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Season 1, Episode 7 — Introduction to Statistics

As you know,

#2

⇓

all faculty at Greendale

#3

⇓

are required to give

#4

⇓

extra credit

#5

⇓

to students who organize

#6

⇓

No student

#10

⇓

in any department

#11

⇓

until now.

#13

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#14

⇓

Tonight, in the library,

#15

⇓

I will be hosting

#16

⇓

Día de los Muertos,

#19

⇓

or Day of the Dead,

#20

⇓

is sometimes referred to

#21

⇓

as Mexican Halloween.

#22

⇓

to people

#24

⇓

as a sexual position.

#26

⇓

you get extra credit.

#28

⇓

See you tonight.

#30

⇓

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#32

⇓

Um...

#33

⇓

Most of you responded

#34

⇓

to my e-vite,

#35

⇓

but some of you

#36

⇓

remain evasive, so...

#37

⇓

Count me in.

#38

⇓

I got some tequila,

#40

⇓

the Rise of Taj, and look.

#42

⇓

My husband's been gone

#44

⇓

for six months.

#45

⇓

I think it's time for me

#46

⇓

to embrace being single.

#47

⇓

Message received.

#48

⇓

I'm waiting to hear

#49

⇓

from Jeff and Pierce.

#50

⇓

Access e-mail.

#53

⇓

You're not going

#54

⇓

to Annie's party?

#55

⇓

Oh, it conflicts

#56

⇓

It's like I'm my mother.

#60

⇓

VOICE [ON PHONE]:

#61

⇓

Calling mother.

#62

⇓

What?

#63

⇓

Speaking of enjoying life,

#64

⇓

I don't wanna beat

#65

⇓

a dead horse,

#66

⇓

anything non-platonic

#68

⇓

I'm sure.

#70

⇓

Good. One of my professors

#71

⇓

is really hot.

#72

⇓

And I wanted to give you

#73

⇓

first right of refusal.

#74

⇓

WOMAN [OVER SPEAKERPHONE]:

#75

⇓

Hello? Pierce?

#76

⇓

How's school going?

#78

⇓

Are you popular?

#79

⇓

right now.

#81

⇓

[STAMMERING]

#82

⇓

Wrong number.

#83

⇓

Has that boy Jeff

#84

⇓

stopped teasing you?

#85

⇓

[THUDDING]

#87

⇓

I saw your father's ghost

#88

⇓

again.

#89

⇓

He's still angry.

#90

⇓

PLAYING]

#92

⇓

♪ Give me some more

#93

⇓

Time in a dream ♪

#94

⇓

♪ Give me the hope

#95

⇓

To run out of steam ♪

#96

⇓

♪ Somebody said

#97

⇓

It can be here ♪

#98

⇓

♪ We could be roped up

#99

⇓

Tied up dead in a year ♪

#100

⇓

♪ I can't count the reasons

#101

⇓

I should stay ♪

#102

⇓

♪ One by one they all

#103

⇓

Just fade away ♪

#104

⇓

The Bernoulli Distribution

#105

⇓

is the number of successes

#106

⇓

in a sequence of

#107

⇓

Okay. For the quiz, Monday

#109

⇓

Bernoulli's one of

#112

⇓

my favorites.

#113

⇓

were not his only love.

#115

⇓

used on meat and poultry.

#117

⇓

That's béarnaise.

#118

⇓

We may need to settle this

#119

⇓

at a restaurant.

#120

⇓

That's cute.

#121

⇓

A little aggressive.

#122

⇓

But as a busy,

#123

⇓

I'm attracted to men

#125

⇓

who take charge.

#126

⇓

Are you being sarcastic

#127

⇓

or am I nailing it?

#128

⇓

You were nailing it

#129

⇓

until you had to ask.

#130

⇓

Oh, damn it.

#131

⇓

Starting over.

#132

⇓

I'd like to, Mr. Winger.

#134

⇓

to know I'd never feel

#137

⇓

Thank you.

#139

⇓

Only problem,

#140

⇓

I don't date students.

#141

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#142

⇓

JEFF:

#143

⇓

Oh. Hey. Awkward.

#145

⇓

How small is this campus?

#146

⇓

Bastard.

#147

⇓

It's disgusting

#149

⇓

the way men behave.

#150

⇓

Heigl movie poster,

#152

⇓

where Gerard Butler

#153

⇓

I don't care what Jeff does.

#157

⇓

I'm barely a student.

#159

⇓

I'm older than you,

#160

⇓

I drive a Lexus.

#161

⇓

It's uncanny

#165

⇓

how many of my buttons

#166

⇓

you're finding,

#167

⇓

but I have a personal rule

#168

⇓

about this and I stick to it.

#169

⇓

I can change your mind.

#171

⇓

I know you can.

#172

⇓

That's why you're not

#173

⇓

getting the chance.

#174

⇓

Ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo.

#175

⇓

Are you coming to my party?

#176

⇓

I'm definitely gonna try

#177

⇓

to swing by.

#178

⇓

Then I can mark you down

#179

⇓

as definitely being there

#180

⇓

from 7:00 sharp

#181

⇓

until question mark?

#182

⇓

do you understand?

#186

⇓

I am being assertive,

#187

⇓

Are you trying to get

#190

⇓

formidable with me?

#191

⇓

Infomercials work on Pierce.

#193

⇓

If you show up, it will be

#195

⇓

the first party I host

#196

⇓

where everyone doesn't say

#197

⇓

for the news.

#199

⇓

This won't work.

#201

⇓

The last time you did this,

#202

⇓

I saved a vial of your tears.

#203

⇓

And I've been slowly

#204

⇓

building up an immunity.

#205

⇓

I was so unpopular

#206

⇓

in high school,

#207

⇓

the crossing guard

#208

⇓

at being hip, cool,

#211

⇓

laid-back.

#212

⇓

Thank you.

#214

⇓

I'm putting you down

#215

⇓

for two bags of ice

#216

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#218

⇓

Taking a pill?

#219

⇓

"Xenolovaden."

#221

⇓

Fantastic.

#224

⇓

Heard stories about it.

#232

⇓

with no pants on,

#234

⇓

which in the Gaza Strip

#235

⇓

be careful.

#238

⇓

Look, I really don't need

#239

⇓

your advice,

#240

⇓

and I'm not your pantsless

#241

⇓

grandpa.

#242

⇓

"Pantsless grandpa."

#243

⇓

[LAUGHS]

#244

⇓

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING

#245

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#246

⇓

ANNIE:

#247

⇓

Scary.

#248

⇓

You look great.

#249

⇓

Hi.

#250

⇓

Britta,

#251

⇓

Thank you.

#253

⇓

as an excuse

#255

⇓

to dress up like sluts,

#256

⇓

you know?

#257

⇓

Yeah.

#258

⇓

Okay, everyone.

#259

⇓

I think we can begin.

#260

⇓

I've got everyone's

#261

⇓

por tradición.

#263

⇓

And, in a few minutes

#264

⇓

we're going to start

#265

⇓

the Dance of the Dead,

#266

⇓

La Danza de los Muertos.

#267

⇓

You don't have to keep

#268

⇓

doing that.

#269

⇓

Party on.

#270

⇓

Nice of you to be here,

#271

⇓

with your hot professor.

#273

⇓

It's funny.

#274

⇓

CHANG:

#280

⇓

Professor Slater?

#281

⇓

She's not grading papers.

#282

⇓

Oh, look.

#284

⇓

Are you saying

#286

⇓

my people are sneaky?

#287

⇓

What?

#288

⇓

on the horizon.

#291

⇓

Hey. Can I ask you something

#295

⇓

I always wanted to ask

#296

⇓

Yeah.

#298

⇓

Am I good-looking?

#299

⇓

young man.

#301

⇓

I knew it.

#302

⇓

I am the Beastmaster.

#306

⇓

What rock

#308

⇓

What are you going as?

#310

⇓

A gay douche bag?

#311

⇓

Nice one.

#313

⇓

You're not much of

#315

⇓

Oh. Body blow.

#317

⇓

Is that liquor?

#318

⇓

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT]

#319

⇓

Hello.

#320

⇓

Here's your drinks, mates.

#321

⇓

JEFF:

#322

⇓

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

#324

⇓

I'm Harry Potter.

#325

⇓

What up, Urkel?

#327

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#328

⇓

[TOILET FLUSHES]

#329

⇓

Oh!

#331

⇓

All right.

#332

⇓

What are you taking?

#333

⇓

Huh? Oh.

#334

⇓

You know,

#335

⇓

the usual cool stuff.

#336

⇓

I've got 'ludes, dreamers,

#337

⇓

Johnny Boys.

#338

⇓

I don't know,

#341

⇓

Star-Burns, I'm--

#342

⇓

with the Beastmaster.

#344

⇓

Hey. Who said you weren't?

#345

⇓

Saddle up, fruit pie.

#346

⇓

May I?

#348

⇓

Here, take this.

#349

⇓

Give anyone that shows up

#350

⇓

their stupid credit.

#351

⇓

Make me your plus one.

#353

⇓

Give it up, Winger.

#354

⇓

Professor Slater

#355

⇓

doesn't date students.

#356

⇓

Or married Asians

#357

⇓

who drive mopeds.

#358

⇓

I'll give you 20 bucks.

#359

⇓

I'll bring the hog around.

#360

⇓

Okay, it's time

#361

⇓

for the Dance of the Dead.

#362

⇓

Everyone form a circle.

#363

⇓

Lights. Music.

#364

⇓

Is it under genre

#365

⇓

Hey, man,

#367

⇓

What did you slip me, man?

#371

⇓

My heart stopped racing

#372

⇓

and I can't pee.

#373

⇓

Now, for the first dance,

#374

⇓

Jeff Winger?

#377

⇓

[FOLK MUSIC PLAYING

#378

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#379

⇓

Jeff?

#380

⇓

Where's Jeff?

#381

⇓

Please slow down.

#382

⇓

JEFF:

#385

⇓

Watch it!

#386

⇓

Is Jeff gone?

#387

⇓

You know, I'm gonna go.

#388

⇓

News.

#390

⇓

He just stepped out.

#391

⇓

He's going to

#393

⇓

the faculty party.

#394

⇓

No, it's not about her,

#397

⇓

Shirley.

#398

⇓

I can't believe that Jeff

#399

⇓

would do this to Annie.

#400

⇓

Yes, absolutely,

#401

⇓

it's about Annie.

#402

⇓

We should go find

#403

⇓

that bitch's car

#404

⇓

and snap off her antenna.

#405

⇓

It's like high school

#406

⇓

all over again.

#407

⇓

Everyone's leaving.

#408

⇓

Not me.

#409

⇓

I love you.

#411

⇓

[CHATTERING]

#412

⇓

[BIG-BAND MUSIC PLAYING

#413

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#414

⇓

What are you doing here?

#416

⇓

I have to admit,

#418

⇓

I may or may not

#420

⇓

have been deflowered

#421

⇓

by a junior rodeo champion.

#422

⇓

You remind me

#423

⇓

of my first time too.

#424

⇓

You lost your virginity

#425

⇓

to Robin Hood?

#426

⇓

at a party.

#428

⇓

We seem destined

#429

⇓

to repeat history.

#430

⇓

I told you, no students.

#431

⇓

It's unseemly.

#432

⇓

I go out with you,

#433

⇓

you tell your friends.

#434

⇓

What friends?

#435

⇓

I have no friends.

#436

⇓

I hate everyone here

#437

⇓

but you.

#438

⇓

What are you doing here?

#440

⇓

You should be over

#442

⇓

at the library with Annie.

#443

⇓

a costume guy.

#446

⇓

Had to have one to get in,

#447

⇓

squirrel.

#448

⇓

I don't know

#452

⇓

what you're getting at.

#453

⇓

And it is tight too.

#456

⇓

I'd say yes.

#459

⇓

Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.

#460

⇓

Britta Perry, GED.

#461

⇓

Oh, are you a classmate

#462

⇓

of Jeff's?

#463

⇓

When you say classmate,

#464

⇓

it sounds like

#465

⇓

we take naps together

#466

⇓

and eat paste.

#467

⇓

What's great about

#468

⇓

community college is

#469

⇓

is that a lot of the students

#470

⇓

Jeff, you must return

#472

⇓

to Annie's party.

#473

⇓

She's feeling unpopular.

#474

⇓

and he is tripping balls.

#476

⇓

He's touching people

#477

⇓

and dancing weird.

#478

⇓

It's like Grumpy Old Men,

#479

⇓

but not hilarious.

#480

⇓

You're all being unseemly.

#483

⇓

Why is Urkel ripping

#486

⇓

the antenna

#487

⇓

off Professor Slater's car?

#488

⇓

[CROWD GASPS]

#489

⇓

That's right,

#490

⇓

you steal Jeff

#493

⇓

from a good woman.

#494

⇓

[CROWD GASPS]

#495

⇓

No, Abed.

#496

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#497

⇓

[PIERCE MUMBLING

#498

⇓

INDISTINCTLY]

#499

⇓

[MEOWING]

#500

⇓

Yeah.

#502

⇓

Enough.

#503

⇓

Abed, you're not Batman.

#507

⇓

Pierce, Pierce, Pierce.

#508

⇓

Studies department.

#510

⇓

I'm old?

#512

⇓

What do you mean old?

#513

⇓

Whose hands are these?

#514

⇓

[GROANING]

#515

⇓

Way to go.

#517

⇓

She's pretty hot.

#521

⇓

Well, where were we,

#522

⇓

little doggie?

#523

⇓

Yeah, crap.

#525

⇓

[THUDDING

#526

⇓

AND GLASS BREAKING]

#527

⇓

BRITTA:

#528

⇓

Shirley?

#529

⇓

[GRUNTING]

#530

⇓

Shirley?

#531

⇓

This is Professor

#532

⇓

Robin Hood's office.

#533

⇓

Why?

#537

⇓

To teach that long neck,

#538

⇓

weave-having bank teller

#539

⇓

she can't steal another

#540

⇓

woman's man, that's why.

#541

⇓

Uh...

#542

⇓

I have a confession to make.

#543

⇓

I think some

#544

⇓

of what I just said

#545

⇓

may have more to do

#546

⇓

with my situation.

#547

⇓

Yeah, the long neck,

#548

⇓

weave-having bank teller

#549

⇓

didn't feel universal.

#550

⇓

My ex-husband

#551

⇓

came by this morning,

#552

⇓

and he asked

#553

⇓

for his ring back.

#554

⇓

It was his mother's,

#555

⇓

and he wants to give it

#556

⇓

to his new girlfriend.

#557

⇓

Shirley, that sucks.

#558

⇓

The best thing that ever

#559

⇓

I just always thought

#561

⇓

he'd come crawling back,

#562

⇓

and I'd get to tell him

#563

⇓

to go to hell.

#564

⇓

[CRYING]

#565

⇓

He couldn't even

#566

⇓

give me that.

#567

⇓

You know what the crazy

#568

⇓

thing is?

#569

⇓

It's like I was too proud

#571

⇓

to admit I was hurt,

#572

⇓

so I had to pretend

#573

⇓

that you were.

#574

⇓

I totally get that.

#575

⇓

I feel better now.

#576

⇓

Let's go check on Annie.

#577

⇓

Can you believe

#578

⇓

I bet she's nice.

#581

⇓

BRITTA:

#582

⇓

Yeah.

#583

⇓

Nice and pretentious.

#584

⇓

[DISTORTED FOLK MUSIC

#585

⇓

PLAYING]

#586

⇓

Pierce, are you okay?

#587

⇓

[LAUGHING

#588

⇓

IN DISTORTED VOICE]

#589

⇓

Hey, man, what's going on?

#590

⇓

Just relax. Relax, man.

#592

⇓

Just relax, okay?

#593

⇓

JEFF:

#594

⇓

You're going to die.

#597

⇓

JEFF:

#598

⇓

Tell me about The Beatles,

#600

⇓

Pierce.

#601

⇓

Tell me about Woodstock

#602

⇓

and sputnik, Pierce.

#603

⇓

[YELLS]

#604

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#605

⇓

[CRYING]

#606

⇓

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING

#607

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#608

⇓

Do I feel a breeze here?

#609

⇓

Because someone

#610

⇓

just struck out.

#611

⇓

Chang.

#613

⇓

Is that what you have

#614

⇓

to fall back on?

#615

⇓

Look at me, bro.

#616

⇓

Look at me.

#617

⇓

I've got the body

#618

⇓

of a fifth grader, okay?

#619

⇓

If I was working

#620

⇓

with what you've got,

#621

⇓

she'd be at the Comfort Inn

#622

⇓

right now

#623

⇓

giving me

#624

⇓

a Mexican Halloween.

#625

⇓

It's this campus.

#626

⇓

It feeds on my coolness.

#627

⇓

I got no moves anymore.

#628

⇓

Moves?

#629

⇓

Everything's a game

#630

⇓

to guys like you.

#631

⇓

I know one move I bet

#632

⇓

What is it?

#634

⇓

Please sleep with me.

#635

⇓

Please.

#636

⇓

Pretty please.

#637

⇓

I'm so lonely.

#638

⇓

I haven't slept with anyone

#639

⇓

in a very long time,

#640

⇓

and you're so good-looking.

#641

⇓

Please do me the favor

#642

⇓

of having sex with me.

#643

⇓

and promise

#645

⇓

I promise. I promise.

#647

⇓

Everybody stay out

#649

⇓

of the library.

#650

⇓

Pierce, it's okay.

#651

⇓

Come out of there.

#652

⇓

PIERCE:

#653

⇓

No, I'm not ready to die.

#654

⇓

You're not gonna die.

#656

⇓

Look at me.

#657

⇓

Just keep walking.

#658

⇓

Don't make eye contact.

#659

⇓

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.

#660

⇓

Pierce is freaking out.

#661

⇓

You're the only one

#662

⇓

that can help.

#663

⇓

PIERCE: Is Jeff there?

#665

⇓

I can't believe

#671

⇓

I'm doing this.

#672

⇓

I, uh...

#673

⇓

good night.

#675

⇓

guardian for these people?

#677

⇓

No. Um...

#678

⇓

They're my classmates.

#679

⇓

Good night, Jeff.

#680

⇓

CHANG:

#681

⇓

Loser!

#682

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#683

⇓

What in the Pink Floyd?

#684

⇓

Is that a death

#688

⇓

befitting a beastmaster?

#689

⇓

I never saw Beastmaster,

#691

⇓

I just wanted to be cool.

#692

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#694

⇓

we get what we pay for,

#701

⇓

don't we?

#702

⇓

I'm old, Jeff.

#703

⇓

Pierce, I don't know how

#704

⇓

but I know

#706

⇓

in the last two months,

#707

⇓

you've probably doubled

#708

⇓

the national average

#709

⇓

for amount of life lived

#710

⇓

per lifetime.

#711

⇓

Well, I do have a young

#712

⇓

African-American friend.

#713

⇓

Yeah, and more importantly,

#714

⇓

in a desk fort that you built

#716

⇓

during a bad trip.

#717

⇓

If life is just a series

#718

⇓

of ridiculous attempts

#719

⇓

to be alive,

#720

⇓

you're a hero to everything

#721

⇓

that's ever lived.

#722

⇓

Yeah.

#724

⇓

Yeah.

#725

⇓

[RUMBLING]

#726

⇓

[ALL GASP]

#727

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#728

⇓

Batman?

#729

⇓

Yeah.

#731

⇓

Are you staying

#732

⇓

for the party?

#733

⇓

If I stay,

#734

⇓

I must be out there

#736

⇓

in the night,

#737

⇓

staying vigilant.

#738

⇓

Wherever a party needs

#739

⇓

to be saved, I'm there.

#740

⇓

Wherever there are masks,

#741

⇓

wherever there's tomfoolery

#742

⇓

and joy,

#743

⇓

I'm there.

#744

⇓

But sometimes I'm not

#745

⇓

staying vigilant, watching.

#747

⇓

Lurking, running, jumping,

#748

⇓

hurdling, sleeping.

#749

⇓

No, I can't sleep.

#750

⇓

You sleep. I'm awake.

#751

⇓

Am I a bird? No.

#753

⇓

I'm a bat.

#754

⇓

I am Batman.

#755

⇓

Or am I?

#756

⇓

Yes, I am Batman.

#757

⇓

Happy Halloween.

#758

⇓

[IMITATING YODA]

#759

⇓

I'm Batman.

#760

⇓

[IN DEEP VOICE] I'm Batman.

#762

⇓

[IN DEEP VOICE]

#763

⇓

That's Batman.

#764

⇓

Candy corn

#765

⇓

Yeah, it sure does.

#767

⇓

At, like, a candy

#768

⇓

traffic school.

#769

⇓

Look out.

#772

⇓

We driving.

#773

⇓

Yeah, but you keep wanting

#774

⇓

to eat yourself.

#775

⇓

All day.

#776

⇓

What is?

#778

⇓

If I ever, like,

#779

⇓

woke up as a doughnut.

#780

⇓

You would eat yourself.

#781

⇓

Mm. That would be tasty.

#783

⇓

Yeah.

#786

⇓

Yeah.

#787

⇓