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Season 1, Episode 9 — Debate 109

So then the guy says

#1

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to the housekeeper:

#2

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"Make sure she's dead."

#3

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Would've been nice

#5

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27 minutes ago.

#6

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The housekeeper says,

#7

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"We don't have a pool."

#8

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And the guy says--

#9

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Just a reminder,

#11

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the championship tomorrow

#13

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versus City College.

#14

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Go, Human Beings.

#15

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Great, now I gotta start

#16

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the whole joke over again.

#17

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No! I've got one for you.

#19

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A doddering old fool

#20

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walks into a bar,

#21

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tells a stupid joke,

#22

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and I crush his windpipe

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with my three-ringed binder.

#24

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I don't get it.

#25

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off your pointy face.

#28

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I think you should.

#32

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You lose weight,

#33

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your skin looks great.

#34

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I appreciate your support,

#35

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but I've got to quit.

#36

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You thought

#37

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about hypnotherapy?

#38

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Ten-to-one says it's him.

#40

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Can you help me

#43

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block out people's voices

#44

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I find extremely annoying?

#45

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Jeff, she's right there.

#46

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Pierce,

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I would be grateful

#48

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for your help.

#49

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You would? Super.

#50

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I'll set it up.

#51

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What? I feel bad for him.

#52

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Oh.

#55

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Wow. Wow.

#57

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Have you seen

#58

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What do you think?

#60

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All of Abed's films

#61

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are about us.

#62

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TROY: Check it out.

#64

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[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]

#65

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What else is new?

#66

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Hola.

#68

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Why are you living

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out of your car?

#73

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That's eerie.

#75

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Fine, it's true.

#76

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I'm living out of my car.

#77

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We had that

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But Abed posted

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this video two weeks ago.

#82

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This is wrinkling my brain.

#85

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Hi. I'm Pierce Hawthorne.

#89

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Oh, come on.

#90

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[THE 88'S

#91

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♪ I can't count the reasons

#93

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I should stay ♪

#94

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There he is.

#95

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I hang on every word.

#98

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Correct.

#100

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I'm barely listening now.

#102

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Jeffrey, as debate coach,

#106

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to spend a night

#108

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drinking from the cup of life

#109

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rather than romancing

#110

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your nether regions.

#111

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to really stick it

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to those City College snobs

#114

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Mmm. Pass.

#116

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Listen, jerk wad.

#119

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is gay.

#125

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Free meals?

#128

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I'll do it

#131

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for the parking space.

#132

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If you promise

#133

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not to tell me what you mean.

#134

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WHITMAN: All right. Yeah.

#135

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Pierce, thank you.

#136

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I appreciate you

#137

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helping me out.

#138

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And I appreciate

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the opportunity.

#140

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Sometimes I think

#141

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and tell me

#146

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No. Just checking the time.

#148

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[WATCH CLATTERS]

#149

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Close your eyes,

#150

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keep them closed.

#151

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And listen to the soothing

#152

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sound of my voice.

#153

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The only word

#154

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that will bring you out is

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"gorilla."

#156

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of your own breathing.

#158

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[♪♪♪]

#159

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to light up a cigarette

#161

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Bad tasting food,

#164

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sex with men,

#165

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and--

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Oh, God,

#168

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Somebody help me.

#170

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Oh! Britta, wake up.

#171

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Damn my talents. Aah!

#173

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The topic for the debate is,

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"Are people inherently good

#175

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or evil?"

#176

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When do you want

#177

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How was hypnotherapy?

#182

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to make him feel

#185

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♪ Wah-waah ♪

#190

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Where's Abed? Need to talk

#191

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about his films.

#192

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He is prescient.

#193

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He can read minds.

#194

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[BOTH GASP]

#195

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I know what you'll say.

#196

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Watched my movies?

#197

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Get him.

#199

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Not a witch, a student

#200

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of human character.

#201

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Like, Shirley,

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I know you're a sweet,

#205

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ABED:

#212

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Here, check this out.

#213

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Yeah.

#215

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Jeff's character acts

#216

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like nothing affects him.

#217

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Things bother him

#218

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more than he lets on.

#219

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Gaah!

#221

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He's also very vain.

#222

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Ridiculous.

#223

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ALL:

#224

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Ohh.

#225

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[TROY'S CHARACTER CRYING]

#226

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I hurt my leg. Ah!

#231

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[♪♪♪]

#232

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What up, happy people?

#233

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evil wizard.

#235

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demonstrates, man,

#239

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will descend

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into chaos and evil.

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Jeremy Simmons.

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[CHEERING]

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STUDENTS [CHANTING]:

#246

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Jeremy. Jeremy.

#247

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Jeremy. Jeremy.

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There were 23,000

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kidney donations

#250

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in America last year.

#251

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Man is good.

#252

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for a man in a community

#254

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is 23 years longer

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than a man alone.

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Man is good.

#257

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And just 10 minutes ago,

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a bald, bespectacled man

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held the door

#260

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for a man in a wheelchair.

#261

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Man is good.

#262

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Oh. I hate this guy.

#263

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By the end of this debate

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I will prove

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with facts and data

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[CHEERING]

#268

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with my mother.

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JEFF:

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This feels so formal.

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Let's just talk.

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People are evil.

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They can't help it.

#278

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I didn't catch your name.

#279

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Take Jean here.

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She spent a lot of time

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this morning

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Tell me, how many people

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told you how great you look?

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Man is evil.

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But you just said

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how great I looked.

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For my own selfish purposes.

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The fact is,

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as hot as you look

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and it is quite hot,

#295

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When I talk about people

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being evil,

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I could cite quotes

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or dig up statistics,

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but those are just words

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and numbers.

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I think we could have

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a little more fun

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ALL:

#306

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♪ Evil woman ♪

#307

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♪ Evil woman ♪

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That's my time, everybody.

#309

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Thank you very much. Yeah.

#310

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[APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

#311

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At the end of round one.

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City College, 50.

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Greendale, eight.

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[♪♪♪]

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JEFF:

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I got eight?

#317

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She got eight.

#319

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You got zero.

#320

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Nice work, L.A. Law.

#322

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All sizzle, no steak.

#323

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I'm doing this

#325

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Let's go, boys.

#328

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I wanna see some hustlers.

#329

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By Zeus.

#330

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We reserved the gym

#333

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for practice so...

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Yup, they reserved it.

#335

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Okay,

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The debate is suspended

#338

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until tomorrow.

#339

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Hopefully, by then

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COACH:

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When are we getting together

#344

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to prepare for tomorrow?

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Never. Because it's stupid

#346

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and I don't care.

#347

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Bite me.

#348

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Maybe Simmons is right.

#349

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and no steak.

#351

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What do you mean?

#353

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No.

#357

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Abed is right,

#359

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you act like things

#360

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Six months ago

#362

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I used to say stuff

#364

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Now I'm losing

#366

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Hey, Winger.

#369

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You like to sing?

#370

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I like to sing too.

#371

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♪ Zero for Winger ♪

#372

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Kick that.

#373

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♪ Was a big shot lawyer ♪

#374

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♪ Now he's a loser ♪

#375

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Lay off. Jeff didn't

#376

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understand the rules.

#377

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Yeah? What's your excuse,

#378

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eight points?

#379

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♪ Little Annie Adderall

#381

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No, you're right,

#388

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my feet are long and stupid.

#389

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You can't unring that bell.

#390

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Oh, no.

#391

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What do you need a paper for?

#393

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you Magic Eight Ball.

#395

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Pierce hurt his leg.

#396

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Britta made Troy cry.

#397

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What's my destiny?

#398

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Am I gonna die in a car?

#399

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feel better,

#403

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[SHIRLEY SCREAMING]

#406

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Were-- No. Were...

#407

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Sorry, is that me being

#408

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chased down by a werewolf?

#409

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The situation being me

#412

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being chased by a werewolf?

#413

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And that's Jeff

#415

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locking lips with Annie?

#416

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You're a fool.

#418

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into prisoners and guards.

#420

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Ugh!

#422

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It's a stress headache.

#425

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Get to used to it.

#428

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You're knee-deep in it.

#429

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This is debate.

#430

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If you wanna win,

#431

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you need to prepare.

#432

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Oh, my gosh.

#437

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You're right.

#438

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Simmons is so good

#439

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to sell his points

#441

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and here I am,

#442

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like a spinster librarian

#443

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with my hair pulled back.

#444

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Yeah.

#445

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[♪♪♪]

#446

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Yeah.

#448

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Thanks.

#449

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Us kissing?

#453

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Totally.

#455

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[CHUCKLES]

#456

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Yes.

#458

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Okay. The--

#459

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Oh, we can use

#461

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this Hobbes quote.

#462

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"Man is a collection of base,

#463

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animal urges.

#464

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To act on them

#465

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would be morally no different

#467

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than taking a breath."

#468

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Yeah.

#470

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Yeah.

#472

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Uh-huh.

#474

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That way, we can be

#475

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Bye. What...

#478

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The next time

#481

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you even see a cigarette,

#482

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you will think of things

#483

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that disgust you.

#484

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to slightly older men.

#487

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with just enough tummy

#489

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to love.

#490

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Then go back to his hot tub.

#492

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You'll invite one

#493

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of your friends

#494

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to join us for a three-way.

#495

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Maybe someone

#496

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with low self-esteem

#497

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and slightly larger breasts.

#498

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I know. I saw you.

#503

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What do you think I am?

#504

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Some joke?

#505

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How dare you pity me.

#508

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I may be a little older,

#509

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my ideas may seem weird,

#510

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but I have a lot to offer

#512

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Do not help me up.

#514

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And as German poet

#515

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"Snow falls

#517

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from the heavens pure.

#518

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We cannot blame the snow

#519

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Man is good.

#521

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What? That dude gets it.

#522

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Jeff Winger will now offer

#523

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a two-minute rebuttal.

#524

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Hey, sizzle.

#525

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I'm in the mood for Sade.

#527

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Okay.

#528

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In the Stanford

#529

⇓

Prison Experiment,

#530

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21 out of 21 students,

#531

⇓

when given absolute power,

#532

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abused and tortured

#533

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their fellow students.

#534

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to pure falling snow.

#536

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I would respond,

#537

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"There is none righteous,

#538

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no, not one."

#539

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Now, I realize

#540

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Mr. Simmons' quote

#541

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was from

#542

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the great Franz Wickmeyer.

#543

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Mine was just from

#544

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a simple desert handyman

#545

⇓

named Jesus.

#546

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#547

⇓

Nuclear bombs.

#554

⇓

Abu Ghraib.

#556

⇓

Double rejoinder.

#558

⇓

Organ donors.

#560

⇓

Executions.

#562

⇓

Ketchup is a vegetable.

#563

⇓

Oh, God, did I just say

#565

⇓

cross-burner?

#566

⇓

Oh, good.

#568

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I know, we're so in sync.

#570

⇓

We're like a perfect duet

#571

⇓

or great se--

#572

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They'll need a miracle

#578

⇓

to win in rebuttal.

#579

⇓

Simmons is finished.

#580

⇓

This is too much for me.

#581

⇓

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

#582

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He's going off-book.

#583

⇓

doesn't he need cards?

#585

⇓

It's a gambit.

#586

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#587

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#588

⇓

[ALL GASP]

#589

⇓

Man is good.

#591

⇓

[CROWD CHEERING]

#592

⇓

Damn.

#593

⇓

[JEREMY TUMBLES]

#595

⇓

& THE MAGNETIC ZEROS'

#600

⇓

"HOME" PLAYING]

#601

⇓

Greendale wins.

#602

⇓

Huzzah!

#603

⇓

Whoo!

#605

⇓

God!

#606

⇓

♪ Not the way

#608

⇓

That I do love you ♪

#609

⇓

Simmons got robbed.

#610

⇓

They kissed.

#611

⇓

You do have powers.

#612

⇓

Trust me.

#615

⇓

Pierce,

#620

⇓

I can't smoke a cigarette

#621

⇓

in your hot tub.

#623

⇓

Yes.

#625

⇓

You're a genius.

#627

⇓

Who's the third?

#628

⇓

You did great in there.

#629

⇓

Let's take

#630

⇓

this bacchanalia outside.

#631

⇓

Full moon tonight.

#632

⇓

Thanks, pal.

#636

⇓

Just pat me.

#637

⇓

♪ Me llamo T-Bone

#640

⇓

La araña discoteca ♪

#641

⇓

La biblioteca ♪

#643

⇓

El perro, manteca ♪

#645

⇓

Cut, cut.

#647

⇓

Do you hate this?

#649

⇓

Do you?

#651

⇓

Just hold on.

#653

⇓

[TROY & ABED WHISPERING

#654

⇓

INDISTINCTLY]

#655

⇓

Just have fun with it.

#656

⇓

Take 36.

#657

⇓

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