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Season 1, Episode 8 — Home Economics
There will be--
#3
⇓
What's this?
#4
⇓
It's okay, it's okay.
#5
⇓
Do it.
#6
⇓
[LAUGHS]
#7
⇓
Buenos dias, Winger.
#8
⇓
Ah. Class dismissed.
#9
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#10
⇓
TROY:
#11
⇓
Hey.
#12
⇓
Shirley, look.
#13
⇓
I'm Annie's backpack.
#14
⇓
Stop it, Troy.
#15
⇓
Well, they could do
#23
⇓
something on campus.
#24
⇓
Tomorrow, there's a picnic
#25
⇓
with live music
#26
⇓
on the east lawn.
#27
⇓
They're calling it
#28
⇓
A Night Under The Stars.
#29
⇓
Randi?
#32
⇓
Oh, I thought--
#33
⇓
Oh. You thought--
#34
⇓
like that.
#36
⇓
Listen...
#37
⇓
Randi can be the name
#38
⇓
of a guy or a girl.
#39
⇓
And in this case,
#40
⇓
You're welcome.
#43
⇓
And I hate you.
#44
⇓
And I wanna have
#45
⇓
your children.
#46
⇓
Damn, I picked the wrong
#47
⇓
Are you okay?
#50
⇓
In fashion, I'm what's known
#53
⇓
as a tastemaker.
#54
⇓
of your face shaving.
#56
⇓
And next month,
#57
⇓
so will Gwen Stefani.
#58
⇓
Here comes Vaughn. Bye.
#59
⇓
Oh, crap.
#60
⇓
Vaughn? Vaughn.
#61
⇓
you did it with.
#63
⇓
Oh, God.
#64
⇓
Hi, Vaughn.
#65
⇓
I'm sorry
#67
⇓
Well, I'm sorry
#69
⇓
I can't accept your apology
#70
⇓
because you're toxic,
#71
⇓
Britta.
#72
⇓
You know what?
#73
⇓
of an antioxidant.
#75
⇓
Yeah.
#76
⇓
I got band practice.
#77
⇓
Can't we still be friends?
#79
⇓
Isn't the word "later"
#80
⇓
already short enough?
#81
⇓
Don't talk to Vaughn.
#89
⇓
Your hormones
#90
⇓
Don't talk to Vaughn.
#92
⇓
That is girl
#93
⇓
for "talk to Vaughn."
#94
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#95
⇓
Ooh.
#96
⇓
Shirley.
#99
⇓
What is he doing?
#100
⇓
Oh, I know exactly
#101
⇓
what he's doing.
#102
⇓
[GRUNTING]
#108
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#109
⇓
in the '70s.
#111
⇓
on the vinyl back seat
#113
⇓
of a Skylark.
#114
⇓
Of course,
#115
⇓
we didn't have the same
#116
⇓
safety standards
#117
⇓
back then, so...
#118
⇓
[WHISPERS]
#119
⇓
No condoms.
#120
⇓
I tell you, before AIDS,
#121
⇓
Hence, AIDS.
#123
⇓
Oh, Brittles,
#124
⇓
I forgot to tell you.
#125
⇓
What?
#127
⇓
things between you.
#129
⇓
You really
#130
⇓
did a number on him.
#131
⇓
Good news is, I'm the new
#132
⇓
keyboardist in his band.
#133
⇓
I'd like to be there
#138
⇓
when the band finds out.
#139
⇓
Oh, hi, Jeff.
#140
⇓
We were just talking
#141
⇓
Mm-mm! Living in your car.
#143
⇓
Sorry, I'm not good
#145
⇓
at being coy.
#146
⇓
with my condo.
#151
⇓
They'll put my locks back
#154
⇓
How are you gonna
#156
⇓
get the money?
#157
⇓
Believe me, kitten,
#158
⇓
Winger's got moves.
#159
⇓
Jeff, do you need
#160
⇓
a place to stay?
#161
⇓
I'd offer, but my dad's
#162
⇓
kind of racist.
#163
⇓
Stay with me in the dorms.
#164
⇓
My room has a bunk bed.
#165
⇓
A misnomer,
#166
⇓
charity or pity
#169
⇓
will be mentioned by name
#170
⇓
in my suicide note.
#171
⇓
Oh.
#172
⇓
thanks for your advice
#174
⇓
Of course.
#176
⇓
Anytime, ever.
#177
⇓
shop for this stuff?
#183
⇓
Really?
#185
⇓
No.
#187
⇓
Thanks. Later.
#188
⇓
Bye.
#189
⇓
Hey. Wanna see my place?
#191
⇓
No, my real place.
#194
⇓
Look at that.
#195
⇓
The condo board's
#196
⇓
trying to bluff me
#197
⇓
by listing my place
#198
⇓
as available.
#199
⇓
But look at those faucets.
#200
⇓
Handcrafted in Italy.
#201
⇓
Move on with my life?
#209
⇓
This condo is all
#211
⇓
that's left of me.
#212
⇓
Every part of it
#213
⇓
is a part of who I am.
#214
⇓
Is that a bidet?
#215
⇓
That part's for resale
#216
⇓
value.
#217
⇓
And Saturday afternoons.
#218
⇓
You know,
#219
⇓
is your chance
#221
⇓
the more you can be.
#225
⇓
There's a silver lining here,
#227
⇓
isn't there?
#228
⇓
You're attracted to bums.
#229
⇓
Come on.
#231
⇓
Why don't you have dinner
#232
⇓
at my place?
#233
⇓
I got a hotplate that plugs
#234
⇓
into a cigarette lighter.
#235
⇓
being towed.
#237
⇓
Stop!
#238
⇓
That's my house!
#239
⇓
Yeah, cool.
#241
⇓
or bottom bunk?
#243
⇓
Top.
#244
⇓
Me too.
#245
⇓
Race you for it.
#246
⇓
I win.
#247
⇓
It's an emergency
#250
⇓
situation.
#251
⇓
I mean, the premise alone
#254
⇓
is priceless.
#255
⇓
The guy has the powers
#256
⇓
and strength of a spider.
#257
⇓
No, your incredulity
#258
⇓
perplexes me, nerd.
#259
⇓
about farm animals
#261
⇓
or Brian Williams?
#262
⇓
Cool.
#264
⇓
Cool, cool, cool.
#265
⇓
Lucky Charms?
#266
⇓
than cereal?
#271
⇓
into cold milk
#273
⇓
and drink it like
#274
⇓
a cold hot chocolate.
#275
⇓
I call it special drink.
#276
⇓
You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.
#279
⇓
You're Goldie Hawn.
#281
⇓
No.
#283
⇓
In Overboard,
#284
⇓
she was just like you.
#285
⇓
Then she fell off her boat
#288
⇓
and it was good for her.
#289
⇓
Ultimately, she realized
#290
⇓
she was happier poor,
#291
⇓
raising unruly boys
#292
⇓
with Kurt Russell.
#293
⇓
Do whatever you want.
#295
⇓
You just have to know
#296
⇓
what that is.
#297
⇓
For me, it's Lucky Charms
#298
⇓
and TV.
#299
⇓
I could use a break.
#300
⇓
A picnic blanket.
#301
⇓
Genius. I was gonna
#302
⇓
lay down newspaper.
#303
⇓
Yeah?
#306
⇓
That's pretty hot.
#307
⇓
Oh.
#309
⇓
It's scary.
#311
⇓
If he's not interested,
#312
⇓
You could.
#314
⇓
the dice.
#317
⇓
I'm going to roll them.
#320
⇓
I am.
#321
⇓
I just-- I need
#322
⇓
a few more shakes.
#323
⇓
Mm. Shake them
#324
⇓
If you'll excuse me,
#326
⇓
Kind of hoping for
#330
⇓
VAUGHN:
#332
⇓
This is for you.
#333
⇓
No.
#336
⇓
to help smooth things over.
#338
⇓
♪ Saying goodbye to Britta
#339
⇓
And a liar ♪
#342
⇓
♪ There ain't nothing left
#343
⇓
To woo ♪
#344
⇓
♪ What am I doing?
#346
⇓
I'm getting rid of the B ♪
#347
⇓
VAUGHN:
#349
⇓
♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪
#351
⇓
♪ She's a GDB ♪
#352
⇓
VAUGHN:
#353
⇓
Take it, Pierce.
#354
⇓
Same as a 45-year-old,
#355
⇓
except he doesn't
#356
⇓
get as tired.
#357
⇓
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV]
#358
⇓
We can pick them
#359
⇓
from the cream...
#360
⇓
Great to have somebody
#361
⇓
to watch stuff with.
#362
⇓
My dad never wanted
#363
⇓
to watch anything,
#364
⇓
so I was raised by TV.
#365
⇓
at the zoo.
#369
⇓
Cop Rock.
#373
⇓
Cop Rock.
#374
⇓
That sounds cool.
#375
⇓
Hey.
#377
⇓
Wow.
#378
⇓
You guys are really
#379
⇓
I've spent a quarter.
#382
⇓
We're having the time
#383
⇓
of our lives.
#384
⇓
See?
#385
⇓
faucets in here?
#388
⇓
down the hallway.
#390
⇓
It actually helped me come
#391
⇓
You don't sit on a toilet
#393
⇓
like that
#394
⇓
until you've left
#395
⇓
Hey, bros.
#398
⇓
This is Pavel.
#399
⇓
He lives next door.
#400
⇓
[SPEAKS IN POLISH]
#402
⇓
Britta?
#403
⇓
Excuse me. I have a future
#406
⇓
murder victim to visit.
#407
⇓
Cool.
#409
⇓
[SPEAKS IN POLISH]
#411
⇓
[BAND PLAYING]
#412
⇓
Guys, what the hell?
#413
⇓
"Getting Rid of Britta"?
#414
⇓
to me
#416
⇓
and to the definition
#417
⇓
of rhyme scheme.
#418
⇓
Wow. If you don't
#419
⇓
like my song,
#420
⇓
you don't have to listen,
#421
⇓
all right?
#422
⇓
I'm an artist
#423
⇓
and I write what I feel.
#424
⇓
PIERCE: Oh, oh.
#426
⇓
for a second?
#430
⇓
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
#434
⇓
Your song?
#435
⇓
We wrote it together.
#436
⇓
Are you trying
#437
⇓
to Garfunkel me?
#438
⇓
Maybe, assuming
#439
⇓
to Garfunkel someone
#440
⇓
is to
#441
⇓
keep putting up with them
#442
⇓
even though
#443
⇓
they're a fat, lazy cat
#444
⇓
who hogs the spotlight
#445
⇓
and eats all the lasagna.
#446
⇓
I get it.
#447
⇓
What? Why?
#449
⇓
these skinny jeans,
#451
⇓
my ass looks like
#452
⇓
a baby pumpkin.
#453
⇓
a small-nippled,
#455
⇓
credit-hogging jag
#456
⇓
who only knows
#457
⇓
My band, my song.
#459
⇓
You want that, huh, Pierce?
#460
⇓
How do you like that?
#461
⇓
I'm out!
#462
⇓
You get on that horse.
#463
⇓
VAUGHN:
#464
⇓
Lates!
#465
⇓
my honor?
#467
⇓
Huh?
#468
⇓
Oh, yeah. Totally.
#469
⇓
You'll light the candles
#470
⇓
and you'll take a bite
#471
⇓
and she'll take a bite
#472
⇓
and you'll laugh.
#473
⇓
[LAUGHS]
#474
⇓
And you'll offer her
#475
⇓
your letter jacket
#476
⇓
And she'll feel like
#479
⇓
Right.
#481
⇓
I couldn't have done this
#482
⇓
without your help.
#483
⇓
You're really nice.
#484
⇓
We should've hung out more
#485
⇓
in high school.
#486
⇓
to be my backpack?
#488
⇓
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
#489
⇓
I'm funny.
#490
⇓
All right. Ah.
#491
⇓
I gotta go get ready.
#492
⇓
Troy, wait.
#493
⇓
I have to tell you.
#494
⇓
My appendix is bursting.
#495
⇓
Yeah. Yeah.
#497
⇓
My appendix is bursting.
#498
⇓
[SCREAMS]
#499
⇓
Oh. Oh, no.
#500
⇓
Okay, two young students.
#501
⇓
right?
#505
⇓
[LAUGHS]
#506
⇓
Us? No.
#507
⇓
and I have appendicitis.
#509
⇓
Oh.
#510
⇓
Cool. I'll see you.
#516
⇓
[SCREAMS]
#517
⇓
God. Where does it hurt?
#518
⇓
Everywhere.
#519
⇓
We have to quarantine you.
#520
⇓
We gotta get you
#521
⇓
to a safe distance.
#522
⇓
Great.
#525
⇓
Wait, wait.
#526
⇓
This is a date?
#527
⇓
Yeah, you need these.
#528
⇓
Nice.
#529
⇓
I'll be thinking of you.
#530
⇓
Okay, I need to go.
#531
⇓
No, we--
#532
⇓
We have to observe you
#533
⇓
overnight. It's policy.
#534
⇓
We don't want another
#535
⇓
She was the Typhoid Mary
#537
⇓
of herpes.
#538
⇓
I'm kind of the Hawkeye
#539
⇓
around here,
#540
⇓
so it's kind of a--
#541
⇓
Are you seeing anybody?
#542
⇓
Knight Rider
#545
⇓
marathon.
#546
⇓
The shadowy flight
#547
⇓
[MUMBLING]
#550
⇓
Britta, may I have a word?
#551
⇓
You need to take Jeff back.
#553
⇓
Never had him,
#554
⇓
He's got a real
#556
⇓
Phil Spector vibe going.
#557
⇓
ABED:
#558
⇓
He's like E.T.
#559
⇓
He crashed in my place
#560
⇓
and we're friends now,
#561
⇓
which is great for me,
#562
⇓
but bad for him.
#563
⇓
Abed.
#567
⇓
Don't be naive.
#568
⇓
The charge between you two
#569
⇓
is keeping him going.
#570
⇓
if he takes a shower
#572
⇓
I'm heading back.
#574
⇓
Pavel's making babka.
#575
⇓
Do it, Britta.
#576
⇓
Seduce him.
#577
⇓
Draw the tapeworm of Jeff's
#578
⇓
old self out with the milk
#579
⇓
No.
#581
⇓
Then say goodbye to E.T.
#582
⇓
And your wife is married
#585
⇓
to an idiot.
#586
⇓
What's wrong now, woman?
#587
⇓
LOUISE:
#588
⇓
You.
#589
⇓
You can't see further
#590
⇓
than them--
#591
⇓
What are you doing?
#592
⇓
I was wrong, okay?
#594
⇓
Material possessions
#595
⇓
are important.
#596
⇓
What about good cars,
#602
⇓
good lobster?
#603
⇓
What about that sport
#604
⇓
where the British people
#605
⇓
ride the horses
#606
⇓
Jeez, you are way out
#608
⇓
of your element here.
#609
⇓
a single word
#611
⇓
I am saying for me.
#612
⇓
But for you?
#613
⇓
rare people
#615
⇓
the surface.
#617
⇓
on a turd,
#619
⇓
you don't get a diamond.
#620
⇓
You just get a turd
#621
⇓
Thanks, coach.
#623
⇓
Can you turn the TV back on?
#624
⇓
[GROANS]
#625
⇓
These look like--
#628
⇓
Wait.
#629
⇓
I made this notch
#630
⇓
to indicate
#631
⇓
for combination skin.
#633
⇓
These were mine?
#634
⇓
For a fancy condo,
#635
⇓
you've got awful security.
#636
⇓
so that every day,
#638
⇓
when you're spending way
#639
⇓
I can do it again."
#643
⇓
Yeah.
#644
⇓
Look at all this work
#647
⇓
you're doing
#648
⇓
You are the worst.
#653
⇓
Yeah, clearly.
#654
⇓
Sorry. Ahem.
#655
⇓
I want you to know
#656
⇓
I haven't changed my mind
#657
⇓
about the band.
#658
⇓
I'm out.
#659
⇓
We wanna recognize
#661
⇓
a couple of sponsors.
#662
⇓
Lay off Britta.
#665
⇓
I mean, she may walk
#666
⇓
but underneath all that clown
#668
⇓
makeup, she's a good kid.
#669
⇓
I've moved on.
#671
⇓
Lates, okay.
#673
⇓
Snakes. What--?
#674
⇓
Greendale!
#675
⇓
[CROWD CHEERING]
#676
⇓
[BAND PLAYING]
#677
⇓
♪ Pierce, I don't need you
#678
⇓
In my band ♪
#679
⇓
♪ I don't need your heart
#680
⇓
Or your hand ♪
#681
⇓
♪ I am my own person ♪
#682
⇓
Yeah, you heard me say it.
#684
⇓
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
#685
⇓
ANNIE:
#686
⇓
No!
#687
⇓
Before you two proceed,
#688
⇓
I have one thing to say.
#689
⇓
I want my nana's
#691
⇓
blanket back.
#692
⇓
Do you guys mind?
#693
⇓
Could you scoot over?
#694
⇓
It's an heirloom.
#695
⇓
I want it.
#696
⇓
Thank you.
#697
⇓
Have a nice date.
#698
⇓
For me, that was huge.
#700
⇓
I know, sweetie.
#701
⇓
Yeah, cool, thanks.
#704
⇓
♪ This a song for Pierce
#705
⇓
'Cause him so old ♪
#706
⇓
♪ His body made
#707
⇓
Of wrinkles and folds ♪
#708
⇓
♪ Stupid and ugly
#709
⇓
He smells like a fart ♪
#710
⇓
♪ Poo-poo in his pants
#711
⇓
And poo-poo in my heart ♪
#712
⇓
Hey, look what the cat
#713
⇓
dragged out and licked clean.
#714
⇓
Thanks.
#721
⇓
For caring.
#722
⇓
Hey.
#723
⇓
I checked into a motel
#726
⇓
You would've been fine
#728
⇓
with me staying forever?
#729
⇓
Yup.
#730
⇓
Thanks.
#733
⇓
ALL:
#734
⇓
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪
#735
⇓
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
#736
⇓
I'm Pierce.
#737
⇓
Yeah, song's about me.
#738
⇓
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce
#739
⇓
Pierce, you're a B ♪
#740
⇓
MAN 1: Yeah!
#742
⇓
VAUGHN:
#743
⇓
Come on, sing it for me.
#744
⇓
ALL:
#745
⇓
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪
#746
⇓
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
#747
⇓
MAN 2:
#748
⇓
Yeah, he is.
#749
⇓
ALL:
#750
⇓
♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪
#751
⇓
♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪
#752
⇓
VAUGHN:
#753
⇓
Ow!
#754
⇓
We are Some Worries!
#755
⇓
Good night, Greendale!
#756
⇓
♪ East side, west side
#757
⇓
North side, south ♪
#758
⇓
♪ This rap is by Pierce
#761
⇓
Vaughn is dumb ♪
#762
⇓
♪ He wears diapers to bed
#763
⇓
Wishing he was me ♪
#766
⇓
With a glass of pee ♪
#768
⇓
♪ Then he goes to school
#769
⇓
Where he's stupid again ♪
#770
⇓
♪ And everybody hates him
#771
⇓
Even all his friends ♪
#772
⇓
Then the battle is on ♪
#774
⇓
♪ So this rap goes out
#775
⇓
To stupid Vaughn ♪
#776
⇓
This isn't over.
#778
⇓
[HIP-HOP BEAT
#779
⇓
PLAYING OVER KEYBOARD]
#780
⇓
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