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Season 1, Episode 2 — Spanish 101

MAN [ON PA]:

#1

⇓

Good afternoon, Greendale.

#2

⇓

I am your dean

#3

⇓

with a few corrections

#4

⇓

Cosmology should be

#6

⇓

Cosmetology.

#7

⇓

Astrology should be

#8

⇓

Astronomy.

#9

⇓

The students on the cover

#10

⇓

should be smiling,

#11

⇓

but that's a matter

#12

⇓

of opinion.

#13

⇓

Whoever is growing

#14

⇓

a small patch of cannabis

#15

⇓

behind the gymnasium,

#16

⇓

congratulations,

#17

⇓

you have won a cruise.

#18

⇓

Report to security

#19

⇓

to claim your tickets.

#20

⇓

of homelessness,

#22

⇓

security has been given

#23

⇓

binoculars.

#24

⇓

In campus news,

#25

⇓

PA system continues,

#27

⇓

its volume be lowered,

#29

⇓

while others question

#30

⇓

its very purpose.

#31

⇓

More on that story

#32

⇓

as it unfolds.

#33

⇓

That dude makes a lot

#34

⇓

of announcements.

#35

⇓

I like it.

#36

⇓

It makes every 10 minutes

#37

⇓

feel like a new scene

#38

⇓

of a TV show.

#39

⇓

The illusion lasts until

#40

⇓

someone says something

#41

⇓

they never say on TV,

#42

⇓

There, it's gone.

#44

⇓

Jeff's running late again.

#45

⇓

What a shame.

#46

⇓

We should get started--

#47

⇓

No, I think we should wait

#48

⇓

for Jeff before we start.

#49

⇓

But when Jeff gets here,

#50

⇓

we could talk to him,

#51

⇓

as a group,

#52

⇓

about his tardiness.

#53

⇓

If you want me to have

#56

⇓

We've got a bond going,

#58

⇓

Hope your mom didn't make you

#60

⇓

take baths together.

#61

⇓

One of you

#62

⇓

would have been like 30.

#63

⇓

Sorry, Abed.

#68

⇓

Hey, will you guys have

#69

⇓

some self-respect?

#70

⇓

You are

#71

⇓

obsessing over someone

#72

⇓

who does not give you

#73

⇓

a second thought.

#74

⇓

In Guatemala,

#75

⇓

by their own government.

#77

⇓

What's happening

#78

⇓

in Guatemala?

#79

⇓

Nothing.

#80

⇓

Journalists

#81

⇓

are being murdered?

#82

⇓

Every day in that country,

#83

⇓

people are being killed

#84

⇓

for speaking out.

#85

⇓

The worst part of it is,

#86

⇓

when it's all over...

#87

⇓

Real stories,

#92

⇓

they don't have spoilers.

#93

⇓

You understand that TV

#94

⇓

Hey.

#96

⇓

[ALL CHEERING]

#97

⇓

My lord.

#99

⇓

Hi, sweetie.

#101

⇓

You smell nice. Vitamin P.

#102

⇓

jazzed to see me too.

#104

⇓

Word them everywhere.

#106

⇓

It was for you.

#108

⇓

Hey, Jeff.

#110

⇓

Think there's something

#111

⇓

that the group

#112

⇓

would like

#113

⇓

to talk to you about.

#114

⇓

ABED: No.

#121

⇓

TROY: No.

#123

⇓

You guys usually spend

#124

⇓

the first 20 minutes

#125

⇓

talking about

#126

⇓

your interesting lives

#127

⇓

and your cool emotional

#128

⇓

problems.

#129

⇓

I feel like I never have

#130

⇓

anything to offer.

#131

⇓

JEFF: No. Truth is,

#133

⇓

my life is emptier

#134

⇓

Wow. Double-spaced.

#138

⇓

Thank you.

#139

⇓

So, what's a guy gotta do

#140

⇓

to get a C around here?

#141

⇓

[GROUP LAUGHS]

#142

⇓

PLAYING]

#144

⇓

♪ Give me some more

#145

⇓

Time in a dream ♪

#146

⇓

♪ Give me the hope

#147

⇓

To run out of steam ♪

#148

⇓

♪ Somebody said

#149

⇓

It can be here ♪

#150

⇓

♪ We could be roped up

#151

⇓

Tied up dead in a year ♪

#152

⇓

♪ I can't count the reasons

#153

⇓

I should stay ♪

#154

⇓

♪ One by one they all

#155

⇓

Just fade away ♪

#156

⇓

BRITTA:

#157

⇓

Good study.

#158

⇓

ABED:

#159

⇓

Thanks for good study.

#160

⇓

See you later.

#161

⇓

Not specifically.

#166

⇓

But if you think of grandsons

#167

⇓

as metaphors for friendship,

#168

⇓

I think you'll agree with

#169

⇓

this Transformer here

#170

⇓

that it's time for ours

#171

⇓

to become a man

#172

⇓

by reading from the Torah.

#173

⇓

You're harmless enough

#174

⇓

to me.

#175

⇓

But those are good people

#178

⇓

in there,

#179

⇓

bums me out.

#182

⇓

Exploit them?

#183

⇓

They're my friends.

#184

⇓

Can I bring your car around?

#185

⇓

No, Abed, I don't want you

#186

⇓

bring my car around.

#187

⇓

I'll bring yours around,

#188

⇓

good guy.

#189

⇓

You get going, all right?

#190

⇓

of near-delusion.

#193

⇓

I have less to prove.

#196

⇓

Jeff, you can't pursue

#197

⇓

people so desperately.

#198

⇓

It starts to

#199

⇓

creep them out.

#200

⇓

Why don't we get a beer?

#201

⇓

I'll give you advice,

#202

⇓

and we can have what the kids

#203

⇓

are calling a sausage fest.

#204

⇓

Pierce. Maybe next time.

#206

⇓

Next time then.

#207

⇓

Hey.

#208

⇓

about Guatemala?

#210

⇓

I wanna be political.

#211

⇓

that stuff on your own.

#213

⇓

We need your help. We've been

#214

⇓

living on the wrong side.

#215

⇓

You're like Jodie Foster

#216

⇓

or Susan Sarandon.

#217

⇓

You'd rather keep it real

#218

⇓

than be likeable.

#219

⇓

what to Google?

#221

⇓

You could start with the

#222

⇓

Can we have a protest?

#227

⇓

A candlelight vigil,

#229

⇓

like lesbians on the news.

#230

⇓

[BOTH GIGGLE]

#232

⇓

Brownies?

#233

⇓

Every once in a while,

#234

⇓

a student will ask:

#235

⇓

"Señor Chang,

#236

⇓

why do you teach Spanish?"

#237

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#238

⇓

Why you.

#241

⇓

Why not math?

#242

⇓

[STUDENT CLEARS THROAT]

#243

⇓

Why not photography?

#244

⇓

Why not martial arts?

#245

⇓

I mean, surely it must be

#246

⇓

in something that's

#248

⇓

ancient and secret

#249

⇓

like, building a wall that

#250

⇓

Well, I'll tell you why

#252

⇓

I teach Spanish.

#253

⇓

okay?

#255

⇓

Now, I don't wanna have

#256

⇓

mysterious,

#259

⇓

inscrutable man I am.

#260

⇓

[LAUGHING

#261

⇓

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

#262

⇓

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

#263

⇓

I am a Spanish genius!

#264

⇓

In español my nickname

#265

⇓

is El Tigre Chino.

#266

⇓

[SQUAWKING AND GRUNTING]

#267

⇓

Because my knowledge

#268

⇓

will bite her face off.

#269

⇓

or you'll get bit.

#271

⇓

Yeah, bit. Yeah, bit.

#272

⇓

Okay, Friday mañana,

#273

⇓

You'll be partnering up

#277

⇓

in pairs of dos.

#278

⇓

Heh.

#279

⇓

So if you look

#280

⇓

under your desk,

#281

⇓

Por ejemplo, Blondie, aqui,

#284

⇓

has a card with a picture

#285

⇓

of a house on it.

#286

⇓

with the card

#288

⇓

with the word "casa" on it

#289

⇓

is her partner.

#290

⇓

And what do we say

#294

⇓

at the end of every class?

#295

⇓

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#296

⇓

Come on, hands.

#297

⇓

Ninety percent of Spanish.

#298

⇓

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#299

⇓

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#300

⇓

Abed, Abed, Abed.

#302

⇓

No.

#304

⇓

No.

#306

⇓

No.

#308

⇓

Don't want money.

#309

⇓

Want your shirt.

#310

⇓

What?

#311

⇓

I've had my eye on it

#312

⇓

since registration.

#313

⇓

I don't think you understand.

#315

⇓

I wanna wear it out of here.

#316

⇓

Gracias.

#318

⇓

What are the odds?

#319

⇓

Are you sure you didn't

#320

⇓

adjust the odds?

#321

⇓

I gave Abed my shirt

#326

⇓

because I'm not selfish.

#327

⇓

That's something we should

#333

⇓

discuss with our partners.

#334

⇓

Oh, see, I did switch cards.

#335

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#336

⇓

Can you believe this?

#337

⇓

What are the odds?

#338

⇓

That's a nice shirt.

#339

⇓

Wanna sell it?

#340

⇓

Yes.

#341

⇓

Oh, believe me,

#345

⇓

No, it's a hard,

#347

⇓

dry, large business.

#348

⇓

It didn't help any that

#350

⇓

I can't have children.

#351

⇓

I'm not sterile.

#352

⇓

called hyper-virility.

#354

⇓

like bullets. Heh.

#356

⇓

I can't.

#358

⇓

But you can,

#359

⇓

so that's fine.

#360

⇓

So the assignment is to write

#361

⇓

a Spanish conversation

#362

⇓

Ooh.

#364

⇓

Hemingway's lemonade.

#365

⇓

Don't need to make this

#366

⇓

a long evening.

#367

⇓

What am I,

#368

⇓

a piece of garbage to you?

#369

⇓

What? No.

#370

⇓

[CHUCKLES]

#371

⇓

let's have one drink

#373

⇓

before we work.

#374

⇓

Mm, mm, mm.

#375

⇓

To the irony

#377

⇓

of that sentence.

#378

⇓

I think it's Britta.

#383

⇓

Okay.

#388

⇓

Why don't we start

#389

⇓

with me saying, donde--

#390

⇓

Our assignment.

#392

⇓

Oh, no, no, no.

#393

⇓

This is the first time

#394

⇓

people are gonna see

#395

⇓

Come on, let's brainstorm

#399

⇓

some story ideas.

#400

⇓

let's ask ourselves...

#402

⇓

Oh, my God in heaven.

#404

⇓

CROWD [CHANTING]:

#405

⇓

Guatemala, we hate

#406

⇓

Guatemala, we hate

#407

⇓

If you like that brownie,

#408

⇓

you're gonna hate

#409

⇓

Google it.

#411

⇓

Hi.

#413

⇓

Okay, once it gets dark,

#415

⇓

I hand out the candles,

#416

⇓

and we do what's called

#417

⇓

a speechless protest.

#418

⇓

and gather hand in hand

#420

⇓

in a sea

#421

⇓

of outraged silence.

#422

⇓

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING

#423

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#424

⇓

Star-Burns, no, no.

#425

⇓

[MUSIC STOPS]

#426

⇓

This is not how you do this.

#428

⇓

But this is tacky and lame.

#431

⇓

I didn't mean that.

#432

⇓

What I meant to say

#434

⇓

was that this cause

#435

⇓

is really personal to me.

#436

⇓

Are you saying that

#437

⇓

Britta,

#439

⇓

you sound like Guatemala.

#440

⇓

No, I do things. I--

#446

⇓

I went to--

#447

⇓

I don't do anything.

#448

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#449

⇓

What can I do?

#450

⇓

You can hang

#451

⇓

the Chacata-Panecos piñata.

#452

⇓

You guys realize

#453

⇓

he was beaten to death?

#454

⇓

Poignant.

#457

⇓

PIERCE:

#458

⇓

All right.

#459

⇓

[SIGHS]

#460

⇓

Okay, tell me

#461

⇓

what I've got so far.

#462

⇓

What we have so far?

#463

⇓

Well, we have something

#464

⇓

incredibly long

#465

⇓

and very confusing,

#466

⇓

and a little homophobic.

#467

⇓

And really, really,

#468

⇓

specifically, surprisingly

#469

⇓

and gratuitously critical

#470

⇓

of Israel.

#471

⇓

Should probably be dos.

#473

⇓

I mean, it is Spanish class.

#474

⇓

Oh, which reminds me.

#475

⇓

The only thing not included

#476

⇓

in this epic

#477

⇓

are the five phrases required

#478

⇓

to get me a passing grade.

#479

⇓

You're right.

#480

⇓

Needs more work.

#481

⇓

I have no idea.

#483

⇓

What, hippies?

#485

⇓

Good chance to put miles

#490

⇓

on this shirt.

#491

⇓

are due in the morning?

#493

⇓

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

#496

⇓

Pfft. Hacks.

#497

⇓

I'll tell you

#500

⇓

what we're going to do.

#501

⇓

We are gonna take this

#502

⇓

and we're gonna put it

#503

⇓

in a museum for crazy people.

#504

⇓

Then we're gonna take this

#505

⇓

and memorize five phrases

#506

⇓

Good night.

#508

⇓

on our first sausage fest?

#510

⇓

of friendship?

#512

⇓

No, this is my definition

#513

⇓

of you trying way too hard

#514

⇓

and me finding it harder

#515

⇓

and harder to stay polite.

#516

⇓

This was a fine way to spend

#517

⇓

an evening devoid of hope,

#518

⇓

but the woman I kind of like

#519

⇓

is out in the moonlight

#520

⇓

caring about something

#521

⇓

stupid.

#522

⇓

This is my chance to show her

#523

⇓

that I care enough to act

#524

⇓

like I care about it too.

#525

⇓

That was it? Oh.

#527

⇓

Would've been great if I had

#528

⇓

done that two hours ago.

#529

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#530

⇓

Thanks.

#532

⇓

I like what you've done

#533

⇓

with the place.

#534

⇓

on you. I'm not perfect.

#536

⇓

I am. I'd be happy

#537

⇓

to show you the ropes.

#538

⇓

PIERCE:

#539

⇓

Awesome.

#540

⇓

Look at awesome

#541

⇓

Jeffrey Winger.

#542

⇓

Too awesome for old Pierce

#543

⇓

with your hip shirts

#544

⇓

and your gelled hair

#545

⇓

and your cool tape

#546

⇓

over your mouth.

#547

⇓

Why is everybody wearing

#548

⇓

tape over their mouth?

#549

⇓

It's a protest, Pierce.

#550

⇓

Oh, good.

#551

⇓

Conflicts like these

#554

⇓

will bring us together

#555

⇓

as an unlikely family.

#556

⇓

Then you tell me

#560

⇓

I'm trying too hard

#561

⇓

to be your friend

#562

⇓

so you have to go.

#563

⇓

You had to come out here

#564

⇓

to pretend to care

#565

⇓

about the stupid stuff

#566

⇓

she cares about.

#567

⇓

He is paraphrasing.

#569

⇓

go get a cup of coffee

#571

⇓

I'll show you

#574

⇓

some sperm, buddy.

#575

⇓

Is this your idea?

#576

⇓

What the hell? I'm on fire!

#577

⇓

No, I'm not ready to die.

#578

⇓

[PIERCE SCREAMING]

#579

⇓

Oh, he's-- He's--

#580

⇓

WOMAN: Please call 911.

#584

⇓

"The incident occurred

#589

⇓

during a protest"

#590

⇓

"regarding events

#591

⇓

in Guatemala." Awareness!

#592

⇓

It's more than

#595

⇓

I ever accomplished.

#596

⇓

Did you know about the

#597

⇓

ethnic cleansing in Burma?

#598

⇓

[BOTH SQUEAL THEN GIGGLE]

#601

⇓

Morning.

#603

⇓

Nice try.

#607

⇓

It says I'm sorry about

#609

⇓

crashing your protest

#610

⇓

with that drunken,

#611

⇓

self-immolating baby boomer.

#612

⇓

girls have two pee holes.

#616

⇓

You know what he did

#620

⇓

that's really crazy?

#621

⇓

closer to Jeff

#627

⇓

in the group.

#629

⇓

looking out for himself,

#631

⇓

[PIERCE & CHANG

#634

⇓

SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

#635

⇓

ALL: Hola.

#637

⇓

First up was supposed

#640

⇓

to be Jeff and Pierce,

#641

⇓

but Pierce explained

#642

⇓

the situation to me.

#643

⇓

[WHISPERING]

#646

⇓

Wow.

#647

⇓

Jeff, having heard

#649

⇓

and let Pierce do

#653

⇓

his presentation alone.

#654

⇓

to me at all.

#657

⇓

I understand if you don't

#658

⇓

wanna be my friend.

#659

⇓

But this thing that

#660

⇓

we've created,

#661

⇓

it is bigger than

#662

⇓

the both of us,

#663

⇓

and it deserves

#664

⇓

to be done right.

#665

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#666

⇓

All right.

#667

⇓

Okay, um, guys, why are

#668

⇓

there costumes involved?

#669

⇓

Your breath away?

#672

⇓

Well, tough.

#673

⇓

Si.

#675

⇓

[AIMEE MANN'S

#676

⇓

"WISE UP" PLAYING]

#677

⇓

♪ It's not ♪

#678

⇓

♪ What you thought ♪

#679

⇓

♪ When you first ♪

#680

⇓

Began it ♪

#681

⇓

♪ You got ♪

#682

⇓

♪ What you want ♪

#683

⇓

♪ Now you can hardly ♪

#684

⇓

♪ Stand it though

#685

⇓

By now you know ♪

#686

⇓

♪ It's not ♪

#687

⇓

♪ Going to stop ♪

#688

⇓

♪ It's not ♪

#689

⇓

♪ Going to stop ♪

#690

⇓

♪ It's not ♪

#691

⇓

♪ Going to stop ♪

#692

⇓

♪ Till you wise up ♪

#693

⇓

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

#694

⇓

F, F-minus.

#695

⇓

What?

#696

⇓

So...

#698

⇓

that was one of the worst

#699

⇓

things I have ever seen.

#700

⇓

So I'm impressed.

#703

⇓

at you?

#707

⇓

that no woman in that class

#709

⇓

will be able to look at you

#710

⇓

ever again.

#712

⇓

[MATT & KIM'S "DAYLIGHT"

#713

⇓

PLAYING]

#714

⇓

No, I know.

#715

⇓

I thought of that.

#716

⇓

She looked back.

#717

⇓

Aah!

#718

⇓

Thanks, Pierce.

#721

⇓

with your face

#724

⇓

you think you are.

#728

⇓

[PIERCE CONTINUES

#729

⇓

INDISTINCTLY]

#730

⇓

[RAPPING IN SPANISH]

#732

⇓

Yeah.

#734

⇓

Word.

#736

⇓