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Season 1, Episode 8 — Home Economics

There will be--

#3

⇓

What's this?

#4

⇓

It's okay, it's okay.

#5

⇓

Do it.

#6

⇓

[LAUGHS]

#7

⇓

Buenos dias, Winger.

#8

⇓

Ah. Class dismissed.

#9

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#10

⇓

TROY:

#11

⇓

Hey.

#12

⇓

Shirley, look.

#13

⇓

I'm Annie's backpack.

#14

⇓

Stop it, Troy.

#15

⇓

Well, they could do

#23

⇓

something on campus.

#24

⇓

Tomorrow, there's a picnic

#25

⇓

with live music

#26

⇓

on the east lawn.

#27

⇓

They're calling it

#28

⇓

A Night Under The Stars.

#29

⇓

Randi?

#32

⇓

Oh, I thought--

#33

⇓

Oh. You thought--

#34

⇓

like that.

#36

⇓

Listen...

#37

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Randi can be the name

#38

⇓

of a guy or a girl.

#39

⇓

And in this case,

#40

⇓

You're welcome.

#43

⇓

And I hate you.

#44

⇓

And I wanna have

#45

⇓

your children.

#46

⇓

Damn, I picked the wrong

#47

⇓

Are you okay?

#50

⇓

In fashion, I'm what's known

#53

⇓

as a tastemaker.

#54

⇓

of your face shaving.

#56

⇓

And next month,

#57

⇓

so will Gwen Stefani.

#58

⇓

Here comes Vaughn. Bye.

#59

⇓

Oh, crap.

#60

⇓

Vaughn? Vaughn.

#61

⇓

you did it with.

#63

⇓

Oh, God.

#64

⇓

Hi, Vaughn.

#65

⇓

I'm sorry

#67

⇓

Well, I'm sorry

#69

⇓

I can't accept your apology

#70

⇓

because you're toxic,

#71

⇓

Britta.

#72

⇓

You know what?

#73

⇓

of an antioxidant.

#75

⇓

Yeah.

#76

⇓

I got band practice.

#77

⇓

Can't we still be friends?

#79

⇓

Isn't the word "later"

#80

⇓

already short enough?

#81

⇓

Don't talk to Vaughn.

#89

⇓

Your hormones

#90

⇓

Don't talk to Vaughn.

#92

⇓

That is girl

#93

⇓

for "talk to Vaughn."

#94

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#95

⇓

Ooh.

#96

⇓

Shirley.

#99

⇓

What is he doing?

#100

⇓

Oh, I know exactly

#101

⇓

what he's doing.

#102

⇓

[GRUNTING]

#108

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#109

⇓

in the '70s.

#111

⇓

on the vinyl back seat

#113

⇓

of a Skylark.

#114

⇓

Of course,

#115

⇓

we didn't have the same

#116

⇓

safety standards

#117

⇓

back then, so...

#118

⇓

[WHISPERS]

#119

⇓

No condoms.

#120

⇓

I tell you, before AIDS,

#121

⇓

Hence, AIDS.

#123

⇓

Oh, Brittles,

#124

⇓

I forgot to tell you.

#125

⇓

What?

#127

⇓

things between you.

#129

⇓

You really

#130

⇓

did a number on him.

#131

⇓

Good news is, I'm the new

#132

⇓

keyboardist in his band.

#133

⇓

I'd like to be there

#138

⇓

when the band finds out.

#139

⇓

Oh, hi, Jeff.

#140

⇓

We were just talking

#141

⇓

Mm-mm! Living in your car.

#143

⇓

Sorry, I'm not good

#145

⇓

at being coy.

#146

⇓

with my condo.

#151

⇓

They'll put my locks back

#154

⇓

How are you gonna

#156

⇓

get the money?

#157

⇓

Believe me, kitten,

#158

⇓

Winger's got moves.

#159

⇓

Jeff, do you need

#160

⇓

a place to stay?

#161

⇓

I'd offer, but my dad's

#162

⇓

kind of racist.

#163

⇓

Stay with me in the dorms.

#164

⇓

My room has a bunk bed.

#165

⇓

A misnomer,

#166

⇓

charity or pity

#169

⇓

will be mentioned by name

#170

⇓

in my suicide note.

#171

⇓

Oh.

#172

⇓

thanks for your advice

#174

⇓

Of course.

#176

⇓

Anytime, ever.

#177

⇓

shop for this stuff?

#183

⇓

Really?

#185

⇓

No.

#187

⇓

Thanks. Later.

#188

⇓

Bye.

#189

⇓

Hey. Wanna see my place?

#191

⇓

No, my real place.

#194

⇓

Look at that.

#195

⇓

The condo board's

#196

⇓

trying to bluff me

#197

⇓

by listing my place

#198

⇓

as available.

#199

⇓

But look at those faucets.

#200

⇓

Handcrafted in Italy.

#201

⇓

Move on with my life?

#209

⇓

This condo is all

#211

⇓

that's left of me.

#212

⇓

Every part of it

#213

⇓

is a part of who I am.

#214

⇓

Is that a bidet?

#215

⇓

That part's for resale

#216

⇓

value.

#217

⇓

And Saturday afternoons.

#218

⇓

You know,

#219

⇓

is your chance

#221

⇓

the more you can be.

#225

⇓

There's a silver lining here,

#227

⇓

isn't there?

#228

⇓

You're attracted to bums.

#229

⇓

Come on.

#231

⇓

Why don't you have dinner

#232

⇓

at my place?

#233

⇓

I got a hotplate that plugs

#234

⇓

into a cigarette lighter.

#235

⇓

being towed.

#237

⇓

Stop!

#238

⇓

That's my house!

#239

⇓

Yeah, cool.

#241

⇓

or bottom bunk?

#243

⇓

Top.

#244

⇓

Me too.

#245

⇓

Race you for it.

#246

⇓

I win.

#247

⇓

It's an emergency

#250

⇓

situation.

#251

⇓

I mean, the premise alone

#254

⇓

is priceless.

#255

⇓

The guy has the powers

#256

⇓

and strength of a spider.

#257

⇓

No, your incredulity

#258

⇓

perplexes me, nerd.

#259

⇓

about farm animals

#261

⇓

or Brian Williams?

#262

⇓

Cool.

#264

⇓

Cool, cool, cool.

#265

⇓

Lucky Charms?

#266

⇓

than cereal?

#271

⇓

into cold milk

#273

⇓

and drink it like

#274

⇓

a cold hot chocolate.

#275

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I call it special drink.

#276

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You're Goldie Hawn, Jeff.

#279

⇓

You're Goldie Hawn.

#281

⇓

No.

#283

⇓

In Overboard,

#284

⇓

she was just like you.

#285

⇓

Then she fell off her boat

#288

⇓

and it was good for her.

#289

⇓

Ultimately, she realized

#290

⇓

she was happier poor,

#291

⇓

raising unruly boys

#292

⇓

with Kurt Russell.

#293

⇓

Do whatever you want.

#295

⇓

You just have to know

#296

⇓

what that is.

#297

⇓

For me, it's Lucky Charms

#298

⇓

and TV.

#299

⇓

I could use a break.

#300

⇓

A picnic blanket.

#301

⇓

Genius. I was gonna

#302

⇓

lay down newspaper.

#303

⇓

Yeah?

#306

⇓

That's pretty hot.

#307

⇓

Oh.

#309

⇓

It's scary.

#311

⇓

If he's not interested,

#312

⇓

You could.

#314

⇓

the dice.

#317

⇓

I'm going to roll them.

#320

⇓

I am.

#321

⇓

I just-- I need

#322

⇓

a few more shakes.

#323

⇓

Mm. Shake them

#324

⇓

If you'll excuse me,

#326

⇓

Kind of hoping for

#330

⇓

VAUGHN:

#332

⇓

This is for you.

#333

⇓

No.

#336

⇓

to help smooth things over.

#338

⇓

♪ Saying goodbye to Britta

#339

⇓

And a liar ♪

#342

⇓

♪ There ain't nothing left

#343

⇓

To woo ♪

#344

⇓

♪ What am I doing?

#346

⇓

I'm getting rid of the B ♪

#347

⇓

VAUGHN:

#349

⇓

♪ I'm getting rid of the B ♪

#351

⇓

♪ She's a GDB ♪

#352

⇓

VAUGHN:

#353

⇓

Take it, Pierce.

#354

⇓

Same as a 45-year-old,

#355

⇓

except he doesn't

#356

⇓

get as tired.

#357

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[AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV]

#358

⇓

We can pick them

#359

⇓

from the cream...

#360

⇓

Great to have somebody

#361

⇓

to watch stuff with.

#362

⇓

My dad never wanted

#363

⇓

to watch anything,

#364

⇓

so I was raised by TV.

#365

⇓

at the zoo.

#369

⇓

Cop Rock.

#373

⇓

Cop Rock.

#374

⇓

That sounds cool.

#375

⇓

Hey.

#377

⇓

Wow.

#378

⇓

You guys are really

#379

⇓

I've spent a quarter.

#382

⇓

We're having the time

#383

⇓

of our lives.

#384

⇓

See?

#385

⇓

faucets in here?

#388

⇓

down the hallway.

#390

⇓

It actually helped me come

#391

⇓

You don't sit on a toilet

#393

⇓

like that

#394

⇓

until you've left

#395

⇓

Hey, bros.

#398

⇓

This is Pavel.

#399

⇓

He lives next door.

#400

⇓

[SPEAKS IN POLISH]

#402

⇓

Britta?

#403

⇓

Excuse me. I have a future

#406

⇓

murder victim to visit.

#407

⇓

Cool.

#409

⇓

[SPEAKS IN POLISH]

#411

⇓

[BAND PLAYING]

#412

⇓

Guys, what the hell?

#413

⇓

"Getting Rid of Britta"?

#414

⇓

to me

#416

⇓

and to the definition

#417

⇓

of rhyme scheme.

#418

⇓

Wow. If you don't

#419

⇓

like my song,

#420

⇓

you don't have to listen,

#421

⇓

all right?

#422

⇓

I'm an artist

#423

⇓

and I write what I feel.

#424

⇓

PIERCE: Oh, oh.

#426

⇓

for a second?

#430

⇓

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

#434

⇓

Your song?

#435

⇓

We wrote it together.

#436

⇓

Are you trying

#437

⇓

to Garfunkel me?

#438

⇓

Maybe, assuming

#439

⇓

to Garfunkel someone

#440

⇓

is to

#441

⇓

keep putting up with them

#442

⇓

even though

#443

⇓

they're a fat, lazy cat

#444

⇓

who hogs the spotlight

#445

⇓

and eats all the lasagna.

#446

⇓

I get it.

#447

⇓

What? Why?

#449

⇓

these skinny jeans,

#451

⇓

my ass looks like

#452

⇓

a baby pumpkin.

#453

⇓

a small-nippled,

#455

⇓

credit-hogging jag

#456

⇓

who only knows

#457

⇓

My band, my song.

#459

⇓

You want that, huh, Pierce?

#460

⇓

How do you like that?

#461

⇓

I'm out!

#462

⇓

You get on that horse.

#463

⇓

VAUGHN:

#464

⇓

Lates!

#465

⇓

my honor?

#467

⇓

Huh?

#468

⇓

Oh, yeah. Totally.

#469

⇓

You'll light the candles

#470

⇓

and you'll take a bite

#471

⇓

and she'll take a bite

#472

⇓

and you'll laugh.

#473

⇓

[LAUGHS]

#474

⇓

And you'll offer her

#475

⇓

your letter jacket

#476

⇓

And she'll feel like

#479

⇓

Right.

#481

⇓

I couldn't have done this

#482

⇓

without your help.

#483

⇓

You're really nice.

#484

⇓

We should've hung out more

#485

⇓

in high school.

#486

⇓

to be my backpack?

#488

⇓

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

#489

⇓

I'm funny.

#490

⇓

All right. Ah.

#491

⇓

I gotta go get ready.

#492

⇓

Troy, wait.

#493

⇓

I have to tell you.

#494

⇓

My appendix is bursting.

#495

⇓

Yeah. Yeah.

#497

⇓

My appendix is bursting.

#498

⇓

[SCREAMS]

#499

⇓

Oh. Oh, no.

#500

⇓

Okay, two young students.

#501

⇓

right?

#505

⇓

[LAUGHS]

#506

⇓

Us? No.

#507

⇓

and I have appendicitis.

#509

⇓

Oh.

#510

⇓

Cool. I'll see you.

#516

⇓

[SCREAMS]

#517

⇓

God. Where does it hurt?

#518

⇓

Everywhere.

#519

⇓

We have to quarantine you.

#520

⇓

We gotta get you

#521

⇓

to a safe distance.

#522

⇓

Great.

#525

⇓

Wait, wait.

#526

⇓

This is a date?

#527

⇓

Yeah, you need these.

#528

⇓

Nice.

#529

⇓

I'll be thinking of you.

#530

⇓

Okay, I need to go.

#531

⇓

No, we--

#532

⇓

We have to observe you

#533

⇓

overnight. It's policy.

#534

⇓

We don't want another

#535

⇓

She was the Typhoid Mary

#537

⇓

of herpes.

#538

⇓

I'm kind of the Hawkeye

#539

⇓

around here,

#540

⇓

so it's kind of a--

#541

⇓

Are you seeing anybody?

#542

⇓

Knight Rider

#545

⇓

marathon.

#546

⇓

The shadowy flight

#547

⇓

[MUMBLING]

#550

⇓

Britta, may I have a word?

#551

⇓

You need to take Jeff back.

#553

⇓

Never had him,

#554

⇓

He's got a real

#556

⇓

Phil Spector vibe going.

#557

⇓

ABED:

#558

⇓

He's like E.T.

#559

⇓

He crashed in my place

#560

⇓

and we're friends now,

#561

⇓

which is great for me,

#562

⇓

but bad for him.

#563

⇓

Abed.

#567

⇓

Don't be naive.

#568

⇓

The charge between you two

#569

⇓

is keeping him going.

#570

⇓

if he takes a shower

#572

⇓

I'm heading back.

#574

⇓

Pavel's making babka.

#575

⇓

Do it, Britta.

#576

⇓

Seduce him.

#577

⇓

Draw the tapeworm of Jeff's

#578

⇓

old self out with the milk

#579

⇓

No.

#581

⇓

Then say goodbye to E.T.

#582

⇓

And your wife is married

#585

⇓

to an idiot.

#586

⇓

What's wrong now, woman?

#587

⇓

LOUISE:

#588

⇓

You.

#589

⇓

You can't see further

#590

⇓

than them--

#591

⇓

What are you doing?

#592

⇓

I was wrong, okay?

#594

⇓

Material possessions

#595

⇓

are important.

#596

⇓

What about good cars,

#602

⇓

good lobster?

#603

⇓

What about that sport

#604

⇓

where the British people

#605

⇓

ride the horses

#606

⇓

Jeez, you are way out

#608

⇓

of your element here.

#609

⇓

a single word

#611

⇓

I am saying for me.

#612

⇓

But for you?

#613

⇓

rare people

#615

⇓

the surface.

#617

⇓

on a turd,

#619

⇓

you don't get a diamond.

#620

⇓

You just get a turd

#621

⇓

Thanks, coach.

#623

⇓

Can you turn the TV back on?

#624

⇓

[GROANS]

#625

⇓

These look like--

#628

⇓

Wait.

#629

⇓

I made this notch

#630

⇓

to indicate

#631

⇓

for combination skin.

#633

⇓

These were mine?

#634

⇓

For a fancy condo,

#635

⇓

you've got awful security.

#636

⇓

so that every day,

#638

⇓

when you're spending way

#639

⇓

I can do it again."

#643

⇓

Yeah.

#644

⇓

Look at all this work

#647

⇓

you're doing

#648

⇓

You are the worst.

#653

⇓

Yeah, clearly.

#654

⇓

Sorry. Ahem.

#655

⇓

I want you to know

#656

⇓

I haven't changed my mind

#657

⇓

about the band.

#658

⇓

I'm out.

#659

⇓

We wanna recognize

#661

⇓

a couple of sponsors.

#662

⇓

Lay off Britta.

#665

⇓

I mean, she may walk

#666

⇓

but underneath all that clown

#668

⇓

makeup, she's a good kid.

#669

⇓

I've moved on.

#671

⇓

Lates, okay.

#673

⇓

Snakes. What--?

#674

⇓

Greendale!

#675

⇓

[CROWD CHEERING]

#676

⇓

[BAND PLAYING]

#677

⇓

♪ Pierce, I don't need you

#678

⇓

In my band ♪

#679

⇓

♪ I don't need your heart

#680

⇓

Or your hand ♪

#681

⇓

♪ I am my own person ♪

#682

⇓

Yeah, you heard me say it.

#684

⇓

♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#685

⇓

ANNIE:

#686

⇓

No!

#687

⇓

Before you two proceed,

#688

⇓

I have one thing to say.

#689

⇓

I want my nana's

#691

⇓

blanket back.

#692

⇓

Do you guys mind?

#693

⇓

Could you scoot over?

#694

⇓

It's an heirloom.

#695

⇓

I want it.

#696

⇓

Thank you.

#697

⇓

Have a nice date.

#698

⇓

For me, that was huge.

#700

⇓

I know, sweetie.

#701

⇓

Yeah, cool, thanks.

#704

⇓

♪ This a song for Pierce

#705

⇓

'Cause him so old ♪

#706

⇓

♪ His body made

#707

⇓

Of wrinkles and folds ♪

#708

⇓

♪ Stupid and ugly

#709

⇓

He smells like a fart ♪

#710

⇓

♪ Poo-poo in his pants

#711

⇓

And poo-poo in my heart ♪

#712

⇓

Hey, look what the cat

#713

⇓

dragged out and licked clean.

#714

⇓

Thanks.

#721

⇓

For caring.

#722

⇓

Hey.

#723

⇓

I checked into a motel

#726

⇓

You would've been fine

#728

⇓

with me staying forever?

#729

⇓

Yup.

#730

⇓

Thanks.

#733

⇓

ALL:

#734

⇓

♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪

#735

⇓

♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#736

⇓

I'm Pierce.

#737

⇓

Yeah, song's about me.

#738

⇓

♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce

#739

⇓

Pierce, you're a B ♪

#740

⇓

MAN 1: Yeah!

#742

⇓

VAUGHN:

#743

⇓

Come on, sing it for me.

#744

⇓

ALL:

#745

⇓

♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪

#746

⇓

♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#747

⇓

MAN 2:

#748

⇓

Yeah, he is.

#749

⇓

ALL:

#750

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♪ Pierce, Pierce, Pierce ♪

#751

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♪ Pierce, you're a B ♪

#752

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VAUGHN:

#753

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Ow!

#754

⇓

We are Some Worries!

#755

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Good night, Greendale!

#756

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♪ East side, west side

#757

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North side, south ♪

#758

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♪ This rap is by Pierce

#761

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Vaughn is dumb ♪

#762

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♪ He wears diapers to bed

#763

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Wishing he was me ♪

#766

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With a glass of pee ♪

#768

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♪ Then he goes to school

#769

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Where he's stupid again ♪

#770

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♪ And everybody hates him

#771

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Even all his friends ♪

#772

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Then the battle is on ♪

#774

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♪ So this rap goes out

#775

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To stupid Vaughn ♪

#776

⇓

This isn't over.

#778

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[HIP-HOP BEAT

#779

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PLAYING OVER KEYBOARD]

#780

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