. School was good.

#165

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School was pretty good. [snickering]

#166

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- Is everything OK, honey?

#167

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- Yeah. Everything's fine.

#168

⇓

It's fine.

#169

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Mom? Uh, could I-- could I ask you something?

#170

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- Sure, Eric.

#171

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- Do you know, um--

#172

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do you know on average,

#173

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um, at what age kids lose their baby teeth?

#174

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- Oh, I'm not sure, Eric.

#175

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I guess usually around six, seven?

#176

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- [laughing]

#177

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OK.

#178

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- Eric, what?

#179

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- No, nothing. Nothing. I'm sorry.

#180

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[clears throat] I'm sorry.

#181

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I was just, uh-- I was just, um--

#182

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I was just thinking about your menstrual cycle.

#183

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- My menstrual cycle?

#184

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- Yeah, I was just wondering

#185

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when you actual menstruate, Mom.

#186

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Like, roughly, how many days does that last?

#187

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- Well, Eric, it's usually around

#188

⇓

six to seven days that a woman--

#189

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- [laughing]

#190

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Oh. Oh. [choking]

#191

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[laughing, choking]

#192

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[retching]

#193

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[retching continues]

#194

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- Eric? Sweetie?

#195

⇓

- [coughs, pants]

#196

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- Eric, what is going on? This keeps happening.

#197

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- Mom, Mom, you gotta tell me something.

#198

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- Of course, honey.

#199

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- Roughly how many nights-- [gags]

#200

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have I been throwing up at dinner?

#201

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- I-I don't know, Eric.

#202

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It's probably been six or seven nights--

#203

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- [laughing]

#204

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[vomiting]

#205

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[knock on door]

#206

⇓

- Hey, Jesus, get your stuff, man.

#207

⇓

We're going out for drinks. - What?

#208

⇓

- Look, I know it's been hard for you

#209

⇓

trying to adjust here and everything,

#210

⇓

so the wife and I were talking

#211

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and we found a nice Christian lady

#212

⇓

we're gonna set you up with.

#213

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- Oh, I don't think so. Thanks, but--

#214

⇓

- Oh, come on, man. She's a really great woman,

#215

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and she just converted to Christianity.

#216

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My wife met her at the same place that she became Christian.

#217

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WOMAN: So then I was like, "You know what?

#218

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I need a new direction in my life.

#219

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It's like I just got so sick of everyone being such a pussy

#220

⇓

all the time, and all this woke garbage

#221

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and women trying to be men.

#222

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So I just started reading the Bible, you know?

#223

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I mean, I didn't actually read the Bible,

#224

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but I listened to a lot of podcasts.

#225

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And once I went through my transition, I was like,

#226

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"This is great,"

#227

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only now, guys are always checking out my Christianity.

#228

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- Sorry, could you all excuse me?

#229

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I need to go to the bathroom.

#230

⇓

- Sure thing, Jesus.

#231

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- He seems nice.

#232

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- [sighs]

#233

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[light music playing]

#234

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♪ ♪

#235

⇓

- Miss Davidson?

#236

⇓

Miss Coco Slutty Davidson?

#237

⇓

- Oh, yeah, that's me!

#238

⇓

I'm Coco Slutty Davidson.

#239

⇓

I'm just here to get an abortion.

#240

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[chuckles]

#241

⇓

- The doctor's right in here... ma'am.

#242

⇓

- Hey, doc!

#243

⇓

All right, listen,

#244

⇓

I need you to perform an abortion, but it's not for me.

#245

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It's for my partner.

#246

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And you can't tell anyone,

#247

⇓

not even my partner.

#248

⇓

- How am I supposed to do that?

#249

⇓

- Well, you're gonna come with me, see,

#250

⇓

and we're gonna sneak into my house,

#251

⇓

and you're gonna suck that thing out while everyone's asleep.

#252

⇓

- You house wouldn't happen to be white, would it?

#253

⇓

- Hey! How do you know that?

#254

⇓

- Look, Mr. President, I've seen the news.

#255

⇓

If you got Satan pregnant, that's your responsibility.

#256

⇓

- Well, it's your responsibility now!

#257

⇓

Or else I'll sue you, how about that?

#258

⇓

- Even if I wanted to help you, sir,

#259

⇓

I have no idea how to perform an abortion

#260

⇓

on the offspring of Satan.

#261

⇓

To do that, you'd need some kind of expert on the Antichrist.

#262

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[upbeat music]

#263

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SINGERS: ♪ Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist ♪

#264

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♪ Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist ♪

#265

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- ♪ I'm Peter Thiel and I know about the Antichrist ♪

#266

⇓

♪

#267

⇓

All right, listen,

#268

⇓

you people have a very serious problem here.

#269

⇓

Your students appear to be in some kind of cult

#270

⇓

involving the numbers six and seven.

#271

⇓

- All right, so what should we do?

#272

⇓

- I'm going to need access to all your school's private data--

#273

⇓

school records, health records, and of course,

#274

⇓

all security cameras.

#275

⇓

- Oh, no, look, I don't think we need it--

#276

⇓

- Is this really what we've come to?

#277

⇓

Freely handing people's personal data over

#278

⇓

to some tech billionaire preaching shit about the Bible?

#279

⇓

- You got a problem with Jesus, bro?

#280

⇓

- Come on, man, you became a Christian like three months ago.

#281

⇓

- Yeah, I've got fucking faith, dude!

#282

⇓

What do you have, you little bitch?

#283

⇓

You wanna throw down, bro?

#284

⇓

- OK, hey, hey, hey--

#285

⇓

- You wanna see what it feels like to talk shit

#286

⇓

about Christians, dude?

#287

⇓

[grunting]

#288

⇓

- I'll kick your heathen ass, bro!

#289

⇓

[mechanical droning]

#290

⇓

[loud whirring]

#291

⇓

[thrumming]

#292

⇓

- All right, just try to be still, Eric.

#293

⇓

- Doctor, could I ask a question?

#294

⇓

- Of course.

#295

⇓

- About how long-- [stifled laughter]

#296

⇓

do you need me to be still?

#297

⇓

- Just about ten seconds, Eric.

#298

⇓

- OK.

#299

⇓

So how long now?

#300

⇓

- Just another six, seven seconds, Eric--

#301

⇓

- [laughter]

#302

⇓

[vomiting]

#303

⇓

[steady beeping]

#304

⇓

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Cartman, but we can't pinpoint

#305

⇓

the source of his illness.

#306

⇓

- [snorting]

#307

⇓

- If he continues to vomit this much daily,

#308

⇓

I'm afraid it could be life threatening.

#309

⇓

- But, doctor,

#310

⇓

if I'm not able to keep any food down,

#311

⇓

roughly how long would it take-- [stifled laughter]

#312

⇓

roughly how long would it take for the human body to die?

#313

⇓

- Eric, I'm gonna be very honest with you.

#314

⇓

Without sufficient nutrients,

#315

⇓

the body shuts down after six to seven weeks.

#316

⇓

- [laughing]

#317

⇓

[vomit splatting]

#318

⇓

[keyboard clacking]

#319

⇓

- Excuse me, that's my computer.

#320

⇓

- Yes. And your computer has all the personal data

#321

⇓

of the students here. - It's OK, Jesus,

#322

⇓

Peter Thiel knows what he's doing.

#323

⇓

- I've downloaded all the students' information

#324

⇓

and loaded them into an AI face detection program

#325

⇓

so the school's security cameras can watch their every move.

#326

⇓

Now look.

#327

⇓

Two students passing each other in the hallway.

#328

⇓

They give each other the sign-- six, seven.

#329

⇓

Exactly 67 seconds later,

#330

⇓

this odd parka-wearing child makes the same gesture.

#331

⇓

And then inside the girls bathroom,

#332

⇓

two girls doing the same thing.

#333

⇓

- Wait, why is there a camera inside the girls bathroom?

#334

⇓

- To stop the Antichrist.

#335

⇓

Now I'm following the lead on this girl here.

#336

⇓

She went home to 67 Mala Vista Drive.

#337

⇓

Going through her family's medical records,

#338

⇓

I found that her father has testicular cancer

#339

⇓

and 67 days ago, had one testicle removed.

#340

⇓

- That really feels like none of our business.

#341

⇓

- I don't know how I'm supposed to work

#342

⇓

with Nosy Nancy peering over my shoulder all the time.

#343

⇓

- Jesus, let's you and me have a quick chin wiggle

#344

⇓

out in the hall.

#345

⇓

[door shuts]

#346

⇓

[sinister music]

#347

⇓

- I'm getting close.

#348

⇓

I almost have the key to stop it from happening.

#349

⇓

♪ ♪

#350

⇓

- We are running out of time, Mr. Thiel.

#351

⇓

The Antichrist is coming.

#352

⇓

Satan is shopping for baby strollers as we speak.

#353

⇓

- If I'm going to learn what these numbers mean,

#354

⇓

I'm going to need access to every government database.

#355

⇓

- You will have it, Mr. Thiel.

#356

⇓

Nothing is more important than making sure

#357

⇓

this baby is not born.

#358

⇓

♪

#359

⇓

[soft sentimental music]

#360

⇓

- Look, man, I know it's tough,

#361

⇓

but you gotta understand that drastic times

#362

⇓

call for drastic measures.

#363

⇓

- I just don't feel good about treating people this way.

#364

⇓

I think the most important thing still has to be loving

#365

⇓

and respecting each other.

#366

⇓

♪

#367

⇓

- All right, man, I need to ask you something

#368

⇓

and I need you to tell me the truth.

#369

⇓

Are you a fag?

#370

⇓

- No. That has nothing to do with it. It just--

#371

⇓

- Are you fucking sure?

#372

⇓

- I'm just trying to say that I'm really confused right now.

#373

⇓

- OK, but confused like you don't know if you're attracted

#374

⇓

to dudes, or like what?

#375

⇓

- Like how we can just change everything about who we are.

#376

⇓

- I think you still just don't understand

#377

⇓

what Christians today are about.

#378

⇓

Come on. There's someone I think you should talk to.

#379

⇓

WOMAN: Oh, yes, the Antichrist!

#380

⇓

I've listened to a lot of podcasts about that.

#381

⇓

Everyone keeps saying how the Antichrist is coming,

#382

⇓

but I'm like "He already did!

#383

⇓

I was married to him in 2018!"

#384

⇓

But seriously, if he saw how Christian I was now,

#385

⇓

he'd probably shit his pants.

#386

⇓

[snorts] Don't be jealous.

#387

⇓

He's so funny.

#388

⇓

[militaristic music]

#389

⇓

♪

#390

⇓

- Hey.

#391

⇓

Hey, Satan.

#392

⇓

- Hello, boss. - Ah! Fuck! Shit!

#393

⇓

- Oh, sorry, boss.

#394

⇓

I did not know Satan was sleeping.

#395

⇓

- Yeah, that's all he ever does anymore.

#396

⇓

- Poor boss.

#397

⇓

If you're going to jack off, shall I fetch your cum rag?

#398

⇓

- Hey! I wasn't jacking off!

#399

⇓

- Sure thing, boss.

#400

⇓

I'll go get your cum rag.

#401

⇓

[sinister music]

#402

⇓

[buttons dialing]

#403

⇓

What is taking you so long?

#404

⇓

- I'm very close to finding the secret of the numbers.

#405

⇓

I've narrowed it down to one little boy

#406

⇓

who seems more possessed than the others.

#407

⇓

- Then deal with him,

#408

⇓

and keep it quiet.

#409

⇓

Nobody can know that we are working together.

#410

⇓

When I become president,

#411

⇓

I will give you full access to everyone's data.

#412

⇓

- I've already spoken with the mother,

#413

⇓

and I'm on my way now to face the child.

#414

⇓

[eerie piano music]

#415

⇓

♪

#416

⇓

SINGERS: ♪ Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist ♪

#417

⇓

♪ Peter Thiel knows about the Antichrist ♪

#418

⇓

- ♪ I'm Peter Thiel and I know about the Antichrist ♪

#419

⇓

SINGERS: ♪ Let's deal with the Antichrist today ♪

#420

⇓

- ♪ Today

#421

⇓

Is your son home?

#422

⇓

- Yes, Mr. Thiel.

#423

⇓

He's right upstairs.

#424

⇓

- [muttering, chuckling]

#425

⇓

[coughing, sniffing]

#426

⇓

[stifling laughter]

#427

⇓

- Eric, I'm Peter Thiel.

#428

⇓

I'm here to help our country.

#429

⇓

- Uh, OK.

#430

⇓

- I came to see you...

#431

⇓

in an Uber, Eric.

#432

⇓

- [stifling laughter]

#433

⇓

- Would you like to know how long it took me to get here?

#434

⇓

- How long?

#435

⇓

- It took...

#436

⇓

around six or seven minutes. I'm not really--

#437

⇓

- [vomiting]

#438

⇓

[laughing]

#439

⇓

No way! No way!

#440

⇓

[laughing]

#441

⇓

- You know, they're all just a bunch of libtards anyways.

#442

⇓

I know what's up. I listen to podcasts.

#443

⇓

You wanna know who I think the Antichrist is?

#444

⇓

Greta Thunberg.

#445

⇓

With her stupid haircut and her dumb bangs.

#446

⇓

Someone should yank out whatever's up her ass.

#447

⇓

[snorts]

#448

⇓

- I can't.

#449

⇓

I just can't!

#450

⇓

- Everything all right, bud?

#451

⇓

- No, everything's not all right!

#452

⇓

I don't know what I'm doing here!

#453

⇓

- You're trying to get with the program, bro!

#454

⇓

Peggy Rockbottom is a hot Christian girl,

#455

⇓

now stop acting gay!

#456

⇓

- Look, I don't know what you think Christianity is,

#457

⇓

but it has nothing to do with that.

#458

⇓

- What are you saying?

#459

⇓

- I'm saying that you and a lot of other people

#460

⇓

seem to have a very warped sense of what Christianity is.

#461

⇓

- Are you questioning my faith?

#462

⇓

You wanna fucking go?

#463

⇓

- No, I don't want to fucking go.

#464

⇓

- You got a problem, bro? - No, I don't have a problem.

#465

⇓

You actually have a problem.

#466

⇓

You need a way to bully people

#467

⇓

and you're using the Bible to do it.

#468

⇓

[grunts]

#469

⇓

PC PRINCIPAL: You like that? Yeah! You want some more?

#470

⇓

- I'm not gonna fight you!

#471

⇓

- Damn right you won't, 'cause you're a gay little pussy!

#472

⇓

Yeah, don't come back!

#473

⇓

You're gonna get some more, bitch!

#474

⇓

[Cartman coughing]

#475

⇓

PETER: Tell me what it means!

#476

⇓

- [laughing, coughing]

#477

⇓

- The Lord labored six days

#478

⇓

and on the seventh, He rested!

#479

⇓

- [laughing]

#480

⇓

- You will tell me the significance!

#481

⇓

There's nothing more I can do here.

#482

⇓

I have to take him to Washington D.C.

#483

⇓

- Washington? Oh, no, he can't travel now.

#484

⇓

He's very sick.

#485

⇓

- Your son is the key to saving our country, Ms. Cartman.

#486

⇓

Everything we hold dear could end.

#487

⇓

We have to unlock the secrets he holds,

#488

⇓

no matter what it takes.

#489

⇓

["Sister Christian" by Night Ranger]

#490

⇓

♪ ♪

#491

⇓

- ♪ Sister Christian, oh, the time has come ♪

#492

⇓

♪ And you know that you're the only one ♪

#493

⇓

♪ To say "OK" ♪

#494

⇓

♪ ♪

#495

⇓

♪ Where you going? What you looking for? ♪

#496

⇓

♪ You know those boys don't wanna play no more ♪

#497

⇓

♪ With you ♪

#498

⇓

♪ It's true

#499

⇓

♪ ♪

#500

⇓

[driving beat]

#501

⇓

♪ ♪

#502

⇓

♪ You're motorin' ♪

#503

⇓

♪ What's your price for flight? ♪

#504

⇓

♪ In finding Mr. Right

#505

⇓

♪ You'll be all right tonight ♪

#506

⇓

♪

#507

⇓

- Fuck yeah, Jesus!

#508

⇓

- ♪ You're motorin'

#509

⇓

♪ What's your price for flight? ♪

#510

⇓

♪ In finding Mr. Right? ♪

#511

⇓

- Let's fucking go, bro!

#512

⇓

- Yes, baby! Yes!

#513

⇓

- ♪ Tonight

#514

⇓

[theme music]

#515

⇓

♪ ♪

#516

⇓