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Home » Community » S01E07 — Introduction to Statistics

Community

Season 1, Episode 7 — Introduction to Statistics

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Community

Episode title: Introduction to Statistics

Air date: October 29, 2009

Director: Justin Lin

Top billed cast: Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie, Donald Glover, Yvette Nicole Brown, Danny Pudi

Jeff sets his sights on an attractive professor, and Annie looks to boost her social standing by hosting a Day of the Dead party.

Source: TMDB

↓

As you know,

↓

all faculty at Greendale

faculty greendale

↓

are required to give

required

↓

extra credit

credit extra extra-credit

↓

to students who organize

students

↓

No student

student

↓

in any department

department

↓

until now.

↓

[CHUCKLES]

chuckles

↓

Tonight, in the library,

library tonight

↓

I will be hosting

↓

Día de los Muertos,

↓

or Day of the Dead,

dead

↓

is sometimes referred to

referred sometimes

↓

as Mexican Halloween.

halloween mexican

↓

to people

↓

as a sexual position.

position sexual

↓

you get extra credit.

credit extra extra-credit

↓

See you tonight.

tonight

↓

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

spanish speaking

↓

Um...

↓

Most of you responded

responded

↓

to my e-vite,

↓

but some of you

↓

remain evasive, so...

remain

↓

Count me in.

count

↓

I got some tequila,

tequila

↓

the Rise of Taj, and look.

rise

↓

My husband's been gone

gone husbands

↓

for six months.

months

↓

I think it's time for me

↓

to embrace being single.

embrace single

↓

Message received.

message message-received received

↓

I'm waiting to hear

waiting

↓

from Jeff and Pierce.

jeff pierce

↓

Access e-mail.

access mail

↓

You're not going

↓

to Annie's party?

annies party

↓

Oh, it conflicts

conflicts

↓

It's like I'm my mother.

mother

↓

VOICE [ON PHONE]:

phone voice

↓

Calling mother.

calling mother

↓

What?

↓

Speaking of enjoying life,

enjoying life speaking

↓

I don't wanna beat

beat

↓

a dead horse,

dead horse

↓

anything non-platonic

platonic

↓

I'm sure.

↓

Good. One of my professors

↓

is really hot.

↓

And I wanted to give you

wanted

↓

first right of refusal.

↓

WOMAN [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]:

speakerphone woman

↓

Hello? Pierce?

pierce

↓

How's school going?

school

↓

Are you popular?

popular

↓

right now.

↓

[STAMMERING]

stammering

↓

Wrong number.

number

↓

Has that boy Jeff

jeff

↓

stopped teasing you?

stopped teasing

↓

[THUDDING]

thudding

↓

I saw your father's ghost

fathers ghost

↓

again.

↓

He's still angry.

angry

↓

PLAYING]

playing

↓

♪ Give me some more

↓

Time in a dream ♪

dream

↓

♪ Give me the hope

hope

↓

To run out of steam ♪

steam

↓

♪ Somebody said

somebody

↓

It can be here ♪

↓

♪ We could be roped up

roped

↓

Tied up dead in a year ♪

dead tied

↓

♪ I can't count the reasons

count reasons

↓

I should stay ♪

↓

♪ One by one they all

↓

Just fade away ♪

fade

↓

The Bernoulli Distribution

distribution

↓

is the number of successes

number

↓

in a sequence of

sequence

↓

Okay. For the quiz, Monday

monday quiz

↓

Bernoulli's one of

↓

my favorites.

favorites

↓

were not his only love.

love

↓

used on meat and poultry.

meat used

↓

That's béarnaise.

↓

We may need to settle this

settle

↓

at a restaurant.

restaurant

↓

That's cute.

cute

↓

A little aggressive.

aggressive

↓

But as a busy,

busy

↓

I'm attracted to men

attracted

↓

who take charge.

charge

↓

Are you being sarcastic

sarcastic

↓

or am I nailing it?

nailing

↓

You were nailing it

nailing

↓

until you had to ask.

↓

Oh, damn it.

↓

Starting over.

starting

↓

I'd like to, Mr. Winger.

winger

↓

to know I'd never feel

↓

Thank you.

↓

Only problem,

problem

↓

I don't date students.

date students

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

Oh. Hey. Awkward.

awkward

↓

How small is this campus?

campus

↓

Bastard.

bastard

↓

It's disgusting

disgusting

↓

the way men behave.

behave

↓

Heigl movie poster,

movie poster

↓

where Gerard Butler

butler

↓

I don't care what Jeff does.

care jeff

↓

I'm barely a student.

barely student

↓

I'm older than you,

older

↓

I drive a Lexus.

drive lexus

↓

It's uncanny

uncanny

↓

how many of my buttons

buttons

↓

you're finding,

finding

↓

but I have a personal rule

personal rule

↓

about this and I stick to it.

stick

↓

I can change your mind.

change mind

↓

I know you can.

↓

That's why you're not

↓

getting the chance.

chance

↓

Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.

↓

Are you coming to my party?

coming party

↓

I'm definitely gonna try

↓

to swing by.

swing

↓

Then I can mark you down

mark

↓

as definitely being there

↓

from 7:00 sharp

sharp

↓

until question mark?

mark question question-mark

↓

do you understand?

↓

I am being assertive,

assertive

↓

Are you trying to get

↓

formidable with me?

formidable

↓

Infomercials work on Pierce.

pierce

↓

If you show up, it will be

↓

the first party I host

host party

↓

where everyone doesn't say

↓

for the news.

news

↓

This won't work.

↓

The last time you did this,

↓

I saved a vial of your tears.

saved tears vial

↓

And I've been slowly

slowly

↓

building up an immunity.

building immunity

↓

I was so unpopular

unpopular

↓

in high school,

school

↓

the crossing guard

crossing guard

↓

at being hip, cool,

cool

↓

laid-back.

laid

↓

Thank you.

↓

I'm putting you down

putting

↓

for two bags of ice

bags

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Taking a pill?

pill

↓

"Xenolovaden."

↓

Fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Heard stories about it.

heard stories

↓

with no pants on,

pants

↓

which in the Gaza Strip

gaza strip

↓

be careful.

careful

↓

Look, I really don't need

↓

your advice,

advice

↓

and I'm not your pantsless

↓

grandpa.

grandpa

↓

"Pantsless grandpa."

grandpa

↓

[LAUGHS]

laughs

↓

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING

folk music music-playing playing

↓

OVER SPEAKERS]

speakers

↓

ANNIE:

annie

↓

Scary.

scary

↓

You look great.

↓

Hi.

↓

Britta,

britta

↓

Thank you.

↓

as an excuse

excuse

↓

to dress up like sluts,

dress sluts

↓

you know?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Okay, everyone.

↓

I think we can begin.

begin

↓

I've got everyone's

everyones

↓

por tradición.

↓

And, in a few minutes

minutes

↓

we're going to start

start

↓

the Dance of the Dead,

dance dead

↓

La Danza de los Muertos.

↓

You don't have to keep

↓

doing that.

↓

Party on.

party

↓

Nice of you to be here,

↓

with your hot professor.

professor

↓

It's funny.

funny

↓

CHANG:

chang

↓

Professor Slater?

professor

↓

She's not grading papers.

grading papers

↓

Oh, look.

↓

Are you saying

↓

my people are sneaky?

sneaky

↓

What?

↓

on the horizon.

horizon

↓

Hey. Can I ask you something

↓

I always wanted to ask

wanted

↓

Yeah.

↓

Am I good-looking?

looking

↓

young man.

young

↓

I knew it.

↓

I am the Beastmaster.

↓

What rock

rock

↓

What are you going as?

↓

A gay douche bag?

douche

↓

Nice one.

↓

You're not much of

↓

Oh. Body blow.

blow body

↓

Is that liquor?

liquor

↓

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]

accent english

↓

Hello.

↓

Here's your drinks, mates.

drinks mates

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

normal normal-voice voice

↓

I'm Harry Potter.

harry harry-potter potter

↓

What up, Urkel?

urkel

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

[TOILET FLUSHES]

flushes toilet toilet-flushes

↓

Oh!

↓

All right.

↓

What are you taking?

↓

Huh? Oh.

↓

You know,

↓

the usual cool stuff.

cool cool-stuff stuff usual

↓

I've got 'ludes, dreamers,

↓

Johnny Boys.

boys johnny

↓

I don't know,

↓

Star-Burns, I'm--

burns star

↓

with the Beastmaster.

↓

Hey. Who said you weren't?

↓

Saddle up, fruit pie.

fruit saddle

↓

May I?

↓

Here, take this.

↓

Give anyone that shows up

shows

↓

their stupid credit.

credit stupid

↓

Make me your plus one.

plus

↓

Give it up, Winger.

winger

↓

Professor Slater

professor

↓

doesn't date students.

date students

↓

Or married Asians

asians married

↓

who drive mopeds.

drive

↓

I'll give you 20 bucks.

bucks

↓

I'll bring the hog around.

bring

↓

Okay, it's time

↓

for the Dance of the Dead.

dance dead

↓

Everyone form a circle.

circle form

↓

Lights. Music.

lights music

↓

Is it under genre

genre

↓

Hey, man,

↓

What did you slip me, man?

slip

↓

My heart stopped racing

heart racing stopped

↓

and I can't pee.

↓

Now, for the first dance,

dance

↓

Jeff Winger?

jeff jeff-winger winger

↓

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING

folk music music-playing playing

↓

OVER SPEAKERS]

speakers

↓

Jeff?

jeff

↓

Where's Jeff?

jeff

↓

Please slow down.

slow

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

Watch it!

watch

↓

Is Jeff gone?

gone jeff

↓

You know, I'm gonna go.

↓

News.

news

↓

He just stepped out.

stepped

↓

He's going to

↓

the faculty party.

faculty party

↓

No, it's not about her,

↓

Shirley.

shirley

↓

I can't believe that Jeff

believe jeff

↓

would do this to Annie.

annie

↓

Yes, absolutely,

absolutely

↓

it's about Annie.

annie

↓

We should go find

↓

that bitch's car

↓

and snap off her antenna.

snap

↓

It's like high school

school

↓

all over again.

↓

Everyone's leaving.

everyones leaving

↓

Not me.

↓

I love you.

love

↓

[CHATTERING]

chattering

↓

[BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYING

band music music-playing playing

↓

OVER SPEAKERS]

speakers

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

I have to admit,

admit

↓

I may or may not

↓

have been deflowered

↓

by a junior rodeo champion.

champion junior rodeo

↓

You remind me

remind

↓

of my first time too.

↓

You lost your virginity

lost virginity

↓

to Robin Hood?

hood robin

↓

at a party.

party

↓

We seem destined

destined

↓

to repeat history.

history repeat

↓

I told you, no students.

students

↓

It's unseemly.

↓

I go out with you,

↓

you tell your friends.

friends

↓

What friends?

friends

↓

I have no friends.

friends

↓

I hate everyone here

hate

↓

but you.

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

You should be over

↓

at the library with Annie.

annie library

↓

a costume guy.

costume

↓

Had to have one to get in,

↓

squirrel.

squirrel

↓

I don't know

↓

what you're getting at.

↓

And it is tight too.

tight

↓

I'd say yes.

↓

Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.

michelle

↓

Britta Perry, GED.

britta perry

↓

Oh, are you a classmate

classmate

↓

of Jeff's?

jeffs

↓

When you say classmate,

classmate

↓

it sounds like

sounds

↓

we take naps together

↓

and eat paste.

paste

↓

What's great about

↓

community college is

college community community-college

↓

is that a lot of the students

students

↓

Jeff, you must return

jeff must return

↓

to Annie's party.

annies party

↓

She's feeling unpopular.

feeling unpopular

↓

and he is tripping balls.

balls tripping

↓

He's touching people

touching

↓

and dancing weird.

dancing weird

↓

It's like Grumpy Old Men,

grumpy

↓

but not hilarious.

hilarious

↓

You're all being unseemly.

↓

Why is Urkel ripping

ripping urkel

↓

the antenna

↓

off Professor Slater's car?

professor

↓

[CROWD GASPS]

crowd crowd-gasps gasps

↓

That's right,

↓

you steal Jeff

jeff steal

↓

from a good woman.

woman

↓

[CROWD GASPS]

crowd crowd-gasps gasps

↓

No, Abed.

abed

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

[PIERCE MUMBLING

mumbling pierce

↓

INDISTINCTLY]

indistinctly

↓

[MEOWING]

meowing

↓

Yeah.

↓

Enough.

↓

Abed, you're not Batman.

abed batman

↓

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.

pierce pierce-pierce pierce-pierce-pierce

↓

Studies department.

department studies

↓

I'm old?

↓

What do you mean old?

↓

Whose hands are these?

hands

↓

[GROANING]

groaning

↓

Way to go.

↓

She's pretty hot.

↓

Well, where were we,

↓

little doggie?

doggie

↓

Yeah, crap.

↓

[THUDDING

thudding

↓

AND GLASS BREAKING]

breaking glass

↓

BRITTA:

britta

↓

Shirley?

shirley

↓

[GRUNTING]

grunting

↓

Shirley?

shirley

↓

This is Professor

professor

↓

Robin Hood's office.

office robin

↓

Why?

↓

To teach that long neck,

neck teach

↓

weave-having bank teller

bank having weave

↓

she can't steal another

another steal

↓

woman's man, that's why.

womans

↓

Uh...

↓

I have a confession to make.

confession

↓

I think some

↓

of what I just said

↓

may have more to do

↓

with my situation.

situation

↓

Yeah, the long neck,

neck

↓

weave-having bank teller

bank having weave

↓

didn't feel universal.

↓

My ex-husband

husband

↓

came by this morning,

morning

↓

and he asked

asked

↓

for his ring back.

ring

↓

It was his mother's,

mothers

↓

and he wants to give it

wants

↓

to his new girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

Shirley, that sucks.

shirley sucks

↓

The best thing that ever

best

↓

I just always thought

↓

he'd come crawling back,

crawling

↓

and I'd get to tell him

↓

to go to hell.

↓

[CRYING]

crying

↓

He couldn't even

↓

give me that.

↓

You know what the crazy

crazy

↓

thing is?

↓

It's like I was too proud

proud

↓

to admit I was hurt,

admit hurt

↓

so I had to pretend

pretend

↓

that you were.

↓

I totally get that.

↓

I feel better now.

↓

Let's go check on Annie.

annie check

↓

Can you believe

believe

↓

I bet she's nice.

↓

BRITTA:

britta

↓

Yeah.

↓

Nice and pretentious.

pretentious

↓

[DISTORTED FOLK MUSIC

distorted folk music

↓

PLAYING]

playing

↓

Pierce, are you okay?

pierce

↓

[LAUGHING

laughing

↓

IN DISTORTED VOICE]

distorted voice

↓

Hey, man, what's going on?

↓

Just relax. Relax, man.

relax relax-relax

↓

Just relax, okay?

relax

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

You're going to die.

↓

JEFF:

jeff

↓

Tell me about The Beatles,

↓

Pierce.

pierce

↓

Tell me about Woodstock

woodstock

↓

and sputnik, Pierce.

pierce

↓

[YELLS]

yells

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

[CRYING]

crying

↓

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING

jazz jazz-music jazz-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

OVER SPEAKERS]

speakers

↓

Do I feel a breeze here?

breeze

↓

Because someone

↓

just struck out.

struck

↓

Chang.

chang

↓

Is that what you have

↓

to fall back on?

fall

↓

Look at me, bro.

↓

Look at me.

↓

I've got the body

body

↓

of a fifth grader, okay?

fifth

↓

If I was working

working

↓

with what you've got,

↓

she'd be at the Comfort Inn

comfort shed

↓

right now

↓

giving me

giving

↓

a Mexican Halloween.

halloween mexican

↓

It's this campus.

campus

↓

It feeds on my coolness.

coolness feeds

↓

I got no moves anymore.

anymore moves

↓

Moves?

moves

↓

Everything's a game

everythings game

↓

to guys like you.

↓

I know one move I bet

↓

What is it?

↓

Please sleep with me.

sleep

↓

Please.

↓

Pretty please.

↓

I'm so lonely.

lonely

↓

I haven't slept with anyone

slept

↓

in a very long time,

↓

and you're so good-looking.

looking

↓

Please do me the favor

favor

↓

of having sex with me.

having

↓

and promise

promise

↓

I promise. I promise.

promise

↓

Everybody stay out

everybody

↓

of the library.

library

↓

Pierce, it's okay.

pierce

↓

Come out of there.

↓

PIERCE:

pierce

↓

No, I'm not ready to die.

ready

↓

You're not gonna die.

↓

Look at me.

↓

Just keep walking.

walking

↓

Don't make eye contact.

contact

↓

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

jeff

↓

Pierce is freaking out.

freaking pierce

↓

You're the only one

↓

that can help.

↓

PIERCE: Is Jeff there?

jeff pierce

↓

I can't believe

believe

↓

I'm doing this.

↓

I, uh...

↓

good night.

night

↓

guardian for these people?

guardian

↓

No. Um...

↓

They're my classmates.

classmates

↓

Good night, Jeff.

jeff night

↓

CHANG:

chang

↓

Loser!

loser

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

What in the Pink Floyd?

pink

↓

Is that a death

death

↓

befitting a beastmaster?

↓

I never saw Beastmaster,

↓

I just wanted to be cool.

cool wanted

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

we get what we pay for,

↓

don't we?

↓

I'm old, Jeff.

jeff

↓

Pierce, I don't know how

pierce

↓

but I know

↓

in the last two months,

months

↓

you've probably doubled

↓

the national average

average national

↓

for amount of life lived

amount life lived

↓

per lifetime.

lifetime

↓

Well, I do have a young

young

↓

African-American friend.

african african-american american friend

↓

Yeah, and more importantly,

importantly

↓

in a desk fort that you built

built desk fort

↓

during a bad trip.

trip

↓

If life is just a series

life series

↓

of ridiculous attempts

attempts ridiculous

↓

to be alive,

alive

↓

you're a hero to everything

hero

↓

that's ever lived.

lived

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah.

↓

[RUMBLING]

rumbling

↓

[ALL GASP]

gasp

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Batman?

batman

↓

Yeah.

↓

Are you staying

staying

↓

for the party?

party

↓

If I stay,

↓

I must be out there

must

↓

in the night,

night

↓

staying vigilant.

staying vigilant

↓

Wherever a party needs

needs party

↓

to be saved, I'm there.

saved

↓

Wherever there are masks,

masks

↓

wherever there's tomfoolery

↓

and joy,

↓

I'm there.

↓

But sometimes I'm not

sometimes

↓

staying vigilant, watching.

staying vigilant watching

↓

Lurking, running, jumping,

jumping lurking running

↓

hurdling, sleeping.

sleeping

↓

No, I can't sleep.

sleep

↓

You sleep. I'm awake.

awake sleep

↓

Am I a bird? No.

bird

↓

I'm a bat.

↓

I am Batman.

batman

↓

Or am I?

↓

Yes, I am Batman.

batman

↓

Happy Halloween.

halloween happy happy-halloween

↓

[IMITATING YODA]

imitating

↓

I'm Batman.

batman

↓

[IN DEEP VOICE] I'm Batman.

batman deep deep-voice voice

↓

[IN DEEP VOICE]

deep deep-voice voice

↓

That's Batman.

batman

↓

Candy corn

candy corn

↓

Yeah, it sure does.

↓

At, like, a candy

candy

↓

traffic school.

school traffic traffic-school

↓

Look out.

↓

We driving.

driving

↓

Yeah, but you keep wanting

wanting

↓

to eat yourself.

↓

All day.

↓

What is?

↓

If I ever, like,

↓

woke up as a doughnut.

doughnut woke

↓

You would eat yourself.

↓

Mm. That would be tasty.

tasty

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah.