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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E05 — Celebrity Booze: The Ultimate Cash Grab

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 5 — Celebrity Booze: The Ultimate Cash Grab

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Celebrity Booze: The Ultimate Cash Grab

Air date: June 28, 2023

Director: Megan Ganz

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

When news spreads of Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul’s visit to Philadelphia to promote their Dos Hermanos mezcal brand, the Guys decide to pitch them their own liquor. The Gang takes to the skies to get a taste of the glamorous high life.

Source: TMDB

↓

♪ ♪

↓

[Chet] In other news, Tinseltown is coming to Philadelphia.

chet coming news philadelphia

↓

Hollywood stars Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul are here

aaron bryan hollywood paul stars

↓

promoting their alcohol brand, Dos Hombres.

alcohol brand hombres

↓

[reporter] Hey, Bryan, how does it feel to be the kingpin of mezcal?

bryan reporter

↓

Oh, no, no. No, no. Don't-don't put that on me.

↓

No, I'm just a simple actor.

actor simple

↓

This, this is the man,

↓

-the brains behind the whole operation. -No.

behind brains operation whole whole-operation

↓

-No, no, no. -Yeah, it is.

↓

[Aaron] It's a team effort.

aaron effort team

↓

Wow. Hollywood celebrities right here in Philly, huh?

celebrities hollywood philly

↓

-I don't love it. I mean, -Yeah.

love

↓

why can't they stay in their lane?

lane

↓

Why do they have into come into our lane?

lane

↓

The celebrity booze thing's a little out of control.

booze celebrity control

↓

It's a total sellout. I mean, a complete cash grab.

cash complete grab total

↓

Any idiot could take a bottle of booze,

booze bottle idiot

↓

slap a celebrity's face on it and-and make a fortune.

face fortune slap

↓

-I mean, we could do it if we wanted. -Oh, we know more about booze

booze wanted

↓

-than these two guys, probably. -Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

Look, yeah, is there an opportunity

opportunity

↓

for us to create a booze of our own, right?

booze create

↓

And go pitch those guys? Yeah, of course there is.

course pitch

↓

-It would be so easy. -Yeah. -It would be so easy, you know?

easy

↓

And could we do something like that?

↓

-Also, yes. Absolutely. -Yes. Yes.

absolutely

↓

-Of course, we could, you know. -But I mean,

course

↓

are we gonna go do something like that?

↓

-Yes, we're gonna do that, yeah. -Of course we are, yes. -I think we should.

course

↓

-I think we should. -It's already happening.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Okay, guys, I think we can all agree we need to

agree

↓

come up with a brand that is representative

brand representative

↓

of who we are as people and as businessmen.

businessmen

↓

Now I ask you guys this: what's the first word

word

↓

that comes to your mind when you are trying to describe us?

comes describe mind

↓

-Premium. -Mm, I was gonna say that, dude. -Premium.

premium

↓

-I was gonna say premium. -You were gonna say that, too?

premium

↓

-[Mac] Yeah. -And look, hey.

↓

Listen, man, you're spot-on. Premium.

premium spot

↓

Yes, our brand will, of course, be a premium brand.

brand course premium

↓

Now, what is the most premium alcohol ever invented?

alcohol invented premium

↓

-Goldschläger. -Goldschläger. Yeah.

↓

Goldschläger. All right, hey!

↓

We're all on the same page here.

page

↓

-Yeah, we think-- -This is good, I like this. Okay, yeah.

↓

Swiss cinnamon schnapps liqueur

cinnamon schnapps swiss

↓

with drinkable flakes of gold floating in it.

flakes floating gold

↓

My God, what's more premium than that?

premium

↓

-Yeah, nothing. -Nothing, right?

↓

Here's a pitch. Okay, I can get a bunch of nickels

bunch nickels pitch

↓

and I could smash them up and put them into a 'schläger.

smash

↓

Right? We call it Nickelschläger,

↓

and we pitch it as, like, the working man's spirit.

mans pitch spirit working

↓

And, you know, nickels are, they're easy to find

easy nickels

↓

and, uh, just as shiny.

shiny

↓

Well, that sounds disgusting, and, uh,

disgusting sounds

↓

-potentially dangerous as well. -Yeah, I'm-a try it, though.

dangerous potentially

↓

Listen, I think I've pinpointed a small market trend

market trend

↓

that we could corner but that could

corner

↓

also totally represent us.

represent

↓

I'm talking about a blend.

blend

↓

A blend?

blend

↓

-Oh. Blends. -Yes. Blends, blends.

blends

↓

-Blends! -Yes.

blends

↓

Blends are very popular these days.

blends days popular

↓

Wine blends, whiskey blends, you know?

blends whiskey wine

↓

So let me ask you this:

↓

what is the second-classiest drink in the world?

drink second world

↓

-Jägermeister. Yes. -Jägermeister. Yeah, yeah. -Jägermeister.

↓

-Jägermeister, yeah. -Amazing, yes.

amazing

↓

It's the 'meisters and the,

↓

and the 'schlägers and the schnapps.

schnapps

↓

I mean, those are the drinks that make people feel high-end,

drinks

↓

you know, like they're on a European ski adventure, right?

adventure european

↓

-[all laugh] -Yeah, it's true. -Yeah.

laugh

↓

Those drinks that make people feel premium, you know?

drinks premium

↓

So I say we do a blend of all the most premium drinks.

blend drinks premium

↓

We put them all together, and we make one drink

drink

↓

called Paddy's SchlägerSchnappsterMeister.

called paddys

↓

-That's brilliant. -That's so smart.

brilliant smart

↓

-Well, because it-it blends them -Dude, that is really smart. It's fun.

blends fun smart

↓

-all together, like you said. -Who's thought of that?

↓

-It's a lot of fun, right? -It's elegant.

elegant fun

↓

It definitely feels like you're in Switzerland or something.

feels switzerland

↓

-Yeah, yeah. -Great, so you guys get it, okay. Great.

↓

So I-I'm so glad we're on the same page with this.

glad page

↓

So, here's the thing. All we got to do

↓

is get those celebrity guys' blessing and boom--

blessing boom celebrity

↓

we are off to the races, we're gonna be rich men, but

races rich

↓

I don't think we should approach them

approach

↓

without being fully funded first.

fully

↓

So our first test is gonna be landing a big fish

fish landing test

↓

who can finance this whole operation.

finance operation whole whole-operation

↓

and I know just the guy.

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

-[phone vibrating] -♪ I want money ♪

money phone phone-vibrating vibrating

↓

♪ Lots and lots. ♪

lots

↓

-Yo. -[Dennis] Yo, Frank,

dennis frank

↓

I got you on speakerphone with, uh, Mac and Charlie.

charlie speakerphone

↓

-Where are you right now? -I'm in the sky.

↓

-In the sky? -What?

↓

[Dee] That's right, dicknips.

↓

We're in the sky on a private plane

plane private

↓

-on the way to Aruba. -[Charlie] What the hell, Frank?

aruba charlie frank

↓

-Why you taking Dee? -[Dee] Um, because

↓

I'm more glamorous than you guys.

glamorous

↓

Frank recognizes that and so he invited me.

frank invited recognizes

↓

I was on my way to the jet,

↓

she overheard me talking about the flight

flight overheard

↓

-and she glommed on. -Yeah, you know what? We don't care.

care

↓

Uh, Frank, we have a business proposition for you, pal.

business frank proposition

↓

Frank, how would you like to invest

frank invest

↓

in a celebrity alcohol brand?

alcohol brand celebrity

↓

No, I don't know about that.

↓

I-I once had Greg Louganis

greg

↓

as the face of my apricot brand in the '80s.

brand face

↓

But when he cracked his noggin at the Olympics,

cracked olympics

↓

the business took a nosedive with him.

business

↓

Okay, well, we're talking about

↓

a much bigger celebrity than that, okay?

bigger celebrity

↓

We're talking about a household name here.

household name

↓

Have you ever hear of a little show called

called

↓

Malcolm in the Middle?

malcolm middle

↓

Have I? Changed the game.

changed game

↓

-Changed the game, Frank. -That it did. That it did. -[Mac] Yes. Yes.

changed frank game game-frank

↓

-It did change the game. -That it did. One of the greatest shows of all time.

change game greatest shows

↓

Well, listen, the dad from that show is in town

town

↓

and we're gonna be pitching him tonight.

pitching tonight

↓

And Malcolm. He's here, too, although he's all grown up now,

grown malcolm

↓

-so you might not recognize him. -Yeah.

might recognize

↓

Dang, that sounds pretty glamorous.

dang glamorous sounds

↓

-I'd like to hang with celebs. -Shut up, Dee.

hang

↓

-[Dennis] Shut up, Dee. -[Charlie] Oh, God, shut up, Dee.

charlie dennis

↓

[Mac] Shut your mouth or I will shut it for you!

mouth

↓

When you get back, Mac's gonna shut it for you!

macs

↓

We're gonna shut your mouth and we're gonna sew your lips shut!

lips mouth

↓

-[Charlie] Just shut up. -Shut up!

charlie

↓

-Shut up! -All right, well-well,

↓

you know, if you can get, uh, Malcolm and his dad

malcolm

↓

on the hook, bring them to me at the jet.

bring hook

↓

When I land, we'll talk shop.

land shop

↓

-[Mac] Oh, good. -[Charlie] Nice, dude.

charlie

↓

-Big fish landed! -All right!

fish landed

↓

How are they gonna bring them to Aruba?

aruba bring

↓

We were never going to Aruba. We're circling Philly.

aruba circling philly

↓

Oh, my God. There's The Linc!

linc

↓

What the hell, Frank? Why are we circling Philly?

circling frank philly

↓

I got to put enough miles on the jet

miles

↓

to make it look like I went to Aruba and back.

aruba

↓

It's a tax thing.

↓

Then why don't we just go to Aruba and back?

aruba

↓

Wouldn't that make more sense?

sense

↓

I have things to do in Philly.

philly

↓

But I don't want to circle Philly for hours.

circle hours philly

↓

Hey, look, first you nag me to get on the plane,

plane

↓

now you're nagging me to get off.

↓

Just-- No dice.

dice

↓

-We're circling Philly. -Oh, goddamn it.

circling goddamn goddamn-it philly

↓

♪ I want money, lots and lots of money... ♪

lots money

↓

It is popping off in there, man. It is popping off.

popping

↓

Actually, Charlie, I would also love for you

charlie love

↓

-to pop off that hat. -No, dude, you said dress nice.

dress

↓

I want to be able to tip my cap to these guys

able

↓

-when I meet them. -Yeah, but you look like a limo driver.

driver limo limo-driver meet

↓

-Whatever, dude. I look good, man. -[sighs]

sighs

↓

You guys want to hit some of this, too, by the way?

↓

-The hell is that? -It's Nickelschläger, man.

↓

It's delicious. I've been drinking it all day.

delicious drinking

↓

Throw that shit out. Do not bring that up in the pitch.

bring pitch throw

↓

-I'm gonna pitch it. -Dude, do not-- Don't--

pitch

↓

Oh, goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

-[scanner beeps] -Oh.

beeps scanner

↓

-Over here, sir. -Okay, you know what? That might have been this.

might

↓

Uh, here, I'll give it to you, I guess. Uh, don't mind me.

mind

↓

-Anything in your pockets, sir? -No, no, I'm good.

pockets

↓

-I'm good, I sh-- -[device beeping]

beeping device

↓

Uh...

↓

Guys, why is it going off on my stomach?

stomach

↓

Because you have a belly full of nickels.

belly full nickels

↓

Oh, right. Shit. Okay, you know what? Um...

↓

I'll make myself throw up and then I'll get--

throw

↓

Should I throw up here or, uh...

throw

↓

All right, I'm gonna go outside

↓

and-and I'll meet you guys back in.

meet

↓

-[scanner beeps] -Great.

beeps scanner

↓

Good riddance. He looks ridiculous anyway.

ridiculous

↓

Yeah, well, you don't look that much better, pal.

↓

I mean, what-what, what is going on with that suit?

suit

↓

Oh, I'm going for a "Jordan in the '90s" look.

jordan

↓

I mean, who's more premium than MJ, right?

premium

↓

Now, I'm thinking that I go pitch a fashion line

fashion line pitch thinking

↓

and sort of expand

expand

↓

-into a lifestyle brand. -No, don't do that.

brand lifestyle

↓

Okay? Let's just-- Uh, can we stick with the one thing?

stick

↓

-Just stick with the one thing, please. -They're celebrities.

celebrities stick

↓

-They're gonna get the look. -I know they're celebrities.

celebrities

↓

I'm not saying they're not celebrities. I'm saying--

celebrities

↓

Do you know who Michael Jordan is?

jordan michael

↓

-Yes, I know who-- -Then why are you

↓

-fighting me about this? -Can we just go get in the meet-and-greet line?

fighting greet line meet

↓

It's already getting long as shit. Come on.

↓

-[cackles] -Frank.

cackles frank

↓

-Frank! -What?

frank

↓

How much longer?

longer

↓

-Three hours. -Oh, my God.

hours three three-hours

↓

Can I watch what you're watching?

watch watching

↓

'Cause the Wi-Fi is not strong enough

strong

↓

for me to watch anything.

watch

↓

You should have downloaded movies, then.

downloaded movies

↓

I mean, I also have to go to the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

Well, that's not good. Bathroom on the plane is busted.

bathroom busted plane

↓

-W-What? -Yeah, but you can use the emergency can.

emergency

↓

Where's the emergency can?

emergency

↓

-You're sitting on it. -What? Wh--

sitting

↓

You just pull that cushion up and, uh, get that

cushion pull

↓

privacy screen over there.

privacy screen

↓

Is it a number one or a number two?

number

↓

It's a number one.

number

↓

Eh, let 'er rip.

↓

It's still gonna go out in the air anyway.

↓

Are you sure you don't have any food anywhere?

food

↓

Why don't you sniff around back there?

sniff

↓

What's this?

↓

-What's that? -There's a can of something.

↓

Oh, that's an old can of oysters from another flight.

another flight oysters

↓

-A can of oysters? -Yeah, go ahead, have them.

ahead go-ahead oysters

↓

Ugh, goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

[Dennis] All right, all right.

dennis

↓

-Getting pretty close here. -Okay, now,

close

↓

just go with me here, Dennis.

dennis

↓

I want you to picture it, all right?

picture

↓

It's a whole lifestyle ecosystem.

ecosystem lifestyle whole

↓

-No-- -With booze and suits

booze suits

↓

and apps that link you to personal trainers

apps link personal trainers

↓

who make you look good in the suits. Premium.

premium suits

↓

-Dude, this is what I'm saying. -No, listen, can we please,

↓

please, please just stick with the blend?

blend stick

↓

-Stick with the blend. -This is a blend of ideas.

blend ideas stick

↓

Yes, but it's a blend of too many ideas. I don't even

blend ideas

↓

know what you're talking about half the time.

half

↓

-I'm talking about branding, bro, it's branding. -I know what you're--

↓

You know what, actually, you just keep

↓

your mouth shut the whole time.

mouth whole

↓

Just keep your mouth shut, I'll do the talking.

mouth

↓

We do the firm handshake, right? 'Cause that's essential

essential firm firm-handshake handshake

↓

to setting tone for a good pitch.

pitch setting tone

↓

Got to have a firm handshake. And then that's it.

firm firm-handshake handshake

↓

I do the talking, and don't say a goddamn thing

goddamn

↓

about booze and suits and apps.

apps booze suits

↓

-Here we go. -Oh, okay.

↓

-Thank you. -Thanks, ladies. -Thank you so much.

ladies thanks

↓

-Uh, all right. Come on, guys. -[Dennis] All right.

dennis

↓

-Okay, here we go. -Hey, there, fellas. -Hey.

fellas

↓

Hi, uh, hello to you, kind sirs.

sirs

↓

-[chuckles] -Let's do a...

chuckles

↓

-Oh, uh... -No.

↓

No, I'm sorry, we-we don't shake hands. So...

hands shake

↓

Uh, well, that kind of throws off my whole thing.

throws whole

↓

I think-- We can't kick this off without a firm handshake.

firm firm-handshake handshake kick

↓

-Why don't you just-- -I really don't mind shaking his hand.

hand mind shaking

↓

How many times do we have to go through this?

times

↓

-We're not shaking hands. -We're not shaking hands.

hands shaking

↓

-We don't know these people. -Don't know you.

↓

-Sorry. -Oh.

↓

Wow, look at that suit.

suit

↓

-Yeah. Look at that. -I love that.

love

↓

I'm not supposed to talk.

supposed

↓

-[Dennis] I didn't say-- I didn't say-- -I'm not supposed to, either.

dennis supposed

↓

Oh-- Come on, let's get this going.

↓

-He's-he's kidding. He's kidding. -Uh, yeah, so-so...

kidding

↓

-He's kidding. -Oh, yes. He, uh, just...

kidding

↓

-Yeah, but-- -Come on, everybody say, "Dos Hombres."

everybody hombres

↓

-Oh, uh... -[all] Dos Hombres!

hombres

↓

-All right, you can get -Thanks so much. -Yeah, so, we have a--

thanks

↓

the photos with the QR code that way.

code photos

↓

-There you go. -No, I don't need a photo.

photo

↓

Actually, I-I just wanted to pitch you--

pitch wanted

↓

-I-- -All right, hey. All right.

↓

What just happened?

happened

↓

You blew it, dude. You choked.

blew choked

↓

I didn't choke, no. It was... Malcolm.

choke malcolm

↓

He was throwing me a weird vibe.

throwing vibe weird

↓

-Yeah. He's very aggressive. -He's super aggressive.

aggressive super

↓

He's, like, he's, like the alpha dog, dude.

alpha

↓

-I didn't like that. -Malcolm's not in the middle.

malcolms middle

↓

-He's on top. -He's on top.

↓

-Shit. -You know what, let's-let's get back in the line.

line

↓

[coughing]

coughing

↓

Oh. Hey.

↓

Hey.

↓

Hey, buddy. [clears throat]

buddy clears clears-throat throat

↓

Hey, can I ask you something really quick?

quick

↓

-Yeah, sure, man. What's up? -Uh, hey, listen,

↓

I've been throwing up for a little bit.

throwing

↓

Ugh, dude, sorry.

↓

Yeah, I-I actually kind of can't stop.

↓

I think I'm having a reaction to the metals.

having reaction

↓

But, uh, my real problem is, like,

problem real real-problem

↓

no matter how much I hurl, like, the nickels

hurl matter nickels

↓

-keep coming out. -Nickels?

coming nickels

↓

Oh, yeah, it's a 'schläger play I got going.

↓

So, hey, look, can you do me a favor?

favor

↓

On my next hurl, you know, do you--

hurl

↓

could you see if you see any loose change in there, you know?

change loose

↓

'Cause, like, I-I really got to get a extra set of eyes on this.

extra eyes

↓

-I can't help you. All right? I-I'm waiting for somebody. -Please, please.

somebody waiting

↓

-Sir, I'm begging you, please. -It's not happening.

begging

↓

Listen, man, I can't help, all right?

↓

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

↓

What the hell?!

↓

-Damn it! -Oh! Hey.

↓

-Hey, man, hey, hey. -Come here.

↓

Come here. Look at this. Look at this.

↓

-Okay. Yes, sir. -Look at this.

↓

They're gonna ding me for the cleaning fee.

cleaning ding

↓

-All right? -Ah, yeah, look at that.

↓

Peace and love, peace and love.

love peace

↓

-Damn it! -I'm sorry! Hey, hey.

↓

-Just say by my car. Stay by my car -Hey, hey.

↓

-Hey, hey! -and watch this, I got to figure this out.

figure watch

↓

-Get by the car. -Okay, okay, okay.

↓

I got your car. I'll watch your car.

watch

↓

Yeah. [coughs]

coughs

↓

[grunts] He was a big boy.

grunts

↓

-Jesus. [coughing] -Damn it.

coughing jesus

↓

[Charlie groans]

charlie groans

↓

Hey, man, are you the Dos Hombres driver?

driver hombres

↓

Who?

↓

You know, the Malcolm in the Middle guys.

malcolm middle

↓

Yes, I am.

↓

Come on, come on.

↓

The dad did like my suit.

suit

↓

Would you shut up about the dad and the suit?

suit

↓

-Thank you very much. -[Dennis] What are they doing?

dennis

↓

-Oh, great. Okay. -[Dennis] Damn it.

dennis

↓

They're wrapping things up.

wrapping

↓

That's great. We blew it.

blew

↓

We totally blew our one shot. Goddamn it.

blew goddamn goddamn-it shot

↓

Hey, I think I just saw Jalen Hurts.

hurts jalen jalen-hurts

↓

-What? Seriously? Where? -Yeah.

↓

Dude, he just went into the bathroom.

bathroom

↓

I'm sure that was him.

↓

Okay, uh, listen. We're gonna pivot, all right?

pivot

↓

I mean, Jalen's a better fit for our Philly-based brand anyway,

based brand philly

↓

-don't you think? -Yeah.

↓

-Let's go talk to Jalen. -Let's get Jalen.

jalen

↓

Come on, let's go.

↓

-[urinating] -Jalen. -Yeah,

jalen urinating

↓

so, hey, listen, uh, I know this is a little weird,

weird

↓

us bum-rushing you in the bathroom like this, but, uh...

bathroom rushing

↓

You always were good against the rush.

rush

↓

[laughs] Now, that is true. You are good against the ru--

laughs

↓

Now, you're not gonna get away from us, though. [laughs]

laughs

↓

We gotcha.

gotcha

↓

That was a joke. Um...

joke

↓

[urinating continuing]

continuing urinating

↓

Okay, uh, well, listen, uh, we-we just, uh,

↓

we wanted to pitch you

pitch wanted

↓

a-a really great business opportunity.

business business-opportunity opportunity

↓

Yes, now imagine this lifestyle:

imagine lifestyle

↓

you're on a Caribbean island in an ill-fitting suit.

caribbean fitting island suit

↓

No, no, st-- no, uh, Jalen, we're not-not here to...

jalen

↓

-pitch you a lifestyle. -[toilet flushes]

flushes lifestyle pitch toilet toilet-flushes

↓

-Gritty? -Wait...

gritty

↓

-What the hell is this? -Wh-- I...

↓

I thought you said Jalen Hurts came in here.

hurts jalen jalen-hurts

↓

Is he in one of the other stalls?

↓

I don't know, I must have gotten them confused.

confused gotten must

↓

How do you confuse a young Black man

black confuse young

↓

with a giant orange monster?

giant monster orange

↓

-Uh... -[squeak]

squeak

↓

Okay, Gritty, picture yourself on a Caribbean island.

caribbean gritty island picture

↓

-Don't pitch Gritty! We're here to talk to a celebrity. -[toilet flushes]

celebrity flushes gritty pitch toilet toilet-flushes

↓

-Gritty's just Gritty. -[squeak]

gritty squeak

↓

What-- Oh, hey, Jalen! Jalen! There he is. Jalen!

jalen

↓

-Ah, we just missed him. -What are you talking about?

missed

↓

-That was not Jalen Hurts. -Yes, it was.

hurts jalen jalen-hurts

↓

Oh, don't take his side, Gritty.

gritty side

↓

-Well, he's right. -That was definitely Jalen Hurts.

hurts jalen jalen-hurts

↓

Uh, you know what, Gritty, we don't need you anymore.

anymore gritty

↓

Why don't you take a hike, pal?

hike

↓

-Appreciate it. -[squeak]

appreciate squeak

↓

-[phone ringing] -Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Hold on a second. Oh, it's Charlie.

charlie second

↓

What-- Wait, wait, wait.

↓

-What do you want, man? -[Charlie] Hey, uh,

charlie

↓

Dennis, uh, get to Frank as fast as you can.

dennis fast frank

↓

I have Malcolm and his dad.

malcolm

↓

-Are you serious? -I'll explain later.

explain serious

↓

Just-- I'll delay them as long as I can.

delay

↓

[Aaron] Hey, could you maybe just

aaron

↓

not be on the-the phone?

phone

↓

-Yeah? Okay. -Oh, yeah.

↓

Of course, sir. Yeah, I got to go.

course

↓

-Please? Thank you. -Uh, sorry about that.

↓

-Very unprofessional. -Thank you very much.

unprofessional

↓

-Uh, apologies. -Yeah, that's okay.

apologies

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

↓

Does it smell funky in here?

funky smell

↓

Very funky.

funky

↓

-Oh, you guys picking up an aroma? -Yeah.

aroma picking

↓

-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah, all right.

↓

You-- There might be a funk to it, Mr. Malcolm.

funk malcolm might

↓

I did vomit in here earlier.

vomit

↓

Oh, oh, great. Thank you for that.

↓

Wow. And my name is not Mr. Malcolm, it's Aaron.

aaron malcolm name

↓

[Charlie] Okay, I got you. Yeah, yeah.

charlie

↓

We can go by whatever code name

code name

↓

you feel most comfortable with, sir.

comfortable

↓

You know, I can't imagine the pressures of being

imagine pressures

↓

-a Hollywood celebrity. -Oh, oh, please, please, please!

celebrity hollywood

↓

-[horn honks] -Watch the road, watch the road. -Oh, yeah! Shit!

honks horn horn-honks road watch

↓

-Jesus. -Pardon my language.

jesus language pardon

↓

Yeah, sorry about that. Uh, pardon my driving.

driving pardon

↓

I haven't driven a car in a long, long time.

driven

↓

I-- We really got to start vetting these drivers.

drivers start

↓

Okay? If we're driving around in these crappy town cars

cars crappy driving town

↓

with lunatics and now we're flying coach?

coach flying lunatics

↓

-Counterpoint. -Coach?

coach

↓

I do like the grit.

grit

↓

-[Aaron] Oh, my God. -Don't you?

aaron

↓

I mean, it's associating with the common man.

common

↓

-Talking about me? -Yes.

↓

-Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

↓

-Absolutely. -When I first stepped onto the boards

absolutely boards stepped

↓

in the Great White Way of Broadway...

broadway white

↓

-Oh, and here we go again about Broadway. -Was I in the role

broadway role

↓

-of Richard III? No. -Were you? No?

richard

↓

-Slipping it in, of course. -No.

course slipping

↓

-I was his understudy. -Okay.

↓

-[groans] -I never really got to be on stage.

groans stage

↓

-Okay. -But I was very close.

close

↓

-You had to earn it, huh? -[laughs]

earn laughs

↓

-You had to earn it. -It's all about the work, isn't it?

earn

↓

-See? He's working, we're working. -Yeah, right?

working

↓

Yeah, we're-- We are working.

working

↓

Now, you can never forget where you came from.

forget

↓

-Remember how you got here? Remember, huh? -Yes.

remember

↓

This clown lost all of his money playing slots

clown lost money playing slots

↓

-at Pechanga. Yeah. -It-- I-I--

↓

[Aaron] No, you have a problem. You know you have a problem.

aaron problem

↓

The first step: admitting you have a problem.

admitting problem step

↓

I admit I am a servant to the gods of chance.

admit chance gods servant

↓

I pray at their altar.

pray

↓

-Yeah, way too much. -Come on, baby.

baby

↓

-Way too much. -Yeah, come on, baby!

baby

↓

[laughs] Let 'er roll!

laughs roll

↓

-Let 'er rip! -No, this guy was a week away

week

↓

from sucking off tourists, okay?

sucking tourists

↓

-Oh, my God. -To pay his rent, and you know that.

rent

↓

Fellas, you're not gonna have to suck anyone off.

fellas suck

↓

I'm taking you guys straight to a private plane today.

plane private straight today

↓

-Hmm? -Oh, great. Finally. See? See?

finally

↓

There you go. Aren't you happy?

happy

↓

-Doesn't that feel nice? -I'm very happy. Yes.

happy

↓

-[phone ringing] -[Aaron] Finally. Okay.

aaron finally phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Sorry, I happen to be getting another-another call here.

another happen

↓

-I got to take it. Hello, this is the driver. -[Aaron] Oh, my...

aaron driver

↓

Hey, Charlie! You said to call when we landed.

charlie landed

↓

What? We landed?

landed

↓

We landed 20 minutes ago. I'm just gassing up.

landed minutes

↓

Oh, goddamn it, why didn't you tell me that?

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

I wouldn't have eaten the disgusting oysters.

disgusting eaten oysters

↓

-Ugh. -You ate those oysters?

oysters

↓

What? You told me to.

↓

That can is from a shellfish company I started

company shellfish started

↓

with Tony Danza back in the '80s.

tony

↓

Tony's Oysters in a Can-za?

oysters

↓

-It was a catchy name. Didn't go anywhere. -Goddamn you.

catchy goddamn name

↓

Gross. I am out of here.

gross

↓

-[coughing] -[Charlie] Frank?

charlie coughing frank

↓

-Charlie. -Uh, this is Mr. Frank.

charlie frank

↓

He's the owner of the plane.

owner plane

↓

-Oh, perfect. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

perfect

↓

Uh, yes, Mr. Frank? I have the father and son.

father frank

↓

You got them, Charlie? Bring them over right away.

bring charlie

↓

All right. Ha, ha!

↓

Charlie got Malcolm and his dad.

charlie malcolm

↓

-Oh, shit. Are you serious? -[whoops]

serious whoops

↓

-Oh, I'm staying. -What are you talking about?

staying

↓

You've been complaining about getting off the plane.

complaining plane

↓

Now all of a sudden you're staying?

staying sudden

↓

-[coughs] -All right. Hey, guys. Come on.

coughs

↓

Let's go. Out of the cabin.

cabin

↓

What-what-- I'm not leaving my plane.

leaving plane

↓

Oh, no, we've had this whole situation

situation whole whole-situation

↓

where Jalen Hurts felt trapped and he just freaked out

freaked hurts jalen jalen-hurts trapped

↓

-and ran away. -It was not Jalen Hurts, okay?

hurts jalen jalen-hurts

↓

-It was literally just some Black guy. -I-- It was definitely

black

↓

-Jalen Hurts. Either way, -It was not Jalen Hurts.

hurts jalen jalen-hurts

↓

-let's just go. Let's go. -Let's go. Come on.

↓

-Up, up, up. -Ugh, all right, all right.

↓

-Yeah. -[sighs]

sighs

↓

Yeah, but I always wonder at whose expense.

expense wonder

↓

You know, when I was making my way

↓

on the Great White Way of Broadway...

broadway white

↓

-Oh, my God. Jesus-- Hey. -It was hard.

hard jesus

↓

You know, I-I have an idea.

idea

↓

Why don't you just shut your eyes and go to sleep?

eyes sleep

↓

And then I will let you know when you can wake up.

wake

↓

-Okay? Shh. -Okay. Thank you.

↓

Okay.

↓

-Oh, but sleep's for pussies. -Geez.

geez pussies sleeps

↓

Let's party, am I right? Hey, guys, I'm Dee.

party

↓

Jesus, where'd you come from?

jesus whered

↓

I didn't know we were sharing the plane.

plane sharing

↓

-Yeah, I-- -Ah! [laughs]

laughs

↓

Hi, I'm Frank, the owner.

frank owner

↓

And you don't have to share the plane.

plane share

↓

This plane, this pretty little bird can be yours

bird plane

↓

for a mere price of $35 mil.

mere price

↓

-[Dennis] Sorry, actually, um... -[Aaron groans]

aaron dennis groans

↓

-It's a beautiful bird. -Hey, guys, don't worry.

bird worry

↓

We're not-not here to sell you a plane. Frank, please, don't.

frank plane sell

↓

Yeah, we want to-- We-we'd sell the plane

plane sell

↓

-We would, but that's not the point. -if you would go for it,

point

↓

-you'd buy it. -Just-- We're not selling the plane.

plane selling

↓

-Okay, we're here to sell you, um-- -A lifestyle

lifestyle sell

↓

-No, no. -and ill-fitting suits.

fitting suits

↓

-No, no, no, uh, that-that's also wrong. -[laughs]

laughs

↓

-We're not selling any of that, okay? -Okay.

selling

↓

-[laughs] -No, no, no. Let's-let's... No.

laughs

↓

We're here to sell you a, uh--

sell

↓

Nickelschläger!

↓

No, goddamn it! None of that.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

None of that. Okay, listen-listen to me. Listen.

↓

-Look, we're just-- Listen. -He's the driver.

driver

↓

Let's just start over, okay?

start

↓

We're gonna start all over, and we're gonna do it

start

↓

with a firm handshake.

firm firm-handshake handshake

↓

Oh. I'm not supposed to.

supposed

↓

-Oh, come on, man. -[Mac] I think you're in

↓

an abusive relationship.

abusive relationship

↓

Okay! This is absolutely insane.

absolutely insane

↓

Put your hand down, Bryan.

bryan hand

↓

But I don't mind shaking his hand, really, I don't--

hand mind shaking

↓

No, put it down, you silly little bitch.

bitch silly

↓

Put it down.

↓

-Put it down. -No.

↓

Don't you touch him.

touch

↓

I said no.

↓

[Aaron] What? Oh, my God.

aaron

↓

What is happening?

↓

Sit down.

↓

Please, just sit down.

↓

-Y ou want us to sit down? -Sit down, please,

↓

-all of you. -We-we will sit down.

↓

[Dennis] Yeah, why don't we all sit down?

dennis

↓

I don't ask for a lot.

↓

An Emmy here, a Tony there.

tony

↓

Little pocket change for the one-armed succubus in Reno.

armed change pocket reno succubus

↓

But you.

↓

You, you're-- It's never enough for you.

↓

You want it all.

↓

And you deceived me into thinking

deceived thinking

↓

that-that I wanted it all, too, and I don't.

wanted

↓

And you took charge of our little operation,

charge operation

↓

and ever since then,

↓

you've been... you've been controlling my life.

controlling life

↓

You control everything.

control

↓

Or do you?

↓

Maybe...

↓

you are the one being deceived.

deceived

↓

Maybe being the front man

front

↓

of an alcohol business

alcohol business

↓

places your head so far out in front of you

front head places

↓

that you don't even realize

realize

↓

that your neck is exposed.

exposed neck

↓

Enough to be lopped off

↓

by a public

public

↓

so thirsty to taste the blood

blood taste thirsty

↓

of greedy celebrities.

celebrities greedy

↓

So, when they come--

↓

and they will--

↓

who are they gonna come after, huh?

↓

The sweet, hapless boob...

boob sweet

↓

...or the slick-talking, scheming millennial?

slick

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

So, I ask you...

↓

...bitch...

bitch

↓

...who is really in charge here?

charge

↓

[sniffs]

sniffs

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

Boom.

boom

↓

And that, my friends,

friends

↓

is acting.

acting

↓

-[laughs] -What? Wow!

laughs

↓

-What?! -Wait, wait.

↓

-That was-- -That-that was all fake?

fake

↓

Made it all up. Fake, fake, fake, fake.

fake

↓

No offense, anything I said.

offense

↓

-Oh, no, you're welcome... -I was just joking.

joking welcome

↓

But I do love to perform.

love perform

↓

-I do, it's in my blood. -You got the stuff.

blood stuff

↓

Uh, you should consider doing a drama, Mr. Middle.

consider drama middle

↓

-You really should consider doing drama. -Yeah.

consider drama

↓

-That's a good idea. -I think you got the goods, man.

goods idea

↓

Hey, so listen, do you guys want to invest?

invest

↓

-Boss? -Fuck no.

boss fuck

↓

-Fuck no! No. -Fuck no!

fuck

↓

[Aaron] Of course not. I don't want to spend

aaron course spend

↓

another moment with you crazies.

another crazies moment

↓

-Not another minute. -You people are insane.

another insane minute

↓

Get me off this plane.

plane

↓

[crowd chanting backwards]

backwards chanting chanting-backwards crowd crowd-chanting

↓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

access access-group access-wgbh captioned group media media-access media-access-group wgbh