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Season 1, Episode 6 — Football, Feminism, and You

A small, fading remnant

#1

⇓

of a star.

#2

⇓

That's right.

#4

⇓

Dwarves hate

#6

⇓

And what does a star turn

#9

⇓

into after it collapses?

#10

⇓

A movie of the week.

#11

⇓

Right.

#13

⇓

Troy,

#14

⇓

you could be an astronomer.

#15

⇓

worth studying.

#17

⇓

It's called Sagittarius A.

#18

⇓

It's located in the center

#19

⇓

of our galaxy,

#20

⇓

and it has the density

#21

⇓

of 40 suns.

#22

⇓

Poo-poo head.

#29

⇓

Hi, everybody. Ha, ha.

#30

⇓

Well, look at this group.

#31

⇓

and being so diverse.

#33

⇓

There is just-- Boy--

#34

⇓

There is just one of

#35

⇓

Uh, Pierce, that's the dean.

#39

⇓

You kidding?

#40

⇓

Sorry. Just my luck.

#41

⇓

Don't let me interrupt.

#42

⇓

Sometimes,

#43

⇓

I just roll around campus

#44

⇓

like a little football.

#45

⇓

I can't believe this.

#46

⇓

Here I am in a random

#47

⇓

star quarterback

#50

⇓

has a football team?

#53

⇓

Did you know

#54

⇓

they had a football?

#55

⇓

Ah. Heh. Good.

#56

⇓

That's very funny.

#57

⇓

Troy, I was so sorry to hear

#58

⇓

about your injury,

#59

⇓

but now

#60

⇓

that you have recovered,

#61

⇓

we would love for you to play

#62

⇓

for the Human Beings.

#63

⇓

The team's name

#64

⇓

is the Human Beings?

#65

⇓

Grizzlies, but I thought--

#67

⇓

A lot of these students

#69

⇓

have been called animals.

#70

⇓

in image management,

#75

⇓

Ooh. Well,

#78

⇓

aren't you found money.

#79

⇓

Troy, all of your friends

#80

⇓

are lining up

#81

⇓

to turn Greendale around.

#82

⇓

How about you?

#83

⇓

in football.

#86

⇓

Getting injured was the best

#87

⇓

thing that ever happened.

#88

⇓

Whoa. Yoko Ono much?

#89

⇓

[DEAN LAUGHING]

#90

⇓

Bros before ho's, Troy.

#91

⇓

Dean, I'm sure Troy

#97

⇓

will sign up for football,

#98

⇓

if and when

#99

⇓

some accident damages

#100

⇓

the part of his brain

#101

⇓

that feels pride.

#102

⇓

Until then, excuse us.

#103

⇓

If you change your mind,

#104

⇓

the field is always open.

#105

⇓

Figuratively speaking.

#106

⇓

Wednesdays and Sundays

#107

⇓

for the megachurch. Okay.

#109

⇓

Now let's meet

#110

⇓

the minimum requirements

#111

⇓

for a language credit.

#112

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#118

⇓

What? She's offended?

#119

⇓

Girls go in groups.

#120

⇓

Did you learn nothing

#121

⇓

I'll go next time.

#125

⇓

mainstream feminine stuff.

#127

⇓

Then you should know

#128

⇓

nothing says,

#129

⇓

"I'm a woman"

#130

⇓

like doing it with me.

#131

⇓

Nothing says,

#132

⇓

Will they or won't they?

#134

⇓

Sexual tension.

#135

⇓

It makes the group

#136

⇓

That's sort of my gimmick.

#139

⇓

But we did lean

#140

⇓

[THE 88'S "AT LEAST

#143

⇓

IT WAS HERE" PLAYING]

#144

⇓

♪ I can't count

#145

⇓

The reasons I should stay ♪

#146

⇓

JEFF:

#147

⇓

on the team?

#149

⇓

It looks like

#150

⇓

they won something once.

#151

⇓

"Most Valued Customer,

#152

⇓

Henderson Trophy Cases."

#153

⇓

So we should still study

#154

⇓

or some Mars bars.

#157

⇓

Or pancakes.

#158

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JEFF:

#159

⇓

"I'm Jeff and I'm a student

#160

⇓

at Greendale"?

#161

⇓

Well, that's not good.

#162

⇓

WOMAN:

#163

⇓

because it reacts

#165

⇓

spontaneously to--

#166

⇓

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

#167

⇓

Seriously.

#168

⇓

We've talked about this.

#169

⇓

your cell ph--

#171

⇓

That's mine. My bad.

#172

⇓

[WHISPERING]

#173

⇓

I'm going to the bathroom.

#174

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Well, yes. Yes, I would.

#176

⇓

Oh, that's nice.

#177

⇓

Okay, what's it called?

#178

⇓

Antoni--? Hold on.

#179

⇓

Does anybody have a pen?

#180

⇓

A pen?

#181

⇓

No one has a pen.

#182

⇓

to class?

#184

⇓

Ha-ha-ha.

#186

⇓

loser swooped in.

#191

⇓

I couldn't believe it.

#192

⇓

BRITTA:

#193

⇓

Maybe he didn't see you.

#194

⇓

on too.

#196

⇓

Maybe.

#198

⇓

BRITTA:

#200

⇓

Yeah. Whatever.

#201

⇓

My mom

#202

⇓

might visit this weekend.

#203

⇓

She and I are gonna

#204

⇓

get makeovers--

#205

⇓

Makeovers. They sure

#206

⇓

Something

#211

⇓

I thought might be fun.

#212

⇓

might be fun.

#214

⇓

Let's find the number of

#215

⇓

It's zero.

#218

⇓

Thanks for offering

#230

⇓

Heh. That's no problem.

#233

⇓

I took the liberty

#234

⇓

of thumbnailing a prototype,

#235

⇓

uh, which I modeled

#236

⇓

The penis is a little small.

#239

⇓

Oh, okay.

#240

⇓

you know,

#244

⇓

what message are we sending?

#247

⇓

Our symbol needs

#248

⇓

the diversity of our school

#249

⇓

So black?

#251

⇓

No, because we're not

#252

⇓

the Greendale Blacks

#253

⇓

or the Greendale Asians,

#254

⇓

we are

#255

⇓

the Greendale Human Beings.

#256

⇓

Yeah.

#258

⇓

Uh-- Absolutely.

#264

⇓

[GASPS]

#267

⇓

Whoa-oh.

#268

⇓

Ah. Good, a pencil.

#269

⇓

Oh, well,

#271

⇓

you're a very photogenic man.

#272

⇓

Is that real bed head,

#273

⇓

or do you put something

#274

⇓

in there? Can I?

#275

⇓

and I thought,

#279

⇓

The soul?

#281

⇓

poster design?"

#283

⇓

Those were

#284

⇓

less than personable.

#285

⇓

Which is why I went

#286

⇓

with the full bodies

#287

⇓

in these mailers

#288

⇓

we have going out.

#289

⇓

Ta-ta-ta.

#290

⇓

Did you not read

#293

⇓

the release agreement

#294

⇓

on the back

#295

⇓

of your registration?

#296

⇓

I'm starting to see why

#297

⇓

someone used to be a lawyer.

#298

⇓

Look, if someone

#299

⇓

at a community college,

#304

⇓

Oh.

#308

⇓

Goodness. Look what

#309

⇓

we have stumbled onto.

#310

⇓

An opportunity to help

#311

⇓

each other out.

#312

⇓

I suppose I wouldn't need

#313

⇓

this promotional campaign

#314

⇓

if I could announce

#315

⇓

to the press

#316

⇓

that Troy Barnes

#317

⇓

is playing football here.

#318

⇓

He's been pretty clear

#319

⇓

If you said jump,

#321

⇓

he'd say, "How high?"

#322

⇓

If you said stop,

#323

⇓

he'd say "Hammer time."

#324

⇓

You get what I mean? Hmm?

#325

⇓

You know,

#327

⇓

I didn't realize before,

#328

⇓

but we should send those out

#329

⇓

to local businesses.

#330

⇓

Law firms, lawyer companies,

#331

⇓

legal gatherings.

#332

⇓

I think so.

#334

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#338

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#341

⇓

Oh, hi, Abed.

#342

⇓

Bye. He's just laying low.

#344

⇓

to the bathroom?

#346

⇓

You know what? I'm good.

#349

⇓

had to go number two.

#351

⇓

Okay, what's

#352

⇓

Ha-ha-ha.

#355

⇓

but it shows

#357

⇓

Can I talk to you for a sec?

#359

⇓

The galaxy's

#362

⇓

not going anywhere.

#363

⇓

I'll bring him back.

#364

⇓

JEFF:

#365

⇓

at something.

#368

⇓

TROY:

#370

⇓

After the dean talked

#374

⇓

to you about football,

#375

⇓

you and I were thinking

#376

⇓

the same thing.

#377

⇓

We were thinking,

#379

⇓

what if Troy did play?

#380

⇓

You'd be surprised

#381

⇓

at how many of

#382

⇓

your favorite players

#383

⇓

got started

#384

⇓

at community college.

#385

⇓

Really? Name one.

#386

⇓

Me. Whoa.

#388

⇓

Maybe you

#389

⇓

and I should go

#390

⇓

check out

#391

⇓

the Greendale Thunderdome.

#392

⇓

[IMITATES CROWD CHEERING]

#393

⇓

The dome arrives later.

#395

⇓

It comes with thunder.

#396

⇓

about me.

#398

⇓

Every day,

#399

⇓

on my way to school,

#400

⇓

I drive through downtown,

#401

⇓

past the courthouse,

#402

⇓

just to get a glimpse

#403

⇓

of the world I once ruled.

#404

⇓

And I just wanna jump out

#405

⇓

of my car,

#406

⇓

run up the steps and exploit

#407

⇓

the legal system for profit.

#408

⇓

But I can't. I'm locked out

#409

⇓

of my old kingdom.

#410

⇓

You're not.

#411

⇓

You see what I'm saying?

#412

⇓

You're saying

#413

⇓

I'm saying

#415

⇓

you're a football player.

#416

⇓

That's racist.

#418

⇓

That's racist.

#420

⇓

That's gay?

#422

⇓

That's black.

#424

⇓

Damn.

#426

⇓

When you played,

#427

⇓

you were a god.

#428

⇓

You're not playing

#429

⇓

and you're not.

#430

⇓

I'd tell you do the math,

#431

⇓

but math isn't important.

#432

⇓

The only thing

#433

⇓

important is this.

#434

⇓

Annie said Benjamin Button

#436

⇓

was compelling.

#437

⇓

A smart girl, but

#438

⇓

sometimes she's just wrong.

#439

⇓

Eighty-five, go long.

#440

⇓

It's like a drug, isn't it?

#441

⇓

Feel it, Troy. Throw it!

#442

⇓

The scoreboard lights up.

#443

⇓

There will be

#444

⇓

a scoreboard there.

#445

⇓

It's complete. Nice catch.

#446

⇓

The girls, the glory,

#447

⇓

the scouts, the career.

#448

⇓

It starts

#449

⇓

when you join this team.

#450

⇓

You can meet them later,

#453

⇓

but this decision

#454

⇓

has to be yours, T-Bone.

#455

⇓

And this decision

#456

⇓

has to be yes.

#457

⇓

How did you know

#458

⇓

You're a football player

#460

⇓

and your name begins with T.

#461

⇓

Your name begins with T.

#462

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#463

⇓

Britta?

#464

⇓

Oh, are you finished?

#465

⇓

I have to go, but apparently,

#466

⇓

I failed yesterday's tryouts

#467

⇓

for the position

#468

⇓

of bathroom companion.

#469

⇓

I wasn't trying

#470

⇓

You didn't hurt

#472

⇓

my feelings, Shirley.

#473

⇓

I don't need to go

#474

⇓

with other people.

#475

⇓

I was just trying

#476

⇓

to throw you a bone

#477

⇓

the stranger's side?

#483

⇓

because we want makeovers.

#487

⇓

I even like that

#493

⇓

Women have always hated me.

#499

⇓

I don't even know

#500

⇓

how it started.

#501

⇓

Maybe it was when I got boobs

#502

⇓

before everybody--

#503

⇓

Shh.

#504

⇓

Whoo! Ha, ha.

#507

⇓

You dropped your books,

#509

⇓

Poindexter. Heh-heh-heh.

#510

⇓

It's all right. I'm worth it.

#513

⇓

♪ Riverside got the broom

#515

⇓

Don't need a mop ♪

#516

⇓

♪ Put your team in a box

#517

⇓

A ribbon on top ♪

#518

⇓

♪ Not John Kerry

#519

⇓

We don't flip flop ♪

#520

⇓

♪ Say, ho ♪

#522

⇓

why are you doing

#523

⇓

been playing football?

#526

⇓

Threw the skin around.

#527

⇓

I still got it.

#528

⇓

Uhn, uhn, uhn. Doosh! Uhn.

#529

⇓

But you knew we had

#530

⇓

Class blows.

#532

⇓

What I need to know

#533

⇓

about the universe

#534

⇓

is I'm at the center

#535

⇓

of it.

#536

⇓

♪ Oh

#537

⇓

Bing, bong, sing along ♪

#538

⇓

♪ Your team's Al Gore

#539

⇓

Your views are wrong ♪

#540

⇓

Don't become

#542

⇓

ignored the only people

#547

⇓

that liked him

#548

⇓

because

#551

⇓

Jeff said you'd say that.

#555

⇓

Jeff-- What now?

#556

⇓

Troy. Troy, Troy, Troy.

#557

⇓

That's my name.

#558

⇓

I think if we add in a little

#559

⇓

bit of Phylicia Rashad,

#560

⇓

Right.

#562

⇓

That beige is light.

#563

⇓

Um-- Wow.

#564

⇓

Yeah, yeah.

#565

⇓

We are developing

#566

⇓

the perfect mascot.

#567

⇓

No stereotypical identifiers

#568

⇓

from any race or gender.

#569

⇓

we're staying away from.

#571

⇓

Pan-Asian eye folds, uh,

#572

⇓

It goes from Seal

#576

⇓

to Seal's teeth.

#577

⇓

JEFF:

#579

⇓

I think

#580

⇓

not being racist

#581

⇓

is the new racism.

#582

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#583

⇓

Ooh, I left the nose

#585

⇓

in the kiln.

#586

⇓

Which means

#591

⇓

I'll be getting rid of these.

#592

⇓

I want him

#597

⇓

the new mascot

#601

⇓

and things are finally

#602

⇓

Ooh. Ow.

#608

⇓

I'm gonna get

#609

⇓

some more coffee.

#610

⇓

A Desmond Tutu

#612

⇓

with enough cream to make

#613

⇓

a Lou Diamond Phillips.

#614

⇓

La Bamba. Got it.

#615

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#616

⇓

I've been following you.

#619

⇓

How much did the dean

#620

⇓

pay you to make Troy play?

#621

⇓

with someone

#623

⇓

Because I'm right?

#625

⇓

Because I'm not in

#626

⇓

of me.

#629

⇓

For that,

#632

⇓

you've convinced Troy

#633

⇓

to flush his life down

#634

⇓

football's toilet again?

#635

⇓

Britta's right. You are

#636

⇓

the most selfish person.

#637

⇓

All that is gonna end now.

#638

⇓

I'm telling him what kind

#639

⇓

of friend you are.

#640

⇓

in love with him.

#642

⇓

High school

#643

⇓

to notice you.

#646

⇓

or were you worried

#651

⇓

what he wants,

#658

⇓

Because, really,

#661

⇓

You're right.

#665

⇓

I could never be

#666

⇓

as good as you.

#667

⇓

Probably,

#668

⇓

because I actually care.

#669

⇓

Profound,

#670

⇓

because it won't happen.

#675

⇓

Yeah.

#676

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#677

⇓

[WHISPERS]:

#678

⇓

Damn it.

#679

⇓

to the bathroom with me?

#681

⇓

But, uh,

#684

⇓

on ourselves for men?

#687

⇓

I don't know, sweetie.

#688

⇓

Maybe it's because men

#689

⇓

make the world go around?

#690

⇓

Kleenex?

#691

⇓

of the litter,

#696

⇓

and I'll never

#697

⇓

Oh, Annie, screw him.

#699

⇓

There are guys out there

#700

⇓

If Troy isn't one of them,

#702

⇓

that's him failing

#703

⇓

your standards. You got that?

#704

⇓

You're right.

#705

⇓

I wouldn't want to.

#708

⇓

Britta.

#710

⇓

Yes.

#713

⇓

[ALL GIGGLE]

#715

⇓

I did it. I did it.

#717

⇓

Oh, yes, you did.

#718

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#719

⇓

[CHANTING IN DISTANCE]

#720

⇓

Human Beings.

#723

⇓

Troy. Troy.

#725

⇓

What?

#727

⇓

to get in high school.

#729

⇓

and depression

#731

⇓

of that door.

#733

⇓

Is this your first

#734

⇓

pep rally or something?

#735

⇓

You told me football was

#736

⇓

the most important thing.

#737

⇓

It's kind of my gimmick.

#739

⇓

No, let me.

#741

⇓

That keg flip

#742

⇓

that cost me my scholarship?

#743

⇓

What?

#746

⇓

There was a scout coming

#747

⇓

to the final game,

#748

⇓

and I couldn't take

#749

⇓

the pressure.

#750

⇓

So I took the easy way out.

#751

⇓

When you showed me

#752

⇓

that field,

#753

⇓

I saw there was nothing

#754

⇓

to worry about.

#755

⇓

I could play football

#756

⇓

for fun.

#757

⇓

Have you seen these guys?

#758

⇓

Dude, we have feelings.

#760

⇓

I don't know about you,

#761

⇓

but I know I ended up here

#762

⇓

because things

#763

⇓

weren't that great out there.

#764

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#765

⇓

Try accepting

#766

⇓

where you're at, man.

#767

⇓

Take a pottery class

#768

⇓

or something.

#769

⇓

Nancy Pelosi is no fun ♪

#772

⇓

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS

#773

⇓

INDISTINCTLY ON MIC]

#774

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#775

⇓

Hey.

#777

⇓

Look, I'm, uh--

#781

⇓

Really?

#784

⇓

Hmm. Okay, maybe I was

#787

⇓

a little more wrong.

#788

⇓

I should grow up

#789

⇓

It's not like Greendale

#791

⇓

is gonna kill me.

#792

⇓

[SCREAMS]

#794

⇓

for him to see.

#799

⇓

[MASCOT GRUNTING]

#800

⇓

But take it from me,

#802

⇓

that's human for "hello."

#803

⇓

Let's get you

#804

⇓

into the pep rally.

#805

⇓

We've solved racism.

#808

⇓

What's next?

#809

⇓

Let's do something

#811

⇓

PIERCE:

#813

⇓

How about little albinos?

#814

⇓

Has the potential to be

#815

⇓

♪ Please, please ♪

#818

⇓

♪ Please, do not go ♪

#820

⇓

♪ Please, please, please

#821

⇓

Do not go ♪

#822

⇓

Do not go ♪

#824

⇓

Here at Greendale.

#827

⇓

Greendale.

#828

⇓

BOTH:

#829

⇓

Say what?

#830

⇓

A few quick announcements.

#831

⇓

Number one.

#832

⇓

starting right now.

#834

⇓

butt soup.

#836

⇓

Announcement number three,

#837

⇓

I am not Hadji

#838

⇓

On security, you gotta

#840

⇓

MAN:

#843

⇓

Hey.

#844

⇓