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Home » Community » S01E05 — Advanced Criminal Law

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Season 1, Episode 5 — Advanced Criminal Law

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Community

Episode title: Advanced Criminal Law

Air date: October 15, 2009

Director: Joe Russo

Top billed cast: Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie, Donald Glover, Yvette Nicole Brown, Danny Pudi

As Pierce volunteers to compose a new school song, a cheating episode in Spanish class leaves Jeff defending Britta before a disciplinary tribunal.

Source: TMDB

↓

reminding you

reminding

↓

that among your school's

among schools

↓

prestigious alumni

alumni

↓

is Mr. Luis Guzmán.

luis

↓

Celebrated actor and model

actor model

↓

Puerto Rican-American.

american puerto puerto-rican rican

↓

This Friday,

friday

↓

we will be dedicating

↓

a statue of Guzmán,

statue

↓

and unveiling

↓

our brand-new school song.

brand school song

↓

but this sure feels like

feels

↓

a real college to me.

college real

↓

Greendale, Greendale,

greendale

↓

Greendale.

greendale

↓

[EXPLOSION OVER SPEAKERS]

explosion speakers

↓

How is student life,

life student

↓

my dry-witted friend?

friend

↓

but less tragic

less tragic

↓

Very dry, very witty,

↓

not a great friend.

friend

↓

Listen, I wanted to ask you

wanted

↓

about that young lady

lady young young-lady

↓

in your Spanish class.

class spanish

↓

You know, the blond

blond

↓

with the pouty,

↓

strident

↓

Cate Blanchett sexuality

sexuality

↓

and the ridiculous name.

name ridiculous

↓

That's it. That's it.

↓

Imagine living with that.

imagine living

↓

Anyway, um,

↓

are you two an item?

item

↓

And if so, would that item

item

↓

be impervious to sabotage?

impervious sabotage

↓

You know, you have

↓

M*A*S*H.

↓

Fawlty Towers, game over.

game towers

↓

Have a nice day.

↓

You think Luis Guzmán

luis

↓

The Cowboy Way,

cowboy

↓

Yeah. Luis Guzmán is on

luis

↓

a private jet from Hollywood

hollywood private

↓

because he can't wait to have

↓

that conversation with you.

conversation

↓

Because he called me

called

↓

on my cell phone.

cell cell-phone phone

↓

call you?

↓

No.

↓

I'm President Obama's nephew.

nephew president

↓

I didn't know

↓

if I could trust you,

trust

↓

but now it's time

↓

to tell you everything.

↓

Starting with me inventing

starting

↓

the Ferrari.

↓

So I guess

↓

the cell phone number

cell cell-phone cell-phone-number number phone phone-number

↓

you put on the study group's

groups study

↓

contact sheet was fake.

contact fake sheet

↓

Which I just learned

learned

↓

in the awkward conclusion

awkward conclusion

↓

of a month-long

month

↓

text-message affair

affair message text

↓

Sorry.

↓

That's okay.

↓

Give me your number.

number

↓

I'll cleanse my palate

cleanse

↓

while Kevin

kevin

↓

rethinks his marriage.

marriage

↓

not to use it in any

↓

Uh-- Pass.

pass

↓

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

spanish speaks

↓

My name's Alex, dude.

alex names

↓

I'm sure you wanna know

↓

how you did.

↓

What is that?

↓

okay? That's all it is.

↓

A tiny piece of paper

paper piece tiny

↓

covered on the test.

covered test

↓

Otherwise known

known otherwise

↓

as a crib sheet.

crib sheet

↓

Who did it, huh?

↓

Mary Ann?

mary

↓

Grandpa?

grandpa

↓

Jackée? Kumar?

↓

that does apply to me.

apply

↓

Whoever did this

↓

insulted my honor.

honor insulted

↓

And they've got 24 hours

hours

↓

to come forward

forward

↓

or Mr. Miyagi here

↓

Except you, Toby.

except toby

↓

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST

least

↓

IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

playing

↓

♪ I should stay ♪

↓

The only difference

difference

↓

is that I know

↓

who Señor Chang is.

chang

↓

You hear him

↓

call me Jackée

↓

like I'm some

↓

black female caricature?

black female

↓

If the good Lord

lord

↓

hadn't been watching,

watching

↓

I'd have slapped him

slapped

↓

upside the head.

head upside

↓

Flattering,

flattering

↓

but if I'm gonna cheat,

cheat

↓

from a book onto paper.

book paper

↓

for God's sake.

gods gods-sake sake

↓

wasn't a real cheater,

cheater real

↓

just insecure and naive.

insecure naive

↓

I may be naive,

naive

↓

but I'm not stupid.

stupid

↓

Well, I may be stupid,

stupid

↓

but I'm not trying

↓

to look like I'm not.

↓

Well, I may be a genius,

genius

↓

but I'm not a lesbian.

lesbian

↓

[SCOFFS]

scoffs

↓

BRITTA:

britta

↓

Who cares who made it?

cares

↓

The only real cheater

cheater real

↓

is the guy

↓

who's threatening

threatening

↓

everyone with a zero.

zero

↓

Ew. No.

↓

Well, I guess that's

↓

your fault, isn't it?

fault

↓

It is?

↓

and songwriter

songwriter

↓

sitting three feet

feet sitting three

↓

away from you.

↓

I wrote the jingle

jingle wrote

↓

I would've done your song

song wouldve

↓

for free.

free

↓

Smooth move, Metamucil.

smooth

↓

Troy invented rap music.

invented music troy

↓

and Obama.

obama

↓

Abed, have you been racist

abed racist

↓

this whole time

whole

↓

at church

church

↓

what a sweet

sweet

↓

Hey man,

↓

wasn't true.

↓

I was just messing.

messing

↓

You were lying?

lying

↓

Yeah, as a joke.

joke

↓

You never had somebody

somebody

↓

mess with you before?

mess

↓

Yes, just kidding.

kidding

↓

No, like that?

↓

This isn't a table.

table

↓

Ha-ha-ha!

↓

That's funny.

funny

↓

Remember when we used

remember used

↓

to study Spanish?

spanish study

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Yo.

↓

I talked to the dean

dean talked

↓

and he said you can write

write

↓

That's more like it.

↓

is this Friday,

friday

↓

so you have to have it

↓

it done by then.

↓

If that's not enough time--

↓

No. You really

↓

Great.

↓

There's a piano

piano

↓

in the rehearsal space

rehearsal space

↓

and I'll help you out

↓

however I can.

↓

I know!

↓

So this is

↓

to be an adult

adult

↓

and face la música

face

↓

No.

↓

You've got 10 seconds,

seconds

↓

starting now.

starting

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

No!

↓

I've never gotten

gotten

↓

a zero before.

zero

↓

Britta?

britta

↓

Wow. You really took

↓

How dare you

dare

↓

terrorize a class

class

↓

It's not easy

easy

↓

to get human beings

beings human human-beings

↓

to turn on each other.

↓

Turn on her.

↓

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

chattering students

↓

God, Britta.

britta

↓

with a cheating,

cheating

↓

lying, poop face.

face lying poop

↓

Okay, time to learn

learn

↓

some formal greetings.

formal greetings

↓

So wow.

↓

Yeah,

↓

I bet you're enjoying this.

enjoying

↓

Yeah, well,

↓

and I was here.

↓

What do you think

↓

they're gonna do to me?

↓

an ice cream.

cream

↓

Hi, Dean Pelton.

dean pelton

↓

Quite an entrance

entrance

↓

I got to make there.

↓

You would be Britta Perry?

britta perry

↓

And I'm afraid Greendale

afraid greendale

↓

takes this kind of thing

takes

↓

very seriously.

↓

Your case will be reviewed

case reviewed

↓

by disciplinary tribunal

↓

tomorrow in Borchart Hall.

hall tomorrow

↓

There is an Olympic-sized

olympic sized

↓

pool there, yes.

pool

↓

But we will be next to it,

↓

using its

using

↓

$6000 judge's table.

judges table

↓

Uh, is she allowed

allowed

↓

to have counsel?

counsel

↓

I mean, I may not be

↓

I'm Alan Dershowitz.

alan

↓

Oh. Okay, ouch.

ouch

↓

If you'd like,

↓

you may represent her.

represent

↓

Dean you later.

dean

↓

I'm not gonna sit

↓

while some hokey tribunal

↓

gets its jollies judging me.

judging

↓

follow my lead,

follow lead

↓

and deny everything,

deny

↓

you'll walk.

walk

↓

I get it.

↓

and send me into fits

fits send

↓

of grateful arousal.

arousal grateful

↓

I can neither confirm

confirm

↓

nor deny that.

deny

↓

See how good I am?

↓

Hey, Troy, did you hear?

troy

↓

All dogs are blue now.

blue dogs

↓

Every single dog in the world

single world

↓

is blue.

blue

↓

[LAUGHS]

laughs

↓

Yeah. I know.

↓

Okay.

↓

Secondly,

secondly

↓

in your face, okay?

face

↓

Yeah?

↓

Okay.

↓

between believable and--

believable

↓

It's a notepad.

↓

It's probably Arabic.

arabic

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

[ABED BABBLING]

abed babbling

↓

this disciplinary tribunal

↓

at our state-of-the-art

state

↓

judge's table.

judges table

↓

Which has its own built-in

built

↓

sound system.

sound system

↓

So take that, Yale.

yale

↓

Dean Craig Pelton.

craig dean pelton

↓

Professor Ian Duncan.

duncan professor

↓

Professor Ben Chang.

chang professor

↓

Uh, no, you're a teacher,

teacher

↓

you're not a professor.

professor

↓

Well, maybe because

↓

Gentlemen, point of order.

gentlemen order point

↓

How can Señor Chang

chang

↓

be one of the judges?

judges

↓

as your drinking buddy.

buddy drinking

↓

DUNCAN:

duncan

↓

Oh, got me.

↓

And I go both ways.

ways

↓

Oh, let's strike that.

strike

↓

LaShonda,

↓

can we please strike that?

strike

↓

I am impartial,

↓

so it should all work out.

↓

Okay, let's begin.

begin

↓

Okay, just keep it

↓

up, Frost/Nixon.

frost nixon

↓

Oh, with great pleasure.

pleasure

↓

It was a Tuesday,

tuesday

↓

uh, crack of dawn, 5:58 a.m.

crack dawn

↓

I got up,

↓

I took my morning deuce.

deuce morning

↓

I made a breakfast

breakfast

↓

consisting of--

consisting

↓

♪ Greendale, Greendale ♪

greendale

↓

♪ Slop pail-- ♪

pail slop

↓

[SIGHS]

sighs

↓

Hi. I'm almost done.

↓

Oh, good.

↓

You can tell the dean

dean

↓

you will have a song

song

↓

that'll make the devil

devil thatll

↓

poop God's pants.

gods pants poop

↓

That's exciting.

exciting

↓

Mind if I hear

mind

↓

Well, yeah, sure, I, uh--

↓

I'll probably open

open

↓

[PLAYS PIANO]

piano plays

↓

You know,

↓

I'm just a little worried.

worried

↓

I keep hearing

hearing

↓

the same two notes.

notes

↓

a Chinese takeout menu.

chinese menu

↓

A musician sees music

music musician sees

↓

in everything, Annie.

annie

↓

I mean, it could be--

↓

♪ Moo shu pork ♪

pork

↓

♪ Squab with lettuce ♪

lettuce

↓

You see?

↓

I mean, it just comes out.

comes

↓

right now.

↓

cosmic womb of creativity.

cosmic creativity womb

↓

And when this baby

baby

↓

starts kicking,

kicking starts

↓

I cannot be responsible

cannot responsible

↓

for your sanity. Ha.

sanity

↓

I know it sounds funny,

funny sounds

↓

[PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

music playing upbeat upbeat-music

↓

You know, like on stage?

stage

↓

Playing you out, okay?

playing

↓

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

continues continues-playing playing

↓

Then she yelled, "Screw you."

screw yelled

↓

Or, "Screw education."

education screw

↓

Or something like that. Then

↓

she stormed out of the room

room stormed

↓

in her high-heel boots

boots heel

↓

like it was tampon time.

tampon

↓

Objection.

objection

↓

Now, are those

↓

the high-heel boots?

boots heel

↓

Are they comfortable?

comfortable

↓

Miss Perry,

miss perry

↓

She confessed.

confessed

↓

She confessed

confessed

↓

to protect her classmates

classmates protect

↓

to flunk everyone.

flunk

↓

Oh. Shut your pompous vortex

pompous

↓

of overlapping fangs.

overlapping

↓

is not on trial.

trial

↓

Well, it certainly--

certainly

↓

that this young lady's

ladys young

↓

only crime

crime

↓

is being a hero

hero

↓

And we're back.

↓

Objection.

objection

↓

My client did not cheat.

cheat client

↓

Yes, I did.

↓

Yes, she did.

↓

But why?

↓

That's the real question,

question real real-question

↓

isn't it?

↓

Five minute recess?

five five-minute minute recess

↓

No, no. There's nothing

↓

in the bylaws

↓

about recesses, all right?

↓

time out.

↓

[ABED BEEPING]

abed beeping

↓

ABED:

abed

↓

Beginning transmission.

beginning transmission

↓

male bonding.

bonding male

↓

5'10" in height--

height

↓

TROY:

troy

↓

What are you doing?

↓

standing there?

standing

↓

Yes.

↓

You got me.

↓

Yeah, you did.

↓

[ABED MAKES BEEPING SOUND]

abed beeping makes sound

↓

I don't like the fact

fact

↓

like you're better than me,

↓

But you shouldn't be.

↓

What are you

↓

doing out there?

↓

You know I have a problem

problem

↓

with dishonesty.

↓

You're on trial for cheating.

cheating trial

↓

Fine. Look, we'll be fine.

↓

I just have go back out there

↓

and make the case

case

↓

that you're a good person.

person

↓

You don't know that.

↓

You said it yourself.

↓

my friend.

friend

↓

Wait a minute, wait.

minute

↓

Is that-- Is that

↓

what you thought I meant?

meant

↓

Britta, look at me.

britta

↓

Look at me.

↓

I am.

↓

No, look how handsome

handsome

↓

my face is.

face

↓

If all I wanted was sex,

wanted

↓

I could get it

↓

from plenty of women

plenty women

↓

without having

having

↓

to go through all this crap.

↓

I'm here because I like you.

↓

And I'd-- I'd be psyched

psyched

↓

to be your friend.

friend

↓

I didn't wanna take sex

↓

off the table

table

↓

without doing

↓

my due diligence.

↓

Well, why wouldn't you?

↓

I don't know. I guess

↓

on the floor

floor

↓

because I wanted

wanted

↓

to get caught at it.

caught

↓

I'm so used to

used

↓

it over with.

↓

Wait.

↓

I think we have our defense.

defense

↓

What?

↓

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

indistinctly murmuring

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Gentlemen,

gentlemen

↓

I'm sure you suspected

suspected

↓

before the recess.

recess

↓

But if you could've heard

couldve heard

↓

all the stuff

stuff

↓

you would realize

realize

↓

she is all the way out

↓

of her entire damn mind.

entire mind

↓

because she doesn't think

↓

she can.

↓

So she goes out of her way

↓

to fail.

fail

↓

That's crazy.

crazy

↓

But do we really

↓

wanna make it a crime

crime

↓

to be crazy at Greendale?

crazy greendale

↓

I mean, look at us.

↓

about status

status

↓

schools make fun of.

fun schools

↓

Dean, you want so bad

dean

↓

of electrocution.

↓

is nuts.

nuts

↓

Oh, come on, Leonard.

leonard

↓

put on a bathing suit.

bathing bathing-suit suit

↓

Busted.

busted

↓

[LAUGHS]

laughs

↓

If you wanna rehabilitate

rehabilitate

↓

your fellow inmate,

fellow inmate

↓

you need to sentence her

sentence

↓

to staying here with us.

staying

↓

Because if crazy people

crazy

↓

can't be at Greendale,

greendale

↓

[SNIFFS]

sniffs

↓

psychological counseling

counseling psychological

↓

BOTH: Aye.

↓

Wait. What?

↓

That just happened.

happened

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

[MAN BABBLING]

babbling

↓

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:

speaker

↓

Greetings, Abed.

abed greetings

↓

Greetings, commander.

commander greetings

↓

Tell me about

↓

the one they call Troy.

troy

↓

Well, he is rather arrogant

arrogant

↓

and has no mercy

mercy

↓

for weaker beings.

beings weaker

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

I'm not an alien.

alien

↓

[LAUGHS]

laughs

↓

I never thought you were.

↓

But this is insane, okay?

insane

↓

Those are credible

credible

↓

alien hand movements.

alien hand movements

↓

I'm pretty sure

↓

you rented a green screen.

green rented screen

↓

It would be less creepy

creepy less

↓

if you were

↓

actually an alien.

alien

↓

No. It--

↓

From now on, Abed,

abed

↓

friends don't mess

friends mess

↓

with each other.

↓

Cool, cool. Bang-bang.

bang bang-bang cool cool-cool

↓

[BABBLING]

babbling

↓

He knows.

knows

↓

[WHIMPERING]

whimpering

↓

You're getting

↓

a little sloppy.

sloppy

↓

I've got it.

↓

[PLAYING]

playing

↓

♪ Greendale, Greendale

greendale

↓

Little star ♪

star

↓

Oh.

↓

I can't--

↓

Reject.

reject

↓

I'm a fraud, Annie.

annie fraud

↓

I'm no more of a songwriter

songwriter

↓

than you or Billy Joel.

billy billy-joel joel

↓

But what about

↓

Oh, yeah, yeah.

↓

Sure, the whole thing.

whole

↓

You wanna hear it? Here.

↓

[PLAYING]

playing

↓

♪ You'll be wiping off

wiping

↓

♪ Hawthorne Wipes ♪

hawthorne wipes

↓

♪ You'll be wiping off

wiping

↓

That mustard with our wipes ♪

mustard wipes

↓

♪ At the picnic ♪

picnic

↓

I know. I steal everything.

steal

↓

You backed the wrong horse.

backed horse

↓

Pierce, you're musical.

musical pierce

↓

You're creative,

creative

↓

you can do this.

↓

I believe in you.

believe

↓

Well, you shouldn't. I quit.

quit

↓

You listen up, Pierce.

pierce

↓

my mother told me

mother

↓

when I wanted

wanted

↓

you have no boobs,

boobs

↓

to save your life,

life save

↓

Pierce.

pierce

↓

Stuff your bra,

stuff

↓

get ready for team bus

ready team

↓

because life is tough.

life tough

↓

But we soldier on,

soldier

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

"The way it goes."

↓

That's it.

↓

One, two, Luis Guzmán. Oh!

luis

↓

MAN: All right, Luis.

luis

↓

PELTON:

pelton

↓

Don't talk to me for a while.

↓

No problem.

problem

↓

I'd like to introduce

introduce

↓

who's written Greendale

greendale written

↓

its own school song.

school song

↓

Pierce, okay.

pierce

↓

Thank you, dean, thank you.

dean

↓

This song goes out to Annie

annie song

↓

for believing in me.

believing

↓

[PIANO PLAYING

piano piano-playing playing

↓

"THE WAY IT IS"]

↓

♪ Standing

standing

↓

In the bookstore line ♪

bookstore line

↓

♪ Waiting for the bell

bell waiting

↓

To chime ♪

chime

↓

♪ So you can go to class ♪

class

↓

♪ Taking

↓

Air conditioner repair ♪

conditioner repair

↓

Yup.

↓

Not sure.

↓

Yeah, they got us.

↓

♪ Some things

↓

Are still the same ♪

↓

["THE WAY IT IS" PLAYING]

playing

↓

[GASPING]

gasping

↓

How many?

↓

Thirty-six. You win.

thirty

↓

Best of three?

best three

↓

Yeah.

↓

Ah...

↓

[GAGS]

gags