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Season 1, Episode 5 — Advanced Criminal Law

reminding you

#3

⇓

that among your school's

#4

⇓

prestigious alumni

#5

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is Mr. Luis Guzmán.

#6

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Celebrated actor and model

#7

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Puerto Rican-American.

#8

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This Friday,

#9

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we will be dedicating

#10

⇓

a statue of Guzmán,

#11

⇓

and unveiling

#12

⇓

our brand-new school song.

#13

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but this sure feels like

#15

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a real college to me.

#16

⇓

Greendale, Greendale,

#18

⇓

Greendale.

#19

⇓

[EXPLOSION OVER SPEAKERS]

#20

⇓

How is student life,

#22

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my dry-witted friend?

#23

⇓

but less tragic

#26

⇓

Very dry, very witty,

#28

⇓

not a great friend.

#29

⇓

Listen, I wanted to ask you

#30

⇓

about that young lady

#31

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in your Spanish class.

#32

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You know, the blond

#33

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with the pouty,

#34

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strident

#35

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Cate Blanchett sexuality

#36

⇓

and the ridiculous name.

#37

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That's it. That's it.

#39

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Imagine living with that.

#40

⇓

Anyway, um,

#42

⇓

are you two an item?

#43

⇓

And if so, would that item

#44

⇓

be impervious to sabotage?

#45

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You know, you have

#46

⇓

M*A*S*H.

#53

⇓

Fawlty Towers, game over.

#54

⇓

Have a nice day.

#55

⇓

You think Luis Guzmán

#56

⇓

The Cowboy Way,

#61

⇓

Yeah. Luis Guzmán is on

#63

⇓

a private jet from Hollywood

#64

⇓

because he can't wait to have

#65

⇓

that conversation with you.

#66

⇓

Because he called me

#68

⇓

on my cell phone.

#69

⇓

call you?

#71

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No.

#73

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I'm President Obama's nephew.

#74

⇓

I didn't know

#76

⇓

if I could trust you,

#77

⇓

but now it's time

#78

⇓

to tell you everything.

#79

⇓

Starting with me inventing

#80

⇓

the Ferrari.

#81

⇓

So I guess

#82

⇓

the cell phone number

#83

⇓

you put on the study group's

#84

⇓

contact sheet was fake.

#85

⇓

Which I just learned

#86

⇓

in the awkward conclusion

#87

⇓

of a month-long

#88

⇓

text-message affair

#89

⇓

Sorry.

#91

⇓

That's okay.

#92

⇓

Give me your number.

#93

⇓

I'll cleanse my palate

#94

⇓

while Kevin

#95

⇓

rethinks his marriage.

#96

⇓

not to use it in any

#98

⇓

Uh-- Pass.

#100

⇓

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

#101

⇓

My name's Alex, dude.

#103

⇓

I'm sure you wanna know

#107

⇓

how you did.

#108

⇓

What is that?

#112

⇓

okay? That's all it is.

#114

⇓

A tiny piece of paper

#115

⇓

covered on the test.

#117

⇓

Otherwise known

#118

⇓

as a crib sheet.

#119

⇓

Who did it, huh?

#120

⇓

Mary Ann?

#121

⇓

Grandpa?

#122

⇓

Jackée? Kumar?

#123

⇓

that does apply to me.

#125

⇓

Whoever did this

#126

⇓

insulted my honor.

#127

⇓

And they've got 24 hours

#128

⇓

to come forward

#129

⇓

or Mr. Miyagi here

#130

⇓

Except you, Toby.

#133

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[THE 88'S "AT LEAST

#134

⇓

IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

#135

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♪ I should stay ♪

#137

⇓

The only difference

#138

⇓

is that I know

#140

⇓

who Señor Chang is.

#141

⇓

You hear him

#142

⇓

call me Jackée

#143

⇓

like I'm some

#144

⇓

black female caricature?

#145

⇓

If the good Lord

#146

⇓

hadn't been watching,

#147

⇓

I'd have slapped him

#148

⇓

upside the head.

#149

⇓

Flattering,

#151

⇓

but if I'm gonna cheat,

#152

⇓

from a book onto paper.

#154

⇓

for God's sake.

#156

⇓

wasn't a real cheater,

#158

⇓

just insecure and naive.

#159

⇓

I may be naive,

#160

⇓

but I'm not stupid.

#161

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Well, I may be stupid,

#162

⇓

but I'm not trying

#163

⇓

to look like I'm not.

#164

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Well, I may be a genius,

#165

⇓

but I'm not a lesbian.

#166

⇓

[SCOFFS]

#167

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BRITTA:

#168

⇓

Who cares who made it?

#169

⇓

The only real cheater

#170

⇓

is the guy

#171

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who's threatening

#172

⇓

everyone with a zero.

#173

⇓

Ew. No.

#181

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Well, I guess that's

#184

⇓

your fault, isn't it?

#185

⇓

It is?

#186

⇓

and songwriter

#188

⇓

sitting three feet

#189

⇓

away from you.

#190

⇓

I wrote the jingle

#191

⇓

I would've done your song

#193

⇓

for free.

#194

⇓

Smooth move, Metamucil.

#195

⇓

Troy invented rap music.

#197

⇓

and Obama.

#199

⇓

Abed, have you been racist

#200

⇓

this whole time

#201

⇓

at church

#203

⇓

what a sweet

#204

⇓

Hey man,

#206

⇓

wasn't true.

#208

⇓

I was just messing.

#209

⇓

You were lying?

#210

⇓

Yeah, as a joke.

#211

⇓

You never had somebody

#212

⇓

mess with you before?

#213

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Yes, just kidding.

#214

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No, like that?

#215

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This isn't a table.

#216

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Ha-ha-ha!

#217

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That's funny.

#218

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Remember when we used

#219

⇓

to study Spanish?

#220

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#221

⇓

Yo.

#223

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I talked to the dean

#224

⇓

and he said you can write

#225

⇓

That's more like it.

#227

⇓

is this Friday,

#229

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so you have to have it

#230

⇓

it done by then.

#231

⇓

If that's not enough time--

#233

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No. You really

#234

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Great.

#237

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There's a piano

#238

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in the rehearsal space

#239

⇓

and I'll help you out

#240

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however I can.

#241

⇓

I know!

#243

⇓

So this is

#244

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to be an adult

#246

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and face la música

#247

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No.

#249

⇓

You've got 10 seconds,

#250

⇓

starting now.

#251

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#252

⇓

No!

#253

⇓

I've never gotten

#254

⇓

a zero before.

#255

⇓

Britta?

#257

⇓

Wow. You really took

#258

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How dare you

#260

⇓

terrorize a class

#261

⇓

It's not easy

#263

⇓

to get human beings

#264

⇓

to turn on each other.

#265

⇓

Turn on her.

#266

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[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

#267

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God, Britta.

#269

⇓

with a cheating,

#272

⇓

lying, poop face.

#273

⇓

Okay, time to learn

#274

⇓

some formal greetings.

#275

⇓

So wow.

#276

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Yeah,

#277

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I bet you're enjoying this.

#278

⇓

Yeah, well,

#279

⇓

and I was here.

#282

⇓

What do you think

#286

⇓

they're gonna do to me?

#287

⇓

an ice cream.

#289

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Hi, Dean Pelton.

#290

⇓

Quite an entrance

#291

⇓

I got to make there.

#292

⇓

You would be Britta Perry?

#293

⇓

And I'm afraid Greendale

#295

⇓

takes this kind of thing

#296

⇓

very seriously.

#297

⇓

Your case will be reviewed

#299

⇓

by disciplinary tribunal

#300

⇓

tomorrow in Borchart Hall.

#301

⇓

There is an Olympic-sized

#304

⇓

pool there, yes.

#305

⇓

But we will be next to it,

#306

⇓

using its

#307

⇓

$6000 judge's table.

#308

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Uh, is she allowed

#309

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to have counsel?

#310

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I mean, I may not be

#311

⇓

I'm Alan Dershowitz.

#314

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Oh. Okay, ouch.

#315

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If you'd like,

#316

⇓

you may represent her.

#317

⇓

Dean you later.

#318

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I'm not gonna sit

#319

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while some hokey tribunal

#320

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gets its jollies judging me.

#321

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follow my lead,

#323

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and deny everything,

#324

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you'll walk.

#325

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I get it.

#327

⇓

and send me into fits

#330

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of grateful arousal.

#331

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I can neither confirm

#332

⇓

nor deny that.

#333

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See how good I am?

#334

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Hey, Troy, did you hear?

#335

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All dogs are blue now.

#336

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Every single dog in the world

#337

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is blue.

#338

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[LAUGHS]

#339

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Yeah. I know.

#341

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Okay.

#345

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Secondly,

#350

⇓

in your face, okay?

#353

⇓

Yeah?

#355

⇓

Okay.

#357

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between believable and--

#359

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It's a notepad.

#361

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It's probably Arabic.

#363

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[♪♪♪]

#364

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[ABED BABBLING]

#365

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this disciplinary tribunal

#367

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at our state-of-the-art

#368

⇓

judge's table.

#369

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Which has its own built-in

#370

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sound system.

#371

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So take that, Yale.

#372

⇓

Dean Craig Pelton.

#374

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Professor Ian Duncan.

#375

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Professor Ben Chang.

#376

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Uh, no, you're a teacher,

#377

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you're not a professor.

#378

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Well, maybe because

#379

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Gentlemen, point of order.

#383

⇓

How can Señor Chang

#384

⇓

be one of the judges?

#385

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as your drinking buddy.

#388

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DUNCAN:

#389

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Oh, got me.

#390

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And I go both ways.

#393

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Oh, let's strike that.

#394

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LaShonda,

#395

⇓

can we please strike that?

#396

⇓

I am impartial,

#397

⇓

so it should all work out.

#398

⇓

Okay, let's begin.

#399

⇓

Okay, just keep it

#402

⇓

up, Frost/Nixon.

#403

⇓

Oh, with great pleasure.

#409

⇓

It was a Tuesday,

#410

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uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m.

#411

⇓

I got up,

#412

⇓

I took my morning deuce.

#413

⇓

I made a breakfast

#414

⇓

consisting of--

#415

⇓

♪ Greendale, Greendale ♪

#416

⇓

♪ Slop pail-- ♪

#417

⇓

[SIGHS]

#420

⇓

Hi. I'm almost done.

#421

⇓

Oh, good.

#422

⇓

You can tell the dean

#423

⇓

you will have a song

#424

⇓

that'll make the devil

#425

⇓

poop God's pants.

#426

⇓

That's exciting.

#427

⇓

Mind if I hear

#428

⇓

Well, yeah, sure, I, uh--

#430

⇓

I'll probably open

#431

⇓

[PLAYS PIANO]

#433

⇓

You know,

#437

⇓

I'm just a little worried.

#439

⇓

I keep hearing

#440

⇓

the same two notes.

#441

⇓

a Chinese takeout menu.

#443

⇓

A musician sees music

#444

⇓

in everything, Annie.

#445

⇓

I mean, it could be--

#446

⇓

♪ Moo shu pork ♪

#447

⇓

♪ Squab with lettuce ♪

#448

⇓

You see?

#449

⇓

I mean, it just comes out.

#450

⇓

right now.

#452

⇓

cosmic womb of creativity.

#455

⇓

And when this baby

#456

⇓

starts kicking,

#457

⇓

I cannot be responsible

#458

⇓

for your sanity. Ha.

#459

⇓

I know it sounds funny,

#460

⇓

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

#462

⇓

You know, like on stage?

#464

⇓

Playing you out, okay?

#465

⇓

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

#467

⇓

Then she yelled, "Screw you."

#468

⇓

Or, "Screw education."

#469

⇓

Or something like that. Then

#470

⇓

she stormed out of the room

#471

⇓

in her high-heel boots

#472

⇓

like it was tampon time.

#473

⇓

Objection.

#475

⇓

Now, are those

#480

⇓

the high-heel boots?

#481

⇓

Are they comfortable?

#483

⇓

Miss Perry,

#486

⇓

She confessed.

#489

⇓

She confessed

#490

⇓

to protect her classmates

#491

⇓

to flunk everyone.

#493

⇓

Oh. Shut your pompous vortex

#495

⇓

of overlapping fangs.

#496

⇓

is not on trial.

#498

⇓

Well, it certainly--

#501

⇓

that this young lady's

#503

⇓

only crime

#504

⇓

is being a hero

#505

⇓

And we're back.

#509

⇓

Objection.

#510

⇓

My client did not cheat.

#511

⇓

Yes, I did.

#512

⇓

Yes, she did.

#513

⇓

But why?

#514

⇓

That's the real question,

#515

⇓

isn't it?

#516

⇓

Five minute recess?

#520

⇓

No, no. There's nothing

#521

⇓

in the bylaws

#522

⇓

about recesses, all right?

#523

⇓

time out.

#527

⇓

[ABED BEEPING]

#529

⇓

ABED:

#530

⇓

Beginning transmission.

#531

⇓

male bonding.

#533

⇓

5'10" in height--

#539

⇓

TROY:

#540

⇓

What are you doing?

#541

⇓

standing there?

#545

⇓

Yes.

#547

⇓

You got me.

#549

⇓

Yeah, you did.

#552

⇓

[ABED MAKES BEEPING SOUND]

#553

⇓

I don't like the fact

#557

⇓

like you're better than me,

#559

⇓

But you shouldn't be.

#567

⇓

What are you

#568

⇓

doing out there?

#569

⇓

You know I have a problem

#570

⇓

with dishonesty.

#571

⇓

You're on trial for cheating.

#572

⇓

Fine. Look, we'll be fine.

#573

⇓

I just have go back out there

#574

⇓

and make the case

#575

⇓

that you're a good person.

#576

⇓

You don't know that.

#577

⇓

You said it yourself.

#580

⇓

my friend.

#582

⇓

Wait a minute, wait.

#583

⇓

Is that-- Is that

#584

⇓

what you thought I meant?

#585

⇓

Britta, look at me.

#586

⇓

Look at me.

#587

⇓

I am.

#588

⇓

No, look how handsome

#589

⇓

my face is.

#590

⇓

If all I wanted was sex,

#591

⇓

I could get it

#592

⇓

from plenty of women

#593

⇓

without having

#594

⇓

to go through all this crap.

#595

⇓

I'm here because I like you.

#596

⇓

And I'd-- I'd be psyched

#597

⇓

to be your friend.

#598

⇓

I didn't wanna take sex

#599

⇓

off the table

#600

⇓

without doing

#601

⇓

my due diligence.

#602

⇓

Well, why wouldn't you?

#604

⇓

I don't know. I guess

#605

⇓

on the floor

#610

⇓

because I wanted

#611

⇓

to get caught at it.

#612

⇓

I'm so used to

#613

⇓

it over with.

#616

⇓

Wait.

#617

⇓

I think we have our defense.

#618

⇓

What?

#620

⇓

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

#621

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#622

⇓

Gentlemen,

#623

⇓

I'm sure you suspected

#624

⇓

before the recess.

#626

⇓

But if you could've heard

#627

⇓

all the stuff

#628

⇓

you would realize

#630

⇓

she is all the way out

#631

⇓

of her entire damn mind.

#632

⇓

because she doesn't think

#634

⇓

she can.

#635

⇓

So she goes out of her way

#636

⇓

to fail.

#637

⇓

That's crazy.

#638

⇓

But do we really

#639

⇓

wanna make it a crime

#640

⇓

to be crazy at Greendale?

#641

⇓

I mean, look at us.

#642

⇓

about status

#644

⇓

schools make fun of.

#646

⇓

Dean, you want so bad

#647

⇓

of electrocution.

#650

⇓

is nuts.

#652

⇓

Oh, come on, Leonard.

#654

⇓

put on a bathing suit.

#656

⇓

Busted.

#657

⇓

[LAUGHS]

#658

⇓

If you wanna rehabilitate

#659

⇓

your fellow inmate,

#660

⇓

you need to sentence her

#661

⇓

to staying here with us.

#662

⇓

Because if crazy people

#663

⇓

can't be at Greendale,

#664

⇓

[SNIFFS]

#666

⇓

psychological counseling

#672

⇓

BOTH: Aye.

#678

⇓

Wait. What?

#680

⇓

That just happened.

#681

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#682

⇓

[MAN BABBLING]

#683

⇓

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:

#684

⇓

Greetings, Abed.

#685

⇓

Greetings, commander.

#687

⇓

Tell me about

#688

⇓

the one they call Troy.

#689

⇓

Well, he is rather arrogant

#690

⇓

and has no mercy

#691

⇓

for weaker beings.

#692

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#694

⇓

I'm not an alien.

#695

⇓

[LAUGHS]

#696

⇓

I never thought you were.

#697

⇓

But this is insane, okay?

#698

⇓

Those are credible

#699

⇓

alien hand movements.

#700

⇓

I'm pretty sure

#702

⇓

you rented a green screen.

#703

⇓

It would be less creepy

#705

⇓

if you were

#706

⇓

actually an alien.

#707

⇓

No. It--

#709

⇓

From now on, Abed,

#710

⇓

friends don't mess

#711

⇓

with each other.

#712

⇓

Cool, cool. Bang-bang.

#714

⇓

[BABBLING]

#715

⇓

He knows.

#717

⇓

[WHIMPERING]

#718

⇓

You're getting

#719

⇓

a little sloppy.

#720

⇓

I've got it.

#722

⇓

[PLAYING]

#723

⇓

♪ Greendale, Greendale

#724

⇓

Little star ♪

#725

⇓

Oh.

#726

⇓

I can't--

#727

⇓

Reject.

#728

⇓

I'm a fraud, Annie.

#729

⇓

I'm no more of a songwriter

#730

⇓

than you or Billy Joel.

#731

⇓

But what about

#732

⇓

Oh, yeah, yeah.

#734

⇓

Sure, the whole thing.

#735

⇓

You wanna hear it? Here.

#736

⇓

[PLAYING]

#737

⇓

♪ You'll be wiping off

#738

⇓

♪ Hawthorne Wipes ♪

#740

⇓

♪ You'll be wiping off

#741

⇓

That mustard with our wipes ♪

#742

⇓

♪ At the picnic ♪

#743

⇓

I know. I steal everything.

#746

⇓

You backed the wrong horse.

#747

⇓

Pierce, you're musical.

#749

⇓

You're creative,

#750

⇓

you can do this.

#751

⇓

I believe in you.

#752

⇓

Well, you shouldn't. I quit.

#753

⇓

You listen up, Pierce.

#754

⇓

my mother told me

#756

⇓

when I wanted

#757

⇓

you have no boobs,

#760

⇓

to save your life,

#762

⇓

Pierce.

#765

⇓

Stuff your bra,

#766

⇓

get ready for team bus

#767

⇓

because life is tough.

#769

⇓

But we soldier on,

#770

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#772

⇓

"The way it goes."

#774

⇓

That's it.

#775

⇓

One, two, Luis Guzmán. Oh!

#776

⇓

MAN: All right, Luis.

#778

⇓

PELTON:

#779

⇓

Don't talk to me for a while.

#781

⇓

No problem.

#782

⇓

I'd like to introduce

#784

⇓

who's written Greendale

#786

⇓

its own school song.

#787

⇓

Pierce, okay.

#788

⇓

Thank you, dean, thank you.

#789

⇓

This song goes out to Annie

#790

⇓

for believing in me.

#791

⇓

[PIANO PLAYING

#792

⇓

"THE WAY IT IS"]

#793

⇓

♪ Standing

#794

⇓

In the bookstore line ♪

#795

⇓

♪ Waiting for the bell

#796

⇓

To chime ♪

#797

⇓

♪ So you can go to class ♪

#798

⇓

♪ Taking

#800

⇓

Air conditioner repair ♪

#801

⇓

Yup.

#803

⇓

Not sure.

#807

⇓

Yeah, they got us.

#809

⇓

♪ Some things

#810

⇓

Are still the same ♪

#811

⇓

["THE WAY IT IS" PLAYING]

#814

⇓

[GASPING]

#815

⇓

How many?

#816

⇓

Thirty-six. You win.

#817

⇓

Best of three?

#818

⇓

Yeah.

#819

⇓

Ah...

#820

⇓

[GAGS]

#821

⇓