Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S16E05 — Celebrity Booze - The Ultimate Cash Grab

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 16, Episode 5 — Celebrity Booze - The Ultimate Cash Grab

♪ ♪

#1

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[Chet] In other news, Tinseltown is coming to Philadelphia.

#2

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Hollywood stars Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul are here

#3

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promoting their alcohol brand, Dos Hombres.

#4

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[reporter] Hey, Bryan, how does it feel to be the kingpin of mezcal?

#5

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Oh, no, no. No, no. Don't-don't put that on me.

#6

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No, I'm just a simple actor.

#7

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This, this is the man,

#8

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-the brains behind the whole operation. -No.

#9

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-No, no, no. -Yeah, it is.

#10

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[Aaron] It's a team effort.

#11

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Wow. Hollywood celebrities right here in Philly, huh?

#12

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-I don't love it. I mean, -Yeah.

#13

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why can't they stay in their lane?

#14

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Why do they have into come into our lane?

#15

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The celebrity booze thing's a little out of control.

#16

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It's a total sellout. I mean, a complete cash grab.

#17

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Any idiot could take a bottle of booze,

#18

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slap a celebrity's face on it and-and make a fortune.

#19

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-I mean, we could do it if we wanted. -Oh, we know more about booze

#20

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-than these two guys, probably. -Are you kidding me?

#21

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Look, yeah, is there an opportunity

#22

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for us to create a booze of our own, right?

#23

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And go pitch those guys? Yeah, of course there is.

#24

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-It would be so easy. -Yeah. -It would be so easy, you know?

#25

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And could we do something like that?

#26

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-Also, yes. Absolutely. -Yes. Yes.

#27

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-Of course, we could, you know. -But I mean,

#28

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are we gonna go do something like that?

#29

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-Yes, we're gonna do that, yeah. -Of course we are, yes. -I think we should.

#30

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-I think we should. -It's already happening.

#31

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♪ ♪

#32

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Okay, guys, I think we can all agree we need to

#33

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come up with a brand that is representative

#34

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of who we are as people and as businessmen.

#35

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Now I ask you guys this: what's the first word

#36

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that comes to your mind when you are trying to describe us?

#37

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-Premium. -Mm, I was gonna say that, dude. -Premium.

#38

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-I was gonna say premium. -You were gonna say that, too?

#39

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-[Mac] Yeah. -And look, hey.

#40

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Listen, man, you're spot-on. Premium.

#41

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Yes, our brand will, of course, be a premium brand.

#42

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Now, what is the most premium alcohol ever invented?

#43

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-Goldschläger. -Goldschläger. Yeah.

#44

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Goldschläger. All right, hey!

#45

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We're all on the same page here.

#46

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-Yeah, we think-- -This is good, I like this. Okay, yeah.

#47

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Swiss cinnamon schnapps liqueur

#48

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with drinkable flakes of gold floating in it.

#49

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My God, what's more premium than that?

#50

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-Yeah, nothing. -Nothing, right?

#51

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Here's a pitch. Okay, I can get a bunch of nickels

#52

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and I could smash them up and put them into a 'schläger.

#53

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Right? We call it Nickelschläger,

#54

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and we pitch it as, like, the working man's spirit.

#55

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And, you know, nickels are, they're easy to find

#56

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and, uh, just as shiny.

#57

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Well, that sounds disgusting, and, uh,

#58

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-potentially dangerous as well. -Yeah, I'm-a try it, though.

#59

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Listen, I think I've pinpointed a small market trend

#60

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that we could corner but that could

#61

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also totally represent us.

#62

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I'm talking about a blend.

#63

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A blend?

#64

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-Oh. Blends. -Yes. Blends, blends.

#65

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-Blends! -Yes.

#66

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Blends are very popular these days.

#67

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Wine blends, whiskey blends, you know?

#68

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So let me ask you this:

#69

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what is the second-classiest drink in the world?

#70

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-Jägermeister. Yes. -Jägermeister. Yeah, yeah. -Jägermeister.

#71

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-Jägermeister, yeah. -Amazing, yes.

#72

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It's the 'meisters and the,

#73

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and the 'schlägers and the schnapps.

#74

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I mean, those are the drinks that make people feel high-end,

#75

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you know, like they're on a European ski adventure, right?

#76

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-[all laugh] -Yeah, it's true. -Yeah.

#77

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Those drinks that make people feel premium, you know?

#78

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So I say we do a blend of all the most premium drinks.

#79

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We put them all together, and we make one drink

#80

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called Paddy's SchlägerSchnappsterMeister.

#81

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-That's brilliant. -That's so smart.

#82

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-Well, because it-it blends them -Dude, that is really smart. It's fun.

#83

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-all together, like you said. -Who's thought of that?

#84

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-It's a lot of fun, right? -It's elegant.

#85

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It definitely feels like you're in Switzerland or something.

#86

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-Yeah, yeah. -Great, so you guys get it, okay. Great.

#87

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So I-I'm so glad we're on the same page with this.

#88

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So, here's the thing. All we got to do

#89

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is get those celebrity guys' blessing and boom--

#90

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we are off to the races, we're gonna be rich men, but

#91

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I don't think we should approach them

#92

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without being fully funded first.

#93

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So our first test is gonna be landing a big fish

#94

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who can finance this whole operation.

#95

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and I know just the guy.

#96

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[chuckles]

#97

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-[phone vibrating] -♪ I want money ♪

#98

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♪ Lots and lots. ♪

#99

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-Yo. -[Dennis] Yo, Frank,

#100

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I got you on speakerphone with, uh, Mac and Charlie.

#101

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-Where are you right now? -I'm in the sky.

#102

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-In the sky? -What?

#103

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[Dee] That's right, dicknips.

#104

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We're in the sky on a private plane

#105

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-on the way to Aruba. -[Charlie] What the hell, Frank?

#106

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-Why you taking Dee? -[Dee] Um, because

#107

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I'm more glamorous than you guys.

#108

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Frank recognizes that and so he invited me.

#109

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I was on my way to the jet,

#110

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she overheard me talking about the flight

#111

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-and she glommed on. -Yeah, you know what? We don't care.

#112

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Uh, Frank, we have a business proposition for you, pal.

#113

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Frank, how would you like to invest

#114

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in a celebrity alcohol brand?

#115

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No, I don't know about that.

#116

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I-I once had Greg Louganis

#117

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as the face of my apricot brand in the '80s.

#118

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But when he cracked his noggin at the Olympics,

#119

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the business took a nosedive with him.

#120

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Okay, well, we're talking about

#121

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a much bigger celebrity than that, okay?

#122

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We're talking about a household name here.

#123

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Have you ever hear of a little show called

#124

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Malcolm in the Middle?

#125

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Have I? Changed the game.

#126

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-Changed the game, Frank. -That it did. That it did. -[Mac] Yes. Yes.

#127

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-It did change the game. -That it did. One of the greatest shows of all time.

#128

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Well, listen, the dad from that show is in town

#129

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and we're gonna be pitching him tonight.

#130

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And Malcolm. He's here, too, although he's all grown up now,

#131

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-so you might not recognize him. -Yeah.

#132

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Dang, that sounds pretty glamorous.

#133

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-I'd like to hang with celebs. -Shut up, Dee.

#134

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-[Dennis] Shut up, Dee. -[Charlie] Oh, God, shut up, Dee.

#135

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[Mac] Shut your mouth or I will shut it for you!

#136

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When you get back, Mac's gonna shut it for you!

#137

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We're gonna shut your mouth and we're gonna sew your lips shut!

#138

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-[Charlie] Just shut up. -Shut up!

#139

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-Shut up! -All right, well-well,

#140

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you know, if you can get, uh, Malcolm and his dad

#141

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on the hook, bring them to me at the jet.

#142

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When I land, we'll talk shop.

#143

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-[Mac] Oh, good. -[Charlie] Nice, dude.

#144

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-Big fish landed! -All right!

#145

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How are they gonna bring them to Aruba?

#146

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We were never going to Aruba. We're circling Philly.

#147

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Oh, my God. There's The Linc!

#148

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What the hell, Frank? Why are we circling Philly?

#149

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I got to put enough miles on the jet

#150

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to make it look like I went to Aruba and back.

#151

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It's a tax thing.

#152

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Then why don't we just go to Aruba and back?

#153

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Wouldn't that make more sense?

#154

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I have things to do in Philly.

#155

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But I don't want to circle Philly for hours.

#156

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Hey, look, first you nag me to get on the plane,

#157

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now you're nagging me to get off.

#158

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Just-- No dice.

#159

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-We're circling Philly. -Oh, goddamn it.

#160

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♪ I want money, lots and lots of money... ♪

#161

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It is popping off in there, man. It is popping off.

#162

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Actually, Charlie, I would also love for you

#163

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-to pop off that hat. -No, dude, you said dress nice.

#164

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I want to be able to tip my cap to these guys

#165

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-when I meet them. -Yeah, but you look like a limo driver.

#166

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-Whatever, dude. I look good, man. -[sighs]

#167

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You guys want to hit some of this, too, by the way?

#168

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-The hell is that? -It's Nickelschläger, man.

#169

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It's delicious. I've been drinking it all day.

#170

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Throw that shit out. Do not bring that up in the pitch.

#171

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-I'm gonna pitch it. -Dude, do not-- Don't--

#172

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Oh, goddamn it.

#173

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-[scanner beeps] -Oh.

#174

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-Over here, sir. -Okay, you know what? That might have been this.

#175

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Uh, here, I'll give it to you, I guess. Uh, don't mind me.

#176

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-Anything in your pockets, sir? -No, no, I'm good.

#177

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-I'm good, I sh-- -[device beeping]

#178

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Uh...

#179

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Guys, why is it going off on my stomach?

#180

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Because you have a belly full of nickels.

#181

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Oh, right. Shit. Okay, you know what? Um...

#182

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I'll make myself throw up and then I'll get--

#183

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Should I throw up here or, uh...

#184

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All right, I'm gonna go outside

#185

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and-and I'll meet you guys back in.

#186

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-[scanner beeps] -Great.

#187

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Good riddance. He looks ridiculous anyway.

#188

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Yeah, well, you don't look that much better, pal.

#189

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I mean, what-what, what is going on with that suit?

#190

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Oh, I'm going for a "Jordan in the '90s" look.

#191

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I mean, who's more premium than MJ, right?

#192

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Now, I'm thinking that I go pitch a fashion line

#193

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and sort of expand

#194

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-into a lifestyle brand. -No, don't do that.

#195

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Okay? Let's just-- Uh, can we stick with the one thing?

#196

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-Just stick with the one thing, please. -They're celebrities.

#197

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-They're gonna get the look. -I know they're celebrities.

#198

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I'm not saying they're not celebrities. I'm saying--

#199

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Do you know who Michael Jordan is?

#200

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-Yes, I know who-- -Then why are you

#201

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-fighting me about this? -Can we just go get in the meet-and-greet line?

#202

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It's already getting long as shit. Come on.

#203

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-[cackles] -Frank.

#204

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-Frank! -What?

#205

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How much longer?

#206

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-Three hours. -Oh, my God.

#207

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Can I watch what you're watching?

#208

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'Cause the Wi-Fi is not strong enough

#209

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for me to watch anything.

#210

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You should have downloaded movies, then.

#211

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I mean, I also have to go to the bathroom.

#212

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Well, that's not good. Bathroom on the plane is busted.

#213

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-W-What? -Yeah, but you can use the emergency can.

#214

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Where's the emergency can?

#215

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-You're sitting on it. -What? Wh--

#216

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You just pull that cushion up and, uh, get that

#217

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privacy screen over there.

#218

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Is it a number one or a number two?

#219

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It's a number one.

#220

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Eh, let 'er rip.

#221

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It's still gonna go out in the air anyway.

#222

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Are you sure you don't have any food anywhere?

#223

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Why don't you sniff around back there?

#224

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What's this?

#225

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-What's that? -There's a can of something.

#226

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Oh, that's an old can of oysters from another flight.

#227

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-A can of oysters? -Yeah, go ahead, have them.

#228

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Ugh, goddamn it.

#229

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[Dennis] All right, all right.

#230

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-Getting pretty close here. -Okay, now,

#231

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just go with me here, Dennis.

#232

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I want you to picture it, all right?

#233

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It's a whole lifestyle ecosystem.

#234

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-No-- -With booze and suits

#235

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and apps that link you to personal trainers

#236

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who make you look good in the suits. Premium.

#237

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-Dude, this is what I'm saying. -No, listen, can we please,

#238

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please, please just stick with the blend?

#239

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-Stick with the blend. -This is a blend of ideas.

#240

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Yes, but it's a blend of too many ideas. I don't even

#241

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know what you're talking about half the time.

#242

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-I'm talking about branding, bro, it's branding. -I know what you're--

#243

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You know what, actually, you just keep

#244

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your mouth shut the whole time.

#245

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Just keep your mouth shut, I'll do the talking.

#246

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We do the firm handshake, right? 'Cause that's essential

#247

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to setting tone for a good pitch.

#248

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Got to have a firm handshake. And then that's it.

#249

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I do the talking, and don't say a goddamn thing

#250

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about booze and suits and apps.

#251

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-Here we go. -Oh, okay.

#252

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-Thank you. -Thanks, ladies. -Thank you so much.

#253

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-Uh, all right. Come on, guys. -[Dennis] All right.

#254

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-Okay, here we go. -Hey, there, fellas. -Hey.

#255

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Hi, uh, hello to you, kind sirs.

#256

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-[chuckles] -Let's do a...

#257

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-Oh, uh... -No.

#258

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No, I'm sorry, we-we don't shake hands. So...

#259

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Uh, well, that kind of throws off my whole thing.

#260

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I think-- We can't kick this off without a firm handshake.

#261

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-Why don't you just-- -I really don't mind shaking his hand.

#262

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How many times do we have to go through this?

#263

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-We're not shaking hands. -We're not shaking hands.

#264

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-We don't know these people. -Don't know you.

#265

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-Sorry. -Oh.

#266

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Wow, look at that suit.

#267

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-Yeah. Look at that. -I love that.

#268

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I'm not supposed to talk.

#269

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-[Dennis] I didn't say-- I didn't say-- -I'm not supposed to, either.

#270

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Oh-- Come on, let's get this going.

#271

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-He's-he's kidding. He's kidding. -Uh, yeah, so-so...

#272

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-He's kidding. -Oh, yes. He, uh, just...

#273

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-Yeah, but-- -Come on, everybody say, "Dos Hombres."

#274

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-Oh, uh... -[all] Dos Hombres!

#275

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-All right, you can get -Thanks so much. -Yeah, so, we have a--

#276

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the photos with the QR code that way.

#277

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-There you go. -No, I don't need a photo.

#278

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Actually, I-I just wanted to pitch you--

#279

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-I-- -All right, hey. All right.

#280

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What just happened?

#281

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You blew it, dude. You choked.

#282

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I didn't choke, no. It was... Malcolm.

#283

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He was throwing me a weird vibe.

#284

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-Yeah. He's very aggressive. -He's super aggressive.

#285

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He's, like, he's, like the alpha dog, dude.

#286

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-I didn't like that. -Malcolm's not in the middle.

#287

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-He's on top. -He's on top.

#288

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-Shit. -You know what, let's-let's get back in the line.

#289

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[coughing]

#290

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Oh. Hey.

#291

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Hey.

#292

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Hey, buddy. [clears throat]

#293

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Hey, can I ask you something really quick?

#294

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-Yeah, sure, man. What's up? -Uh, hey, listen,

#295

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I've been throwing up for a little bit.

#296

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Ugh, dude, sorry.

#297

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Yeah, I-I actually kind of can't stop.

#298

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I think I'm having a reaction to the metals.

#299

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But, uh, my real problem is, like,

#300

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no matter how much I hurl, like, the nickels

#301

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-keep coming out. -Nickels?

#302

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Oh, yeah, it's a 'schläger play I got going.

#303

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So, hey, look, can you do me a favor?

#304

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On my next hurl, you know, do you--

#305

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could you see if you see any loose change in there, you know?

#306

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'Cause, like, I-I really got to get a extra set of eyes on this.

#307

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-I can't help you. All right? I-I'm waiting for somebody. -Please, please.

#308

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-Sir, I'm begging you, please. -It's not happening.

#309

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Listen, man, I can't help, all right?

#310

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Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

#311

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What the hell?!

#312

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-Damn it! -Oh! Hey.

#313

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-Hey, man, hey, hey. -Come here.

#314

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Come here. Look at this. Look at this.

#315

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-Okay. Yes, sir. -Look at this.

#316

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They're gonna ding me for the cleaning fee.

#317

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-All right? -Ah, yeah, look at that.

#318

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Peace and love, peace and love.

#319

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-Damn it! -I'm sorry! Hey, hey.

#320

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-Just say by my car. Stay by my car -Hey, hey.

#321

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-Hey, hey! -and watch this, I got to figure this out.

#322

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-Get by the car. -Okay, okay, okay.

#323

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I got your car. I'll watch your car.

#324

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Yeah. [coughs]

#325

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[grunts] He was a big boy.

#326

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-Jesus. [coughing] -Damn it.

#327

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[Charlie groans]

#328

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Hey, man, are you the Dos Hombres driver?

#329

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Who?

#330

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You know, the Malcolm in the Middle guys.

#331

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Yes, I am.

#332

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Come on, come on.

#333

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The dad did like my suit.

#334

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Would you shut up about the dad and the suit?

#335

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-Thank you very much. -[Dennis] What are they doing?

#336

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-Oh, great. Okay. -[Dennis] Damn it.

#337

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They're wrapping things up.

#338

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That's great. We blew it.

#339

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We totally blew our one shot. Goddamn it.

#340

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Hey, I think I just saw Jalen Hurts.

#341

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-What? Seriously? Where? -Yeah.

#342

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Dude, he just went into the bathroom.

#343

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I'm sure that was him.

#344

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Okay, uh, listen. We're gonna pivot, all right?

#345

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I mean, Jalen's a better fit for our Philly-based brand anyway,

#346

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-don't you think? -Yeah.

#347

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-Let's go talk to Jalen. -Let's get Jalen.

#348

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Come on, let's go.

#349

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-[urinating] -Jalen. -Yeah,

#350

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so, hey, listen, uh, I know this is a little weird,

#351

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us bum-rushing you in the bathroom like this, but, uh...

#352

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You always were good against the rush.

#353

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[laughs] Now, that is true. You are good against the ru--

#354

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Now, you're not gonna get away from us, though. [laughs]

#355

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We gotcha.

#356

⇓

That was a joke. Um...

#357

⇓

[urinating continuing]

#358

⇓

Okay, uh, well, listen, uh, we-we just, uh,

#359

⇓

we wanted to pitch you

#360

⇓

a-a really great business opportunity.

#361

⇓

Yes, now imagine this lifestyle:

#362

⇓

you're on a Caribbean island in an ill-fitting suit.

#363

⇓

No, no, st-- no, uh, Jalen, we're not-not here to...

#364

⇓

-pitch you a lifestyle. -[toilet flushes]

#365

⇓

-Gritty? -Wait...

#366

⇓

-What the hell is this? -Wh-- I...

#367

⇓

I thought you said Jalen Hurts came in here.

#368

⇓

Is he in one of the other stalls?

#369

⇓

I don't know, I must have gotten them confused.

#370

⇓

How do you confuse a young Black man

#371

⇓

with a giant orange monster?

#372

⇓

-Uh... -[squeak]

#373

⇓

Okay, Gritty, picture yourself on a Caribbean island.

#374

⇓

-Don't pitch Gritty! We're here to talk to a celebrity. -[toilet flushes]

#375

⇓

-Gritty's just Gritty. -[squeak]

#376

⇓

What-- Oh, hey, Jalen! Jalen! There he is. Jalen!

#377

⇓

-Ah, we just missed him. -What are you talking about?

#378

⇓

-That was not Jalen Hurts. -Yes, it was.

#379

⇓

Oh, don't take his side, Gritty.

#380

⇓

-Well, he's right. -That was definitely Jalen Hurts.

#381

⇓

Uh, you know what, Gritty, we don't need you anymore.

#382

⇓

Why don't you take a hike, pal?

#383

⇓

-Appreciate it. -[squeak]

#384

⇓

-[phone ringing] -Goddamn it.

#385

⇓

Hold on a second. Oh, it's Charlie.

#386

⇓

What-- Wait, wait, wait.

#387

⇓

-What do you want, man? -[Charlie] Hey, uh,

#388

⇓

Dennis, uh, get to Frank as fast as you can.

#389

⇓

I have Malcolm and his dad.

#390

⇓

-Are you serious? -I'll explain later.

#391

⇓

Just-- I'll delay them as long as I can.

#392

⇓

[Aaron] Hey, could you maybe just

#393

⇓

not be on the-the phone?

#394

⇓

-Yeah? Okay. -Oh, yeah.

#395

⇓

Of course, sir. Yeah, I got to go.

#396

⇓

-Please? Thank you. -Uh, sorry about that.

#397

⇓

-Very unprofessional. -Thank you very much.

#398

⇓

-Uh, apologies. -Yeah, that's okay.

#399

⇓

[sniffs]

#400

⇓

Does it smell funky in here?

#401

⇓

Very funky.

#402

⇓

-Oh, you guys picking up an aroma? -Yeah.

#403

⇓

-Yeah. -Yeah, yeah, all right.

#404

⇓

You-- There might be a funk to it, Mr. Malcolm.

#405

⇓

I did vomit in here earlier.

#406

⇓

Oh, oh, great. Thank you for that.

#407

⇓

Wow. And my name is not Mr. Malcolm, it's Aaron.

#408

⇓

[Charlie] Okay, I got you. Yeah, yeah.

#409

⇓

We can go by whatever code name

#410

⇓

you feel most comfortable with, sir.

#411

⇓

You know, I can't imagine the pressures of being

#412

⇓

-a Hollywood celebrity. -Oh, oh, please, please, please!

#413

⇓

-[horn honks] -Watch the road, watch the road. -Oh, yeah! Shit!

#414

⇓

-Jesus. -Pardon my language.

#415

⇓

Yeah, sorry about that. Uh, pardon my driving.

#416

⇓

I haven't driven a car in a long, long time.

#417

⇓

I-- We really got to start vetting these drivers.

#418

⇓

Okay? If we're driving around in these crappy town cars

#419

⇓

with lunatics and now we're flying coach?

#420

⇓

-Counterpoint. -Coach?

#421

⇓

I do like the grit.

#422

⇓

-[Aaron] Oh, my God. -Don't you?

#423

⇓

I mean, it's associating with the common man.

#424

⇓

-Talking about me? -Yes.

#425

⇓

-Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. -Yeah.

#426

⇓

-Absolutely. -When I first stepped onto the boards

#427

⇓

in the Great White Way of Broadway...

#428

⇓

-Oh, and here we go again about Broadway. -Was I in the role

#429

⇓

-of Richard III? No. -Were you? No?

#430

⇓

-Slipping it in, of course. -No.

#431

⇓

-I was his understudy. -Okay.

#432

⇓

-[groans] -I never really got to be on stage.

#433

⇓

-Okay. -But I was very close.

#434

⇓

-You had to earn it, huh? -[laughs]

#435

⇓

-You had to earn it. -It's all about the work, isn't it?

#436

⇓

-See? He's working, we're working. -Yeah, right?

#437

⇓

Yeah, we're-- We are working.

#438

⇓

Now, you can never forget where you came from.

#439

⇓

-Remember how you got here? Remember, huh? -Yes.

#440

⇓

This clown lost all of his money playing slots

#441

⇓

-at Pechanga. Yeah. -It-- I-I--

#442

⇓

[Aaron] No, you have a problem. You know you have a problem.

#443

⇓

The first step: admitting you have a problem.

#444

⇓

I admit I am a servant to the gods of chance.

#445

⇓

I pray at their altar.

#446

⇓

-Yeah, way too much. -Come on, baby.

#447

⇓

-Way too much. -Yeah, come on, baby!

#448

⇓

[laughs] Let 'er roll!

#449

⇓

-Let 'er rip! -No, this guy was a week away

#450

⇓

from sucking off tourists, okay?

#451

⇓

-Oh, my God. -To pay his rent, and you know that.

#452

⇓

Fellas, you're not gonna have to suck anyone off.

#453

⇓

I'm taking you guys straight to a private plane today.

#454

⇓

-Hmm? -Oh, great. Finally. See? See?

#455

⇓

There you go. Aren't you happy?

#456

⇓

-Doesn't that feel nice? -I'm very happy. Yes.

#457

⇓

-[phone ringing] -[Aaron] Finally. Okay.

#458

⇓

Sorry, I happen to be getting another-another call here.

#459

⇓

-I got to take it. Hello, this is the driver. -[Aaron] Oh, my...

#460

⇓

Hey, Charlie! You said to call when we landed.

#461

⇓

What? We landed?

#462

⇓

We landed 20 minutes ago. I'm just gassing up.

#463

⇓

Oh, goddamn it, why didn't you tell me that?

#464

⇓

I wouldn't have eaten the disgusting oysters.

#465

⇓

-Ugh. -You ate those oysters?

#466

⇓

What? You told me to.

#467

⇓

That can is from a shellfish company I started

#468

⇓

with Tony Danza back in the '80s.

#469

⇓

Tony's Oysters in a Can-za?

#470

⇓

-It was a catchy name. Didn't go anywhere. -Goddamn you.

#471

⇓

Gross. I am out of here.

#472

⇓

-[coughing] -[Charlie] Frank?

#473

⇓

-Charlie. -Uh, this is Mr. Frank.

#474

⇓

He's the owner of the plane.

#475

⇓

-Oh, perfect. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#476

⇓

Uh, yes, Mr. Frank? I have the father and son.

#477

⇓

You got them, Charlie? Bring them over right away.

#478

⇓

All right. Ha, ha!

#479

⇓

Charlie got Malcolm and his dad.

#480

⇓

-Oh, shit. Are you serious? -[whoops]

#481

⇓

-Oh, I'm staying. -What are you talking about?

#482

⇓

You've been complaining about getting off the plane.

#483

⇓

Now all of a sudden you're staying?

#484

⇓

-[coughs] -All right. Hey, guys. Come on.

#485

⇓

Let's go. Out of the cabin.

#486

⇓

What-what-- I'm not leaving my plane.

#487

⇓

Oh, no, we've had this whole situation

#488

⇓

where Jalen Hurts felt trapped and he just freaked out

#489

⇓

-and ran away. -It was not Jalen Hurts, okay?

#490

⇓

-It was literally just some Black guy. -I-- It was definitely

#491

⇓

-Jalen Hurts. Either way, -It was not Jalen Hurts.

#492

⇓

-let's just go. Let's go. -Let's go. Come on.

#493

⇓

-Up, up, up. -Ugh, all right, all right.

#494

⇓

-Yeah. -[sighs]

#495

⇓

Yeah, but I always wonder at whose expense.

#496

⇓

You know, when I was making my way

#497

⇓

on the Great White Way of Broadway...

#498

⇓

-Oh, my God. Jesus-- Hey. -It was hard.

#499

⇓

You know, I-I have an idea.

#500

⇓

Why don't you just shut your eyes and go to sleep?

#501

⇓

And then I will let you know when you can wake up.

#502

⇓

-Okay? Shh. -Okay. Thank you.

#503

⇓

Okay.

#504

⇓

-Oh, but sleep's for pussies. -Geez.

#505

⇓

Let's party, am I right? Hey, guys, I'm Dee.

#506

⇓

Jesus, where'd you come from?

#507

⇓

I didn't know we were sharing the plane.

#508

⇓

-Yeah, I-- -Ah! [laughs]

#509

⇓

Hi, I'm Frank, the owner.

#510

⇓

And you don't have to share the plane.

#511

⇓

This plane, this pretty little bird can be yours

#512

⇓

for a mere price of $35 mil.

#513

⇓

-[Dennis] Sorry, actually, um... -[Aaron groans]

#514

⇓

-It's a beautiful bird. -Hey, guys, don't worry.

#515

⇓

We're not-not here to sell you a plane. Frank, please, don't.

#516

⇓

Yeah, we want to-- We-we'd sell the plane

#517

⇓

-We would, but that's not the point. -if you would go for it,

#518

⇓

-you'd buy it. -Just-- We're not selling the plane.

#519

⇓

-Okay, we're here to sell you, um-- -A lifestyle

#520

⇓

-No, no. -and ill-fitting suits.

#521

⇓

-No, no, no, uh, that-that's also wrong. -[laughs]

#522

⇓

-We're not selling any of that, okay? -Okay.

#523

⇓

-[laughs] -No, no, no. Let's-let's... No.

#524

⇓

We're here to sell you a, uh--

#525

⇓

Nickelschläger!

#526

⇓

No, goddamn it! None of that.

#527

⇓

None of that. Okay, listen-listen to me. Listen.

#528

⇓

-Look, we're just-- Listen. -He's the driver.

#529

⇓

Let's just start over, okay?

#530

⇓

We're gonna start all over, and we're gonna do it

#531

⇓

with a firm handshake.

#532

⇓

Oh. I'm not supposed to.

#533

⇓

-Oh, come on, man. -[Mac] I think you're in

#534

⇓

an abusive relationship.

#535

⇓

Okay! This is absolutely insane.

#536

⇓

Put your hand down, Bryan.

#537

⇓

But I don't mind shaking his hand, really, I don't--

#538

⇓

No, put it down, you silly little bitch.

#539

⇓

Put it down.

#540

⇓

-Put it down. -No.

#541

⇓

Don't you touch him.

#542

⇓

I said no.

#543

⇓

[Aaron] What? Oh, my God.

#544

⇓

What is happening?

#545

⇓

Sit down.

#546

⇓

Please, just sit down.

#547

⇓

-Y ou want us to sit down? -Sit down, please,

#548

⇓

-all of you. -We-we will sit down.

#549

⇓

[Dennis] Yeah, why don't we all sit down?

#550

⇓

I don't ask for a lot.

#551

⇓

An Emmy here, a Tony there.

#552

⇓

Little pocket change for the one-armed succubus in Reno.

#553

⇓

But you.

#554

⇓

You, you're-- It's never enough for you.

#555

⇓

You want it all.

#556

⇓

And you deceived me into thinking

#557

⇓

that-that I wanted it all, too, and I don't.

#558

⇓

And you took charge of our little operation,

#559

⇓

and ever since then,

#560

⇓

you've been... you've been controlling my life.

#561

⇓

You control everything.

#562

⇓

Or do you?

#563

⇓

Maybe...

#564

⇓

you are the one being deceived.

#565

⇓

Maybe being the front man

#566

⇓

of an alcohol business

#567

⇓

places your head so far out in front of you

#568

⇓

that you don't even realize

#569

⇓

that your neck is exposed.

#570

⇓

Enough to be lopped off

#571

⇓

by a public

#572

⇓

so thirsty to taste the blood

#573

⇓

of greedy celebrities.

#574

⇓

So, when they come--

#575

⇓

and they will--

#576

⇓

who are they gonna come after, huh?

#577

⇓

The sweet, hapless boob...

#578

⇓

...or the slick-talking, scheming millennial?

#579

⇓

[chuckles]

#580

⇓

So, I ask you...

#581

⇓

...bitch...

#582

⇓

...who is really in charge here?

#583

⇓

[sniffs]

#584

⇓

[sighs]

#585

⇓

Boom.

#586

⇓

And that, my friends,

#587

⇓

is acting.

#588

⇓

-[laughs] -What? Wow!

#589

⇓

-What?! -Wait, wait.

#590

⇓

-That was-- -That-that was all fake?

#591

⇓

Made it all up. Fake, fake, fake, fake.

#592

⇓

No offense, anything I said.

#593

⇓

-Oh, no, you're welcome... -I was just joking.

#594

⇓

But I do love to perform.

#595

⇓

-I do, it's in my blood. -You got the stuff.

#596

⇓

Uh, you should consider doing a drama, Mr. Middle.

#597

⇓

-You really should consider doing drama. -Yeah.

#598

⇓

-That's a good idea. -I think you got the goods, man.

#599

⇓

Hey, so listen, do you guys want to invest?

#600

⇓

-Boss? -Fuck no.

#601

⇓

-Fuck no! No. -Fuck no!

#602

⇓

[Aaron] Of course not. I don't want to spend

#603

⇓

another moment with you crazies.

#604

⇓

-Not another minute. -You people are insane.

#605

⇓

Get me off this plane.

#606

⇓

[crowd chanting backwards]

#607

⇓

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

#608

⇓